Ep: 20 Keeping Attraction Alive In Marriage

We get real about why attraction changes after years of marriage and how the “wow” of dating can fade into routine. We share how we rebuild attraction by staying intentional, reconnecting emotionally, and choosing fun again so we stop feeling like roommates. 
• why the traits we loved early on can become daily annoyances 
• physical attraction as shared responsibility without shame or pressure 
• how emotional and mental connection affects desire and intimacy 
• warning signs that “not attracted” is really disconnection 
• why fun, laughter, and dating again can rekindle attraction 
• simple, low-cost date ideas that make it easy to start 
• our hot take: attraction isn’t found, it’s maintained 
If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. 

Transcript

Welcome And Why We Do This

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

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This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

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It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

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So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Let's get into today's hot take. Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. Thank you for taking time to join us today. We are your host, Aaron and Kim Degler. We just uh like to come to you each week and share a little bit about our experience over the last 22 years of marriage, some um some things we've learned, some things not to do, some things to do, um, and kind of everything in between. We kind of uh each week we like to end with a hot take, um, just something you can take into your marriage or relationship that will um begin a conversation that we hope will challenge you, will not only challenge you, but change you. Um so we like to end with that. Uh basically the only thing that we have scripted is our uh hot take. Everything else we've kind of discussed the topic and and some thoughts about it. Um, but everything else we just kind of um share kind of what we talked about, but nothing really out uh outlined or scripted. So um we'll get started with today's episode.

What Attraction Means Over Time

SPEAKER_02 1:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

How are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 1:38

You're attractive to me. That was my I know it was your Joey move.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

I know it well.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Yeah. Joey is is is if you don't know, friends. Uh-huh. Um, friends reference.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

Yes, and you always give it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Always give the friends reference for the how you doing.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

You always give the how you doing.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Yeah. How you doing.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

That's your come on move. Lucky, I know. Don't be jealous.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

If you're watching, you might saw my face get red just now. Um, but we are gonna talk about attraction.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

Um, and uh you know, over the years, when you're dating, what initially gets you to ask you're attracted to you see someone and think they're attractive. I would like to know them better because they're hot or oh my gosh. Back in our day of junior high and high school, it was he's so fine. So that just meant that you found him attractive.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

And and and typically, um, I would say probably for the majority of everybody that is married.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

At one point you found him attractive, and hopefully you still do.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

But as that's the goal. But but things happen, right?

SPEAKER_02 3:09

Yeah, you age. I mean, you're not going to look the same as you did 20, 30, 40 years ago. I mean, you're gonna have had a laugh together, and so that will then show

When The Wow Factor Fades

SPEAKER_02 3:25

in each of you on on the laugh that you've had.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

And uh initially, I think sometimes the things that make us attractive when we're just starting dating or just about wanting to go out is the newness.

SPEAKER_02 3:40

Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

That the things that we found attractive in the beginning might just be everyday things now. Like what what do you mean? Well, like like um like maybe you started dating her or him because he was fine or because she was beautiful. But and you're like, wow. But I think over time and what we're gonna talk about today is that wow factor diminishes. It it it becomes less. Um and maybe it was wow because he or she was a go-getter or like um didn't procrastinate or was always on time. And and though that was not physical, not physical attraction, but both, because we're gonna talk about physical attraction, um, emotional attraction, mental attraction. Um, so some of those things that yes, you were you were drawn in by the attraction. But maybe the beauty is like, well, I see her every day.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

Yeah, I forget she's beautiful, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

Yeah, um, or the thing that was like, he is always so on time. Like, oh my gosh, do we always have to be?

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Always so on time.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 5:05

It changes.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Yes. Uh it does.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

And so how do we, you know, over the years and the same could be she always takes such good care of herself, meaning she gets ready and you know, and it could turn into she takes so long to get ready.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

It just and it that I mean that's what happens.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

The way you look at it.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Mm-hmm. And the things that you are attracted to in the beginning can become annoyances the longer you're married.

SPEAKER_02 5:37

Right.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Because because we just because that's the life now. That's you know, now it now, like you said, she she takes care of herself, she gets ready, she gets fixed up. This process is taking so long and we need to be on time. Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Again.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Again. Um, where maybe she was uh getting ready earlier because she wanted to make sure you're on time. Now it's like you can wait on me and those things. So we want to talk a little bit about today how do we keep attractive as the years go by. Not only um how do we stay attractive, but also be attracted. Um and so how do we do that?

Keeping Physical Attraction Without Pressure

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Um and I think there's a lot of different ways. Um maybe we start with physical because um that we'll start with what uh really attracted us to the other person initially.

