Cross My Heart with Hannah Beck

“My College Roommate Turned Me Gay” with Avery | Cross My Heart Episode 5

• Hannah Beck • Season 1 • Episode 5

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0:00 | 49:40

My college roommate Avery is on the pod! We talk about how she basically turned me gay, our wattpad fan fiction eras, seeing God on an edible, getting sketchy tattoos in New Orleans, hiding Aldi wine in Hydro Flasks, and why our big gay friend group is basically a commune. Plus: manifesting with Brad, decoy journals, and why you should put your phone down.

Cross My Heart is hosted by Hannah Beck. Follow @hannahbeckcomedy on TikTok and Instagram. New episodes every Monday. Comment, review, and tell your gay friends 🖤

Known for her viral "Tube top" video and "Dear Daddy God" diary series on TikTok, Hannah dives deep into the messy but beautiful reality of growing up queer in the Midwest.

Keywords: Hannah Beck, Cross My Heart podcast, Chicago comedy, gay podcast, lesbian podcast, TikTok comedian, Dear Daddy God, religious trauma, ex-evangelical, queer comedy, Midwest LGBTQ, Caleb Hearon fans, So true Podcast Brittany Broski, Broski Report with Brittany broski, comfort creator, coming out stories, Christian deconstruction, mental health, therapy podcast, chosen family, lesbian dating, stand-up comedy, viral TikTok, queer, podcast launch


0:00 How We Met

0:50 Voting

1:23 Our Radicalization Journeys

2:20 Growing Up Conservative

3:06 Fan Fiction Era

5:18 Who Turned Hannah Gay?

5:59 The Gift of Prophecy 

7:19 Manifesting & Tapping

13:59 Gay Awakenings 

20:11 What Are You Starting a Cult For?

27:04 Forgive Me, But: Friend Riders

27:57 Forgive Me, But: Put Your Phone Down

29:49 Confessional

33:14 That Time We Saw God 

38:21 Avery meeting my Parents

40:12 Matching Tattoos

48:26 What's Next for Avery

49:09 Goals & Parting Wisdom


Cross My Heart is hosted by Hannah Beck. Follow @hannahbeckcomedy on TikTok and Instagram. New episodes every Monday. Rate, review, and tell your gay friends 🖤

Avery

SPEAKER_00

I took you to church and you proceeded to have a gay experience with the worship leader. The female worship leader.

SPEAKER_01

I do think that it happens to the best of us.

SPEAKER_00

I don't even know what was going on when I met you. I'm trying to think.

SPEAKER_01

You were a psychology major?

SPEAKER_00

I was a psychology major because I thought if I learned enough about therapy that I wouldn't have to go. Did it work? I think the whole time you were like, hey girl.

SPEAKER_01

Hey. What if you studied something else? Hey girl, what if you um thought about that for a second?

SPEAKER_00

And I I dropped out of grad school. She did. For for psychology, per the advice of my friends. And I'm really grateful that I did. I don't think that was the path for me. I think that being a therapist, um, I could have done it fine, but I think I would have been very depleted emotionally. You were a political science major? Twice. Recovering.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. When people are like, you have two political science degrees, like what does that mean? It means that I get to make the sample ballot that all my friends take into the polls and they're like, oh, this is who we're voting for. That's all my political science degrees have done for me.

SPEAKER_00

And you're always voting conservatively, of course. We voted today. Today was the primary elections. Yes. My first primary election was because of you. I didn't know, I did not know about voting in primaries until I met you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Yeah. That was a fun one too. The first time Hannah and I got to vote was 2020. I don't think I was conservative at that point.

SPEAKER_00

Like I didn't, I obviously didn't vote conservatively. Like that wasn't my vibe.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

Radicalized Together

SPEAKER_00

I already shifted internally, I think.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, we both were on a radicalization journey of sorts at the same time.

SPEAKER_00

Did you ever have a conservative era as a child?

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

I don't I was about to say I'm pretty sure you've always like known who you were.

SPEAKER_01

My conservative era was like liking Hillary Clinton.

SPEAKER_00

Um which is the most conservative a person can be.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I've heard. I think about this all the time because I truly did not have anybody that was like a role model to me about this. Like I don't know how I came out the way that I did. All the odds were stacked against me.

SPEAKER_00

Nevertheless, she persisted.

SPEAKER_01

Nevertheless, she developed empathy. Uh-huh. I always was reading. I kind of think that that maybe added to it because I was like learning about the experiences of people that weren't me. I shout out reading.

SPEAKER_00

Shout out reading, shout-out books, shout out public library.

SPEAKER_01

Shout-out libraries, shout-out reading. Cause I truly like can't narrow down what happened to me to turn out the way that I did.

Protesting Planned Parenthood & Writing Gay Fan Fiction

SPEAKER_00

That's incredible. I didn't have that experience, but I love that. I I think I was always curious, which is why I was like able to question what I believed, but as a kid, I was definitely sort of parroting beliefs. Oh, yeah. No, that's so classic. I also think, like, I don't know how to even explain this mindset, but I was very much of two minds. Like there was there was one version of my brain that was like going to protest outside of Planned Parenthood against abortion, like doing really bad stuff. And I think it was just like because the whole group that I was a part of was believing in that. So it was like a bid for connection and community. And then there was like another mind that existed inside of me where I was like really, really liking women and loving to watch Glee and writing Harry Potter fanfiction.

SPEAKER_01

Inside you, there are two wolves. One of them's protesting outside the Planned Parenthood and writing Harry Potter fanfiction.

Jennifer Lawrence Fan Fiction (Real Person)

SPEAKER_00

Writing MLM Harry Potter fanfiction, by the way. I don't know if you guys know this, but Avery is actually Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Speaking of fanfiction, you may know me from my Wattpad.

SPEAKER_00

Do you want to show your handle or no?

SPEAKER_01

I actually don't want to do that at all.

SPEAKER_00

What kind of fanfiction did you write?

SPEAKER_01

I mainly was in the Hunger Games arena, if you will.

SPEAKER_00

Were we doing gay hunger games, straight hunger games, all of the above?

SPEAKER_01

It was a little bit all over the board. I would say the things I was posting about Jennifer Lawrence on my Tumblr, there was nothing straight about it. But the fanfiction I was writing was actually not even about the Hunger Games. It was about Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson in real life. Oh which is worse. That is worse than it probably.

SPEAKER_00

I heard Brittany Broski had Cole Sprouse on her podcast, and she wrote fanfiction about him as an actor, like not about Zach and Cody, but about him. Yeah. And had to like read it to him. Oh. And I would love to experience you reading your real life person fanfiction out loud.

SPEAKER_01

I revisited this as recently as 2019.

SPEAKER_00

I need to look into it bad.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. She got married. And so I had a lot of like more juice to add to my, you know, I had it updated since like 2012. She married some like art curator or something. Okay. That nobody knows. My chance went down the drain, but. Oh no.

