Ep 18: When A Season Becomes A Lifestyle

Temporary sacrifice can be part of a healthy marriage. Permanent distance can sneak in so quietly that you don’t notice it until you feel like strangers living under the same roof.

We’re Aaron and Kim Degler, and we’re talking about marriage seasons: the times when work ramps up, kids need everything, someone gets hurt, or life just demands more than usual. We share our own story of long hours building a business, the chaos of raising four kids, and how easy it is to tell yourself “this is just what we have to do” even after the hardest part is over. That’s where resentment grows: one spouse adapts by carrying the load, the other gets comfortable in the pattern, and the season becomes a lifestyle.

We also get practical about what helps. We dig into self-awareness, teamwork, and calm communication that happens before things blow up. We talk about setting expectations going into a busy stretch, checking in during it, and making a real plan for what life should look like after it ends. And yes, we say it clearly: counseling isn’t a sign you failed, it can be a tool to strengthen an already good marriage.

Our hot take says it straight: “Just because life asks for temporary sacrifice doesn’t mean marriage should accept permanent distance.” If you’re feeling stretched thin or stuck in a pattern you didn’t choose, hit play, then share this with your spouse and talk about what season you’re in. Subscribe, share, and leave a review so we can reach more couples.

Transcript

Welcome And What We Do

0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot. We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here. This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy. It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day. We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between. So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone. Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. Thank you for taking a little time to join us today. We are your host, Aaron and Kim Degler. Each week we want to come to you and share a little bit about our experiences over the last 22 years of being married and some lessons we've learned, some things we found successful, some things we found unsuccessful. And as always, we want to leave you each week with a hot take. So we always like to end the the uh episode with a hot take. Um basically, really, the only thing that we have written down is tentatively our title uh and our hot take. And then we just fill in the blanks. We have a brief um show meeting, maybe during lunch. Well, during lunch before we we record these, um kind of what we're gonna talk about. And um, sometimes it goes extremely well. Sometimes we bobble it and uh we make it through. Sometimes we have some tears and laughs, but it's always a good time. And you never know what is um gonna be said over on that microphone, uh, or what you might see from our dogs Tango and Stella.

Why Seasons Always Have Endings

1:46

So uh as we get started today, um, if you've been listening to Marriage Hot Takes for a while, you know I am not a manly man. In other words, I don't fix things, I don't hunt things. Um it's you know all foreign to me. Uh but if we talk about different seasons, I do I am aware I don't do it, but I am aware there's like a turkey season, a deer season, um, and then there's a deer season when you can shoot them with a gun or you can pull and bow and arrow back and shoot them. Um there's the quail season, duck season, all sorts of different seasons if you're a hunter. Uh, but we're gonna talk we are gonna talk about seasons today. And of course, not hunting season. You think what does hunting seasons have to do with I really was shocked you went with those seasons instead of spring, fall, winter and summer. I guess there's that too. Yeah, that just shocked me that you pulled those seasons out, or like football season, baseball season. Go ahead. Well, carry on. I'm trying to connect with the fellas. Okay, okay. Yeah, I'm trying to connect with the fellas. Um trying to be a little more manly or trying to get your man cards? Yes, yes. Um and just and and we'll go. Um if you like this the the seasons, the spring, the fall, the um whatever it is. Any kind of season. Any kind of season. It all has a time. In other words, football season ends after the Super Bowl. You're correct. Fall has a date where it says what, the first day of fall or the first day of winter, um, which just signifies the ending of a season. But here in Texas, uh the first day of fall doesn't mean it's the end of summer yet. We just roll into the third part of summer. Yeah. Summer. Yeah. So we don't really, yeah, it's just a whole thing in Texas. Um, but all those seasons, they still, even on the calendar, have an end. Um, it it's not like we are always living in summer. It's not like we always have um football season. It's not like we're always having deer season. So they all have an ending. Um, and because then it's time for something different. Um and during those seasons, I mean, you you do certain things in the fall, in the winter, in the spring, in the summer. Same thing with hunting. You use maybe a different gun, maybe a different, you go different places, whatever it is. Um,

