The Failure Daughter

What if the label “failure” isn’t the truth—but just the weight you’ve been carrying?

In this episode, we unpack the identity of The Failure Daughter—the pressure, the perfectionism, the shame cycles, and the quiet battles that make you feel like you’re always falling short. But what if failure isn’t who you are… just something you experienced?

I’m joined by my dear friend Dr. B, psych doctoral candidate, as we break down the psychology behind failure, self-worth, and the internal narratives that keep so many daughters stuck.

This one is for the overthinker, the perfectionist, the one who’s tired of replaying mistakes in her mind.

You’re not alone—and you’re not your worst moment.

🎧 Listen, reflect, and share with a daughter who needs this.

💌 QTNA submissions: valeriedantussoc@gmail.com

📍 From the pulpit to the pole—real conversations, real healing.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

This is for the girl, golden girl got shot. Get up with your crown and smile. This is for the girls all over the world. Let me let me let me let me hear you. And don't forget it, either. Hello everybody. Welcome back to All That Is Considered. This is episode six, and I'm your host, Valerie Dantis. I'm so glad that you're here with us. If you're returning, if this is your first time, welcome. Thank you to everybody who has subscribed mobile via Apple, via Spotify, Amazon, wherever you listen from. Um, we have people from all over the world: Brazil, Japan, Iraq, Indonesia, obviously, the United States of America, so many places are a part of the movement. So, you know, go ahead and join us wherever you're from. Send it to a friend, a neighbor. You never know what that person needs, what they need to hear. Um, and I'm so glad that you know we're all able to get on this journey together. All right, so I get to do this episode with somebody who is extremely special to me, okay. So this person she wears a lot of hats. So, you know, I could run down the list, okay? She's a doctor, all right. She's an entrepreneur, she's a mother, she's a lot of things, okay. Um, she's my friend, okay. I like to call her Dr. B. What do you want the people to call you?

SPEAKER_01 1:42

I don't think it matters. I don't think they would um it doesn't matter. Miss B. That's my favorite one. Miss B. Yeah, that's my most recent one, but it doesn't matter. How are you doing today? I'm doing great. I'm so excited to have you.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

I am so excited to be here. So I um I really am excited about today's episode because um I okay, so for people who don't know, there's a lot of history here, alright? So I know her in real life, okay? And for me, this is somebody I know that has witnessed my highs and lows in my life, and so the concept, the idea of failure, or understanding my relationship with failure, or even the grace, if I can use that word in failure, is something that I I know that she has gone through life with me, um, and has offered me so much insight um to pull from in my own life. So I don't know what you think about the topic, the idea before we get into it.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Um this is really a great um one that so often we don't talk about either because we are afraid or being ashamed or thinking of what other people are going to say or think about us. So we often put the hat or the face that you know life is great, we are full of success. There's no down, we're always up, right? Especially as women. So once we put our makeup on, we feel like you know what, nothing can stop us. So there is no failure, it's all success. Yeah, and that's a lie.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Yeah. So and I I guess also our culture, like, well, especially in the time that we're in right now, like with social media or even I think before social media, people still had their versions of like filters and how they would tell their story to mask failure. But I feel like it's so much easier to do it now. Um, because I only have to show you my ups, I only have to show you my highlights. Yes. And you know, that kind of fractures our relationship with the ability to I truly believe that there it there is a you do need a grace to go through failures because it's not an easy thing um to do. But before we get too deep into the conversation, you already know what time it is. Okay, grab yourself something to drink, get comfortable because it's time for QTNA.

SPEAKER_04 4:44

We got some questions.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

QTNA, if you're unfamiliar with QTNA, is where people send me scenarios or questions, and we do our best to answer them um to the best of our ability. Okay, like we say, we don't know though. Just in case whatever we tell you don't go the way you thought it was gonna go. We don't know. We we're gonna do our best. Okay, so today's scenario is an extremely um interesting one to me. Um, so here it goes. Dear Valerie, I've been praying, fasting, trying to heal, and trying to grow. I asked God for a good man and he sent one. Y'all always want to talk about boys. Okay. Um this man is everything I wanted. He's consistent, he's kind, he leads, he prays over me, he brings peace. But if I'm really telling the truth, something feels missing. There's no fire, there's no tension, no spark that makes my heart race. I feel safe, I feel seen, but I don't feel pulled. And then the one I had to pray myself out of came back. The one that had me in my feelings, questioning everything, crying, praying at the same time. The one I know wasn't solid. Um, but okay, the one I know isn't as solid, but the chemistry is undeniable, it's intense and it's familiar in a way that's hard to ignore. Now I'm stuck. Do I choose the man who feels like peace or the one who feels like passion? Do I trust what's steady or what awakens something in me? I don't want to self-sabotage, but I also don't want to settle. So am I supposed to grow into a spark or walk away from something too good because it doesn't feel the way I thought it would.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Yeah, you can all right. Um coming from really, you know, a psychic background, I will say that someone that needs to be alone, not with the fire, not with the boring by herself until she can really process both um situations, understand both men. Because if there is no spark, there's a reason. There is no fire, there is a reason. He's boring, there is a reason. You cannot unboard somebody, you cannot create what's not there. Chemistry is chemistry, you can't make that up. It's either there or not, right? But here's a but if now she's still stuck with what feels like passion and fire and everything else, that's going to stop her from feeling anything else for someone else. Now, is the passion healthy? Is it safe? Is it what she needs to be in? If not, she just needs to move back from both.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

I feel like she kind of said it in the thing though. She said she know Paddy, she said she knows that he's not as solid, but like she feels passionate with him, which to me feels like it might be the history is being passionate with him, is a trauma response.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

That too. So she's probably feeling that because she's um she's used to it, she's feels safe with it, and it's the be again, it's probably there's a lot going on. That's why I say it's safe, safer for her to just remove herself from both men, just be by herself for a moment.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

I mean, if you know for a fact the other guy is somebody that God sent, and you just don't have the capacity to receive him, I feel like then that's something you need to be introspective about and leave him alone because that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 8:55

But when we say God sent, again, we are putting God in the middle of something that's not clear. God does not bring confusion, she's confused. So, where is God in here? Because if God were to send the other men, that would come with clarity and peace. And that's not there. So, how do we know God's in here?

