Ep 23: Is Your Spouse a Mind Reader?

We connect a funny “mind reader” memory to a serious marriage pattern: expecting our spouse to know what we want without telling them. We show how unspoken expectations quietly turn into resentment, and how simple, clear communication keeps your relationship close through every season. 

• expecting mind reading and getting hurt when it fails 
• carrying hidden expectations from family history and past relationships 
• why resentment builds through trial and error instead of clear agreements 
• the “marriage syllabus” idea for shared goals and roles 
• how tone and wording change the outcome of hard asks 
• everyday examples like trash, fixing things, and bathroom mess 
• using proactive check-ins, counseling, and seasonal resets to prevent wedges 

If you find value, please share it with someone you know um that could gain the value from it as well, because we would like to share that with them. 
If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about. And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. 

Transcript

Welcome To Marriage Hot Takes

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey everyone, welcome to Marriage Hot Takes, the podcast where we have honest conversations about marriage while it's still hot.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

We're Erin and Kim, and we're so glad you're here.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

This isn't about being perfect, having it all together, or pretending marriage is easy.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

It's about real life, real love, real struggles, real growth, and learning how to choose each other every single day.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

We'll talk about communication, conflict, faith, intimacy, expectations, and everything in between.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

So whether your marriage is in a great season or a hard one, you're not alone. Let's get into today's hot take.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Welcome back to Marriage Hot Takes. Thank you for taking time to join us. We are your host Aaron and Kim Degler. We just uh share with you each week a little bit um of what we learned over the last 22 years of marriage, some of the the takeaways, the um the lessons we've learned. We just want to share those each week with you. And um this week we're gonna talk a little bit. I don't know if you remember, do you remember um I know you will remember? I might. Because you like you like late night TV, right? Mm-hmm. You remember Johnny Carson?

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Yes. One of my favorites.

SPEAKER_01 1:13

Do you remember when Johnny Carson used to get this um like um uh it's kind of like a fortune teller hat? Yes. And um yes, and he would hold something up to his head and try to, it would be a mind reader.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Um, and I don't really remember the skit, but I just can see him sitting there at his desk with um uh be a star. Remember uh John? No, who was his co-host name?

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Ed McMahon, and it wasn't be a star, it was called Star Search.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Star Search, it was a star something.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

Be a star. Be a star Ed McMahon.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

Ed McMahon. Also publisher's clearinghouse.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

You got it.

SPEAKER_01 1:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

That's what they tell us. Now they say that that wasn't it. That's a Mandela effect.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Publisher's Clearinghouse?

SPEAKER_00 2:00

He didn't do publisher's clearinghouse.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Really? I know. He was on the commercials, breaking information. He was on the commercials.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

They say he wasn't. It was a different thing. I know he showed up at the doors. This is a whole other day. So a whole other thing.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

So if you want to know about Mandela Effect, just go Google. It's easy to find. Uh, it's very interesting. Um, back to Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon. Ed McMahon. Um, they both were on tonight's show.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

There's no Mandela Effect there yet. With Johnny Carson.

SPEAKER_01 2:34

Yes.

The Mind Reading Myth In Marriage

SPEAKER_01 2:35

And um he so it he'd try to be a mind reader. And it was just a funny skit. Yeah. Um, but you know, and and he would usually get it right because you know it's a skit.

SPEAKER_00 2:45

Um he knew ahead of time.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

He knew ahead of time. It it's it's for sure. Um, but I think sometimes in marriages we expect that.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Well, why why wouldn't we?

SPEAKER_01 2:56

We expect that the other person can read our mind.

SPEAKER_00 2:59

Yep. Tell me what I'm thinking right now.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

I can't say those things on camera.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

You're right. Um, how'd you know?

SPEAKER_01 3:09

But but that's what we expect. Yes. And so um and what happens when we when the other person doesn't read our mind?

