The Monster I Was, The Miracle I Am

When a baby is born into this world, there is no telling what that child will become. The possibilities are endless. Will they become a lawyer? A doctor? An entrepreneur? The next president of the United States? Life throws us the hardest curve balls at times, and for many they have no control over that ball. I am here to tell you, I was that ball. But what if I also told you that sometimes the biggest curve balls can win the greatest home runs? I assure you, these miracles hold beauty that no diamond can contain. They defy the odds of judgement, and spark faith in the most unlikely of souls.

I know firsthand the feeling of not knowing who I am, or where I'm going. I know what it feels like to be so broken that death feels like a favor. To want so badly for something to change, yet the concept of change seems impossible. The enemy of my soul had me convinced that I was supposed to be a drug addict, an alcoholic, and shunned by society. I believed the lie that my purpose in this world was to be something that no one else wanted to be. The sad thing is I submitted to that lie for far too long and it aided in my sevenfold destruction. But what if I told you that my destruction was the best thing that ever happened to me? That through the pain and the shame I became a winner, that I became a child of the Most High God?

In this episode, I share how my deepest destruction became the doorway to freedom, faith, and a new identity. If you’ve ever felt too far gone to change, this story is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:33

Hello, my friends. How are you today? This is Jay here, and I'd like to welcome you to the Redeeming Evil podcast, where we not only confront evil, but find a way to redeem it, to shine the light, God's word, and expose the garbage not only in our world, but also in our own hearts. I'm so excited to be with you today on this very fine afternoon. I truly hope everyone out there is having a very bright and beautiful day so far, that no matter where you've gone today or even the entire week, that you've only been surrounded with the most amazing people who have shown you nothing but kindness and goodness and that you have been abundantly good to them in return. Now, I'm not gonna go into some long introduction here about how insanely stressful it has been to start this podcast or how I'm an absolute perfectionist who has truly been agonizing over making this as big a hit as possible. Because what is the point? Nothing is perfect, it's not going to be perfect. And after some time, I finally realized that it's not about the production, it's not about how fancy I can make my episodes, it's about what I have to say, what I can give you of myself. And hopefully that keeps bringing you back. So redeeming evil is exactly as it sounds taking something bad, something profoundly wicked, something evil, and then through the lens of God's love and his unchanging, beautiful holy word, finding a way to redeem it, to find some kind of light, some kind of purpose that can come from the horrific nature of true crime in our world and also our own transgressions. And I figured what's the best way to gain credibility with my audience than to share my own redemption story? Because for you to know what redeeming evil is all about, I really feel as if I must go back to the very beginning of my own life because my incredible redemption story is what has truly shaped the idea for the show. So that's what I'm going to do today. I'm going to tell you a story that not many people even know. Um, I've honestly been in relationships, uh, friendships, you know, with people for years now that would never believe in a million years that what I'm about to tell you is true because I have been hiding it for so long. Now it's not easy to do, obviously, to put your wounds and your craziness out there for all to hear. As in, I am totally nervous about this, but I need to heal. And I think the way that happens is by taking something the devil meant for bad and sharing the absolute goodness that God brought out of it because that's just what he does. He is the Waymaker, he is the Alpha and the Omega, he's the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, he can do anything. Period. Before I begin, I just want to let all my listeners know that the following story does contain sensitive topics such as self-harm and severe drug and alcohol abuse. So, viewer discretion is advised. So, with that, I'm just going to jump right in to telling you my story because that is the greatest message that I have to share with you today. Now, again, this is not an easy pill to swallow talking about all of this, but to give God glory, I truly feel as if it must be done. So I was born in the early 80s. Not that I really want y'all to know my age, but it is what it is to a very phenomenal mom and dad. Like I honestly couldn't ask for greater parents than I was given. They were very hardworking, very loving, just amazing people whom I absolutely feel I did not deserve, especially after everything that I would end up putting them through later in life. Uh, my dad was an extremely hardworking farmer, and my mom managed a call center where she too worked her butt off every single day so that she could help contribute to our family's financial needs. However, despite how absolutely hard they both worked uh growing up, we were actually pretty poor. Uh, not a whole lot of money to be had there, but we always had all the things that we really needed, like food, clothing, shelter, you know, the necessities, stuff like that. And if you have those things, in my opinion, you have it all, especially if you have love governing your home, which I was very, very fortunate to have. Now, one thing we didn't have was central air. So during the winter, we had just a wood-burning stove that only heated a room or two downstairs. And then in the summer, we had a window air conditioner that only cooled the same amount of space when it was super hot in the house, which sucked. Um, living up on the top floor of the house was no picnic because I did grow up in an area that has the most extreme weather conditions during both the hot and cold months. So not only would it be crazy cold and hot up there, but wasps would actually fly around our rooms in the summer, hovering around like they do. And I remember being so scared of them. But other than that, I really can't think of a whole lot of complaints. Uh, my dad was certainly more strict than my mom, which was actually pretty cool because they really evened out each other's parenting styles. And although we didn't have much, let me tell you, we always had nice clothes to wear, even if we got them from an outlet store or a goodwill, a garage sale, you know, places like that. And then during the Christmas season, our parents would really go all out on me and my sister. Uh, so much so that I actually imagine we probably had more presents than I'm sure a lot of people with tons of money had. And that's something that I have never forgotten. So life was good. You know, we had our family unit and it was a very special one. Uh, my parents were just so good with managing the money we did have, and I was even privileged enough to get to go to England every year because that's where my mom is from. You see, my dad uh was in the army and had been stationed over there when he was serving and had met my beautiful mother, whom he would bring back to the States after they had married. Uh, my dad obviously knew it was very hard on my mom not being able to be close to her family. So, being the wonderful guy he was always made a point to make sure that we got over there every single year, which again is something a lot of people obviously don't get to experience. So, I really count myself highly blessed for being able to do that. Uh, my dad was just such a good guy, loved his family with everything he had, always made sure that we were taken care of in every way possible. So, yeah, I definitely had it made for sure. Growing up, I made friends pretty easy, was very boy crazy, super interested in clothes and makeup, even though I was actually a big tomboy, was just naturally gifted at sports and academics, never really had to put much effort into anything, to be quite honest with you, because things, for whatever reason, just came pretty easy for me. I excelled at most anything I did, whether it be sports, winning the spelling bee, representing my elementary school in what was called the Knowledge Masters competition, was really talented at playing the saxophone. And I also remember having my speech for the DAIRE program, which for any of you out there who don't know what that stands for, it is the drug abuse resistance education program, chosen from my elementary school to deliver to a high school full of people when I was only in the fifth grade. So that was obviously quite the accomplishment for me at that time. My grades were great. I was a very happy kid, never really got into any trouble with my teachers or not really even with my parents that I can think of, because I was just a rule follower that didn't give my parents much room to worry about how I would eventually turn out. I think when I was a kid, I actually went back and forth between wanting to be a lawyer and then wanting to be a veterinarian because I loved and still do love animals very, very much. So in my heart, I had these dreams that I someday wanted to fulfill, just like any other child does. However, the weird thing was under the surface, and it's hard to say why or what caused it, maybe I was seeing it on TV or a movie at the time, like who really knows? But when I was even younger than the age of 10, I can actually remember looking forward to trying alcohol and illegal substances, which is very, very strange because not only had I been chosen to give the dared speech, but I didn't even grow up around my parents having a drink very often that I can recall. Like we lived in a completely alcohol and drug-free home for the most part. They maybe kept a six-pack of beer in the fridge that I remember they never drank. So to this day, I've honestly never been able to understand where those thoughts came from unless they came from the enemy of my soul himself, which is honestly the only logical reason that I can think of. And God only knows that would not be the only sinister seed that he would quickly plant in my life at such an early age, as then he was sinking his claws into me gradually and methodically. The first time I tried anything, I can't exactly recall when or what that was. I'm not sure if it was alcohol or if it was tobacco, but if I'd have to guess, I think I may have tried beer for the first time, or it could have been wine. Again, I really have no clue at this point. But I do remember when I tasted Budweiser, which was at a really, really young age, mind you. I absolutely loved it. Um, then I remember being in England at one point and drinking red wine, which to me was just delicious. And then also in England is where I tried my first