Real Marriage Seasons We Lived

4:10

and just like all of those seasons, we have seasons in our life. Um, seasons, I mean, a a season, there was a time for us um that you worked a lot. A lot. And I worked a little. A little, very little, very little. I was in between. Yes, you were. I would wouldn't even say it was a career path. It was more like a job. Yeah, you know, I was in between jobs. Yes. Um, you were unemployed. I was unemployed. That's the better word for it. I was unemployed. Yeah. Um, kicking back taking it easy. But yeah, anyhow, you were you were picking up the uh the slack. You were picking up the work, and um, and that was really um, and when we think about that season, we're gonna talk a little bit about how seasons are meant to be seasons. But sometimes I think they turn into lifestyles. Um you know, for us, there was a season when I wasn't working much and you were working a lot. And then there was a time when you broke both my elbows and my wrist. On both at the same time. All at all at once. Um, and so during that season, and that was like a summer, that was over a whole summer. That was like three months. Three months of the summer that that you couldn't work, you couldn't and uh I couldn't do anything. Yeah, bless your heart, you're home with the kids when they're little. And so then that during that season, I had to work more and do and take up um I hate to say the slack. Um it's not really the right term, but to to do more to make up the difference that we needed at that time. Yes. Um and I think sometimes in our in marriages, our seasons that we um do things differently can sometimes become our lifestyle. In other words, um, like there were times when um our kids were little and they had we had four, and we had four of them in baseball, baseball or softball. Yes. And so we were running them all over the place. And so like it would, you know, if they needed cleats, a bat, a glove, those came before our needs. Right. Because they had to show they couldn't catch with their hands, they needed a bat, you know. Um, so but that was just a season. There, I mean, there was a time then eventually the oldest one got out of summer league, and then the next one got out of summer league, and then the girls got out of summer league, and so things started to change. Um, and and of course they're gonna get older, we're not gonna always put them first when it comes to sports, but that season can easily become a lifestyle in that they move on to the next thing, we're still putting them first. They're still, I mean, they're all grown adults now, and that season could have uh easily grown into we're doing everything for them now. Mm-hmm. Right. And and there may be some parents that are doing that now. Yes, they're staying in the season for their of doing all the things for their kids. And and and those become a lifestyle. Right. Or unfortunately when you were hurt during that was 10, 12 more than that because it was before we opened the gym. That's why we opened Synergy. Yes, so that was about 15 years ago. Yes. Yes, it was about 15 years ago. And so unfortunately, so why do we share seasons become a lifestyle? Because unfortunately, that season of our life became a lifestyle where you were back to working, but I kept working and kept working long hours. Yes, and then that season lasted forever that you worked the long. Well, I won't say that particular season because when we opened Synergy, you were there from early, early morning till nine o'clock every night. And that was when I was it was just the kids and I everywhere. It was just the kids and I. And um, there was a hard season, but you there wasn't any way around that. We were trying to build a business. Just like when I worked and was in and had my own business, and I felt like I did more as far as um, you know, I was the one working and I was building my own business. And then once I that ended, and then you started synergy, you were there all the time. And you had to do that for our business, but then that can just continued forever. Yeah, because I mean because I just kept in that mode. You did, you have. And and it really hasn't been how can I change that? Right. Yeah, how do I see that looking different? Because that season is is I mean, we may not like it because we didn't really like those hours, but it's what we knew. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so I and um and and I was listening to, I think it was, I don't remember, um, a preacher the other day, and I was talking about how it it is biblical to provide for your family. Yeah, it was Josh Howerton. Yes. But then we use that as an excuse. Yes. Um, because well, I'm providing for my family, but yes, but then there becomes a certain point when that's okay for a season. Right. But then when it's a lifestyle, in other words, that's what I continue doing, it it and I'd like and I like to say, well, I'm providing for my family. But I wasn't giving them what else they needed, which was me. Right. Right. Where we we just wanted you to be at home. And you know, even now that the kids are gone, that's it'd be just like yesterday. You know, when are you gonna come home? You know, it's a it's a whole thing. But it's a lot less now. Yeah. I mean, you're not working until nine o'clock. Right. My schedule's a lot different. Yes. It's just you still work a lot of hours. Yes, but it is managed differently. Yes. So the hour, but we have created so that that again, before at Synergy, I had to be there. There's really and I and I didn't um make it so that I

