Let's talk about Boundaries Episode 3

Let's talk about Boundaries in the ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) Boundaries is not rules its an agreement with your partner.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, and welcome to episode three of Modernly Faithful Ethical Non Monogamy with Couples. And here with me, I've got Miss G. Hello, everyone. And of course, we've got Stevie John and my twinsie.

SPEAKER_05 0:15

Hello, hello.

SPEAKER_02 0:16

Hello, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

How have you guys been enjoying the different series? I love that we've finally been able to get these out. And please reach out to us, send us your feedback. We'd love to know if this is helping, if you're enjoying them, what topics you would like us to cover. Today we're actually gonna touch on a major topic, which is boundaries. How to set them, how to respect them, and how to create structure around them. Because boundaries are this it's this big word that can mean a million things, and sometimes boundaries can go out the door and out the window and out every hole you can find. And now you find yourself, now you're finding yourself in a little bit of a pickle. No pun intended.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

I love pickles. They are good. Pickles are good.

SPEAKER_00 1:20

Okay. Nonetheless, but we so we'll start a little bit with just talking some fundamental uh principles around boundaries, right? So boundaries are agreements, not rules. They're agreements that we make with one another as a couple, as well as with whomever we choose to engage in any type of play or relationship with. We have boundaries and all kinds of relationships, not just ethical non-monogamy relationships, but husband and wife, with our children, with our parents, with coworkers. I mean, the list of boundaries can go on and on. So ultimately, if we don't identify them as the boundaries, then sometimes they can get a little washed and a little neglected, and then that could leave us a little misunderstood or uncared for or unprotected. So, again, boundaries are agreements, not rules. They're designed to keep us to keep everyone safe as well as uh to not necessarily control one another, but to understand one another. Consent is ongoing. What's okay, what's not okay, that may shift today from tomorrow. Uh again, this is one of those times where we, if we break a boundary, it's because it shifted and it potentially shifted because of the spur of the moment, because of who we potentially were with. So there's a lot of different reasons why a boundary could have shifted, could have changed. So again, we must learn to have that conversation and communicate about that. And again, transparency, right? Transparency helps us build trust with one another. Uh, and again, it's not an assumption of boundaries, it's not an assumption of a relationship, but really set forth intentions that are designed to help keep us safe. Now, let's talk about how when we do set a boundary, we end up breaking that boundary. What happens then? And I'll I'll speak about our experience a little bit. Um, you know, we our boundaries our boundary. We were super adamant about who we wanted to be in the lifestyle as we were approaching the lifestyle for the very first time. Now, we had been in a relationship with a single female for many years, uh, more of a polyamorous relationship. I think I've spoken about this in the past. Uh, but ultimately, we when we learned about the lifestyle, there was a lot more than just an individual playmate, potentially several playmates. We said, okay, well, we learned about boundary setting. We wanted to decide and have the conversation about what our boundaries were gonna be. And on the very first night, we went out on a date with this, like kind of mid couple.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Mid? What do you mean mid?

SPEAKER_00 4:32

I'm not gonna mention any names, but uh do you know who they're talking about, babe? It's gotta be somebody else. It's gotta be, it's gotta be. And um, you know, long story short, we end up going back to their place, and our one boundary was that we were not going to sleep with anybody or play with anybody.

SPEAKER_03 4:52

We're just gonna meet them. We're not gonna do anything.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

That's the first date. We're not those kind of hoes. We're just gonna be super like chill, see if we vibe, and then if it works out, we'll schedule a second date. Wait, does anybody say sleep with them anymore? Because we're not actually sleeping.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

No, I mean we're not.

SPEAKER_05 5:12

Um it depends, I guess, who how whoever's lingo and how they use it, yeah. Does that make me old?

SPEAKER_02 5:19

I guess we're old. Netflix and chill.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Yeah, we're not we're not gonna say sleep with someone because Netflix and chill, but we're not sleeping. As far as I remember, nobody's sleeping. I only sleep with you, we're I only sleep with you, actually. No, that's not true. We've slept with you guys one time. Kind of slept a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 5:37

Yeah, I guess you're right.