SPEAKER_02 9:14

I guess she's she wants to know if her lack of clarity is because she's clouded by the other two.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

That's why she shouldn't be single for a moment. Women need to be okay with that. When you leave a relationship, don't get into another relationship until you feel like you find yourself again. Don't even fast for a man. Um full will, don't even, since we're on this topic, don't even fast for a man, don't pray for a man, don't cry for a man. I think we need to find healing. Because in that relationship that she left for the other relationship, she was broken. Find time to heal, find time for yourself, be yourself again, make some money for God's sake. Find stability in yourself, with yourself, for yourself. Then at that point, if a guy comes along, then you'll have clarity enough because at that point you already heal and move on. But we don't find healing anymore, we just find another dude.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

I I feel like I think you're right about that, especially you know, especially if you're in if you're not careful when you pray about when you're praying about on the next person, if you're not careful and if you haven't done the due diligence of introspection or allowing God, like the Bible talks about introspection in Psalms, David said, Search me, O Lord, like search my innermost being and and and you know, to know me. I need to to in order for me to know me, I need you to be the one to find because you're gonna see the things that I can't see. If we don't do that, we'll our prayers for a spouse or for even opportunities. Like if you leave a situation, a friendship, a job, um, an environment, yes, when you pray for the next one, your prayers are going to be shaped around the failure of your last thing. So, like when you pray for a man, you're gonna pray for him to have all the opposite qualities of the man you just left because you're mad at the other man.

SPEAKER_01 11:37

And unfortunately, just to add, the devil also knows what your heart is looking for. Yeah, and he's okay with checking all those boxes and sending you the next guy that's going to kill you. Right. And that guy, you know, everything that you're looking for. All the boxes are checked, then you feel like, oh, this must be God's sin. But yet you're not at peace around that person.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

Then and I I don't know, I feel like God I mean, this it might be a bit general, but I do feel like a lot of women, God has given just this like six sense to feel when something isn't right. But oftentimes, whether it be from trauma or from just your own hurt or lack of a lot of us have been taught to not trust that inner voice, even though it don't be wrong a lot of the times, sometimes you can be with a great guy, like the guy that everybody wants, or that everybody feels like this is the great, this is the greatest thing that could have ever happened to you, and something in you will tell you, no, this ain't it.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

And I will always say, trust that little voice, because that's what God gave us as women, because God didn't give it for, because we are being hunted. Men out there, they are hunters, and they know that. And your only safe thing sometimes before you even pray, that little voice will tell you, yeah, that's not him. He ain't it. But sometimes the physical appearance is everything you prayed for, yeah. Everything you ever wanted in a man. And we have men out there that know exactly what you are looking for. Because they'll search your Facebook page, they'll search your Instagram page, they'll know what you're about, and they'll bring you exactly what they know you're about. And that's temporary because they just want to get you in that cage, then that's when you're really gonna find out well, I don't got time for that baby. That was just for me to get you in the door. But now I'll say again, pray about it and give yourself time. Don't be in a hurry to pick any of them. So and if y'all don't know, women can also be trapped.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

All the time. The way that you know, our, you know, the opposite sex likes to discuss how men are trapped. Women can also be trapped.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

We don't even drop them for. Yeah, that's another topic for another day. Sometimes they are the one, but again, they trap themselves, they want to be dropped somewhere.

SPEAKER_02 14:23

I think that um I agree with you. I do think that she should step away from both because uh, in the event that I can't, I don't know any of the men involved, but if they are of genuine intention, it's not fair for you to be playing in the middle and then play with people's feelings. Uh, in general, I don't like the idea of people playing with people's feelings, it happens all the time, but I don't think you should do that. Okay, um, I would take a step back, figure out exactly what it is you are because it doesn't sound like you know if you know all of the good qualities that this person possesses. But here's the other thing, though. Qualities don't make you like somebody, unfortunately not, and it is unfortunate sometimes, unfortunately, but qualities, good qualities, don't make you like a person, and it doesn't matter how much you you convince yourself, it it's not gonna make you love this person or like this person or whatever. You might enjoy the benefits of this person or or learn to love this person because of what they're able to offer you, but I don't think it's the same thing as like just a general genuine, like a chemistry. So I guess you need to figure that part out because I think that's another churchy thing that maybe we might get in trouble for talking about, but why I think it's really important to clarify that God won't send you a man you don't like.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

And um we stop doing that. Remember, I just asked that question. Is that an if only if I recently say that and it was you know backfire with the person that I was having the conversation with um fast enough because I don't think God cares whether you're married or not, because that's not a quality you need to make it to heaven, right? You you getting married is something that you know if that's what you want, that's a desire of your heart, you can always bring that to God, and as you know, as his daughter, he will make sure that happened and provide you with a husband because you desire a husband, yeah. But is it a requirement to go to heaven? No, is it a requirement to serve God? No, we make it so because we feel that it's you know um it keeps you out of it, anyways. Let's let's get back and let you know we kind of make it feels like you know a woman must have a husband in order for her to lead in certain capacity, and that's just pretty much a Haitian community, but you don't need a husband to do certain things, you really don't. You don't need a husband to be whole and be complete, you can be complete by yourself, you can be whole by the people.

SPEAKER_02 17:16

And if we're Christians, our wholeness is not supposed to come from the world.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

It's up in the Bible from God. Then God sending you a husband. Let's say if you're in prayer for a husband, you are praying God to send you a husband. When God sends that man to you, there'll be peace with that man. Peace will come with that man, and that will be someone that when you see that person, that fire will be there, the chemistry will be there because God sent that man to you. God will not send you confusion. If you are confused about the man, the devil send him, not God. Because God will send you clarity enough for you to know, hey, this is him. You might feel like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that's not what we pray about. And he's gonna be like, mm-hmm, that's him, and that's where you're going to find that peace. Because God will make sure he confirms and we confirm and we confirm this is the man, and that's when you're going to find that peace, and within you, that chemistry will pop by itself. You won't have to make it up. Yeah. Because God sent him, and God is not a God of confusion, God is a God of peace. So if God sent that dude and she's still confused about it, I'll say get back into prayer.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

To be honest, because I'm I mean, I feel like that's such a dangerous, extremely dangerous rhetoric to teach women. There are a lot of dangerous dogma being taught in within the four walls of the church. But one that I think is extremely dangerous is that not for superficial reasons, because I think the first place everybody goes is superficial. Oh, well, just because it doesn't look like how you want him to look or doesn't have the job or the money that you no, that's all I'm talking about. But if you've already told me that this man can see me and desire me, he wanted me. But I, the woman, if I don't desire him back and he fits the bill of what is considered a good man, um, and and he can tell me that he is somebody that God sent for me, then I should not refuse.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Do you know how many women is in a marriage? Because someone somewhere told them that that person is their spouse. So many.

