ADHD & Business Burnout: Why It’s Affecting Your Family (No One Talks About This)

ADHD, business pressure and burnout don’t just affect you — they follow you home.

In this episode of the Mind Over Mortar podcast, Luke and Matt answer real questions from listeners before diving into something most people avoid talking about… how building a business while dealing with ADHD, overthinking and mental pressure impacts your family life.

This is an honest conversation about what happens behind the scenes — the stress, emotional spillover, guilt, and the tension between building something and still being present at home.

If you’re trying to grow in business but feel the pressure affecting your relationships, this will resonate.

In this episode we discuss:

• ADHD and business pressure at home

• How stress impacts family dynamics

• Emotional spillover and mental load

• Balancing ambition with being present

• Real listener questions and experiences

• The reality of building something while managing your mind

If this resonates with you, let us know in the comments:

Has business or pressure ever affected your home life?

Follow Mind Over Mortar for more real conversations around business, mindset, ADHD and personal growth.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening from wherever you're watching or listening. In this episode, we're going to talk about family, how our jobs, how being a business owner, and everything that goes along with that, including the ADHD and other elements of our lives that we struggle with, sort of play into the family aspect and to um really dive into how it affects us and how it affects our relationships. So we do have a few questions that have been asked by some of our viewers and listeners. So I've promised that we're gonna do some of these questions. So we're gonna start off with a couple of questions. Uh, I'm gonna ask Matt and then I'll uh I will elaborate myself. So the first question, Matt, is from Jamie. Um Jamie says, you guys talk a lot about ADHD and overthinking. Do you think the traits that make someone struggle in a normal environment are actually the same traits that make them capable of building something unusual in business? That is an interesting question.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

It's a very good question. Because the R and E is I'm gonna say no in my case, because I'm not very creative, I'm very good at following an already established process, uh, I'm not very good at coming up with my own creative ideas. However, the reason I say no to that is because that's me personally, but for you, like I feel that you're more creative than me, for example. So uh I feel like the ADA traits in my sorry, ADHD traits in my case, um are more of a a focus problem rather than a well maybe it relates to the creativity as well. Um but they for me are more of a focus and overwhelm problem where I'm struggling to uh prioritize the task that I'm doing. So I don't necessarily think it relates to coming up with the ideas necessarily, but maybe it does. But it's more of a case of what I'm aware of that I struggle to get the tasks together and then stick to that routine of following them where I get very distracted by other things in the process. Um, it's something that I'm looking to work towards and uh constantly trying to improve on the prioritization so uh that I don't get overwhelmed. So, uh for example, in other podcasts you've talked about your alarm system, haven't you? So uh and again going back to the question, it's not necessarily a situation of does it affect your ideas when it comes to business, it's just more sticking to the ideas as I go. So going back to the like the create creativity aspect of it, like do you feel that the creativity is uh something that you struggle with? Because to me, I think that you're more creative than me. That's how I see it.

SPEAKER_00 3:08

Well, I wouldn't necessarily sound more creative than you. No, I think we're all I think we're all creative in our own in our own ways, you know. I mean, obviously we have we have things in the world like disciplines in the world where you go, right, well, I'm creative in this space and I'm creative in this space, but we're all creative in our own way as well. And you know, in the same way that you know these traits can make you bored in school, but make you an amazing problem solver in business.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

Yeah, that's interesting.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

I find that that's for me, that's it, that resonates massively because like I've said in the past, you know, I was you know, with my school background in school, I didn't do very well. Um, you know, I I was just the naughty kid. Um, but I'm a fantastic problem solver. Like, and that's what I feel like that trait resonates more with me, is the problem solving side of things. Um, you know, it it's it's not is it like more of a hindrance or a solution, you know, and working out what those are, um, because then that will you'll be able to choose the path, you know, on and whether you continue with it or or whether you don't. Um, so I think that being a being a problem solver for me, and that's um for my ADHD brain, I guess, is important. That is something that I work with every single day. And if I don't have problems to solve, I get bored. So where I wasn't interested in school, I was bored because you know, again, I I like I've said I don't necessarily agree with the the UK schooling system and and and how they how they teach our kids. I just don't think that there is they don't teach all of our kids, our kids, you know, everything about um what's what what's actually important in life, um, you know, skills and that, um, about business and money and other bits and pieces, but you know, it's like a like I said before, it's a memory exercise. So I realised that early on, and I realised that there wasn't necessarily a chance to problem solve because there was always a right answer.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Yeah, I agree with that.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Does that make sense? Yes, I do agree with that. Like there's always a right answer, and the teacher will know what that answer is, and you know, it's put your hands up if you know the answer to it, and you might have four kids that say something that's close to the answer, and she'll say, or he'll say, Yeah, okay, I like where you're going with it, but what else? And then someone will eventually say the answer the teacher has in the head. That's the only answer.

SPEAKER_02 5:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

So problem solving isn't about finding one particular answer, it's about finding, you know, an a network of invi uh of answers and figuring out which one actually fits. That's it. Perspective. Perspective.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

Perspective, isn't it? Because at the end of the day. I'll tell you what, this is this is something that um I think maybe has held me back a little bit in life where I've had that very systemized attitude. Um where I've always thought, okay, there's a right answer. And that's the same with business. Okay, so my dad, he had an engineering business. I always thought, okay, so I have to build a business that way, because that's how my dad did it. And um it doesn't work like that, does it? And that that comes from the system, so I completely agree with you about the school system. It doesn't it's not there to help you take the tools that you've got and optimize on them. It's there to teach you to fit in with the system, which as far as ADHD is concerned, um, where you have your set of tools, you need to learn how to optimize them. Um so going back to the question, for example, if you can utilize the ADHD tools that you have in your brain, it becomes an exceptional skill, it becomes a superpower, like we mentioned before. The same with dyslexia, ADD. Every form of tools, as I see it, if you can learn to optimize them, then it becomes perfect for business. That's what you want. However, if it if you become systemized, uh it doesn't, which is kind of why I say no in my case, because I have been systemized being in the system in the past. So, and that's what I'm now trying to work towards. It's part of the reason we're doing this, so that we can grow together. So uh that is an interesting question.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

So thank you, Jamie. Appreciate that question. Um, got another question from Rebecca Collins. Um, she says, How do you tell the difference between a genuine bad day where you should rest and a day where your brain is just trying to avoid something uncomfortable that you actually need to do?

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Oh wow, that's that's a great question actually. Now you get the physical feeling of burnout. I think I think everyone in life has experienced that. Whether they acknowledge it or not, I don't know. Because um a lot of driven people, a lot of parents um as well, who have to provide obviously, um they will experience burnout, but you just keep pushing and you may not recognise that you're burnt out, and then it can lead to other issues as they all um escalate on top of each other. So for me, um with my injuries that I've got from the past, um I get a lot more pain as I get burnt out. I I feel the pain, I get tendonitis, I get back pain, um, I get pain in my pelvis and my glutes uh from my accident.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Talk about that a bit more because you've you're not actually you've not actually spoken about like you've you've told us about the accident and like briefly and and what the results of that were, but you don't you haven't actually ex you know gone into detail on how how that like affects you maybe like daily. Yeah and what that looks like for you like when you get out of bed in the morning or if you're having a a day where the pain is is particularly bad and like throughout the day, but you're out, you're at work, or whatever. Like what is what does that look like?