SPEAKER_02 5:38

I guess you're right.

SPEAKER_00 5:39

Because you guys are like um you guys you guys do the five second rules. Five seconds and you're out. Yeah. Five second and you're out. Like all you get with um with them is five seconds and then they fall asleep. They wake up really early. Anyway, anyways. So, long story short, we um we go from the bar to quote unquote play games. Um don't fall for it, guys. Uh, to go play games at their house, and before we know it, there we are, naked and taking our clothes off and end up naked in a playful situation. Now we knew as, and I think there was a little nervous on my part, because I wasn't sure if my wife was comfortable with it, because clearly here we are naked, and we had decided that this was our boundary and we were not gonna break it. And of course, um, the two individuals that we were playing with didn't know about our boundaries um because we didn't never disclose that particular boundary.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

That is true. If you had told us, we would have been like, okay, like we respect that, you know, there's there's always next time. Yeah, we can always like talk some more and get to know each other more.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

We don't know. Um, but nonetheless, uh we you know, after that playful experience, of course, now we're on the drive home figuring out who's the big hoe here? Is it you or me? Who broke this boundary first? How did we get here, right?

SPEAKER_03 7:07

Um we're doing this together.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Yes, this is a group activity. I just want to I just want to point out that this is my wife's favorite line. We're doing this together.

SPEAKER_04 7:19

Because we are together. So we're we're dating together.

SPEAKER_00 7:24

Yes. Most importantly, we realized then, like, hey, does this mean we can't be trusted with our boundaries? Like, whatever boundary we set. Again, when we go back to the transparency piece, right? We set this boundary together and we broke it on the first night. Now, I just want to clarify that we've not broken the boundary since. It was a fluke, and it will never happen again. You know what?

SPEAKER_05 7:53

Good question is on the drive to whomever house this may be, what was the conversation?

SPEAKER_00 8:00

Well, you guys were in our car, so we couldn't talk.

SPEAKER_05 8:03

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

Uh you guys were in our car and Ubered and we're like, oh well, we're not. I remember correctly. If my memory serves me correct, uh, I remember driving and my twin just fondling my wife from the back seat of the car. Sounds about right. Yeah, that seems about right.

SPEAKER_02 8:26

Yep, sound like me.

SPEAKER_00 8:28

Yep. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:30

So I was like, oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:31

Hello? Hi. So, but most importantly, it was the conversation afterwards that was the most important, right? It's because we wanted to make sure that there was no finger pointing or blaming.

SPEAKER_03 8:46

No, I think we kind of got out of there, like, what just happened?

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Like, what did we what did we just do? What did we just do?

unknown 8:52

What?

SPEAKER_00 8:53

Like, I mean, at least we didn't die, but could we could have died in there? We didn't even know who these people were. And so it was that part was the conversation, but the other part was like, okay, well, we clearly did not uphold our boundary. And then, of course, we had the conversation as to what potentially led to that. Like, were we both vibing? Were we both feeling it? Therefore, we felt comfortable enough. And then, of course, the conversation was had one of us not felt comfortable, would we have spoken up and said, Hey, I'm not ready. Um, and so do we trust each other to be able to say that while we're in front of other people? Because here's the thing some of us in this planet are people pleasers, and so we tend to be both my wife and I tend to be people pleasers, and so we're like, well, we don't want anyone to feel bad. We don't want anybody to like. So, is it is it do we do that because of that? Do we do it because we really enjoyed the energy, the company, the people that we were with? Um, so those were the conversations that we had. And for us, it was super important not to choose a person to blame. This wasn't my wife's fault, this wasn't my fault. We could have potentially blamed Stevie John and our twin. Um, but but it wasn't there for all either, right? It was about it was us who made the decision to to keep going and to to proceed to play. Uh so what's your take on that a little bit?

SPEAKER_03 10:32

My take on it. Yeah. Well, I mean, we did talk about it, and like you said, we haven't done it ever since. I think you know, you learn from your mistakes. So I guess that's my take on it. You learn from your mistakes, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

Are you saying we're a mistake?