SPEAKER_02 19:34

Now, if that if that was something you were praying about, or if that's something that you you desired, and God confirmed that for you, that's different. But there are a lot of people who are in marriages with men who desired them fully. Yes, maybe they felt like that was something that God wanted for them, but they fully desire them, they are completely sexually, emotionally, whatever, attracted to this person. They got what they wanted, but the woman did not. Well, but she's manipulated into thinking that she's not allowed to have that desire for her husband back.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Because everybody thought that was a good man. But what is a good man to you? Because a good man to me might not be a good man to you, right? And you should have the chance or the choice for you to define a good man to yourself, because a good man to me is not a good man to you, right? What I find to be good and great about a guy might not be what you find good and great about a guy.

SPEAKER_03 20:33

Right.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

So I um believe, again, with everything that is going on, this is now the time for us to unlearn certain behaviors and reteach them the proper way. Because what we taught from the previous um people, and I appreciate them, I salute them, they you know, survive things that I don't think I will, you know, imagine me going to. So I don't have anything bad to say about the old school, I don't have anything bad to say about the women before me. Because when I look at it, I'm like, yeah, why you differently? Because there's no way different. No way. But again, one thing I can tell you too, they all stay alive. They might have a lot of babies, you know, their husband might have like four, five, six different families out there, but they were not getting killed. You want to know why? They were not smart enough for them to either find out, file for a divorce, challenge that man, want to leave the house. They they didn't have that ability, so they stay back and suffered. So, guess who stay alive? Them. Guess who's getting killed? The people that want to leave.

SPEAKER_02 21:45

And I feel like a lot uh because a lot of what we're seeing right now is like the colliding of two different um teaching teachings, um, and also like the times, like it. We're taught we're being people are being taught something that's old in a in a time where that no longer applies.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

Correct.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

So you can't manipulate or force somebody to want to be in a relationship with you. You actually have to present qualities that that person wants to marry. And if and if and when those qualities are no longer honored, depending on that person, they now have the choice whether they take it or not, that's their business. But they now have the choice to leave the situation that is no longer serving them. And that is directly in opposition with what it's originally taught, which is, well, yeah, this sucks, but you can't go anywhere. And I mean, at some point, I feel like there should be some sort of wake-up call.

SPEAKER_01 22:48

Um, because people can't, we can't keep shooting. I pray um that you know that's soon enough. Because unfortunately, um, from the generation that we in right now, the one coming after us is even worse. Because that generation, truly, really, if you sit and have a conversation with them, they don't even care to get married. They don't even care to have children. They don't they don't they don't care about it, they don't bother by it. Why? They already see it's no benefit to them, really, in return. Because what we picture that to be, we know that it's been a lie. Yeah. And yet everybody's sleeping. Because we feel like, well, if my mom dealt with it, my grandmother, my great-great-great-great-grandmother was okay with it, then why not you? That's because you're not a good woman. That's because you're not a good wife, that's because you're not a good this, a good that. Because what they taught those young men a good woman was, it's not even a woman.

SPEAKER_03 23:51

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

When I listen to them, I'm like, you just describe a slave to me. That's not a woman. That's not what a woman's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

I mean, there were a lot of women that played those positions.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Unfortunately. Very unfortunate. And now when you say you don't want to play that, guess what? Something wrong with you. You gotta go. Well, baby, you gotta go. So and um it is sad, and I am looking at it, I'm reading about it, I'm researching about it. Um, and I feel like as uh the church, as a woman in the church, I feel like we have a lot, a lot, a lot to do, yeah, a lot to say.

SPEAKER_02 24:37

It's not I feel like it's not just our job. I think for this to change, we have to partner with the men. And honestly, a huge portion of that responsibility is in the ball is in their court. The accountability, which we talked about in the first episode, there's a there's a level of accountability for women that there simply is not for men, and we can we can view that across the board, even cross-culturally. Yes, and so the problem with that is we can see that in everyday teachings about womanhood, about um women's conferences, women's materials. Um, yes, being a wife and a mother are a part of many women's journeys, and a lot of women aspire to that. But we read in the Bible that Paul says not everybody's called to marry, not everybody's called to be a mother.

SPEAKER_01 25:38

Now a woman, it it's it's it's in the Bible. It's as if like the moment you born a girl, then you are supposed to be somebody's wife and somebody's mom, and you don't have a choice. You can't say no to that.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

It's a calling, and so that's why there is a whole population of women who don't feel called to that, who who are not being served. There are there while there are men who I do feel like that's an underserved portion of teaching, anyways, might find more um guidance than a woman. Because if you find yourself to be a woman who doesn't desire marriage or children, but want to walk in the way of the Lord, where is your there is no material for you. If you go to a conference as for women, a huge portion of it is going to be womanhood in relation to a man. Yes. Like womanhood and how we relate to a man, whether it be as a single person, as a as a mother, or as a wife, um, but nothing uh around your personal, not nothing, but very little around your personal growth as a Christian or as an individual. Um and when we flip on the flip side, there isn't very much presented to men, and that is for a lot of reasons. I think a lot of men don't show up to certain things because of, you know, that's never been a something that was required of them before. So that's something that a lot of people who do feel called to men's ministry are working against. But also the lack of accountability to me is astounding because in these last past tragedies that have happened in our community, I've gone online and seen some of the most disgusting comments come from men. Um, and mind you, these are probably these are definitely men with mothers. Everybody has a mom. These are definitely men that have that some of them have sisters, some of them have daughters. And I've seen some of these men say some of the most vile and disgusting things. And in their bios, here are their pictures with their families on their way to church. Where are the men in their communities that are holding them accountable for even saying these things? How do you fix your mouth to say that you are a child of God? And if we believe what the Bible says about what the role of a husband or the role of a man is in the community as a leader, how do you fix your mouth as a leader within your community and speak ill while you have the same type of people to protect? We didn't even know anything about what was going on in these people's personal life. I seen somebody say, I don't know if I'm gonna leave this in a video. I seen somebody say, So you're trying to tell me right now that because this man didn't get CD source for Legging on a regular basis, then that it angered him so much that he that he had every right. I've seen another person in this last thing with the Fairfax, I don't know if you've seen the um that she was putting a lot of pressure on him on top of the social pressure that he was getting from these sexual assault allegations, yeah. And that kind of drove him into alcoholism. And I'm like, I'm not gonna touch any of that because I I'm not privy to the full extent of the context of that. But um, if she is a mother and and she's his wife and has offered ample amount of time to work with this person, and they've proven in many ways that have been stated publicly that they did not want to um participate in whatever reconciliation she had, and she decides to move on. That warrants her death.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

Why would you okay? The the question for every man that is looking at you right now, why would you move on? Marriage is for better or for worse, and this is the worst. Why would she move on when the guy, you know, is at his lowest point in his life?