SPEAKER_01 9:28

Yeah, so to summarize uh 2015, I had a motorbike accident. Um I was 23 at the time and I broke uh three vertebrae in my back and um my pelvis, so I've got screws in my pelvis and um a couple of wonky vertebrae um which makes me sort of stoop forward. So uh my back, uh the erectus spinae, which is the muscles that go down the side of your spine, um they go into spasm quite often, um, and I get lower back pain as well because I'm constantly trying to fight the the need to sit like this where it's comfortable. So for me, a lot of core training, a lot of pull-ups, a lot of back work to make sure that everything's strong. Um if I don't keep up with that or I get burnt out, then the muscles become weak, or the pain is escalated in the case of burnout, where it then heightens the pain, so then it affects my mood. So I don't then want to get on with the day, for example. So with regards to getting up in the morning, um it it's it's difficult, it's it hurts. It you ache, you get up and you're like, and you and I'm constantly thinking, and this this happened when I was 23, and uh I was thinking like I'm I'm 23, this shouldn't happen. Why do I ache like an old man? Now everyone everyone has got aches and pains in their body. We've all got niggles because we're machines, you know, machines they they go wrong. So people will have knee pain, they will have pain in their hands, they'll have carpal tunnel, we've all got problems. But for me, because um of the combination of my pelvis and my glute issues and my back, it all resonates from my core, so then it has a massive effect on my entire body, basically. Where if going back to the training, if I don't keep up with the training and I get weak, then the muscles tend to go into spasm. Um, so if they go into spasm, then I'm kind of crippled and like oh, you know, and we we all know what that's like when you bend down and your back goes into spasm, you're like, oh, can't move. So uh, and that has a vicious cycle on your mindset because when I had my crash, for example, I was thinking, I'm too young for this. Why has this happened to me? Why, why, why, why, why? And there was a lot of there was a lot of blaming, there was a lot of uh procrastination because I was just feeling sorry for myself, you know, and um I probably ran in denial for a long time as well. So I then overcompensated because I knew, oh well, I've got to train, so I train harder and I train too much, which would then lead to the burnout. For example, I know this is going a little bit off the subject of ADHD, but I feel like it's similar going back to the question where you then put yourself in that burnout state without realizing because in my with my accident, um I was overcompensating because I thought I had to train harder to make sure that you know everything was in control, um, and you don't realise this happening at the time. Then it leads to uh sleepless nights because you're worried because you have to provide, you have to add value to life, you have to be able to earn money for your family. So then you get paranoid as whether you're gonna do that because I'm I I was always concerned about my body failing. Um and for a long time I didn't recognise it in relation to the question. I didn't recognise it for a long time, and I'd say it's only recently, like the past probably two or three years, and bearing in mind that's seven years after the accident as well, that I started to recognise that there was a problem. Um because the lack of sleep from doing shift work in the past and then uh not sleeping because of uh the the sort of anxiety from uh trying to keep pushing and then worrying about my body, for example, it all escalated over time, and I was renovating my house at the time as well, which I feel like that's another subject actually for another day. But I feel like that that was part of me trying to overcompensate because I was trying to prove something to the world that I was okay. So I took on uh my project and I renovated my my house um entirely on my own, built my garage, my patio, bathroom, full gut job, and uh I think it was part of that proving process to the world, um, which relates to our earlier episodes about the fear of judgment, I suppose, as well. Um we've gone a little bit off subject from the original questions.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Yeah, going back to going back to the to to the question then, so it you know it so how how do you recognise what a real a bad day is where you need to rest compared to a day where you're just putting it off because you've got difficult things to get done on that day?

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Yeah, for me it's the pain. Yeah, it's now it's now the pain. Um when you you feel it, don't you? You you you feel if you're tired in your face, you feel you feel like your body's heavy. Um for me the pain escalates in my back and and in my um in my um my hands and everything like that as well from the tendonitis. So I also get in that mental state of overwhelm very easily when I'm burnt out as well. It becomes very difficult to regulate. Um so when I'm burnt out, that's when the mind starts racing, basically. So in comparison to when I just don't want to get on with the uncomfortable tasks, which is just like oh I've got to do that, haven't I? Oh and I'll look at my phone a little bit more. Oh, I'll uh go and do that, I'll go and make a coffee. That's different, that's laziness. So that's how I recognise it now because my body is basically telling me through through pain that it's it's burnt out, it's tired, it needs to rest.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

So how does that relate to you? How do you feel? I don't I don't really know, if I'm honest with you. I I don't I don't think there's um I don't think there's a I don't think there's something in me that goes today's a bad day. Like I I I kind of have to start my day to to recognise that. Like yesterday, like I messaged you in the evening, I was burnt out. Yeah, I was absolutely dead. I had a headache, I was just I'd sat in front of a computer for like 12 hours, and you know, I just it was just one of those days where I just felt literally drained, and I was like, oh I'm gonna feel it tomorrow as well. And you know, I don't really feel too bad today. I feel like I'm just uh more lethargic today than than I normally would be. Um but it but that's like for me it's peaceful. Like actually my Tourette's is is really stable today. Like me being able to suppress it, um, me being able to suppress it now feels easier. Why do you think it's more stable today then? Because but I think it's because my brain is tired. So because my brain's tired, it it doesn't have like the the new like the neuro um firing mechanism in my brain isn't as active today. Yeah, so because of that I feel more calm, yeah. So having a bad day for me is not always a bad thing because it means that like my next day is is and the day after that maybe is probably I get a bit of a break from my Tourette's. Yeah. Because that's what a lot of people don't uh anyone who doesn't have it wouldn't understand. But it's all it's almost like um the way I would describe it is having having respite from your kids. Like if you've got two young, I've got a four-year-old and a two-year-old, and like they they they go, they could be a nightmare, they're almost five and three, and they can be an absolute nightmare when you put them together. Um our daughter at the moment, she's she's really whingy, um, but then when the mother of or you know, the mum, my mum or my mother-in-law, whatever, is like, oh well, we'll have the kids tonight. You two you two go out for a meal or something, you know, like we'll have the kids over this day. Like, you're like, oh you know, like and and you can just relax, like you can relax in yourself, and that's kind of what it's like when when I get a break from my Tourette's. It's almost like you've got two kids just like clinging to you all day long, just screaming at you. Um that is something that we can all relate to, can't we? Yeah, well, parents will know that for me. Any parents, obviously not everyone's a parent, but um, you know, I I I that's that's how I would that's how I would give you some insight. That's insight. Yeah, it's it it it it can be it can be difficult. Um, you know, and it's not it's not that like this this podcast that we're doing, we only talk about these things, we're only talking about ADHD, and we're only talking about you know problems that we've got that are neurological or physical or something like that. It's just that when when we do talk about you know how we're we're we're both trying to become successful, you know, in our our own ventures and our own journeys, so the pressure alone with doing that is for me quite exponential, you know, because I believe in myself, but again, those intrusive thoughts, they're always there, they're always at you know at the back of your mind. So, um, so yeah, for me, a bad day um is where my um my my my brain activity is really high, and they tend to be on days where I feel good.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

So it's again really when you say good, do you mean your body feels good or do you mean driven?

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Driven, yeah, like me. Yeah, my body feels good, I feel driven, you know, I'm up, I'm I'm raring to go, you know, and I'm being productive, you know. I get I I can I can just get loads of work done. Um the the days when my brain is firing like that, those are the days where I suffer the most. Yeah. Um so you know it's it's counterintuitive.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

It's it's high energy consumption, isn't it? Yeah, being in that state.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

It's the bandwidth that my brain has to process on, you know. My my brain's constantly processing at a massive bandwidth, you know, it's in like the the terabytes, yeah. Um, you know, constantly. So for for me, like I can say, like today, it's lovely. I feel so like and it is the closest that I can feel to someone who doesn't have it, yeah. You know, so you'll notice that my ticks aren't as aggressive today or uh they're not as frequent today, and even though I'm talking about it, which tends to prompt it to you know kick in, um like that. Um it it's it's just not it's not really there. So crazy. So yeah, so that that hopefully that answers your question, Rebecca. Um thank you for sending it in. Um yeah, we went a little bit off subject. Yeah, we did, yeah, but you know, that's that's what we do. That's what we do here. It's our podcast, isn't it? Uh I've got a question from from Daniel. We'll do one more question and then we'll go on to the episode. Uh one question from Daniel. Um do people fail because of lack of capability or lack of belief?

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Oh, definitely the belief. Yeah, definitely the belief. Um the way I see it is anyone can learn a skill. It might be harder to learn that skill, but anyone can do it. Now you will you will have physical capabilities, so I don't want people Firing at me going, hang on, but I'm missing an arm, so I can't play tennis, you know. But uh I that you obviously have to like play to your strengths in life. We're all we're all given a set of skills um that we're we're good at and some we're not, but I do believe that you can uh you can learn anything, but it just depends on how much effort you're willing to put into it. Uh having said that, whether you're gonna be an expert at it or not is a different story.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

Uh yeah, I think I yeah, I I I agree. I mean, um I think that a lot of people, I don't know, again, we we're not we're certainly not gurus, we're not you know, we're just answering on behalf of ourselves, I suppose, at the moment, but a lot of people have more capability than they think they do, and it's they it really comes down to like action paralysis, like it's just not taking action, yeah. Um, and that's where like those confidence issues sort of come in as well. So, I mean the capability side of things and the belief side of things, I think that they are um I think we shouldn't ignore the belief because being capable in something is one thing, but believing that you can do it as well is the other, and I think for me it goes the other way around, like you have to believe that you can do something, and then you feel capable to do that thing. So I think they work in tandem. I don't think like you can have one or the other, like it's it's not like one is the the the driven factor over the other. I think they're both as important as each other, you know. For me at least anyway, having that belief first gives me the gives me the the the capability, I think, you know, to do it, whether it's mental, whether it's physical, or whatever. You know, if if you see someone do something that you don't feel like you're capable of doing, and then you watch someone else do it, and you go, I didn't actually look that hard. You're gonna give it a go, aren't you?

