18. What Winning Costs: Dissociation, Trauma and How I Am Healing It

Content note: This episode includes discussions of sexual assault, trauma, dissociation, and the healing process. Please listen at your own pace and take care of yourself as needed.

Sometimes the greatest act of strength is not pushing through. It's allowing yourself to heal.

In this deeply personal solo episode, Robina shares an update following the traumatic experience she first spoke about in Episode 11. After getting the results from the Crown Attorney and processing the outcome, she reflects on what trauma has taught her about the nervous system, the body's protective responses, and what healing looks like in real time. Rather than offering hindsight, she invites listeners into the middle of her own journey with honesty and vulnerability.

Robina explores dissociation, the freeze response, and the beliefs that can keep us disconnected from our instincts during traumatic experiences. She also shares the practices that are helping her reconnect with her body, process stored emotions, and move forward without allowing what happened to define who she is. This conversation is both a personal reflection and a compassionate reminder that healing is not about becoming who you were before. It is about learning to feel safe within yourself again.

In this episode, she shares:

• Why dissociation and the freeze response are protective, not signs of weakness
• How trauma can disconnect us from our bodies and our intuition
• The beliefs she uncovered while processing her own experience
• The nervous system practices supporting her healing
• Why healing is about reclaiming your identity instead of letting trauma define it

