Realization Lab
Realization Lab is a virtual laboratory for exploring the most fascinating mysteries in the world of spirituality.
Each episode features remarkable guests whose experiences challenge our ordinary understanding of reality. We’ll also run our own experiments—past-life regressions, animal communication, channeling extradimensional beings, connecting with loved ones who have crossed over, and more.
Curious, open-minded, and occasionally mind-blowing, Realization Lab invites you to explore the frontiers of consciousness with us.
Realization Lab
S1 Ep3: I Killed a Man – In a Past Life / Cynthia Berkshire
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For most of her adult life, Cynthia Berkshire has carried a recurring image in her mind — a young Confederate soldier, frozen in time like a Mathew Brady photograph. She assumed she was him – in some former life. She was wrong.
In this episode of Realization Lab, Cynthia — a former Managing Director at Chase Securities, turned restaurateur and mother of four — undergoes a past life regression with hypnotherapist Fiona Harris. What she discovers turns her lifelong intuition on its head: a WWII love story that ends in stoic loss, a Civil War battlefield where she becomes the killer instead of the killed, and a journey after death that leads her — a lifelong Christian — straight into the receiving room of heaven.
Join us for this deeply moving, beautifully surprising episode.
Theme Music: "And It Goes Like This" – Shadow Kitten
“Horrible” – Oliver Grynberg
Came out and what I saw in front of me was the gray man, you know, like at a campfire, and then a second later, I was above him with a sword in my hand, uh-huh, and I killed him.
SPEAKER_06Whoa! Right, whoa! Yes.
SPEAKER_05Have you lived on this planet before? In another time, another place? About half the people of the world believe in reincarnation. That a human soul journeys through hundreds or even thousands of lives on its path to enlightenment. Fiona Harris is uniquely gifted in the art of past life regressions. Using gentle hypnosis, Fiona is able to help clients reconnect with subconscious memories of their past lives. For each episode in this series, Fiona will do a past life regression with our guest. She and the guest will then join me on the podcast to discuss the past lives they discovered and how this information will be utilized by the guest in their life moving forward. Please join us. Our guest today is Cynthia Berkshire. Born and raised in the Midwest, educated at the University of Michigan, where she met the love of her life, Alan Berkshire, Cynthia rose to the very highest echelons of Chicago's financial world, ultimately serving as managing director at Chase Securities. At the height of her career, Cynthia left the financial industry to focus on raising their four beautiful children. She and Alan moved to Los Angeles, where Cynthia served on a number of nonprofit boards and later opened two seasonal restaurants near their summer home on Lake Michigan. Wife, mother, executive, loyal friend, and entrepreneur, Cynthia Berkshire has thus far lived a very full life. Welcome, Cynthia Berkshire, to our podcast. Thank you so much for being here.
SPEAKER_01Thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_05We're doing a podcast, as you know, about past lives. The idea is to have people come on and then we'll get to know a little bit about their life here, but then also see how past lives of theirs have influenced different things that they're experiencing in this life. And so I invited you to come and be part of this podcast and to see how it all works. And you're here with me in Los Angeles. We have Fiona Harris in Calgary. Hi, Fiona.
SPEAKER_02Hi, everybody.
SPEAKER_05So you and Cynthia got together prior to this recording. Tell us a little bit about what you did.
SPEAKER_02So we did a session through Zoom and we chatted for a little bit, you know, we got grounded, very, very relaxed, and I led Cynthia through a past life regression. And how that works is um as we become deeply relaxed, our brain kind of goes from beta into alpha into theta, and theta is deep relaxation with heightened focus. So the client is awake and aware, easily able to talk, to you know, do whatever, but their subconscious mind is giving them images from a past life, which is is what our intention was for you know our session.
SPEAKER_05So would you say would you say that you hypnotized her?
SPEAKER_02Yep, yep, yep, yep, it's hypnosis.
SPEAKER_05Hypnosis, okay. So you hypnotized Cynthia. She went into a deeper state where she accessed information in her subconscious, you think?
SPEAKER_02Yes. So you know when you're thinking about, let's say Christmas and you think, oh, where am I gonna put my Christmas tree? Last year it was over there. In your mind, you maybe have a vague image of a Christmas tree where it was the year before. Um it might be crisp, it might be more faded, but you are creating that consciously. You're like, oh yeah, I I'm gonna do that, or I did that. When we're in a hypnotized state and we're accessing a past life, it comes from the same place. So you're not seeing like a movie across your eyelids. It's coming from where you imagine things. So sometimes it's very crisp and sharp. Uh-huh sometimes it's a little bit more blurry or like a quick flash. Um where our subconscious mind is reaching out and and bringing in our past, our past selves for us to be able to experience.
