Living a Double Life: Who are you when no one is watching? With Los

In this episode, we dive into the reality of living a double life—the versions of ourselves we show the world versus who we truly are behind closed doors.

Joined by Los, an entrepreneur and creative who stands on faith and growth, we unpack the pressure to perform, the fear of judgment, and the struggle to fully embrace your authentic self.

This conversation explores identity, insecurity, and what it really takes to break free from the “cuffs” of fear and step into who you’re meant to be.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to shrink, hide, or become someone else just to be accepted… this episode is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:08

What's up y'all? Welcome back to Bunt Talk Podcast. I'm your host Raya and you need to follow me right now on all socials, Instagram, TikTok, subscribe to the YouTube channel because we are in it and we're consistent this year. We are not giving up. So make sure y'all just stay locked in. Everything will be linked in the description. But before we get into that, I need to introduce my guest in today's topic. How many versions of yourself exist and which one is actually you? Some people aren't fake. They're just afraid to be real in the wrong rooms. What if the life you actually want is sitting behind the version of you that you perform every day? Today's conversation is about identity, perception, and the different versions of ourselves we show the world. And I've got a guest who from the outside looks like he's locked in. Entrepreneur, creative, and faith-driven. But today we're going beyond the surface. I want to understand who he is when the camera and the pressure is off. Los, welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

What's going on? What's going on?

SPEAKER_02 0:54

What up, what up, Los. I'm happy that you're here. And can you let's let them know where they can follow you and subscribe to your channel first and foremost?

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Okay, okay. It's your boy Los. You can follow me on Instagram at I am Los M. I am Los M on all platforms. That's my Instagram, my TikTok, all that. Feel me?

SPEAKER_02 1:09

That's what's up. It makes you guys show him some support and some love. You know, I love a fellow YouTuber. If y'all know, I used to be a YouTuber back in the day, so I love supporting content creators because I know how hard it gets out here. Okay. It's hard out here. But before we get into everything, for the people who are just getting introduced to you, like who is Lows in your own words?

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Um, I would say, in my own words, just a college student who's a content creator who just does what he does. I'm a I'm an athlete in some shape or form. Some people might see me as an athlete. Some people might see me as a content creator. Some people might just see me as a guy who just goes to the gym or just a college student.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

I mean, I would I would look at you as like a fashion guy too. Yeah. Because I be seeing your little pictures on IG now.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Like I be seeing me putting that shit on, yeah. I have my moments. I have my moments. I try not to gas it because it's just like I think it's just a way for me to express myself and to let people know that I'm here for it. I want to express myself in in a shape or form where I can also show the people that you can do this too. Not because you're only in college that you can't really portray yourself in a certain matter.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Yeah, some people be trying to be like too uppity or like too, what's that word, like classy? Like they want to like fit the role, like fit the part. Like basically what we're talking about today. Exactly. You feel me? So I like that you're you're authentically yourself. That's dope.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

Of course, always.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Okay. So you describe yourself as an entrepreneur, content creator. So someone who stands on faith. What does that actually look like in your day-to-day life? Like, how does your day-to-day look?

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Um, as of recently, I'm gonna keep it a bean. I've been going through a lot, so it's it's been it's been hard. I got some family issues going on right now. But that's still that's it's all good. Uh it's not stopping me from putting the content out and just getting my face out there and just really connecting with people, especially how I met.

unknown 3:06

You know?

SPEAKER_02 3:06

Yeah, we met at the Pug and Play Mixer in uh Waterbury, so that was a dope experience. I got to meet a lot of cool people, like genuine people, so that was a dope experience.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Yeah, I didn't really get to connect myself with a lot of people at the event. Um, because I just it was a new setting for me, so I didn't want to feel like I was doing too much. I didn't want to like bombard myself. It was very crowded, so I was just like I just try to keep it cute, keep it calm. So I think prior, the only reason I had one up to you was because I had seen your post from Treasy. Wow prior to that. I was just like, you know what? Let me connect myself with somebody I'd probably be interested in, and you know, here we are now.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

That is dope.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

See, see, that's can't be afraid to talk to people because people probably look at me like, oh, because I do have a resting bitch face, y'all. And it's not even like I'm not a bitch for real, but I promise it'd just be there. So sometimes people be scared to like approach me, but I'm so happy that you did because like you have great energy, and like I said, I like supporting other content creators. Likewise, likewise. Yeah, this was a dope experience, and I'm so happy that we did that. Don't be afraid to say hi to people. Say hi, say hello.

SPEAKER_00 4:05

Always don't never be afraid to say hi to me. For real. We're all just creators, just trying to do our own thing, push our face out there, and just do better for the community.

SPEAKER_02 4:15

You don't know how many opportunities you might walk by by just like being too nervous or too serious, you know? Exactly. Yeah. All right. So where are you from and how did your environment shape who you are today?

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Ooh. That second question is gonna be a hefty one. Oh, so I'm from New York, uh, originally Manhattan, Harlem. Oh me? Nothing too crazy. I got some family in the Bronx, and then um I stayed in Manhattan for roughly, I think it was like 15 or 16 years. Um and then we moved to Queens College Point. We was there for about a year. I had my um what's it called? I think this was right after COVID. I had finished my junior year, and then we moved to Connecticut. And I've been here for like the past three years or so. And I finished my last year of high school at Kennedy High School in Waterbury, and then now I'm at Central.

SPEAKER_02 5:04

You know what I noticed? A lot of people that's from New York, they move to Waterbury. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

I've been told that several times.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

I don't but I don't know a lot of people?

SPEAKER_00 5:12

Uh I know a few people that have moved from New York to Waterbury, but not really much for real.

SPEAKER_02 5:16

That's great. Because I've known like four or five people already that have done. I'm like, is Waterbury where you go? Like, is that where you go when you leave?

SPEAKER_00 5:22

I mean, I've heard people really go to like Bridgeport. Yeah, I've heard that too.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

I've heard that too. I just haven't met them, but I've heard that.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Right, right, right. Um, so how that really impacted me was just like I I realized that the whole change of scenery several times, it really just put me in a state of just like, I guess, survival mode. Um, and not really like staying complacent of where I'm at. I think my mom instilled that into me, like not being complacent of like what you're doing or how you're doing it, the regardless of how much you're making or how much you're producing, because it really impacts who you are. So I would say just keep it pushing, just keep moving, keep growing. Always.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

Wow, that's great advice. Your mom got some good advice because that that's real. Like, some people like they get complacent and they get really like just happy where they are in life. And it's okay to be um, what's the word? Like, you know, like blessed. Like, of course, you have to appreciate your blessings, you know, and stuff like that, and everything you have in the moment, but at the same time, you have to always drive and try to thrive and do better. So I feel like that's great advice. Like, definitely take that. Um, what's something about you that people wouldn't immediately just know from going on your page?

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Um, that's actually a good question.

SPEAKER_02 6:34

Um trying to get to know you.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

Um, some people won't know that I have different I wouldn't say different different streams of income, but I do have different businesses that I'm trying to slowly work on. Um on the side, I'm a jeweler. And um another business that I'm in right now that I'm building with my mom, she was trying to get me into this for like the past two years or so. But I was never really into it because I just really didn't know what it was. After that convention, the ATL changed my whole mind and rewired me to think differently. So, what I do now is I'm a financial wealth educator and I teach people about financial literacy.

