This Wasn’t Supposed to Happen Again

What does it actually mean to survive breast cancer as a young adult—and what happens when cancer comes back into your family in a completely different way?

In this deeply personal episode, I sit down with my mom to share our experience from both sides of a young adult cancer diagnosis. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in my 30s, and she was the parent navigating the fear, uncertainty, and reality of watching her child go through chemotherapy, treatment, and recovery. We talk honestly about the caregiver experience, the emotional toll of cancer, and what it takes to stay grounded when your life is turned upside down.

But our story didn’t end with survivorship.

After I finished treatment and entered life after cancer, our family was faced with another devastating diagnosis—my stepdad’s stage 4 cancer. In this episode, we open up about what it’s like to go from cancer survivor to caregiver, how we navigated advanced cancer, and the grief of losing someone you love after already fighting so hard to survive.

We talk about:

•  surviving breast cancer in your 30s
•  the reality of being a parent of a child with cancer
•  the emotional and physical weight of the cancer caregiver journey
•  navigating stage 4 cancer diagnosis and end-of-life
• anticipatory grief, loss, and coping after cancer
•  the complicated truth about cancer survivorship

This episode is for anyone facing a cancer diagnosis, supporting a loved one through treatment, or trying to understand what comes after—because surviving cancer doesn’t mean the story is over.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Okay, this one is for Colleen Hawksworth. There are moments in life that divide everything into before and after. A diagnosis, a phone call, a shift you didn't ask for, but one that changes the shape of your entire world. And this episode is about what happens in those kinds of moments, and more importantly, who shows up inside of them. For me, that person was my mom. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I was the one in the hospital bed, but she was the one that ultimately held my life together. The questions I had, the fear, the unknown, all of that. She made things feel as normal as possible for me when nothing was. She cooked dinners, she cared for my baby. Almost like we were sharing custody of her at the time during my active treatment in chemotherapy. And what I didn't fully understand at the time is that when a child gets sick, even an adult child, a mother becomes more than just your mom. She becomes an advocate. She becomes a protector, one of your decision makers, and a steady presence in the middle of that chaos if you are lucky enough to have a mother's support. She carried the weight of what could happen while trying to let me not feel it. And her story did not end there. Because as we know, my story so far has had a happy ending as I've been in remission for the last couple of years. And since that time, my mom has found herself in a caretaking role again, but this time not as a mother to a sick child, but to a partner caring for the love of her life, her husband of 32 years, and my stepdad, Phil. She walked with him through stage four cancer last year, um, all of 2025, and ultimately through his loss. And that kind of caregiving is different. Um it is much different caring for a person who is passing than it is caring for somebody who is actively sick, um, knowing that it is going to be temporary. It's just very heavy in a in a different way. It's loving someone while slowly learning how to live without them. It's what we call anticipatory grief. This is for the people in that position right now. Or maybe you're grieving because you've gone through something similar. It's for the moms sitting in hospital rooms or the partners managing medications, trying to stay strong. The people holding it together on the outside where everything inside feels like it's unraveling. We are not here to offer you perfect answers, I'll tell you that, but we are here to be honest about what it actually feels like, and hopefully to make some of you out there feel a little less alone. Welcome to Tata for Now. Today we have a very special guest with us today. Um, her name happens to be to me, mom, but um, she goes by Colleen Hawksworth. And Colleen, um, she's here to talk to us today about all things uh motherhood and being the mother of someone that has an AYA adolescent or young adult cancer diagnosis, or really it pertains to any child that has any um really traumatic event or illness in their life. So I feel like there's just so much to learn today from you. And we're gonna go from a conversation about what it's like to mother someone that has cancer to then having to transition to caretaker mode to take care of someone with cancer that is your spouse who has a terminal illness and ultimately passes from stage four cancer. But I really want to start today. Uh, well, first of all, thank you so much for being willing to do this because it's still so fresh. Like both experiences have been within the last couple of years, and um it's just a very fresh time. And I appreciate you being open enough to talk to me privately all the time, but now in front of all of our guests. You're welcome. She's already tearing up the emotional. I mean, it is. It's been an emotional roller coaster for us for I mean, for a very long time. Um, and I I have talked to you so much about the experience of going through cancer with you as your daughter. I mean, we lived it, we know what that was like. Um, and mostly um, when I look back, I think about how lucky that I am to have you and that I'm thankful that our relationship got so much closer and um just so authentic and beautiful as we move through that experience. But for you, it was a little different of a story uh because you had to be my mom. You had to be somebody that had to worry for me, and you also took on like a caretaker role. There's so many other parents and mothers um of children that go through this now. And it's so hard to know how to navigate it. I don't necessarily think there is a right way, but it's important for us to talk about that because um, when people know that they're not alone, it helps to just move through that experience um and not feel so isolated. And ultimately, um, this conversation is to help other people get through it um so that they don't feel as alone. Uh so uh I would love to just get right into it because we have kind of a lot to get through, and I feel like we may just have to do multiple episodes in order to get through all of it. But where I would like to start is um when you think back at that time that I had cancer, what did it actually feel like to be a mom to a child with cancer and not just what you did, but what you carried as a mother, as a mother and not just um who you are today.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

