Ep 3: We Are Still Married, But to Different People

We share why our marriage works today because we didn’t stay who we were 22 years ago. From survival mode and blended family tensions to faith habits, community, and better communication, we show how small choices helped us become new versions of ourselves.

• starting with the hot take and why growth matters
• second marriages, JP ceremony, and early assumptions
• survival years with four kids and limited margin
• identity beyond parenting and empty nest anxiety
• women’s community, guys’ friendships, and support
• daily faith rhythms and the “incinerator prayer”
• moving from jealousy and temper to trust and calm
• practical communication shifts that prevent blowups
• blended family unity and “same team” mindset
• shared goals, consistent language, and repair over blame
• lifelong growth as the engine of a lasting marriage

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Transcript

Welcome And Hot Take Reveal

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_04 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

SPEAKER_04 0:18

It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_04 0:31

So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Aaron Degler, along with my wife, Kim Degler. Thank you for joining us today. What we like to do each week is just share a little insight, a little thought. We've been married for 22 years, almost 22 years, and we just like to share uh some of our knowledge and wisdom from those 22 years. Not all good. Um, some good, some great, uh, but we've realized that just we want to share those things uh because we realize that many couples go through that, but very seldom do they talk about it. So each week we usually end with a hot take that you can take with you. But this week we're gonna start with the hot take and work from there. And Kim's got the hot take. And so we don't script any of this, um, but the hot take she does read um so it all the words come out right because sometimes they don't they don't this week's hot take.

Second Marriages And JP Backstory

SPEAKER_04 1:34

We are still married, but to different people, and that is very true.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

That sounds scandalous.

SPEAKER_04 1:43

Scandalous. We are married, just not to to the same people, to the same people.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

So, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_04 1:51

Uh it means we've had to grow and become different people.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Means we are married to each other, we are married to each other. Um, but marriage on day one looks a lot different. Yeah, um both of us, this is our second marriage.

SPEAKER_04 2:06

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

Um, both of us had big weddings the first time. Um, all the things back in the day when you had in a church.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

Yep, church. When you just had punch and cake, didn't have big food. We just had cake and punch and big old dress.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

And a mints. Don't forget the mints. The butter mints. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:25

And nuts.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

And nuts.

SPEAKER_04 2:26

Yeah. Those are the weddings that we had. But not to each other.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Not to each other. So the second time. Or the second time. The first we we've we married each other just one time. Um, but we got married at a JP.

SPEAKER_05 2:40

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Um, I always joke with her, it's the best $40 ever spent.

SPEAKER_04 2:44

I told somebody this week I thought it was $14. I'm gonna have to go back and say that. We're not that old. I know, but it was Kelly, and she s told everybody that her mom had married us. Oh, uh-huh. And I said, Yeah, and I think that we're one of the only few couples that are still married that she had married. And I said, I he says it's the best $14 you ever spent. That'd be cool. I guess it was $40. I didn't know I was so expensive.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Yeah. So I and so actually what she's talking about is the JP, um, she still lives in our town and we see her um quite often. And um, she had mentioned to me not too long ago that we were one of two or four.

SPEAKER_04 3:19

Ace, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Either two or either two or four couples that she married that are still together.

SPEAKER_04 3:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Um, and she was a JP for quite a while. Yeah. Um, so it's I mean, it's it's really interesting. It's kind of sad. Um, and so because of that really is too why we're doing this, you know, we so we can share those things.

Early Years In Survival Mode

SPEAKER_00 3:36

But um I I mean, the those two 28-year-olds standing in front of the JP.

SPEAKER_03 3:42

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Yeah, we were 28. 28. Yeah. Um those two standing in front of the JP at 28 with our our kids, our four kids around us, because we're blended family, um, they were way different than the two people sitting here um sharing this conversation.

