“The Love that didn’t Leave”

The Love That Didn’t Leave (Grief Episode)

In this deeply personal episode, hosts Kawasi and Andre open up about the life‑altering loss of their fathers — and how grief has been showing up in waves that hit without warning. This conversation is raw, honest, and rooted in the truth that grief isn’t linear… but love never leaves.

They’re joined by UKRAY — Ukrainian artist, producer, and the sound engineer behind A Mouth Full Experience — who shares his own journey through the loss of his mother. His story adds a powerful layer to the conversation, reminding us that grief is universal, but the way we carry it is deeply personal.

Together, they explore:

• How grief comes in waves, not timelines
• The moments that still feel like their fathers are near
• The guilt, anger, numbness, and unexpected joy that follow loss
• How love continues long after life ends
• The ways art, faith, and community help us breathe again


To close the episode, UKRAY performs an exclusive live rendition of his song “Dance for Me Baddie” on the A Mouth Full Experience Stage — a tribute filled with emotion, movement, and memory.

✨ Follow UKRAY: @ukray4real
🎵 Stream his music on Spotify, Apple Music, and all platforms.

New episodes every Sunday at noon.
Subscribe to join the conversation, the healing, and the community.

Live video available on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@AMouthFullExperience 

Kawasi, @kawasiofficial [Singer, Songwriter, Executive Producer]
Andrew Wells, @iamandremonroe [Writer, Actor, Executive Producer]

