EP 9: My Mom Rates Our Generation's Dating Habits & Doesn't Hold Back | Rarely Said Podcast

Harper's mom Tera is here — and she had a lot to say.

This episode is a full-on generational conversation about love, dating, and whether our generation is doing it completely wrong. Tera grew up dating before social media existed, and her take on how things have changed is honest, hilarious, and kind of hard to argue with.

They played games. They debated. Tera did not hold back.

We talk about:

• Whether our generation falls in love too fast (Tera has thoughts)
• How dating has changed since social media took over
• Talking stages, situationships, and terms Tera had to have explained
• Why real-life connection is harder to build than it used to be
• The addiction to validation and what it's actually doing to us

She came in with advice and zero filter. Honestly, respect.

If you've ever wondered what someone who dated without a phone thinks about the way we text, ghost, and spiral — this conversation might hit different. Let us know in the comments if your mom would say the same things Tera did. 👇

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hi, welcome to Rarely Said, the podcast where we talk about what everyone feels but not everyone says. I'm your host, Harper, and I'm so excited you're here. Let's get into it. Today I have a very special guest. This is my beautiful mother. Hi. Very excited you're here. Thank you for having me. Um, this one's gonna be kind of funny and fun, but I'm gonna have my mom judge our generation because I think I don't think she's old, but I think she lived in a different generation than us. She definitely didn't have social media and stuff like that. And so, especially with like dating and girls, it was totally different because social media has kind of changed everything. But I'm gonna start with a game and so I'm gonna ask her a couple of questions and she's gonna answer with a yes or no. So we're gonna do a very quick, rapid fire game. Are we too sensitive?

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Ooh. You are sensitive, but I know why. Okay. Do we fall in love too fast? You fall in love pretty fast. Are situationships embarrassing? It's part of life. I think the title of it, I think situationship as a term itself is embarrassing.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Are high school boys worse now or before?

SPEAKER_00 1:25

They're the same. I think they're the same.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

Are we delusional? Yeah, a little bit. Be honest, do you think our generation is dramatic?

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Uh you know, I think things feel really intense and dramatic for people your age because there's so much exposure at all times. Like you guys have the phone in your hand every second of the day. Yeah. And so you're just being hit with like thing after thing after thing, and that's just a lot to process.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

So it it probably feels dramatic and it definitely appears dramatic most of the time.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

I'm gonna give my mom a little quiz about like the dating terms we use, and then we could talk about kind of how they dated in the past and you know what's better and worse, and if she has any tips. But do you know what a situationship is? Like I'm talking.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

Yeah, it's I guess um it's it's funny because you'll say, Oh, they're in talking stage, and I'm like, okay, so they're talking, like they're having conversations with each other, but it's yeah, I was thinking about leading up to this conversation, like what were the terms that we used, and we didn't say talking, it was like, oh, they like each other, and then it was um like they're going out or they're going around together, which is like such a funny like where were they going? No one was actually really going anywhere, but they were going together or they were going around together, yeah. So it's funny how the terminology's changed, but I think the actual act of what's happening in a new relationship is the same.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think now we have more like well, we have exclusive, and I that's like you guys aren't dating, but you're not like getting with other people and talking to other people, and then situationship I think is like confusing, I would say, is a situationship because there's not really a label on it. And then I think talking, I think talking you're being pretty loyal to them. Um, so there's just like a lot of like weird terms like that we use. And I think even I know when I've talked to your friends and I've said, like, oh, like I hooked up with them, they think it's a lot more than just kissing. Like to us, right? When I say hook up, I mean I kissed him.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Right. For us, hooking up was like you were having sex. Um so I don't I don't I I never like when I hear you say hooking up because that's where my head goes, but then I have to pause and be like, oh no, that's not what she means. They just kissed.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Yeah, no, I just told my mom that we kissed. We didn't hook up. I feel like I haven't used hooked up in a while. Yeah, it's been a while, yeah. Yeah. So we definitely have weird terms, but what do you think that we do now or that you guys did back then that is like beneficial for us to maybe start doing again?