SPEAKER_03 10:47

No, but a tragedy. Our action was a mistake, not you guys.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

Yeah, and it wasn't really a mistake. So I I guess that's my point. My point is when we when we talked about uh shifting, right? That consent or that boundary shifted at that moment. That's exactly the conversation is we had a boundary, we had established a boundary, we met these pretty interesting individuals. We thought, you know, there was there was a lot of commonalities that made us feel safe ultimately. The birthdays, the um I mean the vibe was there, right?

SPEAKER_03 11:27

You know, it's just we didn't we we didn't keep our boundary that we set for to ourselves. We shifted our boundary, yeah. Right.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

We shifted our boundary because we felt safe in that environment. So so learn to recognize when the boundary is shifting. Uh, I think also to talk about boundary a little bit. Uh, outside of that one that we had, we originally had a boundary that we felt was important at the beginning of this uh journey in in the lifestyle, which was no making out with other partners. And we learned early on that well, that kind of takes away the fun for us. Uh, we are very passionate people and we we actually enjoy that component very much. So we realized that that didn't have to be a boundary for us because as we continue to navigate that with the right partner, it was an enjoyable uh practice or act that we've had the opportunity to explore. It doesn't take away from us, actually, it enhances the experience. So again, this isn't an everybody thing, so don't come make out with us if you see us. Uh this is on a case-by-case basis.

SPEAKER_03 12:54

Yeah, it has to, it has to feel right, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Like it's not it has to be the right people, it has to be right the right energy. But it we've realized that it's no longer one of our boundaries. We don't have it as a set rule, right? Um, because it's not one that it's not one that we feel is detrimental to our relationship. Again, a boundary is there to help you be safe, stay safe, uh, and keep the integrity of your relationship safe. And only you can decide what that is. You as a couple, and even sometimes you as an individual, you get to state what you would like to see happen and share that with your partner, and then together you create boundaries of your own. So originally, as I mentioned, that was one of our boundaries, and we have since modified that boundary on a case-by-case basis. Yes. What do you guys have in regards to boundaries that you've learned maybe have shifted or maybe have added over the course of the 40 years you guys have been in the lifestyle?

SPEAKER_02 14:03

We're not that old guys. Come on.

SPEAKER_05 14:06

No, I think uh how you said it was kind of initially we've had our conversation, like, hey, this, this, this, this, but things, you know, do evolve and change, like you're saying, like, you know, like, oh, you know, I think it'd be hot if you did this. I think you'd I'd enjoy this. So it's that conversation that you have to kind of press those boundaries. And then sometimes, like, oh, I think this would be nice. Oh, well, she's like, Well, I I wouldn't like that, I wouldn't enjoy that. So we know that that's still a boundary in place.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

So well said. Well said.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

A woman of many words, guys. A woman of many words. She's all mine. So again, I what I it's super important to be able to communicate and clarify your boundaries first and foremost to yourself. I always you're always gonna find me go back to that because so I believe I've shared this already in episode one, but my background is in mental health. For many years, I was a marriage and family therapist, and working with mental health has given you the capacity to learn how most of everything that goes on in our story, if not everything that goes on in our story, is always self-reflective. So when I talk about learning to communicate, a part of that learning experience is learning to communicate with yourself. What is it that I feel comfortable with? What is it that I would like to see? What is it that turns me on? And oftentimes we listen to our partner or we can identify what that does that for our partners, and so we start to kind of create one-sided uh, you know, preferences. So when we don't learn to acknowledge what it is that we like for ourselves, we oftentimes neglect to voice them. So always do a self-reflection first. What is it that I like? What is it that I don't like, and what is it that I care to witness or not witness? And once you've identified that for self, then learn to communicate that with your partner so that he or she can also do the same. And once you've both communicated these likes and dislikes, then together you can come up with a list or set of boundaries that will ultimately help keep your relationship safe. Those are super, super important pieces to understand and to to witness, right? So state your needs clearly. I feel comfortable with blank, but I don't feel comfortable with blank. So what is that? And do all the partners that you potentially play with know that about what you feel comfortable with and what you don't feel comfortable with. Like we can't just assume another assumption that happens a lot in the lifestyle is that all the women in the lifestyle are bi. That is a boundary that we don't always take the time to investigate. Some women feel, and I've had a conversation recently, like women just think that because you're in the lifestyle, you must be by too as a woman. And there are straight women in the lifestyle, believe it or not, guys. So, you know, females, I understand sometimes a lot of the boundary conversations are directly towards men. Um, but really, even females in this setting, like, hey, ask the question Are you do you like women? Are you into women? Can I touch? Can I kiss you? Can I whatever it is that you want to do? Let's keep it, let's keep it, let's keep it G-rated, guys. Let's not just assume. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:04

