Marriage Hot Takes
Marriage Hot Takes is a podcast where Aaron and Kim Degler have honest, practical conversations about what really makes marriage work — the good, the hard, and everything in between. With bold truth, real-life experience, and a foundation of faith, they challenge couples to grow, communicate better, and choose each other every day.
Marriage Hot Takes
Ep 2: How Opposite Love Languages Spark Fights And How To Fix Them
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We share how opposite love languages fueled years of missed signals and how small, steady changes turned conflict into connection. Clear steps, honest stories, and a simple hot take: love languages are effort languages.
• five love languages explained and contrasted
• opposite styles creating repeated hurt
• translating gestures so they actually land
• public affection vs private comfort
• gifts as thoughtfulness, not expense
• listening first and using the five‑second pause
• separating being right from being effective
• daily rituals and our signed commitment
• applying love languages with kids
• hot take: love languages are effort languages
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Welcome And Purpose
SPEAKER_01Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.
SPEAKER_02We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.
SPEAKER_01This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.
SPEAKER_02It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.
SPEAKER_01We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.
SPEAKER_02So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone.
SPEAKER_01Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome to Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Aaron Degler, along with my wife Kim Degler. We are here each week to just share a little bit about our marriage, some of the takeaways from it, and to leave you each week with a hot take that you can apply to your marriage and start making a hot difference uh with it. Just you know, that's pretty good, huh?
SPEAKER_02Hot difference.
SPEAKER_01So if your first time, sometimes uh you just never know what you get from the uh wild card over here. Uh what might uh be said, and uh you just never know. Uh yeah.
The Five Love Languages Overview
SPEAKER_01So we're just gonna talk a little bit about one of the probably one of the biggest challenges in relationships and marriages. Definitely one we've had to work on um immensely. Um and and we used to have a lot of arguments, um heated, heated arguments, um, until really about what five years ago. The kids moved out. Yeah, so about five years ago when we when we took a love language test. Um and the so if you haven't ever done a love language test, you can do it. Um there's an online, it's super easy to do.
SPEAKER_02It's online or I mean you can find it anywhere. You can find it.
SPEAKER_01Just Google it. Google love languages. Um and so the five love languages are you know those.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh. Words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and um words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical and gifts. How could I forget?
SPEAKER_01Gifts. And so the interesting thing, we took that.
SPEAKER_02Yes. We've taken it a couple
Opposite Love Languages Revealed
SPEAKER_02of times.
SPEAKER_01We've taken it a couple times. It really hadn't changed. No. Um, not at all. Not at all. And interesting, my number one love language is acts of service. Your number one love language is physical touch. Physical touch. And my second one my number five is physical touch. And your number five is Acts of Service. To care less. Yep.
SPEAKER_02Um, so and number two for me is gifts, and that's the the second to bottom for you.
SPEAKER_01Second to bottom for me. And when we took that, we started to understand why we were having conflict.
SPEAKER_02Right. Because statistically, very good. Thanks. You will love your partner the way you want to be loved. So I wanted to be touched, so I'm always trying to touch you and and couldn't understand why you didn't respond in the way that I felt you should.
SPEAKER_01Because then a lot of times you go, Well, do you love me? Yes. Well, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I mean, or like if I want to I want to rub things like your hand, or you know, if my leg and he's immediately, okay, that's enough. Stop doing that. Like it's irritating to him, and that would hurt my feelings a lot.
SPEAKER_01And then if you want to touch me in public, that's a no-go.
SPEAKER_02No go, ghostwriter. Don't we do not we're not touching each other in the public.
SPEAKER_01Holding hands. I mean, hold hands. I've gotten better.
SPEAKER_02You've gotten better.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. Well, hold hands.
SPEAKER_02But
Misfires: Touch Vs Acts Of Service
SPEAKER_02that physical touch in in the public eyes, and and that was not the way I was raised. I was not raised that way. We they were more huggy.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Like I don't even really hug anybody.
SPEAKER_02No, and I came from a real huggy family, and um just have a seat there, yeah.
SPEAKER_01If you're watching us on YouTube, you probably see our big dog right in the middle of it. Yeah. Just taking off the camera.