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Oh my gosh. I think um having real life interaction would be helpful. Um, I think that was all we could do, right? When I was 17 years old, we didn't have social media, we weren't snapping. Um, we talked on the phone a lot. Like I remember I fought with Uncle a lot over the phone because that was how we connected. If we were at home at night, like we couldn't snap, we couldn't text, we couldn't FaceTime. So we would call and have actual conversations. And I think when you're having real conversations, you you get tone, which is what's missing, I think, so much in the way you communicate with your friends and potential dudes. Like there's no context, there's no tone. And so having a real phone conversation, you get that.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

And I also feel like we hung out in real life a lot. No, I pause. You do. I see you doing that, but I don't think a lot of kids do that. Yeah. I think a lot of kids get really comfortable at home in their room on their phone, and they connect digitally, which just doesn't feel as authentic or or deep. It's not a deep connection, a meaningful connection. It feels kind of more service level. And we didn't have that opportunity. So we would hang out with friends a lot more after school. Um, you know, there was not this, it's so funny to watch how you'll say, like, oh, he added me on Snap. And I'm like, oh, did you add him back? Yeah, I added him back. And then it's like this whole process of like, well, have you talked? Well, no, we're not texting. And I'm like, oh, you don't do that on Snap. And it's like this whole progression of like, you add on Snap, then you start texting, and then maybe you have a phone call, probably not. And then maybe you'll hang out in person finally, where we were the opposite. It was like, you know, you would kind of weasel your way into a friend group at lunch on campus at school. Because, like, how else are you gonna connect with someone? You had to do it in real life, yeah, you had to do it in person.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:06

So part of me gets sad for your generation because this tool that seemingly makes it easier, I feel like actually makes it harder to connect for real. Yeah. Like on a real level.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

So, but with that, I'm really happy that you spend time with friends and even potential boyfriends in real life. Yeah. It's funny, last night when you called and said, Can friends come over? Dad kind of groaned, and I was like, I would way rather have them in person, hanging out, spending time in real time, and like, you know, my bedrooms right next to the living room. So we could hear you guys laughing and like having a good time. And I think that's super important, and I think that's missing for a lot of kids.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

Yeah. I think that also, like, I don't think that you're like sh you're obviously strict about certain things, but I think parents being strict about like specifically like girls hanging out with guys and like having hangouts and going to parties, and like that's kind of how we connect. And if you don't let them do that, then they're kind of just forced to like only be able to talk to people on their phone. And especially I think when parents like tell girls or guys like no dating at all, and like no hanging out with girls or guys, I think that makes it even worse too when you think about that a lot.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

Yeah, I think parents that put yeah, I am strict. I I think that we have certain rules in our family that are for safety and health, right? I think we care a lot about taking good care of our brains and our bodies and and living to our highest potential. And so substances are something that I feel really strongly about. But dating, I think if you are raising kids that have a moral compass and high values and standards, and you have a lot of conversations with your kids about those things and like what's really important in life, I think it's okay. I think it's perfectly natural for kids in high school to want to interact with the opposite sex. And I think by saying no to it, you in some ways might be pushing them into it, and then they're doing it secretively, and you can't have open conversations about it.

SPEAKER_01 9:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

So I think it becomes a detriment more than a benefit for kids.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Yeah, I agree. Do you think that we're addicted to validation?

SPEAKER_00 9:47

Again, I think your brains are manipulated by algorithms and social media companies that are trying to make money. Um, and so yeah, I think that there is a lot of validation-seeking, you know, posting on Instagram and looking to see how many likes it got and who said what about it. I mean, we're humans, it's natural, it's part of feeling a part of a community and feeling validated and feeling connected. But I think it can be really unhealthy if everything centers around that.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Yeah. So I think it's just, you know, like everything on this podcast, it's about noticing, right? And noticing is this working for me or is it not? And if it's something that's making you feel bad about yourself, then, you know, maybe taking a pause. Yeah. Trying to consume less. And if it's a real problem, asking for help. I know there's a lot of really great tools now. Um, something I've thought about for our family and haven't implemented, but the brick, which is the eye roll. You know, it's a tool that helps monitor that because it's highly addictive. I find it's highly addictive for me.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

So she's trying to hide my phone for me and put it in a brick. Just wanted to let you guys know. So tell her now.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

We haven't done it. I mean, if it's we're not doing it, so if it's being used in a healthy way and we feel good about ourselves, then maybe we don't do that. But I think there are some good tools for that.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

Do you think that um girl drama is worse now or then? I think now, obviously, because there's more stopping and stuff.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

I mean, I think there's always been girl drama and there will always be girl drama. And I think, you know, I've been a part of it, I've caused it, I've been a victim of it over my many, many years on this planet. Being a salon owner and working with a bunch of women, it's definitely something that I've been around a lot. And I think I think I've really been able to fine-tune my part in it and hopefully have become a leader and someone who just doesn't want to take part in it. And I think the reminder when it comes to girl drama is we can only control ourselves, right? So if there's a conversation happening in the back room at the salon that's negative, like, are you gonna be a part of it or are you gonna squash it and say, Oh, let's show her some grace. Maybe she's having a bad day, or none of us knows what she's going through. Or, you know, there's a lot of ways we can kind of squash it and not be a part of it. And, you know, another big way to not be dramatic is to check in with yourself and how am I showing up today?