SPEAKER_04 4:00

Well, and I even wrote you a note this week that even said in the note that when we stood before the JP and made that commitment to each other, I don't think I really thought too much of what that commitment would be. I just knew that we were going through this formality to get married and become a family. Um but now I know that that commitment was I mean, we were committed. We are committed.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

But but we never really looked at I mean, we never looked 22 years down the road.

SPEAKER_05 4:37

No.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

It was it won't I mean I mean honestly, we probably didn't really even look for our kids. It was a lot of just for you and I was pretty much. Yeah, we were very selfish. Very selfish.

SPEAKER_05 4:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

Um you know, there's there's probably a gazillion reasons why we shouldn't have gotten married, and and and many people share the gazillion reasons with us.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

Yeah, we knew.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

Um but so we are we are very different um people. Um and it's not it's not it and well, you're 22 years older, so of course you should be different, but it's not the age that I mean that has No, it's that we chose that we were going to we were we were gonna be married.

SPEAKER_04 5:26

We knew that, but as time went on, we could either be married and not like each other, or be married and like each other. And we wanted the latter. So to do that, we were both gonna need to change.

SPEAKER_00 5:46

Yes. And and I don't know, I mean what do you say we worked on the first 10 years of changing?

SPEAKER_04 5:54

No, we were just surviving.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:56

I I really honestly think we I mean we had little kids. They were we were in survival mode. I mean, uh there's no we weren't working on anything other than just surviving with our kids and getting them where they needed to be and try to make a living. I mean, it's expensive to have four kids. And I worked full time then and late hours, and you lived the life of leisure most of the time then.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

I worked full-time.

SPEAKER_04 6:23

Oh, okay. Maybe you were a student.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

I worked part-time, full yeah.

Finding Community And Identity Beyond Parenting

SPEAKER_00 6:30

So I mean we had a lot of different things going on, um, because there were times when I was working part-time and going to school. There's times when I wasn't, I was working full-time, and then you were, I mean, it there's just a lot of was a lot of things going on, a lot of dynamics, and and there was no time to to sit and think we really need to work on who we are.

SPEAKER_04 6:50

I mean, you hear that a lot now, kids, our kids, and I mean, other, you know, kids that are their age, that millennial age, and are great about going to therapy and talking through things. And we didn't grow up in that age of doing that, but we did realize we needed a we needed to be different.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

And nobody was really talking about it. Nobody was telling us, you know, you need to work on this. And I don't know if we would have listened.

SPEAKER_04 7:19

We wouldn't.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Um we didn't listen to begin with. And so our hope is that maybe that some you might hear this and be in in that in that season that we were in. Maybe you have several kids, maybe it's a blended family, maybe it's a second marriage, maybe it's not, maybe it's just a first marriage, and you still have three or four kids, and or just two.

SPEAKER_05 7:36

Two kids just one kid, one kid or none.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

And and you're thinking, This is this is hard. Um and so hopefully we can share a little bit with you that yes, it is hard, but some things to focus on.

SPEAKER_05 7:47

Right.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Um, because for for our marriage to grow, each one of us had to grow.

SPEAKER_04 7:55

Yes. And someone had to be the first one.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Who's the first one?

SPEAKER_04 8:02

Well, it wasn't me. It was already pretty good.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Huh? I was already pretty good, yes. Yes, you were you're already good. Um but it but it really, I mean, we it I mean it and really it's probably even we've had the most growth probably in the what last um five to seven years.

SPEAKER_04 8:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Um over 22 years. Um and really I would say even more so the last five years.

SPEAKER_04 8:28

Yeah. Well, because there's more room to grow. And and and nothing against having your kids at home. But uh once you're empty nesters, you do have more time to focus on you. Uh your uh we've talked about before, as mom, your identity is your kids.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

And when they leave that it that takes some time to get over to um and and would you might challenge moms that maybe that shouldn't be their identity?