SPEAKER_00 3:20

Well, then it might cause some resentment because like, why didn't you do those things? And and you say, I didn't know I was supposed to. Well, why wouldn't you know? It was just expected because it was in my mind.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Yeah, I mean because I think sometimes we've been married 22 years. We know um couples that have been married longer, couples that have been married less. Um and I think if we'd if we ask all of them, I bet none of them sat down at the beginning of their marriage and say these are expectations of our marriage.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

I have written down all these things I'm gonna share with you. This is the expectation.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

This is my be because don't we I mean I think we both went into the marriage with expectations. Of course.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

We did.

SPEAKER_01 4:11

And our biggest problem was we went in with expectations and we forgot to share it with the other person. Oops. And so and but yeah, we get bit out of shape when they don't meet those expectations.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Yes. But but they didn't know. They didn't know what the expectations were.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

What the expectation so we were, you know, I was expecting you to act in a certain way or um say something in a certain way.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Then how do you find out that you didn't meet those expectations?

SPEAKER_01 4:43

That like I didn't or or I didn't.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

How do you how does one find out that they didn't meet the expectations?

SPEAKER_01 4:50

Well, usually it's be it it it results in an argument.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

Well, because resentment. Because you find out that that was the expectation and you weren't told ahead of time.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

You didn't know.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

You didn't know. Trial and error.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Trial and error.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

Because in school, they let you know all the roles ahead of time.

SPEAKER_01 5:09

In college. You have a root We have a syllabus. A syllabus. A syllabus. So I don't even know if they still do that, but I think you do because I have a client that she still teaches. I think she does a syllabus. Um, but you get a syllabus, and basically the syllabus says, this is the expectation. If you want to make the grades, whatever grade you choose, this is how you do it. Um, this is what this is what we're gonna do week one, week two, week three, this is how we're gonna progress. All the things it's basically your hope.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

What if you had a syllabus of this is what we're gonna do year one, year two, year three, year four, of your marriage? By year 50,

Expectations You Never Shared

SPEAKER_00 5:45

what wonder what the expectation will be that year?

SPEAKER_01 5:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

Huh.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

And then and then because I mean, and and the longer you're married, long I think the less people plan. I mean, now plan as in, okay, we want to reach these certain goals financially or um with the kids or with house or whatever it is. But I don't think we necessarily set relationship goals and expectations. Um hey, w we have a busy season right now with kids. We're going to all kinds of sports, crazy, it's just crazy. What do we want our marriage to look like when we're empty nesting? What do we want to and for us, we just hit that by random luck, dumb luck, really.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Very much so.

SPEAKER_01 6:32

It's not that we knew anything.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Not at all.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

The thing we just knew was that one day we would be empty nesters and we wanted to like each other.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Well, and I think that one reason why that was important to us is because we didn't start a marriage without children. So we didn't we didn't have um time without kids. So we knew when they did leave, this is kind of what we wanted it to look like because we'd never had it. So that's a little different probably than maybe somebody on their first on their first marriage when maybe they had five years before they had children.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Yeah. And we didn't we didn't have that. Yeah. Um and so we did know that that we wanted it to look like that. Um but with those expectations, how often do we have conversations about those expectations before they come up?

SPEAKER_00 7:23

N not very often.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Because a lot of times, uh I mean, an expectation we carry into a a marriage is maybe something we experience at home, maybe with parents, or maybe we experienced with a previous marriage or a previous relationship.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

The expectation of, you know, he's he'll be the fixer. He'll he'll fix all the things. News flash, he's not.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

Yeah, and if you were to get mad at me for not fixing anything, well, why well I didn't know I was supposed to.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

And we didn't talk about that.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Right. And and but yeah And you didn't grow up with that.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

And the resentment comes from not discussing it.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

It's like I can't believe she is not doing that.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

That drives me crazy when he doesn't do what he should be doing. Because But and you don't know it.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

And I didn't know it. I'm like, well, why is she upset? I don't I mean, I I mean I didn't know how to fix anything, but I didn't know what she wanted me to do about it. Yeah. Um and and so over the years that resentment grows. And because we go into the marriage with an expectation, and then it's it we still never have the comp the conversation about it. Right. And then the little bit of resentment that could have been squashed, if we said, Hey, why don't you do that? Well, because I I don't know how, or I didn't know that's what you wanted me to do. Right. I didn't know I was supposed to take out the trash.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

I didn't know that you never asked me to do those things.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

You never asked me to do it. And that's and that's the thing too. It's not um and not only ask, but how do you ask? Are you ever gonna take out the trash or is that just something you don't do?

