Shut Up & Love Your Neighbor

It Wasn't About the Breakfast | Nicole's Story

• Dave • Season 1 • Episode 7

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0:00 | 39:33

Some people throw open their door because someone is at it. Nicole has been throwing hers open for 19 years — whether anyone is at it or not.

On this episode of Shut Up & Love Your Neighbor, Dave sits down with our friend Nicole — an OG of this lifestyle long before there was a name on a t-shirt. They get into hospitality, proximity, and the unglamorous work of being available to people.

She also tells the story of a breakfast in a small-town Louisiana hotel that wasn't really about breakfast at all.

In this episode:

• A Paris hotel room, a 12:47 AM scare, and the travel safety gear Dave now packs • Why "How many people fit at the table?" is a better question than "Is this our dream home?" • Moving next door to your friends on purpose • What to do when neighbors have never seen community modeled • The hotel server, the postcard, and what it means to look up and out • Why empathy is something you have to earn — for other people and for yourself • Nicole's two-word answer for what Shut Up & Love Your Neighbor means

Chapters: 00:00 Intro 01:00 Welcome Nicole — OG of the lifestyle 02:00 Paris update: the 12:47 AM hotel scare 07:00 Travel safety tools Dave now packs 09:00 Nicole's Airbnb story 11:00 19 years of hospitality — where it started 13:00 Walking into a home asking the right question 16:00 Moving next door on purpose 19:00 When neighbors have never seen community modeled 24:00 The breakfast in Louisiana 31:00 The postcard 34:00 Empathy you have to earn 37:00 What Shut Up & Love Your Neighbor means to Nicole

Read the full blog post: https://shutupandloveyourneighbor.com/blogs/blog/nicoles-story-showing-up-when-its-inconvenient

Wear the reminder: shutupandloveyourneighbor.com

Feedback, comments, complaints: thedave@shutupandloveyourneighbor.com

Follow along: Instagram: @its_the_dave Facebook: facebook.com/david.dority YouTube: @shutupandloveyourneighbor

Shut Up & Love Your Neighbor is a podcast about the small, steady ways people choose to show up for each other. Started by accident. Done on purpose.

Shut Up & Love Your Neighbor is a weekly conversation about listening better, slowing down, and loving the people right in front of us. In a world that rewards volume and certainty, this podcast explores presence over performance, curiosity over commentary, and connection over division.

Each episode features honest reflections on real-life moments — the things seen, heard, and experienced in everyday life — followed by unscripted conversations with rotating guest hosts who come ready with real questions. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we sit in tension. Occasionally there’s a little brown water involved. But always, the goal is the same: to practice being more human with one another.

This isn’t a show about having all the answers. It’s about asking better questions. It’s about listening longer than feels comfortable. It’s about choosing kindness in small moments that often go unnoticed.

If you’re looking for perfection, this isn’t it. If you’re looking for thoughtful conversation about relationships, empathy, faith, leadership, and community — welcome.

Shut up a little more than usual.

Love your neighbor — the one right in front of you.

SPEAKER_00

Hey everybody, I'm Dave.

SPEAKER_01

And I'm Nicole.

SPEAKER_00

And welcome to Shut Up and Love Your Neighbor Podcast. Hopefully you have a chance to follow us on Instagram. It's the Dave. And if you have any feedback, comments, or complaints, you can hit us up at the Dave at shutupandlovyourneighbor.com. How about that?

SPEAKER_01

Amazing. Your own website.

SPEAKER_00

It is amazing. I wouldn't call it a website for sure, but it's a it's a landing page. Great. Okay, I'll at least give it give you that. Um so welcome, Nicole. Thank you. And uh everybody, Nicole is our friend. Uh we've known each other for I don't know, two or three years, something like that.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

Um and Nicole is kind of OG, shut up and love your neighbor, right? Uh she was doing it when it wasn't cool. You probably don't know this, but Barbara Mandrell used to sing a song, uh, I was country when country wasn't cool. Do you even know that? I don't think I know that song. No, most people listening won't know it either, unless they're over 60. Maybe today. Yeah, you should look it up. Uh but you were you were shut up and love your neighbor when it wasn't cool. You've been doing this lifestyle for a long time, true? We have. Yes, we have, yeah. And we can get into that. Um, but before we do, uh the first thing that we always like to do is to present you with a gift. Yes. That's right. Who doesn't like a white box?