As your mom, you were gone 10 years and then moved back home. So you had been very independent from me and we had a good relationship and I visited you, but you had just moved back home to Columbus with Margot. So for me, the whole trauma, the whole diagnosis and everything brought a lot of questions as a mom because I wanted to be supportive, but I also wanted to be very respectful of your family, of Frank and Margot, and be the person that supported you, but also be the person that respected your boundaries and everybody else in your life. So for me initially, I had feelings like, you know, how involved should I be? What should I do? And I really tried to let you day by day guide how involved I was or what decisions I made. The other things I thought about, of course, trauma. Um I had cancer in my 30s and I remembered what it was like and um worry. It was stage three. I knew how serious that was. Um, I didn't want to give you false hope that things were gonna be perfect in six months, but I also wanted you to feel hope and feel like you were cared for and loved and wrapped in loved, and that, you know, we could all work and beat this together.

SPEAKER_01 8:16

And I think that you did that beautifully. And I guess um, as like a follow-up question, how did you balance the fear that I came to you with of being constantly terrified for my life? And I would come to you um because I appreciated your openness to not just like shove my fear of death away. Uh, one thing that I really appreciated through that time when I was first diagnosed and then first started treatment, because something that um that happened to me when I started chemotherapy is that I had a pretty large tumor in my right breast. Um, it was the size of about a large egg, and I started a very heavy dose of what they call the red devil. It's a very strong chemotherapy, if you're not aware. And um, my tumor was not shrinking at that time. And I remember when I was first diagnosed, obviously being stage three, it had traveled through my lymph nodes, and then my tumor was not shrinking. And I was so afraid. I was so afraid for the trajectory of how the journey would go for me, considering that I was given like the highest, one of the most potent forms of chemotherapy that exists, and my tumor was not budging. And I think about that time, and I'm like, how did you b balance like my fear with yours? Because I was a constant, probably source of agony for you at that time in many ways.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

I think that as a mom, you you try to be the person you need to be in the moment. So I felt like it was my job to be strong when you couldn't be strong and to be loving and kind and to kind of take things off your plate that I could take off. Cooking, watching Margot, uh, being there for Frank when he needed me. Just do all the things a mom does. And I told you that, you know, when you were little, you know, I was a working divorced single mom. So I couldn't always be there for you when you were little. So I tried to let you know that it was a privilege and an honor to be able to be there and be retired and to have the ability to be there for you and Marg just at a moment's notice.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

Yes. And I told and I think that that's also part of the reason why. Um, and I've been so open about this. One of the reasons why I was able to start thriving beyond breast cancer is because of the fact that um I had the privilege of having parents that were all retired and could help me balance childcare and survival and the cooking and taking care of my husband. And you guys were really our caretakers during that time, and you specifically, um, for people who don't know about my journey. Um I did about six and a half, almost seven months of chemotherapy. And during that time, my mom and I practically shared custody of my daughter. Um, and it was a really scary time because I didn't feel good enough to mother. And I felt so much guilt about not being feeling good enough to show up for my kid in a time where, well, I wanted to, but I just felt so sick from the chemotherapy. And so my mom took care of my daughter during that time. That's one of the things that really hurts my heart for other women that have children that don't have that kind of support because for me it was a true lifeline. And for you, it was a way that you could show up for me during cancer in a way that was like extremely productive and helpful, but also a huge privilege because you weren't working at the time. So that was so lucky for us, you know.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