SPEAKER_05So stored, you're basically like a memory stored in our subconscious, are these recollections of past lives, is that correct?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I don't know if I want to say it's stored in our subconscious. Like where is our subconscious? Is it inside our physical body? Is it attached to, you know, the source energy? I I believe that our subconscious is not just in here. It's there's something else we're accessing. Like, like this is my belief. So imagine an octopus. The head of the octopus is our higher self, and and it's everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. The tentacles of the octopus are like all of our different, like this is Jay right now. This is Jay in 1840, you know, this is Jay when he was a Viking or whatever. Each tentacle feels separate, but they're actually all connected to our higher self. And so, you know, Jay or Cynthia right now is accessing a past life. They're just accessing another part of themselves that is existing somewhere else in time and space. Like I don't think time is linear. So it's not like we're just going into some weird memory that's like in our DNA or something. We're we're like a radio getting the signal, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_05Do you mind that Fiona just called you an octopus?
SPEAKER_03Is that a because it's actually it's really it it's exactly uh you're so good at describing it because the way you described it is how I experienced it. I mean, the the session itself, um being hypnotized, you know, I was a little bit skeptical because I'm not a good meditator, and I wasn't sure she would be able to successfully get me there. And I was, you know, hearing the leaf blower in the neighborhood, like I was very aware of where I was, but sure enough, uh these images that were not my imagination, I pretty quickly I knew, wait, I'm not imagining this is coming, this is you were absolutely clear on that. I was I was clear, and I believe me, I went in with a certain amount of skepticism.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And even in in some of the first images that appeared to me, I was thinking, wait, am I imagining this? Is this an image that I've seen? Am I creating this? And it was pretty clear it was not.
SPEAKER_05That's it's not always the case, right? Fiona, don't most or many people wonder whether they're just making this up?
SPEAKER_02I think most of us wonder that. I mean, even in my own experiences with regression, I have to wonder, am I making it up? Why wouldn't we think that? It's literally coming from the same place that our imagination comes from. Like our brain has to decode something to give us any kind of like if you have an apple, your brain has to show that you're feeling the weight of it and the temperature and you're looking at the color, and maybe you're smelling the apple if it's a smelly apple, let's say. Um so our brain has to give us images. It maybe gives us sounds, and it comes from the same place where all of our thoughts are coming from. Of course, we're gonna question it. Um what usually happens is clients will be like, oh, I don't know, maybe this is real, I don't know, and then a few days later they're like, oh my god, this weird synchronicity happened. Oh, you know, this other thing happened after. Um, a lot of times clients can see things in that life that makes sense in this life with them or helps them in some way.
SPEAKER_05But Cynthia, you you you your experience that's interesting. You really were like clear that this was not just coming from It was not I was not controlling the narrative.
SPEAKER_03I mean the the story that developed in when we actually talk into it. I can I can give you the example, but it it made me a complete believer.
SPEAKER_05That you were having an experience of your past life. Wow. That's amazing. So so before we get into the story, let's just I I asked you to come and do this because well, for two reasons. One is I know you to be a spiritual person. Um because over the years we've had little talks here and there, stuff like that. Tell me a little bit about who you are, your spiritual life. Like what is your spiritual orientation?
SPEAKER_03Grown up very traditionally Christian mainstream church. Where? Uh was born in Gary, Indiana. Uh-uh, lived in the Midwest until about 2006 when came to California. And throughout my life, I've either belonged to a Methodist church or a Presbyterian church uh when my children were small, dragged them to Sunday school every Sunday. I probably, you know, attend organized church um now maybe a couple times a month.
SPEAKER_05And do you feel I mean, did as a kid, did you feel connected to the church? Did you feel a spiritual connection?
SPEAKER_03Yes. And and I went to Parochial uh uh grammar school uh so had a regular you know practice of uh worship and and and involvement. And uh interestingly, I I I was very felt very close to God and in at that point in my life, and have sort of throughout, while I've maintained the practices and and think of myself as a Christian and and uh I've not had the intimacy or the the feeling of of love, and maybe it was just a childlike feeling, but I've been trying to find that again. It's something I pray for all the time.
SPEAKER_05I d when and the years that you felt most connected to God um were high school or was pre-high school or uh yeah, like uh uh eighth grade through through high school, I would say. Eighth grade to high school. And what was and how did that manifest? Like what was that feel? How how is that different than it is today?
SPEAKER_03Just God was a very concrete you know image in my mind, uh felt you know great clarity on all the answers were there. Uh, you know, just a lot of belief in in doctrine is taught. And I think the the difference is, as you know, with with age, and certainly now at you know my current age, uh one of my intentions for this session was 41. Yeah, 41, God bless. Uh, was to, you know, what is the next chapter? Like, I have so much to learn about faith because in knowing friends like you, uh, you know, I I have a good friend Felix, who's a Buddhist. I mean, I I I know it's some combination. It's not it's not this rigid line or path, it's not God is you know taught in vacation Bible school.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03Um, that's actually much richer. And uh so and again, after this experience with Fiona, I'm more convinced than ever that I it's like I've just started a new um exercise. I I want to flex the muscle. There's so much more to learn, and it's gonna be so rich.
