EP 5: Girl Code Has Rules — But Do They Apply to Everyone? | Teen Friendships & Loyalty

Does girl code actually apply to someone you've never even had a real conversation with?

Harper is setting the record straight. In this episode of Rarely Said, she breaks down what girl code actually means, where it genuinely applies, and why loyalty to a stranger isn't the same thing as loyalty to your best friend.

Because there's a difference between having each other's backs and owing something to a girl whose last name you don't even know.

We talk about:

• What girl code actually means vs. what everyone pretends it means
• Exes vs. talking stages — where does the line even go?
• Why social media has made all of this so much messier
• Loyalty between real friends vs. unwritten rules for strangers
• Letting go of the guilt that was never yours to carry

Girl code is real. But so is perspective.

If you've ever felt guilty over something you're not even sure you owe — watch this one. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hi, welcome to Rarely Said, the podcast where we talk about what everyone feels but not everyone says. I'm your host, Harper, and I'm so excited you're here. Let's get into it. Today we're gonna talk about girl code and kind of my take on it. I think girl code is like the kind of the principle that girls should have each other's backs and I guess like in our day and age, like not get with each other's like ex-boyfriends and you know stuff like that. But I think that it really isn't real unless you have like a real connection with the girl or the person, because obviously I'm not gonna have like a girl's back or not get with her ex-boyfriend because if I don't know her, because that really has nothing to do with me, and that's like their own situation. I think that girl code, especially now with like social media and stuff, has just kind of changed into like almost a bigger thing, but I think it should be a s in a way like a smaller thing because again, I think you should really have your close friends' backs and like not do stuff that could hurt them, but also like I've noticed that girls have hated me, but like for doing like getting with their ex-boyfriends and stuff when they are I'm not friends with them, haven't talked to them in years. Like, there's definitely like a boundary with that, I think, and I think that that's really weird if a girl that I'm not friends with is gonna like hate me over that, because I wouldn't hate them over that because I don't know them. So, anyways, I think there's definitely like different rules with like I guess how close you are with the person. Like, with my friends, we really like don't care unless it's someone that's like super important or like an ex-boyfriend. Like, we kind of think it's funny to like kiss the same guys and talk about it, like we don't really care. It's like we'll like compare them and stuff. It's like totally funny. There's kind of like I guess just like a main thing that we like go off of. Like, obviously, we'll talk it out if we have like a suspicion, like, oh, like, were you guys really like a thing? Like, should I not pursue him or stuff like that? And then me and my friends obviously are really close, so we'll just like talk it out and stuff. But another thing, I guess there's a difference between like exes and talking stages that I think go with that, because I think if you're like if it's someone's ex-boyfriend, then I mean I think that that's bad unless it was like something that wasn't that serious. I've definitely had boyfriends that weren't serious, and I my friends have gotten with them, and I totally didn't care and thought it was funny. Um, and then talking stages, like we all have them and we all have so many of them. Well, at least I do. So I think that that's also not like a really big thing, I guess, unless it was get closer to dating. Like, honestly, I can't really think of a talking stage I'd be mad if my friend got with, because like I also don't like I also know that I don't own guys, and I think some girls think that they can like own the guy and be like, well, you know, he was my guy first. Okay, well, that doesn't really matter. I'm sorry, I don't think it matters at all. Especially, like I said, if you're not friends with the person, I just think that girl code isn't really there. Like, if I'm not friends with you, I'm not gonna have your back and I'm not gonna like think about who your exes were in talking stages where I don't think about that. That's not like what happens in my mind when I think about that. I obviously just think about like my friends and how they feel because obviously I'm not thinking about random girls because I don't know you, if that makes any sense. And then obviously I think there's friend loyalty. Like, if a girl were to come up to me and be like talking shit on my friend, obviously you have their back, because if you're gonna like say mean stuff about my best friend, like you have their back during that. But I also think if like someone were to come up to me and talk about a random girl, I don't feel obligated to like defend them because I don't know them personally. That's kind of like my take on that. I just think be loyal to your friends. You could be loyal to random people, I guess, if you want. I mean, I just don't think that that's like necessary, especially if you literally don't know them. I'm like, well, I I don't get that. Um, and then there's definitely some like gray spots, like I guess if you know the person. I've had a situation where this one particular girl thinks that every guy I have like ever talked to has some like relation to her and will like go talk smack and say that I'm like after her and after all of her guys. When frankly, I don't think about it whatsoever. And honestly, half of the time she will always just say after the fact, Well, I've gotten with him. Well, I'm sorry, but I don't have your kiss list in my phone, so I can't really like know who you're getting with, nor do I care, nor am I gonna not get with them