SPEAKER_02 29:55

I think I'm not married, so I'm sure many people have a lot to say about that. Um, but from what I can observe, the concept of for better or for worse is situational, like us against the world. Uh-huh better or for better or worse as it pertains to the way that life moves, as the life evolves. And I do at my best and at my worst, maybe indifferent, but I don't, I'm nobody's talking about um physical or emotional.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

We need to make that a little bit more detailing in the upcoming years in the vows. We need to make sure we describe worse. Because I don't think people understand that. Your words mean that we are going through financial situation, we are going through a sickness together, we are going through the loss of your parents or my parents together, we are going through miscarriages, not being able to have a child. We are going through these things together, but your words doesn't mean that you are cheating on me. Your words doesn't mean that you're beating me up, your words doesn't mean that you're cursing and yelling and screaming, emotionally abusing me left and right. That's not the word. But again, we never have a definition. We just say for better or for worse. And then as women, we go, I do. I do to what? We don't know. So I think we should come up with a thing that asks the men to really, you know, have the definition for your words. What is your worst that you want me there for? Just like that term that usually posts on social media. This is my ride or die. I am riding, I am. That's one thing I know.

SPEAKER_02 31:34

One thing for sure is that Jesus came so that I might have life. Exactly. No, I don't die, show me because I don't know what my spirit said.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

Why are we dying? Yeah. So why are we gonna die? The moment you say I'm your ri um we can ride when we done what I mean.

SPEAKER_02 32:00

No, we can pause, ride and pause. Let's take a break. Maybe we could get off the bike, maybe we could walk.

SPEAKER_01 32:07

No, why we gotta die? Wait, that's that's my right. No. Uh-uh. So again, all jokes aside, we I don't believe that we understand the for better or for worse. And that's when they say, oh no, she was there when there was money, she was there. That's the better because they usually go after what that you know what happened that was good in the marriage. I'm not leaving a man just because you know things are bad. I'm not leaving a man because we are financially unstable, we are going through life situation. I'm not, but if we go into life choices, I am. I mean, I feel like it depends on why we broke. If we that's what I say, life choices. Because if you are spending the money, making the choice, choices for you to spend the money, and that's why we broke, then okay. That's why I say life choices. We ain't doing life choices, baby. If the choices aren't good for me, then good for me.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

And then why is that always a point to bring up that the woman was there when there was money? Who told you that she didn't contribute to that money?

SPEAKER_01 33:10

I don't believe, even if we bring it into like even closer to home and families, when they look at money, they always look at the money one-sided. You know, it's a one-side thing. Like, you know, that's my son's house, that's my son's money, that's my son's car, that's my son, that's my son, that's my son. You know, I watch a lot of African TV. So, you know, the women can work like nine to five, seven days a week, you know, contribute money. Sometimes she owns everything, but when the mother-in-law shows up, what do you see happen? That's my son, that's my son, that's my son. Because that's what society makes it seems like. To have money, you must be a man. Bam.

SPEAKER_02 33:53

Well, that's what we got for you today for QTNA. Hopefully, we answered your question. If we did it, we don't know. We don't okay. Um, if you have a scenario, a question, something you would like us to talk about on QTNA, um, send it to the email that's listed on the screen, or DM it to me on Instagram. I would love to hear what you guys think about today's topic. Comment below, share with a friend, let us know what you think. All right, let's get into our topic.

SPEAKER_06 34:27

Hot seat. I'm in the hot seat. Hot seat, welcome to the hot seat. Hot seat, this is the hot seat.

SPEAKER_02 34:34

Hot seat, welcome to the hot seat. So today we're talking about the failure daughter. Um, and I think that means something different to all different people. Um, because we don't all measure failure in the same way, but I think that that's something that most people can understand. It's a feeling that most people can understand in one way or another, depending on what family you're born in. Sometimes the position you're born in, first, second or third, that can mean something different. Um, your race, culture, that can mean something different. Um, but I think it's overall an extremely uncomfortable conversation because of how much we all can relate to it. Um and the way that it stinks, um, in a way that we can't fully put into words. Um, but I thought it was important to discuss because even though it is an uncomfortable situation, it is such an important part of development and growth in ways that we often overlook. I think we love to speed past the failures straight to highlights, and we don't always realize that it's because of those failures that we even have the highlights um that we have in life. Um so I wanna ask, uh, let's start by asking um what is one of the earliest moments where you've um where you kind of met a failure, where you identified failure as failure.

SPEAKER_01 36:21

Um I'm a firstborn um daughter, so I didn't have that as an option. Right. So failure to me or for me wasn't permitted or allowed. Um expectations um that was set for me by my family, not just my parents, my family entirely was a lot. Um I'm a firstborn, I'm a daughter, so um I will say my first first first one, which again I use through my entire life was when I got pregnant. Um got pregnant last few months of high school. Um, I believe that was my first one. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:10

So how did that obviously I'm sure that marked you in in in more ways than one because you have a physical representation of that that reminds you of that moment of your life.

SPEAKER_05 37:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:25

But what was one of the first ways you feel like it impacted you?

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Um I um will say pretty much the dreams of my parents for me, not my own dreams, by the way. Um at that point, it was like there was a pause in my life, a limit that you know I didn't talk about or I didn't understand much, but there was a limit um for me. Like as far as everybody got to leave high school and straight to college, or leave high school had all the details on what they wanted to do with life, and at that point I had to figure it out what to do with my child because um I crossed the stage with um my um my son as a baby, so that was really what I can do that into.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

Well, um, when it comes to like that label, because that's um what many of us if you fail your ass. Um a label sometimes it it feels permanent. Was that something that you felt like you placed on yourself, or do you feel like it was something that your family placed on you in a subtle way or direct? Because some people's situations like their parents will tell them, Oh, you know, you whatever.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

And I can tell you it was more myself than my parents. My parents, um, you know, shout out to them. I um remember my mom at that point asked me if you gotta leave your your son, gotta leave Schnau with me. That's what they called him. Leave him with me, and then you just go about life just the way that you plan to. My father um was you know great with that, but again, it was a burden for me because you know, that's my child. I give birth to that child, so I don't think I can just up and leave and go about my life and leave him behind. So that was something I place over me myself, but again, that was just like the map, too, that helped me navigate life the way I I do, yeah, or the way I did, because I use that as what I needed to guide me to where I'm at right now.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

Yeah, so I think like this gives us a good segue um into the weight of failure. Like um for many of us that have experienced failures or seasons of failure, we know it doesn't just come with um just that moment, but it each failure brings its own weight. Um and that weight can sometimes cause you to uh your life shifts in ways, just like when you put on, let's say you put on like a weighted vest, your body now has to adjust to carry that extra, that extra piece. So how do you feel like um the weight of failure affected you? And um what do you feel like what do you feel like failure cost you? What did failing cost you um emotionally or physically or um maybe confidence-wise?