SPEAKER_02I know we're not getting into the regression yet, but there's a part in your experience where you connect with God. And that was un freaking believable. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05All right, wait, wait, before we get to the regression, I'm excited. I don't know anything about what happened between you guys. So all of this is me learning about it too. But so the other reason I asked you to be part of this podcast was I know that you're a war buff. Is that correct?
SPEAKER_03That's correct. Tell me a little bit about that. Well, uh I've always enjoyed, for whatever reason. You love war. Yeah. And and I and I've often you know made the comment, you know, I I'm sure that I was a soldier in in in a previous life, and I've But you can't make it half-jokingly because everyone would would would agree, but I've always been drawn to reading um certainly nonfiction, particularly uh Civil War and World War II, or my my two wars, that I that I uh enjoy reading. And and your favorite wars. My favorite wars, and I think I've you that I you know was very convinced that or had the feeling that I was in the Civil War as a Confederate soldier and died in in that experience.
SPEAKER_05Okay, so you kind of just had this gut feeling that you were involved in the Civil War in some way as a Confederate soldier. As a Confederate soldier, and that you got killed in battle.
SPEAKER_03In battle, right? Wow. And what made you feel that way? I don't know. And that's it, and and that's it. I've had it for a long time, and I have wondered is it, you know, because I've read so much and seen so many images and you know, first account narratives and and things that, oh no, this is my imagination. I'm just kind of assuming something from these books and and and things that I've read. But with the persistence of time and because it still stays with me, and and just more as I'm intellectually more curious about spirituality in a broader sense, and have been you know introduced to people and practices around multiple lives, it's become like, oh no, I think there's something to that. So when you mentioned this podcast and this chance to have a session with Fiona, I'm like, yeah, please me. I would love to explain.
SPEAKER_05Really? She was like, how do I do that?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm glad.
SPEAKER_05Here she is. Um all right.
SPEAKER_02So wait, I just want to ask a quick question of Cynthia first. You just had a feeling that you'd had a past life and that you died. You just like had a knowing without any, but didn't you also mention, and maybe I shouldn't bring this up yet because we're gonna talk about, but you had certain images once in a while that would flash.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no, that's it. I've always wondered, am I just carrying did I see this image in a book and for whatever reason it has stayed with me, and it's it's it's a it's an image of a Confederate soldier. Um an alive Confederate soldier, not dead, alive Confederate soldier. Um and I've had that image with me for a long time. And I again, did I read it in a book or is it somehow Well you describe the image just so we can see it a little bit. Uh a young man uh in a in you know gray uniform, cape, sort of, you know, uh longer hair, as was the as was the way. But um getting shivers right now. Yeah, right. And and and just young, you know, it sort of impossible.
SPEAKER_05So do you see him out uh out in fields?
SPEAKER_03No, no, it's it's it's always been it's always been uh a almost like a snapshot, like a Matthew Brady in the not formally posed, a can a candid. A candid on the battlefield. Gun in hand. Oh on the battlefield. Yeah, but not not engaged in battle, but but you know, gun in hand, like an active.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_03Um so that's that's been the sort of recurring image.
SPEAKER_05And starting from when, at what point in your life?
SPEAKER_03I wish I had a memory, Jay. I mean, it's something that I've had for a long, a very long time, many, many years. And she called it the gray man. The gray man, yeah. The gray man. It should just be like the gray man.
SPEAKER_02Because he was wearing gray. But wait, didn't did he have red hair, were you saying, or was that me imagining that?
SPEAKER_03No, no, he did have red hair, and that's why I thought it was me. I mean, or that was, you know, uh in this when I started thinking about the image, and I'm like, huh, you know, or his hair was chestnut or warm-colored, warm and warm-colored, and I thought, okay, oh, maybe that's me. Maybe that's what I'm remembering.
SPEAKER_05Okay, so you had the session with Fiona. Tell us uh, tell us what happened, what was your experience?
SPEAKER_03Um as I said, I went in with plenty of skepticism. Um didn't think I was a great candidate for hypnotism, wasn't sure that I would get to the to the to the state that was necessary. Uh with her soothing voice and uh prompts, pretty quickly I was very relaxed and it just felt like being relaxed.
SPEAKER_05So you were you were skeptical, you kind of had the sense that there were past lives, and maybe even you had a connection to a past life.
SPEAKER_03You were more skeptical about your ability to my ability to access them, my ability to to and that this process would be right, right, be a good student, you know. Uh and just that I wouldn't have because I, as I said, I've tried to meditate and I've never been very successful at it. So I just thought like I'm getting really relaxed. I hope I don't fall asleep on Fiona because I'm so relaxed. Um but still cognizant of you know, I I heard noises, I I knew exactly where I was.
SPEAKER_05I'm just curious, did you have a sense of dropping down?
SPEAKER_03Yes, yes. And and part of it was, you know, your your body's getting heavy, were were some of the the prompts. And then physically, uh and and this is where, you know, you know, her such a fabulous proctor or or guide in in in this process, suddenly which I think the word is witch.
SPEAKER_05Which right, she's a very talented witch.
