Ep 21: The Third Wheel In Your Marriage

We name the quiet “third wheels” that sneak into marriage and pull our attention away from the person right in front of us. We challenge ourselves to notice what gets our best energy and to turn that focus back toward each other before disconnection becomes the norm. 
• why conversations stall when distractions take over 
• the meaning of a third wheel beyond another person 
• how phones and smartwatches signal “this matters more” 
• how kids and family interruptions can make a spouse feel sidelined 
• how work and being “always on” becomes a wedge at home 
• a simple weekly challenge that reveals what you prioritize most 
If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Conversations Matter

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Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

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We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

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This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

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It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

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We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

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So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone. Let's get into today's hot take.

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Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. Thanks for taking the time to join us. We are your host, Aaron and Kim Degler. Um, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes Each Week. We just like to share a little bit about our last 22 years of marriage, um, some of the highs, lows, and all the in-between. And as always, we like to leave you with a hot take when um we finish. Just uh for something that you can take into your relationship, into your marriage, and start that conversation um that we hope that that we desire for your relationship, your marriage that you'll always have in a conversation because um the problem isn't when you have a conversation, problems always arise when you stop having conversations.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

Um pull that out. Good job pulling that out.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

Thank you. Just thought, why not?

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Yeah.

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Um and which kind of goes along with a little bit what we're gonna talk about.

The Third Wheel Story From Dating

SPEAKER_02 1:31

When I was uh in high school, high school, I had um a f a friend, um, he's my best friend, he's a couple years older than I was, um, and he had gotten he had a girlfriend, and I was didn't have a girlfriend. I don't think I ever I never had a girlfriend in high school till then high school, but anyhow, so and we were best friends, and so when you're best friends and then your best friend gets a girlfriend, then they're nice to you and they invite you to go places with them. Yeah. Well, they were both older, and so you know, and so they were out of high school, and so they'd be nice and invite me. Um but when you're the third one there and you don't have anybody, when it's two people going, four people going on a date, it's called double date.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

Yep. When three people are, it's called a third wheel.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

Third wheel. And how fun is the third wheel?

SPEAKER_01 2:29

Have to forbid the third wheel stuff.

SPEAKER_02 2:35

La-ty-da. La-ti-da. Um, it's not fun to be a third wheel. Um, but if you know, if we were to say, you know, you have a third wheel in your marriage, you'd be like, there is nobody take my friend anywhere with us. There's nobody going out on a date with us or going on a vacation with us. Um, you'd say that's nuts. And and it might even I wouldn't even say, I bet you got a third wheel in bed.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Yeah. And you go, there's no one most I won't say most. A lot of people do.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

Have a third wheel in bed.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Yeah.

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And you go, and you would your instant thought is there is no third person in our bed at all.

What A Third Wheel Really Is

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But as we talk about a third wheel, third wheel necessarily isn't a person.

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But a third wheel could be a phone, a phone, a job that takes all of your energy and what is the other word? Focus. Attention.

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Attention.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Uh, kids. I mean, I'm sure a lot of times you've had a kid in your bed, and I'm guaranteeing you many nights you have a phone in your bed.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

You go to sleep with it, you wake up with it. Yeah. Can't sleep in the middle of the night, you get up the whole time.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

Yeah, if I if you wake up and you think, I just can't go to sleep. Wonder what's happening out on the world.

SPEAKER_02 3:57

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Yeah.

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Third wheels are sometimes other family members.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Yes. It it can be a whole bunch of a lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 4:06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

I think that was the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

Yep. But that that really gets the point. A whole bunch of a lot of things. Um, because it really can, and really um kind of like when um I was a third wheel on the dates, um, they would have to include me in the conversation. And right? I mean, it's not like they can just talk to each other and me just say, hey.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

I've just I've not experienced I'm amazed at how it works.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

And so you probably didn't know till now that I was had been a third wheel, right?

unknown 4:35

Uh uh.

SPEAKER_02 4:35

Yeah, well, now you know. Um, but again, you can't focus on each other. Yeah. And and so just you got somebody in the backseat. Yeah, just because I was saying, hey, what y'all doing for? Y'all holding hands now, huh? And so it took it took away from them. And and that's what the third wheel does in our marriages.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Yes.

