Ep 11: Marriage Blind Spots

We connect a car’s blind spot warning to the blind spots we all carry in marriage, and we get honest about how feedback can feel annoying even when it is protecting us. We share real examples from our own relationship and break down how to signal a concern with care so it prevents damage instead of starting a fight. 
• why we believe ongoing conversation keeps marriage healthy 
• the car beep story that leads to the blind spot metaphor 
• what a marriage blind spot looks like day to day 
• Aaron’s tone with the kids as a real-life example 
• Kim’s “let me check on that” pattern and what is underneath it 
• how being talked out after work can read as distance 
• receiving feedback with gratitude instead of defensiveness 
• delivering feedback like a yellow warning not a red stop 
If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Conversations Matter

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_03 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. Thank you for taking a little time to join us today. I'm your host, Aaron Degler, along with my wife, Kim. Each week we like to come and share a little of our successes and failures over the last 22 years. We like to each week leave you with a hot take to take into your marriage, to take into a relationship. That our hope is that it really just starts a conversation, uh, starts a dialogue because um sometimes when we stop having those conversations, whether they're good or bad, is when we begin to have some real issues. So we always want to engage in that conversation. We want to help you start engaging in that conversation because we think they're fun topics and they're and they're really things that um as we're not always fun topics.

SPEAKER_03 1:23

They're not always fun topics.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Uh some of them are hard. Yeah. Um, but but uh and and some of them have made us talk talk more because we we have a topic and then we have to kind of um yes, it's not scripted. Yes, but uh we do talk through it previously, kind of some ideas, and then sometimes some of our episodes we flesh it all out right here, and then we have some revelations while we're doing it, go, oh, that may not have been right.

SPEAKER_03 1:46

I see why that's been working like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

Yeah. Uh so sometimes you're watching us grow in real time. In real time. Um, and again, it's because the conversations we're having, yes, um, that um this kind of I don't want to say forces us, but um encourages us to have those conversations.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

Because believe it or not, we do have a lot of these conversations just at the breakfast table. We do after breakfast.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

We do. Um, and sometimes, I mean, uh a Saturday morning breakfast can be a couple hours because we have those conversations. It could turn into brunch. You're like, let's eat again.

The Car That Won’t Stop Beeping

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Uh so today I want to talk about uh your car. Not yours. Your car drives me nuts.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

It does. I know it does, but I sure love her.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Because I'm an awesome driver.

SPEAKER_03 2:36

He's a terrible driver. He's the worst, probably one of the worst drivers.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

It's not necessarily a bad driver. I just can't stay in the lines.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

Which would constitute a bad driver. Because that's the biggest part of driving.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Well, maybe that's true.

SPEAKER_03 2:52

I don't know. If the same state trooper has pulled you over four times or more, and now just gets you.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Shout out to our Texas State troopers for keeping our roads safe.

SPEAKER_03 3:03

Yes, and now just gives you the, then it could be you.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

It could be you. It could be you. Uh my truck doesn't tell me when I'm over the line. Your car has a beeper that is constantly going off because there must be a malfunction.

SPEAKER_03 3:22

And I could turn it off for you, but I need you to know every time you go over the line.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

B beep, beep, beep beep. Um, again, her car is fancier than my truck. So it also um, if you're turn on your turn signal, or even if you're not turning on your turn signal, it has that little yellow light um that says there's somebody or a car in your blind spot. My truck doesn't have that. It says good luck.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

And it does also have the feature where it will keep you in your lane, but we turned that off.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Yes. Um, because then it'd be constantly jerking us because the capital because the car malfunctions can't be my driving. No, could can't be me.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

But it signals the blind, the blind spot in your car. There's a car here, dummy. Look, it's a big car. Yeah. So uh SUV, I don't guess you'd call it car big. Yeah, it's an SUV. It's a big spot. It's a vehicle. But anyhow, you know, you crank, you can't see all the way back there. So the little, and and a lot of vehicles have them now. Yeah. The little um blind spot signal. And when you're in traffic or when you're not paying attention and you it's very helpful. It's very helpful, very helpful. Um, and we're like, oh, thank goodness for that.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

Goodness, if that hadn't done that, I probably would have hit that car.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

I probably would have had a wreck.

SPEAKER_03 4:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

It could have been bad.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Um, but thank goodness for that little blinking. Numerous times that it has saved a life. Yeah. Or saved from having an accident.

Turning Blind Spots Into Marriage Talk

SPEAKER_00 4:49

But do we do the same in our marriages? In other words, uh all of us have blind spots.

SPEAKER_03 5:00

And by blind spot, do you mean a weakness?

