“Homoerotic Friendships” with Chloe | Cross My Heart Episode 10

Chloe is here for episode 10! This week we talked about homoerotic friendships, turning 25, “Cry Thursdays”  at church camp, chosen family over blood family, ASMR, and all-time favorite albums. .

Cross My Heart is hosted by Hannah Beck. Follow @hannahbeckcomedy on TikTok and Instagram. New episodes every Monday. Comment, review, and tell your gay friends 🖤

Known for her viral "Tube top" video and "Dear Daddy God" diary series on TikTok, Hannah dives deep into the messy but beautiful reality of growing up queer in the Midwest.

Chapter: 

0:00 – Hannah’s birthday party

11:21 – Confessional: are you gay?

17:42 – God is a woman (and we worship her)

25:19 – Embarrassing middle school stories (the refrigerator box)

31:00 – Homoerotic friendships

35:21 – Starting a cult for: Midwestern ways of showing love & full albums

45:00 – Forgive me but: put your dog on a leash & write letters

48:06 – Roses & Thorns

HannahBeck #CrossMyHeartPodcast #GayPodcast #LesbianPodcast #QueerComedy #TikTokComedian #DearDaddyGod #ChicagoComedy #ComingOut #MidwestLGBTQ #ExEvangelical #ReligiousTrauma #ChristianDeconstruction #ChosenFamily #MentalHealth #ComfortCreator #StandUpComedy #QueerTikTok #Podcast

Keywords: Hannah Beck, Cross My Heart podcast, Chicago comedy, gay podcast, lesbian podcast, TikTok comedian, Dear Daddy God, religious trauma, ex-evangelical, queer comedy, Midwest LGBTQ, Caleb Hearon, So True Podcast, Brittany Broski, Broski Report with Brittany Broski, comfort creator, coming out stories, Christian deconstruction, mental health, therapy podcast, chosen family, lesbian dating, stand-up comedy, viral TikTok, queer, podcast

Cross My Heart is hosted by Hannah Beck. Follow @hannahbeckcomedy on TikTok and Instagram. New episodes every Monday. Rate, review, and tell your gay friends 🖤

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

In elementary school, we had a refrigerator box in our garage, and we made a crush box where we like printed out photos of Drew on my family printer. No. And put them in the refrigerator box. And I remember being like, we should kiss in the refrigerator box.

SPEAKER_03 0:15

Oh, we should kiss my shrine to Drew. We should kiss in my Drew shrine. Oh my fucking God. And that won't be creepy and he'll really be actually flattered.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

He probably would be so flattered, and I don't know if he ever knows that we did that. We had out That is serial killer shit. I need you to know that I was going on his mom's Facebook.

SPEAKER_03 0:35

I was That's not a way that people crush on people.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

I was snippet tooling photos of him off his phone. You weren't conducting research. You weren't crushing. Using the background remove tool on PowerPoint. Okay. No, you were cutting out images. Making, making a like a refrigerator box is a lot of surface area. And I swear to God, it was covered.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

I'm kind of scared.

SPEAKER_02 0:55

In photos of Drew. Drew. And then I was like, maybe I can kiss my best friend. Maybe she'll be like a little hot and heavy in the refrigerator box.

SPEAKER_03 1:04

Oh my god, I thought you wanted to kiss Drew in Drew's box. No, I wanted to kiss my best friend. No, I I want to kiss my best friend. Isn't this lovely? Doesn't Drew look really good in the moonlight?

SPEAKER_02 1:15

Doesn't this make you want to kiss someone? Me though, probably. Oh yeah. The plan. It was perfect. It was perfect. It was my birthday yesterday.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

Yay, Taurus.

SPEAKER_02 1:27

And Chloe came up from St. Louis to watch, not watch.

SPEAKER_03 1:31

I just sat, I sat in the cuck card.

SPEAKER_02 1:32

Chloe came up to watch my birthday party. Chloe came up to come to my birthday party. And we had a lot of fun. We did. I feel like my brain is fully developed. You do? Yeah. Did it turn on? I felt it click. You did? Yesterday. Yesterday. I woke up and I was like, I need to redecorate. Don't apologize for laughing on my fucking couch.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

It was just loud.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

Um, I woke up and I was like, I need to redecorate my home.

SPEAKER_03 1:56

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

All of my furniture and decor. That's 24-year-old furniture and decor. Exactly. Um, I also love my favorite thing to do as a woman is to decide to change everything about myself in one day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so the feeling of waking up 25, I was like, it's crazy that everything's gonna be different now.

SPEAKER_03 2:10

Everything has to change. I knew I was 25 when I went to the pizza shop after work, and I was like, oh my god, I want a pizza, but also I'm gonna have a salad, and then I went home and ate them, and the salad was the better part of my meal.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 2:21

Horrible, but also kind of fun.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Do you know how I fucking know I'm 25? Wow. Went home from my birthday party at 2 a.m., drunk off my ass last night, took off my makeup before bed. Me too. I'm so proud of us. I would not have done that even a day ago. Even 24 hours ago, could not have done that. But now that I'm 25.

SPEAKER_03 2:39

No, and yeah, it did click in the place. Snapped right in.

SPEAKER_02 2:42

Do you want to do my first segment? Yeah. I think I want to do confessional first because that feels fun to me. Okay. You know my two questions that I start with with everyone. Number one, are you gay?

SPEAKER_03 2:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

No, and no, and show the people your Tiffany lamp tattoo.

SPEAKER_03 2:57

This is my Tiffany lamp. Yesterday it was mistaken for a mushroom, but it has a mushroom shape, so it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 3:02

You have a stained glass lamp tattooed on your body.

SPEAKER_03 3:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:05

Which is my favorite tattoo of yours.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Ghost, lilac. I have a big sting right here. Gay. Um, so yeah, I mean like I'm gay. I first went as bi, first came down with bi in high school in ninth grade.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 3:18

And by that I mean my friend around a bonfire was like, have you ever thought about like girls?

SPEAKER_02 3:22

So it was contagious.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

And I was like, No. And then I was like, holy shit. And then I got a girlfriend.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

And I just people were cool with gay?

SPEAKER_03 3:32

Um, yeah. It was generally like, no, everyone was fine. My friends were good, my parents were good. Um, it just like wasn't always cool. But I was fine. My high school was fine. I wasn't ever bullied, like we were good.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Yeah. How old were you when you found out about gay?

SPEAKER_03 3:49

When I found about like gay. Yeah. Like that you could be gay. Yeah. Um, probably like middle school, maybe in a little elementary. I was reading all the time.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

So And that's why we have to burn the books.

SPEAKER_03 4:00

And and I mean, because we should burn them all. Seriously.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

The kids will find out about gay.

SPEAKER_03 4:04

You know, my profession, like, really. Always a librarian. I'm a librarian.

SPEAKER_02 4:08

Which is the coolest job, by the way. Honestly, like the last frontier against the sort of like horrific things that are happening with the distribution of information right now.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

Seriously. Do you feel scared? Oh, always. Yeah. Oh yeah. Do you have any hope for the future? Oh, I always do. I like in grad school, we would pose these questions all the time, like, um, are we worried about it? Like, and and all our professors were like, always be worried. It's good you're worried. Like, that means you care, but there's always gonna be hope. Like, as long as we're here, we're we're gonna push for stuff and we're gonna fight for stuff.

SPEAKER_02 4:38

So it's like, do you feel like there's been even like a shift in the way that people do research now?

SPEAKER_03 4:43

Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah, it's bad. It's really bad. So students come up to me, they're like, Hey, I have research. I go, okay, so what have you done?

SPEAKER_02 4:51

And they just stare blankly at me, and I'm like like the lack of initiative, like they don't start it by themselves.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

And there's nothing. And then the first thing they usually do is go to Google Scholar. Me and Google Scholar have beef really heavily.

SPEAKER_02 5:02

I use Google Scholar as book in college.

SPEAKER_03 5:04

And that's fine. It's fine because it's a great start, starting place, right? Have you ever been in Google Scholar and like clicked on something and you're like, oh, I can't get it? It's $20. Yeah. That happens all the time on Google Scholars. And especially at my university, very tiny, very small. There's Google Scholar's not gonna be very helpful. Yeah. So I always have to like teach them how to use the databases and stuff, which they hate.

SPEAKER_02 5:23

I love a database. Yes. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_03 5:26

Yes, me as well.

SPEAKER_02 5:27

I miss research so bad.

SPEAKER_03 5:28

I don't. I do it all the time.

SPEAKER_02 5:31

You're my biggest book friend. Are you reading anything right now?

