Ep 12: 10x Your Marriage With Words

We start with a hot take that puts real weight on everyday words: what we affirm grows, and what we criticize spreads. We share how small phrases, comparisons, and “jokes” can either build confidence or quietly create resentment, and we offer simple ways to be more intentional. 
• why affirmation multiplies the good we already see 
• how criticism metastasizes from small picks into big stories 
• the hidden damage of comparing your spouse to other couples 
• why cutting negative talk can matter more than adding praise 
• spotting cues for what needs to be done and said 
• using specific thanks and belief to help your spouse bloom 
If this episode helped you please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples.

Transcript

Welcome And What To Expect

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_05 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

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This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

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It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

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We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

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So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. Thank you for joining us today. I'm your host, Erin Degler, along with my wife Kim. Um, each week we just like to um share a little bit about our marriage after 22 years. Uh I don't know if it's always share wisdom, but uh it's share.

SPEAKER_05 0:58

It's share.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Uh maybe it's food for thought, uh, but we always like to leave you with a hot take, something to take into your marriage, into your relationship, uh, something you and your uh spouse, significant other, can discuss and hopefully engage in those conversations that start to make a difference in your relationship.

The Hot Take On Words

SPEAKER_00 1:15

And usually we end with a hot take. Uh today we thought we'd start with a hot take just because it's powerful and we want to build off of that.

SPEAKER_05 1:23

So today's hot take is what you affirm multiplies and what you criticize mastacizes. Metastasis, that's the better word. Metastasis.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

There you go.

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What you affirm multiplies, and what you criticize metastasizes.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

What you affirm multiplies.

SPEAKER_05 1:52

What you criticize spreads, if you want an easier word.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Yeah. And and really this is about so if we could say, well, how to um how to really make a difference in your marriage? How to we might even say 10x your marriage. In other words, um, how can you make it exponentially better?

SPEAKER_05 2:19

That's such a big word.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

It is. Um almost as metastasize.

SPEAKER_05 2:24

Well, I got it wrong the first time. That's okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

Uh words are hard.

SPEAKER_05 2:27

Yeah, they are, and they start with letters.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

They do start

Affirmation That Builds Confidence

SPEAKER_00 2:30

with letters. So there's that. So how how you know and and I mean, it's not we think how can if we think 10x our money, we think that well, that's a lot of work. If we have to 10x our money, but if we have to 10x our marriage, how hard is it to 10x your marriage when you say uh affirmations?

SPEAKER_03 2:54

What what you affirm?

SPEAKER_00 2:55

What you affirm multiply multiply. So so if we affirm, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_05 3:02

It means the words that are said if you're saying them, the spoken words. And is that correct? Yes. Good. Good.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Very good. Thanks. Um, and so I'll say for Kim, she is really good um at affirming all my goofy ideas. Because I have a lot of goofy ideas, a lot of goofy ideas. Some of them work, some of them don't work.

SPEAKER_05 3:31

I like to say affirm your ideas. I never say, I never throw the word goofy in there.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

No, that's me saying that.

SPEAKER_05 3:38

I know I'm just saying they're not goofy. I think that sounds great.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Because I believe in success comes faster if you fail more.

SPEAKER_05 3:50

You do believe that. And we have failed many times. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

So the faster you fail, the faster you can't.

SPEAKER_05 3:56

We just keep falling over and starting again and falling over and starting again. And each time, I'll say, Dave, I think that's the best idea yet. I think this is the one.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:07

You go for it.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

I have come up with ideas for marriage groups. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_05 4:13

Now there have been some that I have said no to, but go ahead.

unknown 4:16

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 4:17

Some ideas.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

I'm trying to think what they were. You know them?

SPEAKER_05 4:20

I do. I told you no and no and no until then you got me in front of people, and then you ask it.

SPEAKER_00 4:25

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:27

So that I would be like this. Yeah, I think that's fine.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

That was tricky. Yeah, you are. It was about America.

