Ep7: When Mental Health Enters A Marriage

We get honest about what it looks like when anxiety and mental health struggles start shaping everyday life, from social plans to simple decisions at home. We also share the small, practical ways we support each other when one of us feels anxious and the other does not. 

• a real story of anxiety showing up as a physical health crisis and long medical testing 
• how social anxiety creates “planning” every conversation and avoiding crowds 
• what panic looks like in real time and how being late can trigger a spiral 
• why we choose specific support tools like arriving early and setting clear meet-up spots 
• noticing physical signs of overwhelm and using subtle reassurance 
• how home days can still feel heavy and why coping skills matter 
• money anxiety and why we divide responsibilities to reduce triggers 
• the reminder that marriage includes both strengths and struggles 

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. 

Transcript

Welcome To Marriage Hot Takes

SPEAKER_02 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_02 0:13

This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone. Let's get into today's hot take.

Why We Share Real Marriage

SPEAKER_02 0:41

Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Erin, along with my wife, Kim. Um, we are here each week just to share a little bit about our um successes, our failures, and everything in between on the last 22, almost 22 years of our marriage. And each week, we just want to share a little bit with you and leave you with a hot take each week that you can um take into your marriage, take into your relationship that can just start a conversation because conversations are so important in marriage, and we just want to give you a hot take that you can take um right in and uh finish up an episode and apply it right away. So uh to as I mentioned, we've been married uh 22 years, almost 22 years. We're just a little shy of 22 years. Um and we've talked about on up other episodes, um, we're definitely different people um today that we were than we were when we got married when we were 28. Um and as we've talked about on up other episodes um about improving and um changing from the inside out. Um and those things we we've talked about, um, both of us have

When Anxiety Turned Physical

SPEAKER_02 1:55

worked on intentionally. Um and but there's also some things in marriages that happen unintentionally, yeah. Um really they're sneaky sneaky.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

Um and we touched on it before um in another episode about um some physical um health problems you had had. Yes. Um as our oldest went off to college.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Um and the doctor, we went to all kinds of different doctors. Yes, um, because surely it was a physical problem. It had to be something physically wrong.

SPEAKER_00 2:32

There was something physically wrong with me.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

Um, we spent probably over a year um trying to find an answer. Trying to find an answer of what that was. Um and and and through that year, you uh probably lost 30 pounds over that year. At least. At least. Um and were really getting um unhealthy, having a lot of issues because of the weight loss and being sick. Um, and I mean we had a gazillion tests done.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

Every test you could have done.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

Uh, because surely it was physical until we went to one doctor um that explained it a little bit different than all the rest.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Right. A little bit nicer.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:15

And just because the other doctors, I just would walk out. I'd be done.

SPEAKER_02 3:19

Yes, you wouldn't give them the time of day. No.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

Um, and so that was um how old it was in 2016.

SPEAKER_02 3:27

2016. So 10 years ago. Yeah. So right about 40. Yeah, right about 40.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

I was 40.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Yeah, 40.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Um I'm surprised they didn't use that as an answer.

SPEAKER_02 3:38

Of you're just going through perimetopolsia. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

But they already knew I'd already explained I had I was not.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

That's true. Um so because again, you'd already had um in your late 20s, had a hysterectomy. Yes. Um, for some other issues. Um, so the doctor, our son goes off to college, spent a year um trying to diagnose what's physically wrong. Um, we finally go to a doctor and he prescribes and um anti-exam.

SPEAKER_00 4:11

Anti-anxiety medicine.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

Anti-exantity. Anti-anxiety medicine.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

For my stomach.

SPEAKER_02 4:16

For your stomach, not because of anything else he's doing.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

No, it wasn't for anxiety.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

He he he he posed it as um I figured.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Research has shown. Research has shown.

SPEAKER_02 4:25

Um, because um that that would really help with whatever with the physical. He then never really said what he never said this is your diagnosis.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Yeah, he said that that would help relax the stomach muscles.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

Yes. That's what we needed. Because your your biggest problem was you couldn't hold anything down, you can hardly eat. Um, everything would just just, I mean, it just couldn't hold it in. Um, and and so you you got on the medicine um and things started to improve.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

And he sent me to a a different doctor, a gastro doctor, who he said deals with cases that are um hard to solve. And that doctor thought that we were doing the right things. And just to stay on stay on that and try new foods every week, add something in.