SPEAKER_01 40:57

Um like we said, like I said earlier, um failure for anybody that is watching or listening to me is a very expensive thing. Um to a point that I can say that it's priceless. Because what it's going to cost um cost you, it's up to you because you can price it up or you can price it down or you can zero it out. You zero it out when you quit. Because at the at that moment, I had the choice to have another child right after, or just kind of start living my life just anyhow, do whatever I want to do. Because at that point, I could have given up on myself. Yeah, even though my parents didn't give up on me, I had the option or the choice to give up on myself, but I didn't. So I um to answer your question, there was not really a price that I can put on that because as of today, sitting on this chair, I'm still paying the price for that and still using that to navigate life. Whenever things get hard, whenever things seem to be impossible, I look back at that moment or that failure, that early um stage failure in my life and say, Well, if I get cool then, I can now. And still using that to navigate and use it for my children, and use it for every time I have a chance to speak with another youth to let them know, hey, this is possible. It's heavy, it's going to be expensive, it's not cheap. Because the freedom you I had, I no longer after making that choice, after that situation, I didn't have that anymore. Life changed for me forever, and it was expensive, and it's still expensive.

SPEAKER_02 42:46

So um on along the same lines of the expense, like the the cost of failing. Um I think that people pay that cost in so many different ways. Um do you you feel like um I know some people can pretend, some people overwork, some people continue underachieving, or in some way, um what was your initial response?

SPEAKER_01 43:19

Overachieving.

SPEAKER_02 43:20

Overachieving.

SPEAKER_01 43:21

I never feel like I've done or I'm doing enough. I'm always on the go because I feel like by the way, my son is not a failure, my son is not a mistake. I love that boy so much. The situation itself is what I'm talking about tonight, just in case you come across this video and don't don't call me or text me. Um overachieving is mine, and I'm still dealing with that because he created that space inside of me, that little voice in me that always makes me feel I'm not doing enough. So, regardless of where I'm at, I'm always Always going higher because of that moment.

SPEAKER_02 44:04

And if if if many people who have dealt with failure um or you know very hefty failure are honest, they all feel that way. Like there there is still something that they could have done. Or even revisiting old failures. I could have made a different decision and perhaps it would have gone a different a different way. So how do you feel like um that overachieving mindset affected your relationship with God?

SPEAKER_01 44:36

Um with God and everything else or everyone else around me, um I will say it give me a positive mindset um sometimes because when it comes to God, I always see there is more in him for me. There is more for me to do, there is more for me to get. I can keep I feel like I can just keep pulling from him because I never feel that I'm satisfied or I'm where I need to be or wanted to be in life. Even though when someone else looks at me, they probably feel like I don't know why you're trying this hard. But to me, it's like I'm I'm just not done.

SPEAKER_02 45:24

Yeah. Yeah. I think I get that sentiment. I think for me on the flip side, I always felt like I I feel like what I think failure made me feel like the way I felt about myself or the way that I felt like my community perceived me after failing is the way that God felt about me. So I know that if I had a moral failure or s or I didn't make a right choice or I didn't do the best that I could have done in certain way that I was serving him, I felt like the disappointment I felt in myself is the way that God felt about me. And I know that the way that affected my relationship was I always felt like I had to work extremely hard for God to love me.

SPEAKER_01 46:18

Um, let me answer to that for a moment. That is a normal human reaction to a God that we cannot see. It's like, well, it's just like a father and daughter relationship. Right. You always feel like, okay, if I do more, then my parents will love me more. If I do more, then my father will reward me with a bigger um um thing. But unfortunately, God is not like that. God is a God of grace. And I um while I'm sitting here and I'm learning that not too long ago, that I start learning that about myself. If I show myself the same amount of grace that I show everybody else, I give myself the same grace that I give to everyone else, then I'll be fine. Right. Because sometimes I'm mentally troubled about something that God has already given me peace for. Yeah, He's already paid for it. You know, the blood has really covered that. Yeah. But I'm sitting in a corner beating myself up because everybody else is beating me up for it. Everybody else is talking about it, the town is singing about it, yet God says, Well, go ahead, my daughter, I got you. And instead of me moving forward, I'm now stuck because I can hear myself, I can hear my own mind. I'm not listening to God at that point. Right. Because it's only you and the devil that can remind yourself of where you know you fall short. But God is already done with it. Because a lot of your failure just to move on, God already knew they were going to happen. God needed them to happen in order for God to shape you the way God wanted to shape you. Because God couldn't make me the person that I am today. He could have because he's God. But God needed me to get pregnant out of high school, God needed me to get in the mental state that I was in when I went to him. Because when I accepted God, I was going through that spiral, I was going through that moment, I was going through that circle. So that circle had to happen in order for God to find me. Because I wasn't easy to find.

SPEAKER_02 48:21

Yeah, that's really good. Um speaking of that, like that particular period of time where you were in, you know, that mental place that you mentioned that um I think one thing that failure does is that it lies to you. Um and it it it tells you a lot of things that are very convincing based off of whatever your for your failure was. Yes. Um, and what is one thing that you can um think of? What is one lie that failure told you that you believed for a long time?

SPEAKER_01 49:04

Um, for a very, very long time, I didn't think I could win anything because I was always at a loss. Um, regardless of how much I try, regardless of how much I do, regardless of how much I pour into things, they always backfire with loss or losses. It's like I can work and work and work and work in that same thing, pass it down to someone else, and that person will grab it and be successful. One of the things that I use to make up for that, though, um, before we even get to business is school, because I'm I'm I'm a smart one, Sandra. I'm a smart one. So when I got pregnant, it was really disappointing to everybody in my family. Family, friends, family, people I grew up with, they were disappointed because I had I remember one person by name, still remember her face. She told me you were one of the persons that I counted on to become a doctor because you were that smart. And as of today, they'll tell you you're smart just like your father. Because my dad is extremely smart. Not book smart, but my dad can sell this country and give you the babies. So, and when when that when she said that to me, I had just I think I just graduated high school, then from there, I went to um a program that lasted six months, I went to another one that was like five months, then I stopped. That's it. I gave up, I gave up on my brain, I gave up on everything that I knew how to do, and school was just not it at that moment because I believed that I was done. Because while she said that, she also counted me out, right? Because she said I counted past ins.

SPEAKER_02 51:12

Like you no longer have the capacity anymore.