SPEAKER_05 4:35

You got your way anyway. That's why I say they're all good. Yeah, do it because we're gonna do it anyway. Doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Yeah. Well, yeah. Okay. But but then we got out to the car and I said, I I really and you told me, well, I really meant it. It's really okay. We can do that. But you really are good at at affirming um the ideas that I have. And affirming um, we were just listening to a uh TikTok the other day about it. And it was talking about uh the things, the affirming phrases you use. And I joked about because we listened to it together. I said, Did you just write all that down? I mean, is that what you've been giving me? Is exactly what's on that TikTok? Because those are the words that you've been giving me.

SPEAKER_05 5:19

Every day.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

Every day. Uh and so sometimes I question her um uh sincerity. Not sincerity, but question her accuracy, maybe is a better word. Authenticity. Authenticity. Well, no, I know you're authentic. It's just, you know. You don't think I came up with it myself? No, I no, I I think you came up with them, but it's like, did I really do good? Or is it really like you need some work?

SPEAKER_05 5:46

Oh, like you look good in that.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 5:48

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 5:49

Because honestly, you know, I still question you now because at 315 pounds you said, ooh, you you look so good. You you look muscly.

SPEAKER_05 5:56

That you have so much muscles. You did to me. I was not you were 315 pounds of it was not muscle.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Muscle man. It was not.

SPEAKER_05 6:06

That's what I saw, which is why that makes you question things now. Yes, yes, because I have a swayed opinion of you.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

Yeah, because it was get out the rolling pin, doughboy.

SPEAKER_05 6:16

It was. Well, I can look back and see it now, but I didn't then see it then. No. But I do say all those words to you because in my heart I mean it.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

And uh for men and women, I think it's sometimes a little different. So um maybe not. Maybe not.

SPEAKER_05 6:41

No, I think that women would like to hear those words as well.

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Yeah, I mean, so yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:45

You could try it sometime and see that.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

I wasn't meaning that. You I was thinking out loud and it didn't see. That's what we, you know, it's just what it is.

How Criticism Quietly Spreads

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Um but but when we criticize, it metastasizes. So what does that mean? It means it spreads. It spreads, it spreads grows, grows. So if if if I'm telling you, I wish you would cook more. Like, come on. Yeah. You would be you would start to begin, well, he expects me to cook. And well, if he thinks I should cook more, maybe he thinks I should do other things more and I should do that more. And well, there's and so it it kind of leads, kind of like we've talked about with anxiety sometimes. It starts as a little bitty snowball, and then you start at the top of a hill, a very steep hill, and it went rolling down. And so by the time it gets to the bottom, it's a huge snowball. And the same thing is true with with those criticisms. They start as, I'm just picking at you. I'm just picking at you on this.

SPEAKER_05 7:43

Well, you know, I'm just giving you a hard time.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

I'm just giving you a hard time. And then it turns into, well, it's not really a hard time anymore. It's really kind of sincerely what I'm meaning. And then that begins to go, well, if I can't please him or her this way, then I probably can't please him anyway. There's nothing I can do.

SPEAKER_05 8:02

That's so why do I try?

SPEAKER_00 8:04

So why do I try? And so those little picks and ha's, I didn't really mean that.

SPEAKER_03 8:11

But you did.

Why Less Negativity Works More

SPEAKER_03 8:12

But you did.

SPEAKER_00 8:13

Um and the thing about negative and positive. So I would say an affirmation is positive. Affirmation? Yeah, affirmation is positive. Um, a criticism is negative. Um, and w when we say I want to be more positive, or I want our our marriage to be more positive. And so we we try to do more positive things. But research has shown it's true. Go look it up. Even though you don't believe me. That research has shown, because Kim thinks when I say that, research has shown I'm just doing it to sound more important, but it really is true. Okay. Um, that saying not saying negative things has a bigger impact than trying to say more positive things.