SPEAKER_02 7:14

Yes. I love that. See, we need more of that because I just had Rhett on here and he he does something similar, like what he teaches um people about like, you know, investing and getting into retail. So I feel like that's so important, especially in our community, because we don't have a lot of people that look like us that's willing to give us the information. So I feel like it's so important for the younger generation to have people like that look like them and look like you dress fly, you know what I'm saying? You don't look like the the classic, you know, business guy, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 7:40

Blue collar, all that shit stuff.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

So you you're more accessible to them and they they probably will feel more comfortable talking to you or even like opening up to you about their financial struggles, you know what I'm saying? Because I know me, I I'd be like nervous to come to people because people do judge judge you and like they place judgment on you and they expect you to know things that you don't know, you know what I'm saying? So it's good that you do, yeah, it does suck, but I'm proud of you for doing that. That's such a dope um field to be in. Um, what inspired you to start your journey instead of taking a more traditional path? Like a nine to five, you know?

SPEAKER_00 8:09

Um basically, um I'm gonna just put it out there. There's nothing wrong with a nine to five. Nope. Um, but as of right now, I just it's funny you bring that up. I can't I currently just quit my job.

SPEAKER_02 8:22

Hey um not me, not me. Not me happy that he quit.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Yo, but um nah I had I've had several different jobs. I just the last one I had is just it just wasn't the greatest. I'm not gonna put them on blast. I was just a dishwasher and honestly, just not it wasn't what I expected. Yeah, it was a new position. I've I've never been in that field before. Um, but I have restaurant experience, so I know more or less about how the fast-paced environment is.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

Yeah. Um just wasn't for you?

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Yeah, it just wasn't for me. So what I'm doing as of right now, I'm just um staying with my family. Um trying to make sure my mom and my sister is okay, making sure I'm just checking up on them as soon as like as much as possible. And then just staying locked in with like all my businesses and the content creation and just networking, all that extra, all that good stuff. I got a few videos coming out very soon that I'm working on editing, it's definitely coming in the process. Please be patient with me because it's a lot going.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

It really be like that. See, people that's not content creators, they don't know how hard it is. It looks really easy, it looks all this is cool.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

It's so hard, y'all. Yo, but honestly, but you also have to just take things with a grain of salt. And don't be so hard on yourself.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

I wish somebody told me that.

SPEAKER_00 9:44

So I've been so hard on myself. Even like when I do, I feel like when I do like my best work or whatever that I consider my best work, I feel like there's still more to be done. I just have to do this so I can get that.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Yeah. So but I feel like that all just comes with time. Like, and and at the first at first it's gonna seem like, oh, I'm not where I need to be, or I'm not doing this right, whatever, but there's no right way to start. And I and I feel like I that's something I had to tell myself when I started this podcast. Because if you look back to season one, it didn't look like this, okay? It didn't look like this, it wasn't, it wasn't this like, you know, clean cut. I didn't know really where it was going or like how I wanted it to look or anything, but I just had to start because if I would have never started, I wouldn't have a vision of how I wanted it to go, you know what I'm saying? But now I can look back and say, okay, I need to change this, or I don't want to do it this way, you know. So sometimes you have to start editing it one way to realize I don't like the way this this comes out. I want to edit this way, or I want to start a new way of editing, you know what I'm saying? Because I've been seeing people do that too, like come out with new, you know, forms of like editing and just different like aesthetics, you know. So you never know, and you're a fashion guy, so you might end up, you know. I low key think you should take that fashion thing seriously. I go, I low key think you maybe you should like do some more fashion content. I'm gonna I'm a like thrifting vlogs or something like that. Like I can see you doing stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

I haven't really gotten into the thrifting scene. I've really been wanting to, I just haven't really had the chance to yeah. Well, really, where I get my clothes from, I'm not gonna drop none for real. I'm not gonna drop it. You're gatekeeping!

SPEAKER_02 11:10

He's gatekeeping on blood talk, y'all. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_00 11:13

So basically, I'm gonna keep it being like, um, I'm blessed. So what I what I really say is that my parents do help me out a lot when it comes to clothes and stuff. Um, but I do have I do get a few of my own things. Sometimes I go on Depop or Grailed. Um just go thrifting in person. This is never how it never hurts. I'm not gonna lie. You never know what you really could find. I've had some great finds.

SPEAKER_03 11:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

You could go to Savers, Goodwill. Yes. What's uh what's that other one? I forgot what it's called. But they have like a lot of good thrifting stores in um New York for sure.

SPEAKER_02 11:46

Yeah, I heard that. That's why I'm gonna go to New York this week. I'm going to New York um Thursday, so I'm gonna try to stop at some places and like find some clothes, you know, things because I know New York got the fashion for real. New York got the real fashion.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

So the only thing I would say is if you do end up going to like any like of the popular ones, yeah, they're a little big, they you need some cheese. Yeah, they're a little they're a little pricey. That's the only reason that's just like good thing it's payday.

SPEAKER_02 12:11

You know? So what would you say drives you? Like what keeps you going even when things get tough?

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Um, I feel like a lot of things spiral into my mind when things get hard. It's just like I think about my mom, I think about my sister, um, I think about how much I've already done to make it to where I'm already at. And that may sound cliche, but it's like if you was to really know the story, if you used to really know the heart and the grit that I've been through. And you really understand. And I'm not, I don't obviously I don't expect anybody to ever understand what I'm going through because we all got our own battles. But honestly, it's been a lot. Yeah. And I'm just glad I'm still here. I'm blessed to be here, blessed to be where I'm at right now. Um and just putting that word out to people, that letting them know that they could also do it. If I could do it, you could do it.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

Anybody could do it. It just really depends on how bad you want it.

SPEAKER_02 13:09

Yeah. I say that all the time. Like sometimes we you don't realize how far you've come until you look back at where you came from. And I feel like sometimes we're too scared to look back because it is painful, like the things you go through. Like, you know, life is hard. You know, people go through really hard trials and tribulations, but you sometimes do have to look back so you can be grateful for where you are because you you'll probably think there's times I'm looking like, Mariah, why are you you feel I feel like you're in the same place. And then I look back and I'm like, wait, hell no, you ain't. Like, nah, last year you was this way, or three years ago you was this way. So it's like sometimes you really do have to like give yourself a recheck because the mind will play tricks on you for real. Like it in mental health is real. So you have to just remind yourself of how far you came, the work you've done to get here, and just give yourself some grace, like you said earlier. Like, give yourself some grace. It's hard out here.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

You gotta breathe.

SPEAKER_02 13:53

Woo sa for real. Because I gotta tell myself that sometimes because I get so caught up in my head about where I want to be and why I'm not there yet. And then, but I have to just realize like you're still moving forward, like you have yet to go backwards. So that's when you should start worrying when you're going backwards. But as long as you keep getting up every day and putting your all into what you do, you're gonna get there, you know? Just on your own timeline, on God's timeline. You know what I'm saying? So that's real, like swear. All right. Um, speaking of that, I see you mentioned fear God in your Instagram. So, how does your faith play a role in your decisions and your lifestyle?

