Marriage Intensives at Lantern Lane Farm

Discover how Lantern Lane's two-day marriage intensives can transform your relationship, offering a deeper connection and healing from crisis. Ralph Cook, founder and licensed therapist, shares insights into his approach, personalized sessions, and the unique environment of Lantern Lane Farm.

Resources & Links:

Lantern Lane Farm was founded in the early 2000s by Ralph and Joni Cook, after their own family experienced the life-changing power of counseling. They envisioned a place where therapy didn’t feel clinical or intimidating, but instead peaceful, safe, and connected to nature.

The name “Lantern Lane” was chosen as a symbol of guidance and safety—echoing the lanterns of the Underground Railroad that once lit the way to freedom. Just as those lanterns offered hope in the darkness, Lantern Lane Farm exists to shine a light for those searching for healing and restoration.

Lantern Lane Farm Counseling Center - https://lanternlanefarm.org/

Guest Host Information:

Brooke Antonakos is the owner of Brooke’s On Main, a curated lighting and home furnishings showroom just outside of Nashville, TN. With a background rooted in creative development and small business, she launched BOM to provide builders, designers, and homeowners with a trusted, design-forward resource for lighting, furniture, wallpaper, and home decor. I’m passionate about making high-quality design approachable and supporting projects with expert guidance, clear communication, and hands-on service.

Before starting Brooke’s On Main, she gained experience through entrepreneurial ventures and creative work that taught her the value of relationship-building, visual storytelling, and strong operations. Brooke is excited to connect with fellow entrepreneurs, designers, and builders who share a love for beautiful spaces and intentional business.

LinkedIn -   / brooke-antonakos  

Website - https://brookesonmain.com/?srsltid=Af...

Sponsor for this episode:

This episode is brought to you by Lantern Lane Farm Counseling

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Okay, I'm so excited to be back today on the Lantern Lane podcast with founder and licensed therapist Ralph Cook. Thank you so much for having me back, Rick.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Well, I'm grateful to have you here. I love having you ask questions.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

I love talking with you. So any any time that I can come in and just get in your orbit, I really do love it. Thank you, Bruce. Um, I'm really excited today. We're going to talk about your marriage intensives, which are a big part of Lantern Lane and and your offering, correct? Right. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

It's one of the most rewarding things that I get to do in my job.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Right. I mean, and and probably from personal experience and the whole reason that you started Lantern Lane, even.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Yeah. Um, well, speaking of, um, so we typically, I I feel like most people are used to the the standard marriage counseling, one hour in a in an office on a sofa, um, and and just kind of hashing it out and then coming back a couple weeks later and doing it all over again. What's what's the difference? Because I know at Lantern Lane you have these two-day intensives. And can you just kind of tell us like maybe what your what your aha moment was for the need for that?

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Yeah. I think the aha moment was really frustration on my part and also the the couples part, because we would, especially couples coming in with crisis, we would get to a place where we're really making just a little tiny bit of traction, and then the hours up. And then if we are able to navigate and get our schedules to line up, it's going to be a week before I see them again. Um, and then by the time they come back a week later, they've already lived a week's worth of life, and they've had other things come up. Of course. And so we're dealing with those things before we can pick up where we left off. And so I felt like often, especially with couples who are coming in with crisis, I just felt like I was in mud. I just never could get up out of that. And so it was and it was frustrating to them as well, um, you know, to just do the regular hour session.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

I've never even thought about just absolutely like you do, you get to the heart of it and then it's that pause. Yeah. And and if you're lucky, the couple continues to work through that. If not, the pain just kind of bubbles right back up. Right. Exactly. Um, what would you say is is like a typical, if you're in that typical setting, I mean, how many sessions do you think it takes to kind of get to the heart on on average?

SPEAKER_00 2:52

So if if we're just doing the regular, I mean, maybe four to six. Um, but again, it it depends on the level of crisis that people are coming in with.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Sure. Yeah. So, okay, so I'm so excited to hear about these two-day sessions and like what they entail. Maybe just like paint the scene for us a little bit of you you show up to Lantern Lane Farms, like what do you expect in that first day? And and what is what what are you kind of experiencing there?