SPEAKER_00 5:09

I think it's that's a good question.

SPEAKER_03 5:16

Thanks.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Why don't you ask that before we started? So I could think about that.

SPEAKER_03 5:20

Because sometimes we just come up with the idea and go, yeah, we'll work that out.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:24

How do you feel how did you, when we discussed this, how did you view the blind spot of your of your own blind spot?

SPEAKER_00 5:32

So I I viewed it as something necessarily we don't see. But but you're right, it could be a weakness. I mean, I think because sometimes we don't see our own weaknesses.

SPEAKER_03 5:41

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

So I think it could be a weakness. Um, because I think blind spot is um something that maybe you don't see that needs to be worked on. So it could be a weakness.

SPEAKER_03 5:56

Uh-huh. So I mean, we won't call each other out, but like if you were to be your own blind spot beeper, so that I have a better example. How well I mean, like for real, I'm being for real. Like, what would that blind spot be?

Real Blind Spot Examples At Home

SPEAKER_00 6:17

So we'll go with with kids.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

So sometimes my tone isn't always the best with our kids.

SPEAKER_03 6:25

Well, you wouldn't have to do that with just kids. That could be with uh numerous situations.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

But I'm just saying with our kids, I mean, if you're asking for a specific example of a blind spot to where I have to take. And there's times after I get done with a conversation or saying something, you go, Your tone. Your tone or the way you came across wasn't the most effective.

SPEAKER_03 6:46

Yeah. Maybe now.

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Bring it down. And and so kind of the thought is that when you tell me, I'm like, well, I mean, I I don't always have to be nice to them, and I kind of get irritated at you.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

I see, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

For pointing out my blind spot.

SPEAKER_03 7:00

Because I said, look at your blind spot.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

Before you mowed over somebody.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

Before I mowed over our kids and said, hey, dum dum. Yeah. Pay attention. Um when, but when in the car we look at it and go, oh man.

SPEAKER_03 7:14

Whoo, thank goodness.

SPEAKER_00 7:15

Thank goodness that saved me.

SPEAKER_03 7:16

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

So what would be yours?

SPEAKER_03 7:20

Uh I'm so perfect that it would be so hard for me to come up with something. Probably. Uh well, you know, back in the day, we used to play good cop, bad cop. And I was always the bad cop. Always. So I would lose my temper fast.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

But that was back in the day. I was kind of thinking about most recently about as well, not even this week, but as we as we uh mature into a new season um of you would have to help me. So because it's so blind you don't even see it.

SPEAKER_03 8:01

It is so blind. Sometimes what do I not see sometimes?

SPEAKER_00 8:05

So I I think sometimes your blind spot, um, and and and it's maybe it's not um like between us,

The “Let Me Check On That” Habit

SPEAKER_00 8:16

right? But maybe your blind spot sometimes is when people ask you to do things.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

And you're really quick to go, no, you're real quick to say, you're real quick, the only thing you're real quick to say, let me check on that. I'll get back to you.

SPEAKER_03 8:29

I'll check on that. I have to. And actually, while people are watching this, they could probably be like this. I'm still waiting on her to check on that.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 8:37

Yeah, that's probably true. That is true. I won't say it's probably true. I'm I I do like to just say, we'll check on. We used to with the kids, it would be we'll see.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 8:46

Now it's let me check on that. And that just means I need some time.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

And so usually you won't tell me anybody has said anything because you don't want to need to point out the blind spot and say, look.

SPEAKER_03 8:58

Yeah, and a lot of times my friends will just come to you first to say, we're gonna go do this.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

And I'll say, and I'll usually say, Yes, you'll be there.

SPEAKER_03 9:08

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

And then I'll have to work on getting you into position where there's not longer a blind spot.

SPEAKER_03 9:15

Yeah, that's accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do hate that, but the that process for me is a whole lot that goes into that as far as, you know, it puts me on the spot when somebody says to you want to go do this. Um and there's a whole lot of things that go through my head at that time that instead of me trying to explain all that to a person, I just the easiest answer is to for me to say, Yeah, I'll check on that. And then I have some time to think through it.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

And then say no.

SPEAKER_03 9:56

And then say no.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

Which is really what you want to say in the first place.

SPEAKER_03 9:59

Yeah. So now sometimes I just say, I don't think I want to do that.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

And so I and I think part of me helping you point out the blind spot is when you tell me it's like, well, you don't really want to do that. So why are you working on trying to decide if you were going to because you don't even want to?

SPEAKER_03 10:17

Yeah. For example, last week when I got asked to go to an event, and it was making me real nervous. And you could see that it was an immediate nervous reaction about that. And um I was trying to come up with any other way out of that that I could, instead of just saying, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

And you were telling me all the real reasons.