SPEAKER_02 5:14

And so being on the medicine, um, you added foods in, it uh eventually came back, your appetite came back, uh, weight came back, all the things started to improve. Um I mean, I mean, and it was affecting your life because you were training clients at the time. Um, and and mean you you had to leave in a 30-minute session probably five or six times.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

During the session.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Um, because you couldn't get through. So it was really affecting a lot of things. And um, so you gradually started to improve. Um, and really, it turns out as we look back, it was nothing physically wrong because they kept asking, Well, have you experienced any changes, any anxiety, any kind of uh and you said, No, just been out of the country, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

We've done all the things.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

My son went to college. Um, but I mean, it's nothing, nothing abnormal.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

Yeah. And and and so I was handling that well.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Yes. Um, so so really it, I mean, as we look back and long drawn out story to really say that it was a mental health issue. It wasn't a physical issue, but the the mental health issue was coming out in a physical issue.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Yes. Because come to find out, um, if you if you don't address the mental issue, it will physically, it will physically come out. It is going to affect your body in one way or another.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Even when you say, Oh, I'm handling this great, I'm doing great.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

And I thought I was.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

Yeah. I mean, you you were exercising, you were uh I was doing all the right things. Yeah. Not not drinking, not smoking.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

I mean, you're I mean, by all I was a healthy, yeah, I was a healthy 40-year-old female doing all the right things, but um anxiety will shut your body down.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

And and I mean it really took a while, I mean, probably a couple years to really come back from that.

SPEAKER_00 7:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

Um, to fully feel good again.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

To bounce back from that.

SPEAKER_02 7:14

And and eventually, um, I don't remember, you remember how long you were on the medicine?

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Oh, I was probably a couple of years when I was no, probably a year when I was like, I think I'm good now.

SPEAKER_02 7:24

And and then and then one day you just I just said I'm good. Yeah, which is typical of what you do. Uh I'm good, I'm gonna be done with this.

SPEAKER_00 7:30

I'm done with this today.

SPEAKER_02 7:31

Yeah, I I don't need to do this anymore.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

Nope.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

I didn't. Um and and so you didn't.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

I didn't, and I didn't do it the correct way. I just said I'm done with this today.

SPEAKER_02 7:39

Yeah, so that's not our advice.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

No.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

Is to just discontinue any type of you should always listen to a doctor, you should always listen to a doctor and taper it off because again, it's not the safest way and how it didn't go even worse wrong.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:52

Um, if that's a word worse wrong. Worse wrong. Yeah, I I mean we're really we're really fortunate that it didn't go it didn't escalate further than what it did.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

I but but for me, I did feel like I feel like I'm good now, and I have handled myself well since then. Uh well.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Yeah, so so that's kind of we're we're kind of leading into what we want to talk about today. Um, because that was um a year long um having problems with it, and it was a couple years um getting better. Yep. Um, and then we we rock on for a number of years. Yeah. Um, and probably the last um two or three years.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

Um, and and and if we're being honest, um it has increasingly got a little bit more um progressive. Yep. Um and um really what we're talking about is really your anxiety.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

Um it's not to the my mental health. Your mental health. It's not um necessarily anxiety. Um, it's part of it. I mean, anxiety is a part of it. Um and and so if as I say progressively worse, um how would you explain your your

What Her Anxiety Looks Like

SPEAKER_02 9:10

your me you know, because I think we hear a lot about mental health. Yeah. And so we say mental health and we can think all kinds of things, but how does that how does the mental health look for you?

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Uh well, I have I feel like I have good days and bad days. And um just uh I feel like like getting out around people is a big deal. Like just to be around people uh causes me a lot of anxiousness. I worry about what people are thinking, what they might say, um, what I might say. Like I think that I need to already have a plan going in to talk to someone of how I think that the conversational goes. So I have all of my responses figured out, which then causes a whole thing in my head. Or if something were to like if I think something might be off with the kids, um, just causes me to kind of shut down. And it just goes from there. I mean, it's from little things to big things, and it really just uh it's easier to stay at home than to be out and about around.