You know, some of those boundaries come up like spur of the moment. Like you'll be in the moment when that question comes up, or like, are you comfortable with this? We we've experienced that too. Like, oh, well, are you guys okay with this? And and we do like to ask and make sure, like, because we we care about other people's boundaries. We're not, you know, we're not we're not animals.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

I know we're not like a rape them. I don't know about that, but I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_00 18:29

It's a matter of perspective, I guess. Um, just kidding, guys, they're not the monsters that they sound to be. But you know, I think also along the along those lines about because sometimes people can get offended. And whatever side of the bed you're on, you know, if in fact someone is addressing their boundary with you in the moment, in the act, while one is inside the other, then I would definitely invite you to not take it personal because that tends to happen sometimes. Like, oh, I'm not comfortable with that while you're in the act. Now sometimes it's energetic and people people tend to get offended and be like, oh, you don't want to be with me? Now there's this feeling of rejection. Um, but really that could have been avoided had you had a clear description of boundaries. But as Stevie John said, sometimes it happens in the moment, like, oh yeah, I forgot to mention this boundary. Please don't put your tongue down my throat.

unknown 19:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Minor detail. You know, and so, and it's okay to have that conversation, but it should also be okay to receive that feedback. And if you are that partner who's being shared that boundary, then learn to respect that boundary and say, thank you so much for letting me know uh what is okay for you, right? Learn to have that conversation without taking it personal, right?

SPEAKER_05 20:03

Still enjoy your experience within your boundaries, correct?

SPEAKER_00 20:06

Because again, remember these are these are playful experiences that we have the great opportunity to partake in, to enjoy uh for our visual pleasure, for our physical pleasure. And that's like the beauty of the lifestyle, right? You you get to uh be in this amazing sexual experience, but it's up to you to make it amazing, and it's up to you to create that amazing space without demanding, without believing it's entitled for you, but ultimately to enjoy, enjoy the journey of that freedom that you have within your relationship. It doesn't mean that there is lack of love or lack of, and again, that goes back to the same conversation we had in the last episode. Uh, it's got nothing to do with that, it's ultimately that opportunity that you've given yourselves as a couple to dwell in the lifestyle and learn all of the amazing opportunities that it has to give you. What are your guys' thoughts on some of those pieces? And most importantly, what are your thoughts on the idea of a shifted boundary? Because have you ever found yourself in a place where you had a boundary and with this particular person or with that particular couple you've shifted it?

SPEAKER_05 21:34

I think for us we've kind of always had our set, like our hard set rules. I don't think we've really had like in the moment something shift, like, oh you know, uh this is okay just because it's them. I think we've already had that conversation and c we kind of know where we sit. What would you say?

SPEAKER_02 21:54

Yeah, I th I don't think we had anything that shifted either. I think like you said, we just talked about it and we know like What our boundaries were. Or it was.

SPEAKER_05 22:04

No one's ever shifted any of your boundaries. Well, there is there is something actually. Is when we first started Amanda's like, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight. And then slowly. Now she's all back to a baby Amanda. Yeah, no, no. Now she's all like, let me see that bossy.

SPEAKER_03 22:24

Oh my god, that was baby Amanda. Now you're all about it.

