Quack AF: Unapologetically Queer and Black
Trey and JJ are two creative friends who specialize in yapping. On Quack AF, they share their experiences and opinions on society as Queer and Black (Quack) men. With special guests, other Quack individuals, friends and more, it’s always a good time filled with laughter, education, and inspiration.
Quack AF: Unapologetically Queer and Black
Up to Date Gays
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Dating is hard! On this episode, JJ and Trey dive into why this might be the case. Trey might still have a crush on Stitch and JJ takes an odyssey.
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You're listening to QX A Radio Yeah, I'm a bad bitch, I bite, he beat it up all night, all night.
SPEAKER_02Pull up, it's on site. Oh, stay pressed, I don't wanna catch a light. I do my dance in my pants. I want my cat in the chance. Backslash in the chance, backslash, I get pants, I'm a bad bitch, I park, you rockin' with us like Mark. Let's start, post-in up, we about to make a mark. I'm a bad bitch, I park, you rockin' with us like Mark. Get set. Let's start, post with up, we're about to make a mark.
SPEAKER_01You're listening to QX Play Radio. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Hey y'all. Hey bitches. What the fuck is up? What the fuck is up? I'm sorry, I just put my phone down. So if you heard that nice person is already fucked it up.
SPEAKER_03Start over y'all. Welcome to Quack AF. I'm JJ. I'm Trey. And we're Quack AF. All right.
SPEAKER_02Love to hear that. Like I said, I'm one of our biggest fans. So I'm going to listen to the podcast and play it back and just enjoy the conversation that I hear because especially talking about it with my friends.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02The thoughts that are provoked by our conversation, the thoughts and inspirations that are like provoked by the conversation. Like I love it. Like this is something that we should be this should be we should be doing.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I I feel very in place in my life with this. I'm actually having this podcast, it's great because I got something in the background. I already have plans on my own. I got something in the background I'm already doing with you. And it's just like, oh gosh. It just feels good to have work on something. It just feels good to make something, especially for people who, you know, might be listening one day.
SPEAKER_02Right. And it's good to like be an inspiration to other people to be who they are. Yes. And be better. Yeah. Be more comfortable in who they are. Like, I know people are going to listen to us and be like, damn, these two bitches. They don't make any sense. They don't make any sense because they're all over the place. But they just can see us, they can hear us having our friendship and be inspired to be like, oh, let me try and be having a friendship like this. Or let me act like they're my friends, especially if they're sitting alone. Like, bitch, we are here for you. Like, I'm glad you're listening to us. Like, we appreciate it. I'm glad you keep on listening to us. We appreciate it. We appreciate the the clicks and the downloads. Yes, like I said, find our TikTok with somebody lengthened the um, well, my TikTok, let's be lengthened the notes. Please, it'll be his TikTok. Um, but just we appreciate you. And just like I said, reach out to us. Like we want to we want ideas about how we want to carry around the show and new ideas. Like I said, eventually we're gonna get to video. So you TikTok bitches will be off our backs. But yeah, so it's gonna be exciting. It's gonna be exciting.
SPEAKER_03Are there any um TikTok bitches on our backs right now?
SPEAKER_02Um well, depending on, like I said, I'll post a snippet uh of the the clips of like different sound bites from the podcast. And they don't do as well as if I were to take a video myself and like record myself saying something or like put it back up, put a sound in the background. Okay, so that's how that works. So I think it would be better for us if we had the video.
SPEAKER_03Okay, cool, cool, cool. But we're getting there. We will get there. That'll be uh again, always working towards it. And hey, if you think you could do a podcast better than us, then do it. Not for the sake of having any type of competition, but because creation always inspires creation. And I want to inspire people to do anything in any way, anything, any way possible. So please make your own podcast, have your own friends, inspire people to make more, just like we are doing.
SPEAKER_02Right. And so, and if you are gonna make podcasts, bitch, you better shout us out. If you listen to this, talking about, oh, that's a good podcast, too. Shout out to your motherfucking podcast, which I'm gonna do right now. Yeah, shout out, they're not sponsoring us, but I like their podcast. Oh sibling rivalry. Oh, yep, yeah. Have you heard of it? I have only heard you mention it. Okay, right, because I'm a fan. Because I've been a fan. Like it's Mona Exchange, who's a drag queen, and Bob the Dragon, Bob the Drag Queen, who is, you guessed it, a drag queen. Holy shit. And they are, like I said, they're unapologetically themselves. And they just they talk about different stuff. Like, I have ideas, I'm thinking about ideas that I want and where I want the podcast to go based off of what they do. Like, I I love their podcast, I love their structure, and they're just sometimes they're just talking about shit and they're just themselves. They're talking about drag weight, oh shit, not drag ways, drag race. Um drag weight. Yeah, don't get a little rhoticism. Don't do that because people actually have that.
SPEAKER_03Rhoticism?
SPEAKER_02What is that?
SPEAKER_03That's when you can't pronounce ours properly. You pronounce them as that's why I I found it funny. I'm so sorry. I'm so I promise you, don't cancel me. And we're canceled, but back it up.
SPEAKER_02Anyways, you were saying um, but yeah, like you said, I love their podcast. I was listening to it on the way here because I love the pistol I listen to them. Shout out to them.
SPEAKER_03Okay, I actually um a podcast I got into because someone introduced it to me, my friend. Um, he had shown me somebody, but after listening to that podcast, watching that podcast, I was like, yo, I think I just love this white woman. And my favorite white woman right now is Brittany Bruski. And shout outs to Britney Bruski. I fucking love her. She's so funny. And oh my gosh. I will never, there will not be a single day of my life where if that video where she plays FNAF is not funny to me. Not FNAF. If you want to make me laugh immediately, just play that video because oh my god. What's I'm sorry, what's FNAF? FNAF is hey night Freddy's FNAF. Well, FNAF Freddy's. Friday. Friday night. What's it called? Five Freddy's Freddy. Fed Freddy's, yes. Okay. It's about the scary bear. Yeah, right. He's everywhere. Yeah. And he has like five other four other friends.
SPEAKER_02So it's her reacting to it?
SPEAKER_03She was playing the games, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Oh, it's a game. Oh, okay. Bitch, I don't know nothing about it. What? I don't know nothing about it.
SPEAKER_03I don't think phenomenon. It's like a whole thing. Even in, it's like Poppy's playtime.
SPEAKER_02I don't fuck with that. So you know what that one is though, right? No, I don't.
SPEAKER_03Oh, your students haven't even said anything. Oh, okay. You're talking about like Papa's pizzeria and that shit? No, it's another fucking horror game. Oh, I don't fucking horror game. Oh my gosh! I gotta I have to now culturally expose you to this. Just like you have to culturally expose me to some other things. I gotta culturally expose you. Fuck. Culturally expose you to Finance at Freddy's because it's like it's it's how how well do you do with scary things? If I can't go in a little tangent.
SPEAKER_02I don't fuck with scary things. Like I don't like dump scares, I don't like me scared, I don't particularly like roller coasters all that much.
SPEAKER_04Real roller coasters?
SPEAKER_02I don't I don't like that six and rush. I don't like that.
SPEAKER_03Oh my gosh. You're so boring. Okay, fuck it too, bitch. No, but seriously, you you telling me you go to Carolins and you're like I don't go to Carolins. Culturally exposed you to Carolins.
SPEAKER_02I know what Carolins is. I've been to Carowins, but I'm like, oh, you know what I'm bored today. Let me drive on down to Carowins.
SPEAKER_03What do you do? What do you do with Carowins if you go? If you ever were to go to Carolins again. Hold everyone's stuff? Hold everyone's no. This is so devastating to learn at this exact moment. Dear Lord. I mean, I gotta take a roller coaster.