SPEAKER_03 9:06

So in other words, saying negative things has a bigger impact than saying positive things.

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Yeah, so maybe you're not at the point where in your relationship you're giving a lot of affirmations. So maybe you're giving a lot of criticisms. So instead of go, okay, okay, I start giving all these affirmations after you've criticized for decades. Right. Maybe it is start to criticize less. So it's not all of a sudden you're going, you're giving all the positives because we're just pulling, because that has shown to have more effect than continuing to say the positive. When you it's the same way with negative thinking. If you do that less, it has more or negative talk, it has more power by stopping the negative talk than it does to say, you're strong, you're powerful, you are you know, all those things. You you know, if you stop the negative talk, it's more powerful. So the same is true because when we say that to somebody, that's what they continue to hear is when you say something, if I were to say you can't cook, you then identify as I'm just not a good cook. Right. Um not the I just don't cook. Right. Right. It and it might be, well, you know, my buddy's wife, this is what she does. I mean, she cooks every night. Yeah. And it's maybe not even saying you are not good at it, it's saying, Well, my buddy's wife does this. And so in your mind, what are you hearing?

SPEAKER_05 10:36

Oh, well, I guess maybe you should have married your buddy's wife.

SPEAKER_00 10:40

There you go.

SPEAKER_05 10:41

I mean, is what I hear.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

And and that's what happens, yeah. And and it's not that um saying anything negative necessarily that we think is guys that, well, I didn't say anything negative. I was just telling you what she did. And you and the and you might be saying, and if you say, well, my girlfriends say their husbands my girlfriends, they say their husbands are like super handy. They like know what a hammer's for.

SPEAKER_03 11:14

They can fix things, they can fix things.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

And if you keep telling me that, yeah, I'm gonna think she thinks I'm probably not as manly because I don't know how to fix things. Because I don't um at all.

SPEAKER_06 11:26

I don't cook, he doesn't fix.

SPEAKER_00 11:28

Yeah. I couldn't. And that's the way we roll. Yeah. But if you kept telling me that and kept saying, well, I'm just telling you, he fixed this, he remodeled that, he did that.

SPEAKER_05 11:37

Um she asked him to build this.

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Because quite honestly, your girlfriends, both their husbands are super handy. They're very handy, they're very handy.

SPEAKER_04 11:43

Yeah. I have to go like this. That's awesome. Can I sign up to learn some of that? Because I need to know.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

But it's not like you come home and go, Well, listen to what they built or what they could fix to make me.

SPEAKER_04 11:57

They built a house.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Yeah, they remodeled a whole house. They fixed, you know, they fixed all the fixed the lawnmower. Yeah. I mean, I might have had call call one of them just to come change my lawnmower blaze because I wasn't sure how. So that's how handy I am.

SPEAKER_05 12:11

Um, but it wasn't But I've never I've never spoken about your unhandiness.

SPEAKER_00 12:18

No, no, it unhandiness. Unhandiness. But but you've never said um going and I think sometimes we can do that saying about somebody else, and like, well, I'm not really saying you can't do it. I'm just going on and on about this other person that can. And so we internally take it as you can't. You can't. That's not something you can do.

SPEAKER_05 12:43

You'll never be good enough.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Or you go on about, well, you know, her husband, I mean, took her on a trip. And I mean, for Christmas, he got a new car. And I mean, look at what I mean. They're building a pool out there, and they got a pool house. I mean, and a pool boy. And a pool boy.

SPEAKER_05 13:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

A fan boy, a pool boy.

SPEAKER_05 13:01

They got it all.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

They got it all. And we got dirt.

SPEAKER_05 13:06

I got I got junior mints.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Junior mints for Valentine's Day. Living large. So I I think we have to be careful with our words. Because we can criticize and without criticizing. Yes. And we can when we say we can 10x our marriage, we can um those affirmations

Daily Cues Texts And Closing

SPEAKER_00 13:29

um multiply. So in other words, when we say, you know, thank you. So um you take very good care of me.

