Marriage Hot Takes

Ep 5: Love is a Choice, Not a Feeling

• Aaron & Kim

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 26:27

We wrestle with the myth that love is only a feeling and make the case that lasting marriage is a daily choice. Through stories, humor, and practical habits, we show how small acts, uneven days, and intentional service create safety and keep couples close.

• love as a deliberate daily practice
• difference between liking and loving on hard days
• choose your hard: marriage work versus divorce fallout
• replacing feelings with small, concrete actions
• dropping scorekeeping and embracing 90-10 seasons
• rituals that build safety: notes, touch, time
• roles, gratitude, and reframing expectations
• support during anxiety and mental health dips
• the hot take: drifting from intentionality erodes love

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about
And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review
It really helps us reach more couples


Welcome And Show Format

SPEAKER_06

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_02

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_06

This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

SPEAKER_02

It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

SPEAKER_06

We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_02

So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone. Let's get into today's hot take.

SPEAKER_06

Welcome to Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Aaron Degler, along with my wife Kim. We're so glad you joined us today. If this is your first time here, we welcome you. Um we just uh Kim and I just have a conversation each week um about different topics I think that affect our marriages, um, positive, negative, and everything in between. Um, really, to be honest, uh, we show up each week with a topic in mind. Um, it's not scripted at all. The only thing we have scripted that we leave you with each week is the hot take. Um, and since it's and since it since it isn't scripted.

SPEAKER_01

Good job.

SPEAKER_06

Uh this one over here is a loose canon. Um so we never know what she's gonna say, but we're just gonna roll with it um and have a lot of fun and we're gonna laugh and

The Four-Letter Word: Love

SPEAKER_06

enjoy it. Um today we're gonna talk a little bit about um a four-letter word um that is is a powerful four-letter word. Um sometimes we throw it around uh what I like to call willy-nilly.

SPEAKER_02

Um and when you could really replace it with another four-letter word, because maybe that's what you really mean.

SPEAKER_06

With the other four-letter word?

SPEAKER_02

Yes, they both start with this the letter.

SPEAKER_05

Well, well, all words start with a letter. That's a that's a if if you didn't know, you heard it here first. Every word starts with a letter. Look out.

SPEAKER_06

But the four-letter word uh we're gonna talk about today. You might have to put it in the world. Is love is love. Um yeah, just pull it up. There we go. Um

Love As Choice Not Feeling

SPEAKER_06

see, it we're just gonna we're just gonna roll on. Um, it's uh it is. It's the four-letter word we're gonna talk about today is love. Um, and I think so many times um we we view love as a feeling.

SPEAKER_02

I was saying that it could also sometimes it might just be like instead of love. Oh, I was thinking that I know and that's why I need to explain that. It started with the same letter.

SPEAKER_06

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Sometimes you may really just like the person, but instead of love the person, you needed to know the difference.

SPEAKER_06

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Okay, go ahead.

SPEAKER_06

Yes, uh, sometimes um there are times you just like the person.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Um and you need to know the difference of that before you decide. Decide that that's that's your person.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, uh, I mean, because why would we say love is not a feeling?

SPEAKER_02

Because some days you may not feel it, but you have to choose to love.

SPEAKER_06

And and and that's really the the the truth. Um, I think sometimes as married couples, um we think that we are supposed to love the other person all the time. Every day. Like I'm a bad person if I don't love her, if I don't love him. But there's some days that we just like them.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, you just like the person today. I'm I mean, I'm gonna say I love you, but today I'm barely liking you. That's how life is sometimes. That is, but deep down, you're reaching in to choose that you love the other one. I choose that I love you. I I just like you right now, but I'm choosing daily to love you.

SPEAKER_06

So so so then how does that look? You know, if I like you right now, then then how am I also choosing to love you daily?

SPEAKER_02

You're choosing to love me daily by staying because you made that commitment. And so I chose to love you. So even when it's hard, at the end of the day, I loved you. I chose that.