SPEAKER_03 5:34

Um, I am. I'm reading about the history of Appalachia. Oh, sick. It's literally just called Appalachia.

SPEAKER_02 5:39

Is there anything that you've learned?

SPEAKER_03 5:40

Well, I was off a gummy when I was reading it on the train. So I couldn't really follow the words very well. No, they're all sort of blending together on the train. So I'm gonna have to reread those pages. So I haven't learned much because it was like the start of the book.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

I'm reading um FameSick, the Lena Dunham memoir.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

Oh, yeah. How are you liking it?

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Um, I like it. I think there's a lot of critiques of her that are like really based in just like a hatred of women, I would say.

SPEAKER_03 6:03

And I agree. I agree.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

Yeah, I think that there's some valid, obviously, critiques of her. I have critiques of the memoir, but just like generally, I think she's a really compelling writer. Yeah. And I I think as a storyteller, she has a lot of experiences in terms of chronic illness and OCD that I really resonate with. And I think she describes them in a way that I feel like I have access to new language after reading the book to describe my like chronic illness OCD stuff.

SPEAKER_03 6:24

Oh, that's so cool.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

That I'm really, I think is cool as hell.

SPEAKER_03 6:26

I didn't know she had chronic illness.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

I know big endometriosis and EDS.

SPEAKER_03 6:30

That makes sense. Okay. Why does that make sense? Well, the hysterectomy because I want one bad. I want a hysterectomy bad. I don't have like surgically diagnosed endometriosis. You have to be literally open. And I've been like on the diagnosis journey for years and years and years, and I still like have like probably, but we don't know because they haven't gotten in there. But I still want one because I just don't want to ever have a kid.

unknown 6:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:52

Don't ever want to be in pain. I hate birth control. Take it out. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 6:56

Yeah. I think you should. I'm starting a cult for Chloe getting her uterus removed. Doctors, could someone volunteer? Should we do it live on the pod? We live stream surgery. That fucking raw. Yeah. That'll be fine. As a when I was in college and I was doing research, I was really interested in neuroendocrine research, like how the hormone cycles affect the brain specifically in women's hormonal cycles, like periods. And it's because I have really bad PMDD, which is really hard to diagnose. Yeah. And it's it's just hard to go to a doctor and be like, when I'm about to get my period, I want to kill myself.

SPEAKER_03 7:29

Hey, it gets really dark. Hey, it gets up before before the monthly.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

And I got diagnosed with bipolar, I got diagnosed with depression, and like was on crazy meds that were really, really bad for me. Yeah. Until finally I had a female doctor that was like, I don't want to be toxic when I tell you this, but do you think you're on your period?

SPEAKER_03 7:46

She's like, hold on.

SPEAKER_02 7:48

Because if a man said that to me, do you think you're on your period? I would like shut the fuck up. But it turns out that it was, yeah, if you haven't heard of PMDD, it's I genuinely think more women need to hear about it. But it's like you're not supposed to think about killing yourself before your period. No, it's not. That's not normal.

SPEAKER_03 8:03

Do you know that like period cramps aren't supposed to be normal either?

SPEAKER_02 8:05

Like, it's not supposed to hurt that bad at all. As a child, I remember being having to call out of school, walking back and forth.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

Be on the stairs and having to just crumple on the ground because it hurts so bad. And everyone's like, oh, it's just it's just your period. It just hurts. Aww. Oh, you're stupid.

SPEAKER_02 8:21

Being a woman's tough. Oh, you're stupid.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

In many other ways.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

Oh, you're stupid and you can't handle pain. Aww.

SPEAKER_03 8:25

Oh, this poor little stupid baby. I'm gonna kill you.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

I'm gonna kill you with a glass.

SPEAKER_03 8:29

I'm going to murder you. You don't get it. And also sorry, I'm not gonna say that. Aww. Like, that sucks.

SPEAKER_02 8:38

Anyway.

SPEAKER_03 8:38

It's not normal.

SPEAKER_02 8:39

Can I curse on here? You absolutely can. I've talked about this before, but I think just anyone that's not a small, straight person is like small, straight male person is having a hard time at the doctor.

SPEAKER_03 8:48

Yeah. No, they don't listen. They don't care. If you're a woman, it's it used to be in the old days, like it's pure, it's poor humors or they're being hysterical. And I think it's still carrying on into modern. Take me to the sea. Take me to the sea to get strong. Seriously. We have to go. Like, no.

SPEAKER_02 9:04

Should we go to the sea to get strong?

SPEAKER_03 9:05

I yeah, we should. Oh. And and there is some truth to that. Like being outside is good for you. Comma, however.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

Comma, however.

SPEAKER_03 9:13

I also have medical issues.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

I think that if I had lithium and access to the ocean, I would be feeling a lot better.

SPEAKER_03 9:19

No, and everyone would. But yeah, yeah, no. I don't like doctors. I hate the dentist. I hate the dentist. Talk about leaving a chair with standing water full of sweat.

SPEAKER_02 9:32

What do you mean you're sweating at the dentist?

SPEAKER_03 9:34

Because I'm scared. Really? And the sounds are awful when they're scraping that shit in my mouth is awful.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

Ugh.

SPEAKER_03 9:40

Shut up.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

Welcome to Cross My Heart where we don't trust the dentist.

SPEAKER_03 9:45

I know we seriously don't trust his chiropractors. And why are you laughing?

SPEAKER_02 9:51

I don't know. I have loose. I'm being dead serious. One of my disorders is that my bones are loose. My joints are loose. EDE. Oh. ADS. EDE. Sorry. EDS. And I was told that you. Yeah. It's new. I like recently found out about her. Yeah, yeah. Um, but you're not, I'm not supposed to go to the chiropractor because my my spine could slip out of place.

SPEAKER_03 10:08

And have you seen them go?

SPEAKER_02 10:10

I love watching. Oh my god, I fucking love watching chiropractor ASMR.

SPEAKER_03 10:13

No. Oh, ASMR, of course.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

You love ASMR.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

I love ASMR.

SPEAKER_02 10:17

Who's your ASM artist right now?

SPEAKER_03 10:19

Oh, my favorite ASM artist in the world. Her name is um Chill with Me, Hannah B or Chili B ASMR.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

My name is literally Hannah B.

SPEAKER_03 10:25

Well, Hannah B.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Should we have her on the pod?

SPEAKER_03 10:26

You need to. She's incredible. Bob. She does Reiki and she's not a Reiki practitioner, but she just, you know, she has crystals and she clicks on stuff. She's fixing your energy.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

She's like, let me remove the negative energy from between your eyebrows. And I'm like, And when they fucking do that, I feel it.

SPEAKER_03 10:40

I'm purring like a fucking cat. Like I am, I am in there. I'm in the zone. Like I am, yeah. I also love Katie ASMR. Katie ASMR does TSA pat downs. Stop.

SPEAKER_02 10:54

The way that my friend Avery, who is also on this podcast, calls me and goes, I'm you guys were sharing a bed. What were you were you traveling?

SPEAKER_03 11:02

We probably sharing a bed. We I mean we went to Puerto Rico.

SPEAKER_02 11:05

You guys were sharing a bed, having a slumbeat. Yep. And I get a text from Avery. That's like Chloe is making me listen to TSA Pat Down ASMR to find out.

SPEAKER_03 11:14

I didn't just make her listen. I put it on the TV.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

You're like, hey babe, do you mind if I play some white noise to fall asleep? Hey, I I can't fall asleep in the silence. I just need to put something on the TV. TSA Pat Down.

SPEAKER_03 11:25

And it's nothing like what you're thinking. It's not it's nothing serious. She's in the corner of her house. She has a popsicle stick and she's wiping people's clothes for bomb fragments.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

So you've watched it multiple times, then.

SPEAKER_03 11:36

She has many videos. You guys need to check her out. It's incredible stuff. I can't get through half of them. I'm already asleep. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

I'm watching um Ocean's ASMR right now. Yes. I love Ocean's ASMR. Is it is it Southern style ASMR or Southern ASMR?

SPEAKER_03 11:52

Stop where she fixes the dollar shoes.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

She goes to the dollar store and she completely does all the soaps.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

She said, I'm gonna be fixing this Irish sprint.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

No, I know her. I feel like they would kick her out. Like they'd be pissed off.

SPEAKER_03 12:01

You've seen her F AQs in the comments?

SPEAKER_02 12:03

No. And tell me what they say, beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

She answers all those questions. She said, No, I don't get paid for this. Yes, they don't mind. Like, nobody cares. It's like not a popular dollar store. I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02 12:14

Well, I assume if I'm a dollar team employee, I'd be like, yeah, do my job, please.