SPEAKER_02 6:40

Right, which was physical attraction, which was a physical attraction.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Um so how is it that we maintain that over the years? Well, uh responsibility for both husband and wife, man and woman.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Right. Well, and I think that that uh varies. In my opinion, I would think that you're gonna work out and you're gonna eat right and you're gonna do all the things to so that you can kind of stay in check. But to a lot of people, they don't, that's not part of their lifestyle. So being a attractive to your other person isn't it's not dependent upon that. It's just what is attractiveness to them? What attracted so I think that you take those things that were initially, you know what you were attracted to or whatever, and and you try to keep those up.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

And and I think is sometimes what happens is I got her, I got him.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

And I let it go.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:45

I think that does happen.

SPEAKER_00 7:47

Um because partly maybe it was younger. And life I snagged him. And life does change.

SPEAKER_02 7:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

Um, and there are some hard things in life that you go, I just don't know if I have the energy.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

Yeah, and there are hard seasons of life that you just don't have the energy for that. And that's okay. And and you don't have to be a certain way. I mean, attractiveness is is I mean, when you're married, I feel like there's always gonna be, you're always going to be attracted to them. We have talked uh many times about do you think that you're always at will you always be attracted to the other person? And like, what if you don't necessarily look over at your spouse and think he's attractive or she's attractive? And and then how does that look?

When Desire Drops Look Deeper

SPEAKER_02 8:40

And I think that's a a real hard thing to think about, but um I always think at the same time, there's still always those emotional um characteristics that then draw them to them.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

And I and I with you saying that, I think when and I think we talked about when it becomes to physical attraction, and you go, well, I'm just not attracted to them anymore, talking about their physical.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

There's often reasons beyond the physical that are emotional, that are mental, um, things that those attractions have fallen off.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

And so it it it makes the physical attraction.

SPEAKER_02 9:24

Yeah. If you were mean to me all the time, I wouldn't think you were attractive in any way. You know, if your personality was lacking and you then all of a sudden were not the same person I fell in love with, and you were mean and abusive or, you know, said ugly things, all of those things, well, obviously I'm not gonna think you're attractive.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

Because I think those things it could be the other way around. If I was mean to you, or if I said terrible things to you all the time, then one, you're not gonna think I think she's attractive. And two, then your self-esteem becomes super low because I've said all of these terrible, terrible things to you to make you feel in in that way.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

And and so it's really it's a whole lot of issues that go into the physical attraction. It's as we've talked about um lift speaking life into the other person, um, doing those things for the other person, um, making them feel confident, have self-esteem. Um, and when they carry themselves different, um, you know, that makes them feel different. And so you're pouring into um their emotional side. Um, you're building up, you know, being a launch pad, as we talked about before, um, and their hopes and dreams and and things like that. So, so that physical attraction, so I dare to say, if you're having a physical attraction problem with your spouse currently, there's more to it than them just him or her looking attractive or unattractive to you.

SPEAKER_02 11:05

Right.

Fun Together Brings Attraction Back

SPEAKER_02 11:06

I agree. And I also I have recently heard that um if you find yourself not thinking that your spouse is attractive, or if you find your both of you feel feel that way, one thing that you can do more of is go have fun together. Because like, and put yourself in those situations of having fun because that's what you did in the beginning when you did find her attractive or him attractive, and you started going out and you went on dates and you went and did all these fun things. Well, you're putting each other together is having fun. I saw this like study, it's not really a study, but they talked about like for different shows like The Bachelor, or maybe like some of those new ones like Love Island. I'm not really sure, but I've just heard that word Love Island. I think it's a show. But I know like the Bachelor. Trying to connect people together. They put like they put them on specific dates one-on-one of going and having fun because that you're attracted to them while you're doing those things. And that's why they do those kind of like activity type dates, because you look at the other person differently.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

And and so the question is if if you are attractive to your spouse currently, when was the last time are have you not are you not dating as much with each other? Are you not having fun together? You're not spending time together.

SPEAKER_02 12:35

Go have fun together.