SPEAKER_03 10:42

I left it open. I just left the question out until it came again.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

Tell the had to double text you.

SPEAKER_03 10:49

Yes. Until you finally just said, if you do, if you don't want to go, don't make yourself miserable today and for the next two weeks until it happens. Just say I can't handle that, which is what I did. Yeah. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:07

And and and sometimes that is the blind.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

Yeah, I because I can't I mean honestly, at that time I can't see that's what is happening. Like I just I don't I really don't see that until I realize, oh, that's yep, that's me.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

That's really happening. Yeah.

When One Partner Is Talked Out

SPEAKER_00 11:30

And I think um I I I think a blind spot for me, even more than just our kids, maybe between um us, I think sometimes, you know, you you try and I get irritated that you're like, you know, if I've said a lot of words or done my my brain's a little stressed, and so I have a tendency to talk less when I get home and I don't really notice it.

SPEAKER_03 11:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Because it's just me. And you're trying to talk to me.

SPEAKER_03 11:57

Because I've talked to no one on there.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Yeah, and trying to engage in conversation, and I'm just like, yeah, no. And I don't really realize it until you say something.

SPEAKER_03 12:06

Until I say, Are you are you mad at me? And I and I that's normally a daily ask.

SPEAKER_00 12:15

But it's not because I always shut, don't talk.

SPEAKER_03 12:18

No, it's just that's my personality is to always think someone's mad at me. So in my mind, I think, why wouldn't you want to talk to me? So if you're not, that probably means I mean, I think I've gotten better at that. But I will say I do understand that you have all the words all day long. And I have come to understand that more. I have a much more understanding about that than I used to be. Yes. And I do let you take that minute when you get home, and I try to let you lead that direction in the way that we you are we gonna talk, or is this one of those days that we probably just need to be like eat you eat your supper and I watch you um to kind of gauge how it's gonna be, just because while I haven't spoken to anyone since I left the gym that morning, because um, you know, I'm just here, you've spoken to everyone and given classes and done all of this. So I always I think, and we have always laughed about this to where we do compare it to the country music song Friday Night Blues, to where you got dancing. Yeah, she's ready. I mean, she's getting ready on a Friday, which is always my day to get ready. Like you will always see me on Friday, have my hair fixed and makeup on.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

So that's why we might record these on Fridays.

SPEAKER_03 13:42

That's right, because she's gonna be ready. But because in my mind, I know we're not going anywhere, but there's always the little hope that, like, maybe we will. It's Friday night to where he in the song is worked all week and he just wants to come home and sit in his chair. And I think at this, we we do compare that and laugh a lot about that's how we can talk about how much, how less you want to talk and how much I have to say. And we just have to give it this.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

But she didn't want to go out in a group and talk. No, but no, do not get me in a group.

SPEAKER_03 14:22

I don't want to do that. Don't feel sorry for me and ask me to go out because I'm gonna say, we'll have to see about that.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

We'll have to see about that.

SPEAKER_03 14:29

I'm not gonna go.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

And and all the different things we talk about, I always want to make sure that um probably think one way or the other about them. But as we talk about things, we share about things about our relationship, that's our relationship. It's our experiences, and and that's what works for us. The things we do for each other, we talk to each other about, that works for us. And and the challenge is to find what works for each of you, whether it's the things you do for each other, um, those things, find what works, um, which is important. And really, when we talk about the blind spot, the blind spot really becomes the ownership of appreciating the the blinking light comes on us uh as as we notice the the uh um blinking

Giving Warnings Without Starting Fights

SPEAKER_00 15:16

light. Because we never get mad at the blinking light on the car that says there is some there's another vehicle right beside you. We don't go, I can't believe that light's going off again. But we do say, I can't believe she's telling me that again, or he's telling me that again. Instead we go, yeah, well, thank goodness. I mean, that could have saved me from saying something I would regret to maybe to um maybe it's even to him or her, because hey, when you get really upset, you say things you don't really mean. And that's a blind spot.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:49

And that can be a very harmful blind spot that can cause um the fatality of your marriage.

SPEAKER_03 15:55

Honestly. Um so that little beep, beep, beep is just a nice little warning sign to be like, I need to watch that.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

And and and it's on us to how do we take that? But again, it's on the other two to help. How you deliver that. How's that expressed? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

I mean, if you were to if I were to deliver it to you all the time like this, you never want to talk to me when you get home at night, ever. You never have words to say, or your tone was terrible. You've got to be better about that. That's not gonna go well, even though it might bring those things out to you. It's not you're not gonna receive them well because it was not delivered well. To where if I were to say, I really, I know you had a lot of words that you spoke today, and I know that was a lot. I'm so sorry that you had to speak all those words, but man, it's been quiet here today. I mean, that would be delivered a little more gently.

