Ep 8: The Last Day Married

We get honest about “till death do us part” by imagining the last day of our marriage and asking what would make us proud of the story we lived. Then we work backward from that final snapshot to the daily choices that protect love through busy seasons, burdens, and change.
• why “till death do you part” hits differently when you picture it
• the truth that every marriage ends in death or divorce
• defining what a “successful marriage” means to you
• using the snapshot and photo album metaphor to reframe the past
• how parenting seasons can crowd out the marriage story
• what we want our marriage to look like in 10 and 20 years
• reverse engineering the last-day picture into kinder daily decisions
• faith and wiping away hurt to see what you already have
If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey

What Marriage Hot Takes Is

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everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

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We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

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This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

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It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

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We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

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So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone.

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Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. I'm your host, Aaron Degler, along with my wife Kim. I'm so glad you joined us today. Um each week uh we we like to share um a hot take with you after we talk about our topic. We always want to leave you with a hot take that um you can take into your relationship, into your marriage, um, and it really sparks conversation. That is really our goal. Today uh we're gonna talk something about it's a little bit challenging. Um, we actually had this conversation earlier um as we were discussing topics and what we wanted to talk about um today, and uh kind of had this idea, but it was it took me a moment to be able to share it with Kim because I would like it made you emotional. Yes. So the hope is that we can get through this today with without um having to get emotional.

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Because then we stopped talking about it and just said, yeah, it's a go. Yeah, let's do that.

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And we're like, well, what are we gonna talk about? I don't know, let's just go for it. Uh okay. So

The Notebook And The Vow

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one of our favorite movies is the notebook.

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It's the best.

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It's the best. If you haven't ever watched in the notebook, it's just the best cry. It is. It's just the most wonderful story. Um, it starts with an older couple, and he's the gentleman's reading a book to this lady.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

Um in a facility.

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In a facility, and really she has uh dementia. Um but he's reading this book to her. And um, spoiler alert, if you haven't watched it, this can be a spoiler alert.

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But he was reading her a story.

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He's reading her a story, and it's from a book, and he's reading it to her. Um and and so as he's reading it to her, then it goes the movie goes into them playing the parts as is as really he's reading it out. And as this as the movie ends, it turns out that the story he is reading to her is really their love story. Um, and that's really his wife. Um, and she doesn't remember that. There's moments when she has clarity, um, as those that disease allows sometimes is that clarity. Um, and she recognizes as who he is, and he takes those for just a moment. Um, but it's just the sweetest thing, and and and again, spoiler alert, how the movie really ends, uh do you want to share how it ends?

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He goes and because he has put himself in that facility as well. So they're living there together, and he goes and gets in her bed and lays with her, and they they die the same night.

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They go in the next morning and find them and they've uh passed away. And so that kind of brings us around to um our topic today is in our vows. Um, we both, as we've said before, we got both had uh nice church weddings. The first time. The first time. Um the second time uh we uh were married at just as the Kelly's mom married us. Um I've done a couple weddings of of um ordained a couple weddings, uh and all of them asked the same thing, or part of the vows were all the same. And it was um to honor, love, cherish, and then the end of those vows are till death do you part.

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Yes.

Every Marriage Ends Somewhere

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And all marriages end. Every marriage ends, every marriage ends in one of two ways: death or divorce, or divorce.

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And and when we get married, I don't know if we think about that every marriage ends, every marriage will end, and it's up to you on how that ends.

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And so our yes, whether it's death or divorce. As we've talked about before, it's in our daily choices.

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It is.

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And as we think about till death do you part, um, and we think about that movie, um, The Notebook, when he goes into lay with her and they die in their sleep. Till Death Do Us Part. And as we're talking about this, as um we think about if we're in that moment, I might I might not even be able to look at you while I talk about this. Oh look, look away. Kind of like Ray Stevens. Don't look, Ethel. I've done been mooned. I mean, you brought up a song about bring back my boomerang. So I can bring up a little Ray Stevens. Don't look, Ethel. Don't look Ethel.

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Laugh, laugh, laugh.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Yes. Uh that's our way, that's our coping technique. Yeah, that's how we cope. Yeah. Um, you can use it if you want. But our our question really is, and our questions was to ourselves also, and we really couldn't discuss it much, um, only because we get too emotional. So we thought, why not do it while we're recording?