Transcript

0:26

Hey, what's up, everybody? I'm Quay T. And I'm Andre. And this is a mouthful. So this is a very, very, very different episode today. You know, we started to slow it down, strip it down. This episode is about grief and uh how we deal with grief. And I know a lot of us have this in common on the stage. Um we have an incredible special guest today. Ukray. How are you? Can you tell us about you and where you're from? Um I'm from Ukraine originally, but I moved to the United States when I was 18 years old just to kick it and make some music. And I spent around seven years in North Carolina before I moved up to Portland in Oregon. So he's a Southern boy too. Yeah, the Southern hospitality is heart to beat. And and you guys, he's singing for us. He's singing later on. Yeah, yeah. Later on in the show, we got him to uh to agree to that. Uh, you know, dancing with a baddie, he's gonna perform for us today. Um also is one of the sound people for our show, too, as well. He's the sound producer for the show. So uh thank you for stepping in front of the camera for us today to talk about something so personal. Yeah, I'm lucky and grateful to be here. Of course, Andre? So, you know, the one reason why we kind of thought about this episode was it's just um, you know, you gotta cheers it to the ancestors. You have to talk about the people that brought you here, yeah. And how you celebrate them, and then when it comes down to grief, everybody knows it's all stages. Yeah, and so and and Andre, can we all go around and say who we lost and um you know what impact they had on our life, starting with you, Andre? So with me personally, it was my dad. Wow. And I just think it was a different impact on my life because I've always was very self-sufficient, and that's something that I got from him. Right. What about you, Ukraine? Uh I lost my mom in 2024, and it's uh been a a pretty tragic time ever since because uh my mom and I had a pretty deep bond, and she uh constantly checked in on me, and it almost felt like we were connected on s on a quantum level. Where if I feel bad or I'm going through some tough times in my life, she would always reach out and and check on me um out of nowhere just to confirm that I'm okay. And in most cases, I wasn't okay at the time. And so it just goes to show how tied we are with our ancestors. Yeah. And I I lost the reason why the show took a hiatus, guys, is because I lost my father in September of 2024. And um, as Andre, who was there for me, you know, having gone through it before me, it was a horrible time. I thought because my father didn't raise me and that we weren't close that it would hurt less if he ever passed. And my oh my, it hurt. And um it literally positioned me to be in a place where I instantly became a pillar or the backbone of my family. So uh Andre and I thought it was just great to talk about this because I looked online, I looked everywhere to see if I could find resources to help me grieve faster or feel quicker, you know. This is the one thing I explained to him. You don't, it's it's a process, and I'm saying, and I even told him, I'm like, it's you can't. Yeah. And I'm like, you at the end of the day, even though you don't think you have this bond with your parents, you do. Yeah. And it's gonna hit you differently. Like, you know, me and my dad, we had our issues. Yeah. But the thing is, it's like when you lose a parent, you like you don't realize it. No, you don't. And people who haven't lost parents, they take them for granted. They take them for granted. And I don't give a damn what your parent has done and hasn't done, what they've called you, what they said, you know, what whatever the argument is, look, you have you have only one set of parents. Forgive that shit and move on. Because when they're no longer here, they're gone forever. There's no argument, no, no, no, no fussing, no money, no thing uh more important. And even time on earth, if they're here on earth, you know, make amends, apologize. And and and sometimes we have to teach our parents. Have y'all learned this how to be parents? We have to teach them things. I don't think it's necessarily about apologizing. It's just like having an amendment. Yeah, just make an amendment. And I think that's that's like a big thing that people need to realize. It's just like sometimes you can you sometimes you have to like like accept people who there are, yeah, but at least you can say that you did everything in your power to try. Like so, but then they are people that do have these amazing bonds with their parents, right? And I wasn't one of them. My grandmother raised me, so I thought when she passed in 2020, I was like, oh, if my mom and daddy leave me, I'm not I'm gonna care because my grandmother was my everything. You know, she she raised me since six months, and I'm preparing for like, oh, this smooth transition. And I remember it like yesterday. And I want to ask you guys this question. Where were you and what were you doing when you found out your parents passed? I'll start with you, Ukray. Um I was in the state of shock initially just because I didn't even know how to react. What were you doing? Uh I I probably was locked in the studio. Okay. Yeah. Um, just working on some music as usual. Uh, and when my dad called me and uh mentioned that my mom has passed away, and um that's all he said that day. But then he just went on lingering in my mind, and I think the actual realization of pain didn't occur until after three days. Uh-huh. And I just had to cry it out. And that's when the final release happened. But until then, uh I I was mostly confused about what to even think of it. And it was just the emotional aspect that needed to be processed. Because otherwise words would not be enough to describe the complexity