Blunt Talk with Riah

Misplaced Anger: Why We Hurt the People Who Love Us Most with Aiyana

• Mariah • Season 2 • Episode 8

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In this episode, we sit down with Aiyana, founder of Innate Elements, to explore the deeper layers of misplaced anger and emotional awareness.

Why do we sometimes take our frustration out on the people who love us the most? And what does that say about the emotions we haven’t fully processed?

Through a grounded and honest conversation, we dive into how unaddressed pain, stress, and past experiences can quietly shape the way we show up in our relationships. Aiyana shares her perspective from the wellness space, offering insight into how mind, body, and spirit are all connected — and how true healing starts with awareness.

This episode is for anyone who has ever felt misunderstood, projected onto, or even caught themselves reacting in ways they didn’t fully understand.

🎙 In this episode, we discuss:
• Misplaced anger and emotional projection
• Why we hurt the people closest to us
• The connection between emotional and spiritual wellness
• Self-awareness, accountability, and healing

Take this as your reminder to pause, reflect, and check in with what you’re really feeling.

SPEAKER_02

What's up y'all? Welcome back to Blunt Talk Podcast. I'm your host, Raya, aka Raya's Purpose on Instagram. So make sure you guys follow me, show love, and hop on the TikTok to go support Blunt Talk. We need you all to move over over there. I see you guys supporting our Instagram, but we gotta you know get our algorithm uh our algorithm up on TikTok because I'm telling y'all, we've been getting up there, but we just we need all the fans to come back over there, okay? So before we get into that, I need to introduce my guest in today's topic, which is such a great topic for me because it's something I struggled with and I've personally overcome, and I'm just proud of myself, and I know a lot of people have this same issue. So, have you ever noticed that sometimes the people who love us the most get the worst version of us? The short temper, the co-responses, the distance. Meanwhile, strangers or acquaintances get patience and kindness. Why does that happen and why do we often not realize that we're doing it? Today's episode is a special one because I'm sitting down with Ayana, the founder of Innate Elements, a wellness brand rooted in intention, balance, and the idea of returning to what naturally is within us. Her work goes beyond just physical care. It's about creating space for people to reconnect with their mind, their body, and spirit, and to slow down in a world that constantly asks us to do the opposite. What I really love about what she represents is how she blends ancient wisdom and modern living, reminding people that healing isn't about doing more. Sometimes it's about softening, becoming aware, and allowing yourself to just be. So today I just want to welcome Ayana. And I'm happy that you're here.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you so much for having me. Of course. It's truly a pleasure.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, yes. I have been waiting for her to come on ever since my girl Mel came on. You know, she introduced us, and she is such a sweet, pure soul. Like when I met her, I knew she was genuine, so I had to have her on. Thank you. So thank you so much for coming and supporting me and what I do, and I hope I can do that for you as well in the future. Um, so before we get into the topic today, I really want to get to know you and let the supporters get to know you and what you do. So, for those of you um are just being introduced to you, who is Ayana beyond your business?

SPEAKER_00

That's a really good question. Um, Ayana, Ayana, Ayana, Ayana. I like to say, I'm just Ayana. Um, I'm all things Ayana. I just I like to free float, to be completely honest. I just really like to be. Some days I am a professional, some days I'm just chill chill. I am like an auntie, I'm a dog mama. What's name? My dog is Yoda. He just turned six months Sunday. So that's my little baby. Okay, but I'm just Ayanna, to be honest. I do all things. Like I like to dance, I like to move, I like to just be creative. Yeah. Sometimes I just like to do nothing. Yeah. I really like quiet, I like nature, I like stillness. So I float. Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down.

SPEAKER_02

Ain't nothing wrong with that. I feel like sometimes we get caught into like, you know, putting on personas or like being up all the time and putting on a face, but like really just be you, you know, and just let life flow.

SPEAKER_05

So I love that.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you. That's good. How would you describe your personal journey with healing and balance?