SPEAKER_03 12:18

Yeah. And she's like, I'm not being disrupted with customers.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

When I worked in retail, I would rather I would really love it.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

I'm like, thank God she's here. What's her name? What's her hand? Oh, Southern ASMR is here. Thank fuck.

SPEAKER_02 12:29

She brings her boom mics in this.

SPEAKER_03 12:32

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 12:32

That's so fucking funny.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

But that's dream. Dream guest on my podcast. Well.

SPEAKER_02 12:37

I bond with you over ASMR. Yeah. I also, oh, we were doing confessional.

SPEAKER_03 12:41

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Okay. So you're a lesbian. Lesbian.

SPEAKER_02 12:44

And that's cool.

SPEAKER_03 12:45

Yeah. I mean, I'm non-practicing so hard that I bought a house before like I got anywhere with it.

SPEAKER_02 12:52

Not currently practicing my lesbian.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

Not currently practicing. I'm trying. It's on my list for 2026.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

What's your type? What are you looking for?

SPEAKER_03 12:58

Um, people ask me this a lot. I like women.

SPEAKER_02 13:00

Oh, huge. And me too. Okay. And that's the big one.

SPEAKER_03 13:04

I think mostly femmes, I think. Okay. I do like masks, but not like crazy.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Okay, so femmes and masks and women and all non-binary people.

SPEAKER_03 13:12

So any questions?

SPEAKER_02 13:14

Anyone that's gay that lives in the St. Louis area.

SPEAKER_03 13:16

Do you have a pulse? Shit, like him.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

No, I feel I thought that I didn't. We've talked about this before on the pod, but I was certain I did not have a type. I was like, why did you look at me like that? Oh I was so certain I didn't have a type, and then this year I've been having a sexual renaissance of sorts. And I've been having a type. So I'm excited for you to find out what that gets. Oh my God. It just happened I don't know what's going on in my mind, but it just happens.

SPEAKER_03 13:44

No, it's what the heart wants what it wants. Is that what Selena said?

SPEAKER_02 13:48

I think so. Yeah. Do you believe in God?

SPEAKER_03 13:51

I literally was like, I'm going on a podcast and I need to prepare for this question.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

You do.

SPEAKER_03 13:55

Um, I used to in my youth. I went to church.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Classic. What church did you grow up in?

SPEAKER_03 13:59

Um, it was a non-denominational Christian church, you know, the ones with the lasers.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

Did you have coffee shop inside?

SPEAKER_03 14:05

Coffee. Well, it was like a coffee station, but it was very kind of an advanced coffee station. Um, we had youth group. I went to church camp four times with them. Um, where we would go to like we went to Denver, we went to like Lake of the Ozarks, um, all of that.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Like, were you kissing people at church camp?

SPEAKER_03 14:21

No. I was kissing God.

SPEAKER_02 14:23

Oh. Did you do Jesus as my husband was the craziest trench?

SPEAKER_03 14:27

We didn't do any of that.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Yeah, me either. That would be so weird.

SPEAKER_03 14:31

No, we weren't fucking crazy. What?

SPEAKER_02 14:34

No, Jesus is my husband.

SPEAKER_03 14:35

I've never even heard of it.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

I had a t-shirt that said Jesus is my boyfriend that I wore to public high school. Picture me rolling up in my denim skirt and my Jesus is my boyfriend t-shirt.

SPEAKER_03 14:45

And I was about to dox you went to high school?

SPEAKER_02 14:48

To my public high school. I'm being like, why does no one want to hang out? Hey guys, I just hoping you'd want to hang out sometime. I'm like people repellent. I'm wearing people repellent. It's okay. And I'm like, why does anyone want to come over here?

SPEAKER_03 15:01

Meanwhile, I'm just in orchestra in the newspaper that did the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

I was in orchestra in your book.

SPEAKER_03 15:06

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

I played what did you play? I played violin. Cello, of course. You're such a cello. Oh my god, so cute. The tello of the tattoo for the audio listeners.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

Oh, it's um a skeleton playing the cello. It's my skelet, of course.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

It's very cute.

SPEAKER_03 15:18

Yeah. Um, I was talking about it to some guy at the liquor store the other day. I'm like, it's not stolen battle. I promise I played the cello. Like, please.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

Did he ask, or you just No, I just said that. I just like to. Did he say anything about your tattoo?

SPEAKER_03 15:29

No, he was complimenting my.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

You walk up to him and you're like, I swear.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

Please, I swear. Like, don't like don't know. He complimented my ghost tattoo and then I was showing him the rest. Oh, cute.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Yeah, yeah.

unknown 15:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:38

He had like four ghost tattoos to show me back. I was like, oh, you really did like the ghost tattoo.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

I have a friend that has four tattoos of the little yellow guy from Snoopy cartoons. Oh Woodstock?

SPEAKER_03 15:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

Four Woodstock tattoos on his body. And it's like, I love when people have a brand.

SPEAKER_03 15:52

No, that's lovely.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

I love when you know what you like.

SPEAKER_03 15:54

No, seriously. Like, seriously, that's so cute. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:56

Okay, so you went to church camp four times.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

Church camp four times. Um, did the whole thing where it was like, oh, I thought I was saved, but I was like really just having a panic attack.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Um can we like sidebar about that for a second? Absolutely. We called it Cry Thursday when I was a camp counselor. I've heard this phenomenon. I was a camp counselor, and they were like, This is Cry Day, is Thursday. Think I was a victim. Where we try to do something, we create an emotional response from the children to make them confess their sins to God. And that's like why I gave my life to Jesus quote, or like became a Christian. Was because I was so scared of hell.

SPEAKER_03 16:29

Well, I was just scared of the like the ominous like music in the background, like the and I was like, oh my god, music can really make you feel a type of way. Insane.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

It's a powerful persuasive tool, and they knew what they were doing.

SPEAKER_03 16:43

And as soon as you go up there and you like do the whole thing, like you know, accept Jesus in your heart, whatever. That's what it sounds like. They literally pull your ass and they go, and then they start talking to you. They're like, So how did that feel?

SPEAKER_02 16:56

How did that feel?

SPEAKER_03 16:56

How was that for you?

SPEAKER_02 16:57

I mean, seriously. I remember the feeling of um pretending, like being so aware that I was like feeling like an imposter the whole time, being like, everyone's gonna know I'm lying. And then when I got older, probably 18, 19, I was like, Oh, everyone's lying. Oh everyone feels a little bit of disjunction with the way that we're believing and the way that we're acting.

SPEAKER_03 17:17

Yeah, no, you were just deconstructing.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

Yeah. When did you become disillusioned?

SPEAKER_03 17:21

It was after church camp, uh, in high school. I like as soon as I stopped going to church, I think it was like eighth grade, because I was like, oh, I'm gonna sleep in, like, this is so beat ass.

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Oh, and a huge reason not to go to church, by the way.

SPEAKER_03 17:31

I'm sleepy.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Your high school schedule is insane. You're going to school, you're going to student council, you're going to play your cello.

SPEAKER_03 17:37

I gotta get cello. I would played soccer too in high school, and it was just no, like. That's really gay.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

How do you feel about their lesbian breakup?

SPEAKER_03 17:44

Was it Oh my god, Megan Rapino?

SPEAKER_02 17:46

Can you share context for my there's some straight people that listen to this?

SPEAKER_03 17:50

So, hey guys, sorry for your sorry for your loss and being straight. Like, that's really tough. But Megan Rapino, she was actually a wing midfielder on the USW soccer team. Yes. Okay, so that's important. Yes. And she was dating Sue Bird, or they aren't weren't, they weren't married, or were they?

SPEAKER_02 18:05

I think maybe, or just like a very long-term relationship.

SPEAKER_03 18:07

If they were married, I apologize.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

Su bird tennis? No. Dragon. Basketball?

SPEAKER_03 18:12

Yes. Okay, incredible basketball player. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and they were just like really advocates for, you know, gays and women's sports. And I fell to my knees in the middle of my job. Yeah. Yeah. You had to go home.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

My girls just broke up. I have to take the day off. Okay, so you hate God. Tell me when it's I don't hate God.

SPEAKER_03 18:36

Um, I just don't believe in God as a hey him entity. I think we are God. Like the we're the universe experiencing the world, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 18:45

Absolutely. I love that every single person on this couch has said that.

SPEAKER_03 18:48

It's just like it can't be a him. No, gay people don't believe in he him god. I do know something like that. Like, have you met a man? Yeah. You you're telling me a man has created this.

SPEAKER_02 19:00

My favorite recent tweet I've seen is that Jesus is just an average woman. Like a sacrifice? Someone that does miracles creates life and sacrifices for those they love. It's just like every woman's life.