SPEAKER_00

Not that you were like 17 or anything like that. Nothing like that. I really liked that movie she was in with the little the little theater boy. And he sang Maneater. What was that one? No hard feelings?

SPEAKER_01

The little theater boy.

SPEAKER_00

The tiny boy with the beautiful voice.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no. I we've lost the art of the comedy. She was sexy in that. Yeah. It was a naked nude. Dude, full frontal nude, you have no idea what happened to me in that theater. I literally had no idea going in.

SPEAKER_00

You bisexual with your bisexual boyfriend?

SPEAKER_01

I've been off the Jennifer Lawrence fan game for so long that like that absolutely would have crossed my desk in a certain year. But like this the year that that came out, it did not. And so yeah, full frontal out of nowhere. I was like, Hello? She was my screensaver, like my lock screen photo for like several years.

The Gay Playbook

SPEAKER_00

I like don't think I did I did women as a screensaver in terms of like celebrities. Cause I think it would have been not like it would have been frowned upon for me to watch TV at the time. So like my parents would have asked questions. Yeah. But I definitely had my female friends as my lock screen in like a gay way. Like the ones where we were holding each other. Like those were my screensavers. Yeah. Just because I loved looking at us hugging, you know? Like faces pressed against each other. This is my bestie. This is my bestie. A lot of people on the internet in the comments of my most recent video credited you for turning me gay.

SPEAKER_01

Turning you gay. Turn okay.

SPEAKER_00

And I'd like to talk through what that looked like for me personally. Right.

SPEAKER_01

How did I turn Hannah gay? You're wanting to see the playbook. I do have one.

SPEAKER_00

Yes. Um, I think something about you with all of our friends is that you've clocked everyone as gay before they have, which is something I really love about you.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'm something of a prophet, I guess.

SPEAKER_00

You have the I was told they have the gift of prophecy as a kid. Um, and I have OCD, and that was the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life.

SPEAKER_01

Worst thing to tell a little kid with OCD.

An Appalachian Woman Called Me a Prophet

SPEAKER_00

You have the gift of the prophecy. Someone was like, all those little magical thoughts in your head are true. I was on a mission trip, and this woman in the Appalachian Mountains. Sorry, is this funny to you?

SPEAKER_01

I love mission trips. She's I think they're so fun.

SPEAKER_00

I think they're so good for the whole world, and there's no problems with them. No problems at all. I can't say that. No ethical concerns with sort of going into a community of people that are maybe economically disadvantaged and then telling them that you can fix them. I think that's I don't think there's ever been any issues with that historically. No. And thank you. I knew you would agree. Um, but we were in a mission trip, on a mission trip in the Appalachian Mountains, and this woman who I think was magic.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

She was like how you would describe an old magical woman from the Appalachian Mountains. Comes up to me and she said that she has the gift of prophecy and she's talking to me because she knows that I do too. Right. Which is the second time I've heard that in my life, which is very scary. Um, and she tells me that she has this vision of me standing on a stage, like with like a podium or a microphone speaking to a large group of people.

SPEAKER_01

Look at her go.

SPEAKER_00

And I think about it all the time.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_00

Because now I do stand-up comedy, and I like sometimes I'll stand on the stage and be like, Is this the one that she saw in her vision?

SPEAKER_01

Okay, so she was right about that. Then she's probably do you get visions?

SPEAKER_00

Like, what do you what have you no, I have what have you foretold? No, I have I think a lot of people have this, but I'll have a dream sometimes and I'll be like, I've seen this before. Or I'll like something will happen to me in real life, and I'll think I dreamt this. Yeah. But I think everyone does that.

SPEAKER_01

I get that a little bit too.

SPEAKER_00

But I do feel magical. I've been manifesting lately and it's been really good.

Everybody's Tapping, Everybody's Finding Miracles

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, I love to manifest.

SPEAKER_00

I sent Avery a video. There's this guy on YouTube, I don't know if he has any followers, but his name is Brad. Um, and he does EFT tapping, which is like you'll like tap on your face. I know a lot of people do it for therapy. Um, it's very serious to me. And a lot of people do it for therapeutic reasons. Like um, to calm down from anxiety, you'll like tap both sides of your face to calm down. But he does like tapping manifestations. And so I've been like waking up a tapping manifestation in the morning, and I think it's radically changed my life for the better.

SPEAKER_01

No, so it's a chance that we're just on the up and up, but the whole friend group has been tapping and some crazy stuff has been going on, slash in a positive way.

SPEAKER_00

I got a really cool opportunity where I get to fly to New York that's coming up soon.

SPEAKER_01

I got head these are so many times in one week.

SPEAKER_00

So many times in one week. I got a job offer after tapping. Avery got a job. It's bad time to find a job. Bad time to find a job. And you found like a really good one.

SPEAKER_01

No one told me. Yeah, no, everybody's tapping, everybody's finding their miracles. So I guess check out Brad.

SPEAKER_00

Check out Brad. I'll tag him in the description. Yeah, that's like that's like the closest to a spiritual practice I have right now.

SPEAKER_01

Mm-hmm. Manifesting and tapping. Do you have a spiritual practice? I feel like I used to be when you're talking about being magical. I feel like I used to feel a lot more tapped into my magic and like my my spirituality, my power and stuff. And I don't know what happened to it. I'm trying to find it back. I would say the most like spiritual thing I do is like still like journaling.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I completely agree.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I you were the first person I met that rocked with journaling as much as I did in college, and it was really fun that we both did it. Did your my mom read my my journals as a kid. Did you have your journals read?

SPEAKER_01

I want you to answer that question for yourself.

SPEAKER_00

I'm gonna guess that no one read your journals as a kid. No one read my journals as a kid. I had um a decoy journal, and then a real journal. I had real journal underneath my mattress, classic place for under mattress, and then decoy journal was in my nightstand. Like I would write, like, had such a good day with my mom today. She loves me so much. This is one of the saddest things I've you've ever said to me. Okay, well, it was funny in my head. Um, and then fake and then real journal would be like Britney and Santana boobs. Like it would it would be like opposite.

SPEAKER_01

Decoy journal. When you said decoy journal at first, I thought it was gonna be like, you know, like your one for God and then your one like your real one, but no, it was decoy for mom.

SPEAKER_00

Decoy for mom.

SPEAKER_01

Decoy for mom.

SPEAKER_00

But I think reading back the ones for God, I think that a lot of them were very performative. Like I at the time was writing for an audience that was God, even if it was like my more private journal. I was putting on a little front.

SPEAKER_01

I've never really been rocking with a God vibe, but I used to be my own voyeur for sure. Like I was writing.

SPEAKER_00

I used to be my own voyeur.