SPEAKER_00

Girl, a journey. Literally, it is I feel like it's a daily obligation to be like no, it's a daily commitment, is a better word. Yeah. Um, because every day I feel like I'm just committing to something new, per se. Every day, different feelings, different emotions, different things that maybe have just been covered, you know what I'm saying? That I'm kind of like revealing based upon interactions. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So, like every day is just a daily commitment to just trying to be better than I was a day before, or last week, you know, or 10 minutes prior. Yes, you know, literally we catch ourselves. Like, it's really just like a daily commitment, to be honest. Um, some days is better than most. Yeah. Every day, I'm truly not trying to heal, healing just happens. Right. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02

So that's real. Because I feel like that's what I go through too. Like, sometimes I be like kind of hard on myself, like when I set back, I see I see myself setting back, maybe in like my mindset or something I've done, or I make a mistake, and I'm like, dang, you've grown from that. But as long as you catch yourself and you know, you know how to recognize that, you know, self-accountability, I feel like that is real, and that's the only thing you can really ask for is to be able to see, you know, what you're lacking in.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, no, I agree.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Um, can you tell us about NA Elements and what inspired you to create it?

SPEAKER_00

Okay, so NA Elements, um, I absolutely, it's it's my baby right now because it is something that was just created from a like a merge of partnership. So prior to NA Elements, I have been an esthetician for about six years. Wow. Um, and I just network, to be completely honest. Everything that I do, I've my work that I do is honestly soul work because it's things that I need for myself, that I do the self-work for myself, and then I bring to my people, to my community, the education aspects and just the intention behind it. Yeah. So I started off as Urban Beauty, Urban Beauty was urban beauty for a while, and then I was introduced to my partner. Her name is Cindy, she's a massage service. Yes. Um, and we just started to like just fuse. We we literally just were two Ps in a pod. It just kind of just meshed together. So we kind of just fuse aesthetics with massage therapy. Um, and like all the ancient wisdom that just like wisdom that we kind of like have, yeah, and how the intention that we put into our services, because it's not just a service, it's not just anything like that, it's a full-blown experience. Like for sure, we create literally personalized experience. Everybody that comes to see me, we connect. Yeah, I gotta get up in there. So definitely, definitely come see us. Um, but honestly, it's just something that we just came together. We we had like God. Like God and divine timing was just so crazy. We just needed what she needed, I needed. Yeah. And we just kind of came together and it just happened and it just worked. So, and the elements was just birthed. Um, and we're just we're just growing our baby, just planting those seeds, making sure that we're intentional, creating those solid foundations so that when we rise, everything is just it flourishes.

SPEAKER_02

That's beautiful. That's literally the definition of purpose. Like when things just flow like that and it just happens so naturally, and like one day you're doing this, and the next day it's like, wow, I'm here. That is God. That's literally God's timing, and you have to just go with what his timing is for you because sometimes we we try to force things and we try to stay where we're not supposed to be. Absolutely. Sometimes he forces you out of those places, and you have to just go with it. And then I'm so you're happy that you did. That is beautiful for real. And I can't wait to come up and be a part of that. That is so dope. Literally, oh my god, I got chills. Um, I love your message about wellness rooted in ancient wisdom. What does that mean to you in practice? Like using your ancient wisdom, like what does that exactly mean?

SPEAKER_00

So, when I think about ancient wisdom, honestly, I think about like remedies and rituals and things that we grew up on. Like, let's just be, let's just like get all the fluff out. Like, let's think about like things that we grew up on. Things that may have just been like your grandma taught you. Yes.

SPEAKER_02

I was just thinking about it.