SPEAKER_04 8:56

Yeah, I would say find find a group of of ladies and go do things with them or a hobby of your own, or some sort each week you need to somehow have something for you.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

Yeah, I I was just listening to a uh interview today um with Carl Tucker. Carl Tucker? No. Tucker Carlson. Yes, yes, Tucker Carlson. And he was saying that that him and a group of his buddies from college, he said they made a pact at 19 that every year they would go on a trip together, um, the the five of them, any so anywhere in the world they'd meet up and ha and have a trip together. And he said, they've done that since they were 19, and so they've done that for the last uh

Anxiety, Empty Nest, And Honest Support

SPEAKER_00 9:40

35 years. And he was saying that, and he said, and that was some real heated uh arguments with my wife because he said I was on the road traveling, right? And he said I'd be home for a weekend and I'd say, Hey honey, I'm going to hang out with the boys.

SPEAKER_04 9:54

And he was it was really saying how important that is to have a group of guys because guys have an even more challenging time I would agree of of making friends and yeah, I would agree because I mean I about seven, probably about seven years ago, um I started we my group of friends, we started doing Margarita Monday. And that just started out. We would meet it actually started we were planning a class reunion and we started meeting to plan that, and then that we went after with a class reunion. We wanted to still continue to do that. So we started having margarita Monday. We meet at a local restaurant, have chips and queso. We don't have queso, but we have chips and salsa and eat and have margaritas and are able to just talk about life. We all have we are all empty nesters, and then that turned into but you weren't then. No, we weren't then. Yeah, you still had some kids at home, still had some at home, and then that turned into a girls' trip, and we take a girls' trip every year. And I think it's so important to have that. And just like I also feel the same way about our community of women at our fitness studio that we have, um, it because it gives us something to do, uh something for us. It's an identity that I work out and have this group of like-minded ladies. So even if you can get into something like that, I just think it's important because I just completely poured into everything was about our kids. And when they were gone, uh, I mean, when that first one left took a big toll on me. And uh a big one.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

I mean, because you I mean, really, you can kind of share that. It was um the first one went off to college, and then you had started having some physical health problems. Um, and the doctor even asked, Do you think it he, you know, could it be some anxiety with your son going to college? Oh no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 11:58

It's not that.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Um, and you had all I mean, spent a year testing test after test, just getting thinner and thinner, just couldn't hold anything down, couldn't keep it in. Um until we just found a

Faith Habits And The “Incinerator Prayer”

SPEAKER_00 12:10

doctor that just kind of was more gentle, gentle more gentle with his the way he approached it.

SPEAKER_04 12:15

Bedside manner than most.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

And really just prescribed you and anti anxiety medicine.

SPEAKER_04 12:22

Um said it was for my stomach.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Yeah, and and it imagine that it it calmed everything down.

SPEAKER_04 12:32

And w had again a better bedside manner of ways to explain things.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

And really just it turned out to be anxiety. Anxiety. All because uh I mean the identity was tied into son that is in travel baseball and select baseball and going and doing, and um the first one to go through all the things from prom to graduation to everything, college and everything.

SPEAKER_04 12:56

Yeah, and then that first one leaves and you don't know what to do. It cost him, I mean it did, it was uh it was it was big deal. And so I think it's important that um you aren't I mean that you have something.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

That that that's above and beyond um whether it's and um husbands and wives, either way, and and to be encouraging and supportive of the other person.

SPEAKER_04 13:27

And you were very good at that.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

To know and I think it's easier for us, again, because we're at a different stage. Yes, but but then again, as I think about younger couples, um, that's still important.

SPEAKER_02 13:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

And on each side to encourage your spouse to go hang out with the girls. Yeah, go hang out with the guys because that is needed. Um, and that that for us, we've grown to that point. Um, I I would say in our when we first got married, we would have never that would not have happened. You're going where to do what?