SPEAKER_03But pretty soon this relaxation then turned into you know, what is the first prompt?
SPEAKER_02We went to the safe place. I would take a client to a safe place. Yeah. Um just it's it's like a little, it's like the green room in a way, right? I exactly. Yeah, you're just in there, you feel safe, you've created it yourself. And then from there, I took you down, down, down deep, you know, both you know, physically, emotionally, whatever. I took you down, and then we had access to this hallway with all of these doorways, each one leading to a different past life.
SPEAKER_03Well, and let me let me may I say this just so I don't forget to say it do it when she took me to the safe place, that was a place of my imagination. She's like, choose uh choose a place that you want to be. And I was sort of thinking, oh, I guess I want to be outside, or do I want to be like in my bedroom, like where's my safe place? And it took me a minute to sort of like I and I was definitely like creating. I was creating, right? And so I I I created my safe place, but then I was and what's interesting too is I was conscious enough to be surprised by things or like to notice things. Um so then as she as she started to lead me to the hall with the doors, I'm realizing like I'm not I'm not imagining, I'm not in controlling this. Like it looks a certain way.
SPEAKER_05That you hadn't decided. Right, right.
SPEAKER_03And she's like, look at your feet, and I uh, oh, that's a wooden floor. Then and then I was certainly like, wait, I'm not driving this.
SPEAKER_05I I That's so interesting.
SPEAKER_03And it was it was a real like demarcation point, and then and then you were continuing like go look at the doors, and I was sort of excited to see the doors, and that's when I'm like, I I I really think my imagined or my consciousness sort of shifted when you started taking me down the hall to the doors, because then I was like, oh my gosh, oh that door, that door, like choosing the doors, and I was not driving that. I knew that my mind was not driving that, and I was excited by that, like, oh shit, I got here.
SPEAKER_05All right, so you Fiona has led you to these doors. And uh what happened?
SPEAKER_03Okay, so there were a hall, and immediately to my left was a door that I could tell there was light behind, it was a traditional looking, looking door, and uh it was just it was very inviting. You know, open open the door and go in. And what was interesting is as I said, it sort of glowed to to invite me in. But once I got in, the images in my mind were all black and white. It was all it was all gray screen. And I was immediately in it I felt like an urban environment, and I and I saw a person that I recognized as myself, though it did not necessarily look exactly like me now, but I I somehow knew that it was me, and I was female, and I was walking in a crowd of people with purpose. Um and I noticed pretty quickly, like, oh, I feel like small and tight and and young, like my body felt different. Like, oh, I can walk very, you know, very fast, and and and I clearly was trying to get somewhere with the city.
SPEAKER_05You were walking in what kind of environment was it?
SPEAKER_03It was an urban environment. It was a street. I was walking, there were other people in the street. No, it was I was thinking, am I in Gary, Indiana, which is I have, well, I didn't experience it in the 60s. I know at wartime it was a very bustling, like in the 40s and 30s, it was bustling because it's a center of seal production. So I felt like I was in an urban street walking with a uh another crowd of people, everyone sort of purposely walking. Um, and I I wasn't sure where I was going. I sort of thought maybe I needed to get to work or something. But pretty quickly I was on the porch of like a farmhouse and a nondescript woman, again, nobody I recognized sitting outside. I opened the door, I hear the screen door shut, and I'm in this wonderfully warm house. And I'm looking outside a window that's open or and there is a farm field, a field of of hay, and and um just felt so like happy to be here. Like I finally got into my destination, the the kitchen was you know in the middle of cooking, though there was no one in the house, and so I was looking for my people, looking for the people, and walked outside to see a group of people under a a tree, under a shade tree, and one young man was not uh the only thing uh you know, he I could not see his face. Couldn't really make out his face, but a young man clearly like sort of looking for me to come to him, you know, waiting for me to to come. And so I went and joined him, and it was just I was I felt very comfortable, I knew it. in it was a contentment and uh and happy and then um you understand okay you let's look in this life for a significant moment or or the happiest moment I I don't remember the exact prompt it was probably a significant moment that that was a turning point or some sort yeah so then pretty quickly I am with a soldier who I assume was this a young man though again no faces but uh a a man in you know uniform down carrying the sword and I and he's boarding a ship and I'm saying goodbye to him.
SPEAKER_05So there's a there's a man that you meet at this home and now is it the same man who's boarding I believe it's the same man but he's his his outfit has changed.
SPEAKER_03Uh-huh um and again I'm not seeing any faces and I have this sense of him of him going leaving and and I think I I mean you might remember if I express sadness.
SPEAKER_02Yeah I think I mean what I remember is when you're in that family home you actually had more emotion there. You felt really connected to everybody. There was like a really strong feeling of connection and belonging in that in that place. Yeah I think when he was saying goodbye there was like a little bit of sadness but maybe stoicism you know or trying to just not really show emotion.
SPEAKER_05And was he going off to war?
SPEAKER_02He was going off to war. You said the clothing was 1940s. So it's World War II then I think it was World War II.