SPEAKER_00 5:50

Turn the camera on and discuss it.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

That sounds like a really good idea. So if it was, if if if we were in that situation, if you were and and and you knew it was your last day married, um, because today was the day until death do you part. Um, if we were that fortunate to know that that was that last day, what would we want to look over our marriage and say that was a good marriage?

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That was a successful marriage.

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That was success and again, when we say successful, my definition of successful, your definition of successful, um, those of each of you would be different of what that looks like. And so it really is an individual question of how does that what does that look like? And I think sometimes that we start we think about our marriage and that's what we work towards. We think about it. But what if we thought about it at the end and worked our way back? If we were on our deathbed together, and we or or and maybe it's not both of you, maybe I mean, I don't know if any of our are or many of us are that fortunate.

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Right.

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It might be a death of a spouse that you have that opportunity to hold their hand. Don't look ethical. But if if you had that opportunity And maybe it could be either one, it could be husband, it could be wife, but individually as you look back, what would that look like?

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I think that you look at that and you you think about your whole marriage, and if you're blessed with a long marriage and you think of it as like a roller coaster, and there were ups and downs, and there were twists and there were turns, and you look at that and still think that was the best of time. That was the best ride. Yes, there were moments where my heart was racing, and yes, there was times where I was fearful, or yes, there was times when we dropped and I thought we were never coming back up. But when we finished the ride, we said that was the most fun. I want to do it again.

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Well, uh the the silence. Don't

The Snapshot Vs The Whole Story

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make me be awkward. Um, this week we've been talking about uh in in our walking talks and sitting talks at M2B Fitness, we've been talking about the past and how the past is simply a snapshot. And oftentimes we take that snapshot and carry us carry it with us and make it um our our sentence. It it's we identify as that. And and I likened a snapshot this week um to back in the day when we used to have photo albums. Right. Like you like I remember my parents, my grandparents were big travelers um all over the world. They loved to travel. And it was a big deal to go over to their house and look through their photo albums, and they could tell you all about it.

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And they told you the story.

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They told you the story about it. And they didn't just pick out one of the worst times and say that was the worst trip ever. Um, really is what it was. It was a bunch of snapshots. Um because then you'd have to lug this big camera, this big camcorder around if you wanted to film it, so that we didn't. Um we didn't have the phones in our pocket. But and we'd go over there and they would tell us about every picture. And the photo album was the story. And I think about, you know, as they uh are our, you know, we always have a I don't know if they do anymore. I think they do, but we had a a wedding album, like that was a big deal. Yeah, and I don't know if they still do that.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

I know that they still do that. I think they print their photos and put them on the walls, yeah, probably or keep them digitally and do something.

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Yeah, um, and and really um it's of that day.

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Yeah, it was the beautiful day.

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It's the most beautiful day, the whole day. And what if we're thinking about um that that photo album that we have on our last day? Maybe it's instead of it says our wedding day, that photo album says the last day we were married. And it's full of each page is maybe when a child is born. When a grandchild is born.

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You got me with the grandchild.

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Sorry, kids, I didn't get her with the child. I got her with the grandchild. Good luck, kids. Now you know why the grandchildren are loved more than you.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

No, I just think that I think you go through those seasons of life and you take it so for granted. You know, you're you get married, and the next step is when you're having a baby and you have the baby, and you know, as I say to our son who has it, has our grandchildren, enjoy making those memories. Or as I tell some of our younger girls at our gym, when you know, they're tired and you know, they're sleep, they're sleep deprived and they're running this every which direction. And I just always take that moment to say, enjoy those moments, you know, enjoy the little dress-up days at school and then you know, enjoy, even enjoy those, throw yourself in the floor and let them cry it out because they're so small in the whole progression of your life, in your whole span. And so when you say, like your kids are born and your grandkids, it makes me so emotional because when my kids were born, I took it for granted. But when your grandchildren are born, you know how precious that those times are, and you can see them fleeting every day. And you just want to just savor every moment of that. And I think that that's what happens in all of our seasons of life is that you go through that season and you're in the next one, and then you realize I think I missed some of that. And I think it's the same way in our marriage, you know. I many times you and I can look back and the kids will talk about different things that we did or didn't do, whatever. Yeah. And so many of those things, I feel like I have a great memory, but so many of those things I don't remember. And it's just simply because it was so hectic that you almost just block that out because you're trying to survive. Um, you know, then the kids move out and they, you know, and you just continue going through those seasons.