and and and to you also watching this. If you need to pause this and take time um and come back and watch this because uh the topic is too hard for you, please take time to do so. Um we are uh speaking about things that may uh cause a lot of emotional distress. Um so we just want to give you that trigger warning. Yeah, because it's not like I said, it's it's not through the faint heart, but like Quasi, what what what was your because I know yours was I feel very you know I I um I'll give you a little backdrop without saying too much. Um I was abandoned by my mom and my dad um at six months old. I didn't meet my parents until I was a teenager. And before then, I had a very, you know, uh tumultuous, troubled childhood because of the way I was raised, how I was raised. And I met my parents for the first time when I was a teenager, and it blew my world up because not only were they alive, they had two other children, living in a healthy, happy family. So I resented my brothers and sisters and my family for a while. Um went to therapy and uh realized that you know it didn't happen to me, it happened for me. And I had never I've never lived in a house with my mom and my dad, you know, like in the same house. So my grandmother raised me, she was my mom and my dad. I thought that when they passed away, it would have, it would have no effect on me. But I realized after my dad passed, apparently he he called me the chosen one. He named me. Um he had all the news clippings for my music, he knew all my music, all my songs. I thought he wasn't in my life, I thought he didn't care. Um and I was I remember I was sitting on the couch with Sean, probably watching anime, eating some takeout, and I got a phone call. And uh that call changed my life. My father had potentially passed away. And even that news is it I was stuck. I was stuck. I didn't know how to feel, um, and I I was stuck. And some days I'm still stuck, it comes in waves, but I'm learning how to get through it. What sort of relationship did you have with your dad? Um, in the future of when I got through all the craziness, um, I remember being at Morehouse and I'm a first generation college student. Um my parents came to my graduation. Mom, dad, and my dad, he was like, You, you know, you're living the life, you know, I wanted to live. And, you know, you're doing the things I wanted to do. I did not know, guys, my dad was a a soul a soul gospel singer. He was in a quartet uh called the Southerns, and they was they were really big in in uh the South. Had no idea my dad was a singer. Wow I thought this was just God given. But it's it's it was in the DNA, and it was so incredible to learn. How old were you when when you found out that he was uh in the band? Oh man, it was after he passed. So it was it was probably about um what three uh the two two two three years ago? And it had like news, they were they were singing, you know, like singing. Incredible story, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I was like, what he was singing? These things are kind of hard to hide. Yeah, you know, I was because I re and I was I remember when your mom passed away because I remember because you were living with China, and I remember the one thing because I because you said your your mom made a green being being casserole, and it reminded you of her. And China really makes she made it with a bad thing. China trying to make it, and it was so bad, but she really tried for you. Shout out to China, but girl, stay away from the green being castle. China has been looking out for me a big time. She she she has the biggest heart in the world. And it was so bad. Well, Andre, you can't you can't get out of this. Where were you? Where were you when you found out your father passed away? Oh, I was at work. I remember you called me. Remember that? Yeah. Um, and it was he he dealt with it differently because you worked yourself and worked yourself and worked yourself. Uh I actually went to work and it was very weird for me because I was like, oh, yeah, my dad died. And um they're like, Do you need a moment? I'm like, no, I'm fine. And I just kept working. Um because then like my dad was a workaholic. And I wonder where you get it from. And it was one of those things where um, you know, we um, you know, we had a very weird relationship because I do remember my dad being there for a lot of stuff, but also my dad didn't come to terms towards the end, he did come to terms about who I am, and it was one of those things where he just really wanted to um wanted me because I do have a younger brother and younger sister. Yeah, he wanted me to be a big one. Beautiful, beautiful younger sister. Shout out to Mariah, you know, I love her, and Alex. And Alex. I haven't met Alex yet. Yeah, well, I know he's special. Yeah, Mariah's brilliant, by the way. His little sister, she has like a she had like a 4.6 GPA. Yeah, she was Val Victorian for Cast Tech. Yeah. Um, so she's at University of Michigan. That's my little sis. Yeah. So I I this is a question too. I'll start with you. Do you feel like when your mother left this earth, do you feel like she knows who you truly were? Do you feel like you had you had a closeness where Andre and I, you know, we we dealt with a lot of um being queer, right? Um there is this certain unspoken thing that most people of color deal with, right? When when their father found that they're queer or other. Were you because you're a straight man, were you true, you feel like your mother fully knew who you were? This is a very interesting question because uh before she passed away, we had a conversation where I had to I knew that she was on her way out um because of the condition of her physical health. Um I felt like the and was uh inevitable, and therefore I had to come clean about