SPEAKER_02I need a warm-up. Like I need to get my fucking carousel, carry around the fucking bumper cars, the go-karts, I need to work my way up to kitty rides. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then maybe I can start to enjoy the roller coaster.
SPEAKER_03Okay, okay. When have you ever been on roller coaster? Like you have. Okay, when was the last time you were on a roller coaster?
SPEAKER_02I don't even remember. Like how many years if you could guess? It's been probably I'm 26 now. Oh. Hold up, put your bitch ass. Nigga, you older than me. Anyways.
SPEAKER_0326. Oh.
SPEAKER_02Right. Um, I think it's been at least. You could say a decade. It's okay. I was about to say at least a decade. It's probably been about a decade.
SPEAKER_03It's been at least probably about 10 years. Okay, okay. Golly. Oh my gosh. That is. Oh, we gotta go. We gotta go carol wins now. We gotta go. Yeah, you ready to hold everyone's stuff? No, whatever. You fuck! Try! Try! Okay. I'll get there eventually. Episode five, y'all.
SPEAKER_02Three right now.
SPEAKER_03Um I'm gonna give it one more. Right. But um, yeah, okay. We have an actual topic today. We don't we don't talk about roller coasters or whatever. We're talking about something actually real. And we have an actual TikTok to get to. And I think it'll be perfect. He's been trying to play this TikTok for the last eight episodes, y'all. We're on episode three. Yeah, exactly. Um I wanted to keep it coming. I wanted to see how long it before it would be before we even. Right.
SPEAKER_02He wants he wanted to add your bitches on the whole the whole podcast.
SPEAKER_03It was just like the fact that we have already done two episodes now. Yeah, and it's okay.
SPEAKER_02We still they can still let's do it. So it's a podcast that is sorry, not a podcast, it's a TikTok. It's a podcast, yeah. That it's um what's his name? Rob Roberto Ramon. He posted at the beginning of the year in January. And I thought it was interesting to pop it was an interesting like thing.
SPEAKER_03I resonated with it. Like a little segue. Well, not segue, sorry. You resonated with it because it was like related to your experience. Yeah, and I thought it was missing, and I wanted to hear your experience with it. Okay, real, real.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So here we go.
SPEAKER_00You know, I was just thinking about this, um, but it's funny how your childhood really informs how you move later in life. Growing up as a black gay man, I realized early on that I was different. And I was very much aware of my sexuality, and I was also aware that I was different in a way that I would not be celebrated and I'd be judged for it. Like I really I really had that understanding early on. So I thought, hmm, I'm not safe for and I don't feel comfortable expressing myself. So, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna retreat into myself, and I'm gonna learn how to be my own best friend. I'm gonna learn how to be able to be my own space of my own energy. And it wasn't my choice, it was hard to survive. I really was the kid who might sit, you know, read my CD player, like read the music like back to back, like front-to back, like reading the city booklets and stuff. Basically, I learned how to entertain myself. And even with entertaining myself and being comfortable with being around energy, I became aware of my spiritual gifts and my talents. And now as a black gay man navigating this very interesting world we live in today. Um I have to say, I don't know if anybody else can relate, but sometimes the degree of which I can uh be alone scares me because I start feeling guilty and I start feeling like there's something wrong with me. And maybe there is, you know, maybe I need more balance. Maybe I need to step out there and find a greater sense of community. I think there's just always that inner dialogue.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Yeah, I forgot. So that if you have the chance, it's Roberto Ramon. It was posted on January 13th. If you want to listen to the full TikTok, we can, but I really wanted to talk about and get your thoughts on just those main points that he was saying.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. Um, I actually very much have recently realized a couple of times where it's just like as a child, I kind of had ideas and thoughts, and it's like these weren't really expanded on. It was just like something I just thought, and I was like, okay, this is how the world works. This is how I have to be in order for me to like fit into the world. And like the ways that I thought was okay. Okay, okay. It's separate. It's like this is how I want to be, this is how I want to exist in the world, this is what I think about the world. And then later on in life, it became of like, this is how I fit into the world, this is how I survive in this world, that sort of thing. And I'm realizing a lot recently where a lot of the old ideologies I had about a lot of things, they come back to me and they're the solutions to a lot of my recent problems. And it's so crazy how I used to be so enveloped in myself that people's people's emotions and feelings are important, but they weren't as important to me as a lot of other things were when I was a kid. And so a lot of the things I would think would be. I'm this way because I want to be this way, and then this is the and then I'm transferring into this is how you need to be the in the to survive the world. And then I'm learning that all those ways I used to think are actively things I should believe in again because I've lost myself trying to fit into the world. And a lot of the ways I think I thought I was a kid was just like when I'm I'm just reminded now of just like, holy crap, I should have kept that. I I need to keep this. It's important to me. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Um Damn we got a little lost there, but yeah. No, it's okay. I mean, I know you hit the mic, and he's like, don't think about it, don't think about it. So um so yeah, like you saying that you had your idea of how you wanted to present yourself in the world and your own thoughts, but then when you came into the world, you're like, whoa, hold up, old Jamal. Um might be a little bit too much for somebody. It might be too much for society, it might be too much for the city.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, people didn't like that. People didn't like the way I was thinking when I was a kid. And then I I decided to try and change that because people didn't like that. And that's when I was like, oh my gosh, I lost this because I'm trying to fit into something that obviously isn't gonna ever accept accept me. And then it's like, okay, bring back what we used to think, bring back how we used to perceive ourselves, and then I feel more powerful in myself. I feel more full of myself instead of full of things that aren't me. Yeah, that sort of thing.
SPEAKER_02Because I think, like I said, one of the main reasons why we started this podcast is because we wanted a space to create a space where we could be ourselves. Yeah. And I think it is snowballed into what it's like right wrong, episode three, bitch. We already got ideas for more episodes, like just talking about real things that we want to talk about and about who we are as people.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_02And that's the beauty of the community. I think he's gonna talk more about it in the um the TikTok. I haven't watched it in a while, but um, I think he talks more about that in the TikTok. Um I was kind of the same way, I guess, where a lot of the things that I had going on, I tried to figure them out internally because I don't think I trusted anyone else around me with how I was feeling because I didn't see anyone that looked like me or acted like me going through shit. Yeah. Like of course I had my parents, but I just I didn't have any siblings around me to say, oh, that our quote unquote peers are I grew up with to where well I did have friends, but I didn't have peers in the house with me to help me go through internal struggles I was dealing with, so because I was the only quote unquote only child. Um have my sister, but she's 12 years older than me. Yeah, so you guys were obviously separate. Right. So it's just so it was interesting because I think I became a a recluse and secluded myself for a different reason than what he was saying in the in the TikTok. But I think it does say that okay, yeah, because I was black and gay, I had a hard time expressing my feelings. I had a hard time expressing my thoughts to people around me. Yeah, yeah. And I got comfortable with being alone. I got comfortable with just having the dialogues with myself, and it's it's shown up in my relationships now, and my and I mean like friendships and like clinical relationships as well like to where I'm okay with being alone, I'm okay with doing my own thing, but literally I still want that community at the same time. Like I'm okay with being by myself, I'm okay with just moving about the world on my own. Like I went to Atlanta by myself, I went to DC by myself the very first time, like, and I just I'm okay with being by myself, but I still I went to these places to look for community. To find some type of people, right, to find some more community, and I just it like I said the TikTok resonated with me in many, many different ways and many layers to it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um hearing it again, I'm certainly getting a better idea of like, okay, yeah. It it uh it applies to me. It applies to me for a bit of a different reason. Like it is still related to me as a black gay individual, but it's like I find the most peace when I'm with myself. I'm not afraid of that or or anything like that. That is something I'm very like, holy crap. Especially considering I'm I'm a I'm a I'm a um I want to say a people person. I very much enjoy making friends, I enjoy talking to people, getting to know people, that sort of thing. And so my life as currently um it's just like constant, like, oh, you know, uh a loop of new people, new faces, not just new faces, but old faces as well, old relationships, new relationships, that sort of thing. It's just like constantly keeping a track of that. So when I actually have the time to spend time with myself, that feels like a godsend. Because I'm constantly thinking about like how people are perceiving me, how people are looking at the things that I say and and all that jazz. And it's like when I'm with myself, I'm realizing holy crap, um, there is nobody who can see my mistakes and start pointing them out every five seconds. I can just like exist and I can just breathe and I can just I can just be me. And um I I very much see that when people when people don't accept you for you you you find your other you find other ways to kind of accept yourself. It takes some time, but you do eventually find that place where it's like this is where I feel most comfortable and the brain will always choose whatever's most comfortable.