SPEAKER_01

I was writing for I don't know who I was writing for, but it was for an audience. I don't know if I thought I was gonna have an Anne Frank situation. I I don't know what I thought. I thought there was gonna be an audience, but it wasn't like my mom was gonna read it. It was an unnamed audience.

SPEAKER_00

This will be a book one day. Yeah. I have talked about this. I might cut this for um the sensitivity of the situation, but as a kid, one of my like first big OCD things was around the diary of Anne Frank. We read it in elementary school, and I was like pretty bummed about the pretty pretty bummed to find out about the Holocaust. Yeah, pretty um, sort of like destroying of my yeah sense of safety in the world. I was like, shit, really bad stuff can happen. Um, but because of my like OCD sort of like neurotic anxious nature, I sort of inserted myself into the Anne Frank story. Um I talked to my pastor about this, and I was like, I'm so anxious, like, why would God let such a bad thing happen to a little girl? And he said, It's because she was such a good writer. And if she wasn't such a good writer, you would never have read her book. That's just an um so I thought that I, at eight years old, um, would write something so prolific that God would kill me. So I didn't journal for like months. Like I didn't I didn't write in my journal, I didn't write papers for class. Like I thought I'd write such a good essay and then God would decide that it was such a good essay that it would be better to kill me, so then more people could read.

SPEAKER_01

You said you're eight. Eight. Yeah, you're in like second, third grade, and you're like, this paper I'm about to turn in on the American Revolution is gonna rock God's socks so hard.

SPEAKER_00

Hey God, I'm gonna cook really hard right now, so I'm not gonna write just in case you were thinking about killing me. Like, if I did write something, it would be so good I would die.

SPEAKER_01

Such a talented writer that God just had to strike her down.

SPEAKER_00

I heard that he was in the business of killing very talented little girls.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Um that died were the talented. Were the talented ones. Right.

SPEAKER_00

That's insane. But that is my that was one of my first things.

SPEAKER_01

That's crazy. The mental gymnastics that people are doing pastor-wise.

SPEAKER_00

It is insane. Like, I think it's so insane that pastors have no license for counseling, but they have to provide so much counseling to a church. Like, there's no for at least the church that I grew up in. I know there's a lot of pastors that will go to like seminary school or divinity school or something and like learn things like family counseling, but for my church, it was just like a guy that worked in insurance. No, that decided to be a pastor. No, and so like he was doing improv. Like, like anytime he people had a question, he would immediately answer with like a very beautifully well thought out sentence. But it's like you just made that up. Like, I can do that. Like, I've done improv before. I think we should.

SPEAKER_01

That's just the big secret is that they're all just like they're doing big improv. That's why I became I was a professor for a second. You know this. Professor alert. I was a professor for just a second.

SPEAKER_00

A very good professor, a favorite of all of her students, the smartest girl in the world.

SPEAKER_01

But that's literally what it felt like. It was like improv. It was like they trust you implicitly for no reason. Yes, they literally trusted me so much. I was like, guys, the classes that they got me teaching.

SPEAKER_00

That's literally what stand-up is.

SPEAKER_01

That's crazy. I literally would practice my bits on them, and when I would teach two classes back to back, if it didn't work on the first class, I'm workshopping it for the next one.

SPEAKER_00

Did you do Avery or Prof did you do like last name?

SPEAKER_01

No, I would go by Avery, but I was teaching in the South, and so that made a lot of people really uncomfortable. So they would usually go with the professor Avery or Miss Avery. I literally used to put it in my syllabus, like, please call me Avery. Like, don't, or professor, like if you forget my name, but like I don't need to go up my last name, please.

SPEAKER_00

I met a lesbian Quaker a couple weeks ago. Awesome. And I know we have a friend that's interested in being like a lesbian pastor. Okay. Yeah. And I feel like we could start Quakerism. Quaker Shakerism.

SPEAKER_01

Shakerism. What's that movie called? Uh, The Testament of Ann Lee.

SPEAKER_00

With what's her name?

SPEAKER_01

Amanda Seifrid.

SPEAKER_00

Amanda Seifrid, big gay awakening for me.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, Mamma Mia.

SPEAKER_00

Her work in Mamma Mia and her work in Jennifer's Body were transformative for me. Yeah. I don't even think I've seen okay, we need to watch it. I haven't seen the whole Jennifer's Body. I just on YouTube as a kid would like come home from school and then Google Yeah. Yeah. Megan Fox, Amanda Seaford kissing Jennifer's body. I've seen that scene probably like dozens of times.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's a classic YouTube pilgrimage. Uh-huh.

Vibes Over Gender

SPEAKER_00

But I need to watch the whole movie. But yeah, Amanda Seaford has always been really important to me. What was your favorite like gay characters as a kid? Like, did you have gay you're bisexual? We'll say it. I'll say it. Buy people exist. She's bisexual.

SPEAKER_01

That's just in.

SPEAKER_00

And I'll allow it. I think that's fine.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you for taking a stand.

SPEAKER_00

I'm taking a stand in support of buy people. You are so valid. Did you have a bi awakening via like a homorotic friendship or a celebrity character? Or like what were some signs when you were younger looking back that you were pretty obviously gay?

SPEAKER_01

I don't know. I don't think there's anything gayer than writing Hunger Games fanfiction. I remember always like having a real strong, I was always like really outwardly an ally too. I remember like feeling so, you know, like I'm crying when like gay marriage, like the Supreme Court legal, you know, like Well, because you just care so much about the gay people. I was an empath. I'm, you know, I'm crying in solidarity. I love that.

SPEAKER_00

I remember my fifth grade best friend drew a picture of a rainbow and posted on her Instagram story the day that gay marriage was legalized in the Supreme Court, and I fell to my knees and cried not because of gay marriage being legalized, but because I was so disappointed in her and I felt like I had lost a friend.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_00

I was like, shit, she's gone. She's gone to the gay side. That stuff. I know. I think I was doing evil in the opposite way as you. She's gay now. Happy for her. Bisexual. Also. Another one for the bi community. It's contagious, I think. I had never met a bisexual person until I met you.

SPEAKER_01

It's a stepping stone for a lot of people, but there's a few still still on the island.

SPEAKER_00

Did you was there like a moment where you came to terms with bi or you just like knew about it and you were like, yeah, I'm probably bi?

SPEAKER_01

Okay, for me, and this is why sometimes I feel like a p like pan might be the label that would maybe be more suited to me. Like there has literally never been anything like physical about any of the people I've ever had a crush on. Or like, you know, I found people hot, but like there's there's like no type. I would have a crush on a mask person, I would have a crush on a femme person, I would have a crush on like gender and like gender presentation has never been a part of my crushes on people. It's always been vibes. Right. It's always just like, are you sexy and do you have a cool vibe? And so I don't really remember coming out to myself. I always just like have always had crushes on literally everybody. The Gemini urge to flirt with everybody that you saw.