SPEAKER_04 13:59

No, definitely not. And that so I think that you, you know, growth can happen in a lot of different ways. You can go to therapy and you can do different things like that to to grow. I also think, you know, you can um as you do, listen to a lot of podcasts and watch a lot of things and hear a lot of things that are gonna help you with your mindset. Um, you can be in the word more, you know, all those things. But I will say that a lot of my growth just came with meeting with my friends and being able to communicate with them in ways that maybe we don't, it's not necessarily we don't communicate, it's just we communicate differently because I'm with women that are

Personal Growth: Jealousy And Temper

SPEAKER_04 14:50

going through the same things that we're going through, that I'm going through.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

And it's not about necessarily like um was it little rascals? You got me on that one. Uh the women's hater club.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

I have no idea. Oh, I've never watched that. You never watched that? I don't think so.

SPEAKER_00 15:04

With uh is it spank? It's not spanky. It's alfalfa with the little no, it's not with the little spiky, yeah. And and um anyhow, it's Darla. Yeah, and Darla. I think it's a women women's hater club. Um, but but but yeah, it's not that.

SPEAKER_04 15:20

Yeah, it's not like a men's hater club.

SPEAKER_00 15:22

Yeah, it's not getting together and complaining, but it's sharing your struggles, your challenges, and yeah, I mean we can and from a women's woman's perspective, how they handle that, what could they do, advice that's different from a husband?

SPEAKER_04 15:34

Yeah, I mean, there are moments that you know we might cry together, we might laugh together. I mean, it's all different, and they can love me in a way that you may not love me because they can love me from a friendship woman to woman. You love me man to woman, friendship, love, partner.

SPEAKER_00 15:51

And as husband, I go, okay, what do I need to fix it? Right. How do I need to fix it? They're that must be a problem.

SPEAKER_04 15:56

Yeah, because that's your first thing to always say is I'm gonna fix it. I don't need it fixed. I'm not looking for you to tell me how to fix it. I just need to waller in it. And I think sometimes with your girlfriends like that, you can sit and waller and they're gonna just waller with you. Have another margarita. Have another margarita. Let's get another one. Grab a, hey, can you bring us another? And not to where it's to an extent, or you know, that's not the word I'm looking for. Not to where it's to where it's uh too much, too much, whatever that word is. But um just it's different. And so that I think started maybe like my thinking of changing.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

Um and then as you changed, and and then a few years ago, this is your fourth year now. Um you started uh reading the Bible in a year, and so you haven't missed a day in like over a thousand plus days.

SPEAKER_03 16:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

This is your fourth year.

SPEAKER_03 16:48

I've not missed a day.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Um and and that uh and you might say the first year is like I mean, you might not say, Oh, well, it didn't really make a difference. You like I just read it. I read it, but now um from my perspective, I can start to see a difference in what it's how it's changed. Has changed me. Yeah. Um, how it's helped you grow in understanding in in when you write me a note or send me a text in scripture that you might send or um thought you might have or prayer that you might have. Um that still give her a hard time. Not too long ago, we were changing uh garbage disposal.

SPEAKER_04 17:21

Now I you have to back up and say, I'm not a prayer out loud. I will pray

From Arguments To Effective Communication

SPEAKER_04 17:25

with you out loud at bedtime, and it's not ever very good.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Yeah. But you're not a prayer out loud.

SPEAKER_04 17:31

But I'm I mean, we did that one time in Sunday school, and I had to say, no, thank you. I'm not doing that. No, I don't pray out loud.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

I don't pray out loud. And so we were doing, we were working on this garbage disposal, and um we're really having a challenge with it. And he's not good with and I'm not good with things with with handyman stuff. Handyman mechanical stuff. Um, so I wasn't figuring it out, and Kim wasn't figuring it out, and she said, Well, let's just sit here on the floor and pray on it. And when she over it, over it, yeah. I mean, we're like I like to call it an incinerator because it's more funny than a garbage disposal. So is it when we now refer to that as the intercinerator prayer because there's like this most elaborate, amazing prayer that she did over us getting this garbage disposal in. And with and she got done and she goes, Oh, let me look at this one thing, because she's the handyman more than me. And and it went right in.