SPEAKER_06

And and I think we hear a lot, we just fell out of love. Yeah, well, and that happened, it does, but also we have to be really honest and say those were choices. That was your a choice, a choice, and I and I think we want to default to I just

Choose Your Hard: Marriage Or Divorce

SPEAKER_06

don't feel it anymore.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I need to feel it. Well, and I say uh a lot, marriage is hard, and I can speak on divorce is hard. So which hard do you want to do? Either one is gonna be hard. Love is hard, but whatever I mean, it's going to be hard either way, so you can choose to every day. I'm gonna choose every day to love you.

SPEAKER_06

And I think that that that I mean that's a good point of of you can speak from that the perspective of divorce, um, because and it's choose your heart, both are hard. Um, and and you've had conversations with people before that come to you for advice about that. Because I am divorced, because you are divorced, but and I think they're they come to you looking for the easy answer that they want to hear, and they're highly shocked when they're gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_02

When I can give them advice from experience and from what I see in hindsight, they want me to continue to say, Yeah, I think that's exactly what you should do. You just force them and out the but in hindsight that that's not the that's not the advice I give. That after I mean, I am thankful for where we're at. I'm just saying in hindsight you should just choose the hard. They're both hard, they're both equally hard.

SPEAKER_06

Because you can go from those and and realize there's some things that that you could have done differently.

SPEAKER_02

100% changed. Yes, 100%.

SPEAKER_06

And I think sometimes we leave those relationships thinking it's the other person.

SPEAKER_02

It's it's not. It's it's I mean, that yes, many times it is the other person, but uh in all likelihood, it's two people. And sometimes it could be one person, but it could be you. I mean, if you're thinking it's all the other person, it's probably you.

SPEAKER_06

So and and and it is the the choice is um because sometimes you and I are no different. There's some moments, some hours, some days that we just like each other. Yeah, we might get irritable at each other, yeah. We might disagree, um, we might all the different all I mean, it's a relationship. Everyone is the same, and so we don't want anybody to think that what we love each other all the time. Yeah, and that is perfect.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, um we do love each other all the time.

SPEAKER_06

Yes, yes, but we still have days or moments or hours where we just like each other a little bit, a little bit, and we have to really choose um the love. Yes, um, because we know at the end of the day we're not going anywhere. No. Um, we're gonna talk it out, yeah. Um, we're gonna work it out, we're gonna continue to love each other. We're can't we're we're a team. Um, it's just at the moment or the hour that we just

Like Days And Uneven Effort

SPEAKER_06

don't one of us might not like the other one. Um and and so, and and again, the love portion when it's a choice is if it's not a feeling, it has to be also actions.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_06

What actions are you taking to show that love?

SPEAKER_02

Right. I do agree with that, and I do think that those little actions are um sometimes things that you might need to go above and beyond of what you're normally would do just to remember that is the person that I love. You know, uh there's been there's some times that I bring you love notes when you're at work, just random. I may bring them for five days in a row, I may bring them a couple of days in a week, but I hand deliver them to you at work. And I think that at those moments are just times when I need to make sure, like I need you to know how much I love you and that how in how important you are to me, and that I choose you every day. I choose you, I choose love. And so for me, those are little things that I can do to make sure one, that you know that, and two, for myself to be able to say that is who I choose.

SPEAKER_06

And it's I mean, and again, it speaks to one of my love languages, which is um act of service. And when I know you've put your time into writing that and not only put your time into it, but came to town about you know, five minutes away, seven, eight minutes away, that you're coming to town just to give that and then come back home means a lot. Um, and it is a choice of being intentional because choices, um, when we make a choice, we need to be intentional about it. So when we say love is a choice, love is being intentional. And so you choose that intentional act. Um, and I and again, I've been and I've told you about the notes before. Hey, you don't have to do it every day because sometimes I think we start something and we go, Oh, now if now if I stop, they're gonna think like remember when we did the post-it notes, and we did that for over a a year, I think.