SPEAKER_02And that's a beautiful thing.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I think to say you find comfort in yourself. I find comfort in myself too, I comfort in myself too, but I think I'm very critical of myself.
SPEAKER_03What do you mean?
SPEAKER_02Like I I I believe I'm aware of most of most of the stuff that I do. And I feel like I'm very critical about my behavior as well. Um which is a good thing and a bad thing because I can kind of work on my own issues like internally and kind of work on it as best I can. But at the same time, sometimes I'm either too critical or I'm too hyper-focused on me. I don't think about it. Well, how is it in relationship with someone else? How do how how how is how is my just for a perfect example, like, because I deal with a lot of stuff internally, how does that come off to someone else that may want to deal with it externally, like have a conversation about it and talk about it. I like to do myself on my own, which works to a certain degree, but then sometimes it's best to talk it out with someone like we talked about with the other episodes.
SPEAKER_03Just like last time. I was about to say, like we a lot of time.
SPEAKER_02It's better to just talk it out and um be in be in the presence of other people so that you cannot only so you're not experiencing it alone.
SPEAKER_03To find that place where you feel like you can freely express that. Right. Cause I that's that's what you want. You want to be in a place where it's like you can. Just express that, and there is no judgment or fear that you'll be rejected for what you're thinking or feeling or whatever. So I get the aversion to just doing that. Um but it's also like there's it's a lot better, uh more beneficial for you to have that space, however it is, from whatever from wherever it comes. Um you had said something that was great, but I completely forgot what it was. My mind is out of here right now. Yeah, yeah, fucking notepad. Yeah, we kind of do. We kind of do it. I don't have a phone. I don't have my phone today, so we're about to do about this story where I lost my phone. I kind of do. Oh, brother. It's so funny, it came out of nowhere. Okay. Um, so I was at work and I was coming out of the bathroom, and I was at the I was washing my hands in the sink, and I I something popped up on my phone. I was like, oh shit. And this sink wouldn't, the the fucking water wouldn't drain down. Like usually it should, but it wasn't going down. I was like, okay, whatever. Um had my phone and then my hands were still wet. It was like it wasn't an urgent message, I will admit, but it was like, okay, I kind of wanted to answer this one. Slipped out of my hand into the water, into the into the sink. And I was like, okay, that's not too bad. I got really quick about it. I got it out really quick. That shit still got in there, and I was like, okay, cool. Well, I can just wait another day before my I can I can still touch it, I can still see it, you know whatever. I was like, hey, it was working. Um and then like an hour later, that display turned off. That bitch was like, I'm I'm a vibrating, but that's all I'm about to do. I'm like, oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02You need to put in rice. Well, it's probably too late now, but you probably need to put in rice.
SPEAKER_03That's what I did. Oh, you did? Like, I I after after the I made a lot of noise right there. After it happened, I got my one shift, my first shift done, and then I grabbed my other client and I was like, okay, let me go find some rice real quick. Dropped in rice and then went to work and then came back, got my phone again and checked it. That shit still did not work. And the place I went to, they said they're gonna put it in a dehydrator, and I was like, Isn't that what the rice was for? And he was like, It's not gonna work that way. It's gonna work probably better. I'm like, okay, sure. And so they have my phone until Monday. And so until then, um, if anybody texts me about like a funeral or something, I'm not gonna be able to hear it. Don't be doing that. How much was it? My phone? How much fixed, yeah. Uh he said if it's a simple fix, I don't, I don't even know. He said he's gonna put it in the dehydrator, and if it needs to be fixed at all, then it might be 60. But if I need to get if I need to get my screen replaced, it'll be 180. So I'm like, and guess who has no money this month? After last month, I have no money, bitch. I could help I'm so poor right now. I hate being a poor bitch.
SPEAKER_02I think poor can mean different things.
SPEAKER_03Should I say a more PC word?
SPEAKER_02Well, because you're not like poor poor. Okay, yeah. I mean, but you you just I'm in a position. You don't have extra money to play around with. Yeah, I have no space to that's a lot of people can be in that situation where they don't have a whole lot of extra money to play around with.
SPEAKER_03Especially this in this time and age right now. Especially where we're at right now, unfortunately. But hey, that's only all the more reason for you to donate to the sh. Not donate. Oh, send us to give us a tip to the show.
SPEAKER_02Like I said, a lot of that is gonna go towards us producing the show and making it better and bigger and better than what it is already is. Oh, please, yes. Yes, please. Yeah, so please donate. Uh shit.
SPEAKER_03Damn. Tip us. Yeah. That no, unfortunately, the money will not go to my McChick McChicken Nugget meal. Unfortunately, it will go towards the podcast. I know you guys want to give me a McChicken, but I gotta make sure the podcast be right. All right, all right, keep it right, get it tight.
SPEAKER_02Keep it right. Get it right, get it right, get it tight. I'm pretty tight as I as they tell me. Um tray. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. What's the what's the actual topic of the day? What's the boo? Okay. What's T. What's T. All right. Gay dating. Gay dating. Do we want to hear it?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we need to talk about it.
SPEAKER_02Oh my God. Because niggas be gay.
SPEAKER_03This, I've been hearing a lot. I've been hearing a lot about how dating in this current time is like bullshit. And not even just with the gays. Not yeah, exactly. Everybody. Everybody. And honestly, there's so many problems with um so many people of our age right now that it's just like you will text somebody, you will have full energy, and that bitch will give you a smiley face and then keep it moving.
SPEAKER_02I'm like, like, I was talking to a guy, I'm not gonna call him anything because we didn't come up with a name. Oh my gosh, I hate you! He I matched him on Tinder, and I would send this long ass message, and we would go back and forth, but then I was sending this long message about whatever, like whatever you were talking about, whatever we were talking about, and then he would just like the message. And then what? That's it. He would like the message, and that was it. He wouldn't say anything after, and so I have not continued the conversation because he just liked the message. You said this.
SPEAKER_03You told me about this.
SPEAKER_02I was like, girl, like liking a message is not carrying on the conversation.
SPEAKER_03Right. And people will be really been thinking that. I'm like, okay, if if we came to a good standstill, if our conversation was like, it's okay conversation, but we gotta, you know, I got things to do, you got, I got a job to go to. If we are not talking about anything serious, then yeah. If I'm like, if you're a casual friend that I've been talking to, I see all the time, then yeah, okay, you can me with a heart, uh thumbs up or whatever. Now, if we're talking about trying to get to know each other, right, and you have not officially ended the conversation, you're trying to get something done, you send me a heart after, like, up again, a big ass message. I'm a big texter. I'm a I'm a text queen, okay? I will be sending them big texts. And if you do that shit, do not expect me to text anything afterwards.