SPEAKER_01 51:16

And of you, you got pregnant out of high school, you are done, life is finished, life is over. You'll never be anything in this country because you got here instead of you pursuing your degrees in school, you got pregnant. So if you find that I'm a book junkie, I'm a school junkie, I'm always in school, it's because I'm feeding those voices still because they never left. I can hear them every time I grab a computer, I feed them. Every time I grab a computer, I answer to these people. That's why you can see me degrees after degrees after degrees after degrees after degrees, to a point that I'm like, okay, I owe this lady a doctorate. Might not be a medical doctor, but I owe this lady a doctorate. So when she sees me, we can have that conversation. So, yes, it's like I don't know really how to answer that, but failure, if you don't quit, give you also the passion and desire for you to keep going.

SPEAKER_02 52:21

Um, and I think um that's the direction we're headed here. Um I think I think for me similar to you, one of the biggest lies of failure told me was that um I think my m one of my biggest prior um to my seasons of failure, at least to this point, one of my biggest fears was um this being a disappointment because I I was the way that I was born. Um and so when certain things began to happen and I started to feel the weight of disappointment. Um one of the lies that I believed was that I was gonna always be a disappointment. It was just gonna be a disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. Um, but there there's the Bible says that all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and that are called according to his purpose. So he uses everything like nothing goes to waste. Um so what would you um so you're in this season where you know people are counting you out, and I'm sure there are things that you heard, things that you didn't. You're the talk of the town, everybody who was probably waiting for you to slip up, finally got what they wanted, and um you feel like you know, maybe you've missed your mark, maybe you missed your moment for good. What was your turning point? What was the point where you where things started to shift for you?

SPEAKER_01 54:11

Um I will say I had a conversation with my dad. It was a joking conversation, but okay during that conversation is the second person. I knew he was serious and met every word that he said to me and I'm not crying, she is so everybody knew everything he said to me at that time I um I took him seriously for every single one of them and then that's when I said to myself I owe this man my life because starting school I didn't know my dad will carry me from the house to the school while riding his bike and he brought that to me as a joke like if I gotta carry you to school again.

SPEAKER_02 55:36

Oh wow I'll do it I knew my dad never been to school.

SPEAKER_01 55:53

I thought my dad had to write his name, but he knew he still believed in you and believed that I can do anything until right now. If you tell my mom I'm gonna create this ceiling, she'll believe you. Because I'm that woman. If I say I'm gonna do it, regardless of what it costs me, I'm gonna do it. Yeah, that's why I always say people don't dare me because you might like you might not like the outcome because sometimes it's not you know pleasant.

SPEAKER_03 56:29

Sometimes it's a flip side to that exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 56:33

So then at that moment, I remember we were on outside, I met him, he stopped, I stopped, my car who pulled in somebody's parking lot. He wasn't even at my house, and I you know, he said that, and I say, you know what? I gotta do better. I know I can. And from that time, I'm unstoppable. I'm unstoppable. And inviting him to every graduation. Every time we met for graduation, we cry because we know why we are crying and why we what we cry about. So to say there's always gonna be that one person, yeah. Sometimes it's going to be someone you don't know that will see it in you because it's in you. Yeah, the enemy doesn't cause you to fail early on for no reason. He can see your star, he can see your shine. Yeah, so in order for him to stop it, he'll make a turning point somewhere. Yeah, you'll make that one little mistake, then now he'll use that to break your mind. Yeah. Because if he can't break your mind, baby, yeah, he's down with you.

SPEAKER_02 57:55

Because it's often said that whenever you're attacked, it's never about the actual thing. Like God didn't ask um the the enemy, the devil didn't ask God for Job to get rid of his stuff. He didn't care anything about Job's land, his kids, his he didn't care about that. He wanted the one goal of ruining Job's life was to get Job to curse God. Yep. He ruined Job's life just for Job to open his mouth and curse God.

SPEAKER_05 58:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 58:30

So it's never about what you fail in, what you lose, what you you're missing. It's it's about who what the result of that is gonna be. So if you can deny yourself early on, if you can convince yourself that the tools that God gave you are not in there, or that it's too late to use them, or that you're tarnished and you're not able to do it, then he successfully stopped whatever it is. Because if the if if he cannot get you to deny yourself, he's not gonna be able to stop you in that way, you know. Um, and so I think that shout out to your dad. I always believed in his in in his Bluetooth, yeah. And I've never seen anybody be that clean any everywhere. Um, so shout out to the dads, and for those of you, there are also people who don't have I never it's never lost on me how much of a tremendous blessing it is to have people in your corner, whether that be your parents, whether that be, you know, your community, but there are people who are in a season where they don't have anyone. And so what would you say to a person who doesn't have a physical person? How do they find that strength?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:04

Um, my first one is to say, you know what, turn turn to God because He's always there, always near. Um He'll listen, but always look for someone that's been through and that's not afraid to talk about their situation, that's not afraid to really, you know, open up about what they've been through and find that mentor and that person so they can counsel, guide you. Uh the reason I say someone that's not afraid to speak about their own life or their own situation, because if I'm open and clear and openly talking about my own situation, then now when you come to me, it'll be less likely for me, remember I say less likely, for me to judge you and air out your situation. Yeah, because mine is already out there. So what vision, what you know, why would I even bother to speak about words? So you always want to find that person because not everyone you can do that with. No, because people tend to reject you based on your failure, you based on your past, based on what you've been through, and they think to feel that oh, the fact that you've been through that, then God is also through with you when God is not even beginning with you yet, because God is waiting to use every little piece along that way to turn you into that big thing, yeah, and they are part of your journey, unfortunately, because sometimes we are so afraid of the failures that we are dealing with, and we feel like, well, now, just like in Haiti, if you have a small head, your name in the town is small head, T Ted, TPA, T-Man. The reason they are calling you that is because they identify you're coming exactly, and unfortunately, we're still doing that in other ways. We still label people with what they've been through, with their situations, and not every time we are open enough to give out our own struggles, like I'm not perfect, I've been through, and this is what I've been through, and that wasn't my only failure, that was my first one, and then from there on, everything in my life has been a struggle. If I don't quit though, if I don't quit, because if ever you see that I fought and lost, that's because at some point I quit. Yeah, but nothing in life is easier for me since that moment, everything in my life I have to stand and fight for.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:47

Because that was the first attack over my life that I didn't understand at that moment because I didn't have God. But that was the situation too that led me to God, that created the pathway for me to get to God. So, wherever you are, whatever you are going through, find someone that you probably know already, or you don't know, that you're about to reach out to on social media platform, wherever. Well, I heard you spoke about this and that and that. I'm also going through this and that and that. How can you help? Yeah. Sometimes it's just a prayer, sometimes it's a word or two, but you always need that person, family or not, you need that person.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:28