SPEAKER_03 19:13

Every day of a woman's life. Exactly. Every day.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

Like that's just sort of he's just a regular And what a man does, work. Like if that's just how every woman behaves, and we could worship women. I think we should worship women more. And as a lesbian, and and we do. Here's our religion. Celebrating lesbian visibility weakness.

SPEAKER_03 19:29

And you'd like to make a name for a religion and it's lesbianism.

SPEAKER_02 19:32

And see, you believe in lesbianism and not in the church. I believe in women. A lot.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

Like that's it.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

What's something that you used to believe that you don't believe anymore?

SPEAKER_03 19:43

Used to believe. Um, I feel like you're gonna resonate. Uh just laying the groundwork. Okay. Um, I used to believe really, really, really strongly that family over everything. Yeah. Like literally blood runs thicker than water.

SPEAKER_02 19:56

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

And I do still value family.

SPEAKER_02 19:58

Why do you think I would resonate with that?

SPEAKER_03 20:03

You know, nothing crazy. Uh-huh. Um, I just don't believe that's true. I don't think that's a ten tenement in my life anymore.

SPEAKER_04 20:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:12

Um, like they matter. Obviously, my family matters too.

SPEAKER_02 20:15

And I feel like you're really close to your family, too.

SPEAKER_03 20:16

I and I love my siblings, I love my parents. My parents support me in many ways. It's just not the most important thing anymore, and it shouldn't be. You have to be your own person. Like, that should be the utmost important thing is you.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

And then I think there's like a martyrdom that my family unit experienced of like, I'm gonna cut off my arm, I'm gonna like run myself dry, kill myself to make sure that every member of my family is appeased all the time. Yes. And it's so unhealthy. My family unit specifically, my ther my therapist uses the word enmeshed to describe like we all have a unit that has, I don't know, just like codependency, basically. My family unit was really codependent. Right. And it's been so refreshing to create our big gay friend group. Yes. And it's like everyone is their own people, everyone can stand on their own two feet, and then when we come together, we're so much more interesting and fun and lively, and like what do you okay? You said that you used to believe that and you don't anymore. Yeah. What shifted in you to make that change?

SPEAKER_03 21:14

That's a good question. I started therapy. Oh huge. I went to therapy. I was at a really, really hard time in grad school. I was having a hard time. I actually like sent myself to the ER because I thought I was having a blood clot in my leg. Panic attack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and so first of all, the first step I took was no more grace anatomy. Cut off. Because that's what set me there.

SPEAKER_02 21:35

My rule for myself, because I do have OCD and anxiety about health things specifically, is that if the symptom didn't occur And you told me this. If the symptom occurred just after I've heard about the disorder, it's not real.

SPEAKER_03 21:47

It's a good call.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

So if I watch something like Grace Anatomy and they're like, it's a brain bleed, she felt I always pop in her head and knows it's a brain bleed. Yeah. If 30 minutes later, I had never heard about that thing and I Wouldn't have associated with a brain bleed, I know it's not real.

SPEAKER_03 22:02

Yeah, no, that's a good call. I get migraines all the time, so I'm always thinking I'm having a ananeurism.

SPEAKER_02 22:06

Oh my god, my Matthew knows that I'm freaking the fuck out, OCD-wise. Yeah. When I start sticking my tongue out in public.

SPEAKER_03 22:12

Oh, when you do a stroke tip.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

I do a stroke check. I'll put both my arms out.

SPEAKER_03 22:16

Do you guys smell that?

SPEAKER_02 22:17

Is it toast? I'm cooking breakfast in the morning. I'm like, it smells like fucking toast.

SPEAKER_03 22:20

Do you smell that? No, yeah, yeah. No, I've done all that.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Putting both my arms out. Like seriously. In the bathroom, seeing if they're even, smiling really big, sticking my tongue out all the way.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

What if you drank some water?

SPEAKER_02 22:31

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 22:31

Yeah. So I was having a really rough time in grad school. That was like, oh, something has to change. Like something's wrong. Yeah. Um, and so I found a therapist online in Chicago, and she like specifically, like, like on her like resume was like four grad students, and I was like, let's do it. Cool. Like, that sounds great. And she was incredible. And I was like, nothing's wrong with me, but I sent myself to the ER, so I felt like I needed to come. And then we got into family stuff.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

That was cute.

SPEAKER_03 23:00

So it was about the other stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

I hate when they uncover layers.

SPEAKER_03 23:03

No, it pisses me off.

SPEAKER_02 23:04

I found out that my therapist is Polly this week.

SPEAKER_03 23:06

Incredible news. No, did you say congratulations?

SPEAKER_02 23:09

I said congrats, beautiful. I am not Polly personally.

SPEAKER_03 23:13

And me neither.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

There's people in my life that do Polly and they can do that. And I love that for you.

SPEAKER_03 23:18

You see that, Republicans? That's how you accept people. Yeah, I literally doesn't matter. I don't know what you're doing, but I also don't care. Literally doesn't matter. More people to hang out with.

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Like seriously. Can they build a bench? Can they mow my lawn? Are they tall? Can they reach high shelves? Can they clean my gutters? These are the things I care about when people bring their partners into my health. It's okay if you have multiple. Yes. I don't think I want to know that much about my therapist, though. She was telling me about a first date that she went on, and I was like, I don't think I don't think you're allowed to do that.

SPEAKER_03 23:43

Like from what I know, you're not supposed to.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

I think according to the code, subsection B.

SPEAKER_03 23:48

I do like when they share with me there is a boundary, obviously.

SPEAKER_02 23:51

I think it's different for every person, but I think I realized this week that that was my lie.

SPEAKER_03 23:54

Yeah, that's a good lie.

SPEAKER_02 23:55

It's like I don't want to know about it.

SPEAKER_03 23:57

Yeah. But I like happy for you. Love your polycule? I don't need to know about it.

SPEAKER_02 24:00

I love your polycule. I have my own to deal with.

SPEAKER_03 24:02

Hey, you can go be a polyamorous over there. Don't shove it down my throat.

SPEAKER_02 24:05

You know what I'm saying? Not around my fucking kids.

SPEAKER_03 24:07

Not like this is my salad.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Not in front of my salad. Oh, your family being in mesh.

SPEAKER_03 24:15

I don't have anything else. I mean, therapy helps. Moving out helped incredibly. Um, so we're doing better. I need to get back into therapy. I quit it when I was driving two hours to go to work, an hour there, an hour back, because I had like no time to do anything. So I need to find another therapist. So that's on my to-do list.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

We need to find you via this podcast, a girlfriend. Hey! Um, a hysterectomy surgeon. Yes. And a therapist. It could be all in the same, but probably shouldn't. Some really fascinating people are in my DM sometimes. We could find some cool people.

SPEAKER_03 24:43

So let me know.

SPEAKER_02 24:44

Oh my god. I got a fucking email last week that blew my mind. I should have sent this to you. Okay. Um, someone wrote Daddy God fanfic.

SPEAKER_03 24:53

Oh. It was everybody's so creative.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

I assume it was children, like probably like middle school, young, middle school age teenagers. Yeah. Sent me an email and they're like, to my business email, by the way. My I said, booking inquiries only, please email. What's your business email? Daddy God.com. Um what a teamhadabec at gmail.com if you want to work with me. Um, but it's my booking email. And these girls sent me an email to my booking email. And they're like, they're from Australia, and they're like, we love your Daddy God videos. We thought we would write our own Daddy God diary. Which is like they wrote their own entry of my diary. And they did a fake, like, do you have it on your phone? Okay. I have the diary entry. Dear Daddy God, today Avery took me to wash her car. It turned out that we weren't the ones doing an act of holy service by washing the car. Instead, there were shirtless hairy boys washing the vehicle.

SPEAKER_03 25:44

And that happens in America.

SPEAKER_02 25:46

I was not lured into temptation, Daddy God. I stayed strong. Avery, on the other hand, did not.

SPEAKER_03 25:53

Wait, they kind of have your voice. I know.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

They're like, like you guys should write these, I guess. She got three boys Snapchats. She's already doing streaks with two. Please help her find the right path. Please help her find the right path, Daddy God. Seriously. With one husband and many children. Amen. Only one. And then they drew a picture at the bottom and it says boys, Avery. And they drew Avery's on top of the car. But they wrote like slutty fanfiction about. Literally a heartlet on top of the car. They wrote slut fanfiction about my friend Avery.

SPEAKER_03 26:23

Oh my god. It's incredible.

SPEAKER_02 26:26

And I was like, insane to have someone write fanfic essentially about your own diary. They're like, what I wish would have happened.