SPEAKER_04 18:21

Yeah, we it went we had no issues after that.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

Um, and so we call it the incinerator prayer. Um, but but that's huge growth. Yes. That wouldn't even happen last year.

SPEAKER_04 18:31

No.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Um, and so you know we try to each of us grow individually, and then how do we apply that to our marriage? How do we apply that to each other?

SPEAKER_05 18:42

Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Um, and and be an example. I mean, in that way, you're an example to me um through the word. And as much as you've read the Bible um and uh you're better at than me. And thanks. You're welcome. And you know, there's other things that that I think sometimes I'm better at as at connecting um scripture and application and how do we do it um and the thought process through that, but together we um have grown

Blended Family: Same Team Mindset

SPEAKER_00 19:10

and which makes our marriage stronger because of the way we take time, we communicate.

SPEAKER_04 19:15

Um yeah, I agree. And you know, you're different and I'm different. You were always short-tempered and I was always jealous. So those are two huge two huge um things for us is that I you could always count on. I was gonna be very jealous. But we always had to be very careful about what we would say around you because we you were hot headed, you know, just lose your temper fast.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Lose my temper fast.

SPEAKER_04 19:46

Yeah, not hot headed, but like and mainly around family. Yeah, at home. Yeah, at home. Yeah. Or, you know, if it's just like if you're trying to fix something.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

Yes, I'm trying to fix something.

SPEAKER_04 19:58

Garbage disposal didn't get thrown.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

It didn't. It's and that was a huge I mean it is.

SPEAKER_04 20:03

It is. We've grown. I prayed over it and you didn't throw it. So I do I mean, typically when I get frustrated with things, if it's a tool or something, I'll just toss it and I mean, just like today, I had heard that the treadmill had gave you trouble this morning, and I wasn't there, and you were in front of a group of about 10 ladies, and I thought, oh my goodness. I had to ask my friend, how how did he do with that? How did he handle himself? He did fine.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

I handled very calmly.

SPEAKER_04 20:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Because again, because it has been years of work.

SPEAKER_04 20:34

It's a yeah, it's been years of us working on those things. Being intentional about like for me, I have to intentionally tell myself we are committed to each other.

SPEAKER_00 20:49

That is our commitment. As we stood in front of the in front of Kelly's mom. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:54

We stood in front of Kelly's mom and and committed our lives to each other. And I I know that you're committed to me. And I can't let all the lies come in that want to tell me otherwise. And that is huge growth for me.

SPEAKER_00 21:13

And because I think that's a stronger mind.

SPEAKER_04 21:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:16

That's stronger to say those are lies, those aren't truth because I know what I see, how he acts, what he does.

SPEAKER_04 21:23

I know his I know his actions. I know him. So that's been the a a big growth for me. And now I'll still take somebody down. You still give them the old I know I can handle myself.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

But the karate.

SPEAKER_04 21:42

Yeah, if you if you weren't watching that, I did my karate moves.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:47

But um, yeah, I think that's been huge for me.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

And and and that, I mean, for both of us, that's been even really recent within the last year.

SPEAKER_05 21:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:58

Um, that we've really worked. On so it it's not like these things we've been working on just happen overnight. I mean, we've been working on them, but we've just been able to kind of see the difference for both of us within the last year.

Goals, Language, And Unified Parenting

SPEAKER_04 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Um, and which is encouraging to us.

SPEAKER_04 22:13

Yeah. And and things that we don't just stew over. We are able to be able to say, you know what? I didn't really, I wasn't a big fan.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

Mm-hmm. And we're able to talk about it and talk through it.

