Episode 10: With Jem - Exploring Non-Monogamy, Jealousy & Self-Acceptance Around Cannabis

A real-time check in 🤍

No script. No polish. Just where I’m actually at right now with flipping my own scripts.

A few things have been stirring lately and instead of waiting until I’ve figured them out, I thought I’d hit record.

In this one I dive into:
– exploring jealousy, insecurity, and relationship dynamics
– self-acceptance around my use and long-time relationship cannabis

Consider this your latest voice note from the journey… letting you into the process in real time.

Intro & outro music: Flip the Script VIP by Ashez (used with permission, and gratitude)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi there, well it's been a while since I've done a little life update, so I thought it was about time. And the first thing that I wanted to update you all on and share what I've been moving through the last week or so is that I'm seeing somebody and we are both open to exploring non-monogamy. So yeah, I thought I would talk about that because I actually wanted some people on the podcast that were already, you know, quite settled into non-monogamy. But I guess, you know, it's a topic that some people are quite private about. So yeah, I thought, well, I'm exploring it, so why not me talk about it? So I guess how this came up to me in terms of exploring it is that I've always had you know, kind of a connection with other people when I've been in relationships, and you know, whether that's like a work crush or like someone you meet out and you have a great connection with, and I've never explored it because I've been in monogamous relationships, but I've always thought to myself, like, what is this? You know, like why am I entertaining thoughts of getting to know somebody else? And it just kind of resonated a lot with me in the way that I've been feeling about monogamy within myself, and you know, admittedly, I have also looked at the other side of it where it's like, well, maybe your needs aren't being met in this area, so that's why you are you know interested or connected w in connecting with this other person, but you know, I do believe that one person is not meant to fulfil all your needs or can't fulfil all your needs. I mean, you know, maybe there is one person out there that can, but um generally, yeah, I believe that no one can. And I mean when you think about that in terms of like friendships, you know, like you've got different friends for different things. Like I might have friends that I go walking with, and then I might have go friends that I go dancing with, and I might have, you know, so really I guess it's kind of thinking about applying it in romantic relationships, perhaps. I mean, I am very aware of my energy and capacity, you know. So for me, I think that non-monogamy looks like one kind of main partner, life partner, kind of partner in crime, and then you know, you have you you explore other connections with other people, but yeah, you it might be like a festival kind of romance or connection, or yeah, someone that you travel with, or I don't know, but anyway, I'm open to exploring it, and the universe has put in put someone in my path that is already down that journey and you know willing to explore it with me. So, yeah, no expectations or commitments or kind of contracts, I suppose. Like, I guess now that I've already had the you know, marriage and having a child, that's not what my intention is now in terms of dating. So, yeah. Um, so yeah, funny how the universe does this because I, you know, after my last person that I was seeing, I had said to myself that I want to focus on my work and which I am doing anyway, um, but it's just funny how you know someone else comes along and it's like, huh, okay, we could spend time together, um, you know, when we have the time. So what's come up for me in the last week around this situation is we went on a date, and at the date, another person showed interest. Well, I mean, flirting, I would say, with my date, and that bring up some feelings for me, like you know, a bit of insecurity, a bit of jealousy, and I was like, okay, this is a good time for me to explore what's really going on for me here, because if I'm serious about exploring non-monogamy, these are feelings that you do need to explore. So, yeah, I guess what comes up is like, yeah, just the uh jealousy, like, oh, you know, that person's flirting with the person that I'm with, and insecurity, like, oh, you know, if that person entertains that flirting, and perhaps it goes further, like, you know, what does that say about me? But it's like actually, that doesn't say anything about me. Like, if you're gonna explore a non-monogamous relationship, like exactly like it would be for me, like if I have a connection with another person that I want to explore, it doesn't take away the connection that I already have with this other person, and um also you know, we can be attracted. I know this myself, we can be attracted to multiple people for multiple different reasons. So just because they're attracted to them and I don't have that thing, maybe that I think that they're attracted to, or you know, they are saying that they're attracted to, doesn't take away from any of the qualities or things about me that they find attractive attractive about me. So yeah, it's really a journey of self-exploration, I think. Uh non-monogamy. Um so yeah, really getting curious. I mean, it's also a lesson to me, is like that I need to own my feelings. Like, you know, no one else is gonna responsible for the action towards your feelings or whatever, like you are responsible for how you feel, and it is your responsibility to you know figure out a way through those feelings or to sit with those feelings or whatever, and not yeah, you can share them with the other person, like I felt jealous or insecure when this happens, but it's really up to you to deal with that. Um, so yeah, really good personal development kind of journey too. I mean, I'm not saying that look, I'm just fucking exploring, right? Just like everything in my life at the moment. I'm just exploring, I'm just figuring out, and you know, I thought maybe being honest about this might make some people not feel so alone in their own feelings that they may have about, you know, being attracted to multiple people or wanting to, you know, explore relationships with other people. And I mean, for me, that may not mean that I'm actually, you know, sexually or romantically engaged with other people. It's just that I've got one person that I have that with, and then I have all these other different kinds of relationships that you know I don't I find hard to put labels on or boxes around, you know. I I do enjoy male friendships. Um, a lot of them have been non-sexual or non-romantic, so um it's kind of not really a new concept