SPEAKER_00 12:36

Because I think you're exactly right. It's it's when you have a shared common thing, and and a lot of times it it on those shows, I think you mentioned that it shows you know, then they start dating or they want to get married, whatever show it is, they have a um back in the day love connection because of what they're doing. Right. Right bringing them closer together.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

Yes, yes. And it's, I mean, if you're just uh, you know, working every day and coming home and paying bills and taking care of children, and tomorrow we're gonna work and come home and pay bills and take care of kids and white butts and all of those things, you never there's never a moment that you really look over and go, man, he is so hot while he's paying those bills or eating his dinner or snoring in the bed next to you. That is, you know, you got to take a break. You need to go have fun. You need to go on a date because those are those moments, yes, while he's doing the dishes, he looks really good. But at the same time, if those are the everyday sing, every single day chores, and they're I mean, paying bills is not fun, and working is not necessarily always fun, then you need to get out and and do those fun things and be able to see that person differently again.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Because it is. I mean, you dated, you went and watched movies, you played putt putt, putt-putt, you know.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

You did some rock climbing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:11

We did do that.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

We did.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Yeah. But but you do, you have, you do things together. And then, and then what happens is because you like you said, the with the stuff you're doing every day that's kind of draining you, maybe you're not doing together because you're taking care of kids, you're you're uh paying bills, you're going taking kids to school, you're doing all these things, but they're separately. You're still in the same house, but you're separately. And when you can go out on a date, you can do fun things, you can do things you both enjoy doing.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

And laugh.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

And laugh. And you begin to find why you started dating. Why what he was funny, she was funny, right, witty, smart, had ideas.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Yeah, those things that you might not see in every day.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Not just mom or dad or yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

Yes, or son or daughter, or roommate. I mean, you know, because that's what happens a lot of times, is are we are we roommates now?

SPEAKER_00 15:07

And so, I mean, I I think we'd really challenge you if if you are in that place where you're not finding your spouse attractive, then go out on some dates and say, well, we're we're just never gonna have that attraction again. Because too, when you um well um when you start connecting again, it starts rekindling those emotions and those this is why we um started dating. This is why we found each other even more attractive because it's just like all the new things you find out about the person, you start learning things, you start um learning things about them, what they like, what they don't like, and that's attractive. And it makes you interested again. Right, right. Like I can't wait to go out on on a date with them or go be with them because I want to know all about them. Yeah. And what was the last time maybe you talked about what was maybe bothering you?

SPEAKER_02 16:00

Or some dreams, or or you know, just sit and laugh and talk about conspiracy theories. I mean, anything. But I or people watching Yeah, any go anywhere that you can people watch. Uh but I do think that you could do that challenge of, you know, you know, try to go on a date at least a couple of times a month for several months in a row, and you know, maybe a a nice date, maybe an activity date, you know, and switch it up and see how that see how those feelings change when you look over at the other person.

Simple Date Ideas That Actually Work

SPEAKER_00 16:36

Um for us, um with with our separate club marriage group, once every quarter, um, we each one couple chooses the uh date.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Destination, destination, whatever we're gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yes, and it's it's usually some sort of activity. Like we're gonna go all eat together or not, but we're gonna go do something. Well, we're always gonna eat. We're always gonna eat. There's always gonna be eats and drinks. Yes. Um, but we go and and we do something good because um sometimes we get you and I get real bad about not going out and doing those things.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Yeah, we're terrible about that.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

We go out to eat and say, well, we had a date, but it's go out and do something. Um and and so, and we kind of started this, I think, to kind of make all of us make sure we're doing that at least every couple months, every few months. Um, and and what happens is we we're all laughing. Um, you know, we're having a good time. Um, you and I talk about, well, talk about beforehand. We're excited about going, about what we're gonna do when we get done with the day. Well, that's so fun. We talk about how much fun we had, what uh we liked.

SPEAKER_02 17:40

Yeah, and you know, for that specifically, uh, we have three different couples planning that. So it it's uh it's different. I mean, it's them something that you may not normally choose to try. I mean, we've done a dinner theater. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

So because the couples, whoever's choosing, it's their choice.

SPEAKER_02 18:00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:01

And so the rest go, okay, let's try it.

SPEAKER_02 18:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

And so it's yeah. I mean, we did a um uh a speakeasy. We did, yeah, and we dressed up in the 20s and um went did a comedy show.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

We've done it, we have done a lot of good ones, but uh yeah, go have fun. Go find and and if that doesn't work, always pull out the how you doing. How you doing you never know how that works.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

And and and it might be you might be a point in your relationship where if how you doing goes, oh my gosh, get away from me. Clear sign. Yes, it's time for a date.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

You might need to go on a date.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

Yep. If you can't laugh, yes, if you can't laugh and chuckle about it, and it might be one of those dates that um you go out on the date and you might just get a kiss and it's a good night, and that's it. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

But you dated that way before.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

Yes. And so maybe that's where you have to start again.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Yep. Um, or you may get a shake the hand. Or you might yeah, I mean, your relationship might be at the point where you may shake hands and go to bed. Yes. That's okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

You might not even get the half hug.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

No, you may not.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

And and but and and the point is that's a starting place.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