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Hey guys, welcome to this episode. I wanted to come on and just give a recap after what happened in episode 11, where I talked about the traumatic event that I went through and how I was affected by it. But I really want to turn this into something different. So yesterday I had a meeting with the crown attorney because in episode 11, I talked a little bit about an experience that I had going for a lymphatic drainage massage with a massage therapist that was referred to me that ended in a form of sexual assault. Now, it was really hard for me to talk about it because, first of all, as someone who works with nervous system regulation and coaches women how to deal with things and navigate situations and trauma when you're in a situation like that with someone with authoritative power and someone when you don't really necessarily expect that people are going to cross a line. Sometimes the way that you would naturally deal with things doesn't naturally happen. I really wanted to kind of walk through it a little bit differently as a form of not only helping me work through it, but also I want to give you a teachable lesson from my experience. I started this podcast because I wanted women to see themselves in other women's journeys and be able to say, wow, I see where it's headed, where my life could be headed. Maybe these people have experienced things like trauma, anxiety, depression. Some people have health issues that are coming up. And what happens is we don't necessarily see where we're headed when we're in it. And so the podcast really started because I wanted people to hear stories, not the highlight reel, but the actual backstories that have created the women that you see that maybe you aspire to or that you admire or that you're listening to on a podcast or that you see speak on stages, because a lot of us don't necessarily hear the real stuff that goes on. And so I wanted a place where people could tell real stories because they now have that hindsight. They can look back and see what they went through. And so, me talking about that traumatic experience, first of all, I have to tell you, was hard as hell for me to do because it made me vulnerable. It expressed that even though I am a very strong woman, in that moment where he was violating me, because I really talk about in healthcare and as a healthcare professional, from whether I was a nurse or even now holding my doctorate, I know that there's a line. And as a healthcare worker or a practitioner, you know where that line is. So for me as a nurse, it could have been inserting a catheter. It could have been giving an intramuscular needle in your buttock muscle. It could have been bathing you because you just had surgery. Whatever that line was, I knew that I needed to do a job, but I also had to pay attention to the cues that were being given to me from my patients, my clients. I had to have that awareness. Now thinking back and looking at that situation, I had lots of cues that I was giving off. He knew that I was uncomfortable. And even though I couldn't say anything because my body went into freeze in episode 11, I talk about when we're in a traumatic experience, your prefrontal cortex goes offline. That means your critical thinking, your ability to problem solve, it shuts down. The brain goes like numb and the body can't move, right? Your heart rate drops, you feel numb. And I really recall me disconnecting from my body, coming out of my body in that moment because I literally had to dissociate from what was happening. And I really remember that my brain was saying, you gotta get up, you gotta move, but my body was shutting down. My nervous system flipped into freeze mode and it got stuck there. And so I really want people to understand that the reason why I'm talking about this, first of all, is because in that moment I said nothing. And I shamed myself for many weeks and gaslit myself because I should have known better. I should have said something, I should have got up and moved. And I didn't. And I had to really help myself understand what was happening. And I want many of you to understand what happens when you are in a traumatic situation, when your body goes into freeze. Because we typically shame ourselves because we didn't say anything, especially as the victim. You should have known better, right? You should have said something, you should have moved. But when you're in that moment, sometimes you can't even do that. And I really want people to understand that that was a consequence of me being in a traumatic experience. When I got the news from the crown attorney yesterday, and I have done a lot of crying and I'm still trying to process. And this is part of my processing is talking to you about it because now I can talk and now I will talk. And now I want other women to understand that because I signed a consent form that in there said that the massage would involve my breasts, although I've had several lymphatic massages. I knew that the massage would, well, what I thought would happen there, just like every other lymphatic massage that I had, would be under my armpit. So if you're watching this on video, I'm going to show you under my armpit and to the outer contour of my breast where the actual lymphatic ducts are. Now, because I signed this consent form, it wasn't deemed that he was guilty without a reasonable doubt in the court system. And that the massage itself was not intended in a sexual manner. So as I'm processing all this, I realize that as a woman, we have to have due diligence. But if I back up and I look at everything that happened leading up to that massage from the time I got the referral and I saw his name, I was like, hmm, a man? Even though I've had massages by men before, something went off in me, but because I was referred, I just dismissed it. And then when I got there, he sat me down and he said, This is a very sensitive massage. I'm like, dude, like how sensitive is this? Like, I've had this massage so many times. I've even told him I've had this massage so many times to the consent form. All these alarms and whistles went off, and my body was talking to me, but I dismissed it because I was referred, because I knew somebody, because I thought that maybe this was different, and maybe I don't know the way the massages all go. So that's the first piece of information I want to give is like if there is something that is internally tugging in your body, in your consciousness that something is off, then you need to honor it before you put yourself in that situation. So I've really had to toy with a few things since that. One was that I recognize that I have been in situations before where people have taken their position of authority and have tried to use it to have power over me. And so this is the kind of work that I do with my clients is I kind of find themes and I work on the themes. So I had to look at past relationships that have had authority over me and how it has really shut down my voice. And I've had to work on why is that a theme? So I've now am working on reprogramming subconscious mind and working on even if people are in authority and if I feel out of alignment, that I'm setting boundaries for that person and myself. So that is something that I'm working on. What I really hope that a lot of people understand is that there is an underlying theme that shows up, and whether it's in a situation like I went through or a situation that somebody else is, is when you feel those internal pangs show up in your body, whether it feels that second thought that you have, whether you're questioning, does this feel right? Does this not feel right? Do I feel uncomfortable? Do I feel like this just doesn't feel like it feels good for me? Then we need to stop and take action. What happens too many times to us is that we feel like when our consciousness, when our subconscious body, when something is off, our brain tries to talk us out of it. The brain's function is to keep us safe. But in that situation, it made me think that my feeling of being in an uncomfortable situation was all in my mind. It went back to the belief system that my parents always gave me is when people of authority tell you to do something, you obey, you do. And not to blame it on anyone, but I have really had to break down what my belief systems were around this and how I'm working through it. So I wanted to kind of give you an idea of what my healing looks like as someone that is in this work, how I'm working on working through it with myself. There are a few things I do regularly with myself. One of the things is EFT tapping. I do this with my clients, and it's kind of working through your feelings because most of us don't work through our feelings, we just suppress them and we keep doing all the things because we are okay. I said in air quotations, because we believe that we're okay, but we're not, right? So one of the things I do is I do tapping. I work with various meridians and I'll walk through my feelings. So even though I was violated and it feels like shit for someone to violate me, I know that I'm safe. And even though, and I'm tapping the top of my head, and