SPEAKER_05One of your favorite wars.
SPEAKER_03One of my favorite wars and that's and that's and that's again like okay wait am I leaving this is this just you know uh but the images were just I was like watching the screen like I was not I was not controlling it and so the next from from this moment I I then am in an office setting and my clothing has changed and I I had the sense of like I've been now I'm the boss or I'm more mature and I suddenly had on a you know again I'm still woman obviously but they had a jacket and it it was it was I had the sense okay so I just worked the rest of that life.
SPEAKER_05And you had the sense that maybe that man did not come home.
SPEAKER_03When I when it became clear is I think Fiona said should we go to the end of this life? And I was then an old woman in bed and at that moment I knew he never came home. And that's and and I was looking at my wrinkly arms and my old lady hands and I think and Fiona you said like let's go ahead and die or let's I mean let's go ahead I said it in a nice way no I know I know let's let's see what happens people to die in the nicest way please die.
SPEAKER_02No I said I yeah I think I think I just I I said let's let's go a little bit further what happens when you leave your body and that's when your regression like went like really powerful I think like lots of them remember we were both sobbing I think were we both I had Kleenex over my face I was like this Fiona very kindly asked you to die.
SPEAKER_03Yeah right and you left your body what happened well I think she said are you ready and I'm like yeah yeah I'm so excited I want to see what's on the other side I want to see and I my soul sort of went through the head of my body and I was in this beautiful place with the young man and and the whole dream has been in or the whole sequence has been in gray and white and I go and I die and I'm suddenly in this red and white checked dress and there's color. It's like the Wizard of Oz it's like the wizard it is like Wizard of Oz oh my god and even the dress yeah and so this image of this dress and I I was so happy because I was reunited with this loved one and I think I think Fiona may have said like who is it? And I'm like is it Alan are you Alan? Are you my husband? Right and again faceless but I just I knew I loved this person so much. I was so happy to be with him and I just I think that's what I kept saying I just I loved you so much.
SPEAKER_05When you when you were the old woman and you were dying were you scared of dying no no that's it I was like let's get on with this I want to see what's next.
SPEAKER_03But that was Cynthia saying that or the old woman no the old woman the old woman was like because I think I think the old woman's life had been maybe maybe she anticipated seeing being reunited. In fact I I I haven't listened to the recording but I now that I think of it I I remember sort of thinking like being hopeful being hopeful that there was something more and and it dying did not hurt at all it was easy um she's an excellent diet very well both of my repressions all right so then you saw this man and you reunite and you have this incredible right feeling of joy for reuniting with him. Yes what was so interesting too is my body shift because when I was in bed as the old woman I felt heavy and big and then as soon as I died it was in this new thing I was young again and like strong and I had I had a real sense of that in the moment that was wow and um no I just was like it was just magical and I was enjoying it all and Fiona's like you know stay here as long as you want you know you're you're clearly it was it was joyful it was joyful. It was joyful and then you said to me in the moment like I could just it felt like you and I may I I maybe I said I think I left this weight go and you said yeah I think you found joy. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So when you guys were crying in this moment were you crying in joy or it was just it was just like it was just that almost beautiful bittersweet joy of like loss and then rejoining someone I don't know I was sobbing. Like I really was like trying not to be like like ugly crying but I pretty much was ugly crying behind my tissue paper, right? Like just like ah it was an intense emotion. And it was almost and it was almost like her life was just kind of black white and gray you know it just was kind of kind of a dullish life like and that was weird because I don't think I've I may have had maybe one or two other clients say that that the their experience was black and white but it's kind of a rare thing. But I think her life maybe felt kind of drab and then when she moves into death all of a sudden the colors are here. I've got like this red and white dress. I just remember you know just feeling like this intense joy and emotion and yeah and and I and I asked present Cynthia who was there I said I said take that emotion and like place it in all of your cells like take that joy like we don't get to be that joyful that often I was like drink it like absorb it into your actual physical body like take that in because super healing like really really good for your cells to feel that emotion. And you also said you keep that love that love is you know yours it's yours always you're never without him like like whoever he was obviously he's the head of an another octopus.