SPEAKER_01

I mean, it's almost like a white elephant.

SPEAKER_00

I don't want you it's a box. I don't want you to open it here because it's got a lot of packaging and everything in there. But it is this lovely mug that has been made exclusive for our guests on the podcast. Amazing, right? So you can drink your coffee and always have that reminder.

SPEAKER_01

I can't wait. I've got an OG mug for an OG lifestyle. I'm here for it.

SPEAKER_00

That's what I like. That's what I like. You are the OG. So I'm gonna pour myself a little bit of the brown water. I've got you some fresh filtered water uh in your regular coffee cup, if you will.

SPEAKER_01

I love it.

SPEAKER_00

Um and I'm gonna start with an update if that's cool.

SPEAKER_01

Can't wait to hear it.

SPEAKER_00

All right, so uh I think you knew uh producer Candy and I went to Paris a week or two ago. I kind of lost track, but um, and had an amazing trip. Um visited with our niece, we saw all the sights, we ate great food, great cocktails, it was a great experience. Um, but we had a little bit of a rough start. Okay. Yeah, we did. And uh basically, you know, you fly overnight, of course, anytime you go to Europe, and then you gotta power through the day so you can adjust. And so we did that and um ended up going to sleep that first night at nine o'clock. Okay.

SPEAKER_02

We got back.

SPEAKER_00

Paris time. All right. We got we got back from dinner, and no lie, I don't know that I was in the room 30 seconds before I was in bed and out. Yep. I was so tired. Um, so that was nine o'clock, and at 12 47 a.m. and I don't know if there are certain sounds or things in the night that particularly wake you up. I know back in the day for me, the sound of one of our cats about to vomit that would wake you up out of a dead sleep. Doesn't matter how deep you are, you're up. Yeah, you know that sound. So there are certain sounds that wake you up. And at 12 47 a.m. in our hotel room in Paris, I heard the sound of our door opening. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

That would jump out of bed for me or under the covers. I'm not sure which one, or when you're so tired, you don't know if you're hearing it correctly.

SPEAKER_00

Right. I've always wondered how I would respond to that kind of scenario, and now I know. Okay, how'd you respond? I I looked up immediately, and I saw two people moving into our room across the threshold of the door. I threw the covers off, I screamed really deep and really loud. Okay, hey, and then I hopped out of bed and started moving towards the door. Now, all of that probably took two and a half seconds. Yes. Right? But as I'm moving towards the door, everything kind of comes into focus finally, and it's two young women backing out, saying, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. They looked scared out of their minds as well. So I realized, like, okay, they're not a threat. Yeah. They are as frightened as I am in this moment. So I shut the door. I didn't, I didn't make niceties or anything. I needed to make safety first.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. So I bigger wife to protect.

SPEAKER_00

Exactly. I shut the door. And uh if producer Candy was here, uh, she is absent, unfortunately, this episode. But if she was here, um she would she would verify uh that she kind of came around from her side of the bed and was like, get me glasses on now. I'm here to help. You know, because her and I'm not gonna confirm or deny. You can fact check it with her. I'm going to fact-check. You can fact-check uh her vision is really bad. So when she takes her contacts out, she needs her little glasses on when we go to bed at night, and when she wakes up in the morning, um, she really cannot see. Okay. And so, you know, she was frightened by all of the chaos as well. So it took her a minute to get her glasses on and so on and so forth. Once she got them on, I had shut the door, she came over and, you know, was like, Oh, your security team's here for the rescue. Um, no, she didn't say that part, I made that part of it. But I said, Hey, we've got to go downstairs. And uh so we did. And, you know, uh I was pretty clear about my displeasure.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, did you see the people that entered your room in the lobby also? I'm sure they were.

SPEAKER_00

It was a very boutique hotel with a small desk. Um, you know, it was literally a desk, uh, one gentleman. Yeah, you know. So everybody, you know, it's just one of those scenarios where everybody is kind of mortified. Yeah. It was nothing malicious, um, and all of that. And uh so um the way that they remedied the scenario though, they did offer us a bottle of water.

SPEAKER_01

Wow.

SPEAKER_00

That's right. That's right.