Seasons Of Family And Missing Moments

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And and I think, you know, it with you know, if we have a family album, I think that looks way different. Um, because in that family album, there might be some pictures of each of us uh together doing things. But if we think about when our kids were were little, um, even in junior high high school, it would have been filled with them. And I think that's the way many of us are. And if we're if we're looking at at the at our photo album with the last day we were married, and it what if it was just filled, and it's gonna be just filled with us? Just even when, even when we're in that season, even when the kids are five years old, even when they're 10 years old, even when they're in high school and on all the different things, how does our photo album still look? How does it look five years after they've left and we're empty nesters?

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And I I think for me, I want it to look like they were still so in love. They still held hands, they still always brought the other one up. I always want to be able to be your cheerleader, even on that last day. I want to be your biggest cheerleader.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

My grandparents, um George and Florence. Florence was about uh maybe four or seven, maybe on a good day. Um, my grandfather wasn't much taller, but he was probably over a little over five foot. Um, they lived probably a couple miles um from McDonald's, and they would walk there every day for breakfast. And my grandfather wasn't um, he loved to give lectures. Loved to give lectures, especially if you're overweight, he'd really give you a lecture. Never been an overweight in a day in my life. I don't know. I don't he didn't understand that, just blew his mind. Um and and um what's the right word? Not um required a lot from my grandmother.

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Um and she tolerated a lot, and she tolerated a lot.

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She she tolerated a lot. Um but even to this day, um, people will comment to me and and and they've um your grandmother's been gone 20 plus years, yeah, yeah. And and people still will come up to me um and mention that they used to just love seeing the sweet older couple walking down the street holding hands. And even as harsh as my grandfather could be, uh, my grandmother just a sweet lady, um, but he still held her hand. They still held hands. Um and I think sometimes that's uh when we look at our photo album, that's that's one that definitely goes in there. Um it's what do we want our marriage to look like? And and that's an outward, I mean that everybody sees that. Um but but maybe what's the um and I think we have to be intentional.

What We Want To Be Known For

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So if if you and I are sitting here thinking about all of our years together that haven't happened yet, what do we want tomorrow to look like? Is is really what we're saying. Um and being intentional instead of uh and we've kind of always and one of the things we did and we've talked about is we worked on because we knew one day the kiddos would leave and we would be emptying nesters. Right. And so we did work on how do we want that marriage to look? How do we want our relationship to look when we're no longer running around trying to keep up with them? And so we did work on that.

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Yes.

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Um, but now we're empty nesters, and and we begin to think, what do we want, what we want, what do we want it to look like in 10 years, in 20 years? How do we how do we want that to look?

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And how do you want it to look?

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Put me on the spot.

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I know because I feel like I keep telling you how I want it to look, but you you just keep giving stats.

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I don't give stats.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

Well, you keep giving information.

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Sometimes I do that so I can think. Thanks for calling me out on that.

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Well, I just am like I keep telling you how I want it to look, but if you haven't said, and I still haven't said uh well, maybe at the end you'll say.

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Maybe. Uh uh. In honesty, um, if you're not watching this, you think, where do they go?

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Are they still there? That's a good thing.

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That's Kim leaving Aaron out in the in the sea to drown.

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I said before we got started, and what am I supposed to do if if you can't say anything? How am I supposed to sit and talk to this microphone?

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I I I want I want um you know, our last day to look back and go that I protected you with my love that everything you did was to protect. Thanks for speaking for me. Oh my goodness. Um it is to protect and and it to be that I did it because I wanted to make your life better. And everything I did was to um make just life better, whether it's us together, whether it's our experiences, whether it's um hardships, whether it's challenges, um that I protected you.

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And I want you to know that you will always be my favorite person, even on the last decade. Even how you did always protect me.

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So for me, I would think that for my maybe it's our last picture that you know if if you have a last picture like this is our last day, this is our last picture. And and and you might have a different picture. But I would want it to be that you showed no signs of scars. You show no signs of scars because I had I think that you do that every day.

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And I think that anybody in our family would say that.

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So I think about those i if we do have that last picture, you've looked through the the marriage photo album, you you know, you had your on your wedding day photo album, and now you have on the last day of your marriage.