SPEAKER_02Because that's not carrying on the conversation. It's not adding to the conversation by you liking the message. In my opinion, this is my opinion. I think when you like a message, you don't want to carry on the conversation. Yeah, exactly. You just want it to end right then and there with you liking the message. That's how I like. That's how I like to. If I like stuff and I don't respond, it's because I don't want to carry on the conversation. I want this conversation to end, but I want to acknowledge you said something without me having to respond to it.
SPEAKER_03Right. Which again, if it's like you and me, we know each other, we're gonna see each other eventually. So it's just like, this was okay. This is fine. We're our conversation was not that important. Now, if we're talking about, you know, hey, I need you to be here, here, here, here, here, and we need to be doing something right here, yeah, yeah, yeah. And your ass is only sending me fucking thumbs up. I'm about to kick your ass. I'm about to literally walk up there and beat your ass. Okay, with the.
SPEAKER_02This is an important competition. With that specific example, that's a little different. Okay. It's like, okay, okay, I'll do that. My ass. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that.
SPEAKER_03My ass is not good with analogies, but you could what I mean. If I'm putting a lot of effort in and you're not giving me any effort back, then it's like I don't feel like there's anything coming out of this.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and so it's just there's a lot of problems, and we're not gonna speak on all of them because we we're not experts. We're not just saying this isn't a dating show. I'm sexperts, actually. I'm a sex bird. A sexpert, so you can talk to me. Okay. Um, but it's it's interesting because I think the phrase the microwave generation has come up a couple of times. You say microwave what? The microwave generation. What the fuck? I think it's either us or everyone after us. Like, we just want things very quickly and fast. Maybe it might be in millennials too. I don't know. That is true. Because we grew up with the microwave, like we didn't have to put shit in the oven to make it, we just put shit in the microwave. And now we don't even have to go out to the store and get shit. We just DoorDash. And they don't sponsor us. But we can just we just DoorDash.
SPEAKER_03Let's make that clear for some reason. Right. Um, you're right. That I'm getting a lot of that like quick satisfaction type deal where it's just like, oh, that makes me want to get right into the topic. Because oh my god, gays can be so annoying. Can I call them gays or do I have to call them gay people? That's okay because you're gay. Great. It's like can I say niggas on the chat? So it's too late. So yeah, it's okay. But you know what I mean. You know what I mean? Um, but yeah, no. Oh people are kind okay, gay people. All of us, let's get together real quick and let's talk. Okay. Um, what the fuck is the issue? What's the problem? Okay, um, here's the thing. So sniffies exist. Yeah. We could talk about this. Yeah. So sniffies exists, and on there, you're expecting like, okay, hookups, that sort of thing, that type of deal, that sort of thing. Yeah. That's literally what it's for. Yeah. Um, okay. And I'm like, that's the thought process. I'm me, I was pursuing I'm pursuing like something like, okay, I kind of want to just get to know somebody, you know, cuddle with them, getting it to it's like one of those things where it's like, I want quick satisfaction, but I don't want to have sex. I'm that's me. I know it's problematic.
SPEAKER_02I understand that because sniffies is there's less hoops to jump through. It's just somebody to get to get in contact with somebody and get them in your presence. Yes. To do whatever. Exactly. Like it's very, it's very quick. It's quicker than grinder, it's quicker than grinder. It's quicker than grinder, it's quicker than jacked. Um, and it's and that's a whole nother episode that we're gonna talk about the apps. Yes, the apps actually. But right now we're just talking about dating.
SPEAKER_03Um I wouldn't say that Sniffies is an app that you You don't use it to get to know people, right? You more so use it to just get that quick satisfaction, right? Which is like what I'm saying, like, okay, yeah, I just want to cuddle, which is the thing. Like, hey, sex is cool, sex is great. There's a lot of caveats that come with it. Like, you have to make sure you're prepped and ready, you're safe, you're safe, the person you're doing stuff with is safe, that sort of thing. Not everyone checks for that, but you know that's the things you should be checking for. Right. And so it's just like, okay, I get that. I'm not really a big on sex, anyways. I just want to cull with somebody. And I couldn't find that. And I don't know if it was because I'm too picky or whatever. And I'm like, okay, on that for a few weeks. I was like, you know what? I don't know what to do. Maybe I just get on Tinder. And Tinder is where you're like, you literally talk to people, you get to know people, that sort of thing. And you know what? Maybe it was me, but I was on Tinder, and every person, every person that I master with, it might as well have been sniffies. The way the gays were first asking, hey, you top of bottom, you you do this, that, um, insinuating sex. And I'm like, yo, yo, I can't, I can't just literally stop to get to know anybody. If I had stayed on Tinder maybe a little longer or any of these apps for a little longer, maybe I would have gotten what I wanted. But a lot of the times with gay people, all they really be kind of looking for is just like that type of quick satisfaction, that hookup, that sex, and I'm like, that's just not my life.
SPEAKER_02And that's not everybody, it's not everybody, all the gay, bro. I put all the gays into one category.
SPEAKER_03I won't say that.
SPEAKER_02A lot of in that in gay culture, that quick, fast satisfaction. Yes. And where does that send from? I don't know. Like people can speculate that in school you never really had those out relationships. Yeah. Because you weren't really sure, oh, is he is he even gay? Would he be is he first of all, is he even gay? I'm attracted to first of all, am I attracted to this person? Is this person attracted to me at all? Is this person is this person gay? That's true. And then is this person attracted to me at all? Those are the three big hurdles compared to like maybe the two. I feel like it's a couple, it's a few less hurdles.
SPEAKER_03I can think of a few pipelines that are a little that are a little less straight. Right. Like a straight a straight relationship is literally like a pipeline of just like, hey, you know, do they are they attract to me? Am I attracted to them? And can we get together? That sort of thing. And not even really anything of the sort.
SPEAKER_02And I think that goes into friendships as well. Like, I want gay friends, but the idea of sex is always gonna be there. It's always gonna be like it's not always, but like it's it's gonna be in the background.
SPEAKER_03Not always, but it's like it's like that thought. It's literally like that thought it's like that stereotype that most street people probably think in the same sense that a guy looks at a girl and they're friends, and then it's like every other person's telling them, like, oh yeah, you guys would be a cute couple, you guys, oh you guys are interested in each other, that sort of thing. People always thinking that. Like, if two gay men are in the same room, people and they know they're both gay, they're like, uh, you guys interested in each other? Yeah, are y'all dating?
SPEAKER_02Like, bitch, you wouldn't do that with two straight people, but like if there were just only two gay people in the room, they'd be like, oh, are they dating? Are they together? Like, I didn't even think about that, but yeah.
SPEAKER_03That's literally how it works. Oh my gosh. I dating dating culture just right now is interesting, but it's always kind of been that way. Because again, dating is just like gay dating is just like, how do you do that?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so like I think that that's why a lot of people are, especially gays. Like I said, our metrics and our like kind of yardstick for relationships and dating is very interesting. Like with you and was it Odyssey? Is that the name we came up with? Was that for my people? Yeah, for your people.
SPEAKER_03Oh sorry guys, we came up with three prenames. We pre-gate.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, Odyssey, yeah, sure. Odyssey. Okay, so so with you and Odyssey, y'all are basically married in gay terms. The way, the way that y'all were talking, in gay terms, y'all were married. Oh, okay. In my opinion, my perception.
SPEAKER_03What oh, okay. Can can I can I know why in gay terms that's what that was?