SPEAKER_01 23:59

I think so. Uh then then then what often happens is you do it and then you realize it's really hard. Because they've put a lot of effort into becoming capable.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Um yeah, but nothing worth obtaining in this life comes easy.

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Definitely not, definitely not. Um that's that's an interesting concept because I so ADHD brain thrives on um the dopamine of learning new tasks, right? And this is a problem that uh I I suffer from with massively, right? I go, wow, I want to learn to do that.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Before you carry on, hang on, don't don't lose that train of thought. I think this is a really relatable, I know where you're going with this, and I think this is really relatable. So if you're listening to this and this sounds like you, and you don't think you've got ADHD or or anything like that, then if you if if you familiarise yourself or or find yourself in in this in these stories, then it the likelihood is you probably do. So sorry, Matt, carry on.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

You're talking about that's fine, because again, that's why we're doing this. We want to reach out to the people that this resonates with so that we can improve and grow together going forward. And uh the people that are listening to this, if they reach out to us, they might have different views and concepts as well as to what we're saying. So we we'd love to hear those views from you as well, so yeah, reach out. But um, I have always thrived on the challenge of something new. So what happens is I know all these skills, and I've said this to you before, I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. But tell me the rest of the phrase.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

People get right, so people get it wrong, right? And this really frustrates me, right? The the saying goes, well, people think it's jack of all, master of none, which is a negative, it leave you know the it's a downflexion when you when you finish that sentence. Jack of all trades, master of none. And that sounds negative, but it's not, it's actually a positive, it's actually a positive um saying, but no one finishes the sentence. So the real sentence goes, the original one was a jack of all trades, master of none, but a jack of all is better than one. Because if you've got the capabilities and ability to do lots and lots of different things, you know, but you're not necessarily a master at any one particular one of them, then that makes you so much more trans like uh usable, like your skills are so much more usable than someone who's dedicated themselves to one very specific, you know, avenue.

SPEAKER_01 26:30

Yeah, but there's a there is a belief, and I do believe it as well, um, that you know, if if you're gonna make money and lots of money, you've got to be a specialist. But the problem is it then isolates you and makes you vulnerable, doesn't it? Um so I I feel like maybe I've taken it to the other extreme where I I lear I just I just thrived on the on the excitement of a new challenge, basically, uh which then kind of hinders you because I have all these skills but I don't know what to do with them. Yeah. Um which is where being an expert where you're focusing all of your time on that exact thing is much better in that sense, but it makes you niche, leaves you very specialist. I have a mate actually, he's a um he's a professional audio mixer, and um he is exceptional at it, but the problem is it's a very specialist industry, it's it's it takes specialist knowledge, um, and he's got some students and he's trying to teach those students and reach out to to to grow his student base as well, but it's quite difficult because it's such a niche subject. But his benefit is that he is then alone and he's marketing himself as that specialist, makes it easier to I suppose charge what you need to, but then you have a smaller client base. So if you relate that to what we do in in property, yes, you want a specialist, so uh uh so we know like hotel guys, don't we? We know um commercial guys, we know uh rent-to-rent guys, and they kind of specialise, but at the same time they obviously have to uh to adapt as things go. Um so it's a case of utilising your specialism to a point, but being adaptable, I suppose is the word. Um yeah, so I've got a bit off subject there again. No, it's fine. Uh so so for me, like um what I'm trying to say is I've got lots of skills in various things, uh music, sports, um, engineering. I am working towards specialism now so that I can then grow in that one specialism better, but I know that I've got fallback if something didn't work. But going back to the original question, you have to believe that that's gonna work in order for it to work, because if you don't, it's not gonna work. Even if you are a specialist at it. So going back to the uh my audio engineer guy, he works with a lot of musicians and they are exceptional musicians, but they're not marketing themselves because they haven't got the belief. Yeah. So then they're not lucrative business people, they're just they're they're they're keeping themselves in their bedroom, they're absolutely like shredding on guitar, for example, but they're not putting themselves out there because they don't believe it. And um it's something that I've struggled with for a long time as well. I I haven't believed that I was worth putting myself out there for. Um and it hinders you, it holds you back. It has a negative impact on your on your mind and and how you portray yourself to the world as well.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

I just I just think that you know what what you know, just just very quickly, of course, then answer. How much foresight do you think you and I'm not asking for like a long answer or anything like that, but like how much foresight do you think that you need before you go into a specialist niche where you're gonna earn lots of money, how much foresight do you feel like you need to have before you do that? Oh, me? Loads. In reality, probably not that much. So do you think it's worth getting into being a data analyst at the moment then?

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Uh for me that's something I've never explored. No, no, no. I mean like maybe I should go and try it. No, no, no, no, no, I'm not saying it like that.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

I'm saying if you were looking at like, let's say someone was looking at they want to become a data analyst, yeah, right? Is that a good path to go down right now? Me personally, absolutely not. No, for me me neither. In the age of AI, like those jobs gone. They're gone, like they're gone. I mean, even like some SEO jobs in like big companies, like junior, uh junior roles in like soliciting firms and stuff like that, like AI is now taking over like a lot of these jobs. Yeah. So having that, like no one would have known that. And like if you go back to the Industrial Revolution, right, where you've got all these people working on production lines here, right? They're all saying, Oh, well, you know, some guy comes up and he's like, Well, I've got robots now that are going to come and do all this stuff, all this machine, you know, stuff that's all gonna do it for us. And well, lots of people were you know being threatened out of a job. So they were striking, they were look, you know, they were they were fighting against it basically, against the um innovation. They were fighting against innovation. And did they win? No, they didn't, because you can't fight against innovation, you have to go with it.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

So that that's a different uh concept, that's unionization, systemization, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 31:56

Yeah, systemisation, yeah. But but that's where these people, you know, that that was their livelihood, that was their their day job. Do you know what I mean? Like and and you think about like coal miners now, like is that even a job anymore? You know, it's yeah, well it must be because I'd yeah, I'd You say it must be, but like do people still go down into the mines with their helmet on and their light on and their pickaxe and you know come out looking like you know, with black soot all over there, you know, and just like what? Do they still take a canary down there with them? Like, do you know what I mean? Like what I'm trying to say is like innovation happens over time, and you either you either get on board with it and you stay ahead of the curve and you know you make money doing it that way, yeah, or you fight innovation and inevitably have to give into it, but by that time, there's no niche left for you, there's no market there for you to sort of dive into where you can you can basically you can like corner a section of it and make it yours. Um you know, I know this is going off topic, but but uh you know anyway, it's I this is this is uh definitely an uh something that we want to talk about because I I'm really I'm really interested in um in innovation, technology, science, and like AI and stuff like that. I work with AI every single day, uh every day without fail. Some days I only talk to AI, um other than my wife and kids morning and evening.

SPEAKER_01 33:14

So yeah, it's yeah, but uh whereas in contrast I've got quite an old-fashioned brain. Um I I although I'm adaptable in physical skill set, I'm not as adaptable as you, where you're you're you thrive on the innovation, don't you? Yeah, um, I am more of a mindset of well that's that's how it's always been, so that must work. Which is where where um going back to what I was saying about the um with the first question, where I'm not very creative, I suppose the word is I'm not very innovative. However, obviously in business to thrive, you have to be innovative. Do you think there's a point where innovation gets out of control, where it becomes too much, i.e., there's too much progression that it actually hinders.

SPEAKER_00 34:11

This is this is a this is a whole conversation. We have gone completely off subject. This is a whole conversation, yeah. I mean, we I think we've answered uh Daniel's question anyway about the capability and um lack of capability or lack of belief, and you know, my standpoint is that you need the belief and the capability for it to yeah to work basically, it's not just sort of one or the other. Um we'll have to do another episode. I think so, I think so. Anyway, right, so going back to the subject that we were going to be talking about today, so I would like to know how everything that we've sort of spoken about in the last sort of three or four episodes up to now, you know, we talk about it to the camera, we talk about our day while we're at work. We briefly touch on our home life and our family, but we don't really sort of go into details with it, and I I feel like this is gonna be something that a lot of people relate to, regardless whether they've got ADHD or not. So I suppose how does that look for you and your family when you're at home and you know you're doing you're doing your thing? Like you're you know, you're Matt. So how does your ADHD and like your maybe like your burnout and how you're working and your patterns and all that, how does that how does that affect it when you how affect you when you take it home?

