Writer Wander 019 - Adversity and Resilience

Another Miserable Day for Wander...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Rider Wander nineteen. I'm not sure what I'm gonna title this one yet, but it'll have to do something with adversity. So to give some added context, I'm recording this episode at uh 11 p.m. at night, and I'm usually the kind of I'm usually asleep at this hour. I'm usually asleep. But it is the same day in which I recorded Rider Wanda 18, which is when I started writing, and I began the day with like a lot of energy, very motivated. However, today as as the day passed, I I received news that tomorrow, um, you know, without putting in too much detail, I'd be going through a situation that makes me deeply uncomfortable, and that makes me feel very very weak and powerless and reinforces very strong negative emotions in me. And uh it's nothing it's nothing horrible, it's nothing no one's died or or anything. And in fact, part of what you know part of the the issue with this is that uh you know if I just told this to anyone, uh it'd be laughable, it'd seem pathetic. But to me, to me it's very important, and I think it's a type of suffering that um only I might be able to to grasp at, but due to the nature of the circumstances, I can't evade the situation. Um, and I'll just I just have to power power through it. But naturally it's got me it's got me anxious, not just because of the situation, but because of the fact that you know I just started this novel, and you know, putting things into context, right, you know the whole conceit of this podcast is that a writer is someone who engages in his work within a particular life context, with particular situations emerging, occurring, problems presenting themselves, both internal and external, and he has to find a way to navigate through all of that, and you know, it's way too early to make a call like this, but a part of me is concerned that you know when I when I go through very strong emotional distress like this, it it gets in the way of the product, it gets in the way of the of the project, of the of the art. And I'm not the kind of person who can usually power his way through pain and uh use it to to motivate what I'm writing. I, you know, I I very much agree with David Lynch. I think I've said it before, but I'll say it again. David Lynch is someone who is a famous director, he's gone now, and he made a lot of great movies. And he he is very much against the idea of the starving and depressed artist. He he very much believes that to make good art you need to be in a happy state of mind or at least a peaceful state of mind. And I also agree with him on that. I I don't I would not have started my book if I had uh my book earlier this morning, I would not have started drafting if I had known that what I would have to deal with on the you know this the next the following day was something like this, right? Because uh, you know, I just don't like the idea of having my my rhythm disrupted so early into the process, and uh, you know, I'm hoping that I'm able to have the willpower, the strength, and the willingness to proceed writing as as normal because I I'm really liking what little I've I've written on this book so far, and I I really believe in this story, and I don't I don't want external circumstances to you know to be putting me down, to be making me feel a certain way that that de demotivates me from continuing to write. But it's very it's very difficult. It's very difficult. I'm not a I hinted at the fact very early on on this podcast that I am in a a a phase in my life where I have to make important choices. And I've made a lot of those choices uh this year, and as a result of that there are how do I put it? There are certain certain things that certain ideas, certain notions that that used to give me hope in my life, that used to make me look forward, you know, certain plans I had, certain certain notions of the kind of life that I would lead that have had to be revised, that had to be altered and and questioned because I'm not quite sure how feasible those things that I wanted to do were. Not quite sure if I'm even going to accomplish those things. And it's required a reorientation of the the things that uh that motivate me, you know. It's requiring me to to question and to ask myself what what really motivates me and what are what is something new that I can redirect this this lost energy toward. And uh you know, I in a very it is it is over dramatic in a sense. It's not the end of the world, uh, I'll still be around after tomorrow. But I right now, at this specific moment, as I'm in my in my dark room staring at the ceiling. And right now I'm the only one on earth who who's actively thinking about this. I I just I feel very much alone I feel very much alone and a lot of writing in general is is is like that, right? That was the conceit of the show. You know the first bad episode on this show, it was bad I think it was bad because I was sick or something. That's the title. But that wasn't really a bad day. You know what what's really what's really a bad day What's really a bad day is uh you know a day like this and and tomorrow just the mental anxiety that will be on me, the expectation and just the the thoughts that will be swirling in my head. I'm a very neurotic person and I have a bad I have a bad habit of you know entertaining thoughts that that cause me pain for some reason This uh kind of turmoil is just it's unique in a way and uh as an artist if I want to paint an authentic picture of of what it looks like to just to go through with the writing process regardless I have to record these moments, and that's always the kind of thing I I tell myself when I you know when I go through something like this. I have to I have to put this down. There's no there's no other option, simply put. This has to be cataloged somehow and in some in some way because this is a part of that process. And maybe there are people listening to