certain aspects of of my life. Uh to just fully uh inform her uh what I am about and uh what I've been doing in the United States. And you know, she was very understanding, in fact. She she she helped me to to sort out certain details of uh what I was going through at the time, um some things that I can't speak about. Uh but um it was uh really uh comforting to know that she had my back no matter what. Yeah. I think mostly due because my high moral standards. Um and then so um yeah, because I also um what was w okay what's like uh one of the best memories that you have about your mom? There would probably be uh her cooking borsche cooking borsch. And um she was a very caring mother and uh sometimes to a very overbearing uh extent. Or or as it seems right yeah, but in i in fact it was just a whole lot of love. Um and um it was um incredible to see her be so dedicated to my life because she didn't have a career per se. So I her purpose of life pretty much was to ensure that I grow up to be a responsible individual. Yeah, therefore. What about you, Crazy? What is uh memory about your dad? You know, it's it's so wild. Um there are a few. Um I used to get these random messages from my dad um on Facebook. Like when parents found out Facebook, my dad was sending me. Oh, that's so annoying. Yeah, my dad would be sending me my music. That was a new level because I Yeah, I know it's me. Yeah, yeah, I was like, I never knew it. He's like, oh, this is my this this is my song, this is my shit. I was like, what you and it was on SoundCloud, like not even Apple Music or Spotify, but I was like so um so so encouraged because I thought he had no idea uh what I was doing, had, and had no care what I was doing. But uh to find out he was my biggest fan. And uh when he passed away, and my mom and my younger brother were like, oh he, yeah, he's he's always singing your songs and doing this and doing that. I was like, what? You know, and I had a I had an EP called Mary Jane, I mean uh flowers about drugs, about drugs, guys Danny, Molly, you know, Mary Jane, opioids, and um, you know, uh he he really loved the music. And um he told he told me that uh I had made him proud and that I had done things that he couldn't even fathom up doing, and even just being able to be queer in the world and being black and queer from the south. You said your dad said something interesting. Well, which one? Well, I mean what what what what what the whole thing of just like being queer, just like living your truth. Yeah, because um I guess you know my dad was 70, 73 when he passed, 71, 73, something like that. And um literally from Jim Crow, Jim Crow South. And him and his brothers, they didn't get to be like black, right? They didn't get to be anything, let alone being able to travel the world, let alone being able to be queer, let alone being able to be artists, being being other things, or just being black people in the world that are smiling, that are happy, they're experiencing these things they never thought they could experience. So, you know, shout out to dad and all the other people who couldn't be on this fabulous ass stage talking about their feelings as being of color. You know, like they couldn't do this, especially online. They did not know how to do it. Oh, they can't, they don't. You think we're gonna do that? Yeah, keep it keep calm and push it through. Yeah, you gotta, you know, a prayer away. Go go go, you know, all this other stuff didn't exist. But um, I just want to I want to shout out to our parents and all the people that that couldn't do this for for real. Like, let's do this, right? Truly is a luxury. What am I doing? We're taking the toast to our parents. All right, I still have a little left, so we're good. Well, um, I honestly I have the funniest story about my dad. I remember going to the movie theaters, and like they're like when I was little, we went to go watch the movie Beethoven. Keep in mind, so my dad's from Detroit, so we don't they don't show emotion. Um can I tell you, my dad was bawling in the movie Beethoven, and I looked at him like what about the dog, right? About the fucking dog, and he was crying, and I'm like, what the fuck is happening? And I was like, What the hell? And that was the first time, and I'm like, oh, so he has emotion, yeah. But and look, you and then looking back and my dad did like to cry, and it's so funny because like my dad has a very colorful past, which I can't really talk about. Oh but um it was just it was just weird to see that, and so that's the one thing is like my dad was a big crybaby for emotional events, like and it was so funny because even for my sister's graduation, I'm like, yeah, if my dad was here, he would be bawling like a little girl. I know it's slightly off topic, but um have has a movie ever made you cry? Oh, everything makes me cry now. I I would I um I was watching something, or you know, it wasn't even a movie. It was what I was watching, I saw this guy and his dad walking in front of my building. And I'm just dying. I'm like, oh shit, I couldn't, you know, I want that, you know what I'm saying? So everything now, I'm just like I'm so fucked up. Movies the only thing that makes me cry is movies. Yeah. So what about you? Do you see moments or things? Um ironically, the only time I cried during the movie was um uh when a bunch of records uh got drowned in the ocean. Not record music. Exactly. Yeah, and the dude was desperately trying to you know save them and stuff. But so my next question to you both okay, can we speak about our support systems? Because um when when people pass over or become our guardian angels or ancestors, we we don't get through, we don't get forward without the people we have around us to help us through things. Can we speak about the people um in your life