SPEAKER_00

You sit in the kitchen and you're watching somebody doing something, you know what I'm saying? So like think about like teeds, like remedies when you're sick or anything like that per se. That's what that's what the ancient wisdom kind of is. Things that we grew up on, things that we've just learned from our ancestors. Maybe you can have grown apart from, yeah. Absolutely. That we kind of just stepped apart from and then like come in an adult or come in to teenage age or anything like that, realizing like, oh, they was right. This actually does work. Like it's actually good for you. That's real. And it's nourishing for the body, and it's like it's rich, it's it's made from soil. Like, you know, we can grow it ourselves, we can heal ourselves. So kind of just going back to our roots.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and that's important because I feel like in this day and age, like a lot of them are trying to put us on these medications and these pills and our stuff, and where there's so much natural remedies for things that we can use, and we a lot of people are just like blind to that. So I love what you do because that lets people know that you can heal yourself. You don't have to always trust the doctor or have to go to a doctor for every little thing because half the time they don't even fucking help you. Like, they really don't. Like, how like I've had gut issues for so long, and every time I went to the doctor, they wouldn't do anything for me. And then as I started juicing and like studying like what greens to be eating and what things to put in my body, I ain't got no gut issues. You start realizing after hormone, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_00

You start learning, it's it's a lack of education. Yes, literally. To be honest, and I think they hide the education from us. Like they hide education from us, they don't want us to know certain things, so we're reliant on government and society and all the things.

SPEAKER_02

And then we're reliant on you guys, and you still don't help us.

SPEAKER_00

So that's like the thing that's the root cause of things. Because they want you to keep coming back. We treat symptoms, but not like the root of things. So everything that we do at NA Elements, we're treating root causes. Yeah. So it's not a quick fix. You're not just gonna be like a like we are a one-stop shop, but you can't just come to us one time and be like, oh, my problems are good. Yeah. You may feel great. You will feel great. But you should continue.

SPEAKER_02

Because yeah, yeah, it's a daily commitment. Anything good, I I know this doesn't come easily and it doesn't come in a drop of a dime. Like everything that's good for you and great for you is worth the wait. And it's worth the time, the patience, the effort. You have to put all that into, especially your body. Like, you're gonna live for a long time if you put your you know, all your stuff into your body, like all the good things in your body, and you focus on that and your health and your self-preservation, your mental health, absolutely, all of that is just gonna make your life better for your kids, your grandchildren, your nieces, your nephews, even if you don't want kids, you know, like people want you around for longer, you know? And and we love connection over here. So take care of your body, okay? Health is wealth. Health is definitely wealth always. Um, what kind of experience do you want people to have when they come to you or interact with your brain? I know you said that it's very like it's it's not surface level. It's very, you got you create a a distant, I mean an instant connection with your people. So how do you how what exactly is this experience you want to give them?

SPEAKER_00

To be honest, a nervous system medulation. Like I want to reset your nervous system. I want to regulate your nervous system. A lot of times, like we ripping and we run in. A lot of the things like we like today. We're in hustle culture. No, for real. We always we're in hustle culture. Like we just have to go, go, go, go, go, get, get, get, get, get. And it's mostly because we we need to. Like the world we live in and the economy that we're in, like, requires us to. Yes. So when you step into like any elements, when you it's gonna sound so I don't want to sound cliche, but when you breathe the air, when you open the door, like a breath of fresh air, I want you to just be able to just like feel the the breath of fresh air, just like really just regulate your nervous system. If that just takes 10 minutes of silence, if that just take takes me teaching you how to breathe. Breathe properly. You know what I'm saying? Like, just that, even if it's not a full-blown like service, of course, services is needed, but I just want to regulate your nervous system. Yeah, and that'll just ultimately you will be you will have a better mood. You'll be able to show up a little bit lighter, feel a little bit lighter. Don't feel like you're carrying the world, you know what I'm saying? So definitely let me just regulate your nervous.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I if she was promoting this, it's a great promotion because listen, I'm in there like as soon as possible, because that's something I need sometimes. Sometimes I have I struggle with taking breaks and just breathing. Like sometimes you forget to breathe, literally. Like you forget to just you know, like, and really just take everything in, you know, the world around you, even the people around you, the the experiences you're having, the feelings that you're going through. Sometimes we really don't take that moment to just sit in. It's so important. Stillness is so important. Absolutely. Yes, yes. I can't wait to be a part. How has helping others heal impacted your own growth?