Providing Becomes An Excuse

10:45

didn't have to be there. Right. But now our schedule is yes, I'm at work, but I get a lot of things done at work. But if we need to be gone or do something, I can. Where I didn't have that freedom before. Right. You didn't have that freedom, but sometimes I think that where you say you didn't have that freedom and you there wasn't any way around it, I think that a lot of times we get stuck in that as an excuse of, well, there's really no way around it. There will, there is, you're just choosing not to. Yeah. Because, you know, maybe like that sounds like a lot of work at home. There's a lot of chaos going on, and I'll camp out here. And I think that a lot of times, husbands and wives equally will use that as their excuse of and it's this is this is just what we have to do. It's easy when it was a season because you're used to that, and then you go roll out into it like, wait a minute. And then all the I don't have to do bathtime, I don't have to do bedtime. I come home and everybody's gonna go back to the city. And then you go the whole week and you don't see them because you leave before they get up and you get home after they go to bed, and you do that all the way through till Friday, and you see them again Saturday and Sunday. And I think that that happens a lot in a lot of marriages, is that then season becomes a lifestyle just because that's the way we roll for so long, and that became easy for one of the spouses, and then they just can that continues, and then the other spouse has probably built a wall up to be like whatever, this is what we're doing, it's just easier, it's easier. I don't have to I can just deal with four kids and not add another. What we had four kids, so right, yeah. And then then there's even seasons when you don't have kids. Yeah. You know, I mean there's there's seasons of um maybe for us, there's one when I was going to school. Yeah. Um, and you had to And I had to pick up the I had to do it again. And sometimes it is, and maybe someone maybe one person is not um on the top of their game. Maybe they're struggling with certain things, and they need um maybe you're the other person's doing 80% and they're barely hanging on to do 20. And it and it's a season. And and then as the one person doing 20% is gradually overcome some of those things that they may be dealing with, and it's 30 and 40. Sometimes if we're not careful, again, that season can turn lifestyle where the other person just keeps doing all the things. And then what happens there is then there's becomes some resentment and some hostility towards the other person. Right. Sometimes too, I think it becomes uh a crutch. You know, um it's a say you're given 90 and the other person's given 10 for whatever reasons, but then the person that's only given 10, you know, can then use that as a crutch from here on out. Well, I don't know, really, uh I don't know. I'm I don't know that I can do that. And the one given the 90 is continuing to come up to bat and to come up to bat and to come up to bat and and allows that just to keep the protection of their spouse. When it was really just meant for for a season. A season. Until let me uh help you get through this. Yeah. And then that protection becomes like, oh, this is kind of nice. Yeah. Kind of like that. Yeah. I kind of like this quiet laugh. Mm-hmm. I think you're looking at me. I think we're talking about me. What? Because you're looking at me like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. I think you're right. We are not talking about you. Um but it it's just um we just want to encourage to, because we all go through seasons, and I mean, if you've been married for any length of time, um if it's been for a few years, um, you find that there are highs and lows. Um and instead of highs and lows, it's we like to call them just seasons. And so how