SPEAKER_01 35:34

Yeah, it's a great question. Because uh my wife and I, I've got my wife and my little boy. We we're two contrasting personalities, but we uh we have the same morals. So what I mean by the contrasting personalities is my ADHD means that I have the up and the down, euphoria, depression, euphoria depression, burnout, blah blah blah, the cycle just continues. And what it does is it then has a massive effect on my wife who's very stable, but she struggles pushing out of her comfort zone. Whereas I thrive on being uncomfortable, but because of the burnout, I sometimes struggle to keep the consistency, which you need. So we we in essence compliment each other very well. But uh my euphoria is great to be around when I'm like that, and we we have a great time together, but when I crash, which literally happen in a in a finger click, you come straight down to the depression, and then suddenly everything makes me angry because I'm burnt out, and this will literally happen, like the cycle will happen like maybe once or twice a day. It's getting a lot less as I'm getting older. But what it does is it's exhausting for my wife because she won't know where I'm at. Now this doesn't happen. People don't see uh who are outside my family, they don't see that cycle quite as much. My friends have always uh seen it because when I get comfortable, I think that's when the cycles are portrayed. Like for example, you you say when you're relaxed with your Tourette's you tick more. And I feel like my ADHD with with my sorry, you tick less, sorry. Um it's a similar situation. When you're relaxed, your your real your real self comes out, so then the effect it has on my wife is that she's exhausted because she's dealing with this inconsistency of me. But the reality is um because I'm always wanting to push the up cycle and the drive that I've got to succeed, but my wife is more consistent, she's more leveled, she's more like, okay, we've got this, let's maintain it. I'm like, no, push forward. I get frustrated, which then adds to the uh to the the cycle because these little frustrations they build up, build up, build up. And uh someone said to me, maybe it was you, um, about a champagne bottle being shaken, and uh you keep shaking, you keep shaking, and then suddenly the torque explodes, and then rage it comes out as anger. And that's how it's portrayed, and it's focused on usually the person that's closest to me, which unfortunately is my wife. So um, so then what happens is she shuts down, and we've been together a long time, so she's become hardened to this, but I feel guilty afterwards because I I now understand the cycle, and and then the the frustration is targeted at her, you know, it's not it's not physical, I'll just clear that up. But uh the the you have all of this stuff inside your brain, and then it has to release, and it just it's aimed at the person that's nearest to you, and this has happened with uh with with mates before as well, you know, you'll be in a mate's group, and then there'll be little frustrations, and then suddenly someone says something and then snap, it goes. And um you've said to me before, like, well, you don't look angry, and and I don't to most people, but I'm most I the people that are closest to me get the cycle the most, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:47

Unfortunately, they burden the brunt of your uh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:51

Exactly, but the problem is, which is also not a problem, it's a really good thing, is that because we have the same morals, we both want the best for our child, for example, we both want to be successful in life. Uh you know, we're still together, which is good. I'm very happy about that. Too. So do you have a similar situation, a similar cycle, or is it different for you?

SPEAKER_00 40:19

Uh it's it's definitely it's definitely different, but um I'm probably a nightmare to live with. Well, this is the thing, I mean, yeah, but my wife would probably say I was an I could be an absolute nightmare to live with, but then so can she, and she knows that. I'm pretty sure she's got ADHD as well, she thinks she does. Um and uh you know it's like you've got two people with it in the same household. Um I'm I'm a lot better than I used to be. A lot, a lot better. When I was younger, um you know, when I was in my my 20s, uh my my relationship with with my wife was well, wasn't married back then, but like it was a lot different. I was I don't know, I just I was younger. I was like, you know, I I I would just be um more spontaneous and um I would I would I would crash and burn a bit quicker and you know I just I didn't know where my limits were. It's almost like drinking, isn't it? As you get when you're younger, like you drink and you just always seem to like drink to excess, and then like as you get older, you're like, yeah, I don't really like hangovers anymore. So like you're like you I'll be a bit more careful with it. And then you end up having two pints one evening, and then you end up with a hangover regardless, and you're like, what fuck's sake? What's going on? So then like you have to limit yourself to one, and it's like, do you know what I mean? But you learn that over time, yeah. And I learn over time, you know, how to how to do it. And for me, obviously, I get lots of other frustrations, you know, with with my other conditions, like with OCD and with like Tourette's and like the ADD, like the A the AD family, you know the hyperactive and the non-hyperactive, the ADD stuff, the attention deficit disorder, that one's like should be talking to me, she'd be telling me something, yeah. And and I just zone out. Like, I just I just literally zone out, and she'll get done saying what she said, and and then ask me a follow-up question, and I'm like, hmm. You know, and I I'm just I have no idea I have no idea, but I just it you know, sometimes it's not it's not because I'm losing interest in what she's saying, it's just that my brain just wanders. It's like it just goes into daydream mode, like quite quickly when I'm tired.

SPEAKER_01 42:35

Do you do it with other people?

SPEAKER_00 42:36

Yeah, so I was gonna say, so but sometimes it's not necessarily um because I'm tired. Like, I could be with a group of mates here, right? And one of them will be talking, and I'm just bored of what he's saying, yeah, and like what what they're talking about, I'm just bored. I'm like, I'm not interested in what you're talking about right now, and I'll just switch off. Yeah, and I will just switch off. And in in the past, yeah, right, I've been out with the boys and that, and they're just we're sitting out for a meal or whatever, and they're having we're having dinner and they're they're talking about some stuff, and uh, and I'm just like, yeah, I'm going to do that, and I'll just leave. Yeah, just I just I just I just leave. You relate to that, yeah. Uh but i I don't know, it just like it I'm I'm not being stimulated, I guess. That's what it comes down to.

SPEAKER_01 43:23

When you uh are coming up to that event though, for example, right, you're gonna get out and watch the rugby after the weekend uh with your mates two o'clock, right? Yeah, everyone's buzzing. Come on, let's go to town and yeah on it. And then uh it's great for uh for a few hours, isn't it? And then it declines. Now, do you do you feel that as well? Because for me that's like the cycle that I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:47

So you you get like the it's it's almost like uh it's almost like doing like NDMA, isn't it? You you you do it. You do it. I was young once. So I haven't actually done that before. Tell me about this experience. I could tell you a few stories. But um yeah, I mean it it's like you get this you get this euphoric high, you come up, and then you just like you're sitting on cloud nine, do you know what I mean? Like everything's just great, like you love everyone, you love everything. Um you're in the moment, and that's like the build-up to the pregame, like up to where you're going doing or whatever, and then inevitably it wears off, and then you're on a massive come down, and that's what happens there, like you just get a big dopamine dump in the beginning, and then your body is like we need to replenish, come on, let's fight, you know, let's get some get some more dopamine into his brain, but you you can't replace it quick enough. So, like you end up going down, and you you you get like depressed, and and you just and that's sometimes when I'm like that, I've had a massive dopamine dump or whatever, because I'm going out and meeting a few mates and I'm enjoying it or whatever, and and and it's almost like I have a fun meter.

SPEAKER_01 44:57

That's a great way of putting it, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:59

It's almost like I've got a fun meter, and it runs out. It does, yeah. It's and and I have to refuel it. It's like you know, going to the going to the petrol station and refueling your car. Like is it it's only good for so long, yeah. And then once that's done, it's depleted. I'm like, I'm bored, I'm going home.

SPEAKER_01 45:14

And and I don't have any qualms, I'm not exactly the same. I don't have any qualms with just going, ah bye. Just kind of like off and go.

SPEAKER_00 45:22

Half the time they don't even realise I've left. So they're all focused talking on what they're talking about, and I'm just like, bye.

SPEAKER_01 45:30

Yeah, uh that that is a great way of putting it, actually. Like the the MDNA um like the cycle of dopamine, that is ADHD down the team. And the cycle that I talk about, that that is that. But what can also happen is along with the fun meter running out, which which just kind of happens naturally. If there's a trigger that upsets me, the fun meter doesn't run out, it just explodes. Yeah. And it breaks. Yeah, and then it's just it's like it's like a car crashing into a brick wall. Yeah, it comes to a stop pretty quick, doesn't it? It does, yeah. Um but what happens first is the kind of like the the the release of all that frustration. So uh going back to how that affects other people though, when you've been with someone for a long time, you obviously both get quite hardened to it, don't you? You you understand the cycle, but well you become ignorant to it, I think.