for me in terms of having different friends that bring you different things, like it would be for a lot of people. But I guess, yeah, it's like right, do I actually want to have sexual-based relationships with other people as well as the main person that I'm with? Um, yeah. So there you go, watch the space, but um bringing up a lot of yeah, good kind of insights for me. The other thing that I thought um might be worth sharing on here, um, because this is a thread that you may have noticed that I'm already exploring a lot with some of the guests, and that is around cannabis. Uh, for those of you that don't know, um I have a very complex and long relationship with cannabis. I first found it uh when I was about 13 or 14, I think. Um and yeah, the first time I tried it, didn't really know what I was doing, didn't really, you know, probably inhale properly or whatever. Um and yeah, it was enjoyable, but I guess I had I knew I had the sense of like this is something bad kind of in my head because you know we were hiding it. It was after school or something at someone's house when their mum was at work or something like that, you know. So definitely not something that we felt that we could do in the open. Um, and then I I don't know, maybe a year or so. I'm bad with remembering timelines, but um, I started doing it more regularly. Um, you know, uh weekends definitely, but like after school, things like that, on a weekday, at school, wagging school, going down to the park. So it became a more regular feature in my life. And I think, you know, back then I thought it was a recreational thing and um whatever, but like when I think about it, it's like it actually gave me sweet relief, you know, it grounded me, it um yeah, just gave me some escape from all the overthinking and kind of thoughts that were going on in my head. And so this last year or so has made me realize that it's always been medicine mostly for me, not necessarily recreational. Um so yeah, that's been a good big realization and a big part of the self-acceptance. Um, I've always loved it. I have loved what it yeah, just does for me mentally. Um, admittedly, you know, sometimes I can um when I'm really kind of at my what's the word, like, you know, when I'm really at the low end of my battery, it can kind of get me a little pep up to kind of get through whatever I still need to get through. Um, but yeah, I've always felt a lot of shame about this part of myself. Um, it's not something that I grew up around, you know, the adults doing. Um, so you know, if anyone was, it would have been more hidden. Um, you know, it being illegal from a recreational point, I guess drums into your head, you know, that you're a bad person because you want to do this thing, um, and you enjoy it. And that I think in itself is, you know, very, very damaging. I mean, I know it is for myself. So um it's not something exactly that you know, you open a conversation with with everyone that you meet, but I would say that there's a lot of friends that didn't know about this side of me. Um, and I felt ashamed of it, and that they wouldn't be friends with want to be friends with me anymore, or things like that, and you know, the whole negative stereotypes of like, oh, you're just a lazy loser stoner kind of in my brain somewhere. Um, which, you know, when I explore that, it's definitely not true whatsoever. So I guess where I'm coming to with this is that lately I've felt a lot more peace with it, you know, and a lot more acceptance with it. And I think really that is a very key piece in it, you know, because I've always been like, oh, you know, I shouldn't be doing this every day or whatever. And it's like, no, because it's actually my medicine, you know, when I think about it as a highly sensitive, maybe touch of ADHD kind of brained person, it it is my medicine, and you know, after having a lot of conversations with people around the subject on the podcast and in real life, I realize that I'm not the only one, and it you know, it isn't something to be ashamed of, and yeah, just it's it's been really freeing, and um it's kind of like, yeah, well, this is a part of me, and it is what it is, you know, and something also that I've really resonated with, which you will have heard or will hear about on a podcast episode coming up shortly, if not already, um, is therapeutic window. And cannabis helps me get within my therapeutic window at times so that I can function in life, and I don't use it to escape life, I use it to enhance life. So, you know, that's a key difference. Um yeah, if you are going through a similar kind of journey with your self-acceptance on cannabis or guess anything else that you use to deal with, well not deal with life, I don't want to use, to get within your therapeutic window at times. You know, it's your body, it's your choice, and you know, sometimes we just do what we gotta do. And I'm not saying necessarily that this is going to be in my life forever. I mean, you know, the way that I look at it now, I love it. The plant, I love you know, the so many different uses for it and all that kind of thing, and I think it's a much you know healthier and safer and better alternative to relaxing at the end of the day than uh some alcohol. Well, for p for myself personally, alcohol just you know, one goes down alright, but um any more than that, and yeah, just I can kind of feel the poison moving through my body. So that's been my experience with it lately. But in saying that, you know, I'm a human and I, you know, like to have a good time, and sometimes that good tongue does involve a little bit of alcohol on a blue moon, but um yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is like you know, I'm also aware of like your opinions and thoughts on something can change at any which time, right? So that's where I'm at currently with it. I still love it, um, I use it in an intentional and conscious way. Um yeah, it's not affecting my life in any which way. Um I'm still me, I still get my shit done. Um, and then yeah, when the time allows, I do partake. So, and I'm a legal medicinal user. Um, and it helps me with anxiety, with my overthinking, race and thoughts, grounding myself, being present. It helps with my chronic pain, it helps with my stomach issues. So, yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Who knows? Watch this space. So, yeah, I guess that's why that's been a common thread coming up for me in the podcast, is because I am pro-cannabis, and um I like hearing other people's stories and journeys with it, and I am all about supporting other people that are pro-cannabis and trying to um reduce some of the shame and stigma around people that do use it. Um yeah, so there you go. Those are two kind of big life updates for me. Um, hope you're all doing well and yeah, Kakita. Enjoy your day, week, month. Till next time.