SPEAKER_01

I happened to be wine baguettes or croissants, or a free room night. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

No, no, okay. No, it was a bottle of water. And I happened to be very thirsty at the time, so I said, actually, I will take a bottle of water. And Candy was kind of like, what? So yeah, uh, the gentleman that night, he kind of thought it was another guy's fault, and then when they came, we came down in the morning, they thought it was the other guy's fault. And so uh we just kind of decided to move on with our the rest of our stay. And uh, but I will tell you, um, that kind of incident will get your blood flowing.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It will get your blood flowing, a little bit of adrenaline rush, and it might cause you to buy one or two safety items that you travel with from that point forward. I'm just saying I've got a couple of things uh to make sure that the door cannot be opened by other people.

SPEAKER_01

You're gonna need to enlighten me because I travel all the time. I mean, it's it's uh I don't travel with these.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and you should. I'm right, especially both of us travel a lot. Um, I think females need to be especially mindful of their security. Um and one of them is a door stop that you simply set, you know, just up against the door, and if that door opens, it depresses and a very loud alarm goes off. Okay. So that's one. Then the other is something that you um basically close the door with this piece of metal right there in the latch. Okay. So it will close and the metal is kind of sitting there, and then you you put this other piece sort of perpendicular, okay, and it locks and it's kind of in attached to the the the actual door mechanism, the latch. So you can't actually open the door.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

Now, I will say, Nicole, my concern about this is if you remember Bob Sagitt's story, uh, he was found in a hotel room. So I don't know how they're getting in if anything happens to me in the hotel room, but nobody's getting in as far as safety.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

So you kind of have to weigh it all out whether or not you want to, you know. But maybe you just use the extra alarm or or whatever. But there's lots of different things you can think about. I'm just saying it was unnerving that somebody else could put a key in a door and get into our room. Yes, that is very unnerving. Even with the double lock. Like it didn't, it just opened right up. So um, how about that for an update?

SPEAKER_01

I mean, did you go back to sleep after that?

SPEAKER_00

Uh not right away. Yeah. Um, we tossed and turned. Well, we didn't even toss and turn. We sat up uh for about a half an hour and then decided I was gonna take a little melatonin.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And uh that helped. I did get back to sleep uh and slept in, actually. Okay, and the rest of the Paris trip was absolutely off the charts. Amazing. It was it was phenomenal. So uh let me just ask, off the cuff, do you have any horrible travel stories?

SPEAKER_01

Uh the only one I can think of is we were standing in an Airbnb and same so it was a condo scenario. Yeah, and we heard the door, like someone trying to put in the code. It was all codes because it wasn't at a hotel.

SPEAKER_00

Yep, but you know somebody's out there.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we were in an apartment, and so the bedroom is kind of in the back, and so I'm waking up, we have kids, and so you know, you wake up at the noise of throw-up, someone getting out of their bed, or a door being opened.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_01

Um, and we're preteen, so the door being open is gonna come in super handy, you know, in teenage years. Uh I hope it doesn't.

SPEAKER_02

So we'll see.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. But um, so I'm waking up Zach saying, Hey, uh, someone's opening the door. And so he jumps up right away, went, and we didn't have the um gate lock, like the metal chain, the chain lock on the door. And so he did that and they heard it. And then we saw him at the pool the next day, and they were like, I'm so sorry, we got in late, weren't feeling well, we thought we were on our door. Sorry we did that to you. But it was that same thing of you're in a strange place, it's the first night, right? And it's you're confused on where you are when you wake up, and uh the whole scenario really can just honestly trigger you in a different way. No, a hundred percent sends you into all those spirals of what if that are not necessary because both scenarios were not that scenario.

SPEAKER_00

Yep. Yeah. And we know of folks that have you know have had past military experiences, might be triggered, might like it's it's pretty unnerving. Yeah um, and uh, but that scenario like mine, it's like people are not trying to, yeah, you know what I mean? It was an accident, yeah. It was an accident, and we very much appreciated that. So cool, awesome. Um, let's talk about um what Shut Up and Love Your Neighbor has looked like for you ten years before Shut Up and Love Your Neighbor came along.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, let's do it. So listen, you know this about me. I played college basketball, and so I've always been a believer in community that you just really can't do it alone. There's no way. Uh, and so then fast forward that between moves of when I was a kid to you know, going to college and learning to survive on my own to getting married. I just realized that community, we needed it. My parents opened their doors to people all the time for dinners. Um, friends' parents let me in. I mean, I still remember my best friend at the time in elementary school. My mom worked and her mom made me breakfast every morning.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_01