It is the starting place. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:17

Um, and and and just like when you were dating um when you first started, when you first got together, um, you had you had to be intentional about it. Sometimes you said, hey guys, I can't go out with you because I'm going out with her. Yeah, we're gonna go do some stuff. I can't go play golf. I can't do this, we're going out. And you got excited about it. So the same thing is true.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

And you cleaned yourself up and you work alone, and you you know, you did something to yourself. You yes, because you didn't just be like, Here, here I am.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

You were trying to impress.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

Do that again. Take it back to those that time. Yes. Maybe it's just a peak, clean pair of jeans and a button-down shirt, or maybe it's no ball cap.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

Or maybe it is a ball cap turned around backwards. You never know. You never know what got her going. I'm just saying, I mean, I have I don't know that I've seen you in a ball cap turned backwards that it didn't like.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

So yeah, I mean, you know. I had more to say, but since this goes out to the world, I'll just keep it to myself. But um, but but it's those things that maybe those are the things that she liked when you're dating. And so you try them.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Yeah.

unknown 20:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

And a lot of times, and I again it's all personal, but there are a lot of things that you know, I have told you in the past, like, I think that's so attractive. And you go, what? You know, that's just what it, you know, there are different things that like that I do.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

Yes. Yeah. I'm like, well, that's dumb.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

You're like, what I didn't do anything, but but to me you did, you know. So I I just think you need to find those things again. And and that takes intentionality of looking at your spouse in a in a different way than what you're used to looking at him.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

And just and and I'm and I would think that if you're in that place where you don't find the other one attractive, you're going, I have to spend a whole evening with this person. Um and if your relationship and your marriage is important to you, then yes. And you start looking for those things that were attractive to you at one time. And it may not be right now physical. Right. It may be the smile, it may be the way she holds her fork, or he opens a door, or um whatever pulls your trail, whatever it is, start finding those things again. Because again, if it's not a physical attraction, there's more to it. You're not connecting um emotionally. Um and we've talked about that before about about sex. Sex and how that is physical and emotional.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

And you gotta have one's gotta have one, one's gotta have the other.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Mm-hmm. And so so those there has to be connections there. Yeah. Um and so that that's our our challenge.

Hot Take Attraction Is Maintained

SPEAKER_00 22:13

And as always, um I caught you off card and we'll have a hot take for you to take away into your uh marriage, your relationship, and then um start hopefully this starts a conversation. We encourage you that if maybe um you're listening to this and and you want to start dating your spouse again, you send it to them.

SPEAKER_02 22:32

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

And say and then it's a lead and say, what do you think about this?

SPEAKER_02 22:37

That's right. Today's hot take attraction isn't found, it's maintained.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

And and and when we talk about maintained, it's from um when you first start dating. And and I think if we could tell all married couples that are just getting started, you have to work at it, it has to be maintained.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Yeah. It's like a a maintainer for the road. You gotta come maintain it every once in a while. If you don't, you let it go, it turns into crap.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Or we live on a dirt road and they just maintained our road. And after it rains, it's it's bumpy, it's got uh holes in it. You gotta straighten it out. Gotta straighten it up. Yeah. And they do that every so often. Um, otherwise, if it's let go, we would live we need a four-wheel drive to get down. That's right.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

And that's how some marriages look if they're not maintaining them.

SPEAKER_00 23:24

Mm-hmm. It's a good one.

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Thanks. It's a rocky road.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

The rocky, it's a rocky road.

SPEAKER_02 23:28

And if you're on a rocky road, um if if the snoring at night makes you want to put the pillow over his face and hold it down until he stops, it's time for a date.

SPEAKER_00 23:37

Yes. Um, that may be that may mean you need to go out on it. And a date, um, for we before we finish up, a date is not anything just wild and crazy. It doesn't have to be expensive.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

We've discussed that before. It can be a picnic on the back porch, it can be um corn dogs and french fries and a candlelight.

SPEAKER_00 23:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 23:56

I mean, it can be anything, it doesn't have to be expensive.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

It can be an Uno game.

SPEAKER_02 24:01

Grab McDonald's and drive around the country roads.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

Yep. It can be very simple, just somewhere that you can have a conversation and talk. Yes. And and begin maintaining that rocky road that was once there. So as always, thank you so much for joining us. And again, if this um might apply to your current marriage, then send it to your spouse and say, what do you think about this? And get that conversation started and say, What do you think about um a date and and um and share it with others that you might know? And um we just appreciate you joining us on marriage hot takes. And I'm Aaron.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

And I'm Kim.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

And we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment, they're built in small, intentional choices made every day. If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_00 25:03

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.