SPEAKER_03Yeah right and really we're all we're we're really we're all one giant octopus if you go like if you macro that right we never metaphor yeah we we never we like we don't lose anybody we don't lose our pets we don't lose our loved ones ever like physical the finger puppets of our higher selves running on the planet we've lost people but really we're all connected like we are all connected and we never lose anybody ever okay so you had this right kind of crescendo to this experience um you went from black and white to color and to big emotional then what happened then Fiona asked do you want to go see another one should we go should we go should we go back to the hall should we go in and out and like yeah yeah let's go do that uh I had more I wanted to do and was feeling great and so we went back to the hall and and and I should say one thing that was very effective I mean Fiona's so fabulous at this there was an image of a fluffy cloud like the transitions you might wonder about all these transitions but every time we were sort of moving she had be on the fluffy cloud which sounds odd as I'm saying it now but it was very effective at the time it was sort of like okay we're gonna transition let's you know you're in you're you're in this safe and come saying like let's move and so that's how she would move me between these different places so we hopped on the cloud we went back to the hall of doors and this time I mean it all seemed very nice and I and it was like I was you know sitting in the seat like what's gonna happen next um and but we came to something that wasn't a door it was a tunnel and it was like stone and it was lit by a torch inside and she said do you want to go down it and I'm like it's gonna take courage or I you know I'm I'm scared and she said okay just take a minute you're safe take some breaths and it was funny I like I physically felt fear in that moment yeah her voice again was magical and I was like okay I can do this I can go and I went forward into this tunnel and what happened next is the thing that really like uh made me such a believer I have gone I I was in the Civil War I mean I I was it was that time it was civil war times you went into a tunnel you came out the I came out and what I saw in front of me was the gray man you know like at the at a campfire and in a in a preciseness and definition of face and form that I've never had in my mind before so it wasn't like the same image here he is it was a living person it was a an an animated you know uh a person and did you feel you were looking at yourself in a previous the thing I because I've always assumed that was me and then a second later I was above him with a sword in my hand and I looked down at my my tunic and I was in blue. I was a union soldier and I was up above him and I like I like on a rock above him I think I later I learned I was on a horse and I killed him whoa right whoa yes and so this is why like this was not my imagination I was not I have believed my whole life that I was and maybe there's another life where I am a Confederate soldier but on this one I was a Union soldier a mounted union soldier and I killed him with a sword and it happened very quickly and suddenly and it surprised the hell out of me like in in in that moment to find out that wait I'm it surprised the hell out of Cynthia or the Union soldier? Uh I think out of Cynthia because I just I was that no no no I hadn't had the story in my head I I just realized that I was not I was not divining this it was something that was being revealed to me.
SPEAKER_05Okay wait can I just so when you first saw the gray man he was sitting around a campfire right and then suddenly it was in the middle of battle.
SPEAKER_03I I think I was a surprise attack. You know what I mean? Like he was at a campfire and we s I quickly came to him because he didn't try to fight me. He he he That's all messed up well and that's and that's it I think I and I I I didn't I start crying I mean that that I remember like or I there was some strong emotion with there were there were some there were some very very strong emotions and you just kept saying he was so perfect.
SPEAKER_02He was so perfect he was so pristine like so do you feel that was like that was a big thing.
SPEAKER_04Do you feel like there was regret like from the part point of view of the union soldier for what you I think that I what I began saying is that this is my first kill.
SPEAKER_03I think that he was my sounded I think he was the first person that I had killed.
SPEAKER_05And it was kind of a shocking experience for that.
SPEAKER_03It was shocking and it wasn't and I and maybe to the fact that I surprised him and he was pristine and I you know made him less so yeah made him less so did and the emotion that you that came over you repeat that no I think I think it was one you know Cynthia being surprised like wait a second this isn't the way I thought the story went went or was going to go and and then just like this re remorse or regret over or just the shock of killing someone must be like overwhelming. It was a very strong motion and and and it was so interesting to feel emotion so acutely in this state of a of a story that you know I was suddenly in the story or I was I was definitely the union soldier it wasn't like a s I it wasn't something I was seeing on a screen. I was it was definitely I was in it I was taking an active role I was I was shown this vignette of my life right but as opposed to just knowing that it had happened or seeing it in the after effect you were I experienced I had the experience of it. And did did the experience with Fiona then continue past that yeah and I can't remember how we transitioned from that to the so we we experienced everything we could around that and then I said do you want to go on and see what happens later in his life.
SPEAKER_02So we took the fluffy cloud again the cloud taxi to um the next important experience and it was after the war you were older you you survived the war right and you didn't feel as much remorse you kind of had gotten over it it was war you had to do it you probably killed lots of others as well and you were just kind of happily um living your life with your with your wife in your little place you had a bit of land.
SPEAKER_05Yeah yeah what what do you remember from that?
SPEAKER_03Well it was it was I was it was contentment and I think resolution that no I had to the remorse or the the pain of killing him had subsided. Right and like Sviana was saying like I I think some rec recognition and perhaps I was telling my wife the story I don't know but I was very content in that moment I had done my job and I could share it. And now you were like living as a farmer or yeah I think I was definitely like kind of in the cabin I had a pipe I had a pipe I was a smoker always you know and probably mid you know midlife and and and and the realization like oh I lived oh I survived. Again this wasn't something that I expected either. So um that was brief. I didn't feel like there was a lot like once I had had the realization yeah remorse was over I survived the war I lived past the war and I smoked pipes and my wife my wife was not that attractive but it was she was she was kind of she seemed anyway so you love her? I'm sure I did I was very content with her I was very content to content in that moment. But then Fiona said you know shall we see how this one ends I asked you to die in a nicely asked and what happened and so then I was outside of my cabin in and I finally changed clothes. I was in a brown plaid shirt had my hat on and uh you know it was working and I immediately I I had a heart attack I felt this sharp pain in my chest. How old were you do you think 40 50 you know um it again didn't seem tragic or sad I like went down oh you know gone or you knew you were dying yeah I wasn't I was again I wasn't that afraid of just like oh that hurts but it was fast and it was over quickly.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_03And and fell to the ground.