SPEAKER_03 26:32

And they included characters in your real life. In your real life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They wrote that. That's a physical sheet of paper. You know you could copyright that?

SPEAKER_02 26:40

Uh-huh. They can. You can sue them. Okay. They're 12. Yeah. I don't have the. You send them a cease and desist. Okay, in the spirit of Daddy Got Diaries, I talk a lot online about embarrassing things that happened to me in high school. Do you have something you'd like to share with the class?

SPEAKER_03 26:57

Yeah, can it be middle school? Is that okay?

SPEAKER_02 26:58

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 26:59

Um, the most embarrassing thing that I've ever done in middle school. Um, this is when I still thought I was like straight, unfortunate. What'll happen to all of us? Um, I was shocking this kid, and we were over by his desk, and me and my friend were sitting on top of his desk. And my friend got up from the desk. Okay. Okay. I'm still sitting on the desk. The kid is in the desk. He's sitting in the desk, okay? He's sitting in the desk. This is essential for the story. He's sitting in the desk. I'm sitting on top of the desk. The desk completely collapses. No. Completely. Oh, and I mean the metal, the metal legs are bent like flattened like a pancake. Flatten like a pancake. Yes. He's in the desk. He's still sitting in the desk. He's on the ground. Does he get swished? Oh, he he was fine. But like, yeah, I mean, like, I'm sure it had to hurt. I get up and I'm like, I have to go. Like, I have to go.

SPEAKER_02 27:48

Was it a slow crush or was it a quick?

SPEAKER_03 27:51

It was a quick. It was fast. And I'm in eighth grade. Mind you, I'm in eighth grade. No. 15 and the double wide. I'm 15 in the double wide in eighth grade. I'm a girl on top of a desk. It collapses in front of my crush. No. But guess what? Yeah. He was valiant and he took the ball. He said, guys, I broke the desk. That's so sweet. That's so chivalrous. So I I only had one more hour of school, thank God, because I wanted to die and leave.

SPEAKER_02 28:17

Did he like you back? No.

SPEAKER_03 28:19

Yeah, wait.

SPEAKER_02 28:20

You had boy crushes. Oh yeah. What did boy now that you're out as a lesbian, what do you make of boy crushes?

SPEAKER_03 28:26

Um compet. Okay. Com compulsive headers.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

How would you describe the way that you were attracted to men at the time?

SPEAKER_03 28:32

Um, you ever like have you ever played a video game where you like um shoot people?

SPEAKER_02 28:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 28:40

And you like set your sights on someone?

SPEAKER_02 28:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

It's like locking in like that. I remember and then choosing. Exactly choosing. I did not realize that crushes were not controllable. I was like, he's cute. I'm gonna have him.

SPEAKER_02 28:53

I'm gonna cry so hard I throw up and my best friend gets a boyfriend, but I'm gonna scan the room and select based on creatures.

SPEAKER_03 29:01

My first boyfriend, it was from an orchestra. I locked in on him like that. I was like, you'll be mine. Gay now? No.

SPEAKER_02 29:07

Oh I don't think so. Okay, and that's fine. I would do like music boys, music theater boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Matthew. Yes. I love a gay man. In elementary school, this is embarrassing, and I don't know if this makes me look crazy. But I'm gonna say it. It's fine. My biggest crush was on a boy. I'm gonna change his name. Andrew. This boy was in my class, his name was Drew, and my best friend had a crush on Drew as well. And so I decided I was gonna have a crush on him too. Of course. To get closer to her. Um I decided I was.

SPEAKER_03 29:34

Did you know that at the time? No. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, but like, yeah. But like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:38

But like my parents, I can't Oh god. My parents got a new refrigerator.

SPEAKER_03 29:44

And this is essential together.

SPEAKER_02 29:45

And we had a refrigerator box in our garage, and we made a crush box where we like printed out photos of Drew on my family printer and put them in the refrigerator box. And I remember thinking, like, oh, I hope me suggesting, me a lesbian, being like, we should kiss in the refrigerator box.

SPEAKER_03 30:04

Oh, we should kiss my shrine to Drew. We should kiss in my Drew shrine. Oh my fucking God.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

And that won't be creepy and he'll really be actually flattered. He probably would be so flattered, and I don't know if he ever knows that we did that. We had out That is serial killer shit. I need you to know that I was going on his mom's Facebook.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

I was That's not a way that people crush on people.

SPEAKER_02 30:27

I was snippet tooling photos of him off his wallet. You weren't conducting research. You weren't crushing. Using the background remove tool on PowerPoint. Okay. No, you were cutting out images. Making, making a like a refrigerator box is a lot of surface area. And I swear to God, it was covered.

SPEAKER_01 30:43

I'm kind of scared.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

In photos of Drew. Drew. And then I was like, maybe I can kiss my best friend. Maybe she'll be like a little hot and heavy in the refrigerator box.

SPEAKER_03 30:53

Oh my god, I thought you wanted to kiss Drew in Drew's box. No, I wanted to kiss my best friend. No, I I want to kiss my best friend. Isn't this lovely? Doesn't Drew look really good in the moonlight?

SPEAKER_02 31:04

Doesn't this make you want to kiss someone? Me though, probably. Oh yeah. The plan, it was perfect. It was perfect.

unknown 31:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 31:13

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

So yeah, that's how you crush on men.

SPEAKER_02 31:16

That boy married Chloe. Oh, should we address it? We should address her. Oh okay. I was worried about this. Hey guys. This is Chloe. Chloe is not Diaries Chloe. But I Chloe is not her real name. The diaries Chloe.

SPEAKER_03 31:29

Who's my real name?

SPEAKER_02 31:30

This is my friend Chloe. That's her real given name.

SPEAKER_03 31:32

Hey.

SPEAKER_02 31:33

In my Daddy God Diaries, I talk about my first home erotic friendship with a girl named Chloe. I changed her name, obviously, for anonymity. Yes. But I named her after you. Yes. Like I texted you and I have a diary entry I'm gonna post online. Yes. Can I change the name to your name?

SPEAKER_03 31:47

And I didn't know it would blow up, and I thought it was hilarious. So I was like, yeah, that's funny.

SPEAKER_02 31:51

So this is not this is not Chloe's.

SPEAKER_03 31:52

So it's not like I am, but you get it.

SPEAKER_02 31:55

They get it. So I'm sorry for disappointing, but I hope you enjoy. I think the real ones know that that's not. I've I've said that it's not. No, it's not.

SPEAKER_03 32:01

So it's never been Chloe. But it anyway.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

But that boy I had a crush on in elementary school.

SPEAKER_03 32:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:06

It married her.

SPEAKER_03 32:08

Shout out. Shout out. Isn't that crazy? Drew and Chloe.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

Drew and Chloe forever. Both not. Also not his real name. But I had a refrigerator box for him and you and that box. Me and Box. You and Box. I love matchmade. Match made in heaven. Happy Lesbian Visibility Week.

SPEAKER_03 32:23

Like, seriously.

SPEAKER_02 32:23

Me and Box are a match made in heaven.

SPEAKER_03 32:25

Seriously.

SPEAKER_02 32:26

And I've always said that. Shout out. Stop. Oh my God. What were the signs that you were gay looking back that are very obvious now but were not at the time? Soccer.

SPEAKER_03 32:36

I was obsessed with soccer. Yeah. I was really good.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

Like I had a good time. Oh my bet. Um, my soccer was- Were you doing defense midfield?

SPEAKER_03 32:44

No, I was doing center mid. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. I mean the heartbeat of the whole team. I mean, seriously. Um, and I thought I was just obsessed with the sport. Honey, baby. Baby, you're obsessed with every teammate. You liked hanging out in the locker room. I said after practice. Oh my god, I just love my team.

SPEAKER_02 33:04

You think we could kiss in the refrigerator?

SPEAKER_03 33:07

Several homoerotic friendships came out of that.

SPEAKER_02 33:10

Can you tell us about one?

SPEAKER_03 33:11

Yeah, absolutely. Um, one of my best friends on the team, she played defense. Yeah, of course. Yeah, she doesn't know about this. We've never talked about this. So we were best friends, and things got complicated when we added a third friend into the trio.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

And that'll happen.

SPEAKER_03 33:26

And I was getting jealous. Yeah. And I was like, why am I getting so jealous? We're just friends. Maybe you weren't just friends. No. Maybe you weren't just friends. What? She was just friends with me. I wasn't feeling that.

SPEAKER_02 33:37

Do you remember anything you were jealous of?