Yeah. I think community is super important to making it through certain situations because I feel like isolating yourself where you're just kind of like a prisoner to your thoughts is quite literally the worst thing you could probably do. Um, in a moment where you're so vulnerable mentally, emotionally, um, it's really difficult. Um, but like uh within the the scope of that turning point, um, I believe that that's where God starts to then redefine what failure is. Um and so I want to talk a little bit about um the redefinition of the concept of failure. Um, I feel like in retrospect, when I look back on what I consider horrible seasons of my life, um I have realized how much grace God dispensed in in failure. In the moment I didn't feel the grace because I needed it. It's like when you're in the hospital and like when I look back on like um paperwork or whatever from discharge papers, and you see the list of medication they give you to go home. Yes, um, I'm like, oh my gosh, it's like so much, just so many things. But you were taking all of them while you were. I I quite literally needed them to survive in the moment. Yes, right. Um, and I realized that even amongst all the grace that God dispenses, there is also grace to fail. Because we just talked about how heavy the seasons of failure are. There are people who go through failures and are traumatized for life, there are people who go through failures and lose their mind. They just walk out and they're walking around. Not every crazy person you see in the street.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:21

Have you ever been through a situation? And then you asking yourself, why are you still mentally sustained?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:28

How you know, you just ask, like, I'm not even when you're conscious and you you're conscious that you're that you're functioning at 50%. There's like the con the concept of um what do they call it? Walk walking depression, functional, functional depression, where you know, like there's many, many seasons, still even now, and sometimes where you know I'm functioning right now, I'm functioning at below 50%.

SPEAKER_06 1:05:59

I

SPEAKER_02 1:06:00

enough strength to get up, take a shower, get put on whatever is clean, leave, do what I have to do, and come home. I don't have any strength to do anything else. And like you're like you're you're feeling you know dissatisfied with life because you know this is nowhere for for you to live yes without even realizing how much of a privilege it is to even be in that state. Not that the not to trivialize depression because that's a terrible thing and you know do what you have to do to get the help that you need. But seeing that even in that moment there is quite literally somebody who lost their not every person you see walking around on the street is a crack that is a crackhead. Amen. Some people have gone through the worst traumas. Some of us if they were to get a little bit of sanity to tell their story you would understand why they're walking around just the way that they are so I I've realized that there was even a grace to accept seasons of failure. Because there are some times where life is throwing blows at you and your instinct is to throw blows back and it's not the right response.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:24

Sometimes you gotta shelter and take the hit just play dead you gotta play dead you gotta take the hit stay down stay down stay down stay down don't bounce back. It's like the enemy's waiting for you to bounce back no to give you another blow. I'm like no and you want to no I'm dead but God just holds you right just stay there. I'm dead just just stay down find somebody else so in in um the idea of redefining failure what does failure mean to you now um you looking looking at it um that situation and many many many many other um situations I um realized that failure is a prerequisite for success yeah that's a prerequisite it's a prerequisite um can't get to success without failure so if you've never failed that's because you've never tried that's simple as that because if you feel like me me no no you never try anything because failure is a prerequisite to success this beast of failure the storm this huge like I don't know obstacle of failure ironically there are extremely important lessons hidden in pockets of tears and that's pretty much the season that you know in order for you to know the value of money you gotta be broke thank you or you just you just won't understand you gotta be putting hot dogs in the world in order for you to understand harvest you must have been through a season thank you so it's there is no way around it I know uh in society we tend especially for people of faith let's not just say women of faith for people of faith we think that God is not in the middle of failure like the moment you fail we gotta blame the devil yeah no because some of us especially for me yeah my God understands the type of person that I am wherever he's taking me he needs to work in me yeah and in that moment of working in me being the person that I am I will try stupid stuff like yeah there is there's no way you're gonna put me here for 40 years man you know and no way we're gonna try to cut that by 20 and that's when it's gonna be like um show up again right and we will have to restart this all every year it's like what you doing what you oh so we back to that same quarter oh okay got you but give me five minutes right be like I thought you say we because I'm you feel like I learned this already I don't know and that's when it's like no no that's why you keep failing because you are not learning it my biggest one really for the past few years was for me to shut up and I felt like I felt every time that God asked me just be quiet.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:04

Because it's that that feeling of feeling like you need to defend yourself.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:08

Well guess what that's a charm response from failure though too guess what every time I do oh you fell again now you back in that same corner because you're gonna have to learn to be quiet in the moment or episode that taught me to be quiet was something I didn't have to go through. I really didn't have to deal but I didn't have to when I look back I'm like yo it is something if we're gonna be if we're gonna keep it real just creep up on you.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:42

Sometimes you gotta look back and be like yeah I saw that problem I didn't I didn't really have I didn't have to do that.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:49