cigarette. You see, when we would go over there, um, everyone smoked. My grandpa, my grandma, my two aunts, my uncle, my mom, like everyone seemed to smoke, and they would literally just light one right after the other, it seemed. And I was really, really intrigued by that. And I wanted to try it really, really bad. So when no one was looking, I stole a cigarette butt from the ashtray, went to the bathroom to try it. And well, the crazy thing was, I didn't cough, it didn't bother me like one bit. I liked the taste, I liked it. And of course, as everyone knows, when you like something, you obviously want to try it again. So that was not good for me at all. Because looking back, I would honestly have to say that that might have been where I had begun to steal because my mom, as I said, obviously smoked, and you know, from time to time I would just take one here and there from her pack, and she never really noticed because to her, she had no reason to count her smokes in the first place. And then I also remember again, I think I said about that six pack of beer in the fridge that my parents had for quite a while, but they never drank. Um, I would actually um take one out of the plastic thing on the top that keeps the six-pack together, and I would open one slightly, take a few drinks, and then put it back to make it look like it was still part of the six-pack and an open. Now, weirdly, I never got caught for that, but it was very, very minimal when I would do so. And my parents would not really have had a reason to believe I was drinking, even if they had caught on that one of them had been open. So, needless to say, I was clearly not on a very good start to life of being the lawyer or the veterinarian that I hoped to be someday. In fact, to the contrary, I was slowly becoming a criminal. Now, the issues with the alcohol and tobacco were at the time, if I had to describe it as an object to give you guys a bit of a perspective here, a very slow-growing, poisonous plant that could literally take off at any moment, as in it would just grow like crazy out of nowhere. And I would imagine the only reason it didn't is because I obviously did not have much access to alcohol and drugs, or else I can't honestly imagine what that would have looked like for me. And again, I was still just a young kid at the time, which makes this all the crazier. But it was almost as if I was predispositioned to live the lifestyle that drugs and alcohol would later bring. And then if that wasn't bad enough, the even darker seeds would end up being planted in my heart, and that would really make my life a living hell. And as awful as it is to talk about it, that's basically where we are going to head now because it is at the center of my trauma, and it's just the next event in my story that I can't skip over. So by the time I was in sixth grade, I was already dealing with a silent daily obsession, which was starting to form beneath the surface, and that obsession was my weight. So to say I was fat would just be absolutely ridiculous because I was not fat whatsoever. I think I weighed approximately 125 pounds, with a lot of that being muscle, but some of it was indeed some extra weight that really seemed to bother me. Um, at first I took to running on the country road that me and my family lived on, tried eating things that I thought were lower in fat, wasn't really feeling overly obsessed at this point, but I do remember when I played in band, I was the first chair of our saxophone group. So I had people that sat to the right of me and then directly behind me, all boys, mind you, so that certainly didn't help the matter. But I remember I would constantly be horrified if I thought my stomach was spilling over even the slightest bit of the waist of my jeans and didn't appear flat. And the thought that people might actually be noticing that, which they most likely weren't because I'm not that important, um, caused me a lot of concern and a ridiculous sense of insecurity. But I didn't let it rule my life. I had my moments of low self-esteem, but it wasn't taking over my every move, at least not yet. Now, to be honest with you, I'm not sure how far it even escalated before a ridiculous basketball game that I would end up going to that would really put me over the edge. But on that day, um, I can't remember who I went with, not that it obviously really matters anyhow at this point, um, or how many people were around when this incident happened, but there was one person, one boy that was most certainly there. And that was the person I had a crush on, the boy who had given me my first kiss. And there's very little I remember about any of the interactions we had with him or anyone else there, but there's one thing that was said that I will absolutely never ever forget. I remember when I got it from my seat. Um, I believe I said something to the effect of that I was going to the concession stand for something, no clue what that was, but I'm sure it was food. And the boy I had a crush on said, she should be getting diet pills. And man, that absolutely crushed me. And I think at that moment, the tip of the iceberg landed sharply on my life. The floodgates of hell were unleashed, and a quick downward spiral would swiftly come, as in my life would never, ever, ever be the same after that. I went into this absolute state of bondage that had me so trapped. I don't even know what happened to me, but let me tell you, it was evil. It really was. It was just absolute torment. I honestly can't remember how fast I went through this downward spiral between the basketball game and the all-consuming sickness that I would deal with on a daily basis, but I do know it was quick and it was very, very ruthless. Um, it started out with making myself a highly mobile breakfast in the mornings, preferably a bagel, because it would be something small that I could carry off with me and hide somewhere in my room. That way it looked like I was eating, but really what I was doing was just storing it in a drawer so that I could avoid consuming my breakfast altogether. But then it actually progressed to me keeping this tiny little notebook on my person at all times so that I could keep track of my fat and calorie intake. And I remember it got really, really out of hand. Um, so much so that I was only allowing myself 300 calories a day and one gram of fat if I could help it, anyways, because my parents would obviously cook us dinner most nights, and that was truly a dreadful thing for me because what I would have to eat at that point was throwing off my own nutritional allowance, and that really led to a heightened state of anxiety for me because I did not like to not be in control over what I was eating, and I was just terrified, and I mean terrified that the things my parents would make for dinner would make me fat. So to stay in control of my own diet, I escalated things quite a bit further. Um, I was already anorexic, but when I was desperate, I would actually have bulimic episodes as well. But that was usually only when I knew I had eaten something that was outside of my own control. Now, another thing I was doing, I think the worst thing I was doing was I actually started at some point taking laxatives, which I'd have to imagine I most likely had been stealing from the store or something, because I honestly don't believe I got them from our home. Um, I really can't remember, but if I had to guess, I was most likely stealing them. And I think after a while, I was even taking them with my abnormal, normal 300 calorie one gram of fat diet as well. It was just insane to say the least. Like I can remember rolling around on the floor of my bedroom with stomach convulsions that were so absolutely painful and completely soul crushing to me because obviously I was taking something to get rid of the food in my body, but the sad thing was there was no food in my stomach. Like there was nothing there because I always made sure to get rid of it. Now, another thing that was going on was my hair was thinning out really, really bad. I definitely remember that part because it made me terrified. I mean terrified to take baths. I remember clumps of it would either come off of my hands when I'd wash my hair, or the whole drain would just be filled with my hair when I would drain the tub. And I know that always made me panic. Uh, the whole thing was just dreadfully horrible to say the least, especially what it did to my mental health. Like I can't even begin to explain the absolute damage that was done to me mentally during that very, very awful time. I think I developed more mental health issues than I can count on two hands. It was just that bad. And I know you guys are probably wondering why nobody really intervened during this time, I guess. But let me tell you guys, I was very crafty about hiding things from my family, and they saw me every day. And I'm sure everyone knows that when you see someone all the time, changes like that sometimes don't register because it's often a slow decline. And clearly they saw I was eating, but they didn't know what I was doing in secret. And also during that time, I was an absolute loner. I think I probably spent more time in my room than anything. Uh, my parents worked a lot. My sister always had plans because she had a really, really tight friend group that she hung out with all the time. And I personally really didn't have but maybe one friend here and there, and honestly, never really even felt like I fit in with that person either. Um, going to school was very, very lonely for me. I just kind of felt like I was invisible and out of place. Um, no one really paid any attention to me. And at the time, that felt pretty normal because in my heart, I felt like such an outcast, anyhow, for what I had become. And I had so much shame and so much sadness in my heart over that. Like I can't even really begin to explain it. But luckily, um, someone did finally notice something was going on during my eighth grade year, and honestly, it really hadn't been going on for a crazy amount of time, anyhow, but maybe like a year more, I want to say. But I remember the guidance counselor at my school started to get really, really concerned about how skinny I had gotten. So she made a call to my parents, and I remember my dad probably could have handled it better than he did with me. But when I got home from school that day, he was very, very angry. Um, not at me per se, just kind of angry in general over the situation. And I remember he actually forced me to sit at the table with him and wanted to witness me eat my dinner. So I did. And to be honest with you guys, there's very little about my sickness that I can remember after that. Um, at the time, I know I had a friend who was just a great gal, came from a wonderful family, just made me feel super loved and super welcome. So, with the help of the guidance counselors stepping in and then spending time with this friend of mine, I actually gradually started eating again, which was great, of course, but the mental trauma was unfortunately there to