SPEAKER_03 33:39

Oh, just like I when they would giggle without me. Laughing without me. Why are you laughing without me? Um why are you touching knees without me? Why are you guys like stop touching knees? Like, why are you guys sharing the bed when we like I don't want to be on the couch today? Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:53

Snuggling with high school friends was like a really fascinating thing that I had to process. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:58

Well, did any of your high school friends come out as gay? All of them. Yeah, no. When one goes and then the rest drop like flies, that's like how it goes. Yeah, but we were holding each other as photos. No, yeah. I, me and my one gay man friend, man friend in high school were all over each other. Also, I think there's something. Were you a theater kid? No, I wanted to. I was can I say I was jealous of you guys?

SPEAKER_02 34:19

And thank God someone said it. I love it. I was big theater kid and wasn't brave enough. And something about it, maybe it's just like a horny environment. Um, I think just being vulnerable with a large group of people is like a pretty horny space to be in when you're a teenager. It was such a touchy space. Like obviously there was sex happening, people were playing spin the bottle backstage, like very sexy stuff. Yeah. But aside from that, even in a friend way, like people were just like sitting on top of each other, yeah, absolutely holding each other, sitting on laps.

SPEAKER_03 34:47

Like well, you're creating a freaking movement. You're gonna have a live show. Bro, last night was a fucking I'm going to touch you after that.

SPEAKER_02 34:55

We just had a live performance. No, it's like it's like we have to hold hands, it's like high emotions. Seriously. It requires a lot of trust.

SPEAKER_03 35:02

I mean, I was only in the audience and I was like, I need to be back in that green room.

SPEAKER_02 35:04

I need to go back there on a get me there. Give me a kiss on the cheek. Like you guys didn't credible. So probably all of my first like physical touch experiences were in a theater context.

SPEAKER_03 35:14

Yeah, mine were in a soccer context. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:17

The pillars of the gay community. And then that's the two places lesbians can come from.

SPEAKER_03 35:21

Like, seriously. And like, I guess to also answer the next part of like the gayness was like media, you know, watching.

SPEAKER_02 35:27

You're a YouTube girl.

SPEAKER_03 35:28

Yes, I am.

SPEAKER_02 35:29

What were your assigned YouTubers at birth?

SPEAKER_03 35:31

My assigned YouTubers at birth, and I'm sorry, because they're not women. Is that gonna be okay? That's hey guys, it's gonna ruin my brand. Drew Gooden. I don't know who that is. Oh my god. Drew Gooden's so funny. These are like commentary YouTubers. Okay. Um, so like, yeah, they react to stuff and like mostly comment. Um, Curtis Connor, he's really funny. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 35:52

No.

SPEAKER_03 35:52

None, nothing, nothing?

SPEAKER_02 35:53

No.

SPEAKER_03 35:54

No idea.

SPEAKER_02 35:54

No. Next.

SPEAKER_03 35:56

They're all connected. Danny Gonzalez. Danny Gonzalez. Literally. My friend's comedy.

SPEAKER_02 36:00

I was gonna say, my friend performed with Danny Gonzalez a couple months ago.

SPEAKER_03 36:02

They're all funny. Um, I'm trying to think of oh, okay. I was really big into makeup YouTube. Yeah. Yeah. So Jackie Ina was a huge one for me. She taught me everything I know about makeup. Um fuck. Gor Nikki tutorials. Nikki tutorials.

SPEAKER_02 36:15

That was the first trans person I'd ever learned about.

SPEAKER_03 36:18

I was, and not to say like shocked like negative, like slash neg. Like shock slash pause.

SPEAKER_02 36:23

I want to see if you know this person. I've been binge watching Nicole Rafi.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_02 36:28

YouTube. Mm-mm.

SPEAKER_03 36:29

Sorry. What will she do?

SPEAKER_02 36:31

Commentary as well. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 36:33

Well then I'll video essays.

SPEAKER_02 36:34

A lot of pop culture, like the Chronically Online Girl Explains series is her. Okay, okay. Um, I'll send you some links.

SPEAKER_03 36:40

Oh yeah, no, definitely.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

And maybe instead of watching TSA Pat Downs at night, you can watch.

SPEAKER_03 36:44

No, that's not gonna happen. But some video essays. But thank you.

SPEAKER_02 36:47

Of course. Okay, next segment. Yes. Is what are you starting a cult for? Okay. Chloe, what are you starting a cult for?

SPEAKER_03 36:53

Hannah, I'm starting a cult for um this is a hard way and complicated way of saying it, and I'm gonna explain myself, but like Midwestern ways of showing love. Okay. This came from a family event that I went to, and I was feeling really appreciative of it. Yeah. So um, to explain further, like I'm from the Midwest, so this is what I know. So if it's similar to how it is where you are from, that makes sense because we are similar in culture in the United States. But um, it's like I went to my uncle's 60s birth 60th birthday party the other weekend, and at the end of the party, everyone was just talking and laughing and giggling. There was two people playing guitar, and one guy was singing. I forget what they were playing, it was some cover rock band songs. It was so cute. Yeah. And my little nephew was riding around in his tricycle just around the gathering area, and all the men were inside drinking whiskey and toasting. Okay, so we were at an Elks Club, and they were toasting two deep Elks Club members that it passed away at 11:30. It's like a tradition. Okay. And this was all happening at the same time. Yeah. And like, and people who were leaving were taking to go boxes of the food that was at the park. When you fill your Tupperware with the like leftovers, like Tupperware at the leftovers, like, and I was just like, this is really sweet and special, and it carries over to a lot of events we do we do and like have for our friends. And just like that happens at grad parties, that happens at birthday parties. That happened last night at your birthday party. Like, we had pizza, yeah, and like music and just hanging out, and like it's I think sharing food specifically. Sharing food. The food got me when everyone got their to-go box. I was like, I'm going to start sobbing. I look cute.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

Hosting a meal at our house and then sending people home with leftovers is the best feeling in the world. It feels like I'm fulfilling my Midwestern.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

Like, seriously.

SPEAKER_02 38:32

What's your favorite Midwest food?

SPEAKER_03 38:33

I really love a pork um pork tenderloin sandwich.

SPEAKER_02 38:37

Classic.

SPEAKER_03 38:38

I love green bean casserole.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

I don't know if that's Midwestern. Really good. How about you? What should you do? Um, anything with corn. I love corn is my favorite food. Cornbread casserole. I love. Ooh, okay. Um little smokies. Little smokies. The little tiny ween, the little tiny wieners. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mini hot dogs in a hot dog.

SPEAKER_03 38:54

Or like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:56

Either mini hot dogs or meatballs in a crock pot. Yes, with the jelly. Barbecue and grape jelly.

unknown 39:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 39:01

So good.

SPEAKER_03 39:02

No, and so good. And like you go to a Super Bowl party and that's gonna be in the crock pot.

SPEAKER_02 39:05

Any vegetable that's bacon wrap.

SPEAKER_03 39:07

Like, seriously. And it's just like Artichoke, Brussels sprouts, community and togetherness, and I'm starting cool for that. It's incredible. Thank God.

SPEAKER_02 39:15

I love the Midwest. Community Potlook. We should do that.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

We should do that. And also, you should go on the Amtrak and ride up to your friends for her birthday party and listen to the no con album and just think about the Midwest where you grew up.

SPEAKER_02 39:26

Not based on anything.

SPEAKER_03 39:27

Because you will shed a tear.

SPEAKER_02 39:28

Yeah. Yeah. Anytime I'm on any form of transportation on a long trip, I cry.

SPEAKER_03 39:33

Well, and you have to do the music video thing of looking out the window like this.

SPEAKER_02 39:36

I'm on a plane and I'm listening to Vienna by Billy Joel and I'm like it's all fucking changing.

SPEAKER_03 39:43

Growing up.

SPEAKER_02 39:44

I go, this is what it's all about.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

This is you.

SPEAKER_02 39:48

I'm putting my hand on the frosted glasses. No, seriously.

SPEAKER_03 39:50

Yes. Yes. No, it was incredible.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

What am I starting a cult for? What did I say in the car? Oh, CDs.

SPEAKER_03 39:56

Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_02 39:57

Albums. Albums. I'm starting a cult for albums. Yes. I am a CD girl.

SPEAKER_03 40:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 40:02

If you know this about me, I deleted my Spotify.

SPEAKER_03 40:04

This is new information for me, but I'm glad to hear it.

SPEAKER_02 40:06

I deleted my streaming music services.

