Ep 6: Friendship in Marriage

We connect a simple idea to real marriage life: your spouse should feel like your best friend, not just your co-manager of the house. We talk about how friendship fades over time and what we do to build it back with small, intentional choices. 
• asking whether we’d choose each other without the marriage title 
• noticing “married by name only” habits and parallel lives 
• building friendship through laughter and everyday hangouts 
• sharing new experiences together so we have shared stories 
• handling busy kid seasons without losing couple identity 
• practicing give-and-take support for each other’s interests 
• dating again and protecting time together on purpose 
• leaving a marriage legacy by modeling priorities to kids 

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. 

Transcript

Welcome And Why We’re Unscripted

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_03 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome to Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Aaron Degler, along with my wife Kim. Welcome to Marriage Hot Takes. If this is your first time, we just share a little bit of our experiences, our little thoughts, our wisdom, our knowledge, our successes, our failures about marriage. And as always, we are never scripted. We basically start each episode with uh idea, a title that we that we talked about before, and we leave you with a hot take to take into your marriage to um hopefully help it grow, make a difference. And since we are not scripted, um, as always, this one over here is a loose canon. Uh so sometimes, I mean, sometimes you'll find out that words start with a letter. That was the big reveal on our last episode was that words, or maybe a couple episodes ago, that words start with letters. There's a big reveal. Um, if you didn't know, it does.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

They do.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

They do. It starts with a letter. It starts with a letter. Um, so you just never know what you're gonna get around here.

Toy Story And The Friend Question

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Um, so when our kids were little, uh they loved Toy Story. Um, the first one, of course, because it's the OG, the original. It's the best. I mean, you can't beat the original. They're all the best. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:56

I mean, it's just, I mean, if if you maybe nostalgic makes me think it's all the best, they're all the best, but man, it was such a movie.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

I mean, if Woody and Buzz, I mean, if you have two buddies like that, I mean um, you're blessed. Yes. Uh, but there's a song in there, you have a a friend in me.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

You got a friend in me.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

You got a friend in me. And um, it's just a great song. Uh I even play it sometimes when we're uh doing a treadmill class because I think it's it's just a great uh song, and really it should be the theme song for our uh episode today. Yeah, because really it's about um being married. Um but if you're married, are you friends?

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

And uh don't know if that's always the case. Um because when you have a friend in me, when I think of Buzz and Woody and I think of buddies or friends, um you know, we think about I mean, you have girlfriends.

SPEAKER_03 2:57

I do.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

And what do you want to do? You want to hang out with them.

SPEAKER_03 3:00

Yeah, I do. We have a good time.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

How do you have a good time?

SPEAKER_03 3:04

Well, because we could just sit and talk and we can gab about everything.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

And and you laugh.

SPEAKER_03 3:09

And they laugh we laugh and we listen and we laugh and and you can commiserate together. Yeah, if somebody's having something bad, then we're there. If somebody's having something good, we're there.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

All the different things, every season of life. Uh and and you're right, it's it's everything. It's from kids getting married to um deaths in the family to um just good times together. It's just um just going through different seasons, it's just always being there. And I think sometimes we um think of marriage as we have to be together.

Married By Name Only

SPEAKER_01 3:51

We have to um we're married by name only, right? And so what do we mean by that? Um you know, it may be you go do different things separately, right? You got separate friends. Um, you join up to at night to go to sleep together, but maybe you're going on trips separately all the time. We're not talking about just once in a while because you're on girls' trips, and um, but but it's all the time. And um, and sometimes I don't think we work on our friendship of our marriage as much. Right. Um, because what do you do? I mean, think about your friends that you have, and this is to everybody that has a good friend, I'm almost I'd say best friend.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

What do you do? You have to work on it.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

Yeah. Um and it goes both ways. Yeah. They work on it, you work on it.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Um, and so it's not just a one-sided friendship. Um, and so when we talk about friendship in marriage, you got a friend in me, it's, you know, we should be able to do the same things that your guy friends or girlfriends do. Right. So now we don't mean you're gonna go out and play golf together, you're gonna go shoot ski, you're gonna go out shopping together, you're gonna uh maybe not go to all the wine bars together, um, per se, but a friendship is who's the person I want to do all the things with?