I think um taking care of Margot for me was really helpful in giving me an outlet for my anxiety and fear because I had to focus on her and I could enjoy her and be with her and rock her and sing to her and cuddle her. So she gave me comfort when I was caring for her and you. So that to me was a blessing. Um, and I think the fear, you just have to, you know, for me, it's probably the wrong thing to do, but I kind of tried to push it down and push it back and think that right now I don't have time to be afraid. Right now, I just have to do and keep doing and keep moving forward until we get through this. That there wasn't really a place for fear.

SPEAKER_01 13:10

There were times in the shower where I might cry or sob or lose it, but then I had to kind of suck it up and pull it back together for you and for my so during those times where you were feeling those like heavy emotions, what were the thoughts that go through your head during those moments? Like worst-case scenarios, basically? Sure.

SPEAKER_00 13:28

I was afraid that you might die. I was afraid that I would lose my youngest child, and it was terrifying to me because you don't want to have your children die before you do. You want your children to live beyond you. And I wanted you to have a good life, and I wanted you to feel healthy and whole in the midst of surgeries and all of the horrible things that go along with breast cancer. Um, you know, it's a it does terrible damage to your body. And I know as a woman that that impacts you, it impacts your marriage and your physical relationship with your spouse. It impacts everything. So as a mom, you don't want your child to have to go through that trauma, but you also don't want to let all your fear and anxiety be visible and make them, you don't want them to feed off your fear. You want to be. Yes, and and just kind of keep it in its own place.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

So, what would you say to somebody whose whose daughter or son was just diagnosed with cancer? Whether I I would have to say um childhood cancer is absolutely devastating. I can't even fathom. Um, I literally can't. So that's why I have a little bit more compassion now for you because I'm sure you think of me like that five-year-old.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

You're my child. You'll be my child.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And so I don't think I appreciated at the time of diagnosis how much me getting cancer affected my entire family. Um, and the people that loved me most who would consider me family, you know, whether that's friends or just my loved ones in general. I think a lot of times we have to carry others um emotions. And there's a lot of like exhaustion that comes from that when other people put their emotions onto you. But for the people that really love you, they don't do that, right? They take care of you, they show up for you in ways like cooking or cleaning or whatever while you're going through treatment. Um, and so it feels nice because you don't have to carry the weight of other people's emotions. And I think that when you get diagnosed with cancer, the biggest advice that I could give now, you know, retroactively, um hindsight being 2020 is really just is that, you know, just showing up for somebody and and not putting your own emotions into it. Um because that's gonna make it way too difficult for both of you in the end, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:19

And I think I talked to you about I'm a person who tries to live the day I have, not the future, not the past. And for many years I've meditated and I meditate. And I think one of the things that helped me in this situation was being able to go out to my barn, be able to sit, being able to meditate and start each day with some kind of a practice to get myself balanced and organized for the day. I think that was really important for me, going through this for you, just because I knew that I had to be ready when Margot wrote woke up, or I had to be ready to go see you. So having a practice of self-care that was that that I had been doing for many years, I think very huge.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

Do you feel like you leaned into the self-care because of that? Because you knew you had to show up physically.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

When I got cancer in my 30s and went through therapy, I learned about meditation and started practicing it and have always practiced it. And I think that helped me then. And I think you kind of get away from that. But I think when you have things you can lean on that are part of your spiritual self. And by spiritual, I don't mean religion. I mean your core and what makes you happy. Yes. And so for me, you know, it's being with my horses, it's being in the barn, it's being with the dogs, it's it's having time to just sit and be still and not have to think about anything else. I think that was really helpful for me through your sickness. And um, it helped me be grounded for Marg, because then when she woke up and she got up, we were both ready to start our day.