SPEAKER_00

Can I tell them about um a crush that I saw you have on a girl or no?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. That was the first time I really was acting on it in a way that was like, yeah. So you were being gay.

SPEAKER_00

I actually have a diary entry about this. So hopefully it'll be out by the time this podcast is out. Um, I made Avery go to church with me because I wanted her to be holy, obviously.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Um I was always interested in church in like an anthropological way. Like I always remember I went to a really small school, so like I always felt like an outcast. Like I was like one of the only non-church goers, and that always felt like a really big rift between me and other people. So I always was like curious about it. I'm like, what are you guys doing every single week? Like, I wanna know. I wanna hang out.

SPEAKER_00

I don't want to miss out if we're all hanging out.

SPEAKER_01

VBS seems fun.

SPEAKER_00

Like, what are we like you you had two like middle class working parents growing up in the same way that I did? And it was like we would do VBS for every religion, yeah. Like Catholic, Presbyterian, Baptist, Lutheran. Like, if you're gonna feed in house my kids for five days a week in the summer, they're gonna go.

SPEAKER_01

Mm-hmm. I did actually go to VBS. That was my only exposure to religion as a kid, was VBS for childcare.

SPEAKER_00

And you didn't believe it?

SPEAKER_01

Um, I had a lot of the questions that I still have now, like when people get really into it. Like, I think the Bible's cool in like a story way, but like when they were trying to really like get us into the Noah was real, and that there was actually two of each animal on the boat. I had too many questions that they didn't want to answer. Yeah. Everything felt like so literal to me as a kid, too, that I just was like, what are you talking about? Yeah, how could all the animals fit on the boat?

SPEAKER_00

And you're so right. How could they all fit? Did you ever see Evan Almighty? No. With Steve Carell? No. Yeah, me either. That'd be stupid. Um I took you to church and you proceeded to how we describe, have a gay experience with the worship leader. The female worship leader.

SPEAKER_01

I do think that it happens to the best of us. I I do think it's important for context that it was like one of the like fake woke churches. They're like, gay is okay. They don't maybe necessarily know.

SPEAKER_00

They they advertised basically, it was important to me to know what their beliefs on gay people were because at that time I was rocking with gay people because Matthew was out to me as gay. Yeah, my best friend at the time. Yeah. Still my best friend. And I was like, this guy should be able to like go to heaven. I don't know. So I asked them what their thoughts on being gay were, and they said that they're welcoming of all people. Sweet. But then you get into the church and they basically say that they don't have leadership roles for queer people. So like being something like a youth pastor or the pastor of the church or a Sunday school teacher or whatever type of like leadership roles or like paid roles you can have at the church, they wouldn't let gay people have because it was sinful still, in their opinion. So, like they wanted to get gay people in the door to convert them basically.

SPEAKER_01

Um, but you seem to find a a way around that, or I don't know, you um Yeah, no, I went to church for so many more weeks than I thought that I was going to in a row. Just gonna do one or two. Yeah, no, I just wanted to go just once to be like, what's the other hype about? Then I ended up going for like so many weeks in a row just because I had such a severe crush. And it was like not out of like it wasn't one side. There was things also happening that were leading me to like keep coming back, you know? You know?

SPEAKER_00

Um like women, like pretty girls, yeah. With guitars.

SPEAKER_01

First time we hung out, yeah. Like, what do you mean you're writing a bespoke like song about me the first time we ever hung out?

SPEAKER_00

People say that men will write songs on first dates, but it's everyone. Like, everyone's had something sung at them before without their consent.

SPEAKER_01

Put that ukulele down. I said this oh my god. Put the ukulele down. If you're hanging out with someone for the first time and they pick up a ukulele, run. Leave. Get out while you can. She's gonna break your heart. It's not gonna go well.

Starting a Cult for Friendship

SPEAKER_00

Chloe in high school from my diaries, she would dump out scrabble tiles, write a song out of the scrabble tiles, and then sing it to me like ukulele. No, no, is this universal? I think so. I think it's gay women. I think Christian women that are actually gay. Gay women, let us know. If you've gay women, has someone written a song about you? And did you run? Did she break your heart? Are you still How did it go? Has anyone sung a song to you and you stayed together? I don't know anybody that has. Did your current boyfriend sing you a song? Has he ever sung you a song before? No, and that's probably why we're still together. Oh my god. Okay, yeah, I don't have any evidence that it works. No. My first segment is called What Are You Starting a Cult for? And you're gonna tell me something that you're obsessed with. So, Avery, what are you starting a cult for?

SPEAKER_01

What am I starting a cult for?

SPEAKER_00

I've always wanted to start a cult just for a cult's sake. Yeah, you would be a good cult leader. I would follow you to the ends of the earth.

SPEAKER_01

Right. No, like we are microdosing having a commune, okay? I think that we are really on the verge of getting a cult.

SPEAKER_00

Avery started a big gay friend group. It started with college, roommates, and then a couple people from our floor, and then expanded to like basically every friend that we've made since college has all been rounded up and we all live in Chicago within like a five-mile radius of each other.

SPEAKER_01

We are microdosing commune. We are hanging out all the time. Right.

SPEAKER_00

I feel like I had the experience of like, you know, when you start a new relationship and you like lose yourself a little because you're hanging out with your partner all the time. I feel like I've had that with like when you moved here, I'm just always at your house.

SPEAKER_01

Right.

SPEAKER_00

I'm always eating snacks at your house. I've wanted to cancel dates before because I've been like, well, I'd rather hang out with my friends.

SPEAKER_01

One of our other friends, too, the other day. She was like, Why would I go on a first date if you guys are hanging out? Yeah, like I already like you guys. Right. That has been so like I've been unemployed for about three months. But literally, like, I don't even have any of the dread that usually comes with unemployment because all I do all day is hang out. I'm like, I can't believe I'm gonna have to I can't believe I'm working starting next week. And like that's gonna really cut into my hangout time.

SPEAKER_00

It's gonna suck, but at least you're remote, so you can come do your remote job with me while I'm doing my remote job.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, no, I don't are we kidding. Are we kidding? You're gonna do that all the time.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. But I do feel not to be earnest, disgusting. You get one earnest pass. Okay, this is my one earnest of the day. Um, I feel like I'm way more comfortable taking risks since you moved here. Since like we had we had like five members of our friend group move to Chicago at the same time. And I think that have you heard of like the baby experiments where they'll have um like babies and their moms come into a room to be studied and then they'll check. like secure attachment, insecure attachment, avoidant attachment, and the babies with secure attachment will be comfortable running the furthest away from their moms without crying because they're securely attached. Like they'll explore more because they're closest to their moms. I feel like because I have such a close I'm serious. She's laughing. She's laughing. I feel like because I have such a secure attachment to so many friends, I'm like taking bigger leaps than I have before.