stay. Like it had absolutely no plans of vacating my life anytime soon. Now, the only thing that really comes to mind when I reflect on that season of my life is I picture like a bad storm, a tsunami, maybe, or a tornado, perhaps. You know, it just kind of comes, it's no respecter of persons, it can steal you, it can kill you, and it can utterly destroy you. Now, when it's happening, obviously it's terrifying, but then when it's finally gone, there is this eerie calm afterwards. But unfortunately, the damage still remains, and sometimes that damage is, on a worldly level, hopelessly irreparable. And that was absolutely the state that it left me in. I was just this highly broken girl that had more emotional and mental wounds than I even knew what to do with. And that was very, very dangerous for me because if you can remember, I had a very poisonous, slow-growing plant, which had just been laying dormant for a while at that point. And that was, of course, my desire for drinking and doing drugs. That's not to say that I hadn't consumed, you know, any alcohol in the time when my eating disorder was really bad, but it was just a couple isolated incidents, if I can remember, nothing too crazy at all. But I was actually at that point getting ready to go into high school. Um, I had gained some of my weight back, was getting noticed by a lot of guys, was getting more freedom in my social life, and was starting to hang out with people who like to party. And that's really where the next 10 years of my life started at this point. And to be honest with you, it's nothing but a huge blur thereafter. Because you see, I didn't enter the drinking world like a normal person does. In fact, I could guzzle them down like a grown man. And sadly, I had also started to use drugs at the very first chance that I had gotten. Uh, by the time I was 15 years old, I was smoking marijuana all the time. I had already tried methamphetamine, uh, drank a lot, and I mean a lot of alcohol, um, was blacking out on a very, very frequent basis. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have turned anything down had I been given the chance to try it. Uh, school meant nothing to me. I actually had got it in my head pretty quickly after I had given my life over to evil that I was going to quit as soon as I could so that I could dedicate more of my time to drinking and doing drugs instead. I was very mature for my age, probably because of what I'd been through up to that point. So I always went for guys that were a little older, and they had to be bad boys, or else I just simply wasn't interested. And that was obviously pretty toxic for me as well. Um, I remember one day I skipped school, which was very common for me to do, and I had someone buy me a case of Keystone Light bottles, and I started drinking those suckers at At around 10 in the morning and carried on constantly throughout the afternoon without any breaks between. Um, by the end of the day, I had drunk all of them. At the age of 15, I had drank a full case of beer, and there's like four memories I have of that day. First, getting the alcohol in the morning, next, uh, stripping off my clothes in front of other people, mind you. Um, filling up a Jaegermeister glass that held, I believe it was five beers, and I chugged it all the way down to the bottom within like one or two minutes. And then last thing I remember was waking up on a hardwood floor at someone's house that I had never even been to before, like not even knowing that at that point my parents were out frantically like looking for me, and you know, honestly, not even caring whatsoever when I'd found that out. Um, selfishly, I may have been scared of getting in trouble with them, but honestly, like I did with everyone else, I wasn't bothered one bit that I had wronged them, that I had worried them. And the sad thing is that this kind of day, this kind of night, this kind of behavior that I exhibited would actually happen over and over and over again. I would do the most reckless things imaginable, like run away from home for no reason, except that I wanted to, or I would even put myself in these episodes of physical danger. Um, for example, one night, the day before my 15th birthday, if I remember correctly, um, it was the day before my 15th birthday, but I was just drunk, out of my mind, completely out of control as usual. And my friends were, you know, very kindly trying to make me go upstairs to lie down because I was just so drunk at this party and they were just trying to take care of me. But as soon as they took me to bed upstairs and shut the door behind them in this pretty big house, mind you, um, I without hesitation just opened the window, turned my body around, and jumped right out of it, landed straight flat on my back. And if the alcohol, you know, wouldn't have loosened up my body when I made that fall, I would imagine I could have been hurt pretty badly. But fortunately, I wasn't, which is kind of crazy. Um, now that I think about it, but I just got up, ran off, you know, just crazy, crazy, stupid stuff that I sometimes can't even believe that I survived. But, anyways, I think you guys get the point. I was a walking disaster, just completely out of control. And sadly, it had become a pretty regular existence for me. So much so that when I did turn 16, I immediately dropped out of school, like I had sadly dreamed of doing for quite some time at that point. I left my parents' home the first chance that I got so that I could live life on my own terms without anyone telling me what to do. Before I go any further, I think it's really, really important to lay a foundation here or some groundwork, I guess, on what my character was like when I left home. Because looking back, I can tell you right now that I was an extremely complicated person, and that is saying it very, very mildly. Uh, first off, I was very irresponsible. I actually did have a job at the time working for that telemarketing business that my mom was the boss of at the time. But to be perfectly honest, and I'm sure this is no shocker to anyone out there, but I really wasn't interested in working at all. So obviously, it did not take me long to get fired from that job, uh, sadly by my own mom. But let me tell you, I deserved it. And I honestly don't even remember having any hard feelings towards her when it happened. Instead, I remember being very, very relieved because I no longer had to come up with excuses anymore for why I wasn't going to be in or why I know called no showed. So sadly for me, getting fired was a weight off my shoulders, but sadly a burden on everyone I lived with at that time because I just ended up mooching off everybody who had money, and that was pretty much everyone in my household but me. And so, you know, I did move in with a couple people that I was friends with, but they were actually pretty responsible because they maintained jobs and paid the bills, and I most certainly didn't. So here I was just a burden, in my own opinion, almost like a log in the road, if I had to describe it as an object here. But honestly, I was a burden that they happened to love. You see, I can sit here and tell you all the horrible things about myself, about how horrible I used to be, but I often forget that I had some pretty good qualities as well. I was kind, I was funny, I was fun to be around, I didn't like to deliberately start conflicts with other people. I just had a lot of good qualities that sometimes made me pretty lovable. And then to an extent, I was also quite generous at times. Like, for example, if I had $5 to my name and was out with my family eating, I would not hesitate to put the only $5 I had on the table for the waitress because I did not like to not contribute. And I didn't give this money with any kind of grievance or anger or you know, anything like that. I sincerely liked to give that money to someone else, even if I was almost out of cigarettes. And let me tell you, I loved to smoke back then. I always had a smoke in my mouth. It was extremely important to me to have them, but I would pay that $5 and not think twice about it later, which is crazy because obviously I had all these other horrible qualities that completely countered that approach. It's almost as if I had like two different personalities. Because on one end, you had this somewhat decent human being that I just went over with you. But then on the other end, you had this person who was just a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Like I was just such a mess at that point. I was very weak-minded, very, very insecure, reckless, promiscuous, hard-hearted, very sneaky. I was a thief, you know, just taking things from my family and stores alike without any remorse whatsoever. I was just so many bad things. Like I truly was the kid that no parents wanted their kids to be around. I was that person. And then to top it off, I was unfortunately exhibiting some pretty serious sociopathic traits as well. For example, I was the biggest liar I've ever known. Uh, so much so that I actually believed the lies I told, and I wasn't someone who had to scramble to keep my lies straight because they were quite real to me. I could look someone straight in the eye and lie effortlessly, which is just disgusting because lying to me now is just so grotesque. I remember my dad would often tell me with absolute disgust on his face that I was one heck of a liar. And that used to piss me off so bad because I always thought I was smarter than everyone else in the room. And when he didn't believe me, I would feel so wronged by him. I mean, isn't that crazy? I would lie, not be believed, and then would feel immense anger over that. It was just sick and ridiculous. Some other not so great traits that I had back then to note is that I had no remorse when I wronged another person. And to be honest, I did that quite often. Uh, usually as a result of being intoxicated. Um, I was extremely manipulative, always working behind the scenes to make sure things would go my way, uh, diabolically impulsive, not thinking anything through before acting, completely unable to follow the rules as everyone else. Always thought I was entitled to everything without putting any work forward, and even uncomfortable with meaningful relationships, even to the point where I would feel uneasy or spooked if someone told me they were proud of me. Like I remember when I earned my GED, which I did actually obtain that pretty quick with surprisingly good scores, mind you. My dad was so proud of me. And to this day, I remember exactly where we were standing in the house that my parents lived in at the time. But he was just so happy, was so proud of me for what I had accomplished, you know, just not holding back his pride in me whatsoever. But the crazy thing was, and I think it's why I remember this event so much, is that I was not happy that he was proud of me. I was actually uncomfortable by it. And I think that was one of those days of my life where I started to ask myself, like, what is really wrong with you? Like, what kind of kid is