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Um, what I've been doing as of recently, I have done a lot of uh self-reflection, a lot of character development um with the people around me, what I do, how I carry myself. So I've learned to as of recently become to not become as performative as most people portray themselves to be. Um, and that ties back into that question that you had asked initially, yeah. Of like putting it up that front, yeah, of oh, I'm gonna be this person in front of the camera, I'm gonna be that person, or behind the scenes, I'm not this person for real, for real. Nah, it's just like just be you.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Just be you for real, for real. It don't hurt. Like, honestly, people may not like it, but why care if people like it? It's you.

SPEAKER_03 15:14

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 15:15

And it's easier to be yourself. Like, it's too hard to keep up a facade all day, you know what I'm saying? So you gotta really just realize that being you, first of all, is gonna get you far because there's no one else like you.

SPEAKER_03 15:26

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

So if there's no one else like you, there's no competition. And that's what people gotta understand. There's no competition. Everybody's on their own lane, everybody's on their own path, and nobody can stop what God has in store for you. So if you keep reminding yourself of that, there's no way to, you know, there's no way to be wrong when being authentic.

SPEAKER_03 15:40

Of course not.

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Yeah, but I feel like sometimes, like, with society, we're gonna get there, but it gets like that, okay? And I definitely see why people are. That's a hard person. You feel me? I feel like sometimes it gets like that, but just remind yourself that God has the plan already written for you. So it's on his time. You know what I'm saying? Like, you may think that he's not thinking about you, but he is. He right, he's right there with you the whole way. You know, there's times where I thought there's no way God is with me, but look at where I'm at am now. You know?

SPEAKER_00 16:06

So I've had I've had a lot of scary cold nights where it's just like you really like my back against the wall. I don't know what to do. But you always find a way. Always, there's always that that small minuscule chance that you don't think it's gonna work out. Yes, but you have to take that extra step to really figure it out if it is or not.

SPEAKER_02 16:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 16:28

And I feel like the fear behind that is like it's very high at the time.

SPEAKER_02 16:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

It's very high, but you gotta just trust. Trust in him.

SPEAKER_02 16:39

Yeah. For sure. Faith is key. Do you feel like you're currently walking in your purpose, or do you think you're still figuring it out?

SPEAKER_00 16:50

I feel like I'm still figuring it out. I feel like I have a long way to go. I'm still. You're still very young. Yeah, you're not. Not that I don't feel like I feel like most people around my age bracket is so like weird because like I'm stuck in between like still growing up, but also still having like I would say child tendencies or like tendencies of like what I used to do as a like when I first got to college. I don't do the same things I used to do when I first got to college. I I'm definitely a lot more calm now. I'll be chilling.

SPEAKER_02 17:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:23

I'll be doing so we're gonna go. I was turned.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

Is college really how they say it is? Is it like really like party all day?

SPEAKER_00 17:31

I mean, it you can you can make it that. Honestly, if you really wanted to be that, you can make it that, but you gotta stay dedicated to everything you're doing. Because at the time, I was a content creator, I was a cameraman, um, I was a full-time student, and I was working a job. Wow. I was doing all that and working. I was work, I was in classes during the week, I work during the week, outside every weekend. Bro, every Friday, like we was outside almost every weekend at Gotham. I'm not gonna lie to you. Got them was Listen, work hard, play hard. You feel me?

SPEAKER_02 18:06

You know that. And I feel like sometimes you need that little when you when you're a hard worker and like I can tell you're very ambitious. Okay, so I I know that feeling of like, you gotta go have fun because you're gonna end up losing your mind. Like, I'm I'm too much into this work stuff, like you know, so it's and mental health is key, like I said.

SPEAKER_00 18:23

That's the part where you give yourself grace because it's like, okay, you doing X, Y, and Z, you doing what you gotta do, do what you gotta do so you can do what you want to do.

SPEAKER_02 18:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Basically. Um, how I portray that into what I do now is that if I'm working or whatever I'm doing every like each week, I give myself grace and I go check with my friends. That's how that's how I spend my time. That's how I really spend my time is either I'm going to the gym, um, putting probably like on stream. I'm gonna be streaming uh a lot more upcoming on Twitch each week. Um I can stay tuned to that. For sure. Um but besides that, I'm probably just doing inner work within myself, um reflecting on a lot of things, making sure my mom is good and stuff like that. And then on the weekends, I probably just relax, take a reset. It don't ever hurt to reset because you as a concentrator, we're doing a lot. So don't feel like you can't give yourself at least a day to relax.

SPEAKER_02 19:24

Yeah, yeah. And like you said, as a consecrator, like you come across a lot of like other people, different energies, stuff like that. So you do have to always check in with yourself and make sure you're good. Because sometimes we like I said, we get all work in workaholic and we just don't take a break, we don't stop, and it's like, oh, I gotta get this out, I gotta get this out. But it's like you have to take care of that mental because it will pour over into what you're doing, you know. So if you don't take care of it, so that's real.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

That's a fact.

SPEAKER_02 19:50

Let's get into these questions, this topic questions, okay? So, what does living a double life really mean? Code switching personalities depending on the environment, family, friends, social media, relationships, privacy is choosing what to share. A double life is feeling like you can't. So basically, why do we do this? Is it fear of rejection, abandonment, desire for acceptance, uh acceptance, childhood conditioning, social media pressure, trauma? I think it's all of it. I think it's just all of it in one. Like the societal pressures of the world does tend to make people feel like they have to perform or they have to put on um a happy face all the time, even when things aren't good, you know? People don't, and that's another reason why I started this podcast because it's real raw and vulnerable. I want to talk about things in a way where people feel comfortable to connect and and to be like, yeah, I went through that too. And you know what, dang, she's brave enough to say that. She's brave enough to express that about about herself that like maybe I can do that, you know? Because I feel like that's why mental health is such a big thing in today's age, because we don't feel comfortable saying when things are not good. That's tough. You know, people love posting when they got that new car, they didn't post when they were walking and taking the bus for three years, you know. So I I I like to be so authentic with my audience that they know like you're not the only one going through it. Just because I'm sitting here doesn't mean I'm just perfect and I'm just living the good life. Because I feel like that's what a lot of content creators do. So, like, what do you think is the main like reason why we do this?

SPEAKER_00 21:13

Like, um I feel like okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna speak on my behalf, yeah, and then we'll speak on everybody else, more or less. Um, I feel like for me, I really don't know. I'm gonna have to really sit on that one because like I feel like you just obviously there's just certain times where there's a ton of I feel like more or less there's a time and place for everything. You won't really sit there and talk to your friends the way you would talk to your mother. You won't sit there and talk to the way you talk to your mother, the way you talk to the people on social media. Yeah. So it's I feel like it's a natural thing to code switch. Yeah. Um with your time and place for everything. Um you don't gotta do too much, but also. So like be yourself. You can still be yourself. It's just more or less of like time and place.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Time and place I think plays a play the biggest role.

SPEAKER_02 22:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:09

But I feel like as of recently, I've low key been stepping out of my show. Um I've been getting I've been becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And that's something that's I'm still working on today. It's hard, but we're pulling through the show. Because as much as you want to be yourself but not express too much, it's just like now you're just holding yourself back. And what are you really doing it for? Are you doing it for yourself or are you doing it for other people?