SPEAKER_04 22:28

Talk through it. Um where we would not have talked through it before. I would have been thinking about my next response.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Right. And we and we would have had a very ineffective um communication, would have turned into an argument and it would have lasted for several days. Then typically that one gets louder than the other because surely you the other one's not hearing you. Obviously. There you so you get louder and louder and just um gets out of out of hand. Yeah. Um it's really about you know we are the same DNA that was married 22 years ago, but we are different spiritually, we are different emotionally, we are different uh mentally. Um, and none of those are by accident. We could um had very easily be those same people.

SPEAKER_03 23:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:14

If we hadn't intentionally um, because there's a lot of challenges um too that we had with a blended family and growth through that um that could have been a big problem. Um that I think could have been a a a big cause to if we had decided to get divorced just because not because anything the kids were doing, but because how you and I couldn't get on and and one of our growths, one of our big things, um probably maybe six, seven years after we married, maybe five or six, seven years, when we decide we're on the same team. We're on the same team, and that that made a huge difference in our in our marriage.

SPEAKER_04 23:50

Yeah, and we do talk about that a lot because and and I think sometimes you forget you're on the same team. And I don't think that's necessarily always for just blended families. Um I just think it's in general uh because I think sometimes the mom carries a lot of the weight and they not necessarily a lot of the weight, but they want to shield the kids a little bit more. And so, you know, even when I was growing up, I'm gonna tell mom before I tell dad because maybe we won't have to tell dad, you know. And so I think it's some of that same things, but I think sometimes you gotta remember like we're on the same team.

Lifelong Growth And Evolving Together

SPEAKER_04 24:30

But with a blended family, I think it was even harder because you have that family dynamic. And once we realized it's not y'all versus us, or you know, it's us versus them. And we're gonna stay united. So this decision is gonna be what we're going with because we are on the same team.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

And I and I think it was too about being on the same team. We talked about what do we want that team to look like? What's our goal as a team?

SPEAKER_05 25:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

And our goal as a team for our kids was to um raise them in a manner that we thought was was good for them, um, an environment that was good for them that would show them responsibility, some um leadership, some different things. Um, and when we got on the same, when we realized what our goals are and we're on the same team, it really started to make some difference. And and we started stopped having as many heated discussions sometimes over the kids too.

SPEAKER_05 25:27

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

Because too, sometimes a blended family can get difficult.

SPEAKER_02 25:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

Um, because you have these thoughts about one or the other. Um, but you know, you wouldn't, you know, you're not parenting my kid, your kid, things like that. And that's one thing we never did um from the get-go. We never called anybody um a step kid. Or your kid or my kid. We don't walk on anybody in our family. Um, and we don't ever refer to that um, you know, that's never been our lingo. Anybody that knows us probably wouldn't even know um if they didn't know us before that, that you know, um we're a blended family.

SPEAKER_05 26:09

Right.

SPEAKER_00 26:09

Um they would they would never know that.

SPEAKER_05 26:11

Right.

SPEAKER_00 26:12

Which was which was our our our goal um as a team is because we want nobody to feel like that. Yeah. We don't want to feel like that, we don't want our kids to feel like that. Um, and so that was a big growth for us.

SPEAKER_05 26:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

When we decide we're on the same team. And um then and and we just continue to look for things, how can we grow? Um because we're not all grown up. No, you know, because I mean we're both 50. Um, well, you're you're a little older, but um I'm 51. But but we think I know we've talked about it at 50 or 51, you think, I didn't, I thought I'd know more than this.

SPEAKER_04 26:50

Or I thought Yeah, like I would I I think about my parents at 51, and I think they had to know the whole world by then. And

Final Takeaways And Listener Invitation

SPEAKER_04 27:00

I still feel like I'm trial and error every day.

SPEAKER_00 27:05

Every day. Here we go again.

SPEAKER_04 27:07

Here we go again. What am I gonna learn? What lesson have I not learned yet that I'm still trying to learn?

SPEAKER_00 27:12

Let me learn it today on my own.