bugged out by their parent telling them that they're proud of them? It was just so odd, you know. I couldn't understand it at all. I couldn't understand why I felt that way. But then again, there was little else about me that I could understand. I was something I've never seen anything quite like, to be honest. And with my character being the way it was, there is no surprise as to how my life would end up going over the next few years. Now, for the sake of time, I'm going to do what I can to condense it all because there's so much there. But you'll hear more about my story as I do relate to other topics and cases in the future. So if I leave stuff out, which I'm unfortunately going to have to do, uh, because again, there's just so much to um go over. I'm not gonna count that as too big of a deal because it's just new stuff that I can obviously share with you later in the future. So, moving on, like I said earlier, when I had moved out of my parents' home at the age of 16, the freedom that I would get from that would turn out to be my worst enemy. I drank all the time and I mean all the time. And then to top it off, I was also starting to experiment more with new kinds of drugs. Now, the alcohol, which was by far the worst thing I was doing during that season of my life, began to take over my life in a very, very big way. Because I was not only drinking every day and blacking out every single night, but I remember I would walk down to the grocery store in town, and when I would go to pay, usually with change, because that's all I ever had, sadly. Um, I started to notice that my hands would shake as I counted out the coins to give to the cashier. And I even remember a couple people would notice that and it would make me very, very insecure. Like I couldn't figure out why I shook every single day. It made no sense to me whatsoever. Now, one thing I did start to notice was that as soon as I would have a drink, the shakes would miraculously go away. So I began to seek out alcohol earlier in the day, would always find it, and that would just be my existence on a daily basis. Drinking, blacking out, doing something stupid, drinking, blacking out, doing something stupid. It was horrible. I mean, my goodness, I didn't even realize that the reason I was shaking was because I was already an alcoholic. But hey, why would I? I was just a kid. Kids shouldn't be alcoholics. Obviously, it's unheard of, but unfortunately, it was sadly very, very real in my life. I'm not exactly certain when I had my first run-in with the law, but I'm thinking it was about 16 years old. Actually, I want to say I'm pretty certain of that. I started getting MIPs like trick-or-treaters get candy on Halloween. I can remember one day that my dad had actually found out about one MIP that I had gotten just a few days prior. And he showed up to where me and my boyfriend at the time were living, and he was just pissed about it, especially because I already had like one or two of these things under my belt at that point. So when he started ripping into me about the whole thing, I got super annoyed and then proceeded to drop another bombshell. I had gotten another one just the night prior. So two of them in one week is what I was working with. And after I said that to him, I remembered distinctly he didn't say a word, his face turned about as red as you can possibly imagine. That's how angry he was, and he just left completely disappointed in me, and I could have cared less. My life was not that important to me. So I guess in my mind, I really didn't understand why it was important to anyone else. I was obviously just a lost soul and it was very, very sad. But the next chapter of my life would actually be even worse. So at the age of 17 or 18, I want to say I was 18, I moved into my very first owned apartment, which of course I wasn't paying for. It was totally my parents doing that in a neighboring town from where I had been living and actually got myself a job, a job that would not last long. I'm not even gonna begin to pretend like it would, but I actually would get myself a job working as a dishwasher at a local diner. Um, at that point as well, I had gotten some new friends who also like to drink, not to the extent of what I had been used to the last three or more years of my life, but it did seem like a better situation than I had been in prior. Now, at first, I did decent, I guess. I walked to work every day, I didn't miss any time that I can remember. Um, as a matter of fact, I was actually pretty darn shocked at how good my work ethic was for being as irresponsible as I had always been. But good work ethic is just something I naturally inherited from my parents, luckily. Now, to the contrary, one thing I didn't get from my parents was the inability to keep a job. Like I can't remember if I was fired or if I just quit the diner, but I know I really pissed off the owner of that place. Lost the job about two weeks after I had gotten it, and didn't have any intention of getting a new one. Now, furthermore, my drinking went absolutely berserk again. I was blacking out every single night, doing the stupidest things imaginable. And to be honest, I was just getting really, really tired of that. I didn't want to be sober. I'm not saying that at all. I just was tired, you know, of blacking out and doing these shameful, regretful things. It was just agony for me. It really was because I just couldn't stop. I could not control my behavior when I would get drunk, and it was just not a good situation for me to be in at all, obviously. So it wasn't long before the methamphetamine came into my life. And when I was introduced to a bigger quantity than what I had been introduced to before, like I think I may have only tried meth two to three times before that, maybe a couple times more. I'm not really sure. But when I was introduced to a bigger quantity, I was all in. And when I say all in, I mean I jumped straight to the needle, literally. Now, not only did it give me this high that I had never ever experienced before, but it dropped my weight very, very fast. And it helped me to not drink because I was all about the math and I didn't like to drink when I was on it. So I guessed, you know, it was somewhat of a goodbye momentarily to all the blackouts that I had loathed for so long. And again, it did make me like super skinny. So obviously, I was loving that aspect as well. Uh, I could eat whatever I wanted and knew that if I kept doing the math, I wouldn't have to worry about gaining any weight from it. So, yeah, unfortunately, I was still dealing with an underlying weight obsession as well. Now, for those of you who have never done drugs, bless you, by the way. I'm so grateful for that. Uh, drugs can sometimes come into your life for a short season and then leave because they either run out or the person you were getting them from is no longer part of your life anymore, or they sometimes just themselves can no longer get the product. But when I couldn't get the meth anymore, I obviously went right back to drinking immediately, which again I think I hated more than anything because of the shakes and the blackouts that came with it. But I, for the life of me, could not stay sober if my life depended on it. So I took what I could get. Um, I got kicked out of my apartment by my dad, I think actually pretty quickly after I'd moved in. I don't think it was my landlord because I believe I was current on rent and I hadn't caused any problems with the place that I can remember. And um after that, I ended up moving in with a couple of friends of mine and just continued to drink and drink and drink and drink, so much so that it wouldn't take long before I was arrested on my sixth minor possession of alcohol, or maybe it was my fifth. Yeah, it was my fifth at that point and went to jail for the first time. I think I was 18, if I remember correctly, when this happened, and then I began court proceedings uh through all that. Now, sadly, as I was going through these proceedings, I could get meth all the time. And oh my gosh, would this be the most dangerous thing for me? I began doing so much meth that I can't even begin to explain it. I wasn't using the needle or anything at this point, but I had taken to eating it, and that intensified my drug addiction even more. So I would be so high that all I could do was sweat and be paranoid and be so malnourished from no food and water, so sleep deprived from being up for days and days on end that my vision would literally go black. Like I remember episodes where this would happen and it would scare the living crap out of me. I would see nothing but darkness, and then my vision would gradually start to return. Now, unfortunately, that didn't stop me. You'd think it would, but sadly it didn't. So at the end of that year, I was sentenced on the MIP charge. Now I can't remember if I got a fine or what else I may have gotten on top of my jail sentence, but I was ordered to serve seven days in county jail, which I was told I could self-surrender to on a given date, which I did. Now I remember it was my mom who dropped me off that night, and it's something that I will never forget. Before she dropped me off at the jail, she took me to a diner to get some coffee, you know, eat a good meal, smoke some cigarettes, you know, all that good stuff before I would have to start serving my sentence. And I remember we sat there and my mom was just crying because she was so worried. She was so very, very sad that I would have to be in jail. But me personally, um, I had no concerns whatsoever. In fact, I remember telling her, like, mom, it's gonna be okay. It's only for seven days, it's not that big of a deal. And she was like, I know, but I just hate the thought of you being in there. I just don't want you in jail, you know, all the stuff that a mom would feel. But I truly just wasn't concerned about being locked up for a few days. If anything, I was most likely angry that I wouldn't have any drugs to do, to be quite honest. Now, the jail at the time, so you guys know, was very, very lenient. Um, I was even able to bring my PlayStation one in there with several games, mind you, including Gran Turismo and Midnight Club, which I was obsessed with playing at the time. And we even had our meals prepared to buy a local diner that was down the street from the police station. And the food was just bomb. We got breakfast, we got lunch, we got dinner from this place, and it was always like these home cooked goddess type meals, like the grub was just great, you know. And heck, come to think of it, I believe I was even able to wear my own clothes in there. So I definitely obviously had it made. Not that I was feeling that way after just one night. In fact, maybe one or two days into my very short jail sentence, I began calling my parents crying that I didn't want to be in jail anymore, just wanted to come home, you know, all that pitiful, sappy crap. But the funny thing was is that the roles had actually been reversed at that point. I remember my mom saying something like, Oh, darling, it's