SPEAKER_00 46:32

You do, yeah. That's what happens, and that's what happens in my relationship, I think, with with my wife. Like, we've just sort of become quite ignorant to those to those cycles, and what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to better identify them. So my my my wife's fantastic, she's she's such a good, she's such a good mum, and she's such a laid back person. And like we've spoken about this before, um, and I've never really spoken about this before, other than to Matt. But I feel like when I first when I met my wife, she was you know, she was very laid back, she was very fun, she wants, you know, very sort of bubbly, happy go lucky. Um but like as we've grown older together, um, I was I was never really like that. I've never really had that, like I think I've spoken about it in the past about like not feeling that happiness, and um, I kind of sit, I kind of sit on the more biased towards the neutral side than I do like a uh a bubbly or happy side. Um actually I sit quite far towards the neutral side, like um whereas she didn't, she was she was very sort of happy and bubbly, where but as as as we've grown older together and we're married and we've got kids and that, and I know that life is is partly to do with this, you know, and stresses that you know we both example you know um have in our in our lives, but because I was never like that, and I was always quite an affirmative person as well, and she was quite submissive, like when someone would say something, instead of argue with them, she would just say, okay, fine, you know, and accept it. Whereas now she won't, like she will fight her corner no matter what, and it's not a bad thing, but I feel like I've hardened her, if that makes sense. Yeah, like I I want I want that softer side for my wife again, and I don't know whether that's achievable, because I feel like once you start putting on armour, it's really it's easy to get it on, but it's very difficult to take it off to like take it off again. So I feel partly responsible for for that. Um and it's it's it's it's kind of hard to live with, kind of hard to to deal with, because you know you've you've changed someone, like you've actually changed someone, yeah. Their their beliefs, their perspectives, their the way how they sort of like how they carry themselves and how they deal with things. Like they they they they've taken on a lot of my traits. And I and I think that's like what happens in relationships, like you share stuff, like you you give this, they give that, and you both have an equilibrium where you you share and you come to a sort of you know a level ground with it, and you both mix and it match with all of your with all your skills and and what you've got to offer, but some of them aren't ones that you want to pass on, and that's like you talk about family, you talk about passing these things on. I'm terrified at like passing the wrong things on to my kids, yeah. You know, absolutely terrified of it. Like my kids, they're they're you know, they're great. I mean they're just normal kids, but you don't think that I know they are, and I can sit here and I can say I know they're just normal kids. Well, they might might have Tourette's, I don't know. We will find out in a few years' time, but um they're normal kids, you know, they they they play, they fight, they argue, they they they laugh at stupid things. Do you know what I mean? They're just normal kids, but sometimes when you're when you're emotionally burnt out and you know you've had a bad day, and my wife's had a bad day, and we've got the kids and they're being particularly difficult, like that exhaustion, that mental exhaustion is just it's uh it's another level some days, and you you just wanna you just want to scream at them, you know. You just want to just like go, ah for God's sake, you know, you scream at the kids, but you know that it's not really gonna do anything. Like it doesn't matter. I've I've tried it, I've tried I've tried chatting at my kids. They don't listen when I don't shout, and they don't listen when I do shout.

SPEAKER_01 50:38

No, it's not well my my little boy now finds it funny, so uh which I'm I I'm actually like secretly happy about as well because uh it means that he's got he's got the the gumption to push, yeah, you know, and and uh that's that's one thing that um as always I've always wanted for my children is that they have the gumption to push forward, basically. Uh end of the day, I want them to be happy, I don't want them to be miserable with dirt. No. Uh but I want them to just have the willingness to try to push forward. And obviously you don't want your kids to make mistakes, but they have to in order to uh to grow and thrive just the same way we do. Um but going back to where you're saying that you're trying to then level out and control it, with your wife, for example, like knowing that she's kind of taken on your traits, like how does it make you feel? Do you feel guilty for it?

SPEAKER_00 51:39

Yeah, yeah, I do. I do I do feel guilty before it, but I don't know whether she we've never really spoken about it. So I know it seems weird, didn't it? Like I'm talking about it on a podcast and I've never really spoken to my wife about it. But I there's a point. I think well actually, I don't know, I might have done. Oh no, I have. I had sorry, no, I have. I have spoken to her about this. Not in depth though. But what do you think she would say if she was sitting right here now? I don't know. I don't really, I don't, I really don't know. I I I hope that she would well I I don't know whether she sees them as bad traits or not, that's the thing. I I recog I think I recognise them as traits that I I'm trying to improve on. Yeah. Um like I have a like a a short temper, but then you know, so does she sometimes. Um but I think that's just humans, you know. We we can all have short tempers sometimes. I don't think that's specific to one group of people. Um I think that she probably wouldn't be too sort of worried about it. Yeah, like she still does have that, you know, not very blas like you know, very blasé sort of uh approach to things as well. Um, but I'm not I don't think any of the traits that I've passed on are like you know dangerous or anything like that. It's just that you have that yin and yang, don't you? Like it you seem you have two different people that come together, and you you know, to have that cohesive system where you are together in a in a unity, you have to share things, and you might want to you might have to share things about you that you don't like, yeah, and vice versa, but that's down to the other person whether they want to take those and use them or whether they want to reject them. Definitely. So if she's taken on you know traits that I've I've projected out there, then that might be because she wanted to, and not because I forced them on her. But yeah, I mean I don't know. I mean I again I could say I could be a pro I could be a nightmare, right? Uh to live with.

SPEAKER_01 53:34

It's um on that on that subject though, um, with the uh the accepting the traits, for example. So because my wife and I we we are very yin and yang with the same morals. Um I have to coax out information from her. And that's how it's always been. She's always been like that. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Okay, so I have always had to coax anything she's feeling out of her from the start as well. And um it added to my frustration because I wanted to push forward. But the problem is, the way I see it now, is that I push too much. I I used to be so so I met her when I was 20 and um she was a similar age, and she was shy, she was reserved, she was uh she was quiet, but when we met I could feel the energy, I could feel that connection. I could feel like we just clicked, even though personality-wise we were completely separate. Uh so I would then over time get frustrated because I I wanted to like do things, but because of my extreme tendencies, like we've talked about before, I like extreme sports because I wanted that adrenaline, that dopamine rush. But my wife didn't want that. She she she wanted something calmer, you know, so it would be a balance of uh of trying to please both of us, of course.

SPEAKER_00 55:22

Does that make you feel guilty though?

SPEAKER_01 55:24

Yeah, it does. It does. Um because I I suppose it's it's selfish because I wanted to push because I thought that she would think like me, but the reality is she didn't, so it's selfish that I didn't understand her more. Um I suppose it could go two ways where okay, a quiet person should push more.

SPEAKER_00 55:50

I don't think you ever know though, do you? You get you get together with someone. It's that boundary, isn't it? Yeah, you get together with someone, you find your feet, and if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Like, you know, if you're still if you're still together with your wife, and you know, there's a reason for that. The same for me, you know, I'm still together with my wife, and there's a reason for that. You know, for for us, like, you know, I'm quite a I'm I'm quite a religious person, um, you know, I'm very close to God, and my wife is not. So this is a perfect example. Um, she's not, she doesn't have a belief system, she doesn't resonate with any of this, and she will listen to me when I'm talking about how like you know, I've I you know maybe I've I've I've been asking or praying for something and and it's shown itself, and you know, there's all these coincidences that keep happening in my life, you know, where I'm praying for things and then they just happen. Um but she'll listen to me, but she doesn't like I go to church every week. She doesn't. Um but you know, even even though like I've I've got this strong belief system and she doesn't, she's still she still understands it though. She's still she still gets like she still listens to me, she still lets me talk about these things because it's something that interests me, and vice versa, you know, she likes she's she wears a heart on a sleeve, you know, so like she'll tell me how she's feeling all the time. And she'll if there's a problem, she'll talk to me about it. Um so yeah, I I think that so would would you say that you you don't, like typically?

SPEAKER_01 57:24

I know you I know you are now, you're you're you're saying this to to me. Oh, I don't know. I mean you you don't typically have your heart on your sleeve.

SPEAKER_00 57:31

No, I'm I suppose I'm more I'm more like your wife. Wow. Where I'm I'm very much and and have been a closed book for for a long time. This is all still very new to me, all of this, you know, the again I never had social media, I never I never put myself out there in the world because I felt like if I'd never put myself out there, then I can never feel like a failure. Um and I and a lot of people I feel can resonate with that, and the more that I'm putting myself out there, the more I'm realizing that it it really doesn't matter. It really it really doesn't matter. Like I said in the last episode, who cares what I'm doing? Yeah, do you know what I mean? As long as it makes me feel good and it's good for me and my family, then I'm just gonna go and do it.

SPEAKER_01 58:16

So, what was the transition point that made you think like that where you just thought, okay, well I've got to oh I'm still working it out.

SPEAKER_00 58:23

Yeah. Oh, I'm still working it out. We we're talking we're talking months, it's been, you know. Um, but I'm still working this out. And it's it's a it's a long road, you know. There's I don't know where the end of it's gonna be, I don't know what the journey is gonna look like, but you know, I know I know me personally, I know that you know my my path is paved by God and I trust him, and and for me that's that's all I need to believe in. That it really, it really is, you know. And again, a lot of people won't be able to resonate with that, they might not understand that, and that's fine. Everyone is allowed to have their own belief system, you know, no one should be ridiculed for the what they believe in. So, you know, going back to how how that sort of fits into your family. I've like I say I go to I go to church and whatever, but my my wife doesn't, but she she won't stop me taking the kids, like if the kids want to go or anything like that.