SPEAKER_02And so that was a huge adjustment for me. And so that if you don't know, I mean, like, it would just hurt my feelings that you weren't responding in the way I was loving you, and I was not responding in the way you were loving me, because you could have done all the things for me, and I would have been like, Yeah, well, good try.
SPEAKER_01Because I thought that's what it was. And and then, and you weren't, I mean, acts of service above and beyond.
SPEAKER_02I mean, yeah, I mean, I I do appreciate, you know, doing little things around the house and things like that, but that just does not it's not a big deal to me.
SPEAKER_01And so then when we realized that we were at opposite ends, yeah, and and we had never realized that we were trying to love the other person like we showed love.
SPEAKER_02Like we wanted to be loved.
SPEAKER_01We wanted to be loved. And so that's how we were showing it.
SPEAKER_02Right. Because that's what you know.
SPEAKER_01Because that's what we thought. We didn't know there was other ways.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Four other ways to be exact.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01Um and and so really, it's really about understanding how you feel loved, and then understanding how the other person feels loved, and doing what they feel, loving them in a way that they feel loved.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01Because it really shows an act of caring and understanding when you are loving someone else in a way that that that's how they receive love.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01And so now you're giving love in a way that they receive it. Because you might have been given it in your in what you thought was love. Right.
SPEAKER_02But to them, I couldn't understand why you would not want to hold my hand.
SPEAKER_01And that's why you're not.
SPEAKER_02Or always be touching me.
SPEAKER_01And you asked me, Well, do you love me? Do you love me? I'm like, well, why? I've done all these things for you.
SPEAKER_02Because you've done nothing for me.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02That's the way I felt. Yeah. I had to ask because I couldn't tell.
SPEAKER_01And so it so for me, it's not a um it's not go. That's a tangle, not to you. Uh so so it really has to be a uh real effort for me to think about um loving you in that way. Because it so touch doesn't come naturally for me.
SPEAKER_02At all. Like in my opinion, if you're in the vehicle and we're both sitting in the front seat, there would be no reason why we would not be holding hands the entire trip. And that is a real effort for you.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02Like I will have to reach over to get
Public Affection And Family Norms
SPEAKER_02your hand. And then we only do that for a little bit. I need my hand back then.
SPEAKER_01Then back 10 and 2.
SPEAKER_02Yes. Yes.
SPEAKER_01It's just, yeah. And part of it is too, then, um, of both of us understanding that of the other person. Right. So then when I go 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, you don't get upset.
SPEAKER_02I don't think. I wonder what I just did. What did I squeeze his hand too hard? Or did he get mad about something I did last week? Or I mean, why all of a sudden does he not want to hold my hand? He probably something happened. He thought of something, and it's not that at all. It's that, okay, there's enough of that.
SPEAKER_01So and if I sometimes if I get upset about, well, why didn't she do that? It's because it's not something you would think of doing for me. Because to me, so active or touch for you shows love. If you do something for me, that makes me feel like, okay, she took the time to do it, and I don't have to do it. And so that means a lot. And so that had that's you because that doesn't come naturally for you.
SPEAKER_03No, no.
SPEAKER_01And so I have to know that if she didn't do something for me that maybe I expected or thought she should, that that was never your expectation. Right. That was just mine. And so I go, well, that's not her love language, and so that doesn't come natural. Mm-hmm. Right. And and really it saves a lot of discussions and arguments because we kind of stopped that before we ever started it. Right. And then I know, you know, if if I go do a bunch of acts of service for you, that's not gonna mean near as much as if I if I hold your hand while giving you a gift.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm. Yes, please do that.
SPEAKER_01I mean, that's gonna be every day. Every day. That's gonna be more meaningful to you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And you know, at first when we did that, and and I mean, I would I wasn't surprised by my love languages, but at the same time, I think that some people think, oh my gosh, how shallow that you feel love by getting gifts. But it's not necessarily a big extravagant gift. It's just that whole thought of in my eyes, I thought of you and I got this for you. It could be a snack, you know. I love a snack. Um, it could be anything. I'm just a little surprise. I I I can remember always used to say as a joke, but not really. Do you bring me a surprise home? And he didn't. And you know, I would always think, well, if I just kept asking, then he would bring me a surprise home. Where that would never be on your radar.