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In our relationships, is it takes time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

I mean, it takes takes away time.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

Yes, it takes away time and focus. Yeah. And and so if you think about if you've ever been going out and and um had a third wheel, another person that went out with you, um what does it do to the relationship? Can you connect the way you would if they weren't there?

SPEAKER_01 5:21

No. Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_02 5:23

Uh, and and because if if we use I would say maybe the phone is one of the biggest

Phones And Watches Hijack Attention

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ones.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

I would agree because you can sit and have a conversation. You you cannot sit and have a conversation anymore normally without someone picking up their phone to look at something. They may sneak it up to act like they're looking at the time, but really they're looking to see what notification they might have that oh yeah. And or that little text ding that goes off or vibrates that you think that is more important right now than talking to her. And I know that you may not think that's what you're saying, but immediately when your eyes glance at that, when you're in mid-conversation, that's what that means. This is more important.

SPEAKER_02 6:17

And and and it's not only the phone now, but we have connected to our wrist.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

Right.

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So it's uh So when when something so how many times when you get a vibrating on your on your watch, do you look at it? Yeah, even if you're having a conversation with somebody, it is what that tells them is you just had a got a some sort of notification on your phone that in that in that second, it was more important to use to look at that to see what was going on besides that one person in front of you.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

Yes.

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Um, and and it and it and it disconnects the connection um because it is taking focus away and saying, Oh, I wasn't focused enough that I needed to see what the and and how many times was it have you ever got a notification on your watch and thought, oh, I have to answer that right now.

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It's gonna require this right now. Oh, let me grab my phone. And then the person that you're talking to immediately does this.

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Then they grab their phone.

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Yeah. But because what else are they supposed to do? Oh, okay. Let me check mine. Yes, because that's how it makes them feel like, oh, well, I got a phone too.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

So yeah, I got I got I'm important too. Yeah. Ding ding. Oh, I got a text.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

I was letting mine be silent, but I okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:40

And and and we we a third wheel's in a friendship and a lot of different things, but I think even more so in a in a relationship, in a marriage, it is very distracting because when the other person is talking to you, the third wheel got your attention because somebody texts you. You had to Google something, you're looking it up, or you're just scrolling because you don't want to pay attention to the other person.

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Yes, that's exactly right. Because you're halfway listening.

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And then we have the third wheel if we're in the kid season.

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And

When Kids Become The Interrupting Wedge

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then it you're you could be mid-conversate, you could be mid-lots of things.

SPEAKER_02 8:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

And a kid walks in and that's gonna end that real quick. But I mean, that's gonna come most times, especially for a mom. As soon as the kid comes and needs something, they are gonna stop talking to their spouse and start talking to the kid because that's what our job has always been. And not only with little kids, I think as moms, we tend to do that all the way through as they grow up. You will be the first one to tell me, like, you don't have to answer the kid's text right away. Or if you're if you're in the middle of lunch, you don't have to answer their call right away. Well, I do because they need me at that moment. My kids are all and and 20 20s.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

And how many times have you dropped what you're doing to answer their call or their text and them have something that was so urgent?

SPEAKER_01 9:14

No, that's not normally urgent, but we needed to say, Hey, mom, hey.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Yeah, what you doing? But but but that's but I I think you're right. I think it is mom's.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

It is, and then how does it because the dad's gonna be like this? Come on.

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So then how does that make your husband feel?

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Yeah, less important than the child, the third wheel. Because then you become the third wheel. Yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:43

I mean the kid isn't the kid is a third wheel because they're interrupting, taking focus away. But then that's exactly right. How often then does husband become the third wheel?

SPEAKER_01 9:54

I'm gonna do this with the kids, and oh, where's dad gonna be? Yes, yeah.

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And so then it makes him feel oh well, I'm not important. Or anytime they call, she's going or text or needs something, she's gonna drop everything and go. Um and I definitely think moms are more yeah, they do that more than dads.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

I I I will agree with that. Yeah, for sure. And all the way up through. I mean, yeah, I'm how old am I? 51? I'm fifty fun, is what my friend says. I'm fifty-fun years old. And and my mom will still do that to this day if my brother or I call.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

I think it's gonna stay fifty fun all the way till I hit sixty. Why can't it?

SPEAKER_01 10:43

It c it could. Fifty fun.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

How old are you? I'm fifty fun.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

I'm fifty fun. Anyway.