SPEAKER_02 22:45

For the validation. Exactly. Mm-hmm. And sometimes I have to check myself. Like sometimes when, like, am I posting this because I'm really trying to connect with somebody or am I posting this because I want to see if they'll validate my feelings or if they're gonna validate my experience. You know what I'm saying? So sometimes you just have to ask yourself these questions, like, so that you can you can decipher if it's the right time or place. Because sometimes, yeah, it's okay to be vulnerable and open up and and you know, like if you actually are feeling something and you want to and you want to share it with somebody because maybe you want to help somebody, that's powerful and that's great. But you don't want to do it out of a place of yearning for acceptance, yearning for that valid validity, because you're not always gonna get that from social media. You might get the opposite. And then if you get the opposite, that can really play an even deeper role in your mental health. So I do agree, time and place is definitely a big thing. A big, big thing. Yeah. Um, I feel like you learn how to survive, but that version of you might not be who you're meant to become. So it's like I feel like we put on these versions of ourselves because that's what's helping us get through life, but we have to realize that like you're gonna go through things in life, and at the end of the day, you really can't control that. So you trying to like mask like all the hard parts is not gonna make them go away, you know? So I feel like that's something people have to remind themselves too. Like, you don't want to survive, you want to thrive. And I say that all the time. Like, I don't I've I was living that life for a long time. I don't want to survive, I want to thrive. This life is meant for you to thrive and enjoy it, exactly. Oh, for sure, for sure, for sure. Okay, so where am I shrinking myself and who am I performing for? That's something I like to ask myself personally. So, like, for you, where do you think that you might be shrinking yourself or not being your full authentic self sometimes? Um is there any environment that you have to go in where you feel like you you can't really be yourself?

SPEAKER_00 24:28

I would say in the workspace. I agree. Um I feel like that's the only time that you really have to like put up that put up that shield of like, yes, you can be yourself, but not really. You gotta show, you gotta hold a certain standard because need your job. That's what I say. These jobs are gonna look at you some kind of way if you don't present yourself a kind of way. Yeah. And that's the part that low-key sucks, but it's also always a good thing because obviously if you're trying to hire somebody, you're not gonna just hire a bum.

SPEAKER_02 24:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

But like you're gonna hire somebody that's gonna do the job, get there on time, clock in and clock out. Yeah, that's pretty much it. But um, anywhere else, I would I wouldn't say, nah. Yeah. Or just a job.

SPEAKER_02 25:13

Yeah, I I feel the same way. Like, I but I feel like when it comes to jobs, like, especially when you look like us, you do be feeling like you have to shrink yourself because if you're not allowed to have human days. You're not allowed to have when you, I'm sorry, when you're black, you're not allowed to have human days. You're not allowed to just, you know, your brother could die, your dad could die, God forbid, you know what I'm saying? But like something like that can happen and they still expect you to just like not have any breakdowns. Not have any, you know, like they're not. Yo, that we're human, and I feel like, you know, other, you know, groups of people might not have to do that as much. And I see it every day where like they're allowed to, you know, have a blow up and they're allowed to, you know, do certain things and they they'll look get looked at like, oh, she's just having a bad day. But if I did it, it's like Ryan is so angry. I don't know what is wrong with her. She needs to leave whatever she's going through at home, at home. Not even funny. Um I've been chilled this whole year and I've crashed out for 30 seconds, and you just looking at me like I'm so evil. Like, no, so I definitely agree with that. I feel like work is one of the main places where I feel like I have to shrink myself. And like, I used to feel like that a lot more in society, because like, like, I don't know if you guys seen my post today, um, but a lot of the times, like, my I've always been a very outgoing, outspoken person. I've always stood on like how I feel and the morals and values, and I feel like a lot of people are intimidated by that. So, like, growing up, the people really made me feel bad for having an opinion and being able to stand on my opinion. Like, people make me feel like, yeah, like they made me feel like I was like either doing too much or like you know what I'm saying, but I'm like, you're not doing enough. Like now I'm like, you're not doing enough, boo. You know, but before I used to be like, damn, like, am I too much for people? Like, am I, you know what I'm saying? And I feel like that with when you're young, it's easy to like let people get in your head. But I feel like now that I'm grown with ass women and like I know what I bring to the table and I know the value of who I am and my purpose, I feel like, damn, this is the gift that God gave me. Like, a lot of people are not able to like stand alone in a room where everybody's against the truth. You know what I'm saying? Like a lot of people are not able to do that, they'll fold. So I feel like me having that resilience from a young age, I used to think it was a weakness, but it's really my strength. So that's that's the realest thing I can say about that. Like, shrinking yourself, it's it's never a good thing. Like, always be authentically you because there's a place for you, and you're gonna find it based on being who you are. If you're faking it, you're gonna be in the wrong room. You're always gonna end up in the wrong room, you know? So that's real.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

It's it'd be that energy, man.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

Yeah, the energy for sure. And I and I'm big on reading energy too. So, like, that's another thing. I stop letting people tell me what I know. At the end of the day, I know what I don't like. I know the energy I don't like. So if I don't like your energy, I don't like your energy. And that's cool. It don't make you a bad person, but you gotta get the fuck away from me. And that's that's that's just what they gotta respect it. You have to boundaries. Um, do you think you're living one life or multiple versions of yourself at this time?

SPEAKER_00 27:58

Um, just like circling back to the uh whole thing with me, like leaving the the childish tendencies, like there's still some parts of me that like I'm working on in terms of like healing my childhood. Um this is like a double-edged thing because of what you were just saying in terms of uh streaking yourself.

SPEAKER_03 28:18

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

Um as a kid, I wasn't really heard much. Yeah. And I realized that when I got older, I'm like, damn. And that was some inhaling I had to do within myself.

SPEAKER_03 28:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Um, so what I what I've been doing is um going back to like old like shows I never got to finish. Like right now. Well, I'm currently watching a show called Epo. It's a boxing show. I currently also do oh, I forgot, I'm also a boxer.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

Oh you gotta teach me a little more too, for me.

SPEAKER_00 28:47

I got you. Um but yeah, so uh I'm currently watching that boxing show, and it's just like um the main character Epo, he's going through the same things I'm probably going through in terms of uh I just started boxing like less than a few months ago. So the whole thing of like just pushing yourself to become the best version of yourself and learning how to cut out all the bad habits and start it slowly building the new better ones. So once those cancel out, your part of the can trigger from there, I ain't gonna lie to you. It just really comes down to discipline and consistency because nothing beats that, and discipline and consistency will outweigh motivation every single day. For sure. Um and sometimes we have our hard days. I've been having a lot of hard days, and it's been hard for me to show up for myself, but knowing that you can realize the fact that you're not doing well is the strongest thing because you know you want to build off of that and just become better.