SPEAKER_01And and and so then, too, when you would do that, then it would give me like some anxiety and worry, like, what should I do? I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing enough. And I don't know what to get. I don't know what to get, I don't know what to do. And then I would come home kind of grumpy. Very because of thinking, well, why'd you put me on the spot like that? I was on my way home from work. Where am I gonna stop? What am I gonna do? Yeah. And I thought, all these things.
SPEAKER_02Yes. Whereas I said it just kind of more as a joke, but probably at the same time thought maybe he will stop and get me something. But once we realized it was we were on opposite ends, that we were just gonna have to meet it in the middle of no, when I do an act of service
Reframing Hurt And Expectations
SPEAKER_02for you, that's a huge deal. And if you were to get me a gift or sit in the chair with me, that's a huge deal for you. Or even better, if we were in public and you put your arm around me, even bigger, that would be huge. But we just had you have to learn those things. And and you can do those love language tests even with your kids to know how how to better serve your children as well. I mean, once you know your kids' love language, it kind of will change that communication as well.
SPEAKER_01It could be affection.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it could. And maybe you're not affection.
SPEAKER_01Maybe you're bringing them all these stuffs or buying them all or doing all these things and go, I'm doing everything for them. I don't know why this kid is, you know, not feeling loved. And then you realize they just want some more hugs, they want some more attention, um, words of affirmation. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I mean, your second one is words of affirmation.
SPEAKER_01And it just makes um a big difference. I mean, our our relationship over the last five years, um, of being married for almost 22 years. Um, and so I mean, what was that? 17 years? We went 17 years um really having a lot of arguments, and if we think about those, a lot of them revolved around not knowing each other's love language.
SPEAKER_02And not communicating.
SPEAKER_01And not communicating. Um and because the love language, I think, is in the the first way to show is to show love. Um, but it's also part of communication.
SPEAKER_02Right. Um, just like you sharing that like I'm driving home from work and now this creates all this anxiety. Well, you would never have came home and told me that at that time because there was a lack of communication all around. So um, you know, it's a communication. You're gonna have to communicate with each other to kind of know where the other one's coming from.
SPEAKER_01And and communication thinks important, it doesn't mean right or wrong.
SPEAKER_02That's correct.
SPEAKER_01Even though you want to say I'm always right.
SPEAKER_03I mean, I'm would probably be right, but you're right. It is not always about right or wrong.
SPEAKER_01It's about what being a listener and and and also speaking. And also a communication means coming from a place of understanding. It doesn't mean that there's right or wrong. We may still disagree with each other, but we then know where the other one's coming from. Right. And and so we then we can we can have that disagree with each other, understand where the other one's coming from without having emotions tied behind it. I'm I'm mad at you, I'm upset with you, um, I'm angry at you, because we simply understand where the other person is coming from. Right. And we come together later, but at the moment, it really is sometimes just about a place of understanding.
SPEAKER_02Yes, for sure.
Practical Adjustments That Helped
SPEAKER_01And communication is really how do you, you know, if you do you have to speak more or listen more to be a good communicator?
SPEAKER_02You have to listen more.
SPEAKER_01Listen more. You have two ears, two ears, one mouth. Um, and it really is I want to hear what you're saying.
SPEAKER_02Right. And I think sometimes when you're in those moments, you really have to take a a moment to think, what are they saying? Because normally during an argument, and I'm I'm just gonna say, like, if we were to argue, I when you're saying things, I'm already thinking of well, what I'm about to say, because I'm gonna debunk what you just said. And I'm not even really listening to what you're saying because I'm preparing my comeback in my head. So if you would actually just take that moment to oh, that's what they're saying. Okay, give me a second.
SPEAKER_01And then and then allow the other person to pause before they respond. Yes.
SPEAKER_02So then that way you do know that they are actively because once it comes out of your mouth, it's out and you can't put it back in.
SPEAKER_01It doesn't work. Not like a boomerang.
SPEAKER_02No, it doesn't come back.
SPEAKER_01It doesn't come back to you and you get to keep it. No.
SPEAKER_02Um, there was a song about that once. It was called My Boomerang Won't Come Back. It's probably from the 1960s. Sorry. There is. I'll let I'll let you listen to it when we get done.
SPEAKER_01My boomerang will come back.
SPEAKER_02My boomerang won't come back. I could sing it, but y'all don't want me to do that. But it's like a real folksy type song. Hmm.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_02Do any of our listeners know my boomerang won't come back? I really want to sing it so bad, but I won't.