not that big of a deal. You'll be fine. It's only for a few days. And I can recall thinking, like, what? Like, why is why is she all of a sudden okay with the situation? Like, what is really going on here? I'm crying. She's not, you know. But to be quite honest with you folks, I don't think my mom understood that night that she had been so sad to drop me off, how much peace, how much quietude, how much solace that she would actually feel with me being in jail for at least one week. My parents could actually sleep without worrying I was going to die, without worrying that something terrible was going to happen to me. And sadly, as the years went on, jail would be their only comfort. So after I'd served my seven days, to say jail became a revolving door for me is an absolute understatement. As in, I feel as soon as I went once, I couldn't stay out of it if my life depended on it. I quickly dove right back into the drug world within moments of my release. Big shocker, right? And I wasn't just using it like every now and then, I was doing it every single day because unfortunately it was readily available to me all the time and sadly would be for a few months. Now, what I didn't know at that point, however, was that the police were not fools whatsoever as to what was going on, and it wouldn't take long at all before they zeroed in and my sorry self would end up back in jail quicker than I became addicted to this crap. So I can't remember when this all went down, but one night I was just kind of hanging out, started hearing that police activity was running a little heavy that evening. So I decided to try and stay low-key, I guess. But let me tell you guys, when the police are coming, staying low-key is simply not going to happen. Like if they're coming, they're going to get you. And that's exactly what they did within just a short time. The police swooped in, guns ablazing. I was handcuffed and arrested on multiple charges, including possession of a very large amount of marijuana, which for the record was actually just ditchweed and completely worthless. And I believe possession of methamphetamine, because I know they found just a very small bit of residue on a plate, but it was certainly enough to warrant an arrest, I guess, even though it wasn't found on my person. But I was taken to jail, given bond by the courts that I could not afford, and I think ended up staying in jail for about two weeks after that. Now, during these two weeks, my very sick and twisted self uh called my parents every single day, multiple times a day, just completely psychologically impaired out of my mind by my own craziness, like begging for them to just bail me out of jail, you know, get me out of there, to which they would not. Um, I remember when I would call, for those of you who have not been to jail, you actually have to say your name after a prompt before it will place a call. So on the other end, it you would hear something like, You have a collect call from so-and-so at the whatever correctional facility to accept this call, press, you know, whatever. And then it would prompt me to say my name. Um, and when I did, I would either be crying and you know, it would say something like, You have a collect call from like, Oh, please pick up, like, I'm so sorry, very pathetically. To which they would answer. I would do everything I could to convince them to bail me out. And then when they wouldn't, I would go ballistic and they would end up hanging up on me, which is very understandable. Uh, to which I would call back and they would hear, you have a collect call from, and my whole tone had changed at that time. I'd be like, Get me the F out of here. How can you do this to your daughter? What's wrong with you? You know, it was detestable. I mean, I can't even imagine what that had to have been like for them, especially because I was acting like it was their fault that I was in that predicament. Of course it wasn't, it was my fault alone, but that's just the way I rolled back then in those days. Everything was absolutely everyone else's fault. Now, after two weeks, I did get released. I can't remember if it was on bond or if I was released on my own recognition with some kind of condition that I had to go back to my parents' house because I do remember that I had to go back there for like two weeks. So I did. I moved back in there and then moved into an even worse environment when I left my parents' homes with no water or electricity or any of that kind of stuff. And during this time, I continued to do any drug that I could get my hands on and got blackout drunk when I couldn't get the drugs. It was just a very, very ugly situation. Now, when it was time to face the music on my charges, I of course did. Uh my charges had been dropped down to attempted possession of methamphetamine, which was just a misdemeanor. And I was sentenced to, I think, two years of probation, of which I would not stand. I started doing meth worse than I ever had. I was shooting up more, I was eating larger quantities of the stuff, you know, just crap like that. And it truly did something sinister to my mind. Now, for whatever reason, and to this day, nobody could absolutely tell me any differently. But I started to actually see things that weren't there. Like even in broad daylight, uh, mainly like soldiers dressed in camouflage, like an army of feds or SWAT team members, you know, something like that that I felt were closing in on me. Like I would see them so clearly, um, so distinctively, that they would stand about five feet from me, like staring at me with rifles up and ready to go. It was that real to me, so real that even today, as a completely different person, no one can ever tell me that I didn't see something, whether it was physical or spiritual. You know, I'm not really sure because I saw what I saw and it terrified me. And you'd think that after having an experience like that, that I would change, but big shocker here. Of course, I didn't. I just continued to get worse and worse and worse. And by this time, I had sadly uh decided to move back with my parents, which was very unfortunate for them. That's why I said sadly there, because I was obviously a disaster at that time in my life. I was worse than I had ever been. Like I would go missing for a couple days or more, come home with my eyes completely bugged out of my head, just higher than a kite, and stay up all night staring outside the windows and the doors, seeing all these men in black surround the house. Like it was insane. And let me tell you, my parents were terrified of me. In fact, they actually used to hide all the knives in the house and anything else that they thought could be a weapon against them because they literally thought that I might kill them. And as horrible as that is to think of now, I completely get it. Though I never ever would have hurt my parents, I truly walked this earth with the eyes of a demon just completely strung out on meth. I mean, one night my mom had actually came down and I was just standing in the dark, high out of my mind, and she was so scared of me that her eyes immediately went straight to my hands to make sure I wasn't holding anything that could hurt her. That is how scary of a person I actually was. That is how evil methamphetamine is. My mind was just truly gone. But it wouldn't take long before my life actually began to get worse because I had already failed all of my drug tests on my probation and it was getting ready to be revoked and was in serious jeopardy at that point. However, I was actually leaving someone's house, had an open container in the console, the car with meth in my purse, unfortunately. Uh, got pulled over and I was arrested for my sixth minor possession of alcohol and a felony possession of meth charge. Have no idea how long I stayed in jail before I was bonded out, but when I did, I obviously knew that I had to at least try to clean up my life even a little bit because I was now obviously facing a pretty serious charge. So I actually did, I cleaned up my life for a little while and just stayed sober. So it was actually a pretty different experience for me at that point. Now, when it came time to be sentenced for the possession charge, I ended up getting sentenced to four months at a minimum security prison, like three months of house arrest or something like that, with four years of intensive supervised probation to follow. Also, if I failed the period of probation, it would then be revoked and I would go back and be resentenced on the original charge of possession of methamphetamine. So I went ahead, served my four months at the minimum security prison that I was sent to, which was unfortunately a co-ed facility. So I didn't learn a darn thing while I was there. In fact, um I kind of had fun. I know most people should not be having fun in jail, but I did because there were some really funny people in there, to be quite honest with you. And I always was just the kind of person who liked to laugh, you know, have a good time. So I didn't take the experience seriously whatsoever, but was honestly um always labeled as an ideal prisoner. Like I just followed the rules, didn't give corrections officers like any reason to not like me. So getting out of there on time was actually a piece of cake. So after I left the prison, like after I'd served all my time there, I did get released. And you know, you'd think that I would have probably wanted to maybe start taking my life at least somewhat seriously at that point. I mean, I was obviously on house arrest, I was a felon, and I was on intensive supervised probation. But surprise, surprise, I didn't. In fact, it ended up being the worst season of my life to date at that point. I jumped right back into the drug world harder than ever within probably three or so months after I'd gotten out. Now, at that time, uh, crystal meth or ice as it was called then, maybe it's still called that today. I honestly have no clue to be honest with you, and I honestly don't care. Um, even more so because I hate the crap so much. But the crystal meth had unfortunately surfaced in the area where I was living. And sadly, it was the purest, most potent methamphetamine I had ever seen, and the most potent methamphetamine that I had personally ever tried. And let me tell you, my addiction for this stuff was completely through the roof. When I say this drug got me, that is an absolute understatement. I was so strung out on this stuff. I was literally doing it every single day. I would stay up for days and days and days on end, living a very, very diabolical reality. I remember I was writing so many bad checks to get it. I spent everything that I earned at work on it. Like it was just crazy. It had me so bad, like it ruined everything for me. I honestly was just the worst drug addict I'd ever known, worst I'd ever seen. Like I would take absolutely anything that I was given without even asking what it was for. Like, for example, like if you handed me a pill or something else and told me to take it, I would just take it without hesitation