SPEAKER_01

And this is why your body count is up exponentially. Stop so you can't tell them that.

SPEAKER_00

And that is why my body count is up exponentially. By the way, if it starts as at one it's pretty easy to go up exponentially. Still I'm I'm proud of you. Thank you so much. I'm happy that you feel like you can be brave. I meant like comedy and career wise and you meant sexually.

SPEAKER_01

No, I meant everything. It just feels like we're so up.

SPEAKER_00

I think we're so up.

SPEAKER_01

Collectively we are maximizing our joint sleigh.

SPEAKER_00

I'm gonna make that the thumbnail maximizing our joint sleigh is really good. But yes, I feel like I've been a little bit braver because I think when I went through the whole thing of like losing my parents um like going no contact leaving family I felt kind of like flailing like I just didn't have a safety net. But now I feel like if something went wrong like if any of us in our big great gay friend group like lost a job or lost a relationship or had like any sort of significant like grief or something that we struggled with like we wouldn't let each other hit rock bottom. I still got my girls. I still got my girls I'm gonna cry. If nothing else I love you so much. I love you too I just totally capitalized on your starting a cult for Avery I'm starting a cult for being a good friend.

SPEAKER_01

I was reading something on the Atlantic about the friend group fallacy and they basically were like hey chill this is something that the media is presenting to you like there's been so many shows lately about like friend groups you know like adults and like there's like it's like trendy to have a friend group and they were like no one actually has this it's aspirational and I was like I feel like you can start building one though you know like obviously this is like six years of like work of all of us being like social and brave and meeting new people and finding out which ones might fit into the group dynamics. But like so it's not gonna happen like overnight but like what do you mean a friend group is aspirational? Like that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

SPEAKER_00

I think you're a fantastic friend. Do you have any tips and tricks for the people for forming a big gay friend group?

SPEAKER_01

Okay. It does kind of feel like I have to check in on all my ducks like like periodically I feel like that's part of being a good friend is like keeping track of what everybody's up to and like trying to check in on how that's going for them. Um I would say like birthdays are so I love birthdays and I love birthdays so bad that I like feel like I have to celebrate everybody else's birthday like bigly you tell me I love birthdays. I can ask everybody else to also celebrate my birthday in a big way. You're like making an investment in other people's lives so then they'll Yeah yeah it's you know again we're like maximizing our joint sleigh like I'm investing in the people around me and I know that it will pay off for me too. And it does. And it does.

SPEAKER_00

Wow I didn't really celebrate birthdays as a kid we would do like I know um we would do like maybe a little a little grocery store cake and then go to my grandma's house and we didn't really do gifts I don't think for birthdays like that wasn't a thing but you are going all out for birthdays like you insist on like we do like a trip or a big party or um like a big dinner with a whole friend group.

SPEAKER_01

I feel like so many people that like are like oh I hate my birthday it's like in an insecurity way like it I feel like it's never too late to be like wait I do actually want to celebrate myself and I do actually want attention and I do actually want to like go do something fun for myself. Like whatever it looks like it is different for everybody but like celebrate your birthday.

SPEAKER_00

I also feel like the more dire things get sort of like socio politically it's like we lived a whole nother year.

SPEAKER_01

Dude girl we did it yeah I five yeah I it's been like really really hard because I know too much that's a master's in political science thing is like knowing so so much that it's like how could you be happy?

SPEAKER_00

Um I'm sorry I just I watched your I watched you leave your eyes for a second how could I be happy this is this is your one earnest moment of the podcast.

SPEAKER_01

No I was thinking about Ian Frank again because I remember as a kid I remember like after learning about the Holocaust I think that was like the first bad thing I learned. Like that was the first time that I was like oh my God like really atrocious things can happen. And I had to like navigate like okay really bad things can happen like what am I gonna do about that? And also how am I still gonna be like doing my third grade thing you know so it's definitely been like a lifelong effort to figure out how to still be like happy and celebrate things and hang out while still like being grounded in the realities of our political world.

SPEAKER_00

I'm trying to think of how we celebrated we didn't live together for that long because we lived together during a COVID year but I think it was an impactful it was a big year year for me.

SPEAKER_01

It was big it was a big year. We went to our first parties together I you like I used to any we can find any reason to celebrate anything like it does not have to be somebody's birthday we'll have a party for an album release like we'll have a party for just about anything.

I Have a Rider for Every Friend

SPEAKER_00

We were gonna have a ranch party the other day because we found a new kind of ranch um everyone bring their own thing to dip in the ranch. Oh yeah no the ranch party's happening we're getting that selection of ranches we're having a ranch party I have another segment for you it's called forgive me but okay and you're gonna say forgive me but and then share kind of like a hot take that you have I guess I'm just like I'm really all in on friendship today.

SPEAKER_01

I'm really really locking down on friendship. Hate that but but um forgive me but I have like riders for all of my friends you do I like I know what everybody like everybody's accommodations. I know what everybody needs if they're coming over Hannah's got her gluten free mac and cheese cups I'll get certain soda for certain people that are coming over. I know that you do that too.

SPEAKER_00

Your writer you have root beer and Dr. Pepper in my fridge all the time if you're coming over I got you one today. Root beer today?

We Are the Anxious Generation

SPEAKER_01

Yeah with ice yeah so that's not really a hot take I like have a writer for your friends have a writer for your friends. Be prepared yeah be prepared for anything that might come up I'm trying to think if I have a forgive me but oh um forgive me but put your phone down. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00

And Avery might be laughing at me saying this because Avery sometimes you need help. Avery is physically removing my phone from my hand sometimes but it has astronomically improved my life exponentially improved my life to have my phone down. If I need to get something done I have friends around me Matthew Avery um I'll just give them my phone like I'll just be like take this and don't let me have it back for four hours. I know that you can buy stuff to put your phone in like you can buy the brick to connect your phone to you can override it. You can just tap the brick to your phone and then you can get your password again. You can put a screen time password on your phone but guess what? If you know the password you can enter it and then get back into your phone. These systems and these platforms were made to be addictive like they were created to keep you from being able to avert your attention anywhere else. And for me they're very effective they're very compelling to me. My um work in terms of comedy and like creating YouTube content and podcasts is all social media. So I like don't look away and since I have started giving my phone to other people hey turns out I think the phone was the problem. It turns out I've been like less anxious genuinely did you know about that?

Do You Believe in God? Are You Gay?