SPEAKER_02

I still have them. Yeah, they're in an album because then it was like, well, we've started this every day, and now I've got to do it every day.

SPEAKER_06

And we did, and we did, and and so like our whole mirrors would be we have a little spot for a little face just to see just see your face.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, the whole mirror was covered in post-it notes professing our love for it, not even professing our love, it's just words of encouragement every day that you would wake up and find.

SPEAKER_06

But yes, and now we don't have those.

SPEAKER_02

I mean, we don't do that anymore, but but we do different things, but we do different things, and and I mean a love note is never based on what you're looking for, it's something that I need at that moment. So,

Love As Action And Intentionality

SPEAKER_02

while yes, you get the love note, I'm doing it because I need it. I need to feel that today.

SPEAKER_06

Yeah, so so really it I mean it it's how you feel the love.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_06

Because you do it, and and it it's a gift that you can give to me, but it's really too a lot about you, about way to put your feelings out to put um because I think sometimes when we try to describe the other person, you know, what do I love them? Well, they're pretty, um, they have a good attitude, they're funny. Um, but I think sometimes when we how do we describe love? Well, when like for me, when you're next to me, that makes me feel safe. Um, it makes everything go away.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_06

Um, so that's an action. Yes. So you being close to me is an action, and it makes it makes me feel loved. It makes love be I know you love me, and and that's how um you make that choice, and it creates love. Um and again that choice is sometimes the love isn't equal.

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_06

I think sometimes we feel like our love should be 50-50 or 100-100.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Some days I I might need you to give 90%, and I only might have 10% to give if I can give that. And and some days it's the other way around. But I think you have to be prepared for that. That um because if love note, for instance, because I bring you a love note to work, I'm not expecting you to turn around and do the same for me. That would be what I would think of as 100%, 100%. We got a match one for dollar. Dollar for dollar. Yeah. Whatever I just did, you need to do the same. And that's not it. I mean, I know some days I need to give you more than what you can give me. And I know that. And I think that you from knowing your partner and knowing what's going on in your marriage or what's going on in life, not when I say marriage, I mean like we have four grown children, two that are married. Um, we have grandchildren. And so what goes on in our marriage sometimes means our marriage as far as like all of our children, what goes on. And so sometimes knowing what is going on in your in your family in your marriage, um, I know what you might need. You might need some reassurance that week. You might need um just a little more motivation. You might need uh me to let you know, you know, all the ways that I love you, all the things that I can't speak out, like and say, I love you because, you know, I have to be able to put it down in words to where I can think about it and and give that to you and and know that that's what you needed in that week. Um, and the same for you. I mean, like, I know there's I know several ways that you love me, but when I stay at home and you're gone from 3 30, 4 o'clock in the morning, 4 o'clock in the morning to sometimes 6 37,

Post-It Notes, Love Notes, And Service

SPEAKER_02

7 30 at night, and I'm at home. I get to stay home. You provide that for me, and it's not easy. So that's one way I know, like that's what you provide for me. And so if I can do little things for you, that's how I show my love. Like we go back to I did recently write a book.

SPEAKER_06

You did?

SPEAKER_02

I did.

SPEAKER_06

And what's the name of it?