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Well, so I feel like it's really my responsibility to the couple to create safety. So I'm doing everything I can possibly do to make sure that they feel emotionally safe. So there's some house rules that I go through. Like even when they take breaks, I'm really intentional about uh asking them what they need to talk about or what they don't want to talk about when they go to lunch. Um, so so they don't get engaged in a conversation that gets them off course. So I'm I'm really, really intentional about that. So they they come in, I give them um, you know, the kind of the tour of the building and let them know that they are safe and let them know that marriage intensives are called marriage intensives because it's intense. They are intense. And so if they if they get um you know, if they get flooded, they're welcome to take a break. We have 15 acres at Lantern Lean Farm, so they can go take a walk. Um, they're free to get up and leave as long as they tell me when they're coming back. So there's this real um, I want to make sure that they have agency, okay, and they're able to tell me what they want. I'm not the boss of them. Um, so really creating that relationship. So for for two days, um uh we start at nine and go till five. We have an hour lunch break, and our other breaks are just as they need them. Whenever they want a break, that's that's when we do it. Um you know, the beginning of the day, the first day, we do a lot of family of origin work because we know whether we like it or not. Sure. We bring our family of origin into the relationship with us. Right. And so we get get to that very, very strategic in the what uh the way I have them roll out what they're coming in with. So then I want to hear a little bit about what brought them together, um, and then we'll talk about what brings them uh to the intensive at at that time. And then um, and then we just start, we just start working through, we start looking at negative cycles, um, and I explain to them often, yes, I am a therapist, but also in this intensive, they might feel like I'm sometimes a coach because we'll look at we'll look at action steps, and when they leave, uh they'll have an action plan so for when they go home. But throughout the the two days, we'll identify action steps that will be helpful for them moving forward. So um I customize right on the spot. So a lot of times couples will say, Ralph, what's the what are we gonna be doing? Well, it depends on what you bring in. There are some things that are very much the same in all the marriage incentives, but but I but all couples are not the same. So when they give me their story, the more transparent they can be, the better, because then the better I can customize the work that we're gonna do together.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

That's beautiful. I love that. Would you say that most people are coming in with a problem, or are most people coming in with just seeking a deeper connection?

SPEAKER_00 6:42

I would say for the most part, with the marriage intensives, they're coming in with all the way from intense crisis to maybe, you know, very disconnected. It's not often that people come in where they just want to be better, but there are some of those. Sure. Um, and those couples are the ones that are successful, the ones that are constantly staying on top of their relationship. But I don't I would say the bulk of the people that I see in the marriage intensives are either crisis or just I mean, just really disconnected.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Absolutely. And and I think that there's a a normalcy in that that I think I I would I would beg to say that almost no marriage makes it through without feeling that that crisis at some point. And so I think it's important to not feel shame in that or feeling alone and and feeling that.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

So talking about those those common issues that come up, what are some of those common issues that that people bring into these intensives?

unknown 7:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

So some often with the intensives, uh, there may be there may have been an affair, so there's betrayal. Um they may come in because, again, like I was just saying, they may just be so incredibly disconnected because they haven't been intentional about their relationship. Um their um topics would be sex, religion, finances, parenting. Those are some of the things that people come in with, and that's the presenting issue. However, what I know to be true is often those things are just symptomatic. They're not that's it's not the problem. Wow, they think it's the problem, but it's not until we get into this work and start going below the surface that we start to see, oh, that was just a symptom, it's not the problem. And sometimes even we get here and we realize that's we're still not there, and we continue to go deeper and finally we land on it.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

Wow. I think that's such a big aha moment that those those big issues, the things that you think are what you're trying to fix, are actually just the top of the the bubble.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

Yes, because often what happens is we all do this, I've done it in my relationship, most every couple I've ever worked with, we get focused on the solution to those symptoms, and we may come up with a solution that we think is okay, but the things that are lying underneath pop out somewhere else. So we haven't until we really get understanding, we can't get a we can't get a solution. So the phrase that the couples were here over and over from me is understanding, then solution. Often we're saying, well, if you would just do this, well, if you would just do this, well, if you would just do this. We're not capable of giving a solution until we get clear understanding. Because often our often our solution can be more problematic than the problem itself. If we if we don't have good understanding of what's lying below the surface here, we can be causing more damage.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

That is so important to hear. Yeah. Because I think so many people maybe try to fix it themselves. And I think that it's important that to have that guidance. Yes. To to not just try to, you know, mend, you know, put a band-aid over a bullet hole.