SPEAKER_00 16:58

And it and it becomes a responsibility of each of us too to know the other person. How do they best hear that message? What are the what are the words they're saying mean? It's cueing in on the words, the tone, the body language. We have to be very um aware. Intentional. Intentional and aware of the other person. And because, I mean, if you're married, you should know the other person really well. You should know their mannerisms, you should know You should pick up on all their cues, all their things. Uh and and and and sometimes we don't pick up on certain ones, and that could be a blind spot. And that's when you have a conversation about that blind spot, and it's a manner, and it's delivered and received in a manner that's like, oh, I'm so glad I recognized that blind spot. And that didn't cause us to weave off the road or the hit. Uh because just like when you have a big crash, there's sometimes time to recover. Sometimes you walk away with a few scrapes. Sometimes you walk away with a broken leg, some gashes, very wounded. That even after those wounds heal, their scars left. That if you had just, if we just heated the the blind, the beep beep, we could have saved all those.

SPEAKER_03 18:20

You wouldn't have to see those scars.

SPEAKER_00 18:23

And it's it's one of those times where you're both in the car and takes both of you. And and it's the same as if um I'm going to get over and you go, hey, there's a car back there. Would you just mind your own business?

SPEAKER_03 18:36

I was ready to hit it. Yeah.

unknown 18:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

And that's really what we're saying.

SPEAKER_03 18:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Um, because again, if we're both riding the car, I may be the driver, but we're still both eyes. We're still both out looking out for the safety of our drive.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

Same thing with our marriage. We're both looking out for the safety of it. Um, and to keep it between the lines, to keep it in the direction we're going, on the path we're going. Um and so it's just a challenge to be appreciative of your spouse bringing up your blind spot the same as we're appreciative when the beep beep goes off on the car.

Yellow Light Versus Red Light Feedback

SPEAKER_00 19:16

Because it really it what's it called on a car? It's called a safety feature. Blind spot beeping in your marriage is a safety feature.

SPEAKER_03 19:25

Right. It's to keep everything to prevent the crash.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

To prevent the crash, to prevent the fatality, um, potential fatality or deeply wounded, deeply scarred marriage. Right. Um, it is a safety um thing.

SPEAKER_03 19:44

It's a safety thing. Safety feature.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

Safety feature, thank you.

SPEAKER_03 19:48

Um the delivery of that is is what matters.

SPEAKER_00 19:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 19:55

The way you're delivering that to your partner, to your spouse.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Because why don't you what why don't they put a red blinking light? Because your break lights are red.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

Right. To say stop.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

Because red we signify with stop. Don't go any further.

SPEAKER_03 20:11

Whereas this is yellow to warn you, hey, easy there, tiger. Slow you roll.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Slow you roll. Yeah, back over. Don't go over there yet.

SPEAKER_03 20:20

Yep, not time. Just hang on.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

And then and then what happens when that car passes?

SPEAKER_03 20:25

Then it's it's free and clear.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

It it yep. Then you can get on over. You can get on over. Um

The Hot Take And Closing

SPEAKER_00 20:32

and as always, uh, we do have a hot take um for our blind spot.

SPEAKER_03 20:40

We do.

SPEAKER_00 20:41

The one and only thing scripted.

SPEAKER_03 20:43

That's correct. You're grateful when your car signals a blind spot, but are you grateful when your spouse signals your blind spot?

SPEAKER_00 20:55

So attitude of gratitude. Uh, we should have we should treat our spouses um pointing out our blind spot, sharing our blind spot, the same as we are so grateful for that yellow blinking light that shows us our blind spot and prevents our uh crash, our wreck, our wounds, our scars. Um, all of those things we're thankful for, and we need to be grateful for our spouse to pointing out, but also as a spouse, um being grateful in the way you deliver it.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

Right.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Um deliver that warning, warning, right.

SPEAKER_03 21:36

Not just the red stop blinking stop lap.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Red blink blink aggressiveness. Aggressiveness. It is a warning. And so we hope that um this conversation would um start a conversation with with you and your relationship about maybe some blind spots, some warning spots, and how we communicate that, how we um signal those. Blind spots with those warning lights. So as always, thank you so much for joining us on this week's Marriage Hot Takes. I'm Aaron.

SPEAKER_03 22:07

And I'm Kim.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

And we'll look see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_03 22:12

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_03 22:21

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

They're built in small, intentional choices made every day.

SPEAKER_03 22:28

If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.