SPEAKER_03 40:08

I didn't know that even a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 40:10

I did. I just I have some like ethical concerns. I'm totally okay with other people doing whatever the fuck they want to do, but just for me personally, I feel like I had been consuming so much media without forethought. Yeah. And so I'm trying to do like a 90s vibe of con 80s, 90s vibe of the city. Oh, physical media is hot. Physical media is hot. So I had a big CD collection as a kid, and I'm trying I'm starting to like revamp my CD collection. And I'm realizing that what I love the most about an album is the thoughtful order that the songs are put in. Like the order of the music is part of the art.

SPEAKER_03 40:43

Literally.

SPEAKER_02 40:44

In addition to the actual songs. So when people do like a performance, I don't know, like um Slater had an album come out recently that's a video album.

SPEAKER_03 40:51

It's funny because Caitlin was like, Do you know Slater last night? And I was like, No. And she's from St. Louis.

SPEAKER_02 40:56

She showed me. Um, but it's a video album. It's basically like a movie put together with all these songs, and the order is so thought out. Um Ray had an album come out that was in split into seasons, like the order of the album is so thoughtful and beautiful. Have you listened to Ray's album? So good. Yeah. Okay. Cowboy Carter. Yes. One of the most beautifully constructed albums of all time.

SPEAKER_03 41:15

I listened to that on the train too.

SPEAKER_02 41:16

Exactly, but like the order of it is part of why it's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_03 41:20

I mean, it flows in like it like literally like a waterfall trickles into each other.

SPEAKER_02 41:23

Exactly. It's incredible. And I think I love the feeling of like when one song is over, feeling the next one coming. Yes because you've memorized the album. Yes. And I miss that from being younger. And I feel like I'm I miss consuming media that way. So I'm trying to do it more. And it reminds me so much of stand-up comedy because I consume a lot of stand-up comedy, as I assume most of you do, via Instagram clips, tick TikTok clips. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I think there's something so beautiful about someone's comedy special or like an hour of comedy. Oh god, yeah. And then it was so thoughtfully constructed.

SPEAKER_03 41:51

Yes. Have you seen Maggie Winters?

SPEAKER_02 41:52

I was just about to fucking say. Hers is so good. Maggie Winters is the one that I was thinking of. I put so much thought in that. I texted her this week and I was like, I like was me when I text Maggie Winters. Maggie Winters. Um, but I I was like, the thing I love the most about this is how thoughtfully constructed it was.

SPEAKER_03 42:07

Like she started in her bed. She started in her bed. It's like did a whole like theater performance.

SPEAKER_02 42:11

Fucking one-woman show. Same thing. Incredible. Gianmarco Ceresi's. Oh, I need to watch. I haven't watched. He's so funny. Of how thoughtfully one joke flows into another. And I think that with the the way that we consume media, whether it be like watching Young Sheldon and 10 second clips on TikTok or watching short or watching Love Island, um, Fruit Island.

SPEAKER_03 42:30

Yeah, Fruit Island.

SPEAKER_02 42:31

But like every piece of media we consume, we've cut it down into these little chunks. Seriously. And I think we've forgotten that it's the transitions between like the art as a whole that is the spaces between are beautiful. And so I'm starting a cult for albums, whether that be comedy or music, but like any way that you can consume art um that is like thoughtfully constructed. Yeah. I'm starting a cult for that.

SPEAKER_03 42:51

Well, I have to pose this question what are your no-skip albums?

SPEAKER_02 42:54

Cowboy Carter.

SPEAKER_03 42:55

Cowboy Carter, of course.

SPEAKER_02 42:56

It's mostly Beyonce.

SPEAKER_03 42:57

That's fine. Beyonce's an incredible artist.

SPEAKER_02 42:59

So good. Um I really like I've been listening to Lemonade lately, but I think it's just Daddy Lessons.

SPEAKER_03 43:06

You Daddy Lessons. And I'm sorry, country music listeners. My favorite country music song in the world. It's so good. And so good.

SPEAKER_02 43:13

Obviously, country music.

SPEAKER_03 43:15

Yeah. Shut up. Don't like, come on.

SPEAKER_02 43:17

Yes. It's fantastic. It's country music. Yes. Um this is okay. I think this is controversial, but most, if not all, of Ed Sheeran's albums are very No. No, and you can laugh.

SPEAKER_03 43:29

No, that's fine. My voice cracking when I say that's fine.

SPEAKER_02 43:32

Specifically, Divide. Divide's really good. Really well constructed, really good. Very thoughtfully.

SPEAKER_03 43:37

Hey, I went to that tour and I was third row.

SPEAKER_02 43:38

Yeah, and it probably rocked. It was really everyone laughs at me when I say that Ed Sheeran is fantastic, and I don't know why. If if he was hot, no one would say that. Okay. If he was hot, you would not be fucking talking to me right now.

SPEAKER_03 43:49

I just like maybe disagree in the fact that his songs are a little cringy, but I also disagree in my own argument because I think to be cringe is to be free. But he is also a little bit ugly. But aren't we all?

SPEAKER_02 44:03

I love you, Ed. Ed, if you want to come on the pod. Legs don't work like they used to before. I was gonna say scars to your beautiful, but not Ed Sharon. I did an a cappella, scars to your beautiful, in high school, and I beatboxed. What how old were you? 16, 17.

SPEAKER_03 44:23

And that got you front?

SPEAKER_02 44:25

No, because I'm not sure. Are you wearing your shirt yet? Yes, yes. I found old pictures of my old t-shirts the other day, and I had one that said, you mustache me about Jesus with a mustache in the middle. And then, oh my god. I'm gonna see if I can put a picture of it on the screen if I find it. Um, me and Jesus are tighter than a pair of skinny jeans. Also, that's when I became friends with Matthew. I'm gonna say I like I look back.

SPEAKER_03 44:52

He said, I'm gonna see through this. Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 44:53

I was just quoting Matthew off the screen. Just said, I put I saw what did you say?

unknown 44:57

I saw the sculpture in the marble.

SPEAKER_02 44:59

I saw the sculpture in the marble.

SPEAKER_03 45:00

He did.

SPEAKER_02 45:01

I'm gonna shed a tear. That's beautiful. No, looking back, I have to think there was something cosmic about the way that we met because you guys are married and in love. All of the circumstances had to have aligned for me to meet this gay guy and have him.

SPEAKER_03 45:12

Well, think about that for anyone in your life.

SPEAKER_02 45:15

That's so beautiful. Think about that with you. Makes me so grateful. My first impression of you, or no?

SPEAKER_03 45:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:21

You showed up at Bar Trivia. I'm scared. I had like seen you in passing at parties, but when you and I did the same thing on campus.

SPEAKER_03 45:26

I'm like, oh, I know her. She's from TikTok.

SPEAKER_02 45:28

She's I I would say you're friends with my friend Avery. Like, I like knew about you. Um, but then you came to Bar Trivia after we had graduated, and we were all about to kill ourselves. Like, everyone.

SPEAKER_03 45:40

Oh my it was a bad time. I mean, well, it's post-grad. Well, I think being 23 is the worst thing that can happen to a person.

SPEAKER_02 45:46

It's really rough. We were 23, and you show up to Bar Trivia, and Matthew and I, the whole way home, we're like, that's the funniest bitch I've ever met in my life. She she looks really sad. Yeah. But that's the funniest bitch I've ever met in my life.

SPEAKER_03 46:00

Yeah, we all have really sad sometimes, but it can still be funny.

SPEAKER_02 46:03

It's beautiful that we met each other at our lowest because we were Um to be truthful, not my lowest. Really? What was your bad year?

SPEAKER_03 46:09

Uh freshman year of university.

SPEAKER_02 46:11

Yeah, my 18, 19 was bleak. Yeah. And then 23 sort of like was a second round. It wasn't 23 was not nearly as bad as my freshman year. But I think there's something about feeling how can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22? Right. Precisely. Right. That's just how it feels. My next segment is called Forgive Me But. Okay. And it's my hot take segment, and you're gonna say forgive me butt, and then share maybe an opinion that you have.

SPEAKER_03 46:35

Forgive me, but your dog shouldn't be off a leash. Can I say that?

SPEAKER_02 46:39

Okay, classic.

SPEAKER_03 46:40

I have a dog. His name is Winston. He's perfect. Photo. Um, photo. He's not perfect. He does have a lot of like issues. Um, he has to be on a leash because I'm worried about how he behaves with other dogs. He's usually fine, right?

SPEAKER_04 46:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:52

But like whenever I go to walk him or whatever, there was one time there was a brand new puppy who needed socialization. Put him on a leash.

SPEAKER_02 47:00

I think there's like general safety procedures that probably, if you have an animal, are not only for your safety, but for their safety. It's for everyone's safety, including your dog. If I think there's a sense of I have I don't think I have a take on this. That's okay. You don't have a dog. I know nothing about this.