and then maybe, maybe ask later what I took. That's how bad off that I had gotten. That's how little I cared about my life. I think at that point, I honestly weighed around 100 pounds. I was taking downers and uppers at the same time, like for the life of me. I have no idea how my heart didn't stop or literally like explode because not only was I malnourished, but the amount of drugs that I was taking could have honestly killed a grown man. So I have no idea how I'm still here today. It's truly a miracle of God alone and can't be explained away by anything else. So, because of my intense drug addiction, I clearly, after a while, was not able to function like a normal person. Not that I ever had been able to to begin with, but my probation officer had tested me on a few occasions and big shocker, I had tested positive for drugs like almost every time. I think at first, because he was such a nice guy, he really did want me to succeed. So he didn't immediately start the revocation process right away. But after a while, I know he got really, really tired of me. I remember he was everywhere I'd go, at least that's what my paranoia would tell me, anyways. But one time, like literally, I looked in the rearview mirror of my car and he was actually following me through an alley, like he was hot on my tail and trying to catch me doing something in the moment, which he honestly was never really successful with doing. Like one time he even brought cops to my house to conduct a search. They found absolutely nothing, which was truly a miracle, to be honest with you. But I, for some reason, would always just look out on these instances. Now, eventually, I was fired for my job at the truck stop without even remembering that I had gone in that day. Such an embarrassing event that was for the record. Um, I was still perched up at the window every night, thinking that SWAT team members or even probation officers at that point were swarming the outside of the home. Um, I was going missing for days on end without even remembering what I'd been doing or even where I had been. I had been um also on a high-speed chase with cops in two states as the passenger of the vehicle. Uh, ended up jumping out of it, going about 35 to 40 miles per hour, if I'd have to guess, landed right on my head, mind you. Uh, was failing all of my drug tests, like there was a lot going on. I remember one day when I actually did fall asleep. I had this really, really crazy dream that I was standing at the top of my stairs, and this little box started tumbling down the stairs. And as it continued to descend, it just got bigger and bigger until it finally hit the floor. Now, when it did, it was a coffin. It had ended up in the shape of a coffin, and I could actually see my own body in it, the exact age that I was at that time in my life, dead as a doorknob. Like my gosh, was my life in big trouble. I could have been dead at any moment, obviously, because of all the very abusive things that I was doing to my body. Now, my probation officer uh did finally initiate those revocation proceedings against me. So, once again, I was in big trouble with the law. Um, I ended up trying a 30 to 45-day rehab for treatment regarding my addictions, uh, was diagnosed with all kinds of mental health disorders while I was there. Uh, got kicked out on like the 51st day. So, six days beyond what is normal for everyone else for being what was called the most manipulative person they had ever seen come through there. Now, I'd also retained an attorney who aided and abetted my behavior. And then I actually tried to take my own life by swallowing around 50 pills, uh, to which an ambulance was called, my stomach was pumped, and my freedom was then at that point extinct. After being held at a mental health facility for about a week, I was actually transferred back to my county and was then resentenced on the possession of meth charge to 18 to 36 months in state prison. For the record, and this is absolutely not the way it is supposed to be for most people, just so you guys know that ahead of time. But I actually had a pretty good time while I was in prison. Once again, sadly enough. Uh, made friends with plenty of people that absolutely were not good for me, probably laughed more than I ever had in my life, to be honest with everyone, which, as you can guess, ended up in me not learning a darn thing from the whole experience. In fact, I ended up just meeting more higher-level criminals than I was that I could hang out with when I completed my sentence, which, for the record, I didn't parole out. I actually jammed my time, so I had to do half of my top number. Again, my sentence was 18 to 36 months in prison. So I served 18 in total without having to be on parole. So once again, jam my time. And once I got out, started hanging out with those people who were not good for my life whatsoever. I think for maybe a month I did okay. Like I had a job where I was doing pretty well. In fact, I had actually been working there since being in prison because at some point, because of good behavior, I had actually been transferred to a community prison where I could go out into the community and have a job. Now it was kind of like a place where, you know, they get you ready to re-enter the real world, where you can go on furloughs to be with your family, you know, stuff like that. And also a place for, you know, just nonviolent offenders who were at low security risk. And it was also co-ed, so not good for me at all because I honestly just made friends with men easier than I made friends with women. And one of the guys that I met there quickly got me back into the drug world within about a month of my release. And man, did I fall face first into that whole mess? Like, as bad as the last chapters of my life had gone up to that point, as I've already obviously discussed with you today, this would end up being the worst yet. Now, how that's possible, I don't know. Don't ask me. I have no clue how that could have happened, but that's just what it was. But within about one or two months of plunging myself back into the drug world, I was using meth very, very badly. Uh, intravenously again. I was associating with some pretty intimidating people to say the least. So I was pretty traumatized by that. So much so that I actually up-ended my life where I had moved to when I got out of prison and moved to a different city, uh, one where there was actually more drugs than the last. And I just continued to deteriorate. Like no matter what I did, uh, no matter where I went to, you know, try to start a new life, I would always end up meeting the one person in the room wherever I went that I absolutely should have stayed away from. And vice versa for them, while I'm making this point, because I was certainly no prize either. I was just as bad for the next person as they were for me. Um, it's just the way it was. Now, when I reflect on that time in my life, it truly is a blur. Uh, I know I did my best to maintain a job working as a head hostess at a nice restaurant, but the drugs were just too powerful. So got fired from there after nine months, which was actually a record for me to have kept a job for that long, for literally laying on the floor to take a nap when I had several customers in front of me requesting a table. Like I had been up for so long, so many days, that my body just decided in that moment to shut down. And let me tell you folks, losing that job was the worst thing that could happen to me at that point because it was the only thing that was holding me to at least some level of responsibility. Now, my parents blessed their hearts. Uh, they were trying everything to help me in any way they could, but in the process, kind of ended up, you know, unknowingly enabling me because they were practically taking care of a grown infant. And I think that they knew that very well. So my dad took on all my finances just like he'd always done, and I didn't ever have to worry about anything. Like to that point of my life, at the age of 23 to 24 years old, I had never in my life paid one bill, like I had never even experienced that before. That's how big of an infant I really actually was. But after losing that job, my life just continued to plummet, and I got deeper and deeper into the torments of my mind. Now, at some point, very weirdly, I actually began to feel like this intense calling on my life. Like I absolutely knew, I absolutely felt to my heart that my life was important and that I had an overwhelming purpose on this earth. But sadly, that feeling of purpose was absolutely perverted by my own insanity because at some point I became convinced in my heart that God had created me only to be an example to other people of what not to do and of what not to become. I honestly felt that stronger than I can begin to say. And there's really not a whole lot I can elaborate on as to why this came about. But with that deep sense of purpose, I truly embraced it with everything I had in me. And I gave my life over to evil in such a way that I honestly thought by my own sick, twisted, warped mind, that I was doing the will of God, that God had created me to help other people, but only in the way that my life would be devoured so that other people may live. I truly, truly believed that, especially because I knew what a screw up I was. I knew what a failure that I had obviously always been. I knew how ironic my life had been up to that point. So, you know, I guess that was just the sense that I made of it by my own logic, which for the record, my logic was just an insult to the senses. I was just so, so messed up. I was shooting up constantly, always had bruises and track marks like all over my arms, which was just so earth-shattering for me. I would do any drug that you would put in front of me without hesitation. Uh, was stealing from stores on a much larger scale at that point, had an issue with watching pornography and was staying awake for weeks and weeks on end and oh. Something else that was truly ruling my life was my obsession for beauty. Like I would literally change my clothes and my hair up to three or more times a day, would get all tweaked out and would literally spend hours doing my hair in these crazy beautiful styles. But it was so obsessive that I actually have spots on my scalp to this very day where hair will not grow back because I would pull on it so much that I actually damaged my scalp. It was just such a horrible preoccupation to always feel like I needed to look like a Barbie doll. It was just so crazy. Like everything I was doing was just so completely evil. So evil, in fact, that after a time I actually did start to feel the presence of it around me. Like I didn't know at the time what it was, but I do know now that I could literally feel demons all over me. Like I was absolutely possessed and in need of a savior that I had no idea existed. But let me tell you guys, my savior knew all about me. He always had. In fact, he had died on a cross over 2,000 years before I was born to save me from everything that I had ever