SPEAKER_01 59:16

And that's amazing. Yeah, I mean that's what you need, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:19

Yeah, definitely, yeah. And you know, it's not that she doesn't believe in God or whatever, you know, she doesn't understand it. She, you know, she'll she open it up. It doesn't resonate with her. No, it doesn't, no.

SPEAKER_01 59:30

This is the same with my wife as well. So she's always let me get on with what I needed to do, which is an amazing trait of hers. Um, so she's let me get on with my extreme cycle, and uh I'm very appreciative of it, and that's why we're still together, I think. Um and I I respect and admire her greatly for it as well. Um but I always wanted her to join in with what I was doing. That's the problem, isn't it? Now, how do you how do you feel with um your religion and her not joining in?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:02

I'm I I don't think I don't think that religion is the something that should be pushed on anybody. No. Because religion is is a choice and it's a choice for a reason. You know, to believe in God is a choice for a reason, and it's not for any other reason than you have to be ready for it. So if you if you don't believe in it, you don't believe in in God or whatever, and you don't have any religion that you you know you you sort of reside with, then that's that's fine, that's not a problem, you know. But he's always there, yeah. Like when you are ready, you know, and and it's not like I've been it's not like I've been um you know religious my my whole life consistently, you know, and I feel I feel like you know this sort of links into what we were just saying regarding um how your wife how your wife is as well. I feel like that a lot of this is to do with the way we are now and the way that we um sort of hold ourselves in our family dynamic is pretty much how we were raised by our parents. So I was raised in a Catholic household, okay, you know, we went to church every Sunday. Um my dad never did, although he believes in God. Yeah. Um but my mum, you know, she she was converted, like if you like. She joined, you know, she she met my dad, and um my nan is um very religious, and um, you know, I go to church with my nan on on Saturday evenings. Um she doesn't like the Sunday morning mass because it's too loud for her, so the kids, so we go on Saturday evenings. That's amazing. Um but my mum wasn't religious, and she came in and then she done her confirmations, you know, she she went into the church and she she took she brought herself into it. She she moved herself into that family, into that dynamic, and she accepted that that was but I feel like that was kind of one of those things where back in the day it was like it's our way or the highway sort of thing. Like you either come in and you become, you know, a Catholic as well, and you or off you go. Yeah, you know, so to make things easier, like you know, but and then you worry about the same thing. You go, right, well, a lot of the maybe the reasons why I am the way I am is because of my upbringing, because of my my family dynamic in my household when I was younger. And then you go, right, well, what are the lessons I've learned from that? And you then you get absolutely terrified that you're gonna pass on stuff to your kid as well. Yeah, do you know what I mean? It's like a cycle, isn't it? Because at the end of the day, you you just want the ultimate best for them, don't you?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:39

You do, you do, but as a parent and and and for your wife as well. This this is why I've always pushed so much because I've always wanted the best for my family.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:50

So I'll ask you a question, yes, and I'd like you to be on I'd like you to be honest. When you just so you just say the last thing you just said then. I've always wanted the best for my family, so I've pushed too much. So do you feel like your endeavours that you've gone and sort of pushed yourself towards doing, whether they're the extreme sports and and whatnot, do you think that they were more for you than your family? Extreme sports, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:20

Yeah, that's an that's an adrenaline turkey looking for a hit.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:24

So that's your so that's your selfish side when it comes to doing those things, yeah. Yeah, and I can I can I can relate to that as well. Like if you ask my wife, she'll tell you that I have a hundred hobbies that I I get started at and uh never finish. I mean I used I've had uh a full wood lathe in my garage where I was like turning wood and you know, making bowls and fruit bowls and things like that, and you know, buying wood blanks and all these chisels and stuff, and and you know, I've I've had I've got like a my DSLR camera, yeah, you know, my Canon DSLR camera that I bought, I spent loads of money on that. And this is the thing, I always spend loads of money. I get the best gear that I can possibly get for the money that I can afford to buy buy it for, yeah. And then I learn everything about it, and then I go and do it a few times, and then I get bored of it. I've got a go ped in my my mother and father-in-law's garage there, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:04:21

Yeah, I'll get that out later then.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:24

Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 1:04:25

Like I've got my adrenaline hit for the day.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:27

I've got a go ped in there, right? And like me and and my mate, uh, we he's he has one as well, and uh we were we were he got one and then I saw him out on his. He come he came down the uh down to see me in it, and um he was like, Oh look at this, and I was like, that thing's amazing. Yeah, I was like, oh yeah, I've got to get one. He was like, Yeah, you get one, and then we can go out for rides together. And I was like, Oh yeah, this sounds so good. So I went and bought one.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:52

And then that's marketing, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:54

I know I'm easily led, unfortunately. So I'm gonna go and do that, you know. So there's like a GoPad, I've got the camera, I've got this, I've got that, you know, and like my mate wanted to go and play start playing Badminton, like a couple you know, it was quite a f quite a while ago now. But Badninton Babninton Badminton Babninton wanted to start playing Babninton and and I was like, okay, yeah, I'll come along. So I went out and I bought a really expensive racket. And I can't remember the last time that thing I mean, it's years, years and years and years. Tennis racket, you know, squash racket. Like there's just so many things that I pick up and and then I just I just put them down again. But it goes back to the Jackaval master of none. Yeah. But a jackal's better than but one, you know. I I've got those skills, I get to a point where I'm good enough to enjoy it, yeah. And then and then I can sort of and then get bored of it because then you get bored because there's not as much challenge.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:51

No, it's or maybe on on the other hand, the challenge is too much to get better quickly.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:56

I don't know. I I I I mean, like like skiing, for example. You know, I I went, it's probably about seven years ago, eight years ago now, first time I ever went skiing. And I went with uh went with one of my mates, and it was just me and him, and I'd never ski before in my life. He could ski, you know, quite well. And I said to him, when we get there, I'm gonna have some lessons. And he was like, No, no, no, just come out with me. And I was like, bull due respect, mate. I was like, you know, I'm gonna have some lessons, you know. Like, not that I don't trust you, I've never seen you ski before. Um, but I just I'd I'd feel comfortable. He was like, Yeah, okay, fine. So he would have to go out in the morning for like the first two days, he would go out in the morning by himself, like go skiing off by himself, and he'd come back at like lunchtime and then I'd be done with my lessons. And then after the second day, he was like, Oh, he's like, Come on, he was like, This is boring. He's like, I'm out by myself all day. He's like, I didn't invite you to come skiing, like, you know, so that we can just meet up in the evenings and go for dinner. So he was like, Look, just come out in the afternoon. Look, you've done like two days worth of bloody skiing now. Like, you surely you know how to do a snow plow, you know. I was like, Yeah, I do. And he was like, right, okay, just come up with me. Like at the top of this run here, he's like, There's a really nice, easy run, right? Promise you it's it's you know, it's a green run. And I was like, okay, fine. So we went up the chairlift, got to the top of it, and we jumped off the chairlift, and he was like, right, okay, down we go then. I was like, where? He was like, down here. I was like, that's a red though. And he was like, Yeah, I was like, no, no, you said it was a green. It was like, yeah, well, you'll be fine. And then it's like, you are so and then I was like, How do I get back down again? Like, and this this particular one, we couldn't get back on the chairlift to go back down, so like I had to either go back down the hill, which was a red, or go down that one was a red. But he pushed me, and and he was I went down it, and then I never had another lesson after that. Do you know what I mean? And I just got but uh but that adrenaline, that thrill of like doing it, and then him he made me realise I can do it, yeah, and then I just wanted to get better and better and better. So like all my gear became like top of the range sort of gear, like my helmet, like all my this was before North Face was actually like a designer brand, yeah, right. But I've got like proper North Face, like like Arctic gear, um, like my boots, like everything, like are all I think my boots were like five, six hundred quid. Yeah. Um so what I'm taking out of this, right, is two things.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:19