SPEAKER_02 10:26

And and so like sometimes even like during a day, if you have something to do later that day, I can't get it. You feel like you have to you can't do anything else that day.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Yes, I'm gonna sit here and wait until I have that at four o'clock. So if if I have to be somewhere at four o'clock all day, I'm gonna have come home from workout and got my shower, and then that day I'm gonna just kind of be like, it's uh it's probably almost time to go and wait on it. Um because I can only do that.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

And then then some days you even if you don't have anything to do, I mean anywhere to be, there's some days you're not like sure what to do around the house. Like you can't decide on um and if there's um some if you have to do two or three things in one day, that's overwhelming to you to do multiple things in a day. Um, again, around being around large groups. Um I'll just give an example um so people can kind of see what it looks like. Um we went out a couple weeks ago with with friends, um, and we're going to a show, a comedy show. Um, and it like you're it's giving you anxiety just right now. Yeah, um as we're talking about it. But um and and we were we're supposed to be there at seven o'clock.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

At the comedy show that was an improv show.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

It was starting at seven o'clock. It was an improv show. So an improv.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

They're gonna make they're gonna just get people from the audience.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

Like whose line is anyway?

SPEAKER_00 11:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

And so if you're watching, you can see Kim now is getting nervous by her hands, um, her movements. Um, but but that but that that that's what it really looks like. Um, it's what it really is. Um and so we were supposed to start at seven o'clock. The the show was supposed to start at seven o'clock, and we got there, we got turned around, and so we got there about five after seven, and we're having to go in, and literally you were um in in the parking lot as we're walking in. I'm with you, but um, or with uh cut two other couple friends. Um, and I mean you're kind of swaying back and forth, you're kind of doubling over, trying to catch your breath, standing back up, um, because your fear going in was tapping your face, was that we're gonna have to go into the show, into the front, and they're gonna pick you to come up on stage. And what are you gonna say? What are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yeah, because I wasn't prepared.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

Wasn't wasn't prepared for that. You were ready, you won't Kim always gives me a hard time for being early everywhere we go. I'm always early. And she said, Of course we're always early. Um, but also it's again, um we're gonna talk about that, but um it's because of part partly because of this reason. Um we were we were late, and so it's giving you a lot of anxiety, even me there with you. Um but it turns out we go in and um the guy And an angel was there, and an angel was there, and he said, Well, let me look up front um to see, and you're thinking, no, no, no. Um, but there's only four spots and there were six of us, so we had to sit in the very back. Yes, we were like the second row from the back. Um, so we were totally safe.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Yeah, we were safe.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

Um, but that's how that that's what it looks like. And so kind of what we want to talk about today, too, is um kind of what that looks like for Kim, just how's it look um in real life? But then as as her husband, how do I manage that?

SPEAKER_00 13:47

Right, because you don't because I you had not experienced that before.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

I I don't I and I don't, I mean, and I don't have it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't have any anxiety, like it didn't bother me, um, anything like that. And so um so just that example, um, even me being close to you really wasn't helping a whole lot. Um even reassuring you, holding your hand, um, wasn't really really reassuring until we till he said, you know, just find a spot in the spot right here. Um But but some of the things I do um is one of those things is being early. Um, because we it's better to be if we're going somewhere, even if we're going to a movie, we'd rather be the first ones in there sitting there waiting for it for 30 minutes and then be the even though we have assigned seats, yeah, then being the last one.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

So we can find it.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

So we can find it.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

We need to find it first.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

So and and her anxiety and um overwhelm and anxiousness also comes out in conversations. Um so and so you went with some friends to a wine bar.

SPEAKER_00 15:00

Uh and there was there was some male friends that were there just at the bar.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 15:10

And and there were and they said And and I had already said, where are y'all gonna be to my friends that were I was meeting, where are you gonna be? So I know I need to know exactly when I go in where I need to look, because I need to go straight there. But when I walked in, then I had some guy friends that were over here that I needed to say hello to.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

You couldn't just walk by and be rude.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

No. And so they just said, What are you up to? And just awkward words flowed out of my mouth. And they were because they were I was not prepared. And there was a reason why that all came out was a whole backstory, but the what came out was, oh, you know, we're just here interviewing future boyfriends. And then my friend was like this, okay, let's go.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

And you just walked away and explained nothing, and we weren't doing that.