SPEAKER_02Okay, because we y'all hung out all the time, like y'all were friends first, yeah, y'all became closer, y'all grew up to each other, not grew up with each other, but like you had a New Year's kiss. Stopped like that. Like, I think that that whenever y'all talked about each other, y'all bitches were down each other's necks, not later, not literally, but figuratively.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. I guess the bar isn't usually like that for a lot of people when it comes to like damn. I can't call that casual for real, for real. Like, I do, I okay, right. When it comes to me and relationships, it's like, okay, I'm interested in this person. I want to show this person that I'm interested, and I want to do that in my way. And it's just constantly this thing of just like affirming, affirming actions that are showing you that hey, I'm I'm attracted to you, I'm into you, I want you to know that. And I I I I guess that kind of falls in line with a lot of the things where people are like, this is something that someone who is this interested would be compared to this interested. And I you guys can't see the hand signs I'm doing, but like one is low and one is high. And I guess my high, my my low, which is my low, my low, my low is like everyone else's high. And he he would affirm to me, like, oh, hey, you know, I don't get a lot of people to do this for me. I don't get people a lot of people to make me feel this way, that sort of thing. And you know, it's just like, oh, this is just basic stuff. It's like basic, you know, human connection, like showing you I'm a uh affection, that sort of thing.
SPEAKER_02Right. And I think it it's interesting you say that because I've also been told not with relationships, not with like romantic relationships, but like sexual. No, with friendships. I am significant in people's lives, and it it kind of just it kind of throws me off whenever it like we've talked about it. Like you said that I came into your life again at a good point where you needed somebody that you could talk to. Yeah. I thought I was just connecting with my with my friend again. I didn't think that much of it. And I think it's interesting that you say that because it's like, bitch, we're just moving in this world, just navigating different relationships. And uh Yeah, I think it's interesting.
SPEAKER_03It's it's just this thing where it's like you're constantly dealt with these hands of like low cards, these bad cards, these these things of just like this is this is this person giving me the most that they can in quotations, and it's not even feeling fulfilling at all. And then someone's giving me what the basis is of what a friend is, and I'm just like astounded because because it's just like, oh my god, I finally can like talk to someone and they treat me like a human. And it's crazy.
SPEAKER_02It's crazy that that's rare. Yes, like it should not be. Yes, we used to be treating each other with respect, we used to be caring about each other like one another.
SPEAKER_03I have that very like childish, um, that childish like perspective on on fr relationships, like you know, friendships and anything of the sort, where it's just like you you show someone you care by just showing them that you care. Right. That sort of thing. You just, you know, you have fun with this person and you tell them that they're a funny person. I just tell people that I like being around them because I like being around them. I don't like have all these 12 other ideas or or keep keep to myself about these thoughts because it's just like, yo, someone could need to hear that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and I mean personally need to work on my communication because I don't think I express enough how I care about the people that I care about. Right, right. And maybe because it's like it's like foreign to me, not maybe not foreign, but just like I don't know how to express it sometimes. Right. I get that. Like I think my love language is acts of service.
SPEAKER_03So most of the excuse me. The eyes just shot at me and he was like, yeah, I'll give you acts of service.
SPEAKER_02Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_03This is the thing. Gay dating eye. Gay dating, two gay men in one room.
SPEAKER_02Right, exactly. So it's just I need to work on communicating my feelings and emotions a little bit better so that people feel respected in the relationship.
SPEAKER_03If I can't say, just to affirm real quick, I you're the one of you're one of those friends where it's just like talking to you. I understand where your care is. I think sometimes it can get diluted by other things, other aspects of life. But I know for a fact, like on a basis level, I don't need to try hard to like get to understand that you I don't have to think hard to know that you care about me. For with other people, that's that's like a thing where it's just like, if you care about me, why would you treat me this way? And for you, that doesn't happen.
SPEAKER_02Interesting. Okay, well that's good to hear.
SPEAKER_03So yeah, you're a great friend.
SPEAKER_02Thank you.
SPEAKER_03For the way that if even if the way even in the way that you don't try to show it, you still show it.
SPEAKER_02So okay, well, that's good to hear. Yeah. I don't think I'd be fucking up sometimes.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, no. It happens. That's supposed to happen. That's life. Um, so Yeah, dating.
SPEAKER_02At this point, oh shit, maybe we should date. Yeah, yeah. But like So tell me about your like a your did we talk about this? Your first relationship. Like I didn't. My first relationship? Yeah. Okay. Maybe dating, like first dating, or like can I because I have two.
SPEAKER_03I have one where it's like this is an online relationship, and then I have my first real relationship in person. And so which one are you talking about for real? Let's do the real one in person. Yeah, because I did mention the last one, the first time. Yeah, we talked about it already. Okay, so the real one in person, um, this dude, uh Patrick. Okay, it was Patrick. Um, he okay, so first things first, I met this dude on Tinder. Okay. And I it was one of the most rare instances where someone super liked me. And I was like, oh my god, someone like really wants this fucking UNA. Nah, nah. But literally, like, I was like, how old was I? I was like, that was like 20, 21. I wasn't uh I wasn't too deep into it, like too deep into like gay stuff. I was just like, oh people are nice. And then he he super liked me on Tinder and we talked for a little bit, and it was a pretty good conversation. And um then we finally met up and spent some time um together. And then oh, looking back at it now, it's like so ridiculous. I think. So this guy, Patrick, he was asexual. Okay. And I didn't mind that because I don't really give too much of a fuck for for sex. Like not too often, especially if we haven't even like gotten into a relationship yet. But like one of the first few things that we did was like give head to each other in the car.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03And it was like, you know, we're getting we're getting something out of it. It was nice to spend time with you in a car, you know, you know, that's the thing. By the way, Patrick had a big penis, it was great. Oh put it out there. Let's pack it. No, I'm kidding. I didn't I didn't take that shit, but um, regardless of the case, met him on Tinder, super liked, and we spent the first few moments that we spent with each other, first few dates that we went on, quotations was like he giving giving car head. And it was like, you know, that's just like I guess he expected that to be the thing that I would want to like have sex stuff in car. And then from then on, there we dated for about a year, and uh with with that, a lot of instances before I guess I wasn't thinking too hard on things. It was like literally my first relationship, so I will say I was very imperfect. I very much did things where it's like, you know, uh, you probably shouldn't be doing it if you want a lasting relationship. But I I certainly did, I did go into it with a good heart. And I think one of the things I hadn't I hadn't realized was like just how much he cared about me, I guess. Because I kept thinking it was like all the way up here and all this jazz like, oh, he cares about me so much on all that crap. And then it's just like one day at work, I had like said something, and I was like, oh, hey, you know, it was very casual. I think we should talk. There's sometimes I feel some types of a type of way about the way you talk to me or whatever. And it was like, yeah, we can talk about this after I can I can talk to you about this after I get off work. And then I talked to him, and the conversation does not go at all in any direction of like productivity. It's not it's not a productive conversation, is what I mean to say. Because it was just like the conversation wasn't about whatever we were talking about. It was he was trying to very much segue it into a breakup. And like all these things, all I would tell him all these things I was insecure about before and all this throughout our time dating or whatever, our year had passed. And he brought all this stuff up again and was like, this is the reason why you know we aren't really together, or we aren't really a good fit for each other, that sort of thing. And I was just like, those are things that can change, these are these are things that don't have to be real. But at the time, I was very people pleasy, so it was just like I was like, Oh, okay, well, I mean, I guess if that that bothers you that much. And then he like officially that night broke up with me, and I very much was I very much did not know how I felt, but the next day I could not think of anything else other than just like, yo, I do not, I do not want to be around anybody. I don't, I don't want to, I need I just need to be away from everything because everything I was feeling was just so bad. And I will say this is one of those, one of those times where I feel like if I had paid more attention to how he felt, and if we were on this similar level of whatnot, then things uh mental level, I guess, things probably could have been better. Right. But maybe it was because I wasn't a very attentive boyfriend, and that's why things went the way that they did. But I also think like as strongly as I felt in those first few moments, I I can't say I feel anything afterwards. Like there are relationships I've had now where I still feel something, I still feel something strong and something powerful about it. But with that one, it just kind of like it was just like I went through the motions and then broke up with somebody, and then it I don't feel anything at all.