SPEAKER_05 13:41

I do. And you take very good care of me.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

And so I might get home, just maybe, and you know, I pack a bag every night for the next day for because I get ready at work. And and so sometimes, a lot of times, my clothes are laid out on the bed, ready to just pack.

SPEAKER_05 14:00

Every day.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Every day to make my life easier and better.

SPEAKER_05 14:04

I want it to be easier.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Be easier. Um, and and so I try to, I'm not always good at it, but I try to say thank you for that. Um, because then again, and it's not manipulation, but then it makes you want to do more of it. And same thing for me. When you tell me um certain things, I'm like, oh, she liked that. I'm gonna do more of that because I realize that makes her happy. And it wasn't like a lot of work for me.

SPEAKER_05 14:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

But but I want to make her happy.

SPEAKER_05 14:36

Right. Like for me during the day, I think of like, how can I make us you're only here a little bit. So if I can pick up on the cues of the things that you have to do when you get home, and I can watch it enough, I decide I can help with that process so that maybe it gives you just a little bit more time and makes your evenings just a little bit easier so that you have more time to relax before you go straight to bed. Because I just want to to help. So, but I have that time during the day to think of those ways that I could help you.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

And I think that's important what you said is I look for those cues.

SPEAKER_05 15:21

Yes. I look for, I feel like, and not to shout myself out, but I feel like I do look for cues to help you. I look for cues to help you with the things that you might need done, and also look for the cues to help you to know the words you might need to hear.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Yes. Uh, because and and when you're looking for those cues, you're looking for what needs to be said. What needs to be done. And really those are affirmations. Like sometimes when I'm struggling with, I'm might be sharing things, and I sometimes think, I don't think it's making a difference. I don't think it's mattering. And and then you share with me how it is mattering. And I get done, we get done a uh soul fit or a walk and talk, and you tell me how much you enjoyed it and you like it. And so it that's a cue of maybe if you knew I struggled during the the talk or the conversation. Um, I go, okay, you know, it helps because you're looking for those cues, and I think we're always looking for cues. We're either looking for cues to criticize or to give those affirmations.

SPEAKER_05 16:27

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

And I think just like it is in ourselves, sometimes on ourselves it's easier to see the negative.

SPEAKER_05 16:33

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

So in a relationship, if we're kind of irritated at him or her, well, it's easier to look at the negative cue and go, wow, they don't do that. Yep, knew they weren't gonna do that. Yep, I guess those dishes just fly into the dishwasher themselves.

SPEAKER_05 16:46

I guess I just thought that that would happen on its own.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 16:49

Or I would do it.

SPEAKER_00 16:50

Your socks are two feet from the laundry basket. Guess you can put them in today, huh? And and those is how it starts to metastasize. It starts to grow. And because at first it's maybe his socks. Then maybe it's he didn't make his side of the bed. Then maybe he left dirt on the floor. Then maybe there's hair in the sink. There's all these things that now you start noticing, all those little negative things that just make you want to grind your teeth and go, ugh. And same thing is true for her. I mean, yeah. All those little things she may or may not do. You start um noticing more because you're already irritated. So let me pick apart and look for those more negative cues. Um and we've talked about if we put that energy towards that, that's what we'll get. So if we we'll we'll we'll 10x our marriage. Maybe we should say we'll 10x it one way or the other. We can 10x it with criticism or we can 10x it with affirmations.

SPEAKER_05 17:55

Right.

SPEAKER_00 17:55

So you want it to be 10 times worse or 10 times better.

SPEAKER_05 17:58

It's whatever you want to do, what you want to put the effort in for.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

But it's about being intentional with your words.

SPEAKER_05 18:06

Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

And if you're watching, Tang need to get right in the middle and show everybody.