SPEAKER_00 16:02

We were just meeting a new friend. Meeting a new friend. A new friend. So nervous that I uh it's just things come out wrong and different, and and I just have to go. Yep, okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

So over the last couple years, um that

How We Manage It Together

SPEAKER_02 16:22

has increasingly got more so.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

Um and and we kind of want to talk about e each couple, um, if one experiences it, the other one doesn't, has to really find a way to manage it that best suits them.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:37

Um so for me, I can't understand um the those feelings.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

How it feels.

SPEAKER_02 16:44

How it feels.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

You don't know how it feels.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

I don't know. I I don't I don't mind getting up in front of people talking. I don't mind going in front of into new places. I don't need to know what door to go into, which is.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

You could go to a new restaurant if you wanted to.

SPEAKER_02 16:56

Yes, and it doesn't bother me.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

Um, so kind of how we have managed through it um to find what works best for us is we just we can laugh a lot about it.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

We do, we have to laugh loud later.

SPEAKER_02 17:13

Um yes. Later, not not at that moment. Yeah, we're not like oh look at you, you know, but about it later, um, which we can kind of bring some fun to it.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 17:23

Um, and it's your way of trying not to hide it.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

Um, and then and then with our our friends, we also share it too.

SPEAKER_00 17:32

Yes, and I share it more now with people.

SPEAKER_02 17:35

I will normally within the last year you have shared more.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Yes, I will normally say to people, I'm I could say something awkward. Um, that's just my anxiety. That's what I do when I get anxious. So it's easier for me to say that uh at the beginning than to say we're here interviewing future boyfriends and walk away. Them think, what is Kim doing?

SPEAKER_02 18:02

And so our joke is usually when she goes with friends is that she needs a handler. Yes, she needs somebody to be with her and not not not leave her alone.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

Um and there's all kinds of things to go with that. With um so when we go on road trips and we go in a convenience store um to use a restroom.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

We have to find a place.

SPEAKER_02 18:20

Uh we always I always have to say, I'll meet you right here by the cases of water. I will be right here. Um and if we go into any kind of store, um, have to be next to you, or at least you have to be able to see me in in the line of sight. A little bit, or you panic.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

I think that you are gone now, forever.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

And and that's and that's your instant thought. If you can't find me, then you think I'm gone.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

Forever.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

Forever. Um, same thing for in a store and for some reason you call me and I don't hear my phone, and then you think somebody already took me.

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Um, you're gonna and and then so for you, you start thinking, how am I gonna get home?

SPEAKER_00 18:53

I plan everything out. Who am I gonna call it within seconds? I have planned everything. Same like if I if I think you or the kids when they were still at home, like if they should have already been home in those, you know, I'm leaving town and I think they've given them enough time to get home, then by the time they do walk through the I've already I mean terrible, but I've already planned a funeral because like everything had just gone wrong, and I'm just waiting for them to come and tell me that there has been a you know, something has happened. And so it's always um immediate worst case scenario. And it was all played out.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

So a couple years ago we were going on a vacation um and we're going on a road trip and and you and I had miscommunicated about what time we were leaving. You thought we were leaving an hour earlier.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

I did.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

Um, so I was at the gym, I was just finishing up, um, and you called me because you thought we were supposed to be leaving and I wasn't even home yet, which is not like you which is not like you because you're always early. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

Do things early.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

And I missed your phone call because I was like getting out of my truck, and so it was it was coming through my truck, but it was on so anyhow, there was a couple of missed calls from me. Yes, and so by the time I called you back, which was minutes, a few minutes, you had already were trying to figure out who to call if you call the police. Uh what if a weight fell on me at the gym?

SPEAKER_00 20:18

Because I knew you were there by yourself, yeah. And I thought you had been there longer than you had. So I was sure you were under a bar, dead.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Dead.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

And this all all played out within a few minutes because I didn't answer your call and I wasn't home because we had just a few minutes, but communicated.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Yeah, but I had been up and already ate and was kind of thinking, like, why is normally home by now? This is odd. And then that starts kind of like, okay, well, I'm gonna give it a few minutes and then so by the time I called and then missed your, you know, you missed your call a couple of times. By that time I had put a good 20 minutes thought process into the whole scenario and what they were gonna find when they came in. And then what they were gonna tell you and and how they would tell me, and then okay, what do I need to do about our vacation? Do uh what who'd I call about that? I mean, uh the whole plan has to is just uh it's a never-ending story in my head.

SPEAKER_02 21:16

So is what um so it's not nothing I can understand.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

No.