SPEAKER_01

Did you know that did you know that I'm less nervous now that I don't play on my phone for 12 hours a day the craziest book that I read last year was called The Anxious Generation and pretty much everybody should read it. So I opened it up thinking like oh this will help me understand my students this will help me understand people younger than me. No we're the anxious generation and then I was like thinking about my friends and it turns out there's some anxiety diagnoses you know and turns we have any friends without letters the alphabet mafia and the gay way and the neurodivergent yeah pick your letters do we have any that aren't genuinely no I don't think everybody's got something I love that if you don't have any diagnoses I don't think anyone would be following me if they didn't have something at least one of the letters would you like to do confessional I'm a little nervous but yeah I started asking personal questions because of you.

SPEAKER_00

You taught me about meeting people and then asking them insane things the second you meet them.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah the first do you remember the first two questions you asked me yes because I have kept them the same like I pretty much never want to talk about the weather. You see that the sun's out I see that the sun's out we can talk about it and that's like fine for like an Uber or whatever. But like for the most part I don't really want to talk about that. And so I was like what do I actually want to know like when I'm trying to get to know somebody and so it'll like vary depending on like who I'm talking to but if I'm having like a friendship litmus test I always want to hear do you believe in God and are you gay? And that just usually like if once I hear the answers to those two questions I can usually make a more informed decision about if I think that our friendship will be compatible.

SPEAKER_00

That's so funny. You asked me them pretty much immediately like I think it was very like a movie moment where we were both laying on our lofted twin beds staring at the ceiling. Yeah doing that thing you do in college where you ask each other every question under the sun to get to know each other better. And you said do you believe in God? And I was at a very tumultuous place in my relationship with God at the time so I was like uh no we met at a crazy crossroads for you. And then you said oh second question are you gay?

SPEAKER_01

And I think I have a journal entry about this that I'm gonna read soon too but I think I was just like I wonder why she would ask me that specifically I wonder I wonder what about me maybe would make her think that I was gay because I'm probably not though right we did kind of talk about this earlier though like there were several friends I kind of had to only I can tell you what you are and some people just got that vibe about them.

SPEAKER_00

Some people just got that look I think I had I found some old TikToks recently of me going on dates with men.

SPEAKER_01

Oh I remember hey hey I was there do you remember me going on dates with men? Do I remember?

SPEAKER_00

Yes unfortunately and I was like really I was really going on dates with men Yeah you were doing it in a masochistic way. It was like a self-harm just and I I do think about it like that now like like Ernest part two is like I I think I just wanted to prove so badly that I was by and that like maybe I because I knew I was attracted to women but I I needed to prove to myself that I was attracted to men enough that like I could end up with one. Yeah and after like many many dates with men I never found one and I was like maybe we stopped searching. Yeah everybody's got to have their last ditch effort of you know yeah gotta let me let me try let's I don't think there's ever been a man that I've like thought about after a date I don't think I've ever been on a date with a man and then he's asked me for a second date and I've I've like wanted to do that. Yeah we both were going on some pretty bad dates but I do remember you being like isn't he cute and I was like no yeah I just I had these like really insane specifications for a husband that were I'm sorry why are you laughing? I I just remember them of of like what specifically I needed in a man and it was impossible to achieve any of these things. Impossible um like six foot six um no I do remember laughing about that I just I had these insane requirements for boys um and I never found any that met those requirements and I was like well I guess that must mean there's not a man for me and I don't think there is I don't think there is either probably that's just an Anna might be gay. Anna might be gay oh my god can we answer the questions that you asked me do you do you believe in God? Where are you on God?

SPEAKER_01

Um where am I on God? That is such a good question. I am really ambivalent about it it kind of feels like it's not my business right now. I might loop back around to that later like I know a lot of people come to religion when they're about to die. I'm not really that worried about death I feel like I blinked into existence and I'm gonna blink out of it the same.

The Edible That Made Us See God

SPEAKER_00

I love so God. So God do you remember when we saw God?

SPEAKER_01

Yes and I was thinking about that that's the closest I've ever been to like oh my gosh wait were they onto something religion wise can I tell you that my fear of death got much better after that experience.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah no I so do you want to tell the story of me we can we can tag team um avery shared a lot of new experiences with me in college one of them being the edible the edible and something about people that make edibles like baked brownies and stuff they were homemade. It's homemade to the story that they were homemade is that you can't really divide up the amount of THC per brownie in the way that you might think you can.

SPEAKER_01

So like well the other layer here is like both of us are flying blind and I don't know like we fully had Google in our disposal like this was not that we're taking it edible or like maybe only taking one. So I had no idea about dosing like this was maybe like the third time ever that I had tried weed of any form.

SPEAKER_00

And I never tried it at all. What happened was we had these little mini brownies we both took a brownie and then after an hour we felt nothing and we did the classic double it. Yeah obviously because it's not working. Yeah and so what we probably ended up taking a lot. Yeah. 40 to 60 milligrams of marijuana.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And nobody tells you like when you're you know hanging out with your dealer it's not like hey bro like what dosage do you think for me and my lightweight friend you know like there that's that wasn't really the conversation we were having it was more like what's your PayPal yeah I remember she was cool.

SPEAKER_00

She was like a cool stoner girl and she was like I mean my stoner friends take half of one of these brownies. Yeah. And we were like I think two would be good per person. I think we would live yeah so we took an insane amount of weed and were pretty much like comatose. Yeah we both were laying side by side parallel in our little twin beds staring at the ceiling and we both described like the exact same hallucination at the exact same time. Yeah and that that's another experience that I think is magical like Appalachian woman telling me that I'm a prophet and this experience with you are my two most spiritual experiences. I think I looked over you and I said I think I see God. Yeah and you said me too and I know that we saw the exact same thing.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah no that's definitely the closest I've ever been to being like oh wow.

SPEAKER_00

I think in that moment I felt like I saw that we were all connected via the particles of the universe. Like I I felt in my body that I was made of the same matter as the planets.

SPEAKER_01

It felt like a really like shrooms experience more so like I wonder if she put some in there on accident or something.

SPEAKER_00

It was it was like I've never hallucinated with weeds since then but I know I don't know what happened to us. It could have maybe it was shrooms did we take a bunch of shrooms? But I'm really grateful for it because I I became a lot less anxious about like heaven and hell because I was like okay there's another option and it's like that we all come from the same stuff and we're going back to it. Right.

SPEAKER_01

You know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Wow yeah I'm so happy that I did drugs with you in college.

SPEAKER_01

And I am so happy that you did drugs with me too.

SPEAKER_00

I have another confessional question. Okay. And it's what was your I guess like do you remember any impressions of me in college? I think that's what the people want to know is like what was I like?

SPEAKER_01

What were you like in college? So yes I do think that it's important for context that I didn't really know about all the Daddy God stuff. Like I feel like by the time we met you kind of were starting to unpack all that you had your gay friend that you liked already. I knew one gay person. You knew one gay person you were cool about that and you weren't really doing the skirt thing anymore.