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Anyhow.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Yeah, I mean your mom She would she it's my brother or I or any of our kids, drop everything. And she will. And she always has. She's the mom that turned into the grandma that turned into the great grandma, and she will still do the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

And and and I just think we have to be really careful with that. Yeah. When it comes to our our marriage. Um, because that third wheel can just be a little wedge. And then the more they require attention and focus, it becomes a bigger and bigger wedge. Um, why should I really communicate with Aaron or her? Because I get dropped in a minute for to go take care of kids, to go help volunteer for this organization, to um go help friends out. And it's a little thing, it's a little wheel. And then the that third wheel gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

And

Work And Always On Jobs At Home

SPEAKER_01 11:55

another one that will make the wife feel a lot of times like the third wheel is a job that requires so much uh attention from you, you know, uh whether it be coaching or you know, one of those jobs that you feel like you're always on. Something's happening, I gotta deal with this, I gotta do that. Um in a business. I mean, we own a business, and that requires a lot of your attention. And I think that if you're not careful, those phone calls that come in, those texts that come in again goes back to the phone, but from your job. It's my job. It's my job. I've gotta, well, it's it's my I gotta get, I gotta answer this because, oh, well, sh, you know, and and you just got mad at her for saying, Well, it's the kids. Yes, and it's the exact same because um more than likely any of the job situations can wait. It doesn't need to be taken care of at 8 30 on a Tuesday night. Nah, nothing really does.

SPEAKER_02 13:01

That's true.

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What needs to be taken care of at 8 30 on a Tuesday night is your husband or your wife. Because the kids are in bed at 8 30.

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They should be.

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They should be because you need your own time.

SPEAKER_02 13:14

That's right. Um that's a whole nother conversation.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

Send them to their room.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

Yeah, send them to their room. Um because kids are not the number one thing in a marriage.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Right.

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Breaking news.

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Right.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

I know you think they are, but they're not.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Um and their job. And you may disagree with this, but your job and their job. Your job is to raise responsible humans that will move out of your house and become responsible adults. And their job is to become responsible adults. So that it their job is to leave you. That that is what is intended to happen is you raise your kids to leave you. So they will not always be in your home with your spouse.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

And because and and part of that is raising them in a manner that, again, they're not always the third wheel. They always don't need you to bail them out, take care of them, because that does you might have got them out of the house, but they're still a codependent on you. Um so that that's a again, a whole nother conversation. Um, but but back to the job, it is can be a third wheel. Um and and and if you think about if let's say we'll just say gender norms, if if if dad has the job that is the third wheel, and mom has the kids of the third wheel, now you have two different wheels that are third wheels pulling apart from the relationship that make it real hard to connect because if if you're focused on job, you're focused on kids, how do you have time to focus on the marriage?

SPEAKER_01 15:00

And then you go to bed and you pull out the other third wheel of the phone.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

Or computer or I mean you have it all fighting against you.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

The the the television, watching TV, um gaming, gaming. Um, so many um third wheels that again, if if we were married, uh uh are married, but if but being married, and if you had that person right in the center of you all the time saying, hey, what are y'all doing? Hey, look at me. Hey, hey, did you notice me? Hey, what are y'all doing? Why are y'all doing that? Um pick me up, pick me up. Touch me. Yeah, um, um, you haven't talked to me. What hey, what are y'all talking about? Explain that. You'd be like, oh my gosh. Be quiet. Go away. And we have to think about that's what um our phones are saying to us.

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That's what our device is saying to us.

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That's what our job is saying. That is what our kids are saying. That's what sometimes our friends are saying, that's what sometimes the organizations are saying is I need attention.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Um, and and which also says I'm more important.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

What what's that? Where your um focus goes, your energy goes. Um and it's exactly what it's saying. If you're saying pay attention to me, it's saying I'm more important. And so and and that's what we're telling our spouse. Correct. That when we're paying attention to that third wheel, that is more important than you. Right. We aren't saying it. We go, I would never tell her that. I would never tell him that. But you don't have to say those words because your actions are screaming. That's more important than you. Because I think sometimes we feel, well, they'll be there.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Yeah, I think, you know, it makes I hope I can get this all out without forgetting it because sometimes it happens. But we had an episode where we talked about excuses and how um if you would just say, um, well, it's you're not that's not important to me. It would be the same way, like every time you picked up your phone to just say, This is more important than you. If you had to say that every time you looked at that notification while you were out to dinner or having a conversation on on a date, um, just sitting across the table from each other. And each time that you looked at your watch or your phone and you had to say, excuse me, this is more important than you, how would that make the person feel? It would be the same thing as your excuses.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