SPEAKER_02Did you in Cynthia feel the feel something I did not I didn't know I didn't I didn't feel that I don't glad you didn't kill her in in this life feeling well what was funny was right was right before she got the heart attack I felt it.
SPEAKER_03I was like oh this guy he's dying of a heart attack and probably in the probably in the recording you see my face go like I'm like oh yeah right in this but uh so again like no fear didn't hurt pretty comfortable and I just melted into the ground I became a I don't know a gas a you know a liquid or something and I had this really interesting image like like nourishing the earth or I looked up at the earth and everything was so green and lush and I love nature and gardening and I thought God this is such a cool you know this is really cool to be able to see this.
SPEAKER_05And you didn't follow this one into the oh no we did.
SPEAKER_03Oh yes yes yes yes I know I know it's it's crazy to rec to recount I sound nuts but um pretty soon the substance or whatever I was started going up into the soul of the soul this gas I mean we weren't on the fluffy cloud but we were going through the clouds and it was sort of became a gold stream a goldish stream and I was getting further away I was going through the clouds and above them and I noticed once I got above the clouds I noticed that there were other gold streams all going up to something and then the next reveal was this sense like oh my god that's God like I was I and and this welcoming like this sense of like incredible love and welcoming and like I had landed in the receiving room of heaven. Was it just a feeling or was it no then there was like as I said vacation Bible school God. I mean it was a white man with a white beard no really there was a lot of white a lot of white and extended you know arms but again just this overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance and beauty and uh like it was just all it was so beautiful. It was truly and you were really like bathed in that experience completely yes yes I've you know if you had told me that there was a bright light shining on my head I I it just was so real.
SPEAKER_05I think just a because I think people will bump on this idea that there's a thing. But I just want to say that I think we all use the symbols that we've all been sort of weaned on you know or trained on we sort of those are the symbols that you know so it seems very natural to me that you would use this sort of Christian well and and again back to a thing that you know it I think that God can take human form to relate.
SPEAKER_03And at this first moment of your first introduction to heaven you've been a farmer five minutes before like it's kind of nice to have familiar vacation Bible school God.
SPEAKER_05You know I can I can mature beyond that and and you know pass the receiving room you know like so you are in this presence of this being basically energy sort of and you were there were others.
SPEAKER_03There were others and not not that you could see faces but my sense was there were other because again I was in some sort of gas form or whatever non form but the sense that this is a a natural progression that everyone makes and we all this is where we start um and it was and it was really lovely.
SPEAKER_02I don't even remember how that ended how did that end how did where did that you know what I think I think we just we stayed with it for as long I said take all the time you need with God you know enjoy that because it's so powerful. And it's so true like like that man when he died his belief was I'm going to heaven or hell that he didn't know about Buddha or source energy. He only knew about God or maybe Satan right so of course that's gonna be you know his experience like everyone's experience is different you know and even like some people that aren't religious will see God. Some people that are religious will just see a some beings of light or whatever. Like it's just God is the name and the description we think it looks like you know a massive Charlton Heston as compared to the smaller Jesus Charlton Heston looking guy right so like it's but the energy of it and the emotion of it is I see it with people all of the time. Like when people are afraid to die I'm like please if you're afraid to die have a past life regression because then you know like I used to be afraid to die when I was young. I was like it was a phobia. And when I started having like some past life experiences I'm only afraid of maybe being in diapers being in an old folks home with bad food is like my worst kind of fear. But dying no no no fear.
SPEAKER_03Yeah I agree that's been one of the things I thought about since we since this session is yeah you know I really am less I I fear dying I know yeah um and caught by the way when when it comes you maybe but uh that but that's amazing that's yeah no it was uh well because I wanted to ask you so you're actually getting into it I want to say you've taken so much information you had these paradigms about this gray man and all these things and and then you get this other experience which so what's so fun about this is you feel the authenticity of that of that information.
SPEAKER_05And it's only been a couple days but how does this connect to your current life you know how does how does it impact you and you just mentioned one very significant thing which is you no longer it was just it was pleasant to see how easy it was how easy it was to just give up the body.
SPEAKER_03Because you know that's the other thing like you know you're dying the body's dying like I still was felt very much alive in those you know conscious I guess in in those situations. Um one thing that's interesting and just the last part of the regression so after I don't at some point Fiona took me back to the safe place where we started and and I don't know If the gray man, if we invited him there or he was just there waiting for me. I kind of can't remember that part.
SPEAKER_02We we wanted well because because you kept seeing him throughout your life, I felt like he might have a little attachment or entanglement with you. Just because like you kept seeing him, there's something there. So instead of just exiting the whole session, I said, let's take a couple of minutes to just reconnect with him, just to make sure that, you know, everything's clear and you're not, you know, holding on in some way. So he went to the safe place. We invited him in and he showed up.