SPEAKER_00

I started doing pants I was wearing like flowy pants as resistance if that makes sense. I was doing like a funky flowy pant a wide legged pant as a good like in between.

My Parents Kept Showing Up to My Dorm

SPEAKER_01

Mm-hmm no my first impressions I was like it's interesting that your parents live in town and you're choosing to live at school so I was excited to hear what the drama was on that. You probably just remember my parents showing up imagine my surprise opening my door I'm home alone by the way we've always had the little bit too much of an open door policy like people are just walking in and out and so one of the times there's so many times that I went poorly actually one of the times it was a police officer one of the times it was Hannah's parents like they literally would show up when she wasn't home. I'm like I know you're like tracking her find my like I know you know where her dot is why are you showing up here at my dorm sneaking in behind a kid by the way because you have to swipe in with your ID so I'm like you snuck in behind a poor innocent kid that lives here to come pop up at our dorm and do what?

SPEAKER_00

I know I don't want to talk to you. They would like bring me gifts but the like under the guise of like checking to see what I was doing. So like they would like bring me my favorite drink from a restaurant or like bring me a new notebook to study with or something but it was like they were popping up very often just to like see if I was doing drugs or having sex in the apartment.

SPEAKER_01

Crazy.

Aldi Wine in a Hydro Flask

SPEAKER_00

Which I was but obviously not when they were there. It's just like we I had their location too we live in a 10 by 10 room the things that we're getting up to it's pretty hard to get that devious I told Matthew about this on the pod last week so the people will have heard about this by now but my dad showed up when I had made your virgin I had like just finished icing the cake and writing the red like virgin with a cross through it. Yes and then my dad walked in and was like what's that and I was like Avery's friends made that for her she's a really they they're really bad influence. Avery's friends made that Avery's friends are really bad. Avery's friends are having sex it's interesting that they never walked in on us doing something nefarious. I feel like they could have yeah we were always drinking uh shout out winking owl from Aldi shout out Aldi wine 299 bottles out winking owl and you know what inflation has not really hit that Aldi wine so I don't know what they're doing in that but it's always been about the same price I feel like my whole life and yeah we're buying a box of Aldi wine hiding it in a hydro flask a 64 ounce hydro flask it was like the biggest thermos you've ever seen in your life we would fill a bag of wine we would pour a bag of wine into the thermos and then hide it yeah I forget that I like the first two years of college I lived in my hometown and then I ended up transferring but Avery was my roommate at the beginning part of my college journey um and I worked in town and I remember one time I had just I think it was just I just had sex for the first time and I was covered in hickeys like that like bad um and then my grandparents showed up to like surprise me at work and order a drink. I like realized that I was getting a little too close to home. I was like people should not be able to find out about this. My grandma shouldn't be able to see my hickeys at the coffee place I work at no maybe that's what my starting cult for earlier was going to be is that like I forgot how fun it was to have hickeys. Hickeys okay here's the thing I didn't like them when boys gave them to me but it's like oh you want to leave your mark on me this last week been kind of hot. I've been enjoying it it's nice hickeys this just in kind of cute and fun kind of like I think they're back.

SPEAKER_01

Turns out having sex with people you're attracted to it it's so different and fun.

SPEAKER_00

We're so bad. I hadn't really been doing I hadn't really been up to that. No I'm so excited for you. Thank you so much. So that's I guess my second forgive me but hickeys who would have thought me with Beyonce this week. Avery put me on Beyonce.

SPEAKER_01

She likes Beyonce a lot okay she taught me the only one you're crediting for this I feel like the whole world is trying to put you on Beyonce.

SPEAKER_00

You taught me so many things.

Dusty the Tattoo Artist

SPEAKER_01

Is there something that you remember teaching me and you were like I can't believe she didn't know that the one that always comes to mind for me was our trip to New Orleans because it just felt like you learned everything at once.

SPEAKER_00

We haven't talked to them about that. That felt like the line for me. Like that's when I snapped into my current timeline with New Orleans.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I think it started because Hannah got to watch someone else try to outmanipulate her mom.

SPEAKER_00

Avery met my mom several times when she showed up at our dorm. If you guys were watching me on TikTok in 2019 we posted a video together from my dorm twin XL bed and we said hey guys we're gonna try to go to New Orleans and we're gonna see if Hannah's parents will let her we were like crowdfunding for a trip to New Orleans. Avery went to my parents' house basically like PowerPoint presentation to them about why I should be allowed to go to New Orleans. Right but by the way we're 18 um I adults with jobs parents have no financial ties to our our our schooling or anything like there's no reason we would need to like ask we go to my parents' house and Avery PowerPoint presentations them to convince them to allow us to go to New Orleans and she fucking did it. She did I never thought I never I never thought someone would convince my mom to do anything. I still don't know how you did it she has never been on board for anything like that in her life but I think it's that you were so cool that she wanted to be so cool. Have you seen the memes of Donald Trump being nice to mom Donnie I think she was like evil and she saw a light in your eyes and she's like I know this girl is cool as hell and I want to be on her team it was pretty special.

SPEAKER_01

And I also just remember like when I called my parents like probably the night before we left to drive like I was just like hey we're going to New Orleans tomorrow I'll send you some pictures when I get there and then they were like okay cool love you have fun and Hannah was like huh? Like I remember you being like wait that was it like nothing else like a one month lead up to be allowed to do that. No PowerPoint presentation like yeah so I feel like that was just a really big like learning experience.

SPEAKER_00

Your mom was a fantastic like foil to my mom like a character foil. I remember our first day of college the advice that she left us with was she's like don't smoke weed from a pen.

SPEAKER_01

It's bad for your lungs she said don't smoke weed from a pen that was straight from the joint yeah if you're gonna smoke smoke from a joint like yeah don't do any of the the vape stuff to like keep it natural. Uh-huh and then yeah the second one I remember her saying was like because she used to be an earner so she was like she's seen some stuff she's seen some stuff she was like get as drunk as you want to but don't butt chug anything and hey I will say still haven't I haven't thanks Michelle thank you for teaching me how your body processes alcohol don't butt chug anything supposed to just go right directly and honestly both of those have held pretty true like I feel like it was pretty good advice.

SPEAKER_00

And my parents were like don't touch a boy they were like don't touch a boy don't look at them don't leave the house I was turning off my location as fuck. I was like I was doing some crazy shit in the find my space where I was like oh my f my phone was dead all the time because I wanted to have like an excuse for why my location wasn't uploading which like probably wasn't super safe at the time to always have a dead phone but it was my only workaround yeah the the tracking situation.

SPEAKER_01

Or I also remember I feel like you were wearing like our like the your friends like party shirts because like you didn't have any party shirts.

SPEAKER_00

I didn't have going out tops after the the tube top was the only one I had for a while but you were my source of going out tops you and Maddie I would just go to your closet and steal your shirts. Right.