SPEAKER_02 29:56

Yeah. Being honest with yourself is big because um, like how are you gonna grow if you don't know what the problem is? How are you gonna grow if you if you think you're just perfect? You know what I'm saying? Like nobody's perfect, and that's something I had to do, like, really bad. Like, I was at a place where, like, like like you said, when I was young, I didn't feel like heard really much. So, like as soon as I got to an age, like it became a kind of like an arrogance thing where I felt like nope, I'm just right, and that's just what it is. You know what I'm saying? So I feel like I kind of like it was a trauma response for me, like uh to get defensive and to not want to hear another perspective, or you know what I'm saying? Because it was just like nobody ever wanted to hear my perspective, so this is how I feel, and this is what it is for my life. And if you don't like it, you can get the fuck on, you know. And that's just not healthy, you know what I'm saying? Because at the end of the day, you can learn from other people, and and just because you listen to somebody's perspective doesn't mean they're right. It just means you know, you you can see you can take parts of other people's story and you can you can see it in yourself, and you know, it's okay to do that. And I just had to learn that. I had to learn that you're gonna learn from other people, you're gonna learn from other spaces, even if it's not actually what you want to do, or whatever, like you can still learn from other people, right? And that's something you have to just tell yourself be honest with yourself about where you're lacking emotionally, financially, mentally, and just be open, you know, be open. That's how you grow. So I definitely agree. Um have you ever outgrown a version of yourself but kept performing it anyway? I don't think so. Like, for instance, like sometimes, like I said, I done outgrew my arrogance, but sometimes I be playing into it with certain people because it benefits me in that situation. Like, some people they need you, like some people, they need that that part of you to come out. You know what I'm saying? Like some environments they call for you to like, okay, I'm I've been growing, I've been growing, I ain't, I ain't, you know, but I feel like now they're taking advantage of the part that I've grown. You know what I'm saying? So now, like, I feel like sometimes when people know who how you used to be and they see that you're growing into something better, they try to use that as a reason to. Okay. Yeah. So I feel like sometimes you do have to like reach back in your arsenal. Like, I could still be a bitch to a bitch, okay? I've grown. I've grown. I'm not a bitch all the time. Right. But I could be a bitch to a bitch, and that's why I be trying to tell people, like, I'm so nice now and like, you know, open and like I want to hear other people's perspectives, I want to like connect with you. I wasn't always like that. So I feel like some instances it'd be like, no, I don't want to hear, like, because like you said, energy is big. So sometimes you just know who to give it to, you know?

SPEAKER_00 32:32

Just not tolerating yes.

SPEAKER_02 32:34

Yeah. Like, so is there anything like that that you've like been like like something you've probably grown from? It's like, uh, I had to, I had to pull that out of my arsenal sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

Um I think it's just not tolerating certain things anymore.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

Um like setting boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 32:52

Yeah, that's really what it what it is. Um, I think it's protecting my time and peace. I think that's probably the biggest thing as of right now, protecting my time and peace. And it like um some people may say that's that may sound cliche, but I'm growing a lot, so it's like I just don't have time for the BS. I don't.

SPEAKER_02 33:14

And I feel like that's not I feel like that's not cliche at all. Because I feel like people people want you to like think about them before they think about yourself, but nobody else does that. Like, I like nobody wakes up and thinks, um, did Mariah eat today before they eat. Nobody gets up and thinks did Mariah make sure she gets paid, that she pay her rent before they make sure their rent is paid. So let's not act like we all don't make sure we're good before we can make sure the next person's good. So I hate when people try to make you feel bad for like setting boundaries or like putting your mental health first because then they how am I gonna show up for anybody if I'm not showing up for myself? And that's something I had to tell myself too, because I was a people pleaser and I'm not gonna keep being a people pleaser because when I was, I was my most miserable self. Because why I'm pouring into everybody else trying to make sure you feel loved, seen, protected, all these things, but I don't feel that way. I don't feel like I'm doing that for myself, you know? So that's real. Nobody, nobody could say that's cliche at all. That's crucial to growth and self-preservation.

SPEAKER_03 34:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:09

I think we kind of talked about this. Like, have you ever felt like you had tone yourself down? You said just work, right? Like work really was the only time you feel like you had to like shrink yourself or like tone it down. Like, but do you feel like in your content era, like have you ever been like uh have you ever like, do you do collabs or anything like that?

SPEAKER_00 34:24

I do.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

You do? Like, have you ever like because I know I've been through this, like, where I felt like maybe like you you could tell people's energy. So like I'm a very outgoing, like, you know, sometimes loud person. And I feel like some people can't handle that or they don't like that. And instead of saying that, they start like shifting their energy. Yeah. Like, have you ever felt like damn, like, oh, like, should I not have said that or should I not have did that? Or like, you know?

SPEAKER_00 34:48

I feel like I've had that situation with like people I used to be cool with. Um I've had some people that I've done I've worked with before, and I don't I feel like what I did wasn't really appreciated enough.

SPEAKER_02 35:05

So I was just like you weren't valued in the situation.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

Yeah, yeah, it's just like Damn. Yeah, like I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 35:11

That's a bad feeling to have too, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:12

Well, why you did that? And it's like and you try to make it seem or like nothing was I didn't really ever say anything because like I don't think it it was that deep to me in some shape or form, but it really wasn't that deep to bring up because it was I felt like something that if you were if you were truly genuine, you would have said something about it. Yeah, so yeah, I didn't feel like the need to bring it up. Yeah, um it was it was this guy.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

It was more like just move out they weigh type shit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:43

This guy um I used to be cool with. Um I'm not gonna name drop because that's fake OD.

SPEAKER_02 35:48

It's alright, it's alright.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

Um but he's a he's a I feel like overall he's a great creator. He's done a lot and he's very well versed. He's a jack of all trades. Um but at the time when he was upcoming, um, and he was like he needed spaces for videos and stuff like that, I provided that for him. But don't nobody know that. Only that conversation was only between me and him. Mind you, he had like at least a few, like 20 people in that spot. Wow. I got that set up. I could have been kicked off a campus of something to do something like that. I mean, maybe it's it's a possibility. I don't know what the leadership is. But you didn't really have I didn't really have a a good knowledge of what like what could have happened because so you took the chance. Yeah, I'm took a chance I'm the one liable for that because I'm the one that let people inside.

SPEAKER_02 36:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:37

You understand? Um but obviously nothing happened. That was because grace of God. Right. Um, and things all worked out smoothly. But what if they didn't?

SPEAKER_02 36:48

And you just felt uh not appreciated in that moment, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

Yeah, it was because of that. Um, and whenever like things went, I like maybe I I wanted to plan something, or like they'd hit me up, I'd be like, yo, just hit me.

SPEAKER_02 37:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

No, never hit me. It's like yeah, and then you working with other people, it's just like yeah, that shit is sad.

SPEAKER_02 37:11

Like, I I tell people all the time, treat people how they treat you. Like, and I feel like when somebody goes out their way to support you, like that's big. Like, people don't do that anymore. People do not look out for people when it does not benefit them. People do not look out for people when when nobody, yeah, it is. And it people do not look out for you when like there's no like when they're not on the forefront, like when they can't tell everybody that they helped you. So the fact that you did that on the back end, it's like, damn, like, you know, like at least make me feel appreciated, you know, because I'm not looking for the external validation. Like, I just want you to know that I I fuck with you that hard, you know what I'm saying? Exactly. And I feel like that's what people be missing. Like, it's not the fact that I want the credit for it, it's the fact that I just want to feel seen, you know, like and I feel like sometimes people don't be feeling seen or appreciated, like you said, and that's just it sucks. It really sucks. Like, I'm telling you, being a content creator is not easy, y'all.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

It's not easy. You cross a con you come across so many different obstacles that you would never expect, especially when it comes to dealing with people and dealing with people's energy.