done. But I didn't know that. I didn't know who this savior was. I didn't know about this amazing love that he had for me. So my life just kept descending deeper and deeper into darkness. But let me tell you, my friends, all of that was about to change. I had just turned 25 years old, was again, as usual, in a really, really bad spot in my life on so many different levels. Still badly drug addicted, uh, blacking out drunk when I didn't have anything to get me high, uh, completely deranged from every lie that I'd ever told and was still telling at the time, uh, mentally ill on so many different levels, just incredibly obsessed with my physical appearance, you know, all that crap. But then that year, I remember it so well because my twisted, warped mind actually believed this to be true at the time. But for the record, I was simply just a whack job whose world was about to come down hard on them because of all the bad decisions that I had made. But I had broken a mirror at my apartment and being unfortunately as superstitious as I always had been, got really, really freaked out by that. And for those of you who have struggled with superstitious behaviors in the past, I would imagine you know where I'm coming from here. But after I broke the mirror, like probably within a week, I want to say, I was caught shoplifting, which I had always gotten away with before for years and years at that point, mind you. Uh, got arrested for doing something I didn't do in the middle of doing something worse. So ended up picking up another felony, methamphetamine charge for that. Uh, was charged with driving on a suspended license, I think, or maybe it was something similar and possibly a couple other misdemeanors. Like I honestly can't remember for certain because it was so long ago. But I do know I ended up getting probation for I think the shoplifting violation and had to take drug tests when I saw my probation officer. Failed every test for that. Big shocker, you know. But my officer was actually a really, really nice lady. I know she did want to work with me, she did want to give me a chance there, but none of that actually mattered anymore because something bigger, something huge was about to take precedence over every single charge that I had ever faced and was facing at that time. Now I'm unsure as to the date when all of this went down, not that it really obviously matters, but I actually had a warrant out for my arrest for failing to show up for court on my new felony drug charge. So I had been on the run for about a few days to a week on that. I can't exactly remember, but I do know that there was a warrant and I was pretty darn concerned about it. So after hiding out for that short time, I did get a hold of my lawyer, I believe, and they set a new court date for me, which was very, very quick after I had made that contact. Now, the night before I was scheduled to go to court, something in my heart had actually begun to shift at that point. Now, for my whole life, as you know, I had loved doing drugs and getting messed up in any way that I possibly could. But this night before I went to court, I had been up for a couple days at that point. I think uh was dating someone who I remember had hurt my feelings pretty bad that evening, and I was just at this breaking point. And I remember going into his room and laying on his bed, and I just started wailing and crying out to God, just begging him, like, God, please, like help me. Like, I don't want to do this anymore. Like, please help me and get me out of the situation. I'm just begging you. Like, I was broken and I was just so extremely sad. I just could not go on like that anymore. I was done. Now, when I went to court that next day, I did not expect to leave. As in, I thought I would be put in jail right there on the spot. But the weird thing was that actually didn't happen. In fact, I walked out of there, even though I had just gone up in front of one of the most intimidating judges that I'd ever been on the receiving end of, and he didn't even order me into custody. Now, to the contrary, the arrest warrant was actually lifted, and I was given a piece of paper by the court letting me know that if I were to get pulled over because their systems may not be completely in sync with each other, that I was to show the officer that form so that I would not be taken to jail. To say I was shocked when I left that courthouse that day is an understatement. Like I really, really thought that I was in the twilight zone, especially because I had this really, really off feeling going on that day. Like something just didn't feel right about the whole thing. I was happy, of course, that I didn't go to jail like who wouldn't be, but just, you know, something just felt really, really weird. When I left court, I had less than 50 cents to my name, which I know is pathetic, but in those days, you could actually buy something with that kind of cash, believe it or not. Uh, so the first thing I did before going to my apartment is I stopped for a fountain drink, uh, Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pib, to be exact. Uh, bought one down the street from my place from a gas station that was actually selling them for like 42 cents, if I remember correctly. But I got the drink from the gas station, made the one to two minute drive to my apartment, pulled into an empty slot, turned off my vehicle, and before I knew it, now I'm not sure if I heard them or saw them first, but before I knew it, DEA agents had literally surrounded my vehicle. They had their guns drawn, ready to go if I did something stupid. Obviously, commanded me to put my hands up in the air so they could see them, you know, all that jazz. So immediately my mind went to the piece of paper I had been given by the courts because I actually thought. It had something to do with the arrest warrant that had just been lifted. And I think I may have even gestured towards it. I don't exactly remember. But let me tell you, that was not what they were there for. When I got out of the vehicle, one of the agents cuffed me, I believe, and relayed the news that I was being indicted on three federal drug charges, with the most severe being conspiracy to manufacture 50 grams or more of methamphetamine, which for the record held a sentence of 10 years to life in prison. So I was obviously screwed, you know, like the gig was finally up. The sinful and diabolical existence that I had lived for the past 11 years had finally come to an end. And you'd think in that moment, as I was being arrested for these unbelievable charges to say the least, that I would have been crying, you know, or angry, you know, something, but I wasn't. It was done. It was over. God had finally intervened. He had taken control of the situation and had basically said, no more. You are Matt for something greater. Remember that feeling of purpose you had, that overwhelming feeling that you have been having for so long. Well, it's real. That prompting is real, but the purpose I have for you is not for evil. Never ever does he create anything for evil. It's only for good. It's to show the world that no matter where you come from, no matter what you've done, no matter the condition your heart is in, he can break the chains. He can rescue you from the darkness, even if you don't even realize at first that he was there the whole time. You guys, God is so infinitely good. He is so real, more real than anything you can absolutely ever imagine. Sometimes he walks right by your side and you don't even know that he's there, that he's working in your life, especially when you have done nothing but walk in darkness. But let me tell you about my God, about what he did for this deadbeat, delusional, sinful, deranged, selfish human being that did not deserve any of his grace whatsoever. He rescued me. He not only rescued me from the alcohol and the meth and the life of crime that I was obviously living, but he rescued me from so much more, for he is truly the way maker. When I was fighting for pretrial release, I honestly hit brick walls like face first every time I would go up in front of a judge because with my criminal history, they did not want to let me out. But finally, just another one of God's amazing miracles in my life. I actually went up in front of a true man of God, a compassionate and life-giving judge that actually decided to give me a chance so that I could go to rehab and prove myself before I got sentenced. And let me tell you guys, I did not disappoint him. When I was released, something had actually truly shifted in my heart and in my life. Um, astoundingly, I was completely stripped of the desire to use methamphetamine and to get blackout drunk. In fact, I think I maybe only drank, I want to say twice when I was out. And the only reason I actually did that was because I was just trying to escape the pain of facing what my lawyer assured would be a 10-year sentence based off my criminal history and the federal sentencing guidelines. Like that was what I was gonna get per him. But I honestly refused to believe that. Now, during this time, I had been living in a halfway house. And I remember every day I would drop to my knees at the end of my bed and I would just beg God to please not let me get all the time that I was facing. And though I really didn't know him yet, didn't realize that it was he who had delivered me from addiction, believed that he could perform a miracle on my behalf. Like I really, really did have the faith of a mustard seed and didn't even know his true power yet or what faith truly was. But he was listening. I didn't know how true and intimate God really was, but he was listening to me because once again, I called out and he answered me. I don't know why he did, but he did. Uh, because when I went to court for sentencing, I showed up dressed to the nines in a business suit. Like I remember it was a super sharp, fitted pinstripe jacket and matching skirt. And I honestly probably looked more like a lawyer than anything else. But I came in there feeling confident, feeling good, you know, all that stuff, but still very mentally ill and still pretty deranged from all the lies that I'd ever told before that point. But I came into that courtroom and this is what happened that day. I stood up before this godly and very kind judge and read him a very heartfelt letter that I had prepared telling him how I changed, how sorry I obviously was. Like I honestly can't remember all of it, but you could tell that the judge was really moved by my words and that he actually believed me, which for the record, he absolutely should have, because for once in my life, I was telling the truth. Now, I can't remember the exact sequence of events verbatim, but at some point, the judge actually started to question the prosecution as to why I was pleading guilty to conspiracy to manufacture 50 grams or more when the paperwork in front of him actually showed the evidence to be a lesser quantity. And he said something to the effect of like, this should not be a 10 to life case, this should be a five to 