And it wasn't planned. It was just I went over to her house and she's like, Hey, Nicole, do you need breakfast? And it's been one of these that I've sent her thank you through the years of that really was touching to me and showed me the importance of always having enough food, always having enough. Um, not in plentiful and knowing that it'll whatever you have will be the right thing. But um, that being prepared to receive people was a gift on the receiving end. Right, right, right. And I kind of took that with me of I always wanted to be prepared to receive people in our home or to be there for people. And what did that look like? It it didn't look big and awes, you know, ostentatious. It looked like honestly, a Taylor ham and cheese egg sandwich when I was in elementary school.

SPEAKER_00

So wow. All right, so that's cool. I've now heard you characterize it that way. So I have a question. Sure. Um, so being prepared to to receive people into your home, um how has that uh unfolded?

SPEAKER_01

Like Yeah, so every home that we have lived in, we we entered the home viewing it whether renting or buying, how with how many people can we fit at a table?

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

How many people? Wow. And if in our current home, it wasn't a ton. We had like a half wall there. And so it was how quickly can we tear down the half wall? Oh wow. So that we could just make the pivots. Do we have a back patio we could sit on or a back porch or um and so we've we've been intentional. I've been married almost 19 years next month.

SPEAKER_00

For real?

SPEAKER_01

I know.

SPEAKER_00

Where's the time gone? Oh my gosh, you guys look like you're in your 30s.

SPEAKER_01

I know. Thank you. Proud, but thank you. And so we've just have been like-minded. It's helpful, it's helpful to have a like-minded person, you know, teammate in my life, which is my husband. And so his mom was the same way, like always opened her home too. So um we've just always gone into our the spaces that we live, not with this needs to be a dream home, because I don't even know if that really exists, even though that's the language we use in America of like my dream home. We've never had that vision. It was what home can be used for our kids spaces, what home can be used for our neighbors or our friends, what homes could be used for my parents to live with us in the summer, what home could be used if someone's just passing through and they need a place to stay, like can we house people? And that's really been our focus for the last 19 years.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. We um not quite, I'm trying to think, not quite as granular as that, but one of our big discussions moving from our condo uh years back, like 10 years ago, uh when we moved into this home was very much around how could we use it, what spaces are there, you know, how can we get other people in here, kind of kind of that. Um and we had the unique experience of everybody on our street moved in at the same time because it was new construction. Yeah, I mean, generally within like three months of each other. Um and so we had these grand visions of you know how it was gonna be, along the lines of what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

Um and I'll save I don't know if I've gone into that before or not, but I'll go into it eventually. But so I can relate to that is my point. Um kind of going in and having um a mindset of what you're looking for. So your current home, um have you had like when you talk about, you know, again, being prepared to receive people into our home, like when you moved into the neighborhood, what was that like? How has it evolved in your current neighborhood?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And and what does that look like?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so our current neighborhood that we moved into, we moved into because of friends. We took a couple year hiatus in Germany. Okay, yeah. And then so when we moved back, we sold that house and bought a house in the same neighborhood, site unseen, Facebook, or not Facebook, FaceTime. Um and so a friend walked through it on FaceTime and we put in an offer. It was back when homes weren't as competitive, right? Not what the current climate is right now. So um, and we it was the home next to our friends, the original people we moved in the neighborhood for, literally next door. So we called them up and we're like, we really like you and you probably really like us, but like next door is next door. Like, do we really want to be in that proximity? Right. That's very close. Right. You know, you're sitting on your we we live in, you know, their house is right there. It's a single family home, but their house is right there. And so when we're on our porch, they can hear us, see us, wave to us, you know, all the things. And so they're like, Yeah, this is great. So we moved into that home to be able to um have my parents stay in the basement. It's a on a angle, and so the it's a walkout basement, and they can have some more autonomy when they come versus you know having to use the same stairwell and everything and see us every moment of every day in the summer.

SPEAKER_00

Um that would be yeah, right?