SPEAKER_02 21:23

Um so so I can't understand um your feelings when that all is happening. Um but I understand that it does affect you um in all different ways. And so is what I try to do is to minimize those things that I can control that help reduce you having those feelings. And and and one of those is simply um uh standing at a certain place. We have a I mean, if we go into a restroom, we go in at the same time, but w I say I'm gonna meet you right here. I won't move. Or if you go into a store to go to a restroom and I'm waiting in the truck, I say, Well, I'll be right here. And you'll and you'll say in this parking spot. Yes, I won't move. And so it would not be a funny joke for me to move two spots over. Yeah, that's not funny. That would set you in a spiral. So I have to be very, if I'm going somewhere, I'll be this. I'll be back at this time. I'm going to do this. If we go into someplace, and you have signs. So if we're sitting somewhere or we're together and it's in a crowd or with friends, there's certain things you do with your fingers, how you pick at them, the way you tap your fingers, that I recognize. And then I'll I'll do whether it's just put my hand on your leg, put my arm around you, just something subtle to help calm you. Because I can tell that, and I I don't know what it is. I don't necessarily know what it is.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

What's setting that what is triggering it?

SPEAKER_02 23:04

Yes, what's triggering it. I just can tell the the tales, the signs. Um, and so I try to minimize that um best I can. Again, um, as we talk about this, I mean, it's um gotten more and more in the last year, and and you and you've um you've shared more and more about it, more more open about it. Um so it's still a learning process for us. Yeah, for sure. Um, like like probably this past when we went out with friends, that's probably one of the first times um that you and I have been together um with friends that it kind of went to that extent. Yes, you physically um me not really being able to help um much.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Yeah, and I think with that too, was I had some minutes to figure out it was fixing to be, we were in it, we were not gonna make it in because we w once we got turned around, and then um one of my friends brought it up on the GPS and said it's gonna take us 12 minutes to get there, and the show was starting in 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

So we already knew we were.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

So I immediately was already starting to panic because we were in Fort Worth, and so I knew that we were not gonna be there before it started. And so I had all those minutes of our drive of everybody kind of trying to make a joke about it and be funny, like, oh, we're gonna be late, where in my mind, um is uh it wasn't if it wasn't funny for me.

SPEAKER_02 24:36

Yeah. It was very stressful, yeah, and very um almost panicky.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:40

Um for the rest of it, it was just oh, okay, we'll just it's not a big deal. But for you, it was uh and so so the really the challenge is to um understand if your spouse, um, whether it's husband or wife, yeah, um, battles with these uh mental um health

Home Life Money And Old Patterns

SPEAKER_02 24:58

issues. To how can you help um help them emotionally, um, maybe help them physically?

SPEAKER_00 25:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

And I will say too, for you about you, um when I'm at home and I'm lucky enough to be at home, because I don't think I could work outside the home anymore, but and that's a discussion we've had lately that that it would be a big challenge.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

It would be a very big challenge um to go into a job. But even just being at home, you know, some days are just overwhelming. And it's not any thing in particular. It's just and if I you know, you can sense it through the text throughout the day that maybe my day isn't going well. And honestly, it's just me here. I mean, there's not a lot that can go on, but you can you you know on the days that I'm having a hard day. And I will say, I mean, you're never um you're always so good about it. I was even telling my mom this morning that you were so good about saying, why don't you just sit down and color the rest of the day? And that's something that calms me is I color on my iPad and um you're so good about saying, I why don't you sit and you know, instead of being like, what could possibly be so stressful? But little things can get in my head, and then I and or you know, I just might get overwhelmed, like I I don't know. I should I mop today? I probably should mop today. I don't know, I maybe I shouldn't mop. And then that can be a whole day's thing of me worrying, like, should I mop or should I not mop? And that can overwhelm me. And so you are so good about letting me be and and supporting that. So I am thankful for that because I mean, you could be like, uh, it's time for you to go to work and you need to suck it up, and you don't do that to me. So thankful for that. Even even sometimes you might get a little frustrated if we're on a train or something and I start having a panic attack, but you've always done well. You you we get it together.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

Yes. And and so as you listen to that, and you might hear her day and go, What could you possibly what could you possibly be overwhelmed about? Um and and when you I'd say when you have a lot more going on, and and I mean your big schedule every day is going to work out in the morning, and and then after that, the day is yours. Um but but that is how powerful um mental health um can be, mental struggles can be.