SPEAKER_00 10:32

Yes. I mean, think about it like this. I have a an amazing doctor. I love him. He's very, very smart. But if I just walk into his office and he starts prescribing medication to me, that would be an example of his solution could be more problematic than the problem itself. So there has to be this slowing down of Ralph, what brings you here today? Tell me more. Tell me more. Let me let me get a little more understanding, you know. And it's the more the better he understands, the better he can work towards the solution.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Wow. Now, are you when when they're in these intensives, are are you interviewing or talking with both of them at the same time? Do like you talk about, I mean, I'm sure if if there is a a deep-seated issue and and one is maybe in the victim role and one is in the, you know, in the I don't know what the other side of that is, but if somebody may need to take a walk. I mean, that just seems like a lot for a whole day of that. So maybe describe a little bit of that.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Yeah, there are times most often they're together, the couple's together, but there are times when it just becomes too much. And I'll either realize we we need to take a break from them being together, or they will ask for that. Uh they'll say things like, I just need to get out of here. I just need to take a walk, and that's okay. And I will continue to process with the other person. Um, or there may be times where I realize I'm not gonna really get the traction that I need to get unless I ask them for 30 minutes alone with each of them. Um that happens quite often.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

Yeah, sure, that makes a lot of sense. Um Wow. Um maybe let's talk a little bit more about um other experiences at at Lantern Lane in this marriage intensive. What are some other things that that people can experience besides just the interviews and the or the session work, I mean? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

So I've done these intensives in just a regular office setting, and that's that's just fine. But I'm telling you, at Lantern Lane Farm, something different happens with couples because, first of all, when they drive in, and I have couples who come from all over the country, uh, who this is their first time to to the Mount Julia Nashville area, and so they drive in the driveway, and there's already this um disarming feeling, this peacefulness, this this safe feeling. And when they when they walk in to a farmhouse and you know, I greet them at the door, uh, there's something there's something really special. Yes, there's something very special about that. But then all we've had two days together. So we may um we may take a walk and talk. I've walked with like the husband and and maybe I have a co-therapist, and that therapist walks with the wife, and we just we just spend time just just moving our bodies and breathing. Um but there's also times where we will uh will take time after we've had a really maybe a really intense session, I give them journals and they'll take their journals and just write. And I I just encourage them, just go anywhere you want to go, anywhere there's there may be some free offices, but if you want to go outside or if you want to sit in a field with horse, you can do that. But just just reflect. And when they're able to do that, I mean there's just really something powerful that happens.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Just creating space for this. Yeah. And uh being allowed to like feel I feel like in in society now, there we are just bombarded. And I hope that I hope that that slows down at some point for us. But it's nice to have this this time to just to just sit and be in the moment and create space for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 14:38

Yeah, yeah, because I mean you have kids and you know what it's like with sure, you know, the the busyness, and these these people are taking two days out of their life. Even local people, I recommend that they stay in a hotel. I don't know it's not required, but I recommend that because I want to see them just completely disengage from their world and give 100% attention to their relationship. So I encourage them to stay away from their phones if at all possible. Um, they've got care for their kids, they may need to check in, but but really staying disengaged uh disengaged with with that outside world. And the farm really creates that. It really creates that when we can go out and sit under a shade tree and do a session, just takes on a totally different feel. It's a totally different vibe than sitting in an office.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

I will say, I mean, even this week at springtime weather's kind of hitting, and yes, and I I just took a a night and instead of dinner at the table, me and and my daughter, um my my husband and daughter were at softball practice, and we just decided to go put a blanket in the yard and sit, and there's something about just being out in nature and sitting, and um it it just it does rejuvenate you for sure. And I think it's even just just the fact that you would that the the couples themselves would take the time and be that intentional. I think that's such a kind gesture to their spouse. Um just even going into this intensive and taking the time.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

And the other thing that we have that's really unique to Lantern Lane Farm is we have horses, and we have little tiny horses and we have great big horses. And um I often will incorporate the horses in those sessions, and that brings um meaning to conversations that will stick with them. Uh, it's really, really incredible what comes out of some of those, some of those sessions.

SPEAKER_01 16:41

So is this like is this petting the horses? Is this grooming the horses?

SPEAKER_00 16:45

What it it may be petting, it may be grooming, but I also will give activities, and you don't have to be, you don't have to have any horse knowledge. Good. And you don't have to, we don't have to do the horses if people are uncomfortable with that. But but I'll I'll give activities for them to do with the horse that will bring out conversations that it might take two or three hours for that to happen in my office. I've seen it happen over and over. And then the thing is, those those conversations are they stay with them. I've had couples refer back to those those times, like two or three two or three years later, they'll they'll say, Remember that time we were out in the field with the horses and we did this, and and they'll they'll refer back to that time. It's and the conversations that they had. It's really incredible because that's that's what happens when we do this experiential work. And again, that's often what's happening at the farm in the intensive, but also in just regular therapy.