I'm like I you could have just you you know you could have done something yeah else and then that's when he's like oh well okay now you get it yeah we can now move on I'm like but you could have just made it you know less traumatic for me to get to that point but he's like no but I've been asking you to shop you know shout out in the drama you got it got something to say I'm not done speaking I've still got you know I got this you never tell God you know what I feel like you weren't doing right I'm gonna handle this while the Holy Spirit is sitting there and say well if I were you I would just be quiet you know just be quiet now no dog I got this so I've been through this and I'm giving that because I know a lot of people are dealing with that and at that moment they feel like no ma'am I'm about attack with it is not an attack it is God shaping you to where he wants you to be be quiet now I get to a moment sometimes I gotta speak I just don't speak and but that's the part that I feel like that's sometimes okay if we will keep it real sometimes the moment that we feel like we're we're under like full attack we know it that's literally the lesson that's the lesson right there yeah the moments when we're like uh uh god I know you couldn't have been I know this could this you didn't do this this because you say because I prayed like this before okay God you said you said right here that you love me you said everybody know the verse Jeremiah 29 plans of peace and not of evil okay plans of prosperity and not to harm me right now my life is in turmoil exactly um I'm feeling very harmed right now and I'm not prosperous no what I this can't be you and that's it's like well you know this is me but this is me yes yes and um again a lot of things that we thin to um you know we think about like you know well this must be this must be and all along it's not it's just your life taking the shape in the form um of what God wanted to be yeah because a lot of time we picture who we want to be people society tell you who you are but yet that's not who you are because that's how who God called you to be because God created each and every one of us for a pathway and if God showed me my pathway I'd be like no doubt we we're gonna have to do this another way but he it doesn't every day I'm up he's like oh this is today there's a little bit more you know this is this is today and sometimes it's like this is this morning by 12 o'clock we'll see again then I'm gonna give you the rest you know for the rest of the afternoon until night time comes around because I have seasons and I mean seasons of my life where I question my entire being yeah like why am I here yeah because I'm sure you probably have something better for me to do up there right to be honest because I'm not doing anything here that makes sense to me but again at the end you'll get the word the prophecy I am here I called you for the it can you even the prophecies be irritating you call me for you call me for nothing I'm like okay God you know this this is what you can do for me please stop telling people stuff about me because cuz because the thing about it is every time I'm ready to be like all right Lord take me you know let me just be me up Scotty and somebody else got something else to say and I'm like okay um well I'm still waiting on the other stuff I don't really I want to hear that I remember um again for the full Christian other please don't listen to with this don't don't judge me based on it other because it was a moment of my life if you've never been to this moment you you know what shout out to you he woke me up and said you know what I want you to pray about this and I'm like no not doing that I was already mad I'm like no man you see that right here to do it as for me I pray about that no because I've been asking you for an answer a specific answer about this specific thing you never say anything I pray I cry I flip you never say anything now you're waking me up and asking me to no man come on what about my mental health guess who didn't say anything yeah him already said some so I'm like well you talk me about we're talking about two different things at that point it's up to you or you go and pray for your mental health and then he'll give you something to do like sir how do you think doing that is going to help my mental health so I don't know if you hear what I have before that you're giving me to do but again he knows he remembers who he created that Jeremiah 2911 trust me that's his plan for you yeah that's his plan for you might not feel like it right now might not feel like it tomorrow but that's a plan of God for your life and I find something very recently after the passing of my father it's about Elijah and find that scripture and then I say okay because I used to think resting as a Christian was wrong for you to take a break as a Christian was wrong I you know you feel guilty oh my god so many people are suffering the work of God is suffering that is suffering and you are resting God fed him the angel fed him sometimes you just need a 10 piece and honey hot and a nap that's all bring the AC down that's the word of the Lord for somebody bring the AC down turn the AC down get a blanket and go to bed put the fan on get a blanket take a nap that's your mental reset because sometimes that's all you need not another retreat not another empowerment not another night of revival not another cease to cease you just need a nap and God is okay with that but we don't think that we can do that because we've been told that especially women we gotta work we got work to do we always feel like we we we gotta be doing even women who don't work in a traditional setting you still got work to do you always feel like you got something because that's what we go up to see we go up to see the work being done you know this is being done that is being done this is being done that is being done sitting around tend to be laziness and sometimes that's all you gotta do baby you just gotta see that's all you can do you just gotta see like to recoup from your failure to um you know kind of use your failure in your advantage you gotta learn from it and sometimes to learn from it you have to shall I say leave town leave reset do so redirect because sometimes you need to be out I'm not saying leave forever right sometimes you need to be away from redirect from the yeah redirect be able to kind of have the big picture in front of you and don't label yourself as that failure no don't put it oh my god now I'm I'm valuing this I'm valuing that the girl that got pregnant the girl that got pregnant out of high school the girl that flunk out of high school the girl that fell out of college the girl that lost the business the girl that lost the house the girl that couldn't keep her husband because that's a thing yeah she couldn't keep her husband the husband was in medicine but that's okay that's not what we talked about today so with that that becomes your label in society but what do you label yourself as what do you call yourself how do you see yourself be the girl that is too much yeah working a woman own it every time regardless of what's going on not that it's not going on it is going on yeah you're not pretending that it's not but you already know you were called and created for bigger and better that's all yeah but you know it's there the failure is there you're facing and dealing with it but you're not letting it keep you know you won't let it keep you down or label yourself as a failure. Yeah so before we end um if you could say something if uh if a girl who's or a person because you know different people watch um who is dealing with a season of failure or um have just come through something um and they are kind of in that place of mental turmoil what would you tell them seek God and go to therapy yeah Jesus is not against therapies Jesus got nothing going on with psychologists psychiatrists therapists he loves them he created them he gave them the knowledge just like you go to a doctor whenever you um feeling ill if you I always use the extreme if you broke your leg you're not going to go home and put anointing oil over that leg and go to sleep the first thing I know I'm speaking to my Christians that's why I'm using that the first thing you're going to do pray and get yourself to a doctor so they can cast they put a cast or a boot whatever they're gonna put on that leg to get it going but for some reason when things in life doesn't go well a heartbreak we are going to a heartbreak we are going to certain things in life because everything in life as a loss will cause will cause your heart to be broken yeah but when that happens we tend to pray that away so the little girl inside of you now never heal never find that healing because you never take the time to process that pain or failure because it is painful. I don't care what anybody going to say to me anything in life that doesn't go well for you go to therapy yeah find a therapist most insurance pay for therapy they'll pay your session or two your job find out yeah um you know what the covers where you can find help what you can get if you don't know inbox value she'll send me the inbox I'll send you a bunch of referral or places that you can go to find help find God stay in prayer go to therapy get you that little notebook sit with somebody that can help you process and navigate your feelings don't turn your friends into your therapists yeah because that's gonna cause them to burn out too yeah because they are dealing with their own situations so I always say yes talk to them share with them as much as you can but find someone that can help you now and I think the same way you can we have faith that God will direct like um your medical professionals to give you the right medication and offer you the right suggestions so I think we can do the same thing for you know mental health that um he'll direct you to the right person and you do have the option I know sometimes you know for Christian faith is not the same for everybody specially for us Haitian we always feel like our faith is just different faith than everybody else's faith you can I find out recently you can a Christian I was on a platform just recently you can specify everything if you want somebody who speaks the same language as you if you want a woman if you want you know someone from your culture someone from your background because for grief I always want someone from my culture because yeah because they'll understand the way we grieve yeah so find help yeah go to therapy girl definitely go to therapy um I always like to leave everybody with a word of the day and I think today's word of the day is grace so give yourself grace in the situation give yourself grace through the situation and after um and know that God is pouring grace on you throughout that failure and even grace after to change that the definition of that failure in your life and that one day when you think back on that failure um there's a testimony attached to it.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:25

So that's today's episode thank you for being here. Thank you for having me latest and you're great we'll put all of your information in the you know in the captions so that they can follow you and see what else you have going on okay she has a restaurant it's called Tropical Leaf put the camera on me with you to Tropical okay no blood y'all gotta go to Tropical Leaf restaurant okay I'm gonna give y'all uh a coupon code I don't know can we do that yes you can I'll make your stuff up on the on the live you can alright and y'all go visit let them know that you saw on on all daughters considered and go get you some food it's good I'm obviously juicy so if it's nasty I would have told you all right I eat I clearly I eat okay so go get you some tropical leaf okay all right guys this is episode six of all daughters considered I'll see you guys next time