SPEAKER_00

Ooh, that's good. Yeah. Honestly, I feel like the more that I'm able to help other people, like helping other people opens my eyes, it opens my ears, it opens my mind to maybe experiences and and just life in itself that I maybe have not experienced. Yeah. Um, it kind of humbles me in a way because like my chest can be high. Like, you know, like I can just live outside of myself where I could just feel all the different emotions and all the different things. So giving back to people and helping people navigate more so it just softens my heart.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It truly does soften my heart. And I just feel like I'm bridging a gap, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. From lack of education, just lack of knowledge and lack of maybe resources and anything for that capacity. Um, so yeah, it it truly just softens, it softens me.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, it brings out that empathy and like sympathy for others. Cause I feel like that's that's a big thing. Like sometimes we don't put ourselves in other people's shoes, so like it's easy to judge, and it's easy, but when you're in those type of environments where you're healing people and you see like everything behind, you know, the scenes, like not just what they're putting out, not just the anger that they're showing to people, not just this, this, that, you see the root causes. Absolutely. It makes you like, oh wow, like there's a reason for everything, you know. Everyone goes through things and not everybody's able to process those things correctly, and that's not just directly a attribution to who they are because sometimes you just don't know. Absolutely. Sometimes you really just don't know. Yeah. Um, from your experience working closely with people, do you feel like unprocessed emotions like anger show up in ways people people don't always recognize?

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, like have you like had clients that you've really helped with that?

unknown

Really?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, because honestly, I feel like naturally like unprocessed anger can show up attitude. It can show up just like you're just just quick to respond. You know what I'm saying? You can just be cutting people off, you can just show up a little bit arrogant, you can be like really short-tempered, low patient, and it's just like take a deep breath. Yeah, like let's not even think about why you're upset right now. Let's just breathe. Let's really just breathe, let's slow it down, even think about why you're upset and just breathe it through, to be completely honest. So I feel like it shows up just in conversation. It could just show up, it could show up in your posture. You could be walking, you could just be tough and just rough. Your face, like your muscles, everything is just like just entangled. Yes, and intense. So I definitely help. Just like I like to use like aromatherapy, so different kind of like sense, different kind of everything. It naturally just relaxes you a little bit. Some like you cannot be upset when you're just smelling, like you know, you can't even just be thinking.

SPEAKER_02

When we was just smelling the candles. The candle. Like bath and body works, I'd be the calmest in there, okay?

SPEAKER_00

All it takes sometimes is just a breath. Like, literally.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I heard like your senses is like the main way to calm your nervous system, is like to utilize your senses and like what do I see? What do I hear? What do I feel right now in this moment? Like that really grounds you and helps you like just navigate through life. So that does make sense. And I've had people tell me like to do the aromatherapy thing, like to get certain sense that they help you like go through certain emotions and yeah, and relax. So that is really good. I want to get into that for sure.

SPEAKER_00

I can tell you some things.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, yes, like girl, I'm gonna be in there. You think I'm joking. On that note, I want to shift into our topic. So, have you ever taken your anger out on the wrong person, or do you seem to always find yourself in the receiving end?