SPEAKER_01 17:51

Wow. Yeah, that sounds like an amazing experience. What about the final day? What's what's that kind of look like and and how they they move on past the intensive and continue the work?

SPEAKER_00 18:02

So when when they're finished, we will we will go back and so at the beginning I will have asked them to write down goals and um at the end we'll go through those goals and we'll s and and typically the couples are like, wow, we made some major progress here. Um the some of the goals that they have written maybe are ongoing, but they have made unbelievable progress with those with those goals. And so we have the action plan, we talk through, um, and then there's just this encouragement uh for them to continue their work. This is not the end. So um if they're local, they can continue that work with me or one of if they already have a therapist or one of our therapists at Lantern Lean Farm. If they're coming from out of state, then I if they don't have a therapist, then I encourage them to start looking and I help them find those resources.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Okay, that's beautiful. Yeah. Um well let's talk about maybe talk to the people that are listening here that maybe feel like they're they're in this place where they maybe they do have a crisis, maybe they've even lost hope. What um what would you like to like what's one thing you'd like to give them right now in this moment?

SPEAKER_00 19:24

Yeah, I want them to hear that there is hope. There is hope. Often couples will come in and say, you know, we were best friends in the beginning, but something has happened. Um and as we began to uncover and we start to see how this disconnect happened, um, it it becomes very clear to them. So these couples who are sitting at home thinking, uh, I don't know if I could do this, I just want to challenge them um to push through their fears. It's okay to be fearful of this, and they can talk to me about those fears on even the initial phone call. Um, but I just I just want them, Brooke, to hear that there is hope. This work is a little bit like emergency room work, but there is there is hope. And I again I want them to know that when they come to Lantern Lane Farm, they will be embraced and they we will do everything we can do to create a safe place for them.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

That's beautiful. And I mean, would you even say that there's there's nothing that you haven't seen healing from?

SPEAKER_00 20:32

Oh, oh, yes, yes. Couples I have seen couples come in with absolutely no hope, and they're doing this as a last ditch effort. But they're they're both willing to come, but it is it's the uh some couples have even started the divorce process. Wow, and they pause the divorce because they say, Okay, let's let's try one more thing. And I have seen those couples completely turnaround in this because they've they haven't been intentional, they haven't taken the time that's needed, and the marriage intensive creates that space that is that their relationship really deserves.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Right. Um or maybe even they're doing the the they're they're choosing the medicine to fix the problem.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

And it's just getting worse.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

Right. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

So slowing that down, letting someone guide them through. I'm not I'm not there, I can't fix people, but I can highlight and I can help them see what these what these cycles are looking like and what what it's doing to their relationship. And it's abundantly clear. Um but there is there is hope. I want people to hear there's hope.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

And I think it's important probably to come you you tapped into this a little bit earlier, but about how the people that are most successful are the ones that can be the most vulnerable and really lay it out like almost. Don't come if you're not going to just let it all out. Yes. Yeah. That's how you can be maybe the most successful. Any other tips for being really successful in a session like this?

SPEAKER_00 22:13

I think again, just being all in. You know, um being able to lean into uh forgiveness, no realizing that that's a process. It's it doesn't happen overnight. Lean into reconciliation and grace. And grace is just when they when they walk into the room with compassion, even though they're also walking into the room with pain. So they're able to to navigate those two things together.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

Um that's beautiful. Yeah. I I love how you talked, you even talked in our last session about how you choose gratitude. Yes. And you're choosing forgiveness, and it's not just something that's that's given and you already have. Yeah. Um, it's such a choice here. Yes. Um, and that's really beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

And it's a process.

SPEAKER_01 23:06

Absolutely. Um well, I think this is amazing, and um I I I would totally sign myself up. I think it's I think it's important just to to make sure that your spouse knows how how invested you are in just your relationship. Yes. And that that is the most important relationship because all of other relationships spin off from from that connection. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

They're their family, their kids, they will be the benefactors of this work.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

Right. You'll be better in all of those areas. As a as a daughter, as a as a son. Yes. Um, that's really beautiful. Yeah. Well, if you want to know more about um coming out to Lantern Lane Farm, you can go to lanternlanefarm.org or you can check the show notes for more details on how to do that. Thanks so much, Ralph. It was a great time.