Reverse Engineer Daily Choices

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What is that last picture? What's that snapshot that in that snapshot says it all? And I think if you can see that picture, what is that snapshot? And then you reverse it all the way back to now. How is that gonna alter my decisions? Am I gonna talk a little nicer? Am I gonna be a little bit more understanding? And am I gonna am I gonna have a little bit more sympathy? And am I gonna am I gonna be a little more calmer? Am I gonna be all the things that that busy season gets in the way um of the kids? Um You can remember your childhood like nobody's business. But yet some of those things the kids say you don't remember. It's because what what was it about your childhood? It was carefree. It was the best because it was carefree. Because my kid my parents carried the burdens. Your parents carried the burden, and then nobody told you when you're an adult. You had to carry them. And the thing is, is then you carry those into a a marriage. And then those burdens get heavy in a marriage. And then we get bogged down in those burdens, and we forget what the last snapshot it is we want to want it to look like. Not for anybody else to look through our um uh last day of marriage album, um, but it's for us. It's and it's every experience is a oh, this was this was what we were talking about. For you and I, it's a it's a picnic out on a porch in New Mexico. It's stopping at a roadside park so we can have a picnic. It's go driving and just making jokes and having fun. That's the snapshot. That's it's being goofy together. Those are the snapshots, um, having conversations about um things we don't want anybody else to know about.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

Those are the snapshots. Um and I think um, and we've been guilty of it, of hardships getting in the way of our conversations, getting in the way of our snapshots of w the way we want our marriage to look.

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Or selfishness.

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Our selfishness. We get in the way.

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We get in the way.

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Because we put ourselves first instead of our marriage. Um and not sure if we really gave any lessons today, but um it's more about thinking about that snapshot, I think, is more than anything.

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I think that the lesson is is that you you the challenge is that you picture that last day and how you want that to look, and then you reverse engineer that back to today, and then how are you gonna work through that the rest of your lives? Which it could be tomorrow. We're not guaranteed. We don't know. So that means that every day you are living in that way that you want that last day to look. And for me, I do feel like that every day you live your life, taking all of the battle wounds and all of the scars, just so that I don't have to have a hard life.

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And I and I do it because you're back there going, take that scar. That's the way to do it. You go for it.

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You are so good at that. If you can handle more, go for it. I think you're so awesome.

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But and I can do those things only because you are much earlier.

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It's not saying go get that scar, it's because I'm rooting you on the whole way. I think that's exactly what you should do. You are so fantastic at it.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

Yes. Uh so as you can tell um from our conversation today, we have not discussed this a whole lot.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Um, we couldn't because we started crying and we said we'll figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

As you can see, it's kind of raw. So it um uh so I might challenge you. Almost like you know, if you have that body you want, um, you'd put it up on your mirror so every day or your refrigerator would keep you out of the fridge. Butter eggs. Um peanut butter eggs. Um, but maybe it's that snapshot that you and your spouse discuss, and you you you talk about it often and say, is this um because one, it's intentional living. Yes. And then it's an an intentional marriage. Um, it's a marriage that was intentional. And I think so many times we're unintentional about our our marriage. Um, and that and that's where it kind of gets into some issues. But if we have that snapshot, kind of like if you have that goal body up there, you go, okay, I'm gonna make better choices exercising, make better choices eating. I'm not all the different things that that changes the choices you make. And our last day married snapshot will change the choices each one of us make with our spouse. And I think that's powerful. But as always, um after this emotionally raw episode, we do have a hot take. We do that. You weren't prepared for I was not.

SPEAKER_00 26:55

Uh I will be.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

You know, and and why she's why she's getting that, um, we just had a discussion today in uh Soul Fit.

Faith Lens And The Hot Take

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Um, we we share some Bible verses and a lesson from it. Um we're talking about Hagar and how um God found her and she was asking, um, needing water, and um she wiped away her tears, and there it was. And sometimes I think that's what we need to do is is it's there. We just have to wipe our sadness away or our our hurt from our burdens, those things in the past, to see what we truly have in our relationship with our spouse. Yes, I agree.

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And today's hot take is on the day you complete your vows till death do you part, is that a marriage you're proud of? That's what we got. That's what we got today.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Yep, that's the best uh hot take we may have had. Um if you're laying in bed together and that's the last moment, is it a marriage you're proud of?

Closing And How To Support

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Thank you for joining us today on Marriage Hot Takes. I'm Aaron. And I'm Kim. And we'll see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes.

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Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

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We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

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Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment.

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They're built in small, intentional choices made every day.

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If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

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And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.