SPEAKER_02As you were talking, it reminded me of my first relationship. Oh my god. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You were gay.
SPEAKER_02Sorry, I had to on the whole fucking podcast. Um, like my first relationship, um, we're gonna call him Stitch. He didn't look like Stitch. There's nothing that reminded me of him and Stitch together. You got blue skin. He didn't have blue skin, he had big ass eyes, he didn't have fucking weird ass ears.
SPEAKER_03Purple ears?
SPEAKER_02Nope. Blue. Oh well, they might have been purple. It's purple in the inside? Okay. Anyway. So nothing really reminded him of Stitch, but that was his name that's popped in my head, so I'm just calling him Stitch. Okay. So with Stitch, we met, I think it was on Taimi.
SPEAKER_03No one called it that. We say Tammy. They said that in the advertisements. What do you think? They say Tammy. Really? Yes. I get those shits because I just be on anything. And so obviously, I would hear it. Where have you heard someone call it Tammy? I don't know, but it's it's spelled, isn't it spelled TM? Fuck how it's now.
SPEAKER_02All right. You not on Tiami or Tiami or whatever. Stop it. You know it pretty much. I think that's why I met him. Doesn't matter. I think it does matter because I'm trying to figure out how I even met this nigga. I think it was, I think it was Saimi or whatever. Okay. So we ended up getting into relationship. I was in college. It was probably my it was right before the pandemic. Um yeah, because it was like from like February to like May. Oh 2019, probably.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god, you told me about that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so it was my sophomore year. Yeah. I think it was right before, yeah, it was right before. Was that my freshman year? These are the specifics we need to focus on. Yeah, it is my it was my freshman year. It was my first year because it was it was February to March. It was my freshman year. So, or February to May. It was it was my first year being into the summer. Fuck. Okay, so we met and we he he lived, it was like long distance because he lived like an hour and a half away at his college. I can say the college we went to. Oh, yeah. It was like an hour and it was a little bit of a ways away. And so I uh he would come like sometime on the weekends. I would go over there. Like I probably saw him in person maybe once a month. You can call it, you can count him on your hand, or yeah, I can count him on my hand that because we were only together for three months. So I only would I could I can count on my hand how many times we interacted with each other in person. But like we would call all the time, we would text, um, and I guess I appreciated it because I was like, well, you're my boyfriend. So Oh, you guys were in it, like for real.
SPEAKER_03Oh, this is your first relationship.
SPEAKER_02Listening, here's the thing.
SPEAKER_03Here's the thing, here's the thing. Okay.
SPEAKER_02I don't have any excuses. Okay, right. Right, exactly. So it was it was interesting because he was my first boyfriend. Like, he I remember it was a cute little thing he did. He sung a song for me, and I I put it on my phone. I probably saw it on my phone if I scroll through all the damn like voicemos.
SPEAKER_03Was it like your ringtone or something?
SPEAKER_02No, it was I didn't oh that's no, that's weird. I didn't do that. That's weird. I did keep it though for a long time. It's probably still on my phone. Like, if I scroll down to like February 2019, it probably would still be on my phone as one of my first voice messages that I had on my phone. Oh, that's cute. Um, and he was just he was a cute guy. Like I was really attached to him. He was cute. Um yeah, and I thought it was going good. And I think because we weren't like in it in each other's face every day, like I didn't get the all right, I'm tired of you, so you must meet my fucking space. I didn't get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That feeling. I didn't get that feeling because we were always we were away from each other, we were just texting and calling, whatever. And we had school, we both had school, we were both in school, so we had school to worry about. I don't know how to say fucking school. We had school to worry about, and so it was I I thought it was a good relationship. Um, I think we could have got closer in the time that we were, yeah. Because we were long distance. I wish we were a little bit closer, but that's just what it is. So because it was so short, I didn't feel like I learned anything from it. I think I learned to be a little bit more honest about my feelings because in the moment, because what ended up happening was he was like, Oh, my parents are getting a divorce. So I don't think I'm gonna be able to hang out with you anymore or whatever or date anymore.
SPEAKER_03What were they gonna like split up and be like across the country or something?
SPEAKER_02I see I didn't even ask that. I didn't ask none of those questions. I just I just said okay. Oh, you did the classic tray moves. Yeah, probably, and it was probably a dick ass move to do because he was probably looking for me to express like how I was actually feeling about the relationship, and he just got okay. Looking huh?
SPEAKER_03That does suck, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Right, and looking back, I guess I could have expressed more. I would have been like, well, this might be selfish, but like, well, what does that gotta do with us? What is what is your parents? That's a good question, though. What is your what is your parents getting a divorce have to do with us? Like when you want someone to be there for you in this time, I yeah, literally like as you're going through this, like and I wouldn't it be good to have your boyfriend go through it with you. So I just we left and I just we separated. We just didn't we broke we broke up.
SPEAKER_03That was just how things ended, yeah.
SPEAKER_02And we just never reconnected. But here's the thing I've I've seen him a couple of times in Charlotte. Oh not like I didn't speak to them. Yeah, I know. I'm I'm saying pass her by. Right, and I because I didn't I didn't think to come up to him. He probably saw me, I probably saw him. I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. Um Wow Thinking back now, maybe the next time I do, because now we're having this conversation, like I don't know, just coming back in my like you're like working, whatever, working whatever, not memory, but I might speak to him and say, like, hey, so like what up, but like I said, now it's just like damn, it's been like fucking seven years almost. No, now it has been seven years. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03But here's the thing, here's the thing. Well, two things on that. One, it's like what would you get out of reconnecting? What would you what would that do? Like it would solve, it would give you answers, it will give you like the the type of thing you need, but it's like I know I would do it. That's all I know. I know for a fact I would just because I don't really time heals things, time makes people different. And so it's just like that would be enough time to where somebody has changed, somebody would want to do this sort of thing where they won't reconnect with somebody from their past or whatever. But at the same time, I'm like wondering, like, damn, what would that achieve?
SPEAKER_02Um I don't know, like I think he popped my cherry. I'm sorry, he popped my relationship cherry.
SPEAKER_03Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02So I think because of that, like I'm thinking, like, well, maybe I'm still harboring these, maybe I still have these feelings for him that I want to express. Like I said, that's another thing too. Like, I'm not the best at expressing my feelings. But you've gotten better now. I'm gotten better, kinda. Um compare comparatively, yeah, I have gotten better. But I think just maybe just to be able to express my feelings would be a good thing. I might not, but maybe I need to write him a fucking letter or something and just burn a letter or something. That might be better to how I get the feelings out. So I'm not holding on to them.