SPEAKER_01

They wouldn't want it, right? Like they, you know, I've got a little privacy here, please. I've got excitable kids. And so um when we moved, so we already pre-pl had a friend. And I think that that is key. Like when I when we now give advice to where people should move, it's like go where your people are. And we live in an area in northern Virginia where it's like, well, I want more land and I want more space and I want more freedom. And it also comes with a loss of community, it comes with a loss of that neighborly touch. And so our in all of our experience, we have now said it's not necessarily about the dream home, especially when you're in the child rearing years. Right, right. And you need community in different ways. It's really about where are your people and go there, go close.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Because the being able to walk, the being able to pass dishes, I need a cup of sugar. Like I I don't have to drive in the car to go do that. And once you make that boundary of you have to drive to go see someone, you just don't see them as much. Like it's just the reality. We don't get to see each other as much.

SPEAKER_00

We don't live far away from one another and don't see each other unless it's on purpose.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. It's maybe eight to ten miles we live. And I've never been here before. So it's lovely, by the way. Yeah. Uh so that's just been key for us, is and what's really cool, and I haven't filled you in on this, we have friends moving to the street.

SPEAKER_00

To your current street?

SPEAKER_01

To our current street. They're in the neighborhood and relocating to our current street.

SPEAKER_00

So they are only like they're not even moving a mile away.

SPEAKER_01

No, they're just like we we call, I told them, you know, moving on up to the east side because we're up a little hill. I'm like, well, it's west.

SPEAKER_00

But are they doing that solely because they want to be a part of that community?

SPEAKER_01

Partly that. They're doing that because it's a single family home, but also because they want space to host. Right. And they don't currently have that. And so we are it's like a couple doors down, and so we're so pumped up that that's gonna happen and change alley parties and and all the things that just make the difference when you really unite your lives together, uh, and committed to just showing up for people. And how do you show up well? So uh I think proximity is everything, and we've learned that the hard way along the way, for sure.

SPEAKER_00

Um so I mean, it sounds like you've had a pretty successful run, but I know at some point over the last 10 years, let's say, there has to have been something that maybe didn't go as expected. Any any hiccups, any any bumps in the road at trying to to love neighbors or or anything that you were trying to do that didn't go the way that you that you thought, and it's okay if the answer is no.

SPEAKER_01

I think it just takes time. Um I think it takes getting over the hiccups of you're gonna be the one to invite, you're gonna be the one to initiate. That doesn't mean that other people don't care. It just means that that's not their gifting or they're underwater and they can't figure it out, or they've never had community modeled and they don't know that there's a different way. And we've been told that. They're like, wow, we've had friends that are like, this is the first community, like being in community with you is the first time we've ever done this. We just are kind of lone wolves and have always done this ourselves.

SPEAKER_00

And I I so let me piggyback on that. So on one side of the coin, if you've been doing this for a long time, or if you're just naturally wired this way, um it feels very comfortable. It feels like, of course, why wouldn't everybody do this? Right, the world would be perfect if everyone would do what I'm doing, right?

SPEAKER_01

In all transparency.

SPEAKER_00

But then the flip side of that coin is not everybody is wired the same.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um if they've never experienced it, they don't even know that there's no model to follow. Um and I actually so we have great relationships with everybody on our street. I shouldn't say everybody. Yeah. We have great relationships with most of the neighbors on our street. And um one in particular has helped us numerous times with, you know, doing stuff to the house while we're gone or getting the mail or whatever it might be.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um and so the other night, uh I'm just gonna say it because he he probably will listen and uh I'm gonna say it anyway. I was in bed.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00