SPEAKER_01 27:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:53

Um, because I mean it seems super simple to me.

SPEAKER_01 27:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:58

But I know in like you said, even mopping, should I, shouldn't I? And you have all the reasons why you should, why you shouldn't. Is it gonna rain? Is it not? Do I wait for the dog? All the things. Um, and it just becomes overwhelming. And and the thing is, is when we got married, you did not experience any of those. Um, and it's just been a little bit at a time.

SPEAKER_00 28:20

Um and I did have it, yeah, when I was young, we just didn't realize it. You know, I'm we didn't there wasn't a name. I just knew I was having some troubles.

SPEAKER_02 28:31

And and the interesting thing, we've we've talked about um, you did write a book um about your childhood and about memories you had, really about the childhood um you cherished, and because you always say you had a great childhood, but you've mentioned before that through the writing of that book, you you realized um some of the um kind of the your characteristics you have now.

SPEAKER_00 28:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

Um were present then that you didn't really know. And some of the things that um you just thought that's part of being a child, you realize that does affect you now as as a 51-year-old female, um, that those had an impact.

SPEAKER_00 29:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:13

Um, and you really realize that through the the through that writing.

SPEAKER_00 29:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 29:17

Um, of how you felt. And and and so those things can lay dormant for a while, um, and then they can resurface.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:26

Um and I and I think I don't know if we're always looking for a solution for it.

SPEAKER_00 29:34

Yeah, I don't either. And um, you know, and it and it affects everybody different ways, you know. Uh it kind of paralyzes me, but at the same time, sometimes it, you know, I will just sh sit and shake or shiver, you know. But I didn't always realize that that's what it was. Again, the same with going to the doctor. I mean, like that was never on my radar that well, maybe it is anxiety because I didn't really I really I thought I was handling life well. Turns out I wasn't.

SPEAKER_02 30:13

And and so we do talk about it more. We do talk about it all. And your awkwardness is is things you'll say to people. I mean, um, I mean, just like we were working out the other morning, you got your fingers all crossed in a in a kettlebell.

SPEAKER_00 30:26

I did, I couldn't.

SPEAKER_02 30:27

And I literally couldn't get undone. I was stuck. And so I had to come help you get unstuck.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

Yes, and and I think that the majority of the class thought it was a kind of a funny.

SPEAKER_02 30:35

Being funny.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

But you saw the look in my face to know I'm about to panic.

SPEAKER_02 30:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 30:40

Which meant that kettlebell was probably fixed to land on my face because I was couldn't get my hands out, and then I was gonna start being jerky and just try to get out.

SPEAKER_02 30:50

You would panic.

SPEAKER_00 30:51

Because I was panicking.

SPEAKER_02 30:52

And and so so it started out as a funny, but if I hadn't stepped in to to help and let it play out, it would have not ended well because you would have kind of freaked out about it.

SPEAKER_00 31:01

Yeah, I would have. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:02

Um and so there's times that uh for me, I try to help uh minimize that um when we're out and about um to help protect um and help manage it.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Um and I will say, I mean, just very, very, very blunt and honest and transparent is money makes me very, very, very anxious. Everything about money makes me anxious. And he take you you take all of that. You you take care of all of it, and you do that to shield it, to shield me from having to deal with that. Because just for instance, when we bought my car, I didn't want to know how much it was. I knew what I wanted. That was the car I wanted, and you went and made that happen. And I did go, but I had to sit far away, not go in with you because I didn't want to know how much the car was. And and you told the guy um immediately, she doesn't want to know any of that. Don't tell her. And you took care of all that. And I told you then I don't ever want to know how much it was until I don't want to know my car payment until we pay it off. And the day you paid my car off is the day I found out how much my car was and how much the car payment was, because it overwhelms me. So when people say, How much was your uh, how much it was your electric bill this month, or how much was your I have no idea.

SPEAKER_02 32:32

And it's not necessarily because you're you're kept uh kept woman, is that what you say?

SPEAKER_00 32:36

Like you're a kept man.

SPEAKER_02 32:38

Yeah. Um it it's really because I know those things, if she would know, would would give her anxiety. It doesn't matter the amount, um, big, small, um, just the uh the numbers would cause you.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

Yes. I can only handle my little my my account.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 32:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:55

And and and again, that wasn't always like that. No, no, it has progressively again. Um so as we talk, I don't know if I'm helping or hindering you, um, quite honestly.