SPEAKER_05 22:27

So I guess technically, technically, that is a boundary shift because now she is all about eating, licking, touching women.

SPEAKER_00 22:35

So that is a boundary shift. As a matter of fact, we did get her a strap on for Christmas.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

Oh yes, did you really? Dude, I'm so excited. If you did, dude, I am ready to put some work in.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

Not on me.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Show me how to wear the dress thrust.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

Maybe it'll help her stiff. Maybe it'll help Stevie John walk a little different, a little straighter.

SPEAKER_05 22:56

That is not happening.

SPEAKER_00 22:59

Alright, so let's talk about some different types of boundaries. Um, so because again, boundaries could be all over the place, right? So we have physical boundaries. Uh obviously, those are obvious. Comfort levels with touch, intimacy play, or even overnights. I'm gonna we're gonna have an overnight at Stevie John and Amanda's. Ooh, that'd be fun.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

I'm gonna be fine with the kids are gone, though.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

Well, duh. Obviously, Amanda, we're not animals. There's emotional boundaries. This is one that sometimes might be a little hard to pinpoint. Um, but this really talks about the agreements that we've made with one another, the vulnerability, and prioritizing the primary relationship. So, for example, uh, us breaking our very our first boundary on the first night was not a physical boundary necessarily, but an emotional one, right? We made we made a decision to like, hey, we're gonna do this to protect our relationship. And on the first night, we broke it. So it wasn't necessarily a physical boundary that was broken, but it was more of an emotional one in my perspective. There's time boundaries, so got to do with scheduling, uh dates, balancing time versus community time, family, those type of things. Sometimes one partner is a little bit more eager to attend parties, events, outings, and the other one's like, hey, let's chill, let's be calm, let's stay home, let's stay calm, right?

SPEAKER_02 24:33

Because that's me. I'm that I'm like, let's just calm, chill. If it happens and happens, I'll just go up with the flow.

SPEAKER_05 24:39

Yeah, that's me because I'm a cancer, I'm a homebody.

SPEAKER_02 24:42

No, you're like, no, let's go to this, this and bad, this and bad, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, chill.

SPEAKER_05 24:47

That's because I'm a social butterfly, I'm a cancer.

SPEAKER_03 24:51

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

I don't know. I don't know. They're both crazy. I am more of a social butterfly. At home?

SPEAKER_01 25:01

Yes. On my phone. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 25:08

Uh speaking of social butterflies, there's social boundaries as well, right? So who to disclose to family, friends, kids, co-workers, and how to behave in public. Is it okay to show uh public signs of affection? I will tell you, one of the social boundaries that was broken is if you ever go to a sports bar, you know what, anywhere. If you ever go anywhere with Stevie John and my twin, she will grope you in front of everybody that's there. That is a social boundary.

SPEAKER_03 25:51

I'm sorry, anywhere, any public place, anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

You that's true, your whole body is not safe.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

It's not.

SPEAKER_00 26:02

So, again, a social boundary. But again, the boundary can't be respected unless it's communicated, right? So learn to communicate what those boundaries are, and of course, health and safety boundaries, safe sex, safe sex practice. That was a tongue twister. Safe sex practices, regular testing, of course, condom and lube use. So those are things that you get to decide how you exercise them and what's important to you, what type of relationship you're on. Some people don't have that boundary because they tend to play with the same partner over and over. And so, for example, we lived with a single, I guess she wasn't single at the time, she was with us. So that relationship was different versus one one-offs or random hookups, which we never do that we know of.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

No, we never do.

SPEAKER_00 27:06

We're not the random so here's the thing. We were supposed to not be the random hookup people, and then we randomly hook up with these guys on the first night. But look, now we're best friends. Now we're besties. Um, so again, and could you think of any other boundary type that maybe I didn't mention?

SPEAKER_02 27:23

Yes, there is one. So if you're gonna do boundary type and if you guys decide to exchange numbers, we like to do what's called create a group chat. So I think that's the number one people always forget because if you don't create group chat, like say your dude is mentioning that's that lady, and then that's gonna be problems. So we like it if we meet somebody new, start a group chat that way. I know what's being said, you know, if there's pictures being involved, as long as I know like they're not just sending him privately, that way I'm there to see everything. I think that's the major one thing that people don't realize is that create a group chat when you're meeting somebody.