When 90 10 Turns Toxic

15:20

would you suggest you get out of that season? I mean, if we're here to help our to give advice on the little that we know, then how would you suggest you make sure that that is just a season? So we have to, and and that's um, we have to be very self-aware. Um, and and self-awareness is not something that um we're all necessarily good at. Um it it takes practice to be self-aware. But um we have to and and part of that too, I think, is loving the other person and wanting what's best for the other person. So when we're in that season, and maybe it is they have some protection, um, they're doing 90%. And as you start to um feel better, do better, um, things are going better, then it's saying, Hey, wait a minute, I'm doing better. Hey, honey, let me let me pick up what some of the things I was doing. Just one small thing, two small things. Um, but it has to be aware, we have to be self-aware to say, I am improving. Or um, maybe you come together as a team. Um, we've talked, you and I have talked about a lot about a team being together. It's saying, hey, this is starting to dwindle down, like our all of our stuff with our kids are starting to dwindle down. What do we want to look like? What's what how are we gonna how are we gonna move into the next um thing? Uh but but so it has to go with a lot of communication. And that can get challenging if one is trying to communicate and the other one is not. Right. In other words, they're because the one may be given 90% and say, okay. Uh-huh. Because, I mean, I just think it goes back to the example of you working the long hours. If I had to come to you and said, Okay, here's the deal. I'm at home every night with the kids. You're at work every night. Is what what how are we going to change that? That would not have gone over well. So, what could we have done? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. Because we're in that season. And the kid and you're trying to communicate that, but I don't know how to that would be communicated well enough to for the spouse to say, okay, and what do you want me to do? So we're in the season. So if we're in the season, that's one thing. It's the when it becomes the lifestyle. It's when it becomes the lifestyle. When, you know, uh for us, the business is built. What are some ways? And and and part of that, I mean, we've had talks about how do we make, you know, when we we left from Synergy Fitness, how do we make M2B fitness a little bit more better for time? Right. And so we've worked on creating that together because I've realized the need for that. You've communicated that. How do we do that? Um, so as we looked at Synergy Fitness, that was a season that turned into a lifestyle because we didn't know. Right. We weren't aware, not at all. But as we've grown in the last few years, we're able to communicate and then and it it takes some growth on your own. It's not always the other person to be able to have that communication um and and and to realize because that is very true. That is one person's thinks, oh, we're still in the season. Right. It's go time. And the other person's like, nah, I don't really think so. And maybe it's just communicating in the way each other communicates. I mean, that's really, I mean, yes, at that time when you would have came to me if we were in the season, be like, no. Yeah, but but probably I understand your concern, but nothing's gonna change. Yes. Um but uh but we did change some things to reduce my time. We went from being, you know, open certain hours to 24-hour key. I mean, different things that we go, okay, this will help relieve some of the burden, time burden. Yeah. Um but it it has to be calm communication. Right. And and really as and it and this takes practice. As you enter the season, maybe there's also communication before you enter the season. So what does this

Self Awareness And Team Talks

19:45

look like during? What is it gonna look like after? What's our expectations of each other? What what does what when what is the moving out of the season look like maybe? So it's having those conversations before it's in the heat of the moment, like you've been doing this for nine years. Right. I thought this was gonna be a a one-year thing. Right, right. And that may be the case. The season may not be a couple months, right? It may be a you know, when I was going to school, that season for us was a two-year season. That yeah, that ended with uh student teaching. Yeah. That was a strenuous season because then you were for 14 weeks. For 14 weeks, weeks teaching school all morning, all day for a school day, and then working. I'd come in and work that morning before I went to school. You would train clients before, then go and teach, and then get out, and then come back and train, close the gym up and be home. And that was a 14-week season. Yes, and and and you, I mean, you were you and you were at the gym while I was student teaching. Uh-huh. And and we did kind of talk about that. What's it gonna look like after? Right. You know, we kind of knew um what's this gonna look like. And uh we did we did not do it intentionally. No, it just kind of happened to you. Yeah, we would not have known to do that. No, no. So our hope is that that by us sharing, go ahead. Well, because then now, I mean, like I'm in a season, I and I tell this to a lot of people and a lot of moms and anybody that'll listen when they you say, How are you doing? They're like, Oh my gosh, so busy and blah, blah, blah. And I'm always like this, oh yeah, I got plenty of time. Yep, it's quiet life here. Nope. I don't I don't will I don't live a real, you know, hectic life and and I don't. I'm just quietly here. So that season does change. So all of those years of, you know, working the long hours and then working the long hours when you were at school and all it it did all it was a season, it did move on. And and when it re in regards to uh job and all that, we have been intentional about changing um the time requirements of what's needed for that that I work, um the freedom that we can have if we're going on vacation. We we've been intentional about those. Um and and and same thing as as we've been intentional about our kids. As they get older and they get married, you get one off the phone bill, one off the insurance bill, then there's another one and then there's another one. We're intentional about that. As we move into those um because a lifestyle would be well they're 40 and we're still paying for everything. Again, because sometimes it's easier because we don't want to see our kiddos now have we helped them out with money from time to time? Yes. But that's a season. We don't because if you are continually helping them out they don't learn. And that becomes a lifestyle. Oh I got a little trouble let me go ask mom and dad. So it's easily to become a lifestyle. But communication as we say all the time it has to be key in um