SPEAKER_03 5:11

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

And have the experiences with.

SPEAKER_03 5:13

Right. When news comes, who's the first person that you want to tell that to?

SPEAKER_01 5:18

Good or bad?

SPEAKER_03 5:19

Good or bad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

And so sometimes, like you go on uh trips with your um your friends and you have a girls' trip every year. Yeah. And and and you try to um yoga places that typically we wouldn't go. You and I wouldn't go together.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

Right.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

Because we want to have that experience uh together, because we want to experience that first together together, because we want to be able to talk about how cool that was or how neat that was. Um now you did go to San Francisco last year.

SPEAKER_03 5:52

Yeah, you did, yeah. And and I mean, I'll be honest, I'm a little salty about it. Yeah, we were a little salty about it. It was just fly into San Francisco and go on to Napa. Was that was the thing. It was it's just to fly there, but go there. But we did go see the side.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

You didn't get to go drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, and I got your picture, you know, in the Golden Gate Bridge standing back there, like, whoa, look at me.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

He was a little salty about it.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

I mean, I still might be salty about it. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Um just happened. I don't want to tell you.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

But yeah, no, still super happy that you could experience you are.

SPEAKER_03 6:25

Um you weren't salty about Asheville, North Carolina.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

No, I wasn't.

SPEAKER_03 6:29

The Biltmore estate. So you didn't care anything about that.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Yeah, no, I didn't. And then when you got to Napa Valley for all the wine stuff, you didn't care. That's not a big deal.

SPEAKER_03 6:36

Then I had to go back to San Francisco and do it one more time before we left.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

Yeah, and as we were watching the uh show the other day, I said, Oh, look, there's a the Golden Gear Bridge, and you know, you you were standing there. She goes, Well, I drove over it too, like twice. I was like, Oh, oh yeah, that's right. Thanks for that reminder. That that's pretty cool. Um what was that? I don't know. That was like a a cackle. I don't I don't know what that was.

Laughter And Small Everyday Hangouts

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Um, but but it's it's how do you work on your friendship in a in a marriage? It should be um, can you laugh together?

SPEAKER_03 7:11

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Um, I mean that's a big it's it is big, you know?

SPEAKER_03 7:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

I mean we we always joke that uh we're the funniest people we know. We are, and we have the funniest stories we know. We'll tell them to each other and just laugh. Yeah, yeah. Um, you know, and and uh I can't even know where I was going with this.

SPEAKER_03 7:29

But anyhow, um like sometimes like you were gonna say, I and I know this is what you were gonna say. I don't know that we we think I don't know that any other married couple has as much fun as we do when they're alone.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

We do say that a lot.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

Yeah, that's I think you were gonna go with.

SPEAKER_01 7:45

Well, for some reason I was thinking about whenever you'd like I don't know. I was gonna say, like, crash on your bike, or you, you know, after a workout, you'd be laying on the ground. I take a picture of you because I thought it was funny. Or if you fall on the ground.

SPEAKER_03 7:59

But you'd get the picture first.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Yeah, because that's funny because uh as a friend, you do that because it's funny. I mean, it's just funny.

SPEAKER_03 8:06

It doesn't sound good as you're doing a marriage podcast and you're talking about oh yeah. Remember when she broke her elbows, but I took a picture first.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Yeah, yeah. And there was one time when you almost cut your finger off. And I I did take a picture after because you're holding it up with a big old uh a big old gauze on your finger. I mean, we can go on and on about um when she's home alone, I hear I get a call. It was an accident, just an accident. That's usually how accidents happen, but um, but again, friends can can laugh about it and we can have a good time about it. Um and we enjoy doing things together. We do.

SPEAKER_03 8:37

We enjoy even the the little things. We enjoy the little things doing together. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

I mean, is it's really just the little things of how can we hang out?