SPEAKER_00 28:03

Right.

SPEAKER_02 28:04

Totally agree with that.

SPEAKER_00 28:05

It goes back to the transparency thing, I think. Just learning to be transparent. If it's a little single-sided and one of us is having this full-on sex conversation via text, then the your other partner could feel excluded and not a part of whatever relationship you are building. However, if they're all included, then that creates a better space.

SPEAKER_03 28:29

I mean, that and that is a boundary because maybe there are some people that they're okay with that, right? That they're okay with Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

So learn to have that conversation. You know, as a matter of fact, we are a part of one where one of the partners isn't always involved in that group chat. At first, we were a little concerned about it, uh, and we did bring it up and says, shouldn't we include her in this conversation? But the more we learned, the more we realized, A, she didn't want to be included in that conversation because of work, because of whatever it is that she does. And um, and it's actually worked out fine. Uh, if there is something that I think involves everybody, then she will she will be included. But we learned early on that that's something that she wasn't comfortable with and she didn't care to be a part of that, so we respect that boundary as well. So as long as my wife and I are on the same page and they are on the same page, then I think all is well. Right. I it's it's uncomfortable. Like, for example, we kind of had this rule for us like, hey, if the woman reaches out, then you have the conversation with her first.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Right.

SPEAKER_00 29:46

If the male reaches out, then I'll have the conversation with him first. Once we are all connected, then we can create a group chat for the four of us to be in. Now, I will always say that because we only play with couples for the most part, uh, unless there's some very special female or male that comes along, but it's never something we're ever looking for. It just has to it would have just happened organically, I guess. Um and so that was one that that we've kind of learned to to understand. And if in fact somebody does reach out to you in a very compromising situation type thing, then speak it out and speak it out fast. If you do not, you run the risk of potentially being accused of covering something up that you might not need to be covering up, right? And so when we when we don't learn to identify that, hey, this is this could potentially be an issue, then we put ourselves at risk and we put our relationship as risk at risk as well. Like I've sent private nude photos to Stevie John, and has he ever shared that with my twin?

SPEAKER_02 31:02

No, he wanted to keep it for himself.

SPEAKER_00 31:05

What the heck?

SPEAKER_02 31:06

Yeah, so I don't know. I told you, send them to her.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

Forward them. Forward him, forward them, forward them. No, it's okay, but just kidding, that never happened.

SPEAKER_02 31:17

See, I I wouldn't mind because I trust you guys and I got to know you guys. So for me, I would be okay with it. But he will tell me anyways, if like, hey, this is what Gabby sent me or Richard sent me. He's like, Oh, you find it's like, yeah, as long as you know you tell me, like, I really don't care. It's like, plus, I trust you and I trust our friends because I know we're not gonna be in a drama.

unknown 31:37

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

But you know, I think also to that effect, because of the relationship that we do have, we would never want to exclude any of us because that's what makes it fun. We all know Stevie John inside Scoop. Does that mean like we all that's what makes it fun, actually? Your take, we can almost predict it. Uh, and we can predict you know, Stevie John's response to that. So predictable. Um, and I think that's what makes it so fun and exciting is that we have that type of relationship that there's no un unless we're planning a surprise something for you, then that's never really gonna happen because we're basically all one unit versus side unit. Split, yeah, split up. No lazy side booty here.

SPEAKER_05 32:30

No, um, actually, there is one chick that just texts just me, but like I let Amanda read the messages and tell her what's going on.