SPEAKER_00

I could say a little bit of both. I'm I can definitely hold myself accountable and say my attitude be attitude in. She has her days, y'all. Sometimes I'm just a little bit feisty because I have a long day. I feel like I feel like I'm just feeling. Yeah. To be honest, I'm just in the field. Sometimes I'm sad, I'm in my feelings, sometimes I'm upset, sometimes I can't even really explain what I'm feeling. Most times I'm probably feeling somebody else's emotions, to be completely honest. Um, in the ways that that just show up, I can be short-tempered, I can really just be low patient. I might not be present. So, yes.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, I feel like I go through that a lot too, like on both ends. Like you said, like um, sometimes I catch myself like, dang, you really kind of jumped the gun there. Like, like you could have you could have just been a little more patient, or like you could have just, you know, realized what the person was doing for you in that moment. Because sometimes like people they they try to be there for you, and sometimes they're not doing it in the way you want them to, but at least they give a fuck to even try. You know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like sometimes we kind of just like be shutting our walls up, or because we're so intense or angry or upset in this moment, we don't know how to take anything good in. And that's something I had to learn too, like check myself and be like, okay, do I want to stay in this or do I am I gonna take the tools that they're giving me? You know what I'm saying? So that's true, that's true. And definitely with the receiving end part, I ain't gonna lie, I be getting mad. Like, I be getting, but it's like, like when people do that to me, it's like I get upset, but it's like, dang, like I do that too sometimes. Like, you know, like I can't be so judgmental. I can't just be so, oh, you're a bad person because you did it to me this one time. Like, I've I've messed up and done that. So, like, you know, giving people grace as well as you give yourself, you know. Absolutely. Yeah, that's real. Um, so for me, like the defin definition of misplaced anger is like displaced aggression, which is when someone directs their anger towards a safer, easier target instead of the real source. So, like, say I'm upset because they didn't give me the raise that I was supposed to get at work, and now I'm just going to my best friend's house, giving her the side eye, not really talking to her, kind of ignoring her, you know, because I know that she's a safe place for me and she's just gonna let me do that. You know, that's not really a good thing to do because, first of all, you're manipulating and and you're using people that are really there for you, you know what I'm saying, and misusing them in the wrong ways. And I feel like that's one of the worst things. Like, I love to be used and utilized. Like, I just shared a post like this, like I love to be utilized, I don't like to be misused. So I feel like everybody is, you know, there to help you, especially the ones that are closest to you. And when you do things like that, it kind of makes them like maybe I shouldn't, you know, try to help you, you know what I'm saying? So, how do you feel about that? I agree, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, because it'll be times where maybe you either I'm venting someone to someone about a situation, and Lord have mercy if they don't agree with me. If they don't understand if they don't understand like my point of view, or at least if I feel as if they aren't hearing me, you don't have to agree with me.

SPEAKER_02

But hear my perspective perspective, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. If I feel like that, isn't I don't want to hear nothing, I'm shut down. Yeah. And that's just the human side of me. Before like I self-reflect, before I actually analyze all the things, I'm in my emotions and I'm leading with that. Yeah. I don't want to hear nothing, and I don't feel like that's fair to them. Because how dare I come to a safe space and then I shut you out? How dare I come to a safe space and and now I'm making you my enemy? You know what I'm saying? Like, how dare I? Right. That's literally how I feel. How dare I? But then it's like when the roads are reversed. Am I still showing up knowing that I I do that to people? Right. You know what I'm saying? Right. So it kind of goes hand in hand because I'm I'm not always, I'm human. I'm human all the time. Yeah. So I'm like, sometimes I'm I'm listening to a front vent and I'm like, well, girl, let's run this back. Right. Let me say this to you, Stu can hear how it sounds. And now they got an attitude. And the initial response is to have an attitude back. Because like I'm defending the butt, me being a friend or whatever I am to you, it's also like I have to give you your space to feel what you're feeling, and then maybe we can circle back to this. Yes. Let's circle back so we can just talk about like, girl, that's not even necessary.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

And then, you know, other people hold me accountable to that capacity.