SPEAKER_01Okay, that's probably good.
SPEAKER_02I have a mic.
SPEAKER_01To the world. Anyhow. Boomerang coming back. Once words are out, yes, they don't come back. And sometimes, really, in communication, that pause is so important. That five-second pause.
SPEAKER_02It's just sometimes it could just even be two seconds. Sometimes you just need to I need to think about my words.
SPEAKER_01And I think when we say communication, we we're really talking about effective communication. Right. Um, because so many people say, Well, we communicate, yeah, but it's not effective communication.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And effective communication comes from listening and understanding of the other person and giving them time to talk, a space to talk, um, to be able to feel heard.
SPEAKER_02And to be heard.
SPEAKER_01And to be heard. Um, because that's just super important.
Gifts, Thoughtfulness, And Anxiety Loops
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and not to just be shut down because at that moment you feel like what you said was not valid.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. And and then so then then what happens over years?
SPEAKER_02That just keeps building, and you just keep storing those blocks, and they just keep building up until you have a whole wall up, and then you think it doesn't matter. I'm gonna shut you, whatever, whatever we want to say.
SPEAKER_01Did anything I say, you're gonna shut me down.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, anything I'm gonna say, you have a comeback for, or you have something better to say, and it just doesn't ever work.
SPEAKER_01And so a lot of relationship marriage problems that are communication problems didn't happen overnight. It was those small things of early on maybe getting shut down and not listening. And and then so we're we're humans. So you go, well, why would I tell him or her that if she or or he's gonna shut me down?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Or if I've told him and I've told him and I've told him and nothing changed, why would I continue to tell them?
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And and so it's just it just takes time. And and if you are not effective communicators and maybe you're having challenges in your marriage right now, um, that's a great place to start. Love languages. Is love languages. Um, because again, it opens up the doors for conversation.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Um obviously, because when we realized that we were comp hello. Exact opp sorry about that. Exact opposites. Um, well, that was a I mean, it was a big talk and a big eye-opener.
SPEAKER_01And we really were then we're intentional about because then then when we can then intentionally love the person in the way they do, we start to realize we can communicate better. And so it just kind of starts coming naturally how we can do that. But again, it's five years later um since we took that, and we still work on it. Yeah, like it's still an act of thought for me.
SPEAKER_02Yes, it is. It so much so that we just made a commitment to each other. And one of those things is be excited, be excited to see the other person, see the other person because he's horrible about just me walking in somewhere.
SPEAKER_01Well, well, now usually it's because I'm at work.
SPEAKER_02I I agree.
SPEAKER_01So we have a uh fitness studio that's all female. And so if I'm in the in all female, all female, doing a class um training, anything like that. Usually you come in, I think I'm working.
SPEAKER_02And so we made Yes, because I feel like when I come in, it should be like, Hi, how are you? Or like I'm so excited, like the facial expression should change and you should light up. Like I light up the world. And I would feel like it would be like this. He's still over there
Meeting In The Middle At Home And Public
SPEAKER_02teaching. And now you're gonna go to uh and he would just keep on. And I and and so the one of our commitments that we made to each other was to be excited, and in the same time, like when you come home at night, you know, sometimes I'm like excited for each other, not just me.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_02I'm not necessarily I mean, like, I'm kind of already in my chill down time. And when you come in, it's I have to to really think about, hey, how was your day? And forget the fact that I've been here all day. And so it was mutually that I feel like the other one kind of thought, well, I'm right here. Hi.
SPEAKER_01Uh on both, yeah, on both places, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So and and so that was part of uh our new year's uh reset for our commitment to our marriage. We there's about five or six things on there. We made a contract and we signed it and date it, and we put it in a frame and sitting in our on our bathroom counter, so we see it.
SPEAKER_02Every day.
SPEAKER_01Every day. Um and really and I I mean, the first day uh she came in and looked at me and I was like I was waiting for the big excitement. I mean I forgot on day one.
SPEAKER_02Day one, and I had to say, Yeah, hey, hey boy.
SPEAKER_01And so the second day when she came in, um, we're having classes over the microphone. I said, Hey Kim.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just those little things. It's fun. And we make it fun, yeah. Yeah, because we have to make it fun because to me, that sets up my day. You've already been at it for a while, but that's my first, you know.