that have helped you through? And um can you just give them a little love and let them know that you appreciate them? Absolutely. Um I want to shout out to my friend Nick who uh gave me uh very valuable advice uh that it's not necessarily um what happens to us that makes us feel pain, but it's how we portray ourselves to the world when pain happens to us. Um and that just made me realize that if I um go forward with a positive outlook on life and and not focus too much on the past, but more on the present, um then uh it it gets much easier, way faster. Shout out to Nick. Shout out to Nirvana too. What about you, Quay? Oh, he's not done. Oh, I'm sorry, I did not mean to cut you off. Yeah, I don't want to mention my girlfriend Nirvana. Of course. Um she's been there for me um because Nirvana gave me the most valuable advice ever, which was to reach out, uh not to reach out, but r to write down um the last words to my mom. And uh that's when the when the final process of releasing happened, um that process made made me cry and realize that um that was just once in a lifetime opportunity because if I had written those words uh a year later, it wouldn't have the same impact. No, no, no, no, no. So shout out to Nirvana for probably sorry. Um, Andre. Wait, what's up? What was the question? Oh man. Um your support system, you know, people that have yellow, you know. I don't know how no, I'm joking. No, well, you know, you first of all, you I like why are you sitting up here and acting like you're not my support system? I mean, I like he's this is like the one time he wants to be fucking humble and modest. Come on now, girl. You know, let's keep it real. No, he knows like because I I will be can I I will call him and he will just be like Andre. Cause you know, I I I think it's just one of those things where I'm always having to be the strong person. Right. So I don't like I usually people don't think of me of having emotions or they think of me being just like stoic. But the problem is I keep it all bottled in. Yeah. And I just process it differently. And You are one of the people that are always be like, Hey Andre, are you good? Yeah, it's okay, you know. Um, you know, and I do, and like you know, I do have other friends in my life. Uh, but I will say that you and also our associate producer, Lexi. Oh, yeah, she's a good one. That fucking crazy heifer. I love how they uh I love how they refer to um our best friends as the chosen family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The family you choose. Um I think yeah, you know, it's it's easy to be there for you. I mean, you're very hard-headed and uh not hardheaded stubborn, but not stubborn. I think one one thing that Andre can't ignore is truth when something makes sense, when it when it when you know when it when it's logical. So that's that's my approach when whenever speaking to you about you know issues where I have to like you know penetrate through the stubbornness. But make it make sense. Yeah, yeah. And I think I have received the best advice um by a stranger. I remember going out the same night or night after you took me out to the club. I don't know who this person was, um, but it was this uh this white British guy, and um he he told me that grief is love not expressed and that that sat with me. Um and because I realized I had so much love and so many things that I never said, I never did, I never told him, and I I I sit with that love, I s and um I'm on I'm able to understand the grief because I know how much love is in me and I I spent the majority of my life not knowing my dad, only to realize that I didn't have to know him because I was a part of it. And um now as I get older and I look in the mirror, I'm like, damn, I look like this man. You know, which is crazy. Because I, you know, I wanted so far nothing to do with him based off of what I had been told about it. Yeah. Only to get to the end of his life and realize that we had more in common than I ever knew. Yeah. So this is so profound, you know? You know, okay, so I'm gonna change it. Okay, so you know, that and it sucks because you know, we are always thinking about mortality. So it's just like, what do you want when you pass? What do you want people like to believe? Because this is what I say. First of all, if I'm dead, I don't want to be buried, just burn my body up. I'm sorry. Like, uh like my body is not gonna like don't put me in the ground. I want my ashes. I just like why just burn like burn my ashes, and then literally, I'm gonna have whoever is like the beneficiary, you get a good plane travel ticket and just travel and just have my ashes throughout the world. But I'm just saying, like, I don't want to fucking be buried underground. Okay, and also I don't want her funeral. Okay, I want it to be a very like I know it's like everybody's like, I want it to be a festival. I really do want it to be that way. Okay, and also, you know what? I'm gonna take a book from Shannon like Doherty's book. I'm gonna be petty. I don't want motherfuckers who I did not fuck with to go to my fucking funeral. No, my memorial, you're not going. If I didn't fuck with you in real life, like literally, and I want that person be like Andre, and I'm gonna I'm gonna have a list to on my deathbed. I'm writing a list. This person better not come afoot. And I want security, and I want the person to call security, and you have to say like that security. Okay, so so we got that part, but what do you want people to what legacy do you want to leave? I just want them to know that I try to do a difference. Like, you know, I at least wanted to say, you know what? I I don't want to say I spoke up for the little guy, but I just want to be like, I at least if I can know that I made a little change in this world, even with this our