SPEAKER_02

That's real. Yeah. I I go through that a lot in my best friend. She be like, girl, just let me be mad. I'm like, I'm sorry. I just I see this part and this part. And it's like, but sometimes you just have to sit back, and sometimes people just need an ear, you know, sometimes people just need to let go, you know? And that's okay. If you're a safe space for them, like, you know, that they should be able to do that, you know? Like they should be able to, girl, I don't feel like this was fucked up. I don't care. I don't care about all the other stuff, but this was fucked up. And they're right, it's okay for them to feel that way. And then, like you said, circle back. And I feel like that's why we have to hold ourselves accountable. Like, we all do that. It's not like we're all perfect, it's not like we're just, oh, I'm I do it, I handle all my situations perfectly. Like, no, we all mess up. We all, you know, maybe have a bad day and you know, give people other other people grades to have bad days as well, you know. So we often hurt the safe people because subconsciously we know that they won't abandon us. Right. So I feel like that is also like another way of misusing because it's like, oh well, I know she's just gonna be here, she she's never gonna not be my friend. So it's like she'll she'll get over it tomorrow. Like, and I feel like that's just so mean and like kind of like I could just treat you any type of way because I know you love me. And like I've been in relationships like that, like with family and friends and stuff like that. And it's like I never want to be that person. I never want to feel no, I don't ever want nobody close to me to feel like I just think they're always gonna be there, and I can just do whatever because they're always gonna be there, you know? Yeah. Why do you think people sometimes treat strangers better than the people closest to them?

SPEAKER_00

Because a stranger has no perception of you. Like a stranger, they don't know you. So you can have your own persona, you can show up whatever to a stranger versus someone who actually knows you, who may grow up with you, who can hold you accountable, who can be like your shit. Girl, stop it. You what? Like, you know what I'm saying? So I definitely think it's a it's a perspective look.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, for sure. Like, for example, me and my best friend, I could tell her probably something that like her other friends that maybe they're not as close or they don't they haven't been friends as long, whatever, they might, you know, enable certain things. But then I'll be like, We've talked about this, we've talked about this, you've said you wanted to grow from this. You've said, you know what I'm saying? I can check her on that because I know her and I know what her goals are, I know what her true intentions are. And when you know that about a person, you know who their true character is, you can call them out when they're stepping out of it. But when you don't truly know a person, like she said, your perspective is so different because you think this is who they are, and you're just accepting them for who they are. But that's really sometimes we're not living it in a true yourself you know at that moment you know at every moment of the day um do you think we're always aware when we're projecting when we're projecting anger onto the wrong person or do you think that it really comes to like a only people that really are able to self-reflect probably can do that no I don't think we're I don't think we're conscious of it most times I believe that it is a formed habit because it's just a way it's just kind of like a reaction like a trauma response. Yeah I don't think that sometimes I don't think that we're aware of it and other times when I do believe that we are aware of it we're not subconsciously aware to make a difference we're just aware to be aware right not to to hold ourselves accountable or to care enough to the capacity of like this is wrong let me fix myself you know what I'm saying yeah I feel like a lot of people really do lack self-accountability in this society like because everybody just makes it cool to like be arrogant honestly people everybody makes it cool to think that you're right and nobody else is right you know nobody can tell you anything um your perspective is the only perspective that matters you know so I feel like when you're living in a society like that in a world like that it's it's easy to forget other people's emotions forget how you treat other people forget about how you affect other people in their life in their world and their jobs and you know so I feel like it that's definitely real I feel like most of the time it is up it is subconscious because it's a formed habit like you said living every day where people are just shoving your feelings to the side you start doing that to other people you know I'm saying and we have to all be conscious of how we treat others because that's all gonna come back to you you know if you want to be a good person to other people all that's gonna come back to you but if you want to be a bitch to other people bit people gonna be a bitch to you you know so you just have to you know treat people how you want to be treated truth truthfully I also believe that like just coming from a like a growth aspect of myself I feel like I used to do that a lot and it was a formed habit on I just didn't know I didn't have people in my life that would hold me accountable.