It was eight fifteen p.m. Sounds like our house. Right? Eight fifteen p.m. I was in bed, and he texts that um Um, he and his wife were at Walmart. You know, they had uh they were celebrating something, so he was allowed to buy a large TV, didn't fit in their vehicle. And uh, you know, Candy's first response was, he does so much for us, you need to get out of bed and go help them. So, of course, and I it didn't, she didn't have to convince me, of course. So we went and did that, and it worked out great, but uh the drive from getting the TV, uh, he and I were in the car together, and he was pointing that same thing out. Now he's told me this before, but we were catching up, and I was saying, Oh, we might be moving next year out of state, etc. etc. And he um he responded to that with man, really happy for you guys, but you know, such a loss for us. We're totally gonna miss you. We've never experienced neighboring or whatever he didn't say neighboring, but you know, living lifelike on our street until you guys reached out, until you guys started the potlucks or whatever. And, you know, and I was like, well, now it's up to you guys to continue. And you've seen it modeled, go do the same thing, you know, connect with people and and so on and so forth. So to your point, there is a lot out there as far as people who haven't seen it, have never had the gift of benefiting from it, you know, uh, etc. But it's not always just, you know, when we talk about, you know, loving your neighbor or who is your neighbor, it's not always the person right next door or even on your street. So like we both travel, you are a facilitator for a living, right? Uh a lead trainer. Um, and so that takes you on the road. Yes. Um, have you had any experiences as you're traveling out and about throughout the country of interacting with people where you don't have four years to build a relationship, you have a four-minute interaction.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. What is that like?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. So I think the key to any of this is looking up and looking out. And so in our daily life, we're just busy looking in, really, like what's our to-do list? What's the next task we need to do? We we operate in a model that's not a lot of bandwidth, not a lot of extra time. You know, we use this word time, time, time. We never have enough time. And so I have found that living in community, not necessarily about just the people in proximity, like you said, it, but if I look up and out, I encounter people every day. And so, how can I make a difference in their life in their moment that I encounter them? And so I try to be attuned to that. Like, hey, these aren't by chance, they might be on purpose. And so I was recently in this small town uh in Louisiana, and we had just found a cool hotel that was like up and coming to stay at. We had never stayed there before. We had just stayed at a chain before. Um, and so my teammate stayed there the week before. And so he's like, go get breakfast. It's great. Like, and we're so ha happy it's clean and lovely. And so I was like, Great, and has a restaurant, right? You know, so I'm like, great, I'll go get breakfast. And I'm the second person there, it's obviously empty. It's like you know, 6 30, so early, and we're about to go be with um leaders for the rest of the day and for the next couple days. And so my mind's eye is I gotta eat nutritious, I gotta get protein, I gotta get my body fueled to be able to stand up in front of people for the next couple of days and bring energy. And uh, so I I the ordering's taking forever and there's nobody there, you know. And so your first kind of sign is nobody there, like no other guests.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, it's yeah, there's one person. One person, okay.

SPEAKER_01

And nobody, but I can hear people chatting, like the the staff there chatting.

SPEAKER_00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

And so I wouldn't, I can't lie and say that at first. I'm like, um, are you kidding me? Right. Like I've been here 10 minutes, it's 6 30. I need a cup of coffee. Like, come on.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that happens.

SPEAKER_01

Um, and so I'm like, okay, I plan enough time, like I'm gonna be okay. You know, I'm looking at making sure I know what I want on the menu when they come. Like, I am ready for when this person comes to greet me to like pounce with my needs, you know?

SPEAKER_00

And um I'll have this and this and this and the check as well.

SPEAKER_01

And the check at the same time.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01

And so she comes over and she's saying some, you know, hi, and you can already tell something's happening for her. And you I wouldn't have be if I didn't live in this posture, I don't think I would have noticed. I think I would have noticed what was happening to me. What was happening to me is my time crunch was happening. I was worried about me, I was worried about what I needed to do. And I I think if I would have stayed in that mindset for without doing this over years, it would have been easy to miss the moment.

SPEAKER_00

And let me interject real quick on your story, because I think we talked about this on uh the last episode. Um just the fact that we don't know what anyone else is going through at all. Like, yeah, everybody's going through something, something, right? But usually we're all consumed with what's going on with us. So it is a total shift to really be finding that balance to other people. But go ahead.

SPEAKER_01

And it's not to minimize your own stuff, your own stuff you need to work on, work through, work with, but it's recognizing that your stuff isn't greater than somebody else's. We're all just carrying a load.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

And so I'm kind of watching, you know, I order my things, I'm more gentle because I recognize something's going on for her, and she's apologizing and but profusely apologizing for stuff that wasn't a big deal.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

So um she comes back and I I wish I could tell you I asked, remembered what question I asked her. I really don't. And I don't know in those moments that it matters. I think what matters is you just open the door for the conversation. And so we don't have to have the right words all the time. I don't, certainly. Um, and so I opened interject again.

SPEAKER_00

So we have a mutual friend, John. Yes. Uh, and he I I've I've paraphrased this almost on every episode since. Um then it's a tradition. He is talking about the fact when he thinks to shut up and love your neighbor, people want to be seen and known. Absolutely like that's what you're in this moment of the story. That's what I'm feeling is you made her seen and known.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01

And so I again don't know what I asked her, but it opened the door for her to say, I've just had a really hard morning. And that opened the door for me to say, why? Right. Tell me more. I want to hear more. I mean, I I now we're in the moment. Right. So don't let me shut it down. Like we're going all the way there.