SPEAKER_01 18:10

Yeah. I love that that you that you've been doing that my whole life. I mean, obviously, um, in the last 10 years or so when things when shit has hit the fan um time and time again, I would say that practice has been very fruitful for the entire family now. Um, but so for a mom though, who just found out that her child is sick, what is the very first thing that you might want her to know?

SPEAKER_00 18:42

That she's not alone, that you'll be there for her and with her and walk the journey alongside.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

Are there a lot of people that showed up for Colleen when I was sick? Are there a lot of people that showed up for you and and and said um that they loved you, that they cared about you too? Not really. No? Okay, so then that's like something to I mean, not like a warning, but it's it's you're not alone. I guess back to your message is you're not alone because the per the people around you are gonna be more worried about the sick individual, right?

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Everybody's focus is on the person who's trying to heal.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Um and that goes for like anything huge, right? If whoever the caretaker is, um oftentimes they're in the shadows, right? It's a thankless job a lot of times, especially being a mom on top of that. But what do you think like helped me emotionally during all of that? Because you had to show up for for yourself and self-care and do all of these things while actively being a caretaker, and you had my emotions and my considerations and mine simply because you're my mom and you can't not like when it's your child um experiencing something, you can't not be like absolutely obsessed with whatever that thing is to try to help them through it. Um and so what do you feel like uh like actually helped me get through it from your perspective?

SPEAKER_00 20:24

The best way I could help you is just to be there. Um, I think at times I got it wrong and at times I got it right. I mean, there were times when I wanted to try to fix things, and you were very clear about the fact that I was not, I could not and should not try to fix things for you. Because as a mom, you want to.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

And there were times when I give an example when I would like give you advice about say sleep. Okay, or you should get more sleep, or um, you know, drinking water, or like nutrition, nutrition, or giving unsolicited advice, basically. Yes, okay, or giving you statistics, things I read. True. I did not know that. You're right, you hated that. You hated it. Yes. And so I found out what not to do. And I also knew that there were things that you found to be very supportive. You loved when I made you cookies.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

So, you know, this is part of just who I am. If I'm like really interested in something, I'm gonna try to figure out everything I know about it, like literally everything. And so when I found out I had breast cancer, of course I'm gonna become hyper focused on researching top to bottom every single thing about it. And so then what would happen is because I was so inundated with information and I just I was like, I know everything, you know. I not I know everything, but I was like, you know, so connected to all the doctors and I was reading all the studies and I was going so above and beyond what a normal patient, I feel like, does. Um, so then when people would come to me and offer things that would be helpful for me, uh, like alternative therapies or things that might just like support my recovery or this or that, there's a lot of like well-intentioned people out there that are gonna give you unsolicited advice or things, and you're gonna feel a lot of rage because you're gonna be like, yeah, no fucking shit, Sherlock. I've already read that like 10 times. But we, the person who is me who has done that, also needs to understand, like, but you know, they haven't because they don't have breast cancer and they're coming from a good place. But I think that that's like where that comes from, um, the hesitation. And the the thing that I think really I loved so much about um your support was the times that you made desserts. Like she made me dessert like once a week when I was going through chemo, like a batch of like brownies or like cheesecake or whatever. You always like made a batch of something for us to have, and um, and dinners, you know, cooking or like coming over and doing the laundry or child, like caretaking for their children. Like that's what is so imperative, I think, um, for for caretakers, mothers, anyone trying to help somebody getting through like that initial shitty time of treatment is like is showing up and doing the things that most people don't have the bandwidth for when they're sick or caretaking for a sick person.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Wouldn't you agree? Yes. Also, things like getting you a decent wig. I mean, yes, um, talking to your brother and getting people to help me pay for a decent wig for you when you because when you lost your hair because I knew how hard that is as a woman to not have your hair. And, you know, working with you and going with you to pick that out, I think that was something that we could do in a way I could support you as a woman.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 24:15