this that are in their own long-term creative endeavors, and they're struck with the vicissitudes and the the roller coaster that is their life, they're they're met with things, and they they pause and they they can't keep up because of the thing that hits them. And by all accounts, I'm very fortunate in that what has stricken me is not is not important. By all accounts, again, I'm I'm privileged. The people there are people out there who have to deal with this process that in and of itself is already very lonely by its nature. They have to deal with it through the death of a pet, of a friend, of a family member, through sicknesses, through traumas, and you know, comparatively, you know, this thing, you know, it's so it's so silly, it would even embarrass me to mention what it is. So I'm I'm not gonna say it, but it is something that for me it it does, it does cause me a lot of pause, and I think I'm I'm gonna be if things pan out the way I'm thinking it's gonna happen, I think I'm gonna be very hurt tomorrow. But we don't have a lot of choice in the circumstances we we are put in. Art has to be made through a process of resilience, of overcoming adversity, regardless of the things that that presents that present themselves to you. I don't just do things when I feel like them. Even though I'd I'd rather I'd rather always feel like doing them. But some days I'd rather be more creative than others. Other days, like tomorrow, are days where I do just want to curl up and do anything except be stuck in my own my own thoughts. I'm gonna try to get an early morning session out so that at the very least I can I can write before I have to deal with the things I'm gonna have to deal with in the in the afternoon, and hope that won't affect me. But I I'm still concerned because knowing myself, I know that there will be a mental aftermath in which again I I continue to just just repeat everything in in my own head to cause myself so much pain and so much suffering. And you just gotta pull through, man. You just uh you just gotta pull through. You know, moments like this, there are there are brighter days. I remember a very good scene in the Lord of the Rings book. I'm not sure if it made it into the movies, I don't think it did. But uh as Sam and Frodo, as they're you know, they're venturing into into Mordor, which is the land of evil, they have this moment where they're we're traveling and it's nighttime, and Sam, I think, looks up at the sky and he sees this beautiful star, and this thought comes to him that he's filled with a strange hope, where even if the whole world comes to nothing, the fact that there is that beautiful star in the sky, and that star will not be displaced, even if the dark lord wins, and it will have some sort of continuity regardless of whatever happens, that gives him hope. And that's the strange hope I have with just the truth that there will be there are better days ahead of me. The the best days of my of my own life are are ahead of me. And I can't I can't allow myself to to believe otherwise. The best days of my own life are are ahead of me. And even if the things many of the things I I I don't want, many of the things that I do want have not come to fruition this is still a good thing fundamentally And uh I hope I'm able to take comfort in in the stories I can tell. I hope that it's not a source of anxiety tomorrow when I have to start to start writing. I hope that I can I can just do things and it does it it does feel much better now that uh I'm able to share with someone at least. This is the importance of this podcast of bringing these intimate moments of weakness that no one sees, giving them a face, giving them an identity because they they happened and they mark us in ways that we might not perceive. But uh this was Rider Wander 19. Rider Wander signing out. Keep wandering. Rider Wander back. I'm actually gonna continue episode 19. This is the next day, like literally right after it, and I was debating whether this should be its own episode or not, but you know, I feel that considering the nature of episode 19, this is worth appending at the end of that episode because it is the continuation. So the great thing that had me anxious, the thing that had me concerned that had me worried, it did not happen. In fact, it was rooted in a misunderstanding of a situation. And while the thing that does concern me is likely to happen at some point in the future, near future, it did not happen today. But the main subject right now is not so much the thing itself or even like my well, it will be my reaction to it. That you know, the main question is my reaction to the thing, and how I'm happy that despite everything, I wrote. That has proven quite interesting in different ways, and I'm very happy that things worked out this way, and it just goes to show sometimes you have to you have to pull through, things will come up, your life will go topsy-turvy. There are plenty of distractions, you know. Most people in this world never write novels, most people don't want to write a novel, but most people who do write want to write a novel, they never get around to it. And oftentimes there's some excuse, there's always something that could go wrong. But oftentimes it's a question of how much do you really do you really want this thing? How much do you enjoy this act of of writing? And you know, in spite of everything, I I went ahead with it. I acted on it, and I I put it to work, and you know, I'm happy to say that I as I'm recording here, I successfully wrote this morning, and you know, depending on how things go for the rest of the day, I might even have another session later on because I'm really fired up. No, I'm not too sure about that because there's there's other things I have to attend to, but it's it's an option. It's an option. But like I said, I'm I'm very happy. Very happy with the way that things that things have gone, and I will be making an effort to keep things going that way. Rider Wander.