SPEAKER_02 32:38

She's like, oh, cool. Wait, do I know the chick? Who? Oh, okay, yeah, I know her. Okay. Yeah, I I know her, so I know. That's right. That's what I said. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Alright, guys. So we kind of dug deep into this conversation of boundaries, and it probably has your wheel spinning on have I set the right boundaries? Have my boundaries ever shifted? Have I understood my own individual boundaries before I even communicated those to, you know, whomever? Right. And so we're gonna do a quick little recap on the entire flexibility and reevaluation of boundaries. So again, boundaries evolve. Uh, we revisit the agreements and the relationships and comfort zones change. So learn to be flexible, learn to be flexible with those boundaries. Just because tonight we had an amazing night, and Stevie John allowed me to touch his butthole, bring put my tongue down his ear. Okay, you said butthole. And he he was just squirming with satisfaction over this. And I was like, what the heck? He really loves this. And then just because that happened doesn't mean that he wants my tongue down his ear every single time.

SPEAKER_03 34:13

Right. I was gonna say, like, sometimes we don't even know our boundaries until you experience something, and then you're like, you know what? I don't like that.

SPEAKER_00 34:20

So then that becomes or even better yet, let's take this scenario for example. My tongue is down Stevie John's ear, and he's just squirming, and he comes like he's never come before, right? And I over here, John, over here, my twin and Gabby are like, What the fuck is going on over there? And they're just looking, and we're we're just having the best time of our lives over here, and all of a sudden it everybody's having a great time. So then on our drive home, my wife goes, ew. You better brush your teeth by not making up with you with earwax. You are not gonna kiss me with that ear waxy tongue of yours.

SPEAKER_05 35:07

I clean my ears in this hypothetical situation, anyway.

SPEAKER_00 35:10

First of all, this is my story, Steven. So then I'm now understanding from my wife that this new act of sexual animal behavior has made her a little bit uncomfortable, right? And so it's like, oh, wait, I didn't realize that would have made you uncomfortable. Did you see his toes curl? Like, did you not see this? And she's like, yeah, but ew. And ew, and one more time, ew. And so I was like, okay, okay, I got it. I definitely don't want to give you the ick. So I'm I'm gonna respect that this makes you uncomfortable, um, even though I can't wait to have dreaming about it now. I'm gonna be dreaming about it. Um, and so ultimately, understanding that it makes my wife uncomfortable, I'd be like, okay, chill, no, no problem. I will refrain from sticking my tongue down Stevie John's ear, no matter how much pleasure he found in it, and have that conversation. Now, what happens when we when we're Stevie John and my twin again, and all of a sudden I see Stevie John perk his ear up, and I was like laying on my side like a dog. Yeah, like he's like, wait, wait, what is it? At that point, I have to share this new boundary with with Stevie John and say, I'm I'm I'm sorry, but I will not be doing that today.

SPEAKER_03 36:58

Um it's sounds like I'm I'm like really mean or something.

SPEAKER_00 37:02

You're so mean, babe.

SPEAKER_03 37:06

Sorry, you can't have that. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 37:10

But again, I think that's an important conversation to have because sometimes, even though you're enjoying something, maybe your partner's not gonna enjoy watching that. And remember, the re the priority is your couple integrity. And you guys either can learn to have that conversation on how to satisfy that kink some other different way. Uh, but at the end of the day, our we can't put our relationship at risk for some newfound fetish or newfound thing that we're not both in agreement with.

SPEAKER_03 37:42

Right, or really just really communicate, right? Because I mean, if you love your partner, you would want them to explain.

SPEAKER_00 37:48

Are you gonna let me put my tongue down?

SPEAKER_03 37:50

Maybe I'm still thinking about it. But it really is communicate, you know?

SPEAKER_00 37:54

Yeah, it really is about communication. But so, again, to my point, it wasn't a boundary at the beginning. At that time, it became a boundary, and now it's some something that we need to learn to conversate about. And now I need to be able to relay that boundary to my newfound fetish here about an ear. And so, so it's this domino effect of communication that needs to happen so that we learn to understand. And on Stevie John's part, hypothetically, um, he would also need to understand, hey, but but but last time it was so good. It's like, yeah, but today we're gonna table that for now. Um, and it's okay, right? And so he would need to learn to put his ear down. No one's gonna do that tonight, uh, so that it really is an understanding all the way around. Uh respecting all over that was a good hypothetical question because that could definitely happen. Yeah, I could wait.