40 year case. And I think at that point we took a recess. I went back to this room with my attorney. God bless his soul, by the way. He was just so amazing. But he told me that even if they agreed to lessen the charge, that I would still get 10 years because of my background. But at that point, in my heart, I was like, no, I'm not. Like, there's no way something truly big is happening here today. And I'll be darned if as soon as we came back from recess, the charge was lessened. And that beautiful, kind man gave me just five years. Like it truly was a miracle. And I remember walking out of that courtroom because I wasn't actually taken into custody that day. I was given the ability to self-surrender at a specified date. But my lawyer was just stunned. Like I think he even said that he had never seen anything like that happen before. And I was just so happy, so excited. But the sad thing was, even then, even after what had just happened, I still didn't realize that it was God who had performed that miracle for me, even though I'd obviously begged him for it, which is sad to say the least, of course. But I really didn't understand yet just how real and how powerful he actually was. So when I went to prison, I was so blessed to say the least. I had been given the opportunity to go to a federal prison instead of a state prison, because if you can remember, I had also been facing another state felony drug charge, which I'd actually been sentenced to five years for. And those sentences had been adjudicated to run concurrently with each other, meaning at the same time. So I was very lucky to go to a federal facility over a state facility. But upon entrance into the federal system, I started hearing more about this Jesus, about this man who had died on a cross for my sins. And very quickly, I decided that that's who I wanted to walk with. That is who I wanted to follow. Now, within a week or so, if not instantaneously, God lifted the veil for my eyes. And for the first time in my life, I could discern truth from lies. Like I realized all these stories, all the stories, all the lies that I had told to other people and to myself for so stinking long at that point were just simply not true. They were absolutely fabricated. And for the life of me, I could not tell a lie anymore. Like, not at all. And my language, let me tell you, my drunken sailor language was completely stripped from my lips just as quickly as I was born into this world. And it was at this point that I realized that I had to go to prison to get out of my own prison and that God was more real than anything that I had ever, ever experienced in my life. And he just continued to change me. Like, let me tell you guys, the church at this prison was something out of the book of Acts. For those of you who have been blessed enough to feel that kind of power, I experienced things with God that most people don't ever get to experience. There was just so much power in this church. So much so the other Christians who actually would come in from the outside, so volunteers, would come in and spend time with us at our church. And, you know, when they weren't there, they just couldn't wait for the days when they could come back and fellowship with us because the power of God was just so heavy and so powerful in that place. Like I have never, ever experienced anything quite like it. Some days I would literally just stare out the window at the sky and wish with all my heart that Jesus would just come back at that very moment. Like I didn't even care if I ever got out of there. I did not care if I ever tasted freedom again because I wanted him more. And honestly, here I sit 13 years later. That's how long I've been out now, and I am back to wanting that very same thing. When I got out in 2012, God blessed me so exceedingly, so abundantly, that it is an absolute understatement to say that I did not deserve it. In a shocking twist, I actually got a job in accounting, which of course is a miracle all on its own. Like what fell in actually gets a job in finance, you know. But that actually happened to me. And it eventually led to a promotion in payroll where I was even promoted to payroll administrator at the job I was working at during that time. And to this day, still working in payroll all this time later. Now, in doing so, I've received numerous awards for my work over the past 13 years that I've spent in finance, uh, took some classes, earning several law certificates, uh, criminal justice, victim advocacy, legal investigation, and criminal law and procedure. I've been married for eight years to the most wonderful man, so hardworking, so loving, just so amazing. And my life is actually pretty normal. I love God, I love my family, I love football, I love the law, I'm a songwriter. Well, I'm actually just starting to get back into that, to be honest with you. But I have so many different gifts that God has given me to share with this world. And after all this time, I'm finally answering the call because I know that God has a big purpose for my life and I am done hiding from it. From the bad decisions I made in the past through the absolute trauma I put my mind and my body through, I received the greatest gift that I was ever given when I was rescued by God. And that gift was Christ Himself. He did not save me because I deserved it, but only because he loves me. And let me tell you, he works his power in the most lowly and pathetic individuals imaginable. Because through the power of his redemption, in a sinner like me, the world can see his glory, his power, and his ability to take absolutely any situation or any human being, and I mean any human being without any exceptions whatsoever, and give them beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for a spirit of despair. He will take the evil from you and he will take away your filthy clothing, he will wash you clean and give you garments of white, of purity and of holiness. You guys, if you would just receive him into your heart and into your life, he will take you down a path of righteousness and holiness that you never imagined could be possible. But please know that this walk does come with a cost. It's not easy. In fact, it's really, really hard at times, but the gift of his holy spirit will help you through. For God never leaves you or forsakes you. He promises you that. In fact, he will seal you with his Holy Spirit, the promise of his holy spirit, which is very real and very transformative. He will absolutely change your life. But, and this is a strong warning to everyone out there. After you have received him, let me tell you that by no means at all, after you have given your life over to him, after you have experienced his power, should you ever, ever deny him in front of any man. And I say that, friends, from all experience, because it happened to me for a very long time. After everything I'd done to my family, I, when I got out, had something to give back to them. And that was my faith. Because when they saw what he had done in my life, they too believed. In fact, I was even able to lead my dad to Christ, who I never ever thought would ever surrender when he died from cancer three years after my release. And again, I never would have been there had God not given me that miracle in court. But despite the transformative power God extended to my family, that is where it stopped because I had changed so much during the time that I was in prison that I was debilitatingly afraid and ashamed of my past. Like I didn't want anyone to know. And in doing so, I denied God so much glory, so much praise for what he had done in my life. I believe Satan over God that my mistakes were more powerful than my testimony. And I am finally here to say that that is simply not true. Now, I am a very imperfect human being. Let me just put that out there very loud and very clear. My mental issues are not altogether gone. In fact, I suffer from such debilitating anxiety that sometimes I can literally barely function. But honestly, I truly think that that is only because I have been trying to hide my past for so very long that I have gotten lost all over again. Even when I worked in my first finance job, I had this big, ugly ankle monitor on that I desperately tried to hide because I was so ashamed by it, hid behind a last name that I no longer had from a previous marriage, just didn't want anyone to know anything about what my life had been like and what I had done. But in doing so, I was actually hiding this miracle that God had performed in my life from the world. And honestly, that caused me to fall away for far too long. Now, when God does something huge in your life, shout it from the rooftops, even if the facts suck. Shout it from the rooftop, proclaim his name because anything less is an injustice to our God and to other people's souls. Because if your story, as hard as it is to tell, if your story can possibly help someone else, can help them to get to know God, then everything you went through was all worth it. If anyone out there hearing this story today is struggling with addiction or knows someone that does, I pray that my story has shown you that there is a hope that is more powerful than any feeling, drugs, or alcohol could ever give you. I want you to know that with full certainty because any enjoyment you think you may feel from it is simply a lie from the pits of hell, for nothing good will ever come from it. Instead, know this there is a God in heaven who loves you so much that he sent his son Jesus to die in agonizing death for you on a cross so that you can be forgiven for any sin that you have ever committed, for he is so powerful that even death itself could not hold him. For not only did he die on that cross at Calvary, but he defeated death and rose again, so that those who believe in him will not perish but have everlasting life. And let me tell you, if he can save a wretch like me, then he can save you too. And my prayer today is that even if just one person hears the story and gives their life to Christ through it, then to that person I say, welcome to the family of the most high God. For angels in heaven are truly throwing a party right now to celebrate your redemption. Thank you so much for joining me today and for allowing me to share my heart with you, uh, a story that I am just now telling for the first time. And what do you know? God gave me the bravery to share it with the whole world before anyone else. On the next episode of Redeeming Evil, I will be discussing the heart-wrenching murders of Ethan Chapin, Xander Cornodal, Madison Mogan, and Kaylee Gonzalvis for beautiful, kind, and extremely special people who were senselessly murdered in the year 2022, taken far too soon from this world. So I pray that you will join me next time again as we take a spiritual dive into the case of the Idaho student murders. God bless each and every one of you for spending your most valuable time with me today. And until next time, may the Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Take care, my friends. This is Jay signing off.