SPEAKER_01 12:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

You know, what is the energy I'm gonna bring to school or to the friend group or to the group chat or to the salon or to the classroom? Like, how can I show up in a way that's gonna be bringing the best energy so that people don't want to be dramatic and they don't want to talk shit and they don't want to be negative?

SPEAKER_01 13:15

Yeah, yeah. Do you have any like brutal advice for girls or guys or anyone from being a very smart older woman?

SPEAKER_00 13:28

You know, I think the thing I notice the most, and I'm I'm in a really I feel like lucky position where I think a lot of your friends can be themselves around me. And I think they share a lot with me, and kind of the overarching advice I would give is to really start giving yourselves space for presence. True presence, not I'm in my bed scrolling and I'm alone, that's not being present. Um, it's not I'm gonna go to the gym and walk on the treadmill by myself. That's not true presence. True presence is no phone, silence, and it's really uncomfortable for people. And I know, like she rolls her eyes, she sees me sitting in tea ceremony every morning. But finding a way to become truly present for me has just opened up so many insights and given me so many downloads and so much awareness. And I think we are at the end of the day so responsible for ourselves. And if we can be super present with ourselves, it allows awareness for everything going on around us. And, you know, I think it's it's really taught me that when I can be really present with myself, I don't have any stress and I don't have any anxiety, and I'm not depressed about anything because I'm I'm here in this one moment with you right this second, nothing else matters, yeah. Right? So when you can learn to just get really, really clear and present, it just reduces so much stress and anxiety. And that's something I see in a lot of people your age. And I think it's something that people your age really, really struggle with. So, you know, I I love and hate the phones. Like I love where technology's going. I love that we can connect with people on a podcast. I love that, you know, you can be going through a rough moment and you have one of your friends on the line in some, you know, way in seconds. Like, I love all of that, and it can be super damaging. So I think presence is something that if everyone could really start practicing that, it makes everything else just sort of simmer down a little bit and not feel so intense.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

Yeah. Well, we're gonna brighten the mood. Oh, we are, yeah, with the game. Oh, this one's actually funny.

SPEAKER_00 16:17

Wait, was my talk not bright?

SPEAKER_01 16:20

No.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Was it depressing? Yeah. No, it wasn't meant to be.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Okay, I'm gonna read you like scenarios and you're gonna say if it's normal, delusional, or seek help. Okay. Checking his snap score.

SPEAKER_00 16:37

I mean, let's go somewhere between normal and delusional. Okay, well, I do that, so I hope it's normal.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

Um, posting a story just to see if he reacts to it. Delusional. Blocking then unblocking. Seek help. Analyzing his reposts. Seek help. Oh god. Getting mad over the word okay. You do that to me.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

I say K to you all the time. I think it's normal to say okay. Like K, okay, got it. No.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Stalking the ex. Delusional. Testing him to see if he cares. Delusional! Seek help. Yeah, seek help. You're right. Reading into the emojis he sends you.

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Uh normal to delusional.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

Getting upset if he doesn't post you.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

It depends on where you're at in the relationship. Yeah, I agree. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Watching his friend's stories to see if he's there.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Oh, that's delusional and seek help. Really? Yeah, I think so. Oh. Okay, then clearly I'm really dramatic.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Because I think I do all of this. You're just a private investigator. Yeah. I just stalk the boys. What can I say? Well, that's all we have today, unless my mom has something else she wants to say. I don't know. Do you? Do you have any other things? I I feel pretty complete. I think I shared a lot. Yeah. Well, if you're listening and you already feel seen, then this podcast is doing its job. You don't need to have your life figured out to belong here. Sometimes just noticing what you're feeling is enough. Thank you for spending this time with me. I'll talk to you again soon. Goodbye. Bye bye.