Ep 4: How Social Media Quietly Erodes Marriage

We lay out how social media—especially algorithms, late-night scrolling, and holiday comparison—quietly erodes closeness, then share simple, realistic swaps that rebuild connection. The core takeaway is practical and direct: attention is intimacy, so point it where you want to grow.

• why algorithms reward gaze, not values
• unintentional scrolling interrupting talk and touch
• comparison traps on holidays and milestones
• the Rolodex of past hurts shaping expectations
• bedtime screens disrupting sleep and intimacy
• a nightly ritual to reconnect and unwind
• reclaiming minutes by halving screen time
• training your algorithm to support your marriage
• the hot take: attention is intimacy

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Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

SPEAKER_02 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

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This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

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It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

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We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone. Let's get into today's hot take.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Erin Degler, along with my wife, Kim Degler. Um, we're excited you're here today. Um, each week we just sit and visit and talk about um things that come up in marriages. Um, and we try to share at the end a hot take, and really it's all about um we share some knowledge, some information, some um takeaways

Today’s Topic: Social Media

SPEAKER_02 1:05

from our marriage, and we like to end each show with a hot take. In other words, a challenge for you to take into your marriage. And um, our goal simply here is to um bring attention that our marriages um our work. They're um we have to always constantly be working on them. Um, Kim and I have been married for 21 years, about to be 22 years. Um and like a lot of people that have been married a long time, have a lot of uh advice, wisdom, things that worked really well, and some things that didn't work well at all.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

That's true.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

So um we're gonna talk a little bit today about and and if this is your first time here, you just never know what you're gonna get from um the wild one over here, whatever's gonna come out of her mouth. Um, so it's always, you know, we don't do anything scripted, it's just uh what you see is what you get. Um, we pretty much are so well organized we start with a topic and and the hot take, and that and that's about how we do it. Um so today we're gonna talk a little bit about something we all do. Yes, um on a daily basis. On a daily basis, most of us. Uh most of us. Um, I mean, research would show that a lot of people do it. Um, and they do it all different ways in all different places. They do, they do, and it's always happening, and it's always happening. Um around us, people do it out in public, they do it out in private, they just do it all the time.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Anytime they have a second, they do it to kill, they'll do it, they'll do it.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

And what we're talking about today is social media. Social media. Um, you do it in the dark, you do it in the day, you do it anytime.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

You do. Um, you do it when people are watching, you do it when people aren't watching.

SPEAKER_02 2:47

Yeah, it's and it's scrolling. Uh and what we always joke about finding the end of social media.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

We haven't found it yet. I've tried my hardest, but I hadn't found the end yet.

How Algorithms Shape Desire

SPEAKER_01 3:00

I keep trying. I'm giving it my best shot.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

And because um what happens when you especially if it's TikTok? Um, really on Instagram, I mean really all of them, when you scroll up, what happens?

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Do you just find the next thing you needed to see? The next thing, the next good thing.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

Um and the interesting thing about social media is the algorithm. What does the algorithm do?

SPEAKER_01 3:26

Yeah, it it shows you what you want to see and more of it. If you if you lacked that cooking video, you're gonna get more cooking videos. If you lack that conspiracy theory, you're gonna get more conspiracy theories. If you lack looking at the other sex, you're gonna get more. Say, for you, if you all of a sudden your algorithm's full of women, that's because you're lacking watching women.

SPEAKER_02 3:56

And if yours is men, it would be the same. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Yeah. It it knows what you like because you you spent time looking at it. And it doesn't it doesn't even mean you had to lack it.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Or or click or or click on it like it.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

It just means you pause long enough to see it.

SPEAKER_02 4:10

You pause. And um the algorithm gets us.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

I think instead of different sex, I was supposed to say the opposite sex. That was the word.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

The opposite sex.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

If you were looking at the opposite sex, not the different sex different sex.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

I think I I knew what you meant.

SPEAKER_01 4:25

Yeah, I knew you did, but all of a sudden I realized that wasn't the word.

SPEAKER_02 4:29

So sometimes we have to clarify things because I know what she's talking about because we've been married for so long and I know the language. Uh the language.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

Like it's it's well, sometimes it's it's like a it's a yes, it's a different language than other people speak.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

Sometimes sometimes it comes out different. Um and and so social media when we talk about it's not only the algorithm that does it, um, and we control the algorithm. Yes. Um, whether we believe that or not, um you you can start searching for different things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Because sometimes they throw wild cards in there for you. You know, you might get I might get a a video that I'd be like, ooh, why would I scroll? You need to let them know you don't like that. You scroll on, don't spend any time.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

Unless you spend a second there.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

Yeah, and then but then you gotta go back and fix that. So I mean they do throw wild cards at you just to see if that's interesting to you.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