SPEAKER_00 33:07

Well, as we talk, I'm like, huh, maybe I should be back on that medicine.

SPEAKER_02 33:10

Maybe this is therapy for us as we um maybe that medicine wasn't working. As we say, we don't have any script, and as we um as we and we're not professionals. Yeah, as we couple therapy here um ourselves and realize, huh, maybe we do um have some issues.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

But I don't want you to stop what you're doing. I don't want to have to go back to the real world.

SPEAKER_02 33:32

Well, time good job, man. Um huh. So um don't always take our advice. Yeah, um, but we're just saying this is what works for us. This is what has worked for us, and how we we work on managing it.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 33:46

Um, because uh you don't have to understand what it feels like um as a spouse to do all that. I mean, how it feels. Um, I don't know how you are feeling.

SPEAKER_00 33:55

Right. Like you, you no matter how many times I can tell you like this is how you're never gonna know what that feels like.

SPEAKER_02 34:02

Right. Because I mean, to me, like how do you decide to mop or not? I'm like, that's crazy, just do it.

SPEAKER_00 34:08

I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:08

To me, I mean, logically thinking, like, well, you just do it or don't do it.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

I mean, or you just say your words.

SPEAKER_02 34:14

Or you just say your words.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

I mean, like to like sometimes when you look at me to say an open-ended question, uh that would make that makes me too nervous.

SPEAKER_02 34:24

So that's why we always say she's a loose canon because we don't know what words are gonna come out.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

Yeah, because they get all mixed up.

SPEAKER_02 34:29

But but but so but those things are hard sometimes and you get overwhelmed in anxiety, but you're very creative. Um, you're very good with written words, um, and you're very good at those things, but um very awkward. Um you you can say odd things. Um, it's almost like Tourette's, but you don't cuss. Um it's just it's just random stuff that you go, where'd that come from?

SPEAKER_01 34:51

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 34:52

Um, and then sometimes it's it's hard for you to find the right word. Um, so you might go through a bunch of different words um before you find the right word. But um I guess we just wanted to share how we manage it.

SPEAKER_00 35:05

Yeah, um this is what we do, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:07

And um, and just because one spouse doesn't have it doesn't mean that you can't still uh help your spouse and and be a part of that. And if that looks like medication, um then by all means then then do that.

SPEAKER_00 35:21

Right.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

Um we just have found that we can manage it this way.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

Well, we thought we had until we talked about it today.

SPEAKER_02 35:30

So I don't know. You may see us in your in your doctor's office. Um who knows? So if you see us there, you know exactly why. Um should get on medicine. No. Um, but uh for now, we'll uh we might have a discussion after this.

SPEAKER_01 35:43

But we're not.

SPEAKER_02 35:46

We're not, as you can see her start to tap her. Um so um, all that being said, we do have a hot take for

You Marry Struggles Too

SPEAKER_02 35:54

the first time. We do, and I have that, and that is the only part that's written and scripted.

SPEAKER_00 36:00

Today's hot take. You don't marry someone's strength, you marry their struggles too. And you did.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

And um, this was all about um Kim's mental health struggles and the struggles and things, but um have no doubt um that in other episodes we'll talk about my struggles that I married. Yes, because um don't think struggles are one-sided. They're not.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

And just because maybe one partner or spouse has mental struggles, that again doesn't mean the other partner doesn't have their own. You know, it may not be mental health, it may be something else, but you married, you married them, and and that is your job to to help them.

SPEAKER_02 36:51

To help them.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

To help them through, to be a better person, to help them feel better, to love them through it. And you you do love me through it, and I appreciate that. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_02 37:02

And that's really our um challenge to you is that to remember you didn't marry their strengths, you married the struggles, which is the good, the bad, and the ugly. Um, and all that goes with it, however that looks. So that's our challenge, and that's our hot take um to you. So thanks for joining us today on Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Aaron.

SPEAKER_00 37:22

And I'm Kim.

SPEAKER_02 37:23

And we'll see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes.

Share Subscribe And Leave A Review

SPEAKER_00 37:26

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_02 37:29

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 37:35

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment.

SPEAKER_02 37:38

They're built in small, intentional choices made every day.

SPEAKER_00 37:42

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.