SPEAKER_02

It is called The Fence I Walked in the Childhood, The Fence I Walked The Childhood I Cherished. But one of those chapters in there is when I discovered something about myself that I didn't know until I wrote the chapter. And it was about how my mom stayed at home and my dad worked uh all the time. And my mom waited on my dad, what we used to say, hand in foot. She did everything for him. She put his clothes out, she made his, she had his plate waiting for him when he walked in. She did everything for him. There wasn't anything inside of our home that he did for himself. She did it all for him. And that used to irritate me so much as a girl growing up, you know, girl power, all the things like I will never do that. I'm not waiting on a man. I'm not doing that. I'm gonna be my own person. And that had always been my plan was that I would be so super independent and never be dependent on a man. And my dad used to always say, I want you to be a, you know, independent. I don't want you to depend on a man. And as I was writing this chapter about my mom and how she waited on my dad hand and foot, is when I realized I do the same thing in different ways, some, but some in the same way. Uh when Aaron is gets home from work, his supper is waiting on the table for him. When I mean, I get all the things done for him that I can do for him. I do anything that he that I think that would take um a little small something that he doesn't have to worry about, that you don't have to worry about. If I can do that, then I will do that. And then I realized I do the same thing. And then I realized that maybe my mom wasn't doing it for because she had to. She might have. I don't know. But I realized that maybe it was the gratitude for being able to stay at home with her kids. For me, it's I get to be here every day. And you allow that for me. Even when times are tough, I still am here and you're out working hard for what we have. And if it's just those small things that I can do for you to show my gratitude, then that's how I can do that.

SPEAKER_06

And and I think the expectation aspect is really good because when we do things out of love and when we serve someone else, and I really think that's what love is a lot of times. It's just how how can we serve that other person the best? Um, it is without that expectation of what am I gonna get in return? Right. Now, now we we um our marriage is a partnership. We do it, you know, I'm working just like you said, you're you're doing the things at home that help make my life easier, that um do all those things. Um and so we do it together, but neither one of us are expecting of those of each other.

SPEAKER_02

Like you wouldn't come home, and if your supper wasn't ready, you wouldn't be like, Where the hell's my dinner? I mean, it's not like that. You would go in, make your dinner, you know, do whatever. It's because I want to help make make

Safety, Closeness, And Love Languages

SPEAKER_02

things easier for you when you come home.

SPEAKER_06

And I think what you mentioned on those days that maybe one of you dislikes the other one. When the other one is still more than they love you that day, yeah. Um, so it is doing more, um, not saying, well, she's not, I mean, she's not giving anything today, so why should I?

SPEAKER_00

Right.

SPEAKER_06

It's going, well, she's having a hard day today. And maybe she just, maybe it's not even anything about me. Maybe today is just a like day. And so how can I do more to make her day or his day better? Um, and and we just try to do that without looking because I think sometimes we go, well, um, if we're matching dollar for dollar, dollar for dollar, uh, you know, love expectation for love expectation, then I think sometimes we match attitude for attitude. Right. Well, you have a crappy attitude, I'll match, I'll see that attitude and I'll raise it up a little bit.

SPEAKER_02

Exactly. And that's where you get into a lot of issues. And I think a lot of times that you have seasons that happens. I mean, I would we would be lying if we said that that's never happened in our marriage. It has happened many times that that is exactly the way that we went.

SPEAKER_06

And still does from time to time. It's not like those things go away. Yeah, I mean, there's things that you know, the more you work on them, it gets less and less. Um, but you still have those things creep in um that because that's again part of marriage.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_06

It's I mean, it's work.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, it's a choice, it's a choice. It is a choice.

SPEAKER_06

Um, it's a choice daily. It's um we're choosing our hard because it's hard work being married. It is, even if you got the best partner, the spouse. You do, but I do, but um it's it's still hard work.

SPEAKER_02

It is hard work.

SPEAKER_06

Um, because we still hard job. Yeah. Um and it's I I I just think um we just can't say enough about how love is a choice.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_06

Um, it's really by your actions.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Um it's and and and sometimes those choices and in your actions are just the small little things. Like for you, those small little things are me laying beside you at night and and being able to it just relaxes you. You know, there was a time when um I would be going to Oklahoma a lot and staying with the kids. And it you would, I mean, you would be up later. You know, in a and uh at first, I would always think like, how are you still up? Like if I'm home, you're like out, sound asleep. 8 30 comes and you're snoozing in the chair, and then I'm gone. And you're like at 10 o'clock, well, I think I'll go to bed. Well, what it would kind of hurt my feelings at first until I realized it's because you don't have that re I'm not there. I'm not there to to calm you and to relax you from the day. So it's the little, it's those little moments that and those are the choices that the choice to put my phone down, lay beside you.