SPEAKER_06 18:14

He needed to make sure everybody knows he's right here.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

He's gonna lay right in front of us. Check it out.

SPEAKER_05 18:19

Um, I I agree. And I but I do I just think that um words are powerful. And if you speak those words positively to your partner, your spouse, um I feel like if I speak those words positively to you, that you will feel that about yourself. So if I continue to lift you up each day with different words in the mornings or during the day or whatever, I can somehow influence you to be those words. Not to manipulate you to be that to try to change you, but that's what I see in you that I know that you aren't seeing in yourself that I want you to to feel and to feel proud of.

SPEAKER_00 19:14

So it's more about reinforcing what you know I'm capable of versus reinforcing what you want me to be.

SPEAKER_05 19:21

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

And I think that's important.

SPEAKER_05 19:24

Yes. It's not about what I want you to be, it's what I how I I know that's what you're striving to be or striving to do, you know, a textual most mornings that have a text for you. So when you wake up, that's what you see. And it's just things that I want you to see that I want you to have that moment in the morning of positivity, um, something that I think that you might need that day, or if it's the beginning of the week, or or whatever, just because I know how it is to get up and get going, and I want you to already start believing in yourself for that day. Uh, you have long days and lots of people and lots of words to share, and you share those words all day long. So I feel like I can share just a few words to you in the morning to help maybe um help your day and your words come easier for you because I've already spoken those words to you in my belief in you.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

And I think that's very powerful that you do speak belief into me. And so I do go into the day believing more in myself. Um, because and and if and if I woke up to a text that was the opposite.

SPEAKER_05 20:47

You forgot to do this, and last night you snored all night long, you kept me up all night long. I just wanted to let you know this morning so you can carry that all day with you. Anyhow, that would be bad.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

Yeah, that and but we have that power.

SPEAKER_05 21:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

And we do that to our significant other.

SPEAKER_05 21:03

Or or if I said or or if you, you know, text me midday and said, What what are you gonna cook for supper tonight?

SPEAKER_00 21:13

Nothing. I mean So so you've just been kind of hanging around today? I mean what have you been doing? Have you done anything or right? Yeah. And and then that speaks.

SPEAKER_05 21:27

Right. And that grows.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

And that grows.

SPEAKER_05 21:30

Because it grows inside of you before ever comes outside to grow. It will grow inside of me long before you ever see it in anyone, which is just as cancer metastasizes, it's inside and it's growing bigger and bigger, and you don't see that. And those words that you're speaking to each other are growing inside of you before you, and that could either be the positive words or the negative words. The positive words. are still growing inside of you until it helps you to bloom into who you are becoming and who you're meant to be. But those negative words that are metastasizing inside of you is also going to bring you to who you're going to be.

SPEAKER_04 22:22

How about that? That's good. Thanks.

SPEAKER_05 22:24

That's good. Thanks. So if if you're the one speaking those words to your spouse that's what you're putting out for them to grow into.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Either way.

SPEAKER_05 22:39

Either way you can either watch them bloom into the person that they are meant to become or you can see them just completely lose themselves.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

And with that wonderful dialogue.

SPEAKER_06 22:59

Sometimes it just comes out.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

What is today's hot take?

SPEAKER_06 23:03

Today's hot take is I could unlock my phone. Hold on.

SPEAKER_00 23:08

Because you're busy giving that amazing words.

SPEAKER_05 23:13

Today's hot take what you affirm multiplies and what you criticize metastasizes.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

And and just like she said it will grow in you before it comes out of you. Something's coming out and something's growing. That's right. So what do you want to grow and how do you want it to come out? Very good. Because what you affirm multiplies what you criticize metastasizes. Thank you so much for joining us on this week's Marriage Hot Takes. I'm Aaron. And I'm Kim and we'll see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_05 23:51

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

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We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

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Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment.

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They're built in small intentional choices made every day.

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If this episode helped you please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time keep choosing each other and we'll see you for the next hot take