podcast, like as long because you like I said, we're coming into certain certain times, and I feel like if we can make a little change with this, I'm all for it. Do you think your father would be proud of what you've done? You know what? The funny thing is, I know yes, because that's something that things people told me. Because the one thing when everything happened, they're always like the one thing that he being as stubborn, he's like, he was always proud of you. Okay, he never told you. We're just su and like you know what? Like, come on now. We we gotta we gotta tell our like you gotta tell your kids that you're proud of them. Yeah, don't let it be them hearing it from other people, they have to hear it from you. Okay, you create the same questions. What what do you want what your legacy to be, and you think your mom is proud of you for what you've what you're doing now? Um this has been my north pole because I felt like my mom hasn't got to experience the full extent of my creative possibilities and and my expression of life and the relationships in this life. So um this is something that I'm on uh I I'm trying to manifest post mortem. Um but as far as the legacy goes, um I think that the most important uh legacy uh for me personally would be to um just leave a good body of work and um be a respectable individual. What about you, Quay? Um honestly I just want to get I want to leave this earth empty. Um I have so much in in inside of my head, um, whether it be music or creative things, and um I just wanna be empty. I I I was once told uh as a kid by my grandmother that the richest place in the world is a cemetery. And that's where dreams go to die. That's where people with all these ideas, all these things they want to do, they never get to do. And so no shoulda wulda cudda. No shoulda coulda wulda. And look, uh I I don't need permission to be who the fuck I am. I'm gonna try and try and try and try and try. And uh, you know, that's just that's built into me and all the people around me, I want that to be contagious because we are enough. Um and I just I hope that my legacy is, you know, this guy never box himself in and that he inspired everyone just to be, just to do, and never give up on themselves. You know, um I I have nothing else that is more important than positioning myself in a position of other people to be the best version of themselves. What would be your message to the upcoming generations? That you that they are enough today, not five months from now, not five years from now, not fifty years from now, you're enough right now. And I my favorite book is The Alchemist, you know, because it's about this this person that goes literally around the world to get to the end of the world to figure out who they are when they all they needed was already inside of them. I my message is to stop looking outward to find who you are and just start trusting inward and and trusting what you already have. What about you? Agreed to stay positive and healthy. Oh, health is wealth. I think yeah, it says the tone uh for our behavior and our expressions and also if there was another advice that would probably be to train the left and right hemispheres of your brain equally. Oh, that's that's dope. I think dance helps a lot with engaging your extremities in the very balance. I dabble. I dabble. Andre, what about you? What's your message to the younger generation? Um, not to be bitches. No, I'm shooking. Uh you know, honestly, no, I wasn't joking, but I am no, I'm not. No, but um also just self-awareness. And I think that's the one thing that is lacking is like you have to be self-aware. It's okay if you don't hit the mark. And I feel like people, when they're wrong, they're so to be strong and wrong and double down on it. It's okay. It's okay to be like, hey, I fucked up in a situation. And you know, apologize from it, and like you know what, it's probably gonna happen again, but as long as you acknowledge it and try to be very mindful, then I think it's like we're too prideful. Yeah, it's it's not that bad to say I'm sorry. Yeah. I mean, you know, Justin Bieber says it, I'm sorry. Yeah, so we can do too. Everybody listens to the beep, so like, you know, we gotta listen to beep, so we should say I'm sorry. Not the beeps. Um I have I have one final question for you all. What would you tell someone who's currently grieving and that's watching this? Well, um, what advice uh would you give them that you you didn't know but now you do know? Or maybe you don't have any advice. Maybe you can give them an objective or you know, something to reach to. Um what what do you have to say? Um it's a bit biased advice. In my case, um uh my main mechanism of coping with the pain was to play music. Uh music has been the primary healer for my traumas, yeah. Um, be it in my family or otherwise. Um yeah. And if I could uh have you one more time, can you tell everyone that's watching and listening where to find your music, where to hear your music? How do they reach you? How do they connect with you? Uh in order to find me, all you have to do is type in UK R A Y in the search engine of your favorite streaming platforms, and I should pop up. Do you have any projects coming out that everyone should be listening to? I had just I have just released a single on April 1st. I just wanted to be released on April Foot April's Fool's Day. Uh it's called Expensive Tastes. Expensive Taste. Yeah, we like that. We know about that. Absolutely. Yeah, the song is about how um expensive taste or uh our desire to have luxurious things in our life often drive us to do illegal things and such. Um talk about I've I've noticed that pattern, you know. Um so that's what the song is about, but it's represented in a more playful and uh lighthearted way. Okay. Thank you for