SPEAKER_03 8:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

Um, even if it's we have to um go to the county and get our tags for a vehicle, you want to ride along, or um let's go, you know, 45 minutes away, just get a fried pie just to drive over there and see it just because it's fun. Um, it's just finding those little things, just ways to hang out.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Um, and be with each other. Um and and and talk about things. And it and it's, you know, I think like friends do, we talk about the goofiest things that make really no sense probably to but to us. Um have those inside jokes that make no sense to anybody but us. Um we have you know, belly laughs about the dumbest things that usually happen at when we laugh at night. Um we want to have new experiences together. Uh, we want to see those things together. And and like you said, it's when something great happens, you know, you are the first one I want to tell. Um when something bad happens, you're the first one I want to say, you know, to share with. Right. Um and I think uh so many times in in our relationships or marriages, as they get longer in years, the friendship isn't always as strong.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

I agree.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

Because I think you start to lose and and sometimes kiddos can get in the way of that friendship.

SPEAKER_03 10:09

Yeah. I think you're looking at me to add in a little more than a yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

Yeah, we've been looking for that, but but but but think about um w when they become you know, now um we've mentioned it

When Kids And Sports Take Over

SPEAKER_01 10:25

before when our oldest Kobe was just starting uh baseball.

SPEAKER_03 10:29

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

Uh select teams and all that business was kind of a new thing.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

Yeah, for yeah, for this area for sure.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

Yeah, it wasn't really a big deal. Um, but now it's everything. Every every you know, sports and activities and all kinds of things. I mean, there's something keep kids busy non-stop and really can keep parents um going in all different directions. Um, so it's really easy to, I mean, just think about if you have a friend and you don't hang out much, right? It gets harder and harder to reconnect with them. Um, and and I think sometimes we just stay together because of our relationship that says marriage.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

We're married. Here's our marriage certificate. We are, this is my wife, this is my husband, we are married. Um, but I'd almost say, are you friends first? Like, would you be together if you didn't have that title attached of marriage? And we're not saying that it it you need to split up, then if not, but it's maybe you need to become friends again.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Maybe it needs to mean you maybe it needs you need to start dating again. Each other.

SPEAKER_03 11:36

Each other, not at some other.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

No, that would not work. Um, but it's maybe you start dating again, maybe you start doing those things that friends do together. They hang out together, they they want to talk, they play board games, they whatever it is, um, start being more of a friend, um, and work on that relationship uh because they they should be your best friend.

SPEAKER_03 12:03

Yeah. Uh because going back to having kids and uh being in sports, you know, you're running like crazy keeping in a lot of times separate because you have more than one kid. You've got one kid going here and you're another kid going here, and you have to maybe split to go and do all the things. Um you put your identity as a married couple into your kids, and it's about what they are doing this with what are your plans this weekend? Well, we have this tournament and they have this, and we're gonna do that, and they have a birthday party here, and there's a slumber party over here, and it's all what it was always about what are what our I mean, our our what we're doing this weekend is about what our kids are doing this weekend. That's not what we were doing. There's never a thing about what we were doing this weekend. Um, and I I think then the time comes where the kids move out and they go on with their lives, and the rest of your lives are then gonna be what are we doing this weekend? Um and you have to make that effort to to be friends again to um want to do. I mean, maybe you want to go and do something that really I could care less about, but I'm gonna do that because it's something that you enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

And and and we want to spend time together.

SPEAKER_03 13:28

Yeah. So I may not enjoy it, but I do enjoy being with you.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

And I think sometimes that's what we have to look at. That's a good point that um you may not enjoy the task.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

Um the one person really loves to do whatever. Um, and you may not really enjoy that, but you do it because you enjoy being with that other person. Right. Um, just like if you had a best friend, you're like, I just want to hang out with you. I don't care what we do.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

It's kind of the same thing. If um, you know, maybe and it's and it's a give and take as friends. Like, hey, you know, what and as as a married couple, it's we're gonna go do this and I'm gonna be a joyful participant. Next time it's gonna be something you want to do, and I may

Showing Up For What They Love

SPEAKER_01 14:10

not care to do that activity, but I get to hang out with you, so it's fun.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

How many new kids on the blocks concert have you been to?