SPEAKER_02 38:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:10

It's like trying to decipher if this person is like really genuine. Yeah. Or like if this person is really like for you in a way where you could possibly work with this person, could this person be an asset to the team or an asset to your life in some shape or form? Um because not everybody obviously you could possibly work well with somebody and they not always be around, but you still you still built that strong connection with them. Um I have a great example, my boy Ty. Um I actually just shot a um an advertisement with him, I think it was like two, three days ago. And I had worked with him two years ago um for a shoot for something. Um I don't think I ever I don't think it ever got published or anything. But that's at the time where he didn't even have a camera. He's using his phone. Wow. He boy was using his phone. Like, if I was to show y'all um like his page, you would have never thought the amount of hard work and determination he uses to put into his videos are being shot on a phone. Now he's using a camera, he has all the extra stuff and stuff like that. But I just told him, I was like, yo, if you ever want to shoot more stuff, just let me know. I'm always down to shoot. Literally. So he hit me up. I think this was uh Sun Sunday, literally happened same day. He was like, yo, you trying to shoot uh for Average Husband Um at four. I was like, let's do it. Why not? Let's do it. So I I sh I literally shot straight from Waterbury to New Britain. I literally figured out an outfit and then shot to Hartford.

SPEAKER_02 39:45

Wow. See, and that's why you have to just like have faith, like you said, because just because you don't see somebody for a while don't mean they, you know, like they didn't value it, they didn't appreciate your time. Sometimes it's the timing and it's the right time for y'all to come back together. So it's like, but that's the difference between feeling like used and like just we gonna see each other again, you know what I'm saying? Because some people don't know how to just value, you know, those instances of like, you know, I'ma see you, you know, like I'ma see you here and there. You know what I'm saying? And there's nothing wrong with that because everybody got their own journey that they're going on, you know. But that's dope. Like, fuck with people like that. I feel people that's like that. I remember you, like I'ma always remember you because the energy is always good, it's always supportive energy, it's never no malicious competition or anything like that. Like those type of people you gotta keep around you, you know, especially in this space, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:29

That's not a lot of people like us out there, man. It's so hard to find so like when it comes to like finding like genuine people, it's so hard. I don't even try to, but it's like whenever I feel like I can seize the opportunity, I'll do it. Yeah, and that's what I did.

SPEAKER_02 40:43

Yeah, and I feel like when it comes to like finding genuine people, you always think they're genuine until it's too late. You know what I'm saying? To you've already given them access. So you've already, you know what I'm saying? And then it's to be like, Fuck. It'd be like the segment, give me more the segment, please. Because like, what is going on? Like it'd be crazy, like, and it'd be the people that you really never expected. Like, it it's always the ones you don't expect.

SPEAKER_00 41:06

Yo, it'd be like that.

SPEAKER_02 41:07

But then the ones that you be thinking is like not gonna be genuine, you meet them, you're like, oh my god, like this is the purest energy I've felt in a while. Like, you know what I'm saying? So it's like you really just have to put yourself out there. You never really can tell until you you try, you know, like you said. Um do you think people in your life truly know you?

SPEAKER_00 41:26

No.

SPEAKER_02 41:27

Damn. Like I feel you on that though. I've I've definitely been there.

SPEAKER_00 41:32

Um, I feel like like even I feel like there's there's a certain parts of me that even my friends don't know about. Um but I feel like over time, I mean if if they do possibly ask me about it, I'll open up things. I would open up about it, but I don't think it's something that I'll just like randomly bring up or anything like that.

SPEAKER_01 41:54

Damn, so nobody just be like, Los, how you doing? Los, you good?

SPEAKER_00 41:59

I mean, so people be asking me if I'm like how I'm doing. I'm usually I'm not gonna lie, I usually always say like I'm doing well.

SPEAKER_02 42:06

Um I doesn't mean like I'm I'm lying, but I feel like people don't take time to like ask like deep. You know what I'm saying? Like, because like sometimes I know when my like my best friend, I know when she's going through something. She could be like, I'm good, and I'm be like, bitch, what's wrong? You know what I'm saying? Like, so I feel like you don't do you have anybody like that in your circle where like they know, like, okay, something's up with Los. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 42:29

Um, like if we're ever having a conversation, I mean, I don't know because I feel like I have like I'm so well with not showing.

SPEAKER_02 42:37

Like you're good at managing your emotions.

SPEAKER_00 42:39

Yeah, like I'm not, I don't with with me not being performative, I don't really show like what I'm going through or when I'm going through it, because I've been through so much, I don't feel like there's anything that I can't tackle. And you just gotta get through it. And things what I realize, even with the hardest things, things just take time.

SPEAKER_02 43:01

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_00 43:02

Things just take time to just let things go by. And sooner or later, that feeling will go away.

SPEAKER_02 43:11

Yeah. But I will give you one piece of advice. What's that? You always everyone needs somebody. And that's what I would say, like, from one strong person to another, because I was definitely in that space before where I felt like you've been through so much, you can get through it on your own. You know what I'm saying? Which is true, you can get through it on your own. But sometimes we have we don't we overlook the support systems we do have. And sometimes, like, if someone g gives you the opportunity to like open up to them and like show you how genuine they are in your life, that's the only way you're gonna know who's really a part of your circle. You know what I'm saying? You're never gonna find your true circle if you're afraid to be vulnerable and open up. So that's the only thing, only advice I would give you. But I will say, yes, some things you do need to just go through on your own because you do not want to get codependent on at on seeking help or seeking, you know, someone to balance your emotions. But I will say, like, a part of your self-reflection could be like you know talking about what you're feeling in those moments. Because sometimes it's healthy to really just express how you're feeling. We are human and we do we do have feelings. Like I used to think I was just mad about everything, but no, you're not just mad about everything. You're deflecting, you're sad, you're hurt, you feel, you feel abused, you feel unseen, you feel like you've been thrown to the wayside, you feel, you know what I'm saying? So it's like having that vocabulary and being able to tell like admit to myself that I feel these things, and like even finding my best friend who is my person who I feel like I can go to about those things, and I'm not going to be judged, I'm not going to be looked at a certain way, and she still is going to uplift me and and help me get out of that. I feel like everybody just needs somebody, you know? So I feel like if I would have known that earlier, I probably would have not been so defensive and angry for so long because like I really just held myself back from feeling, you know.

SPEAKER_00 44:53

That's understandable.

SPEAKER_02 44:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:55

Um, I have a few people. I like I have people that I can like always go to if I ever like do want to talk. So it's not like I don't.

SPEAKER_02 45:02

Yeah. Um but you need to utilize them sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 45:05

No, I do. I have my moments where like I'll hit up uh um shout out to my my homegirl Genesis from New York.

SPEAKER_02 45:11

Shout out to you, Genesis.

SPEAKER_00 45:12

Um I could always just I could call her whenever. Um if I ever really need to talk to somebody, I know you can I can just call her whenever. And she'll pick up. If not, she's probably asleep. She probably I feel you, Genesis. But yeah, I have people in my close circle. Um, if I'm being completely honest, whenever like I feel like I'm struggling or I'm going through something, or I need a and like I need an answer to a question, I ain't gonna be asking Chat GBT.

SPEAKER_02 45:40

I thought you was about to say your mom.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

But yes. Chat GBT be answering like all my questions first.