And and you can fix your algorithm simply by starting to choose what you spend time on. Right. Um, you can start to see those things that are fed to you. Um, but but I think a lot of times we do scroll unintentionally.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

In other words, we're we we are intentional about going on to the social media, yes, but unintentionally um about what's coming up on it.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Yes. Unintentionally, like, oh, I was gonna show you whatever, whatever on my phone and pick it up to show you that and show you that, and then get back to my phone and just immediately start scrolling again because something caught my eye. And so you just and then next thing you know, you go, Oh,

Unintentional Scrolling And Distraction

SPEAKER_01 6:10

I wasn't why am I on my phone? I was talking to you, and that ended the conversation because then maybe I'm on my phone.

SPEAKER_02 6:16

You got distracted.

SPEAKER_01 6:17

I got distracted because I wanted to scroll again. What's the next thing?

SPEAKER_02 6:22

The next and we're we want that um dopamine, dopamine, very good.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Thank you, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

Dopamine of instant gratification thoughts. I can't wait to see what's next. And then uh, you know, being a quiet, um, quietly ruining our marriage. Um, and it's something, you know, if you get your report every week. Um who looks at that, you know, it it shows you how long you've been on your phone. Um and I think screen time, it shows, you know, it just goes screen time overall uh when it comes up that report, but also you can click on that report and see what how much time on the different um things you are on.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Yeah, I don't look at that.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

Don't look at that.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

No, I don't want to know. I need to know that information.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

But it's available, it is available, and I and I think it'd be interesting to um see where each other's at on what amount of time. Um and not only is it quietly ruining marriages in that way, of um we're spending more time on our devices, um, which means we're having less interactions. Um I was just listening to something this past week about um couples, um, and I can't remember exactly the data, but it was talking about how they spend like a couple hours of quality time per week. Oh not per day, but per week. And then it it even narrowed it down to if you were or weren't on your phone, and it was like they were ending up spending just minutes a week.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Um meaningful um conversations or topics. Um but it so so w when we talk about the qual uh quality, quietly ruining our marriages, what else do we do on social media? We s who we have friends, or we have we see other people, and sometimes those people are married, and what are they what do we start doing?

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Well, you I don't know the word for it, that you start um comparing. Comparing, thank you. I was saying coveting, but I knew that wasn't the same. Comparing is the word I was looking for. You start comparing to that today, for instance, is Valentine's Day while we're recording this. Yes, and if you go on social media today on the Book of Faces, you will see everyone is so loved by their their partner. They are all so loved, and it would just take a brief minute for you to go, oh my look, she got a brand new ring. Oh wow, look, she got a brand new, you know, what you put in place whatever when you you you might not have.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

And and and to make everybody really jealous, um, since it is Valentine's Day as we record this, what are the amazing gifts you got today? I mean, I mean, they these are I mean, I don't know if normal people could put probably get these.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

When I woke up this morning, I had two Alani's and a box of junior mints with a handwritten note. Now I will say Alani's Alani's were a wild card because that's not something that I do normally drink. I do like them on occasion.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

They're like an energy drink, they're an energy drink.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

Yeah, everybody knows what it is, but they are an energy drink, and I normally drink

Quiet Erosion Of Connection

SPEAKER_01 9:50

a spark every day. And um, but when we're on the road, it's easier to grab an Alani to give me a little spark of energy. And so, and I love junior mints, and I usually get them at Christmas, and so that was what it was. But the best gift was the note, and he knows that he knows that. Um put your love into words for me.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

Because um, we've talked about love languages, yes, and um hers her top two are um gifts and words of affirmation. Yes, um, and so um it's not that's yours. No, it's touch.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yes, yes, sorry, like that is not mine.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

That is not no, that is not when you gave me that look, I was like, oh yeah, I remember.

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Good thing we've been working on that for years, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:42

Wow. Alrighty then. Maybe I need to go back and listen to that episode again. Yeah, maybe so. Okay, well, but we we compare um and all day um yesterday, um, the day before Valentine's Day, um, right at you know, right at um my business is right across the street from a flo Florist, and all day long men were just flooding out of there, in and out, in and out um with flowers.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

You were not.

SPEAKER_02 11:08

I was not, I didn't get you any flowers.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

And all right, and why didn't you get me flowers? Because you don't like them. No, I don't. It's not like I mean I do love them.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

I'm not saying that I don't like them. I do love them. I just think that that money could be spent better in other areas than flowers.

SPEAKER_02 11:25

And um, you know, there's a lot of comparison whether it's and it's not just necessarily gifts um that we see on social media. No, sometimes it's vacations.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

It is rings, it's cars, it's houses, it's decorations, it's and that's all on social media, and that's what you get on and see, and then you immediately think, I don't think I'm that loved.