SPEAKER_03That's a very interesting idea, by the way, just by itself. You just throw through that out there, the idea of burning a letter right after writing one.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Um so that's I think that's what I would want to gain from it. Just being able to express how I felt about the situation and just see like, well, what happened, what happened, and what could we have I guess going back to shoulda coulda woulda, like what could it have been if I did express my feelings to you in that moment? Because like in the moment I didn't I didn't think I felt anything, and then I got off the phone, I was like, hmm, maybe I should have said something. I don't know. And I just You just never acted on that thought. I didn't. The next day, I just I guess because I was busy with no, I think it was the summer, I was busy with whatever summer things, I just didn't give back to him. And I remember talking to my friend about it, my friend that I met, and I friend that I hung out with in Atlanta that we went to school with. I remember like crying to her, not crying, but I was like, I think it was emotional, I think I was crying about it to her because I was like, I just didn't make it make any sense to me. And I guess maybe I should have expressed these feelings to him, and it would have been, it would have been a little bit different. My life would have been a little bit different.
SPEAKER_03Maybe, maybe. Either that or well, truth be told, a bit a bit of an error on his part is also, well, it's just thinking about like someone just says that, and then like nothing in you just brings it out to where you're like, why was that all you said to me? What's up? You know, it's just in the same way. I'm thinking about the situation, it's just like, dang, you know, in the same way things you could have you could have done different different things, he could have done different things, and it's just like there's never in any situation blame doesn't solve anything more than just like makes you think oh god memories flooding back. But seriously, though, it's just like the stuff happens and and relationships like that do bring something that you may not be aware of. Like my my first relationship that I just told you about, it might have contributed to a lot of the ways that I like interact with people now in ways I didn't really suspect. Like it has traumatized I don't want to say that so clearly and loudly, but it has traumatized me to a point I didn't even notice until like maybe like maybe a year ago, maybe a year or two ago, where I was like, holy crap, this guy did this to me, and this like broke me in so many different ways I didn't even notice. And so it's just like maybe the lesson that you have to learn from that hasn't come up yet, but it could. Or maybe you've already learned your lesson. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02I think it's like I said, to express my feelings a little bit more. Yeah, that was the thing, um, and be a little bit more honest. I'm still struggle with that because I don't I think because I feel like I'm gonna start talking about my parents, but I feel like they aren't rewarded for their honesty with each other. I think sometimes they're like, I I don't want to do something because I don't want to hear your mouth and I don't want to hear your feelings about it. And it's it's it's it's just my outside perspective looking in, like they could have a completely different relationship than what I think and imagine, because that's just a snapshot. What I just said was just a snapshot of like my what actually could be happening, and but that's what I've taken from. And have I expressed it to them? No. Should I? Maybe, so I can actually come to like to know them a little bit more and deeper. Yeah, listen to the podcast, right? Um yeah, like I just I have a hard time expressing my feelings in general. Yeah, and it could be because of my parents, it could be just how I grew up, could be uh the fact that I am black and gay and I have a hard time just trying to relate. Like I have a hard time finding people that who would relate to my experience. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um if you even need that for real.
SPEAKER_02Right. And maybe I just need someone to listen.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So uh like I said, I think it's it's it's we we started this podcast at a good time. We did. Bitch ass talking about, oh, let's do it in let's do it in the summer. Let's do it in the summer.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so I was my ass was thinking like art reasons. I'm like, fuck, I don't have all these rush sponsors. Deadlines, oh fuck off with your deadlines. Okay. You're lucky you're asking anything. No, let me not. Let me not. I'm a charge now. Who's to charge now? You thought he had a choice, but nah. Um, but literally, okay. We have lost the big.
SPEAKER_02Like I said, I think we started this podcast at a very, very, very good time.
SPEAKER_03I'm I'm really glad to hear that. And I'm glad it's helping you in the same way it is helping me. And could be helping anybody else. I will say, um, there are a couple of other instances uh for sure. I'm I'm certainly realizing with gay dating that um there can sometimes be a bit of like because of like we never really get that satisfaction and that like from an early age to like now, to where it's like, okay, delusion exists. We get deluded by the thoughts and ideas of things. That's fun with any relationship, really, with anybody straight or gay or any other sexuality, that you kind of like think these things and think that these things mean anything, and it could not mean anything at all. And I've ran into a lot of instances where um I understood I wasn't emotionally ready for anything at that point, especially after that first relationship, where I understood that, oh crap, I need to be emotionally ready for a relationship before I can do anything else. And there have been instances where someone was like obsessed with me or or like thought of me in a higher or higher manner than I would. And it was just like, oh, dang, that kind of feels weird. And because I was very much a unf I still am a people pleaser, it kind of led to worse things. And uh there's like a lot of like aspects to gating where it kind of leads into like someone being unsatisfied because of someone not giving enough energy, or or maybe it's because they don't really understand what they want, or anything like that. Like, like how you were talking about um Odyssey earlier, it was a thing of just like, you know, I am showing a lot of I'm showing a lot of affection, a lot of a lot of effort, all that jazz and whatnot. And it's like it could be seen as this really high, high thing, and it kinda kinda is, I could say. Like it is a lot for a person like that, but it's just like where was I going with that? Where was I going with that? No, why would you do this to me? Who's going somewhere with that? Regardless of the case. Which could be delusion from again any sexuality. Right, right, right, right, right.
SPEAKER_02I think it goes back to having the conversation. Having the conversation uh about your feelings. Like, where are you at in your feelings? Bitch, if you think you haven't married this person and the nigga don't care about you, you need to communicate, like, you know what, I really love you, I'm really into you. And that would be the opportunity for him to say, like, oh, you know what, I I don't think I'm into you like that as well. It's the same. Here's so I think it goes back to the communication.
SPEAKER_03Here's the thing. Every instance I have properly discussed and told these people, hey, I don't think I'm interested in this way. And I've gone back on my own word because I'm like, things could change, things could be different, and then it becomes an issue because of that. And it's like after so long of me understandably saying, you know, no, I'm not interested in this, no one's interested in this, we can still be friends, no, I'm not interested in this. It becomes a thing of just like is it, is it it's a pro it's a problem for two reasons because it keeps coming up, it keeps being a thing where someone's actively trying to get you to be in this relationship. But in the same regard, for me, it's like someone continuously keeps showing me all this affection, all this love in this other way that isn't even like you know, physical or anything. It's just like they want to be close to me. And I'm like, should I keep them from that? Should I keep them from that happiness? And I and I put myself in a position where it's like, I feel like I'm making this person unhappy, and then I become a very people-pleaser sort of person, and it's just like that leads to something, and then I understandably am not into a relationship at all, and then it becomes a bigger issue where I've now hurt someone's entire emotions because I've let myself I've let myself be deluded myself about how they feel. And so it keeps coming back to this idea of just like someone being interested and continuously Kind of pursuing that, even though consistently it shows up where it's like, no, yeah. I've had those conversations multiple times with people, and I keep thinking, like, you know, that's true, that's real, and then I go back on my own word. That's basically the TLDR of what I just said. I wish that didn't happen, and I I and I I I very much am going to encourage myself not to do that more often more often than not, just try and see. Because sometimes I I see that I also want to be in a relationship. I'm just noticing I don't I don't want to be in I don't want to I don't want to be in a relationship with that person. And then people don't like hearing that as much as they might let on because you could talk to somebody about something and tell them that you're not interested, and then they it kind of still comes back, and it's just like I don't know if you're listening, but damn, that was a lot.
SPEAKER_02I'm sorry. Um a couple things came to mind when you were talking, but I think a big thing that came into my mind was like you're saying you're not ready for a relationship. In some senses, yeah. Okay. How do you know that about yourself? Because I haven't really been in that many relationships. I can count on, like I say, count on my hand. But I would say I'm open to a relationship. I don't know if I'm particularly ready, but I'm open to one to see where it goes. But you're saying in some sense, you're not ready. How do you know that?