SPEAKER_00

Let's go.

SPEAKER_01

And she starts saying that her husband passed away a couple months ago. And so I ask, is it expected? She's young, she's young, you know, my maybe my age, and um no, it wasn't expected. He had an overdose. Okay. Uh, I'm so sorry. You know, just affirming people. Man, that's terrible.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_01

I'm so sorry. Right. And then she's like, Yeah, you know, and she's working through sobriety. And you could tell she's fighting the hard battle of grief and sobriety at the same time. And so she tells me how long she's been sober. And all I could say was, Congratulations.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

Like, way to crush it, way to choose today. When today seemed like a hard choice, you know what I mean, for what you're walking through. And so I just tried to I didn't know her, but I did try to see say to her what I think we should see in hum every human is you're you're fighting the hard fight and you're doing the right thing and you're making choices that are difficult and challenging, like stay the course, stay the course. I don't know the battle you're fighting.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

But just what you've told me, you got it's a lot going on for you. Um and you know, she you and that was kind of it. I mean, she's crying and talking, you know, I I don't want to get her in trouble, also. So I'm like cognizant of like, is there a manager around? Well, I'm, you know, this is going on in this interaction. And can I just tell you that I left that interaction going, well, that wasn't about the breakfast. It wasn't about the breakfast. The breakfast wasn't even that good. It wasn't. And I told my teammate that. I was like, why did you have to do that?

SPEAKER_00

No recommend that restaurant to anyone else, okay?

SPEAKER_01

And I'd asked for the check when I ordered. Right. Um, I really felt I was there for her. Um, and I don't know her story. I never saw her again. Uh, I was there two nights. I I um asked, I used the hotel pad, but I thought about her all day, like through my meetings, through leading other people. I was like, there's some interactions like that where you're just like, I they were bigger than that, was bigger than me.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_01

I I was just some kind of encouragement tool.

SPEAKER_00

But what if you weren't in a posture to be looking for those moments? She's like, if you don't practice that. Right. That you could have brushed right past.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And what if, you know, and I'm I don't want to over-dramatize a serious moment, but what if, you know, that moment had passed and she was this close to going over the edge and going to get a drink or what have you. But that engagement, that acknowledgement, that encouragement, that affirmation in that moment at that time was just what she needed to keep going.

SPEAKER_01

I will have You know what I mean? I'll have no idea. I really won't. And and we all don't. I think what I would do.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_01

And I think what I would say about really loving other people and actually shutting up and loving your neighbor, like truly closing your mouth and opening your ears, um, is it takes time and it takes resources and it takes thought. Um, and so I go back to the room that night, I use a pad of paper. They all give you free pads of paper. I use a pad of paper, I go to the front desk, I ask for an envelope. They don't have one, so I have to buy a postcard that has comes with an envelope, which I still don't fully understand. A post aren't they two separate male USPS items? I didn't realize that.

SPEAKER_00

I didn't realize either, but I haven't purchased a postcard in a number of years, but right.

SPEAKER_01

I did. Okay, I had purchased a postcard and I wrote her a note, and she wasn't I went to breakfast the next morning for the equally not good breakfast, but I chose differently.

SPEAKER_00

Wow.

SPEAKER_01

I I did do choose differently.

SPEAKER_00

Your expectation was different the second day than the first day. 100%. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I just sat there at the table and I wrote her a note, and I wrote her again what I saw in her that the battle is worth it and the fight of life is worth it. Um, and that she she's seen and you know, I that I've been thinking about her and just tried to leave some kind of encouragement. And I knew her name from the receipt. Well, she introduced herself and I remembered, remember people's names. I'm not great at it all the time, but I do really try when people say their name and then someone says your name to you, like, hey Dave.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_01