SPEAKER_01 14:16

I think like seven, haven't I?

SPEAKER_03 14:18

Yeah, probably.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:20

Did you love them though? You did.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

I mean, I liked them.

SPEAKER_03 14:23

You did.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

I mean, I mean, yeah, it's cool. Yeah, you it was cool that I mean it was cool they got to see me. Um, the new kids. I mean, I got to Donnie. Uh that one time he got to shake my hand. I mean, I knew he was pretty excited about that.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

That was the time that you jumped in front of me to to touch Donnie before I could.

SPEAKER_01 14:42

There's no video to prove that. There is a video to prove that. But I don't think it's me and jumping in front of you.

SPEAKER_03 14:47

It was. I have to.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

I think Donnie pushed you aside to get to me.

SPEAKER_03 14:50

I don't think so. But to say that, you always been supportive of my love for my boys and went to the the contours with me.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

Yeah. And we took the girls and we did.

SPEAKER_03 15:05

We I needed I need all my kids to experience my love for new kids on the block. Um those are and you know, the things that I do with you are move equipment. I mean, that's not what I want to spend a Saturday doing.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

And how many times have you been to a a race, an event, a mud run, all of them, a half marathon? All of them. And you have to sit out in the cold, in the heat, the cold, the kill standing along, it's miserable.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

All to be at the end and go, you did a spectacular job.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

And never once have I gotten done and go, what in the world took you so long?

SPEAKER_03 15:41

Even the one that took eight hours.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

That was supposed to take two.

SPEAKER_03 15:45

I filed a missing person's report.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

He's lost somewhere on the mountain.

SPEAKER_03 15:51

But yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

I was found though.

SPEAKER_03 15:53

Yeah, but yeah. So again, those are not things that I enjoy in any way, fashion or form, but you do, and I am supportive of that.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

And and and just like going to new kids, it's not something that you know I do on my own, but still I want to be there because it's something you like. I want to be there to help drive to navigate, to say, let's go this way. And and same thing, um, you know, moving equipment for me. It's not something you want to do, but you know, it helps me a lot. And you get to spend time with me, and it just makes my life easier. Same thing with the races. You know, you being there at the beginning and at the end makes a big difference for me. Um, it it just calms me and helps me. Um, so it's something you do for me. It's not something you want to spend your whole Saturday doing or Sunday. It's like, ooh, that's fun. Um, but you do it, and and I think that's what we do for each other um when we uh want to share those experiences. Yes. Again, because when I get done at an event, I want to tell you all about it. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

How it went, everything that happened inside the event.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Yeah, whether it went good or bad or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 16:57

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

And um same thing at a concert. You want to enjoy that your love that you've had since they started in puberty. Um and you want to share that with me. We want to share it together.

SPEAKER_03 17:13

Right. And or or any other things that I love, not just new kids. Not just new kids, anything. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Yeah. Um, but we we do them together. And I just think it's important um that we work on

Intentional Dating And Marriage Legacy

SPEAKER_01 17:25

that friendship. We as collectively as as married couples.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Um, and it really takes work because we've been there when your kids are little.

SPEAKER_03 17:33

Yeah. But I do think that, you know, at that time, we that is I I feel like that is around the time that we really started looking um around and thinking, what did we want things to look like in the future? Because we knew without a doubt, the kids were gonna grow and leave us. That's what happens in life. And that's what should happen. What should happen. Um, and I didn't want it to not happen, but I'm saying I did also did not want them to leave and us not be friends. I I wanted once they left to things be good at home because we knew who the other person was and we still enjoyed being around each other. And that's, you know, I feel like that's when we decided that.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

And so, and I mean we had to be very intentional about that.