SPEAKER_02 45:46

Yeah. I feel like they help me a lot with like like business stuff. Like, I feel like because sometimes that'd be the main thing that'd be weighing down my mind. Like it'd be like, I don't really know how to go about this, or I don't know, like like even for the plug and play, like that was my first time doing in-person interviews. Like I had never done that before. So like it was it was so like in-person, like like that, like I've never done like quick, you know, short form interviews like that. So it was something new to me, and I was very nervous, but like I just told myself, like, you're not gonna get better if you don't try it. You're not gonna get better if you don't. If you tell yourself you can't do it, you're not gonna do it. Right. So just tell yourself you can do it and figure out a plan. So chat GBT definitely helped me out with that.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

I think I think she did a pretty good job, honestly, compared to most people, because I feel like most people starting up when it comes to interviews, people just don't know what to say, or people don't have certain questions, and you have a lot of great questions that you've been asking. So thank you. Um, especially when it comes down to that, being being her authentic authentic self has definitely helped out her helped her out a lot, yeah. Honestly, especially with like with the different artists that you were interviewing. I feel like that was pretty cool.

SPEAKER_02 46:50

For sure. Because a lot of them like hit me up and they want to come on the pod and like stuff like that, and like like just the genuine energy, like I felt it like interviewing them. Like, none of them it felt it didn't feel scripted. Like at first, like the first time, I was real nervous, like I was choking up on my words and shit. But then, like, after the first one, I was like, damn, like I just need to relax, like I just need to breathe, like it's it can be edited, it can be like you know what I'm saying, like stop being so in your head about it, like you know what I'm saying, and like just enjoy the conversation, and that's really like how it got better. So, I don't know if you guys can tell, but it definitely started flowing better the more, like you know, as you go through the interviews. But thank you so much for that. I really appreciate that a lot. Um, what advice would you give to someone who feels stuck between stuck being someone that they're not?

SPEAKER_00 47:37

Um I'd say find your purpose. Find what you really want to do and how you want to do it. And if you don't have the guidance to figure out how you want to do it, I'd say talk to someone that can also bring some ideas with you to possibly help you out or find like a mentor. Um I personally don't have a mentor or anything. I've always wanted a mentor. Um, I just don't know like what I would use the mentor for exactly. I feel like at times I just need somebody to hold myself accountable to certain things. I feel like that's like the only thing. But besides that, yeah, finding a purpose is probably like the biggest thing. Yeah. And shorthand, it's easier said than done. It is easier said than done, but it is worth it.

SPEAKER_02 48:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:31

With time, it definitely is worth it because then you realize oh, you don't gotta do I don't gotta I don't gotta do this, I don't gotta do that. All I gotta do is X, Y, Z and Ritz and repeat, and that's it. Once you find the systems to life and just how your life operates, life becomes a lot easier. And what I've learned um through a book that I was reading a little while back, was um through it was called Atomic Habits. If you just compound interest on your habits, it just becomes a rental repeat process. And what I mean by compound interest on your habits is just like start off with something small, the smallest thing, and you keep doing that and you add on to that, then it just becomes natural, and then you'll get some people might call it flow state, but it's not really just flow state, it's just more or less of like you really understanding what you got going on and know how to tackle it.

SPEAKER_02 49:27

Yeah. The big word you use was sis sis like systems. Like that's real. Like you have to create a system for your life and how you want it to go. Like, if you want to get to this place, you have to figure out a way to get there and then just keep continuously do that over and over again. Like you said, consistency and discipline. So yeah, I definitely agree. Systems is important in your life. Like, you have to have some type of you know schedule, some type of you know, stability. You can't just be waking up randomly and like, oh, I'm gonna do content today. Like, no, you have a schedule, have it, because it'll be easier to stick to that if you you know what days you're shooting, you know what days you have to rest, you know what days you know, like take time for your days off, take time for your days to shoot, and you know, be intentional, you know.

SPEAKER_00 50:05

Gotta have that foundation, man.

SPEAKER_02 50:06

For sure, for sure. Are you proud of the person that you are in private? Um when no one's watching, who's Los and are you pri are you proud of him?

SPEAKER_00 50:20

Yeah, actually. That's great. I feel like Carlos and Carlos and Los has been doing uh a lot of inner work. So um with time, things have been getting better. Um I've been saying to myself a lot. And what I am as a person and what I'm doing and what I'm doing it for and why. Um so yeah, I feel like I am.

SPEAKER_02 50:49

That's good. That's good. Because I feel like a lot of people, they probably put on that persona, but I know at where you go home at night, you don't like who you is, and you gotta work on that, you know? Like you gotta, whoever you are in private, you gotta make sure you you feel comfortable being that person in public because that tells you a lot about your morals and values. You know what I'm saying? Like, as long as your morals and values are at the core, you should be good, you know? So that's really good. If anybody in the world had an opinion, who would you be tomorrow? I mean, if nobody in the world had an opinion, who would you be tomorrow? Like if you had didn't have to worry about any judgment, any anybody commenting on your YouTube video saying, I don't like this, I don't like that, or this was trash, or this or you ain't had to worry about likes or anything like that, who do you think Los would be? Or who would you want Los to be? I'd be thinking about this all the time. I'd be like, if I didn't have to, because I feel like sometimes it's easy to say we're not performing, but I feel like if I if Instagram didn't exist, if you know I'm saying, if likes didn't exist, if the algorithm didn't exist, like who would I really want to be? And I'd be thinking about that all the time because I'm like, I want to be that now.

SPEAKER_00 51:55

That's like a hard question because it's like social media is such a big thing. Um I'd say like a gamer. Ooh, what's wrong with that? Nah, I don't say nothing wrong with that, but I just feel like and you stream, so you can low key do that. Yeah. It's like, I would just say like a gamer because truly that's really what I really am at heart. That's really what I be doing. Like when I'm bored. What games you play? I'd be on Apex, Brawlhalla, uh, Call of Duty. Okay. Um, and Rocket League. I'm down to play other games and stuff like that. Um, I'd be on Fortnite like with my friends. I was just about to say, you play Fortnite. So that's how I do. I'm I'm always down to hop on uh other games too. Yeah. I'm always open to learning new games.

SPEAKER_03 52:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:45

Um we all say gamer, because that's really like where my heart was when I was a kid growing up. And it's like it was a double-edged sword growing up. I used to not really go outside, mainly because where where I stayed at, there was like it was dangerous, but not really. It wasn't as dangerous after as my mom portrayed it to be. But she made you feel like kind of scared to go out there. Exactly. Well, no, I wasn't, I wasn't scared to go outside. It was just more or less of like my mom. Well, my parents were always working. Yeah. So after school, I would just come home and watch my sister, and that'd be like overpeat kind of thing. So never really had the time to really go out that much. So it kind of shifted to gaming. Yeah, so um my boy would always ask me to go out, go who. I'm like, damn, I can't, I gotta ask my mom.

SPEAKER_02 53:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:34

And then mind you, I wasn't even going that far. We was going. And she know where I'm going. She knows who I'm going with. It's my boy Miguel, who I grew up. She's Miguel. Um, I just gamed a lot, and the only part that was kind of annoying was that I had to stay with my grandma at some point in time. And Hispanic grandmas are not the greatest when it comes to like the whole thing of like, oh, you're not doing nothing. Get off your ass. Bro, all I was taught to do was play the game and go to school. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. And it's just like, oh, why you don't go outside? I'm like.