It's like, oh, okay, they know my name.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And so it was also on the receipt. So there's two ways to kind of validate the assumptions that you remember. And I wrote her a note and I left it with her coworker. She said, She's not here today, and I said, No problem. And she said, I'll seal it and put it back in the lockers. And so Wow, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I don't know. I um, and I don't like to repeat uh stories on the podcast, which is completely opposite of how I live my life, where anyone that knows me would say he tells the same stories over and over again. Uh, but um on the last episode I talked about how um Candy and I went to dinner. Yep. Uh was just the other night. Okay. Uh or a week ago, whatever it was. And uh um at the table, when we got to the table, was not a birthday card, but a handwritten with lots of words note um saying, Happy birthday, wish you this, this, and this, and this. So glad you're here, blah, blah, blah. And like five employees signed it. And I'm gonna go. That's amazing. So, I mean, that is the kind of thing that makes people feel seen. Yeah, right. Uh, to your point. Um what I'm curious, so you know, that's a uh some people might call it a chance encounter. I I wouldn't necessarily call it a chance encounter, but um, you know, you had that, it's not the four-year neighbor on your street, right? It's a it's a very quick interaction for all intent and purposes. Um I'm curious when you come away with that or from that, yeah, what does that do to you? Like in your reflection and as you've shared the story a few times over, and I think you posted on social media. Yeah. So clearly you have time to sit in it. Yeah. What does it do to you?

SPEAKER_01

I think it ties back to some of the right before I told the story, you talked about like lessons learned, your neighbor carrying it on forward. Um, or the hardships that have come in loving people because we're messy. Uh, and so for me, what I come away with it is greater empathy. Um, and I don't say it lightly because I started off trying to build community with probably a little judgment in my heart of when people didn't come. It's like, wow, we're too busy. Like, man, I went out on a limb and invited. Yeah. And it's in the subconscious sometimes, maybe not sometimes, like just in full transparency. Um, but on the journey, I've grained gained greater, greater empathy because I'm learning people's stories. And so when you don't know people, you validate your own assumptions about them, which are most of the time not true. Um and sometimes they are, some, but most of the time they're not. And so what that's done for me is go, okay, she had something way greater going on in her life than I than that needed attention in the moment. And we've been in a season lately, and that we've gotten invited a couple places, and they're um, you know, like, hey, bring something to pass. And I'm in a season of tapped capacity. So I've just been showing up and I'm like, my gift is my presence. Right. I'm here and I'm here. And so, but I feel okay doing that because I've know that we've built empathy and grace into the relationship. And I didn't have that in the beginning. That's been learned over time. Like when someone didn't bring something, it was like, man, I'm just gonna provide everything. And sometimes there's just seasons of people's life, and the key is to meet them in that season. So I met that woman in her season, and I have been given the same kind of grace through friendships recently of that same season of just just come. I'm inviting you because I want you. I'm not inviting you for the stuff you bring or the delicious dip you make. I just want your company. Um, and I've also been vulnerable about it. Like, hey, I'm coming empty-handed, but I I really believe you're gonna love me anyway. And so that over the years has what has taken place is that the recognizing that there's way more going on. Right. Um, and how do you not get frustrated about that? How do you meet people there where they're at?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I um so I I uh very much appreciate the conversation, of course. Um I'm gonna ask you the quintessential question we asked at the end. Um and we've mostly talked about this, so this might be difficult to answer at this point, but when you think about shut up and love your neighbor, like just peeling back all the layers to what it is, what would you say it means to you and or um for somebody hearing about it and and maybe they like the phrase, you know, it's oh I like that shut up, or what you know, maybe they're tune up for whatever reason it resonates, could be a variety of reasons. Um how can someone you know start to embody that depending on what it means to you? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I think for me it just means showing up, um, being available when possible, saying the yeses of getting out of the bed. I love that example of your friend. I mean, you someone asked you to help them. Right, right, right. People in this world don't ask for help in that scenario. And so I'm like, wow, Candy was so right to say go help them with the TV, but it's saying Candy's right often, let's be honest.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Uh it's saying the yeses at inconvenient times. And it's it's knowing that there could be a greater impact on the backside. It's not always possible. I don't want to say you can always put things to the side, but there are probably times that you've said no when you really could have said yes.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, and I have shared that on this podcast before.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um, but I like that. Embracing inconvenience. Embracing inconvenience. Embracing inconvenience. Awesome. Nicole, my friend. Uh hold on one second, everybody. I I made the mistake of of finishing.

SPEAKER_01

Um we're doing like a last sip.

SPEAKER_00

We're gonna do we're gonna do the last sip. It's like the last supper, but not. So we like to tell people shut up and love your neighbor. Cheers.