SPEAKER_03I don't know. And he was pristine again. He had been r restored and he was, you know, youthful and beautiful. And I had a sense that he no longer he he did not bear me any ill ill I he'd forgiven me or whatever was was necessary in that moment. And there was peace in in in being with him. Uh if you want to say, ask him what his name is. And uh his name was Joshua. Like I asked him, and he said Joshua, and then I and she is asking if you'll see him again. And I asked him and he said, You might, kind of like laughing, you might, you might. So um I only tell that part of the story because uh it'll be interesting to see if I have images of the gray man again in my life.
SPEAKER_05You know, if I'll have that if if this soul has incarnated in some other way that will intersect with your life or other lives.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_05Were there any people in these lives that you experience that you feel are present in your current life?
SPEAKER_03You know, the only question I have is whether or not the young man in my in the first situation is my is Alan, is my current husband, because I had this you know incredible love for this person and you know clear um intimacy and and so that's that's the thing.
SPEAKER_05But in general, the other thing is And what's your answer to that just gut feeling?
SPEAKER_03I I'd like to think yes. I mean he and I often he right similarly believes in past lives, so I'd I'd like to think that um Alan believes in past life? Yeah, he has a sense of it too. I know that. Yeah, yeah. And you know, our wedding vows were for time and eternity. We borrowed borrowed that line as opposed till death do his part. And so I don't know. I'd kind of yeah, I'd kind of like to think.
SPEAKER_05All right, so but let's get back to that question. I know it's only been a couple days, but uh are there other ways in which you feel like this information um informs your current life, or maybe I think I'm taking it in.
SPEAKER_03I mean, the the overwhelming feeling I have is just the the pleasure in having this very personal proof point that spirituality is this kind of wider band of of experience and practice and and and and feeling, and I I'm so curious to know more. Yeah, right. I think well I'm sorry, but no, no, no, like uh in different faith practices and and and who who have been embraced this, uh you know, I want to understand the traditional reincarnation, you know, thinking. And so it was it was like I said, I I feel like I embarked on a new practice that I want to you know get better at and and develop more.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, create that's a huge change.
SPEAKER_03No, but yeah, it it created just increment incredible curiosity. Yeah. And because it was such a profound experience and and it was like a a point of faith. Like oh, I you know, I think this is the case, but now I've had this experience, and I my faith is so in the fact that you know past lives exist is so profound now because I've had this experience.
SPEAKER_05And it's really you're not just talking about past lives, you're just talking there is a bigger spiritual story out there, and I, Cynthia, am curious. I want to explore more and more. Exactly, exactly. Bigger than that little story I had when I was at Yeah, no, exactly.
SPEAKER_03It's not in like the octopus analogy, uh spirit, faith, energy, a lot of words. Like I'm down here in the tentacle, and I just I I know that I could I want to try to access that in this life, right? And I know I won't get there, but I just want to know. No, but I I just I want to know, I want to know more.
SPEAKER_05You want to know more? I think I want to know more is the basis of uh every great spiritual journey. It's the same basis of the enlightened masters. I want to know more. So when you say I will never get there, you don't know that.
SPEAKER_03No, it's true. I just think I'm a very I'm a neophyte on this, and I'm getting started, you know, at this point in my life, but um so open to the possibilities, and so that's why I'm so grateful for this opportunity to both of you, because I just feel like I jumpstarted. You know, I just it's it's something it'd be an intellectual curiosity, but once you've had real emotion in your heart around it, like I wonder if you might eventually change that point of view.
SPEAKER_05This whole neophyte jump start thing. I said at the beginning of the show, I asked you because I felt you had a deep spiritual connection. You know, I sensed that. And you keep on putting yourself in this tiny little box of I know nothing, I'm just a beginner.
SPEAKER_06Oh, we'll see.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, well, or maybe reconsider that because maybe uh maybe that's not quite the truth. Anyway, thank you so much for doing that. What do you mean?
SPEAKER_02Thank you.
SPEAKER_05It was an incredible story. It really was an incredible story.
SPEAKER_02And I just want so beautiful.
SPEAKER_05I want to thank Fiona. I think Fiona is so talented and so thank you gifted at creating this environment for you to have this profound experience. So um grateful to you. It's a real talent.
SPEAKER_03I'm so grateful, Fiona. I mean, really, life, I hate to use the word life changing lightly, but you've really opened a path and and I did so many things, and I'm just so grateful. You did it with such grace and tenderness, and I was I was it was it was so safe. You made me feel very safe, and so I'm glad that I was on that journey with you. So thank you.
SPEAKER_02I do have to say you were really easy to work with, so you made it you made it really easy as well.
SPEAKER_05Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for doing this. What a pleasure. Thanks, Bianca.
SPEAKER_01This was fun.
SPEAKER_05If you enjoyed this episode, please be sure to subscribe to Realization Lab on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.