that. Hand your time. What up? What what what um message or advice would you give someone who's dealing in coping with grief right now? You know what? It's about you have to deal with it on your own terms. Um don't let people dictate how you want to feel. Um and I think that's something I told you because I'm like, and I told you it's gonna come in waves. Like one minute you're five, the next minute you want to fucking burn a fucking restaurant down, yeah, yeah. Throw bottles and torch the motherfucker, and another day you want to go pet a kitten. It's okay, that's fine. But it's just about all you have to do is remember your you just have to remember the good things, and then sometimes that's like the best thing you need to do. But it has to be on your terms, and just don't let somebody tell you to get over it. Yeah, but also don't I'm sorry, but just don't milk it either. I'm sorry. I'm gonna say that too. I'm a bitch. If I'm gonna be a bitch, I'm gonna be a fucking bitch. You know say don't milk it. Don't don't milk it. What do you mean by that? You know, I'm just there's there are certain people, and like you know who you are, and if I have to say that, and if I get to I don't fucking care. Because you can't don't let it define you, is what I mean. Okay. This the the one thing is you should not let it define you. And I feel like you should, if you really want to move forward, if you really want help, reach out for help, but don't use it as a way to mascot or what is it, disguise shitty behavior because some people be doing that. Yeah, don't be like, oh, my dad died, and let me be a fucking asshole. No, don't do that, deal with your grief responsibility. Deal with the problem, yeah, but don't use that as an excuse. You got anything to add? And if I say that, I don't care, I don't give a fuck. That look ahead and you hear me. No, that was well said, actually. I have nothing to add to that point. Uh time takes time. Time takes time. I thought that I could just rush through this thing. I could rush through this process. Look, I am a very avoidant person when it comes to dealing with shit that's just gonna make me feel like I'm not in control. I love being in control. And uh this is one of those things where I couldn't be in control, and I hated it. You know, I did all these things to kind of like force myself to deal with it, you know. Even even wilding out, you know, even doing shit I don't even do. And I was still kind of like, yeah, I mean, you know, I'm you know, I'm alive. Um, life is worth a living. But I I just realized that I just needed to sit down and deal with myself, and I I needed to um I couldn't even make music. I thought I could make music. I couldn't even write, I couldn't sing, I I couldn't go to my usual um things. And I'm just here to tell you, if that is you, that is okay. Try something new. You know what I'm saying? Like be fucking whatever you need to be to deal with what you gotta deal with. And don't take it out on the people that love you. I never answered a portion of the friend group or the support group that have been there for me. You've been there for me. When my father passed, you were there for me. Um I I have so many people in my life that I'm fortunate enough that are not around me for things. Um we have real relationships. So thank you guys, and thank you to my mom. I know that we now have you know the best start to this life thing, but I love you dearly. You are my North Star. And um thank you for holding me down. Uh I'm I'm really excited that I get to meet my dad through my mom now, guys. So um I'm gonna get a little emotional, but I love you, mom. And uh thank you guys, thank you guys for having this conversation. Oh my god. It's okay. See, this is why yeah, no, I know. Like I said, we we know this is gonna happen. And like I said, I appreciate this. You cray, we're gonna hear you next. We're gonna then you know I think enough well said. Um enough was how do you how do you how did you write uh you know the song that you're about to sing? What was inspiration? Um my inspiration was um my favorite person out there because the name of the song is uh Dance for Me Baddie, uh, so it naturally implies that it's about my girl. Yeah, love her. I wrote it for my girl Nirvana, uh, who I love so much, and she's been there for me through the most painful times in my upbringing as a US citizen, yeah, and such. Um, but the song is about the expression of love, obviously. And um Yeah, Dance For Me Baddy, um, soon to be released, but as of right now, it's just a big concept. A mouthful exclusive guys, so just stay tuned. Unrelease. And um thank you for being here. And uh, if you guys are dealing with grief or if you're dealing with anything where you need assistance, please, please, please reach out to the resources. We will have a number posted at the bottom of the screen that you can call if you need help. And also just call a close friend. Yeah, yeah. Or if you need to speak to someone, DM us if you can't get a hold of someone. But we are here for you all. We are all dealing with this together, and um, we love you much love. Up next, you create dance for me baddie. Thank you. Yo, I'm so excited um to wrap a bow on this and what we've discussed. I have a friend of mine who's a personal friend who's also the music producer of the show. His name is Ukraine, originally from Ukraine. Um, when you hear certain musicians' music, you know that they understand music theory. You know that they have a lot of pain, and you know that they turn that pain into perfect. Um, I'm just so excited and just grateful that I ran into you that day I ran into you. And now we have so much history together. Please, please, please give him your undivided attention. This is you, Cray, but then spell me, Batty, on the mouthful.