Ep 7: [Nudge] But, do I deserve that?

If you've ever talked yourself out of the art class, the afternoon off, the thing that would genuinely make your life more beautiful — and told yourself it was about the money or the time — this one's for you. In this Nudge, I'm following a question that found me twice in less than a week: are you letting yourself have the things that bring you joy? Not the things you can justify. Not the things you've earned. The things that actually make you feel more like yourself.

www.annmarieboyle.com

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Transcript

0:02

Welcome to I Used to be Fun, the podcast about remembering who you were before life got so serious. I'm Annmarie Boyle, author, creativity instigator, and recovering overachiever. And each week, we explore how reconnecting to creativity and play helps us feel more alive, inspired, and like ourselves again. So set down the to-do list, grab a cup of coffee, and let's go find some fun

Annmarie 0:39

Hey, it's just me today, and I'd love to chat with you about something that's been rolling around in my head all week. It's a question that actually found me twice in less than a week. The most recent was during a virtual workshop when the facilitator posed the question, "Are you letting yourself have the things that bring you joy?" And it triggered me to recall a conversation I'd had with family members just a few days earlier. We were having coffee, talking about a small home renovation project that they were considering. A project that would make daily life a little easier and, in my opinion, make the house a little prettier. And then mid-discussion, one of them admitted feeling guilty about even considering it. How could they consider making a change that was more of a want than a need when so many people are struggling right now? And that's a valid concern. It really is. But the coach-y empath part of my brain that never fully clocks out couldn't help wondering if that was the whole story. Because I know this person. They already give generously with their time, their money, their energy. They are not someone who takes more than they contribute. So if a person can afford it, and they're already living generously, I wondered, is something else stopping them? Because here's the thing, sometimes when we think we're debating dollars, what we're actually debating is deserving. Sometimes the real question isn't, "Can I have this?" It's, "Am I allowed to want this?" And that wondering has continued to roll around in my head, Likely because it ties so closely to what we're talking about on this podcast. Because wondering if we're allowed to want something, if we deserve to have something, doesn't just show up around renovations or other purchases. It's also about giving ourselves time to play. That was confirmed to me through a recent conversation that Dr. J and one of his colleagues recently had. She shared with him that she had listened to his play date episode and while listening, realized that play is always the first thing she lets go when life gets busy. And then she followed up that realization that play and creativity are probably the things she should protect first rather than give up first. Let me tell you, I did a little happy dance when he shared that with me because somewhere deep inside, I realized that she knew, and I know that we all know, that play actually helps us. We know that joy restores us. We know stepping away from our to-do lists makes us more resilient, more creative, more patient, more ourselves. We know this. So why do we keep withholding it? Maybe because we don't think we've earned it or because we don't think we deserve it or because wanting something that much can feel very vulnerable. Brené Brown writes about this in, I think it's Daring Greatly, something that she calls foreboding joy, the way our brains can take a perfectly beautiful moment and immediately start rehearsing everything that could go wrong. Can you relate to that? Because I can. I've talked myself out of making a big ask because hoping felt scarier than failing, or I've skipped entering writing contests because I didn't want to experience the very specific pain of wanting something deeply and then not getting it. But here's the thing. In the midst of all those times where I held myself back from something that I really wanted, it became really clear to me that what I was afraid of wasn't failure because failure tells me I tried. What scares me is the hoping, the wanting, the possibility of letting myself believe something wonderful could happen. Failure? I can carry that. But joy? Joy asks us to walk around with our hearts completely uncovered, and maybe that's why we deny ourselves so many of the things that would make us feel alive, including time to play. Not because they're irresponsible, but because they require us to admit that we want them So what do we do about this? Well, I certainly don't have all the answers, but I think it's about giving ourselves or forcing ourselves, if we're really stuck, to start taking joy out for short walks. We don't have to commit our lives to it. We certainly don't have to think about how to optimize it. We just have to try something and see what happens. For me, that might be fighting the, "But you don't really need that" gremlin and buying another Lego set. And maybe that's not a baby step because I'm not gonna pretend Lego is an inexpensive hobby. It's not. But it is the place where Dr. J and I can sit across the table from each other with the instructions spread out and soft music playing, and for a couple of hours, the world gets very small in the best possible way. So when that little voice does pipe up on the Lego store, and it will because it is good at its job, and says to me, "Should you really be spending money on this?" I know it's probably not asking about the money. It's really questioning whether I deserve to feel that good, and that is a completely different question. And it's likely the question underneath a lot of things for you, too, if you really think about it. Like that sauté pan you want but don't technically need or the art class you'd like to take but don't think you have the time to or the afternoon with no agenda where productivity seems like an afterthought or the weekend away or the flowers at the farmers market or, or the renovation or the time to play Sometimes I can't afford this means exactly what it says. Sometimes we can't afford things But sometimes those sentences are disguises. Sometimes what's really going on are thoughts like, "But I haven't earned a break Or I don't know how to let myself want things. Or what if I let myself have this and then it's taken away? There's a big difference in those questions, and I think it's worth knowing which one you're actually dealing with. So I'll leave you with the same question that started this whole rabbit hole for me. Are you letting yourself have the things that bring you joy? Not the things you can justify, not the things you've earned through productivity, not the things that would impress some imaginary committee evaluating your choices. The things that actually make you feel more like yourself. Because I wonder if a lot of us have mistaken self-denial for responsibility. And certainly those two things can overlap, but they're not the same thing. Because joy doesn't actually need a defense. All right, that's your nudge for today. And I genuinely love to know where this lands for you because I suspect everyone's answer is a little bit different. So leave a comment or send me an email because as one of my favorite podcasters says, it'll make this feel like more of a conversation. So until next time, go play. Not because you've earned it, but just because you're alive.