Yep. Fundamental things. You got a financial impact of ADHD basically, because there's definitely I built a garage to house all of my extreme sport toys, yeah, and my welders and lathers and machinery and everything that I wanted to do. But there's also your mate taking you to the top and shoving you down a red run, unprepared, unwilling. Uh, so to so that kind of sums me and my wife up, really. Uh so uh I'm your mate, I'm like, I just want you to come and have a good time with me, you know, to my wife, this is, and uh she's she's well selfishly it is, but I also want I will I've always wanted her and other people to enjoy the things that I enjoy because I know that they give me that buzz, and I want them to experience that buzz too. But some people they're not ready for that, they don't need it like I do. I I thrive, I've always thrived on that buzz, that adrenaline and uh that dopamine. Other people they don't need it because they just don't, and my wife is one of those people, she doesn't need that adrenaline high. So what would happen is I would we like you could refer this to anything. I would push her to the limit and say, Yeah, by the way, we're gonna go and do that red run, just like you. And I've done this with my wife as well with skiing, exactly the same. And then she's like, I sent her down a black last year, actually, and she was like, Why? Yeah, why? Yeah, and and I was like, Well, we've got no choice now, we've got to go down there, aren't we? So and uh she did it, she wasn't very happy. But that that's an interesting concept because you either thrive on it like you clearly did, or it makes you resent that person, which has happened to me and my wife a lot, where she now has this hardened shell because she resents me for it, because I've pushed her too hard. Alright, okay. So now obviously with your mate, for example, it's kind of a one-off. When you do it over 13 years of being together. He's the same mate with the GoPad as well. Oh, okay. He's a bad influence. So it's not a one-off. No, he's not a bad influence at all. But when you uh no, but see, I I see it as he he's wanting you to experience that. Yeah but he's also wanting to experience with you for his own selfish reason too. That sums that sums me up.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:43

But that's that's life, I think. I think that's Yeah, I think so. I think we do that with I think you can relate that to literally anything. Definitely.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:49

Yeah. But if you do it too much, that person starts to think, hang on, I don't I don't want to do that with you. They get hardened to it. And that that can happen in a relationship, and that happens when when you've got an extreme cycle of ADHD, and it happens a lot, yeah, then that that speeds up the process, doesn't it, of of that, that hardening and that resentment as well.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:12

So uh what about the uh what so what about like business then? So how has your wife taken how's your wife taken the the the new venture that you you know you're into property and you're you know you obviously you so you work f pretty much like full-time but you work shift work so you're like four days on, four days off, right? Yeah um not only that but you've got your own music business as well where you're a musician, you do you know weddings and stuff like that, and and now you've added into the mix being a property entrepreneur as well. So like how did your wife sort of deal with that when you brought it to her? Oh, it's just another thing, isn't it? Did she see yeah, but what I'm trying to say, did she see this as another like another one of your extreme sports?

SPEAKER_01 1:11:55

Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, it's like okay, so he's he's not gonna pursue that, he's not gonna last, it's just gonna be uh hit and gone. But the reality is I'm trying to change my mindset. I'm trying to snap out of that old way because it's not sustainable. The main motivation for me is so that I can grow as a person. That's why I'm building these businesses because I know they are a way to force consistency and I need consistency going forward. Um Do you feel like you need accountability as well? I need accountability as well, definitely. Accountability, social accountability especially, makes me thrive. Yeah, so I I I try and keep you accountable as much as I possibly can. That's how Minor Mova Mortar was created. It was, yeah. So uh that's why we're here, and that's why we're we're trying to reach out to people who who also feel the same so that we can be accountable together. So uh but with my wife, um she she she said this to me as well. She's like, yeah, but I just I think it's just gonna, you know, not gonna last, it's just gonna cost us money, and it's just you know, it's gonna be another thing. So uh I mean I've had lots and lots of vehicles, lots of motorbikes, lots of cars, because it's that same, oh something new. And so she's always seen those things as well, and she she just thinks it's another vehicle for me. However, as I start to get results in and it starts to build, of course, you start to prove that it can work. So then it becomes okay, so maybe Matt is trying to change because for me, I want to be the best role model I possibly can for my family. And um something triggered me when uh when my little boy was really young. He said, uh Dad, I want to fix cranes like you. And I was like, it rattled me, it rattled me, and I think it actually No, you will not Well, it kind of felt like that, and then but it it wasn't because fixing cranes is the bad thing, because it's it's it's what that's what I did my apprenticeship in. And it and it's it's given me the life that I've got now. But what it was is I suddenly realised how much influence I have on my family. And that was the penny dropping when he said that, and it and it resonates in my ears. Right like right now I could see it. I think it was like what barely could speak, and I was like, where has that come from? And that absolutely rattled me. So I was like, I need to be better. Maybe I wasn't that bad anyway, but in my eyes, I need to be better because I am influencing the people around me so massively, whether it be my wife, negatively, or positively, because some of my traits have given her confidence, you know. Um but for my little boy, I just I I want to be the best role model I can be, and I want him to grow. And I want him to see that he's got options, and it's not just the system that he has to go in to be successful, which is how I thought, unfortunately. And it's ironic because um my dad had a uh an engineering business, a very successful engineering business. Uh and like I said you're an engineer.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:26

Well, that's why I'm an engineer, it has a massive influence. That's what I said. Well, your family upbringing sort of almost dictates and determines sort of who you become, really. It does. It does.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:35

Um but I didn't understand business. I just thought being the best engineer I possibly could would be the way to be good at business, but it's not. Because p people people do business with people, and I never understood that concept. Which is ironic because I've always been very sociable, but I've only been sociable when I'm in the euphoria. Because when I'm in the depression, I'm really anti-social. So this is why I'm working towards consistency, so that I can cis consistently be sociable, which means that I can be a role model, I can do business with people, and I can get things done. And that's that's my goal. That's the point of mine over mortar one, really. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I mean what are your dri based off of that? I mean, what are your drives? Why are you sitting here now looking to change? Because you are you asked me to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:39

Um I feel like personal growth is is is a massive thing, and I feel like people don't really explore it properly, or to the extent that they should. And I feel like you have to be in those really uncomfortable situations to actually get that personal sort of growth experience, and this is this is perfect for me. Like, you know, I I feel uncomfortable doing this every time and talking about these things. Um, but I understand that talking about them, and then we hear from our listeners, and they're like, Oh, I can relate to that so much, and it makes you realise that actually you're you're not alone in all of this. But I mean, as far as like the the push and and to go back, you know, to um elaborate on the question I asked you of how your wife saw your new venture. Um mine was mine was a bit mine was a bit different because I didn't really have a choice. It was the only option I had available to me at the time. Yeah. And um and it was, you know, she was she was like she told my wife, my wife said like she told me she was behind me, and she told me that she fully supported me, and I believe her. I do, I do believe her, definitely. But she would ask me questions that would make me question it. So like she'd ask me questions and and I and I would and I would say, Why are you asking that sounds like a very negative sort of you know question? Like, why are you asking me these questions? And um like she thought that uh the academy was a scam. Like she she she thought that everyone who's on the academy and everyone that who I'd met up until that point a few months in were paid by Samuel to basically make me think that this was a real thing. And I said and I and I said to her, I was like, that is just that is a a really elaborate. I think we do we speak about that. I think we might have already spoken about that, but like that's a that's a real elaborate ruse that is like if that's the case, like wow.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:49

Um it is, but my wife thought that me joining the academy was just another motorbike. Uh she was just like, ah, right, okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:00

Another one. Brilliant. But the difference is this, you know, the my wife, you know, she although we you know she's seen she's seen the results that um that are actually happening, yeah, on while doing it, it's like, oh okay, right, well, yeah, fair enough, you know. And you know, I just I just want the best for my family. I just want to be able to provide and support my family. And like I've said before, you know, time is my new currency, is my only real currency. And if if it's the only one that matters to me the most because I can't earn any more of it, but I'm constantly losing it, and I'm not just losing it against myself, I'm losing it against my children, I'm using losing it against my wife. So all the time that I'm not giving to them is time that's being stolen from them, if that makes sense, yeah. So for me, doing this, you know, is is gonna, you know, i I know I know that this is gonna work. This is the thing now. I'm like, I am there's no doubt about it. Like, there's no which way around it. Like this is this is who I am now, this is what I'm going to achieve, and I know that I'm gonna have a very successful business, well, multiple businesses, you know, you can't just have one, but um, I'm gonna have multiple businesses that are very successful, and they're gonna that they're gonna allow me to take back more of the time that I've got remaining and spend it with my family. So that's that's my main goal. Um, you know, and whether my wife is on board with it, you know, or not. I know she is, and I know that she's um you know similar to to your wife in the sense that you know we go and do these things. So she thought that this was just another thing for me as well. But like, I've always wanted her to come and play golf with me. Yeah, yeah. And and for for most other things that I ask her, she'd be like, okay, yeah, fine, you know. But this one, she's like, no. She's like, absolutely. So with the academy, you mean, yeah. No, with like playing golf. I would be, I'm sorry, we're playing golf. But with the academy, she, you know, because she sees, because she's like seeing the like the results, or I'm telling her of my my results that are happening, she's like, oh, okay, understanding it a bit better. But with golf, she's never been. She's never been with me before, but she just flat out refuses to come. I was like, you don't even have to play. You can just sit, you can drive the buggy if you want. You can just drive me around. She's like, What? So you want me to give up my Sunday so I can drive you around a golf course for four hours. I was like, Yeah, doesn't that not sound great, to be fair?