because you got with them. I think that that's so stupid. Um, so like I do know this girl, but I also haven't talked to her since eighth grade, so I'm a junior now. Also, I turned 17. My birthday was yesterday. Um I got one. Wait, do you guys want to see? It's really long. Um, and yeah, so I haven't talked to her in years, and I just think that that's really stupid. I've even had another story time. This one's really crazy. I think I hung out with this girl one time in a group, and months later was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend. Didn't think about it whatsoever. I had eggs being thrown into my backyard when we were in my hot tub. I like, why would you do that? I another situation that was like almost exactly like that. I was with her ex-boyfriend, and she was driving up and down my house, like screaming stuff when we were also in my hot tub, which is really weird. And I mean, personally, I would never stalk someone like that. Like, even if I really cared that much, like there's really nothing you could do because clearly he doesn't want to be with you if he's with me. That's my take on it, and I just think it's weird. The other thing that plays like a big role in girl code, especially in these days, I think is social media, because I mean there's like a lot of stuff that goes on there, like bullying and stuff. I mean, people have your location too. Personally, not me. I don't like when people have my location, but I know that there are some people that have their location on for everyone, and like girls really do find out. I mean, I even think about it, like when I was dating this certain guy that was very not like he was really not a good guy, but I would always like find out, and you know, I never really thought about the girls that he was like literally cheating on me with. Like, I never was like, oh my god, so obsessed with them, and I never felt the need to go stalk them. There was a time that I showed up at one of the girls' houses only because he was there, and it literally I wasn't thinking about her, I was genuinely thinking about him cheating on me and trying to catch him because I didn't want to be dating a cheater. And I think that I got a lot of hate for doing that, by the way. But I think that it's a little bit different because I was dating him, he was not my ex. Right now, now that he's my ex, I would not go stalk him at all or what he's doing because like why would you do that? That just like makes you kind of feel worse about yourself, I think. But yeah, I mean, when I did that, that girl was very upset. But I really was not thinking about her, and I didn't and I have nothing against her. I have nothing against those girls because I know that it's not their fault because I know how guys are, and that's another thing is that if you really think about it, it's usually never really the girls' fault, it's usually the guys' fault because they're the ones that are the horse, not like us. Well, maybe sometimes, but anyways, that's kind of like my take on how social media can affect it because now it's just kind of different. I mean, and everyone knows what everyone's doing these days, too, because it's all posted and there's always pictures and TikToks and Snapchats and Instagrams, like there's literally everything, and on top of that, like the location, so like people just find out. So I think going along with that, you should just be like loyal to your friends. And personally, I think you don't have to be loyal to people you don't know, and also if you think about it as like if you're thinking like in your city specifically, like I think everyone gets with everyone and everyone knows everyone. It's just a matter of who you're friends with and who you like care about and stuff, because personally, like I don't really care about I and I don't even think about it. Like I said, I really don't think about it. I think about myself and my friends because there's I don't really care about putting energy into girls like first of all that hate me already, like why would I hate me already and I don't talk to them and I'm not like purposely trying to have beef with them, it's just like my life and their life, it's totally different. And I just think that like Yeah, why would I be loyal to someone I'm not friends with? My final take on it is that yes, I think girl code is real depending on who it is. No, I don't think girl code's real if you're trying to say I'm a like a bad person for not defending you when I'm not friends with you or a bad person for getting with your ex. I didn't even remember he was your ex. Like even like I'm trying to think of a scenario. I was dating a guy, and like a year later my friend got with him, and like I think it's totally funny. I don't know why girls can't just like make a joke out of it if it's like so unserious. I get like the guy never did anything to me, like we totally ended fine, and I think that's another reason why and I'm so confident too, and like sure of myself. I don't think my friends are like after me and they're oh my god, they're doing this to backstab me. I know it's just because it's like for the fun of the game, really. I think it's for the fun of the game. I mean, I think girls that care about that stuff is just like they're just so insecure with themselves because if that's what you're thinking about and you're thinking about other girls getting with guys and your ex-boyfriend or your talking stage or a random guy that you just got with one day, like you are so sad, I think. I personally don't think about that. Like, I really don't think about that. So if you guys are having a different outlook on girl code or anything like that, please tell me in the comments. I would love to know what you guys are dealing with and thinking about this topic. Thank you for spending this time with me. And if anything in this episode felt familiar, I hope it reminded you that you're not alone in it and you don't need to have everything figured out yet. Sometimes just noticing is enough. I'll talk to you again soon.