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Right. Instead of saying, Is there a way you could take out the trash today? Maybe don't throw in the today because then that makes it sound like because you've never done it before. Uh just thought I would ask if you could at least do that today.

SPEAKER_01 9:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Maybe just say, hey, could you take out the trash? Hey, you know it'd be great if you could take out the trash for me. It helped me a lot today.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

Yes. And or how we say our words, because we all have a tone. We do.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Whether we want to admit and your spouse knows your sarcastic tone. You may not realize they really do know it, but they they know the sarcastic tone.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

And we've all been there like, what? Like our kids. What I I'm just saying it.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

I'm just saying it. I didn't mean anything different.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

And your spouse knows, without a doubt.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

They do. Um, no matter how you're not being sneaky.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

No, no matter how much you go, no. Um but it's it's talking about those expectations of of what what is it you want me to do? Um, it's it's as as simple as if if if you each have a if you share a uh bathroom sink and one person's super messy and go, he or she never cleans up or never throws anything in the trash.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Yes. I have while we're on that subject, I'm not gonna call you out. I we were both

Planning For New Marriage Seasons

SPEAKER_00 10:45

very good about that, but I had just saw a TikTok and I have this kind of blew my mind a little bit for a couple of reasons. The guy was talking about how women and his wife was included in that, complain about leaving, you know, uh like doing their beard and leaving beard clippings on the sink. And we all know that women complain about that. I mean, that's a given. They're gonna be like, clean up after yourself. And he compared it to this, and I was like, do women do that about the hair in the shower drain and how you know women wash their hair and they and the hair and then it gets in and I was like, Do women leave hair in the shower? Women do better. If you do that, do better. Get the hair. I mean, every time you wash your hair, you and take it out because you want your husband to clean up his beard. That's the we don't need to be doing that. Clean that up, clean up after yourself.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

It goes both ways.

SPEAKER_00 11:55

It goes both ways.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Because there's probably that there's probably men that get in the shower that go cold. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Oh my gosh, there is a mouse down there. No, it's just my wife's hair again. Don't be gross. That was my soapbox. I saw that TikTok and thought, what? What huh? Clean that up.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

Clean up, men. Clean your stuff up.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Yeah, clean your stuff. That is the expectation. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

We it it shouldn't need to be said, but so yeah, that so us, we would think the expectation is keep it clean.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

But but apparently some men, some women, some spouses.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

And maybe one spouse is doing and the other is not, and that is an expectation that's probably not spoken about, but wow.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

So it so just something happened today, I have to share that. Um I was showing an exercise in class today um with a hurdle. And so um I said, you know, you can choose how the hurdles are what everyone in class loves. Yeah, hurdles like a six-inch thing that you we you can jump over and go back and forth.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Um we do we jump every kind of way there is.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Yeah, so I gave a choice, you know, you can choose how you want to do the hurdle.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

Um and we have probably 15 choices.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

Yeah, and I put your choice. I I didn't go through all of them because everybody pretty much knows. And so in the first class this morning, somebody started there, and I look and I'm helping somebody else and turn around, and they're and it's a plastic hurdle. It's like on the ground, on the ground, and so they're picking it up and pressing it overhead. Like that's the exercise they chose. And so they were being funny.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

If you're watching, this is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Yes, pressing up overhead. Yep. And so I laughed and I thought, oh, that that that was funny. Because your expectation my expectation was that you would do some sort of jumping movement over it. It like it never crossed my mind that that was an option. And they showed you it was, and they showed me it was, and I thought, well, that's a valid point because it I said You didn't choose. I said, hurdle you choose. That was the instructions on the board. Yeah.

unknown 14:00

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

And expectation. And so that would be like me turning around going, are y'all stupid? Yes. Can you not read?