SPEAKER_01 11:51

I didn't get that. Oh, I've not ever gotten a ring. Oh, wow. I guess that's because he loves her so much. And and it's and I and you love me so much. I got junior mints.

SPEAKER_02 12:03

Yeah, that's right. That's right. Um it and and it quietly does it because are they necessarily are couples necessarily gonna have a conversation about that?

SPEAKER_01 12:14

No.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

No. Uh it it's it's typically gonna be something that is held in.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

Yes. Um, and yeah, I mean, you're not gonna share that with your spouse, like you know, I saw you know, three of my friends got this and I and this is what I got.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

I'm like, really? Where's mine?

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna tell you that because then that's gonna hurt your feelings and it's gonna be a hell of a deal, but you do quietly compare. And all because of social media.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

And and we talk about this, and you mention

Comparison Traps And Valentine’s Day

SPEAKER_02 12:50

this a lot about women have what in their mind? What what kind of thing do you flip around all the time? Sometimes I catch her off guard.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Um again, not scripted.

SPEAKER_02 13:07

Rolodex.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

Oh yeah, my Rolodex. It's always there.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

So so I just gotta so explain the Rolodex.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Well, everything's stored, no matter all the years that we've been married and probably the years before we were married. It's it's it's I've got a constant Rolodex of things that you've done or people have done my whole life goes back. And I could, I mean, I could just see one person be like, oh, yep, I pulled that out. And I remember when you did, let me read it. Oh, yep, this was it. And we store it. And even though we say we really work hard on getting rid of those things, I it just takes me a brief second to pull up that Rolodex and say, Remember three Valentine's ago when you didn't do this, or do you remember when we did this? Do you remember when we first got together and you were this kind of gift giver? I mean, it's all of that.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

And and um so then when you see those things, typically not you not you as you as me in in general. Um, when we see those things on social media, it goes into a Rolodex.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

Yes. Um and you remember, maybe it's unconscious, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

And so you start to alter your feelings, alter the way you have a conversation, the um things you do together, the will your expectations. Um I think it's a a lot of things you quietly do that and we don't have those big conversations about. Um go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 14:35

Nico.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

And because it just it it's it quietly does it. Um and it it erodes away um intentionally. Because intentionally, because you're not having the conversations. You're you're still scrolling, you're still comparing, you're still looking. And erosion, um, really erosion doesn't happen overnight.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Right. That's exactly right. And I also think not only is it it is in that way, but I also think, and I think that you and I can both speak of this, is that used to, but what most people, well, what a lot of people, I won't say most people, because I don't want to label everyone, but what a lot of people do when they go to bed is what? Scroll. They scroll. Like like back in the day, the olden days. June and Ward, Cleaver, in the 50s, you're talking way back. Way back.

SPEAKER_02 15:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

They would get in their separate beds and read their books and then shut them and go to bed. They would read themselves to sleep. And people read for years, and and there are still tons of people do, but a lot of people will have replaced that with just scrolling because it is relaxing. It what you think of as relaxing to just scroll. Maybe you're wanting a bunch of recipes. It's mindless. You maybe something funny, maybe some dog videos or cat videos, you know, whatever your algorithm is, it is relaxing to you. Um, but what happens is like for us, for instance, for years, I we go to bed together and you immediately lay down to go to sleep. And you and I couldn't go to sleep at that time. So I'm gonna stay on my phone and scroll for hours until I got tired and went to bed.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

Cause you used to be awake probably two to three hours after I went to sleep. We we'd go to bed together, but yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

And so um now we do still go to bed together, but I probably for the last year have put my phone away as soon as we go to bed and we go to bed at the same time. We go to sleep at the same time, and I think it makes a huge difference on several different things. Like it's easier for me to get up in the morning because I don't doom scroll at night, just waiting to get to the next video. But also, I think it creates more of a connection again of falling to sleep together. And I mean, I know that you it wasn't like you were if it had been the roles were reversed, this would have been the way it would have been. I would have thought, what are you doing up scrolling? What are you looking at that's so important that you can't let I mean what who who are we talking to? That would have been my thought if it was you, but you were just like, you didn't care.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

It didn't

Love Languages And Expectations

SPEAKER_01 17:30

matter, you know, it's not that you didn't care, but you knew I'm just scrolling TikTok to get whatever videos I want to watch. But it could be, you know, maybe, maybe there's something else going on entirely. And so that's slowly killing your marriage because you're not spending that time that could be spent uh being intimate or having that human connection of being next side by side and just getting that emotional, I mean that physical touch with your partner, and instead you're glued to your phone while your partner's sleeping, or you're both glued to your phone and you've missed that completely, which is what we're designed to be doing.