And wanted to do that.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

That's a good point. That was something I never really thought about. But um, after I shaved my head, for those are that are not aware, there was definitely a time period that I felt a lot of loss and I wanted um, I wanted to have hair. And so my whole family got together and like the very, very nice wigs are thousands and thousands of ours. They're just ridiculous. And there's a very big difference between um a nicely made wig uh from professionals that have real human hair versus, you know, a wig that you can get on Amazon for$10. Like there's just a huge difference. And so I, you know, I was lucky enough that my family got me one as a gift. And it did. It made me feel so much better. And I think like those are the kinds of things like helping the person feel as whole as possible at a time when nothing feels whole or complete in their life.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

And as a mom, it feels good to give you something tangible that you can touch, that you can hold, that you can eat, that you can wear. Yes. And feel like I can be a part of helping you feel better.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

And acts of service also like give the person who's giving it it gives you dopamine too.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Like it goes both ways. Um all these are great ideas. I I think that um the biggest thing uh for me is the transition from having to take care of me with stage three cancer and having a a baby who you just kind of like immediately helped start caring for when I was sick, um, is that you then had to transition from that to caretaking for somebody else that's sick. Um, and so that was like the other big part and the bulk of really what I want to talk about, uh, because this is an experience that we went through together and it was very different than me having cancer. It was different. For me having cancer, I think there was a communal um decision. Everyone backing me had made the decision that like there's literally no other way out of this except for through it, and you're gonna get through it. Like there was never a doubt in like anyone's mind um for the situation that I went through. And so we all knew that all of this stuff was temporary. And knowing that something is temporary, if you're lucky enough to be diagnosed with early stage cancer instead of um like a stage for something that is terminal or chronic, is that you have the gift of understanding that you are lucky enough that you have the chance to cure this disease and this will all be temporary. And that is an easier pill to swallow. What do you think though? So, knowing kind of both of those things, and I think that this answer can could be different depending on the stage of cancer that like your the person that you're caretaking has. And so, in this context, before we move into the other caretaking role, for what you did for me, what did the experience teach you specifically about motherhood that you couldn't have learned in any other way? And I think that this situation pertains to somebody that had early stage cancer because it would be very different if I had been diagnosed stage four and was terminal and passed. And so that's kind of why I wanted to make the distinction ahead of time.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

I think I've learned a lot about myself through all of this. I've learned a little bit about my own resilience and my ability to cope. I'm stronger than I thought I was. I also learned a little bit more about compassion, even though I felt like I was a compassionate person. I think I learned more about what it really means to feel and show compassion to others. And I learned what the little things mean, the the phone calls or stopping by someone's house or the texts that uh until you go through it, you don't realize how all those little things impact people. So for me, it's made me much more sensitive and aware as a person and as a friend or as a mother that those little things are really important and things that we might dismiss and think, well, nobody will think about that, or it doesn't matter. It does matter. It does matter when you send a text or if you make a batch of brownies, you know, and those little things are really the big things in the end.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

It matters less if you say the wrong thing than if you say nothing at all.

SPEAKER_00 29:24

Yes, right? The fact that you care is important, yeah. Just saying that I think is important. And I said I know so many people through my experience don't say anything because they don't know what to say. Or they pull back because they don't know how to engage. And so what I would say is there's really no wrong thing to say if you if you care. And that, you know, sometimes those messages are really important.

SPEAKER_01 29:58

And we're going to pause there. Not because the story ends here, but because it can't. This conversation, like so many parts of our life, does not wrap up neatly. It does not stay contained in one episode, in one moment, or in one version of our memory. What we've shared today is a piece of what it has been like for my mom to be my mom through it all. The ordinary and the extraordinary, the joy, the fear, the survival, and everything in between. And in the next episode, we're going to go deeper into another part of our story. One that changed everything yet again. When cancer came back into our family in a way we never expected, and we lost my stepdad. It's not an easy conversation, but it is an important one. So I'm gonna leave it here, in the middle of all of it. Because that's often where real life is lived. Not in endings, but in the pauses between what was and what comes next. This is Tata for Now, and we'll be back with you soon. And of course, we have to end every episode with a quote from Winnie the Pooh. It makes such a difference, said Pooh, to have someone who believes in you. Thank you for joining Tata for Now. Make sure to like and share wherever you get your podcasts.