And I know, I know I've been at work all day, honey, but I'm gonna have to stay a couple more hours because this is more important than you.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 17:35

How long would that take if you said those words before you go, okay, apparently everything is more important to you. So why don't you Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

And in the same way, we're in the middle of maybe you're making out on the couch and a kid's in the other room. Can you make out when you're married? You can't.

SPEAKER_02 17:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

On you can even do it on the couch. Just make out. Because it's your house, right? It's your house. You can make out on the couch. Uh, and your kids in the other room, and they start screaming for you, mom, mom, I need a drink of water. I need you know, whatever. I'm sorry. This is more important than you. How would that make the other person feel? Just, you know, words to think about.

SPEAKER_02 18:13

And and uh think about try that for a week.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Yeah. We're saying this to ourselves at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

Well, that's really good.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

I'm thinking for real. Wow. We're not just saying it to you, we're telling ourselves this and thinking, dang, that would be hurtful.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

Like when you're talking, we sometimes I'm watching TV and I should just say, I shouldn't say, but but it's what I'm when I go when I when I hit pause.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

This is what he we're watching Ted Lasso and I say, can you pause that? And I get this. All you need to say is Ted Lasso is more important.

SPEAKER_02 18:49

And then I'd go, uh we probably wouldn't have another conversation the rest of the night.

SPEAKER_01 18:53

I'd say, Huh, but I think I'll go ahead and go to bed. Yeah, cuz because how would that how would that after after you told somebody that my oh this uh me s scrolling on TikTok is more important than you, so me seeing how to cook these eggs uh a different way is way more important than you telling me how your day was today.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

I'm pretty sure that would stop the conversation for the rest of the night.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

I mean, how many other ways can you cook eggs?

SPEAKER_02 19:20

So yeah. Huh. I mean, I don't think we need to say anything else about third wheels.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

After that, I mean how's our knot gonna look tonight?

SPEAKER_02 19:27

Yeah, huh? Huh.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

That's some work on. That's some something to do some work on.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

Yeah. So that's the challenge right there.

The Challenge That Changes Your Focus

SPEAKER_02 19:37

We're gonna about to get in the hot take, but the challenge is if if the third wheel is your focus, start saying, Hey, this is more important than you.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

Yeah. And then see how that goes.

SPEAKER_02 19:49

And see how that works out for you.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:51

And then maybe you'll start to change the focus you're giving. Right. And where you're focusing and going. So that when the phone dings, you go, You're more important. I want to hear what you have to say. I can check that later.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

You're right here in front of me. That phone is who knows who it is.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 20:10

Today's hot take. The thing that gets your best energy becomes the third person in your marriage. What's getting your best?

SPEAKER_02 20:19

What's getting your best energy? Because you're with that best energy, you're saying you're more important to me. Um, so our challenge is to turn that energy around to the person that you're living with, that you sleep with every night, that you have conversations with, and say, you are more important than any third wheel. And if there is a third wheel that is becoming more important, then it's a time to evaluate that thing that is requiring your energy and your focus. And so now not only you have a challenge, so do we. We have a challenge as well. Um, so if you want to take that challenge and you want to send it to a spouse, your spouse, not a spouse, but your spouse, your own, please. Your own spouse, um, then that might be a great way to say, hey, let's try this. Um, it may be them that's doing it, and you can say, hey, this would be fun. Let's try this.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Yeah. That's always the way you have to approach it. This would be fun. What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 21:11

Yeah, and and and see what they say. And they might go, that's the dumbest idea. Okay. Or they go, well, let's try that. Um, so that's the challenge. It's weird challenge as well.

Closing Thoughts And How To Support

SPEAKER_02 21:20

But as always, um, thank you so much for joining us on um this week's marriage hot takes. I'm Aaron.

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And I'm Kim.

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And we'll see you next time.

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Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

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We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

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Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment, they're built in small, intentional choices made every day. If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.