SPEAKER_02 38:55

Well, not that, but like a situation, like it's like no, but sometimes I do like to put my fingers up his nostrils.

SPEAKER_03 39:05

What you babe.

SPEAKER_00 39:09

I know about this. So, to that point, another re-evaluation is that it's okay to pause. It's okay to pause. Either partner can call for a slowdown or a reset if things feel overwhelming. Uh, I you know, Stevie John and um my twin have this little technique where they pinch each other in the butthole if they need to take a break and have a conversation.

SPEAKER_05 39:35

Or a bathroom break.

SPEAKER_00 39:37

It doesn't matter how hard you are or how wet you are, they will literally get up and leave at that particular moment.

SPEAKER_05 39:45

I've seen it happen.

SPEAKER_00 39:46

I've seen it happen.

SPEAKER_03 39:47

Yeah, yep.

SPEAKER_00 39:48

And now you're left wondering what the hell. Now I will say to that effect, they leave in the middle of whatever is going on, and now you're like, well, fuck those guys. And now you just go at it with your wife, and then all of a sudden they come back, they expect you to okay, separate. You know what? Go home, go home, go home, go home. A little demanding, if you ask me. So maybe that's a conversation you can have as well. And most importantly, in this reevaluation is to celebrate growth. When boundaries shift positively, acknowledge that it's a milestone and that you've learned to communicate that boundary shift. Because it does happen. Give yourself permission for it to happen and give yourself the space that you need to evaluate every single experience and encounter. Because you'll find that you will learn so much from your partner and from yourself if you give yourself the opportunity to navigate it. Any more input you'd like to share? Any anything that you feel we may have left out? I know it we went deep. We went deep. We did go deep, like in a butt whole day. So deep. I almost I almost licked Johnny Stevie John's eyeballs from his through his ear.

SPEAKER_05 41:17

I think we went over a lot of really good information about respecting each other's boundaries, about speaking about your boundaries, about being open and honest about each other's boundaries and you know, and working through that, you know. That's the conversation you should have prior to even engaging anything. So you kind of have an idea. I mean, things can grow as our counterparts have said, but you should have a good feel of where you're at, where you're both at and what you're both comfortable with.

SPEAKER_02 41:44

Yeah, and just communicate. Communication is the key here.

SPEAKER_00 41:48

100%. And it will always be the key. It will always be the number one topic that should be on the forefront of everything we do. Communicate, over-communicate if you need to. Uh, because it's never gonna get you in trouble to over-communicate. Always be willing to share your thoughts and ideas, not in a dictator type way, but in an open and willing type of way, uh, so that we can all learn and grow and and evolve from those spaces. Any last closing thoughts for you?

SPEAKER_03 42:23

Nope. Everybody has said, you know, again, like said, communication and boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

To be clear, this topic never ends. There is no closing uh statement that will say, okay, well, we've learned everything about boundaries because everyone's boundary could be so incredibly and even radically different than the next. What will always be your saving's grace is learning to have the conversation about your boundaries as well as their boundaries and find common ground and be between the all all involved, however, many those may be. Some may be 45 in one night for some like us, might just be one or two, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 43:15

They talking shit, are they?

SPEAKER_00 43:18

Guys, we want to thank you so much for joining us on this journey of ethical non-monogamy. We we love having these conversations with you, and we love growing and learning together. We are always available, so feel free to reach out to us on whatever social platform you found us, and we'd be more than happy to maybe include some of your topics of conversation, as well as if you had a scenario that happened and you want us to kind of dissect it a little bit, we'd love to share your story and give our take on that story and what we could have done differently. what we would have how we would have handled a situation like that. I think those are always positive ways to learn because you might have been in a scenario that we've never been in. And as we revisit your story, we'd be like, gosh, how would I have handled a situation like that? So we'd definitely love to hear more. But most importantly, thank you so much for being a part of our growing modernly faithful community. Until next time, don't get pregnant. Bye guys.

SPEAKER_03 44:34

Bye