SPEAKER_00 14:08

We did read.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

It said your choice. And so I can't.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

So I never this was my choice today, is what that person said.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

Yeah. So immediately I was like, Okay. Valid. Yep. I can't even, I can't. If that's what you want to do, go for it.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

What they what the young kids say now is that tracks.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

That tracks. There you go, that tracks. Um, and so the same thing is true.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

I don't know if that's the young kids or not, but heard it. Heard it said.

SPEAKER_01 14:33

In our relationships, we won't look at the other person and go, yeah, okay, you're right. We'll go, cannot. What is that? Well, how would you get that exercise out of that? That's pretty dumb. I can't believe what a moron. What a I swear. I swear. I can't he cannot figure out life. And then so they go on to do a little something else a little day, and you go, I swear. And and it just that remains.

Chores, Tone, And Daily Friction

SPEAKER_00 14:55

And then there is this.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

I swear. And and and um, if if you uh watch Back to the Future, what did um Biff always do?

SPEAKER_00 15:05

McFly.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Hello, McFly.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Hello, McFly.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Whack, whack, whack. Yes, sorry, that might have been loud. Um so the the the problem comes with not communicating the expectations and then if if that's not done, okay, but you you then holding it in and having resentment because that resentment grows. And when the resentment grows, it is like a wedge and it is a separator. So it it it widens the gap between your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Yes, because it it's that one thing, and then there's another thing, another thing, and then we add another thing, and it just gets wider and wider. Stella sees the ghost.

SPEAKER_01 15:57

And so it it's we we talk about this often, but the communication is important. And if you're listening and you're about to get married, or you're newly married, if you're five years in, what do you want marriage to look like in 10 years, in five years, next year?

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Even if you're 22 years in, you can still say, What how do we want this to look in 25 years and 30 years?

SPEAKER_01 16:21

Um, I was listening to a sermon this week, and the the preacher was, he was younger, he's in his mid-30s. Um, he's talking about um, I think he'd been married 14 or 15 years, and and him and his wife still that they they go to counseling. And he said, before you get all worked up over that, since I'm a pastor, we do that for the health of our marriage, and we have done that for a long time.

SPEAKER_00 16:42

Proactive.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

It's being proactive. Um, just like the planning is if if you're planning for retirement and you're 20 years old, that is being proactive to take care of your life in later years. So doing the things to be proactive for your marriage to help it prosper at five years, at 10 years, at 15 years, at 25 years, at 50 years, it takes that intentionality of how do we want that look? How do we want our relationship? How are we gonna communicate? What are we gonna do? Um, what expectations do we have as as different seasons change? And maybe, maybe it's not even long term, maybe it's um sometimes it can be month to month. Hey, you have a heavy workload this month. And, you know, these are what you know I'm gonna take from you so you know you don't have to worry about. So now uh he or she knows the expectations of the other that they can expect them to help a little bit more or do a little bit. I mean, so the expectations can go back and forth, so there's no during those seasons, there's no resentment building up.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Yeah, and sometimes it doesn't need to be, hey, I see that you have a heavy low workload this month. Sometimes it can be, hey, I have a heavy workload this month. Is there any way that for this month you could take on X, Y, and Z? Whatever that might be. Could you take on paying the bills? Could you take on, you know, whatever your job might be, the one little job, small job that you could help me with these things.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

W without the response being, sure, I'll take on another thing.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Okay. Okay, I'll add that to my list. It doesn't need to be ugly. And that might just need to be he's asking or she is asking, and I know it's probably takes a lot to ask. So in turn, I'm going to be responsive of say of saying it this way. Yeah, let me do that for you. Is there is there any another is there another way that I could help too?

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Mm-hmm. And and then in turn, if if let's say he's asking her in that she's picking up a little bit extra load, in turn, he takes a towel and just wipes off the sink when he's done.

SPEAKER_00 19:08

How about it?

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Just a quick thing that didn't take him anymore.

SPEAKER_00 19:11

Yeah. So I mean and at the same time, that doesn't mean like, okay, great. She just took on five extra jobs for me this month. And it doesn't mean to be, it doesn't need to then be a year later, she's still doing those jobs because I needed her to do it that month. And so you need to re-evaluate the next month and be like, okay, things have slowed down a little bit. I could take those back. She may be like, or he may be like, I got it. It's no big deal. Okay, you can move on.