even though the ruling came back different than I thought it was, I know that what I felt was right. And I know that I was put in a situation that made me feel violated. And even though the ruling didn't go, that's the top of my eyebrows the way I wanted it to, I know that I am safe no matter what anyone does to me, and that this situation is not gonna dictate where I go or how I move in my life and I'm not a victim. In fact, I'm gonna share my message with other people so that they know that they can stand in their power even when stuff happens to you under the eyes, because I can speak up. And even in that situation, even though I didn't speak up and I wanted to speak up so badly, I know that I can speak up now because my voice has power. Your voice has power, and I'm tapping the top of my lips. So I'm working through these feelings as I'm feeling them, but as I'm working through them, I'm signaling to my nervous system that it's safe. And even though I was violated, and even though I felt so much rage and I was upset and shocked and my body was convulsing when they were telling me that I know I'm still safe. And I know that person doesn't have power over me. And even though it was horrible and humiliating and it took my light for a little bit, I know that that situation does not define me. It happened, but it's not who I am. And even though I know now that I can still have a massage, I'm going to be way more diligent when I do have a massage. Who has the ability to step into my energy? Who has the ability to work on my body, on my vessel, on my consciousness. And I know that no matter what I go through, I'm still safe. And so I use that kind of tool to really help me, especially if I feel anxious or anxiety or anything shows up. One of the other tools that I use every now and then, so I don't go like every week or anything like that, but I do something called body talk. And body talk really has an ability for a practitioner to talk to your body and it reconnects you through somatic awareness, but it also works in the body. So it helps release stored trauma patterns. And so when I went there, luckily yesterday I was at her office as I took the call, and some of the things that she said was that there was rage and shock and disgust and all of these lower vibrational feelings that were stuck in my lungs, my heart, and in my stomach. And since the event happened on May 9th, I gained like 12 pounds. It's because it was also in my blood and my nervous system. So even though I'm doing the work, my body is still trying to process it, right? And I think knowing that that call was coming, I needed to have some sort of closure. And although there is not closure in like what happened to him and the justice that was served, I am choosing to close the door on it for myself. And although it happened to me, it is not who I am. And I'm not going to take on that identity. Now, everyone has a different perspective on when they go through trauma and how they process it. And I really believe that I was put in that situation for a reason. And this is part of the work that I do, but I really had to understand how to help my body let it go. So body talk was one of the things that I did. I also do the brain tap. You guys know I love the brain tap so much. And the brain tap really helps me because it uses sight and sound to guide brain waves through beta, which is that high alert stressness, okay, into alpha and theta. And that's like that relaxed state. So what I wanted to do was I wanted to take that shock that I had in my mind, in my nervous system, and I wanted to work through it. And because the brain tap kind of works with different brainwave states and it shifts you out of threat mode and into that vagal tone, that's what I wanted, right? So it works on both hemispheres at the same time. And that helps my prefrontal cortex. So that, you know, that cognitive thinking that got stuck, it helps it come back online after being into that freeze mode. So with my clients, a lot of times if I'm doing in person, I actually use the brain tap on them. Some of the research that I've done, even in perimenopause and working with women that are going through, you know, difficult times with anxiety and difficulties sleeping and all the things that are due to an overstimulated nervous system. I use the brain tap with them. So it is a very great tool to use, and it's very intimately tied with my practice. And then yesterday, another thing that I did was I used my inversion table. The inversion table, it basically flips you upside down and it uses inversion to decompress the spine. And why I chose to do that yesterday is it helps me basically take the pressure off of my nervous system's main highway, which is running up and down my spine, but it also helps with lymphatic fluid because when I'm in that state, it's supporting me to drain, it's supporting to reduce the inflammation. So if you have chaotic thoughts or thoughts that are negative or things that kind of put you into a stress situation that's going to lead to more inflammation. So allowing myself to be into that inverted state for three minutes, which is what I did yesterday, it's so funny because in the past, like years ago, I could never go upside down for that long. I would feel like I couldn't breathe. But it helps increase the flow, it helps the pressure, it takes that body out of that stuck, sympathetic, freeze mode. One of the other things that I had noticed, because even before the body talk, I realized that this trauma was stuck in my lungs. I felt like there was smoke in my throat. Like I couldn't breathe. And so even when I was doing the brain tap, I would notice that you're kind of consciously unconscious in this situation when you're brain tapping, but I felt like I couldn't breathe. And so I found myself, even when I was sleeping on regular days and I was trying to breathe, and I would like go, like I felt like my lungs were stuck and that trauma was in my lungs. It's really interesting because all of the things that I'm doing are helping my lungs, it's helping my stomach, it's helping my nervous system, but supporting my body as best that I know how. The work that I do is all about helping people recognize that the emotional state of us is energy in motion, right? Emotions are energy in motion. And I do not want that stuff stuck in my body. I want it to move out and through me, I'm gonna process it. These are some of the tools that I use to help me process. And finally, I recognize today that one of the things that I always have done that has helped me move energy is run. For a long time, I stopped running because for me, it's like all or nothing. As that high-achieving woman, it's like, I gotta run a marathon. I'm not running like for two miles, right? I gotta do it all. And I recognize that as I'm moving through my lifespan, I have to see myself through a different lens. And so today I ran and I felt so good because I felt strong. I felt empowered. I did a walk run. So at first I started with two minutes of walking, one minute running, and then I moved up to one and a half to three minutes, and I did that, and I did two and a half miles, and it felt really good to be in my body again. Because remember, when I went through that trauma, I disconnected from my body. I outsourced my power. I gave it up to somebody else. And so in that moment, yesterday, today, and moving forward, it's about me empowering me and the tools that I can use to help me move that negative, heavy energy through my body. And so today I come on not just to say that like I do believe that there is one judge. So even if it doesn't matter what that judge said, that crown attorney, even if the ruling was not in my favor, my faith knows that justice will be served and it's out of my hands now. But what can I do to support myself through that? And so I want to share in real time like these are the things that I'm doing. I am no different than any of the people that I coach. I'm going to use those same tools for myself. One of the things that one of my guests said last week was that it doesn't matter how much money you have, it doesn't matter what degrees you have, it doesn't matter what level of prestige you are or what family you were born into, life will always be lifing with you. I chose how I can empower myself in this moment because I know that my job, my role, what I do in my practice is so much bigger than me in this one situation. And I am not gonna let it stop me. So that's my episode today. I showed you what my protocol is for recovery, and I'm sure I will probably be doing some earseeds as well to help stimulate my nervous system. But as of this moment right now, I feel amazing and I will continue to do the work so that I can help you on your journey. So if you are somebody who has been through something traumatic, I'm not saying your journey is going to be the exact same as me. But what I am saying is there are so many tools to support you in that process to helping you back to yourself that I just hope that you find something in today's episode that will give you the courage and the empowerment to keep going. Until next time, guys. Thanks for listening.