Plan Before During After Seasons

23:10

going into the season during the season and what does postseason I mean just like if I mean I was just thinking sports. I didn't you know know anything about sports. But what do you have? You have a training camp you know you know how to get ready for it. Training camp training camp and then the game it's it's game time. Yeah. We're all you know we all know what we're supposed to do, how it's supposed to go and then what happens in after the season okay we're gonna recover from some injuries we're gonna get we're gonna get new players get new players new coach don't get a new I mean don't get new spouse after the season we're not saying that um but but maybe it is a tough season and maybe maybe that season was really tough. It was a hard season just like those players might need some rehab might need some surgeries maybe there's some counseling that's needed for the couples. Maybe if maybe if you're in a season you're having trouble getting out of it because it has been a lifestyle maybe it is because maybe there is some counseling that's needed. And I think sometimes we think of counseling as a bad thing. Yeah when it's not when it's not it's I mean it's there to help improve your marriage. It shouldn't just be if your marriage is in trouble you go to counseling. It actually is I mean even when your marriage is thriving honestly counseling is never going to hurt there's always things I mean you can improve on you can improve on um we just had that conversation this week about um there's always something you can do better. No matter how great your relationship is your marriage is there's always something you could do a little bit better. Yep so this week's hot take that I caught you off guard. You did let me see so as she finds that we we hope that you do understand that a good marriage um and good by your definitions not good by what we might define but a marriage what social media defines. Right a marriage that that you enjoy takes work um takes a lot of hard work um just like um being physically fit takes a lot of work having a physically fit marriage takes a lot of work takes a lot of work to go out there and hunt a deer too I heard it it does I've heard that before probably gut it too but who knows

The Hot Take And Challenge

25:20

today's Today's hot take just because life asks let me start again. Okay today's hot take just because life asks for temporary sacrifice doesn't mean marriage should accept permanent distance would you like me to read that again yes just because life asks for temporary sacrifice doesn't mean marriage should accept permanent distance so temporary sacrifice does not equal permanent distance because it will happen right temporary sacrifice can cause permanent distance um that that and it's sneaky sneaky sneaky sneaky um just like the snake in the Garden of Eden was sneaky sneaky sneaky trying to take something away from you and before you realize it I didn't realize that was going to be our lifestyle that was going to be our permanent distance I didn't realize very good um thank you as always for joining us today um we hope that um you take um our hot take take it into your relationship take it into your marriage um have a conversation about it what does it uh mean to you what does it look like how does that look like in your life what season are you in um and is when's it gonna um be time for a different season how's that gonna look um and we just challenge you to really have that conversation over our hot takes each week to um improve your marriage because marriages are good but they can always be better. Thank you so much for joining us today I'm your host Aaron. And I'm Kim. And we'll see you next time right here on Marriage Hot Takes. Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes. We hope today's conversation encouraged you challenged you and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage. Remember strong marriages aren't built in one big moment. They're built in small intentional choices made every day. If this episode helped you please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time keep choosing each other and we'll see you for the next hot take