SPEAKER_01

Because I needed if you're going to a college party you have to show a little boob. Mm-hmm. So yeah I remember that also being a turning point of like oh I can wear immodest clothes and have so much fun doing it. And then the tattoo was probably in the tattoo.

SPEAKER_00

It's sort of one of the worst friendship things I've done was in New Orleans to you. Which is that I forgive you. We go to New Orleans Louisiana together with the intention of getting matching tattoos or like tattoos in the same place to commemorate our friendship. And it does feel like

SPEAKER_01

Important context that I'm usually the type A representation of the pair of us.

SPEAKER_00

She's a type A girl.

SPEAKER_01

I'm the one that's like I'm researching tattoo places. I've got their hours in the notes app. I've got like their, you know, because we aren't trying to get anything crazy. It's just like little tiny like walk-in, like no shading, no nothing. Like, so just like trying to find good walk-in places. Cause like touristy pla like touristy cities can be scary with the tattoos.

SPEAKER_00

And I didn't know any of this.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

But I was like, I think I want to get a tattoo with you.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So, so we go to New Orleans with the intention of getting a tattoo. You make a tattoo appointment at a very nice tattoo shop. Very reputable. Um, I watch them like print out a picture of the design that you want. Yep. They're very sanitary. They put their gloves on, they wash everything. It's like a very neat space. They like consult with you before they put the tattoo on. They like move the stencil if you want it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Gently like re-stencil it how you'd like it. They draw it on, they do the tattoo. Like it's a very beautiful, yeah, sanitary experience. Yeah. I chicken out. She chickened out. You go first, and I go, I can't get a tattoo anymore.

SPEAKER_01

Yep. I think you picked one out. Like, I think you picked one out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I had the design chosen and I said, can't do it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Changed my mind.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And you were left with one tattoo. And I wasn't that worried about it.

SPEAKER_01

It wasn't like we got matching ones or anything. It was just like, oh, we're gonna get a little tattoo to commemorate our trip.

SPEAKER_00

But it is a little bit shitty to be like, we're gonna get tattoos together, and then for you to not have it together.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So you can say what happened next.

SPEAKER_01

So we were only there for like three days. It was a long weekend, and like we were leaving to drive home. It was our last day there. I think it's 10 p.m. And Hannah's like, I changed my mind, and I was like, you don't want to go home? Like, what? Like, what's I I changed my mind. Okay. And she's like, I want to get a tattoo.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

So literally all my research, obviously out the window, because in my little sheet, when I went back to it, none of the reputable places are open past 10 p.m. So I'm like, okay, like I'm sure there's somewhere open, but like that is there somewhere open that you think we should like go? So I'm like trying to help her figure because I wanted her to get a tattoo. I was like, this feels important that we try it. So we put like tattoo in Apple Maps and like tried the closest place.

SPEAKER_00

Siri, where can I get a tattoo?

SPEAKER_01

We walk in, it smells like weed as fuck, which is like fine, just not really ever any of the other tattoo experiences I've had.

SPEAKER_00

We walk in um on a man getting a tattoo. Um, he's he's getting a tattoo of a woman's name on his neck.

SPEAKER_01

Huge on his neck, like with the full shading, the full everything. Like it is a neck tattoo.

SPEAKER_00

Like, so this is a very different tattoo shop vibe than the one that we've seen before.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, like the one that we went to was very much so like walk in, little flash, like tiny little I mean the man tattooing, his name was Dusty, I believe. Shadow Dusty.

SPEAKER_00

He is not really into like sort of like gloves in the way that the other tattoo shop was. Yeah. Um, and you and our other friend that were with us, you look at me and you say, You don't have to do this. Like this doesn't feel safe to me, you don't have to. But I think in that moment, I had decided like if I wasn't gonna do it now, I was never gonna do it. So I had to. Um so this man named Dusty, I watch him like roll a joint as he's tattooing me.

SPEAKER_01

Like he is fully rolling up a blunt in between appointments, which do what you need to do, I guess.

SPEAKER_00

So he's very high for the tattoo appointment. Yeah. Um, instead of sort of like a stencil or a printed situation, I ask for a butterfly. He takes like a blue pen or marker and just like loose draws it on me.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

SPEAKER_00

No sort of like idea of what it's gonna look like. Loose draws on a butterfly. I think it's pretty good. No, I think it's a good one. I think it looks pretty good. Um he tattoos it on me, he's smoking the whole time, and there isn't sort of like the glove situation. I know that you got like a clear sticker over yours for sanitation. Mine was just sort of like a band-aid, like a loose band-aid on my tattoo.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um, and it could have been really bad and scary, but I think you held my hand the whole time. You and our other friend.

SPEAKER_01

You didn't get any bloodborne illnesses. No bloodborne illnesses. Healed pretty well, like it turned out okay.

SPEAKER_00

But it was like uh I guess it was so transformative for me because I was like, I have like in this moment, I have to make this choice that is irreversible. Like, yeah, I think I had been allowing myself to live as two people for so long. Like when I'm around my parents, I'm gonna be this person, and when I'm at school, I'm gonna be this person, and I can just keep doing that forever until they die, and then one day I'll be happy. And that was just my way of deciding, like, okay, I'm gonna forever like alter my body, so then this version of me is the only version of me, if that makes sense. Like, like I can never take off this like rebellious person that I am.

SPEAKER_01

Let's just merge it into one.

SPEAKER_00

I have one more question. I'm wondering what sort of like goals you have personally right now, like what you're working on.

SPEAKER_01

So I just moved to Chicago from Texas. Yay! Yeah, so I feel like I'm still trying to soak up my like living in Illinois again. I would say still working on like I still kind of want to meet some new people. Like, I love my You love your big gay commune. I love my commune, but what if there's more people that need to get added to it? Also, beefing up the commune for the class war, I would say. Yeah. We need more skill sets. Right, we need more skills sets.

SPEAKER_00

We have a cake decorator.

SPEAKER_01

We got a lot of skills that are not getting us very far.

SPEAKER_00

We have a lot of lesbians that can crochet.

SPEAKER_01

Nobody's got any of the useful ones. I don't know anybody that can like weld or like fix a car.

SPEAKER_00

We need one of those.

SPEAKER_01

Like, we really need to work on our our useful skills.

Put Your Phone Down & Talk to People

SPEAKER_00

Um, any any parting wisdom you'd like to leave the people with?

SPEAKER_01

What would I like to leave the people with? Um, put your phone down, talk to some people that you haven't talked to before that you haven't talked to in a while. And yeah, that's really all we got right now, I feel like, is like the people around us and like trying to have fun while still being like grounded in reality. Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm so happy that you could come on the podcast today. I'm so happy I could be on the podcast. I love you so bad.

SPEAKER_00

Love you too.

SPEAKER_01

Bye.