SPEAKER_03 47:15

That's okay.

SPEAKER_02 47:16

You tell me more, BB.

SPEAKER_03 47:17

I do because I have a dog and my dog has some social issues. He's lovely with humans. Some men he gets scared of. You have the most anxious dog I've ever been in my life. Insert nervous picture. Oh, it's all of them. It's all of them. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 47:30

Do you remember when you got him in you had a dorm dog? Dorm puppy?

SPEAKER_03 47:33

He was at Waterson Towers.

SPEAKER_02 47:34

Was he your don't kill yourself dog?

SPEAKER_03 47:36

Yes. And everyone has to. And remember that really dark time I was talking about?

SPEAKER_02 47:41

Yeah. Yeah, my band-aid. And we had to get a don't kill yourself dog. They said, Hey, can you get out of bed? And guess what? You didn't. You didn't kill yourself. I didn't never kill yourself. And now Winston is how old? He's six. Yeah. So. He was three months old when I got him. Congrats, girl. I look back. I got Frankie this year, my cat, and I look back at my darkest hour, and I'm like, it would have been so much better had I had a little guy.

SPEAKER_03 48:02

Well, when I was depressed and taking seven-hour naps, not naps, by the way, those are sleeps. Those are just sort of nighttime. You're going to bed. You did this at 4 p.m. during the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, when Winston would be like, hey, have to pee. You have to get up. And you have to go, and people would talk to me because they'd want to see the dog.

SPEAKER_02 48:18

And you were actually the one getting socialized.

SPEAKER_03 48:21

Yes. Wow. And it really helped. I'm so happy you have him. Yeah, me too. I love him. Forgive me, but put your s on the leash. It's for everyone's safety. Don't be stupid.

SPEAKER_02 48:30

Do I have a forgive me bot? Do you have one? What's my forgive me bot? What's yours? I don't know if I have one. Oh. Forgive me but snail mail.

unknown 48:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 48:39

Forgive me but write letters to your friends. Yeah. I think it's such an intimate, like sort of like an act of service. Like you're sitting down, spending time handwriting a note. Pen to paper. And I'm trying to do this new thing where every month I send my birthday cards in batches. Because I was getting overwhelmed with birthday notes. So now I'll do like April birthdays. Like texting? Yeah. Okay. And so now I'm doing sending April birthdays. Everyone's getting their cards at once. Okay. For May, it's like graduations at birthdays. I'm sending out a batch of May. Like happy birthday month. Yeah. Cards. And it's a lot more sustainable for me personally. Um, just because like remembering all the dates is getting kind of tough for my little ADHD brain. Yeah. But I have loved getting letters from my friends for my birthday. It's so like sweet and genuine. And also using the mail service helps the people that are running it know that it's being utilized, I think.

SPEAKER_03 49:26

It's all about data and utilization numbers to keep funding going. Same with public libraries. Library cards. Like seriously. So yeah, you do have to use the mail to get it more funding.

SPEAKER_02 49:36

Love. Oh my gosh. Okay, my last segment today is gonna be roses and thorns. Okay. Chloe? Yeah. What's your rose for the week?

SPEAKER_03 49:42

My rose is your birthday party. That's incredible.

SPEAKER_02 49:44

It was fun. It was a lot of fun. We had a photo booth, which was really fun.

SPEAKER_03 49:48

Photo booth was silly and fun. It was in a little closet. Nobody kissed in there except for couples.

SPEAKER_02 49:54

Yeah, that'd be yeah, no one kissed in there. You kissed in there? Who'd you kiss? I'll tell you later. Okay. Who do you think I kissed?

SPEAKER_03 50:02

I don't know. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 50:05

I kissed in the photo booth. Okay, well, some of us didn't. Rose is Hannah's birthday. Yeah. That rocks. Yeah. That's definitely my highlight of my week. Second one. Oh. This is a horrendous rose for the week. I worked out.

SPEAKER_03 50:16

Dorn you mean or no, it's a rose. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 50:18

I worked out three times.

SPEAKER_03 50:20

And you felt better.

SPEAKER_02 50:21

I felt better. Damn. I lifted my little weights. I put them back down.

SPEAKER_03 50:27

Your bone density.

SPEAKER_02 50:28

And I didn't feel as sad after.

SPEAKER_03 50:30

Yeah. I hate it when that works.

SPEAKER_02 50:33

It sucks so bad. It makes me so mad. I literally, this week, I worked out three times and I ate vegetables every day. And I went up to Matthew and I said, it feels kind of like I took an antidepressant.

SPEAKER_03 50:42

It literally is a dopamine shot. It is, and it's annoying. Which is rude. Oh, it's a horrific rose. It's awful.

SPEAKER_02 50:48

I'm like, what was your thorn? My thorn. Did anything bad happen this week?

unknown 50:53

That's a good week.

SPEAKER_02 50:54

Can I do a weirdly earnest one? I might cut it if it's too. Don't want to be too serious. Okay. Don't want to ruin the vibes. Um, my birthday was also a thorn. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:03

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 51:03

Because it's a bad, hard date for me. Why? Because the last time I spoke to my parents was my birthday.

SPEAKER_03 51:09

You're kidding.

SPEAKER_02 51:09

So it was five years this year of no contact. And most of the day was kind of sucked. Like I did a little crying, I did a little journaling. Absolutely. And I'm not, it's very okay that I felt those feelings. Very natural to feel those sense.

SPEAKER_03 51:22

Oh my god, it's a huge big ball of grief to lose your parents.

SPEAKER_02 51:25

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was just a it was big swings emotionally of like most of the during the day I was pretty bummed out.

SPEAKER_03 51:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:31

And then nighttime, party time. Nighttime, you gotta ramp it right back up. Exactly. So that was a party.

SPEAKER_03 51:36

That was probably my thorn. Yeah, I get it.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

What are your goals right now?

SPEAKER_03 51:39

Are you working on it? Beautiful. I hope that happens for you. Thank you. I need to get like furnishings for my house.

SPEAKER_02 51:48

You have a beautiful gay house.

SPEAKER_03 51:50

And I want to make it beautiful and more gay. So I'm like really hunting Facebook Marketplace and like trying to find pieces because there's a lot of blank walls and I don't have a guest bedroom.

SPEAKER_02 51:57

I love gay bitches that have a green couch, a Tiffany lamp, and a handmade quilt.

SPEAKER_03 52:02

Yeah, and look around. It's in here. Right. Right. Right. Um, so I'm like kind of wanting to do that. And I want to be a good aunt. I have a little niece on the way. Oh, I'm so excited. So I'm hopeful to be nice to her. What are your goals? Oh, can I ask you that? You can ask me back.

SPEAKER_02 52:17

What are you doing? No, this can be your podcast. It's fucking good. And I'm taking over. I actually set some goals for my next year of life, which is really fun. So I'll let you know on those goals. Um would love to head, of course. You want to do head? Get oh, to get get give head would be in general. Um I want to be massive amounts of wealth and fame. No kidding. Yes. I want to work on making long form YouTube content. Yes. That's coming soon that I'm excited about. I want to travel, I want to finish my hour of stand-up this year, do a show in Chicago, and then travel with it. So be able to start traveling and have people come to see me do something. That'll be incredible. If you want to see that, join my mailing list, please, at hannabetcomedy.com. No spam.

SPEAKER_03 53:01

Only business.

SPEAKER_02 53:02

Only business. I'll text you when I'm in your city. Seriously. Um, so that's a big goal of mine. And then generally, life-wise, I think I need to achieve a state of balance in the way that I do routines. Like I I think I'll I do do do this classic womanhood thing where I think I'm gonna change my whole life overnight. And I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna go from being this messy ADHD, so disorganized person to someone that keeps a multi-tab calendar, makes my bed every day, does like a seven-step skincare routine, eats the most healthy anyone ever has, does Pilates six days a week, and it's like I always get so burnt out.

SPEAKER_03 53:41

Well, when you flip a switch that fast, exactly right, you're gonna burn the fuse.

SPEAKER_02 53:45

You know what I'm saying? So I'm trying to achieve I'm trying to, for the first time in my life, improve myself gradually. Yeah. Like not set that crazy high standard of if you don't, if you're not capable of making yourself 100% different overnight, you're bad. Like that's not a helpful. No, that's just your brain. I know. I know. Isn't that crazy? Wow, this was weirdly earnest of a I know. I love it. Ugh. I'm obsessed with it. Guys, I'm funny, I swear. Thank you for being on my couch. Shout out, thanks for having me. I love you so bad.

SPEAKER_03 54:11

Get a public library card. I'm serious. Get a library card. Not kidding. Well, love you bye. Love you.