SPEAKER_01 19:41

And part of those expectations are you share what maybe you need and say, can we we'll we'll we'll talk about it in a couple weeks or a month or however long. So there is an expectation already, you've already agreed upon that in a little bit of time, a set time, you're gonna read it discuss that

Assumptions Create A Resentment Wedge

SPEAKER_01 20:00

again.

SPEAKER_00 20:00

But it all goes back to communication.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Communication.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

You gotta communicate. You gotta communicate because you're not gonna be able to do like Johnny Carson and read what's on my mind.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

And and men or women, it would not be a good idea to get a Johnny Carson mind reader helmet. And when the other person says something, oh hang on and put on your helmet, just look at them. Like I have not, you know, that's not good.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

No.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

But like you're sitting there right now, you have um you have we have roughly about 80,000 thoughts that go through our head a day.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

I have 82,000 right now.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

82. There's no way that I can tell right now what is going through your mind. Right. It's just not possible. So the only way we know what's going on with each other is if we communicate and we talk um and share those expectations and then we can move forward and discuss those expectations. I don't think that's I think that's a little much. I think that's too, you know, and you can work it out. Yeah. And have that. Um so as always, we like to leave you with a hot take. This is where you're gearing up.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

You already know it. No, I don't. I was just gonna say along with that hot take, men clean up your beard hair, and women get your hair from shampoo day out of the shower trap because get your mouse out of the trap. Yes, because um, well, that's disgusting. So you got a double today.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

I think that's gonna be a clip. Get your mouse out of the trap.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Get your mouse out of the trap because it's disgusting. Today's hot take. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.

SPEAKER_01 21:38

Can you read that one more time?

SPEAKER_00 21:39

Well, of course I can because there's a hard word in there and it makes me have to stop and stumble on it every time. So hold on. Today's hot take. Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

So without knowing it, without communicating those expectations, you're premeditating, um, you're planning for resentment.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Right.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

You're being proactive for resentment.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

Yes. Because I already have this all in my head, and I need you to read my mind and know exactly what I want you to to do today, would be like me saying, Oh, I I thought tomorrow he might want to take me out, but never expressing that to you.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

And so I get home and sit down.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

And it would be like what I always say, the Friday night blues. It'd be like, uh, you come home on a Friday and then I'm like this, all dolled up and ready to go. Dolled up. I'm all dolled up, ready to go for the weekend. And you come home and go, man, I had a week. Okay, we're not doing anything.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

We're just sitting here.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

And then I would be mad at you for doing that. And you would be like, What? Why is she mad?

SPEAKER_01 22:53

What I do, what I do, nothing, nothing, dear.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

In that tone, yeah, and that's how it would go.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

And then yeah, and then it's built.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

And so without having those that communication, the resentment, you are planning for resentment.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

It may not be immediate, but over time, um, repetitive, it will create a wedge in the relationship.

The Hot Take And How To Fix It

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Um, but as we always say, communication is um if if you can say what's one um successful thing to a relationship, marriage, it's communication. Because when that stops, uh there's a trouble is it's brewing.

SPEAKER_00 23:38

Yeah, trouble's brewing.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

It's usually already late when communication stops. So um, thank you so much for joining us on this week's marriage hot take. We hope that um you take this hot take into your relationship and your marriage. Um, it starts a conversation. Um, it it adds value to your relationship and improves your relationship. And that's what we want to do each week is just add value. If you find value, please share it with someone you know um that could gain the value from it as well, because we would like to share that with them. So thank you again so much for joining us on this week's hot take. I'm Aaron.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

And I'm Kim.

SPEAKER_01 24:08

And we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Thanks so much for spending this time with us on Marriage Hot Takes.

SPEAKER_01 24:12

We hope today's conversation encouraged you, challenged you, and gave you something practical to take back into your marriage.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

Remember, strong marriages aren't built in one big moment, they're built in small, intentional choices made every day. If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you care about.

SPEAKER_01 24:29

And don't forget to subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us reach more couples. Until next time, keep choosing each other, and we'll see you for the next hot take.