SPEAKER_01It's kind of the start of your day. We've already been at it for maybe a couple hours or yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um and so again, it just takes work.
SPEAKER_02I mean, we're and those are silly things that we just did.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And it's silly to other people, but and it is silly to us, but that's what makes it fun because it makes us remember to be still 21, almost 22 years later, to still be excited when that when our favorite person walks in the door.
SPEAKER_01Um, because because we'll both say she doesn't Kim doesn't have the best husband, and I don't have the best wife.
SPEAKER_02I mean. But but you are my favorite husband.
SPEAKER_00And you are my favorite wife.
SPEAKER_02That's right. Because best and favorite are two different things.
SPEAKER_00What's the difference?
SPEAKER_02Well, anybody can say vanilla bean ice cream is the best ice cream.
SPEAKER_00And I can say I like chocolate.
SPEAKER_02And you somebody can argue that point of well, not really, because I like strawberry. But if I were to say vanilla bean ice cream is my favorite ice cream,
Applying Love Languages With Kids
SPEAKER_02Well, who's to say it's not? They can't say, Oh. I mean, they just go, Oh, okay, well, chocolate is my favorite. Well, great. You have your favorite and I have mine.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02And you are my favorite.
SPEAKER_00And you're my favorite.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So we're not the I'm I mean, I may not. I mean, I may be the best wife, but I may not. But I am just wife.
SPEAKER_01My favorite. That's right.
SPEAKER_02Um little things that we learn throughout the years. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's little word choices that we do, and just little things that I mean, you'll find as you listen in each week, we're kind of we could do some goofy things, um, but makes us laugh. It makes us smile.
SPEAKER_02We do laugh a lot.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um, we both say we're the most fun couple we know.
SPEAKER_02We are.
SPEAKER_01We just yeah, we have a lot of laughs together. And probably if you asked other people, we're pretty boring.
SPEAKER_02We are very boring. Our kids would think we're boring, our friends think we're boring, but we really do laugh a lot at each other.
SPEAKER_01And we have a good time. Um, but it's taken a lot of years.
SPEAKER_02It has. We didn't used to go to bed and laugh at the day or the things that we would say to each other.
SPEAKER_01We'd go to bed mad and rolled over. And yeah. And most every night we have a big belly laugh. Something happens. I don't know. Usually something happens that we laugh and it's funny, and that's what we go to bed too. Yep. Um, so uh we've worked on communication. Um, and each week we want to leave you with a hot take that you can take with you. Um, and Kim is the hot take girl. Um, we don't script anything, but the hot take is the one thing we do because she's in charge of it, and we do not want her going off that script.
SPEAKER_02No, we don't. The hot take for today is love languages are effort languages. If you put an effort to learn my love language and then you love me in that way, then I know that you put in effort. That's good. Thanks. I didn't have all that scripted, just the first part I added to it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. That's good. Um, so it really does. It shows when the love language shows an effort. Um, and I think sometimes a lot of times that's where marriages start to get in trouble is when there's a lack of effort. A lack of effort. Um and a lack of response. Um and that goes for both parts. There's no no one that's not every it's a two-party.
Seventeen Years To A Turning Point
SPEAKER_01It's a two-person party.
SPEAKER_02It is a two-person party.
SPEAKER_01And if only one person is working at the party, the party's gonna not go so well.
SPEAKER_02It's not gonna be a fun party, right?
SPEAKER_01No. So it's gotta be a two-person party. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Um so your hot take is um love languages, it's the effort that goes into your marriage. So um go out there and take that love language. And I encourage you and your spouse to take those love languages, uh, test. You can find them anywhere, just Google it and see. And I think you'll be very interested to find if you've been having communication problems over the years. Um, doesn't matter if you've been married five years or 30 years, take it and see where you're at and see how you can improve no matter where you're at, you'll be able to improve um. And love your spouse that way. And love your spouse in their way that they not yours. Not yours in their way. So, um, and that will help improve communication. So thank you, each of you, for joining us on Marriage Hot Takes, and we look forward to seeing you right here in the next episode.
SPEAKER_02Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.
SPEAKER_01We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.
SPEAKER_02Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment, they're built in small, intentional choices made every day. If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.
SPEAKER_01And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.