SPEAKER_03So I I know for a fact how I would want my partner to treat me. So I would want to make sure that I treat my partner with that same type of energy. And I feel as though, in a lot of ways, where I'm distracted by my own things, I'm not emotionally ready to provide that, to be that rock for that person because I can barely be that rock for myself. And I'm still working on that part of myself where it's just like, okay, I do not want to put someone else in a in a situation where they are straining themselves to try to be with me to any degree. I want the person that I, the partner that I that I get with. I want that to be as happy of an experience for them as possible. I I want to make sure that I sh I can show up for them in as much as I can. And I would want my partner to my partner to be the same. And so it's just like, okay, if I can't do that, if I can't have that type of structure for myself right now, then I need to work on that, and then I feel like I'll be ready to pursue that, to go after that and be prepared to be with somebody.
SPEAKER_02That's very interesting. Yeah. That's very interesting. Very interesting. I never would. I don't I don't know why because I'm a little chilly. Were you cold? Is that why you shivered right there? I never thought about that. I think because I'm thinking about what I want and what I desire. I'm not thinking about, well, I'm also gonna be have the opportunity to give somebody what they want and be cognizant and aware of what aware of what they want as well.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's like an that's a really important part. Like you you you'd want to be the piece that they can come back to. That's like just like that first those first few months, no matter what you really do, I will I don't know, I don't want to say that, but in in a in a general sense, like those first few months where you're getting to know somebody are are are majestic and and and feel wonderful for a reason. It's because it's just like, hey, I I wanted to be with you, I get the I get to do that now, and I and I just get to express that. And afterwards, it's just like you get used to it, and then life comes up and life is just there now, and then it's just like, okay, how can I continue to still make you feel not the same as a honeymoon phase, but just like how can I still give you that same peace that I used to give you without even trying before? That sort of thing.
SPEAKER_02I think and like I said, I'm not a relationship expert, but I think it's gonna take work. Yeah, it does take it's gonna take the the work of both parties willing to compromise and make adjustments for the relationship for the for the betterment of the relationship. Right. Um that's that's what I think. I think that that it's gonna take work. Um but I think that a lot of TV shows and movies, especially with gay relationships on TV, like fucking, you know what I'm talking about. He did rivalry.
SPEAKER_03Oh my gosh, don't even have you heard of heated rivalry? I have heard of heated rivalry, yes.
SPEAKER_02Right, and it's like that.
SPEAKER_03Have you watched that? Yeah, you've actually watched it all the way through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god. I I kind of want to hear about it. Because I've I've seen the first episode, and I got through the second episode, I think. My friend, he did not give two fucks about the show. He he was watching it with me. We were it was Valentine's Day or whatever, he was he was watching it with me, and he did not give a fuck because it was like he to him, it was like so so like uninteresting. To me, it was like, oh, this is actual softcore porn.
SPEAKER_02I mean, that's the show has yeah, they be fucking a lot. Yes, they'd be fucking a lot. But apparently those scenes are required because they show off story or something. They be fucking a lot, but my thing is I think they sometimes show the messy parts, they do show the messy parts of the relationship because they really can't be together because they're not out, which is that's the whole thing. That's the whole basic though, to my opinion. But it's like they it's a lot of fucking going on. You see the the the not the spectacle, but the the woman's gold satisfaction. Like, oh, they're fucking all the time. Like they well, I guess in the show, it looks like it's a lot more back to back because like literally there's probably a sex scene every episode, I'm sure.
SPEAKER_03It could be like separate by months or something like that.
SPEAKER_02But they are separated by months. But they feel like that because of just how the show runs. But you just see the you don't see the longing and the yearning, you just see them fucking all the time. And like I said, it's more to it than that. I think there's more storyline to it than that. But I I'm excited to see what season two is gonna bring because Oh, they already greenlit for season two. I think so, yeah. Because a lot of people watched it, probably. It was on it went viral on TikTok.
SPEAKER_03Was popular, yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so I'm hoping I I like the little bit of story that they did have. I would like to see more. Okay, okay, really. But going back to gay dating, I think just everybody wants that. A lot of gays want sex, like myself included. But a relationship is not just it shouldn't just build, it shouldn't just be built on sex. Yeah. You should just want to genuinely want to be around the person, and sex should just be a bonus. Yeah. Not the whole relationship.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. And I don't know exactly like how people are really thinking about things when they're like with the gay with the gay stuff, but like literally how how gay men or queer men are really thinking when they're like doing things. Because it's just like is is there are there enough people like pursuing a relationship or are people like unfamiliar with with what they want? How do you know what you want really? And like I don't I just don't know what the deal is. Why is dating so hard right now? Why aren't we trying to pursue anything deeper? Why is everyone always yearning, but no one actually goes for it? Because it's just like all I see is like a lot of people who want these things, who want these these relationships, but it's just like I haven't really seen a lot of people who who who pursue it properly, who who know I can't think of the words, but it's just like I don't I don't know where this yearning is coming from, and wondering just like is it possible that is it possible for a gay person of this day and age to like be happy in a relationship or anything like that? Like how because uh famously apparently gay relationships are really short, like like three, three, four months, apparently. Right. Um not to you, by the way. That was a specific number. I'm sorry, that was not a jab. That was not a jab. I may be Johnny Jeppers, but I'm not that was not a jab. Um, but no. I was just thinking, just like, God, who is pursuing an actual relationship and why isn't it happening a lot?
SPEAKER_02I don't know the answer. I know you don't know the answer. Fuck. I'm like, who the fuck knows? I think these conversations like I think we should save for another episode.
SPEAKER_03The new TikTok.
SPEAKER_02Right, but I think it's just I think we can probably do a part two to this episode. Part two to this one.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Actually, this one's real. How do you guys feel about that? Or a bonus. Yeah. Oh, a bonus. Oh, for the YouTube channel.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. That will be happening, guys. But this is a good conversation.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.
SPEAKER_02That need to be had. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, for sure. Is it time?
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_03Oh, it's time. Oh, that's why you were saying part two. Okay, I was like, we're supposed to be really into the up.
SPEAKER_02But I do think this we can go a little bit deeper. Like, I've we'll probably go more when we talk about the the apps. We'll probably go more into like on that. For sure. On that note. Um we could make it the next the next episode if we maybe, yeah. Yeah, because we need to switch things around, yeah. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah. All right then. Um yeah, so like you said, support us uh on our coffee, our Kofi, K-O. K-O, I think it's not say a long thing. It's K-O-F-I. Yeah. K-O, let me see, let me see. Let me see. Tayyami. K yeah, K-O-F-I.com slash Q U A C K A F. Whack A F. That's to tip us, guys. Yep, that's our tips. So thank you again for all y'all that are listening to us. Thank you for supporting us. We appreciate it. And if you want to see more of us, like I said, rate us, comment, leave us comments. Find our Instagram, find our TikTok. Comments. Leave us comments. If you want to see more, um, we appreciate it.
SPEAKER_03For sure. And don't forget, stay quack. Motherfuckers, quack.
SPEAKER_02All right, stay quack. All right, stay quacking up, oh stay powerful.
SPEAKER_03Get ready for part two next week, y'all. Bye. Maybe. No problem.
SPEAKER_02I don't think we should I don't think we shouldn't. We might do that. We might not. We might not. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I don't know what y'all gonna expect it, and then it doesn't come. Okay, okay. Don't expect anything. Right. Yeah. Be surprised when we surprise.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I might start my dildo next time.
SPEAKER_02Okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I don't think we're talking about the sex toys. We're gonna talk episode right there. That's a poppy, that's a quack right there. I'm gonna prepare my hole for that one. Okay. All right, guys.
SPEAKER_01You're listening to Q and C A Radio. Yeah.