SPEAKER_06

And it and again, it's

90-10 Days And Dropping Scorekeeping

SPEAKER_06

the choice of um you realizing, oh, I'm not gonna get mad because that's really a compliment to me.

SPEAKER_00

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_06

Because when I'm there, he sleeps better, he you know, it's just all the things.

SPEAKER_00

It is, just goes better.

SPEAKER_06

So it's not any, it's not like well, I can't believe him. Yes, it's a choice of understanding.

SPEAKER_02

Yes. Just like you know when I have hard days, and I have a whole lot of hard days, and you just know, and you're able to to give the 90 or

SPEAKER_06

But there there's things, I mean, that we just because it doesn't work doesn't mean that it's a hard day. Sometimes I ha hard days emotionally. Some day uh hard days are anxiety, some days um the mind overthinks and it works and and mental health is a hard thing.

SPEAKER_02

It is a hard thing. And and that is a lot of the reason why I'm at home. And um just in it still just creeps in some days and uh it just stops me. And I mean it sounds crazy, but it can paralyze you to where that's all you got today. And and he's the first to say, Babe, why don't you just take the day off today and just sit and do nothing? Well, he knows I can't do anything anyway.

SPEAKER_06

So and and and and that's knowing you're I know you just from the words in your text or because we don't talk during the day, like on the phone.

SPEAKER_02

Do not talk on the phone.

SPEAKER_06

I mean, very rarely, even if you're gone. Do not call me. Do not call me ever. Um, we just even when if you're gone on a girls' trip or to see the kids or something, I don't we don't we don't talk on the gym. No, we don't talk. Um we're not big phone talkers. But I I can tell through your your tone of of your text and things like that. Right. Um and and on those days, it's I need to um it and it's not that she doesn't like me. It just um she may not be as loving as we might say. Um so I know I need to step it up a little bit and be more um my call extra. Um give that extra because I know there's gonna be a time when I need it. Um when there's times I'm having hard times and you send extra prayers, you send extra notes or thoughts, or do extra things for me. Um so um love is is really is that choice of actions.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_06

Um and as always, we end each episode uh with a hot take that is the only part that's scripted um that Kim is in charge of. Um and and she might even announce it like remember the whole password?

SPEAKER_01

The password is the hot take is you don't fall out of love, you drift out of intentionality. That's the password.

SPEAKER_05

If you watch it, if if you're watching it on on YouTube, it's even funnier. Uh because you get to see her expression and the way she addresses the microphone. Um sometimes I don't even know.

SPEAKER_06

Um so we'll uh maybe repeat that hot take again since you put your phone down already.

SPEAKER_02

Um the hot take is you don't fall out of love, you drift out of intentionality.

SPEAKER_06

You drift out of intentionality. So that is really our our challenge. Our hot take is um don't drift out of intentionality, be intentional about um your choices to love um because it is a choice and be really intentional about that. And it starts with small ones, yes, um, and they can make big differences. So it doesn't mean you need to change the world. Um, you just need to to um be intentional

Family Load, Gratitude, And Roles

SPEAKER_06

with your marriage and your relationship and with each other. And every day wake up to say, today I'm choosing love.

SPEAKER_04

That's right.

SPEAKER_06

Um, and that's uh and you'll have that other four-letter word creep in like um but overall marriages last because love is cho is choosed daily in every action. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us on today's marriage hot takes. Um, we we hope you take this hot take, apply it to your marriage, be intentional about your marriage, and see how your marriage um changes, how it grows, how it evolves, um, how it makes a difference for both of you and just strengthens your uh marriage uh for the years to come. And again, thanks for joining us. I'm your host Aaron, along with Kim. And we'll see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_02

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_06

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_02

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment.

SPEAKER_06

They're built in small, intentional choices made every day.

SPEAKER_02

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_06

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.