SPEAKER_02 18:12

You you're you're together but still alone.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Yes, because you're in your separate world of your scrolling, because your algorithm is different than mine, completely.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

So we're in our own, I'm in my world.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

You're and we're and and we could be side by side sending videos to each other. Yeah. Well, like, why not talk?

SPEAKER_02 18:30

Mm-hmm and have those conversations. Right. And and and since we do go to uh asleep together now for the past year at the same time, we we do. We we usually our night um ritual is kind of we usually some sorts.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

Yes, we do the same thing every night.

SPEAKER_02 18:45

Yeah, we we usually have a laugh of some sort, something is said, and it's a big, really hard laugh.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

Big belly laugh.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Um, and then uh we pray and then together, together um out loud, we take turns and um turn on some music, something easy, and uh we fall asleep. Yes, um and and and together, I mean holding each other, and then that's kind of our routine because we're very routine people together. Yes, very um, so uh but but it makes a difference, yes, um and and makes it easier for you to get up. It and it also changes um going to bed. I think it helps relax your mind prior to that because uh scrolling of any sort is gonna activate all that dopamine and it's gonna get you fired up. Not we think it's relaxing, but also you're you're going to bed thinking of all those things.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Yes, like your mind is still, once you turn it off, after okay, I'm gonna watch one more video and then 300 more videos later, and you do finally turn it off, when you go to bed and you close your eyes, your eyes are still, your mind is still scrolling over all of the content that you've just taken in. And sometimes that's what your dreams are made of, is just because it's constantly in your face and you just went to bed watching all that, and then that's what's in your mind.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

And you do that night after night after night. Um and maybe it's for years.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

Um, and it really is that erosion over time that um an erosion of a rock, if a river's going over a rock, it might erode the rock or it might erode the canyon, but it takes time and it's not almost it's almost unnoticeable.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Uh it's just a little bit thin layer here, another thin layer here. And so I think that's what happens sometimes after 20 years, people. Well, how do we end up here?

SPEAKER_01 20:35

Yeah. How do we get here?

SPEAKER_02 20:37

And it didn't happen overnight.

SPEAKER_01 20:39

Right, right.

Bedtime Scrolling And Lost Intimacy

SPEAKER_01 20:40

And and again, like I said, if you were to replace that time, it just just from what we said in the very beginning, talking about you know, couples and how much time they spend meaningful within a week, if you just replace that time, I mean, if that's what you're doing, if you're scrolling in nine, if you just made that, if you had that challenge to yourself to replace that time with just being with your partner, uh with your spouse, of you know, either just kind of with a little conversation or like you said, uh, we have a we always have a laugh, or you know, whatever it might be, maybe just intimacy. Um maybe it's just cuddling. And if you replace that and then you continue to do that nightly, what a difference that will make in your marriage as opposed to living somebody else's life on social media, your favorite content creator. Because what difference is that making in that content content creator's life? None. But it's it's slowly killing your marriage by not being present in your own.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

And I think it's a good challenge. Maybe it's you look at that that number on your social media. Um, and what is you know, maybe take half of it for that that on the average. Don't even try to say I'm gonna get rid of all of it. Maybe it's a half, maybe it's a quarter of that time, and say every day we're gonna spend that. Um, and whatever that looks like for us, it worked, it's at night. I mean, just because it works best for us.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Um, but maybe it's somebody else in the morning, maybe it's at morning time together, maybe it's at lunch, whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Yeah, whenever you're around each other.

SPEAKER_02 22:16

And I think that's a a great challenge for for couples to take together.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:21

Um and to see what kind of difference it makes in your relationship in 30 days.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

Um, because again, uh erosion, um, you can rebuild things um in the same way it's eroded is the same way it's rebuilt, a little bit at a time, right? Layer on top of layer, um, over time. Um so and as always, uh we have a little hot take that. Well, that's the scripted part. Yeah, that that that's our only scripted part is the hot take. So uh we get it correct. And basically with our hot take is um really that's uh above and beyond the challenge we just kind of set for you is um to take a the the simple hot take is take it with you. Um and today's hot take is attention is intimacy. So do you want it to be intimate with your phone or with your spouse? And that's um the hot take. Um and say that one more time.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

Today's hot take is attention is intimacy.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

So we challenge you to um point your attention um to the place you want to be intimate at um for today's hot take and just start incorporating that into your relationship um with your spouse and see what difference uh your relationship and your marriage um takes. Any final thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 23:45

I gave it with the hot take.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

Okay. Thanks. Thank you to each you for joining us today on marriage hot takes with um Aaron.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

I'm Kim.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

And we'll see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment, they're built in small, intentional choices made every day. If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.