SPEAKER_03 18:28

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Um, about about doing going out on dates and doing things. Um, sometimes we might miss something here and there because we wanted to um spend that time together. And I think again, it's it's it's also showing your kiddos, um, because I think as parents, we feel that we're supposed to be there for everything, to let let them do everything. Um, because little um Susie's friend is doing it that that she wants to do it. But I think also it's too it's important to show our our kids that um we come first as uh mom and dad of of husband and wife. Um that sometimes us spending time together um is more important than that event. Um because we're working on a relationship, we're working on a friendship. Um and and I think that's important to show our tour kids instead of uh saying you're number one.

SPEAKER_03 19:20

Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

Uh because they're not always gonna be number one.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

They're not number one.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

The world's gonna tell them real quick.

SPEAKER_03 19:27

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

And I think sometimes kiddos find that out when they go to college and realize, oh, oh, I'm not as special as I thought I was.

SPEAKER_03 19:36

Where's the snack bags for game day?

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Where's the snack bag? And I I just think it's important we show that to our kids. Right. Uh, but but but we also have to and being, we've talked about in our marriage group before, leaving a legacy for your marriage, um, a marriage legacy. Um, and that's something, a legacy is something that's passed on down um and keeps getting passed on down. I think that's a powerful thing you can pass on down to your kids is a marriage legacy. What does that look like? Um and and partly it is that it's okay if your kids say, you know what, mom and dad didn't always put me first. That they're gonna be okay with your kiddo's gonna be okay. I I promise.

SPEAKER_02 20:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

Um if you make a habit of it, right? That's one that's another problem. That's another hole. That's another one. That's another problem. Um, but from time to time when you go, hey, mom and dad come first.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Yeah. Um we're gonna do this this time.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

We're gonna do this. And and that's okay. Um, because that's how um because any friendship, think about any friendship you've been in, it's cultivated.

SPEAKER_03 20:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

Um, from the choices you make, putting the other person first, making being intentional.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

Yeah. Friendships don't just happen. Now, when your kids are little, you know, you you intentionally put them with certain kids. You know, I want them to hang around with this child more. I want them to hang around with this, and you can kind of do that. Um, but you will find out as as they get older, as you get older, they're gonna go find their group of friends and they're gonna work on that group of friends, just like I work on my friendships. Um we all do. Uh it's you put work in to make relationships work, and it's the same as I'm gonna put work in to make sure that you're my best friend.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

And that you're my favorite person.

SPEAKER_03 21:23

My favorite friend.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

My your favorite friend. Um because favorite, a favorite thing you'll choose over and over and over again.

SPEAKER_02 21:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:32

Um so that is um uh you know, really a friendship is is vital to our marriage.

The Hot Take That Hits Hard

SPEAKER_01 21:41

And each week um we like to leave you with something we like to share our thoughts, ideas, but we also really want to leave you with something you can take into your marriage. Um, that you can listen to this for 20, 30 minutes, and you can have an action an actionable hot take. What's the thing that you can take away? Um, and each week Kim um shares that. With us. It's the only thing scripted. Um, so we we get it accurately.

SPEAKER_03 22:04

So um today's hot take is if you wouldn't be friends without the title, the title won't save you.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

That's powerful.

SPEAKER_03 22:15

Today's hot take. If you wouldn't be friends without the title, the title won't save you.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

So just because you have you're married, if you're not friends, that title is not gonna keep you married. Um we're not advocating divorce. Not at all. Not at all.

SPEAKER_03 22:36

We're advocating work on work on your friendship to work on your marriage.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

Um, because it's not just a title. No, it's something you invest in. Um if we're gonna wear that title with a badge of honor, we have to put some work into that um uh that that title. And so that is so that's what we encourage you with today on today's hot take is um be your friend.

SPEAKER_03 23:01

Yeah, I got a friend in you.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

I got a friend in you. And thank you so much for joining us on today's marriage hot takes. Um, and as always, I'm Aaron.

SPEAKER_03 23:12

I'm Kim.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

And we'll see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes.

Share Subscribe Review Goodbye

SPEAKER_03 23:16

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_03 23:25

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment.

SPEAKER_01 23:29

They're built in small, intentional choices made every day.

SPEAKER_03 23:32

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.