SPEAKER_02 54:12

Like when I tried to go outside, I couldn't go outside.

SPEAKER_00 54:15

Now y'all want me to go outside? Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 54:16

It's like I ain't gonna lie, that's Hispanic households for you. You can't do no fucking right in Hispanic households. I ain't even gonna lie. You lazy if you don't want to go outside. You wanna go outside, you fast. Like, girl, I just want to go pee, be in the sun, lay in the grass a little bit, you know.

SPEAKER_00 54:30

My friends, man, all I want to do. I mind you, I had barely had any friends when I was in New York. Yeah. So, like, all I really used to do was hang out with Miguel.

SPEAKER_02 54:37

Yeah, that was like your only real friend. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 54:39

Yeah, like I just we used to go get food or go downtown, take pictures, stuff like that. Like, that's all we used to do. We didn't do much. I wasn't like I wasn't on top of that. Yeah, and on top of that, I wasn't a bad kid growing up. Like, I had my moments when I was younger, but like growing up, I wasn't really a bad kid. The only time I really gave my mom a hard like a hard time was school, but I never really liked school, but I made it work. Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:06

Yeah, I feel like I'm the same way. Like, I was such a good kid, and my mom at the time she didn't think that, but then as I got older, she was like, You really was the good kid. I'm like, Yeah, I know. I was trying to tell you, you know, like I was trying to let you know. Like, I loved school, like I know you didn't like it, but I loved school. Like, I was the type that I'm up on the bus, but my before my mom even wake up. Like, she like, oh shoot, Mariah went to school. I'm like, yeah, I'm at the school. You know what I'm saying? So like it's it's it's it's funny how parents be, especially Hispanic parents.

SPEAKER_03 55:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:33

Um, this was really good conversation. I really appreciated this. I feel like this topic was so good for us, like it flowed really well, and I feel like you had such a good perspective to bring to it. So I want to thank you again for coming. Well for sure. Um living a double life might protect you from judgment, but it also blocks you from freedom. At some point, you have to decide are you here to be accepted or are you here to be real? Because that is the only way you're gonna get through life if you are authentically you. Because, like I said, you're always gonna end up in the wrong room when you're not being who you are. So just remember that. Before we wrap, I do like to do a little segment called Watched and Read. I know you spoke about a book you read before, but I like if you are reading or watching anything right now that you want to share with the guests, you can share that.

SPEAKER_00 56:12

Well, yeah, I was watch I was uh reading Atomic Ha Atomic Habits uh not too long ago. Okay. Um I wanted to get back into it. I've just been busy.

SPEAKER_03 56:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:22

Um, and anything I'm really watching right now?

SPEAKER_02 56:25

Yeah. Anything interesting? I need something new to watch for real.

SPEAKER_00 56:28

Um, what you into though?

SPEAKER_02 56:30

I'm into like, honestly, I like drama because I don't have a lot of drama in my real life no more. So I like kind of like live vicariously through people, you know, like okay, this is funny, you know, because I would never go through that. But you know, so I kinda like watch stuff like that. Like I'm watching Love is Blind right now. That shit crazy. I ain't gonna lie, that's shit crazy. I ain't doing that shit. That's crazy. But it's just funny to watch, you know? Um, or like I like anything true crime, like I love documentaries, anything like that, like anything educational. Okay. Um, I love stuff like that. Self-help books is like the best. I love reading self-help books, anything to help, you know, grow and self-reflect. Like, I feel like that's great for me. I love stuff like that. Um, yeah, so if you have anything like that, put me on.

SPEAKER_00 57:10

Um, you ever watched Snowfall?

SPEAKER_02 57:12

I heard of that, but I've never watched it. Everybody says it's so good. Okay, now I gotta watch it. I gotta watch it. Everybody says it's so good.

SPEAKER_00 57:19

Yo, I heard it was gonna make me cry at the end. Oh yeah. I'm gonna cry, baby too. I'm sorry, yeah. It's it's it's heartbreaking, I'm not gonna lie to you. And it's like, it's um, I'll give you the gist of it. Yeah. It's more or less, it's like power. Oh, okay. You were talking about power in the last episode.

SPEAKER_02 57:35

Um see, loves me, loves me tune it in. I fuck with Loves, loves me tune it in, okay?

SPEAKER_00 57:40

Um, so yeah, I was just like, honestly, Snowfall is a great show. I haven't gotten to I haven't got to watch power yet because I feel like I was gr as I was growing up, my parents were watching it. So I was just like, I don't know if I want to watch that for real. I I really didn't know what it was.

SPEAKER_02 57:57

He said this for the old people or something, like me watching it too, but I'm I'm about to get into power very soon.

SPEAKER_00 58:02

I I finished watching Snowfall. Snowfall's a great show.

SPEAKER_02 58:05

Okay, I'm watching it then. Yeah. Because I needed something to watch. And I heard it's really good. You're not the first person, so okay. And then last thing is the self-reflection of the week. So, like, is there anything that you've grown from this week that like maybe like something from your old self that has like came out and you didn't mean to? Like you like, like me, like I said, I used to be very angry. I used to let people control like my emotions and how I react to certain things um without thinking through or like thinking of, like you said, time and place and stuff like that. Like, sometimes people be pulling that out of me. Is there anything that you've grown from that you maybe has like surfaced from you and like how did you handle that?

SPEAKER_00 58:39

Ooh, that's actually a good one.

SPEAKER_02 58:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:41

Um, as of recently, in terms of the whole thing with like wasting my time with people, um, I feel like there's the one thing that I stopped doing was like seeking for the validation of why that me and that person cut ties or that person ghosted me of like looking for that validation. My pleasure. Yeah, I stopped doing that because I had realized I was only hurting myself more and it just wasn't doing me any good. So I just realized you just gotta learn how to just let people go. Regardless of how things ended. And you gotta make sure you hold yourself to a certain standard and make sure you have that boundary with yourself and that person.

SPEAKER_02 59:20

Yep. Not everybody's gonna understand you, and you're not gonna understand everybody, and that's okay. That's real. Well, thank y'all again for tuning in. Uh let them know where they can follow you again so that they can make sure and subscribe to his channel.

SPEAKER_00 59:31

Okay, okay, okay. So it's I am losem I l that's on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, um, anywhere. All that's all platforms for real, for real. And yeah, it was a pleasure being here. And I had a great time, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 59:47

Yeah, we gotta have you back because this was a great conversation. But thank y'all again for tuning in. Make sure y'all subscribe and support his channel, and make sure you guys check out his Instagram, like them pictures, because he's definitely fly. You feel me? He's gonna show you. Don't forget about her, man. She needs putting up.

SPEAKER_00 59:59

She needs the first thing, she needs put that shit up. I ain't gonna lie to you. She needs that shit up.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:03

Yeah, y'all gotta follow me too. Make sure y'all follow Raya's purpose, you know what I'm saying? And uh get me on TikTok. Make sure y'all um follow the Blunt Talk TikTok because I need y'all to move over there. I know we got a lot of support on Instagram, but we need y'all to, you know, come come help us get build that algorithm up on TikTok. So thank y'all again for tuning in, and we'll see you guys on the next episode.