SPEAKER_01 1:21:25

So I'm gonna stand up for her in this case because Jane Jaden said this to me before as well. Uh, she's like, Yeah, but that's your thing. My wife has said this to me before as well. Um, she's said that's your thing, and uh she doesn't want to encroach on my life because she doesn't want to feel a part of it, which is kind of sad, isn't it? Because ultimately that's what we want.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:48

Yeah, we've got to do that.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:49

We want to do that thing together, don't we? But is there a selfish bit of it that uh you just want her her to do your thing?

SPEAKER_00 1:21:57

No, not really. I think it's I I I think what it comes down to, like when you really like something, it's like you know how much fun it is, and you want someone else to experience that fun as well. You want someone else to go, oh yeah, actually, do you know what? Yeah, that's what it is for me. But you know, you fail to also forget, or so you fail to remember that not everyone's you, no, so so you're right, and in in that sense, but what the way I see it is differently. I'm like, you know, I don't I know how much fun this is, I want you to have fun as well. Let's go do it together, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:28

Going going to business, right now, yeah. Based on what you've just said, like would you and your wife be successful doing business together?

SPEAKER_00 1:22:38

Right, this is a very this is a very hot topic for us at the moment, okay? Because I I don't believe that I can be fully successful to the degree that I know I can be without her being there as well. And she doesn't want to be there. So right, okay. I've I I I don't see how I I I can't I can't I can't do it without her. I know I can't do it without her. I need her support, I need but I want her to be involved in it as well. I want her to do, you know, even if she's just dipping her toe in the water, like to begin with. But like I if I carry on in the trajectory that I'm currently on, I'm gonna I'm gonna base they're basically just gonna be passengers. And that this that the thing is over time, like they start following you, but then that distance gets wider and wider and wider and wider and wider from what you're doing and where they are. So you are you have to run back all the time to be back where they are, and then back over here again. But then you've got a hundred people over here saying you need to be over here, you need to be over there. You have to pull them and put out the resent you feel. And then reluctantly they start moving towards you, and that, and then by the time they get there, you're arguing, and it's like but fundamentally you you want to pull them with you because you want the best for them. Yes, definitely, yeah. Like although you you you might not she brings out the best in me. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing. She brings out the best in me. Like, I can't bring the best out in myself, I can't do it, I can't recognise that in myself. No, you know, and that's that's that's just my self-deprivation that I the deprivation that I I have, you know. Just it's just being a man, unfortunately, you know. Like I'm she brings out the best in me, and that's why I gravitate closer to her, and that's why I want her to be closer with what I'm doing as well. Like what I was doing previously, the job I was doing previously, well, she couldn't be involved in that. It was impossible. Do you know what I mean? Like it was the so the relatability between me and her back then was very distant, where she would ask how my day was, and it was fine, and that was it. You know, how was your day? Yeah, and but she will she'll elaborate, she'll go on, and she'll tell her like you know, her whole her whole day, and she'll she'll be you know, she's excited to tell me about her day, and and I was I just wasn't excited to hear it. But like I am more now now that I'm now that I've got more things to talk about, I understand that feeling of being able to tell talk about your day and how good it was. So then when she tells me about her day, I mean I'll turn the teddy off or pause the TV or whatever and we'll talk. You know, it won't be uh like TV's on, uh yeah. Oh really, yeah. None of that. That's good. We'll we will we will talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:22

Um I've always we've always kind of suffered from that. Really? What you just said, yeah, about the um not not giving each other the time. And I and I think that comes from me pushing too hard, me being too extreme and uh sort of shutting me out a little bit, you know, because because of it, because of that resentment.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:42

So what do you so what do you think in your own mind, what do you think the you need to work on, like to to to gain a a solution to the problem that you're you're talking about?

SPEAKER_01 1:25:53

So for me it's uh communication, like you're saying. What type of communication? Actually, you're actually genuinely listening. Okay, yeah. You're not just there for the sake of being there, just like you say. Um it's leveling, so I'm consistent with it as well, and giving the time and turning up, which is is difficult to do while you're building businesses, I must say, and it's a realization I've come to very recently as well, um, where you can end up pushing, pushing, pushing because you want to build so that you can provide for your family, but then what will happen is you push too much and you haven't got any time for them, and then there's no family there to provide for, which is quite a sad uh state of affairs. Um so it's about that balance of time management, which I've never been very good at, which I'm really trying hard to work on going forward so that I can give the time that they need. And I can't ask you.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:53

I was gonna say, was so if if you were to give yourself, if I was talking now and you were listening, what three things would you say that you need to work on to achieve that?

SPEAKER_01 1:27:04

Consistency, time, man well, time management, and the communication.

SPEAKER_00 1:27:10

What type of communication though? Like emotional?

SPEAKER_01 1:27:13

Or yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I I can I can portray science, facts. I love to talk about the the bigger concepts like we're talking about, for example, which is emotional, but it's full on. It's not connective emotional energy, is what I need to give my family more. Yeah. And uh what I've always seen that as is weakness in the past. Interesting. Um, because I've always kind of seen, and this is in in some ways not fully true, but this is how I've seen it. I've always seen myself as a provider, so I have to uh push to provide, right? That's my role. So what it means is that I haven't given Emotional support I've just put in time to provide, which has then created two people that are independent, and what I'm on a mission to do is try and bring them back together again. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:12

Um but it's good you realise that though.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:14

Yeah, and that's not true because uh my wife is uh she's an established teacher, she's doing very well at it, she's she's independent, we're both independent people, but I've always wanted to be one, and so's she. But life gets in the way, you have your traits, makes you resent each other and then pull apart, and for me, the lack of emotional connection is something that is really hindered us because of it. So yeah, I get that, I get that.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:47

We've we've we we've been working on that ourselves, we've recognized that. I mean, me and my wife, and um yeah, we've been working on that for a little while now, and things have got easier now that I'm my own boss, and um yeah, they just they they seem to be they seem to be more the conversations that we're having seem to be easier um because I can have more time. Um, you know, I'm still busy, still I'm probably busier now than I I was even when I was working, but um, you know, she understands that you have to put a lot of work in to begin with to make things work, you know, and as we say, was started to see the fruits of my labour, which is great, because I can get up in the morning now, like I can give my I used to get up in the morning, like, and I I would I'd leave leave for work sometimes at like six o'clock in the morning, sometimes earlier, like you know, back in when I was working up in um Surrey and places like that, I'd I'd be leaving, I had to be on site for like half past seven in the morning. Um so with traffic, it's like two hour drive. I'm not seeing my family when I wake up in the morning, and then you know, inevitably I'm there till like you know, five o'clock in the afternoon, and you've got the traffic on the way home. By the time we get home, the kids are in bed or so, like I'm missing so much right there and then, and then you know, later on in in in the years and that working for for someone else, it was I was still in that mindset, in that mode where I was waking up early, I was going to the gym in the morning, coming home, getting dressed, and then straight out the door. And like now I don't. I get up in the morning with my family, and you know, I might get myself ready in the morning while my wife is downstairs, sort of getting the kids ready, you know, the kids sorted for breakfast or whatever, might have a shower and get myself ready, and then they'll come upstairs and I'll help get dressed for school or play group, and we'll play with each other for a bit and we'll talk, and then like I had to drop my little little girl off at um at play group this morning. That's why I said to you, you know, because you was a bit early, so I said go and grab a coffee because I'll be there, you know, a little bit late. Um, but I can go and do these things, and I'm not I'm not on someone else's time anymore. That's the thing, like I say, and that relates back to the currency side of things, like you know, it's it's my time, it's my currency, yeah. When you work for someone else, you're working on their time, so your currency of time becomes theirs, and they dictate how you spend that time. Yeah, stuff that no thank you. You know what I mean? The only commodity that's actually important to me in life, and like someone else is spending it for me, don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:28

No, that's an amazing, amazing concept. So give me give me a downside of business.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:34

I've got to do everything myself. Yep. There's nobody there to help me. That's right. There's no one there to help you, you know. You you either sink or you swim. Simple as that. Yeah. Negatives of being a business owner is is that you've got to do everything yourself, basically. But I don't think that that is a negative as such. Like it's the only thing I can really give you. Um, but it's not a negative because I don't think it's a negative.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:56

No, it's not.

SPEAKER_00 1:31:57

I I think it basically gets you out of bed in the morning. I think it's a good place to wrap it up anyway. So as always, give us a like, a subscribe if you enjoyed it, post some comments down below, give us something to talk about in the beginning. We'd like doing this structure of asking a couple of questions in the beginning. So if you've got any questions, then pop them down in the comment section under the pinned comment, and um, or you can put it into uh into mind over mortar on Instagram at mind over mortar. And then if you want to have a look at one of our other videos, you'll find that there. And if you haven't subscribed already, please click that button.