SPEAKER_04 27:14

What is the Lord gonna send me today that He is saying you have still not learned it yet?

SPEAKER_00 27:19

And and and there's there's still growth in us, um so as And I hope that you never stop growing for me.

SPEAKER_04 27:29

That would be my hope. No, why are you look at me so long like that? Like I didn't make sense.

SPEAKER_00 27:36

No, it did make sense. I was just trying to process it.

SPEAKER_05 27:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

I was pausing in the process because I was thinking I mean, I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't know if it's because I'm necessarily growing for you. Right. I think I'm growing for myself and then I think you never stop growing, yeah, and then I apply that to you um because I go, wow, I just want to make her life better, but I also go, man, I also feel better because I've grown.

SPEAKER_05 28:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

And I hope the same is true for you that that you grow for you, and then um because I think that's kind of important because what happens if we just do something for the other person?

SPEAKER_05 28:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

We begin to begin a little resentful. Oh, you want me to change? Oh, okay. I'm not good enough.

SPEAKER_04 28:23

Yeah, and I think we should probably say that for this is that it was never about changing for the other person. It was changing because I wanted I wanted, you wanted a change.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

We never said to the other, you need to change.

SPEAKER_04 28:40

And you know what? You could look at it like this. I mean, like I thought the eighties were the best decade or my favorite decade ever.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Because side note, if you'd like, if you'd like to read a book about the 80s, I do have a book about the 80s.

SPEAKER_04 28:58

I do. I do. Uh but you can't stay in that time. You still have to continue to grow. You're you're always growing. And it's the same way in your relationships, um, with it with anyone, but your relationship, your marriages, you have to continue to grow. You can't be stuck back in the 80s. I can't be stuck back in uh 2004 when we got married. That's not gonna benefit either of us.

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Because a lot of times, if you haven't heard it, um if you're not growing, you're dying.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

Um which I mean, think think about you have hair that grows. I mean, there's things on your your ears get a little longer as you get a little older, they grow. Your nose gets bigger. Go, nose gets bigger. So things are growing. If they start, I mean, you want to be, oh, I'm glad they're growing.

SPEAKER_01 29:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

Um and and that really is you don't want to stay the same.

SPEAKER_01 29:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:55

So we are, I mean, I don't want to be married to the same person I married 22 years ago.

SPEAKER_03 30:01

That's why you're married to a different one.

SPEAKER_00 30:03

That's right.

SPEAKER_03 30:04

We're the same, but we're different.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

We're the same, but different. And and that's really today's hot take.

SPEAKER_03 30:11

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 30:12

Um, is we are the same uh people, but we are completely different.

SPEAKER_03 30:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

Um, we would have different conversations with our 28-year-old selves.

SPEAKER_03 30:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:22

Um, if those 28-year-olds were sitting here now, you would be listening to this a completely different conversation. Um, and and there's some things we'd like to tell those 28-year-olds. Um, and our hope is that as we we share our our journey, our life together so far, um, that maybe there are some those in their 20s that we can impart some of that wisdom that when we think about if we're talking, we're talking to our 28-year-old selves because they need to hear what we're what we're saying. Um, but uh we should always be growing, always be changing. Because what was the hot take again? We'll leave them with we'll leave them with the screen.

SPEAKER_03 30:59

We have to keep a head up, head, a head up, a heads up first, so I can get that pulled up.

SPEAKER_04 31:08

Today's hot take. We are still married, but to different people.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

So our hope is that you are still married one day, but to different people. Um, continue to grow, continue to make a difference in each other's lives, and um continue to build the relationship together because marriage is not easy. A good marriage takes a lot of work, it takes hard work, um, but it's well worth it. So thank you for joining us on today's uh marriage hot takes, and we're looking to see looking forward to seeing you next time.

SPEAKER_04 31:41

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_00 31:44

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_04 31:50

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

They're built in small, intentional choices made every day.

SPEAKER_04 31:57

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.