15. The Validation Trap High-Achievers Don't See

Many high achieving women look confident and successful on the outside while secretly relying on validation to feel worthy, safe, and enough.

In this episode, Robina explores the hidden ways validation seeking shapes decision making, productivity, relationships, and identity. She unpacks how achievement can become tied to people pleasing, external approval, and self worth, and why that cycle often leads to burnout, pressure, and nervous system dysregulation.

This conversation highlights the difference between building a life from self trust versus constantly searching for validation outside yourself. Robina shares how these patterns develop, why they can feel difficult to break, and what it looks like to create success from a place that feels grounded, regulated, and internally secure.

In this episode, she discusses:

• How validation seeking can hide beneath achievement and productivity
• Why external approval often becomes tied to self worth
• The connection between people pleasing, performance, and nervous system patterns
• How to recognize when your decisions are being driven by validation
• What it looks like to build confidence and success from self trust instead of external praise

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Hello, and welcome to this episode of The Regulated CEO. And today I'm going to do a solo podcast all about recognition. I really feel like this is a prevalent concept for many high-achieving women because we have grown to the place in our businesses, in our careers, in our family, and in our life based on the belief that we have to achieve to feel worthiness and to feel validated. So many of us place our validation externally on other people outside of ourselves. And so one of the things I want to talk about is an example of how I am working through the idea of being a high-achieving woman, but doing it from a place of comfort, of doing it from a place of flow, from doing it from a place of not feeling like I need to do all the achievements to get the validation. And so there once was a time where I was competing. So I think it was in 2013, I started competing in fitness model competitions. And the reason why I started doing it was because I was at the gym. That was my time for me as a mom to really connect with adults. I had three children under the age of five, and they had a daycare there. So it really helped me reach my fitness goals, lose the weight that I wanted, but also gave me some peace of mind. So I started to get really noticed at the gym from the achievements that I was getting from my physique and the weight loss that I was having and the muscle that I was building. So I decided the next level, of course, was to compete. And so I entered a fitness competition and it was 12 weeks that prepped me for it. And I really got into it and I was really pushing my boundaries. And I was really becoming so fixated on the goal that everything else didn't matter. I started to push away other responsibilities like the family. And that became my priority. And the reason why I bring this up is because as high-achieving women, when we are fixated on something, we tend to make everything else blur into the background and not have as much precedence. And so I really pushed myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually at this point in time because the goal was so much bigger than just me stepping on stage. It was about me pushing myself beyond any limits that I've ever pushed myself through. It was about me proving to people that I could step on stage and become this alter-ego version of myself. So I was this mom of three kids and I really was disconnected from my body. I really felt like going back to the gym and learning how to get that mind-muscle connection would really change things. But what I really noticed over the 12 weeks, I was changing mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Things shifted for me in a very small amount of time. I started getting more attention. I started to feel my self-worth from other people valuing and noticing the things that I was achieving, the muscle definition, the amount of competitions that I was in. And one of the things that I realized was that I was good at doing that. When I did my first competition, one of the things that I noticed was I was getting a lot of attention. It was exciting, all the things, but I also noticed that I was experiencing a disconnect for myself because I was giving all of the power to a judge. I was giving all the power to the audience. I was giving all the power to my physical sense, only my physical sense. And so as I went on that journey, I went from one competition to doing three, to doing, I think I did nine competitions in a span of like two and a half years. Not only did I chase the idea of perfection, but I also tried to emulate it as much as possible. And one thing I know for sure is like no one is perfect. No matter how hard you try, you might get the physical definition, you might come very close to a very perfect physique. But most of the people that I have encountered in that world had other things that were pushing them. It was that low self-esteem, that low confidence. And that's who I was. On the outside, it looked very strong, but on the inside, I was really struggling. My marriage was falling apart. I was just not connected to who I was. I didn't know who I was anymore. And that version of me on stage, who I named, I think I named her Tina, I had an alter ego. So when I stepped on stage, it wasn't me. I had to act like somebody else. And so the reason why I bring this up is that so many of us in the corporate world, as founders, as people that are running businesses, we wear masks all the time. We show up for whatever audience we are serving, whatever audience is judging us, whether it be our bosses, whether it be our coworkers, whether it be our clients, we show up based on how we think they are seeing us, how we think that they want to see us. And we start to neglect who we really are. That abandonment of self happens because we are serving all of the other people. One of the things that I started to notice was that it was such a different version of myself that was superficial, that wasn't that whole version of me. All the content that I put out was all about fitness and physicality. It was about pushing your limits and having discipline and like hustling. That became my identity. Today we are decluttering the house, and I literally threw out 12 trophies that I had received from this journey of fitness modeling. My husband, who was Mr. Natural Universe in the past, he was like, You're gonna throw those out. And I'm like, Yeah, that version of me does not exist anymore. Those trophies that I have on the shelf are just collecting dust. That is not who I am anymore. I do not need a trophy. I do not need that accolade to know that I was successful at doing what I did. Like that part of my life was one part of my life. But one of the things I see with so many of my clients is they have an accomplishment. They get a job and they make that their identity. They make that the reason that they feel successful. They make that who they are. And without that, when they lose their job, when they are let go, when they can't perform the same way, it becomes a character flaw for them. It becomes an ability for them to think that they are not successful, that something is wrong with them. And so, what permission I want to give you today is the ability to let go of those things that have happened in the past, but they do not make you who you are. We all evolve. You may have done something spectacular in your 20s, in your 30s, in your 40s, but that does not define who you are in your 50s. It does not define who you are any year after that. And so I want to give you permission and reflection to think about what am I holding on to that is really and truly defining me from an external perspective versus an internal one? What am I not being able to fulfill within myself because I feel like I have to show up for that audience? I have to be that person for the people that are outside of me. I want you today to think about all of the things that you are keeping on your metaphorical shelf and that you are preventing yourself from moving forward in the life that you want to create because you're performing for other people. High-achieving women do this. We show up for whatever needs other people have, but we start to neglect our own needs, our own wants, our own desires. And then when they come and see me, when I ask them, what are the things that you would love to do? What would you feel fulfilled? What would make you light up? Most of the time they don't know because they've been so disconnected from their self. So today's mini podcast is all about asking yourself those types of things. Who have you had to show up as in order to get those accolades? What has it been costing you? What kind of things have you been sacrificing? Maybe it's your family life, maybe it's your quality time of being present with them. What types of things are preventing you from moving forward? Once you start to peel back those layers, you'll be able to really articulate and really feel what is holding you back from creating that life and being regulated. Because when we perform for other people's desires and wants, we tend to neglect our own. And that is the first sign of your body starting to communicate with you. Maybe you feel distracted, maybe you feel disconnected, maybe you're numbing yourself with alcohol, with food, with over exercise. I want you to think about these things that you're doing and ask yourself, what is the real issue underneath it all? Because if you are someone who is seeking that external validation like I was, then maybe it's time that you start to throw out your own trophies. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. And I can't wait till you give me some feedback on how this episode landed for you and if you'd like some more. See you next time on the regulated CEO.