SPEAKER_00

So when you don't have people in your life that hold you accountable to a standard or to a truth or to anything to be honest you learn the hard way yeah you go through situations and then you just like damn mm-hmm I fucked up so now you gotta write your wrongs you know what I'm saying so I do I do also see the side of like some people just don't know what they don't know to be honest. Some people are like literally living every day in like a growth space of like you have to experience things to learn things. I am somebody I'm not gonna say I hate about myself but I do learn the hard way. So I'm a little bit stubborn and hardheaded so I do also feel like you gotta learn the hard way sometimes you gotta like break some barriers and do some things so that you can learn how to hold yourself accountable or you come across people that will hold you accountable and it's all because they love you or like they respect you or they see. You know what I'm saying? That you really don't you don't know what you know in girl stop it before you I can literally connect with that so much because I was the same way.

SPEAKER_02

Like I said I suffered from this exact thing that we're talking about having misplaced anger like especially from like being in my a such a trauma filled like childhood like not feeling heard not feeling seen feeling like what I felt didn't matter. So when I got to a certain age where I was on my own and I was doing me I kind of was like arrogant to everybody's opinions you know like I really don't care about what you feel this is my life you know and if you don't like it get the fuck out and I don't and I won't care you know so I was stuck in that space for a long time until and I feel like I stood there so long because I was surrounded by not only in laybuilders but people that were worse off than me. Absolutely as far as like because I used to think I was bad but my friends was bad or I ain't gonna lie like my friends they didn't give a fuck about how they treated people you know and I feel like that kind of made me feel like I was good you know because like oh they're they a little worse than me. So it's like I'm I I can't be that bad but like no you still have growth to do and I feel like coming across certain relationships like for example my girl Sarah like she helped change my life a lot and I give her her flowers all the time because her personality her character her being first of all her meeting first of all her meeting me where I was at and not judging me but also like you said holding me accountable and having those deep conversations with me and let me know you're not angry Mariah you're you're hurt about something absolutely you're mad about this but you're but it's because you're hurt about this and you don't want people to see that. You know you you just put on this barrier you know so I feel like having those people that care enough about you to see you who for who you truly are and pull those good parts out of you is so important because without those type of people I don't think I would be who I am today you know if I never came across those type of people.

SPEAKER_00

You know and some people are just around you because like let's talk about manipulation that's a whole nother topic but like they will manipulate you into whatever whatever to be completely honest like friends, family to fulfill their needs and their weeds yeah so it's like being cognizant of that.

SPEAKER_02

Yes trying to discern that trying to maneuver that as well so definitely had to you know go through life and its ebbs and flows to really feel like okay I learned let me be aware open my eyes God open my ears yeah like let me yeah yeah for sure experiencing things yourself will change your perspective because sometimes people can tell you a lot of things but it took me like losing opportunities losing relationships losing uh people I really cared about you know it really took all those things for me to even see that there was an issue you know because sometimes if you if people like you said if everyone around you is is just amping you up and making you feel like you're that girl you know you don't know that there's something wrong until you know you know have you ever realized after the fact that someone wasn't really the person you were upset with like in the moment you were going off and then you're like wait I'm sorry you're not even who I'm mad at.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely I feel like it happens it happens more times than I think realize it you know what I'm saying um just because I want to say maybe for the past couple years I've just been in a from my presence haven't been present so sometimes when you're not present maneuvering you're literally just going so you're gonna get this you might get this you might get this and then some people might get the soft the sweet the feminine the all the other things so yeah and that's why I feel like that's why everybody has like different perceptions of people because you might not get the same version that another person gets.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely and that's why it's so hard to really know someone's true character and that's why it's so it's so important for you not to judge people off of one um encounter or one circumstance because you really don't know if that's really their character. This could have just been a bad day they were having this could have been a bad year they were having absolutely because I know that shoot there's probably people that met me two years ago and was like she is a bitch like I don't like her and it's like but now they probably be like oh my god like she's so uplifting she's so supportive like you know what I'm saying so I feel like it also be willing to let go and to you know forgive and like I said meet people where they're at because sometimes it just takes that one person to see see that that's not who you truly are because sometimes we don't even think we should grow because we feel like nobody's gonna accept our growth. Nobody's gonna be like oh well she's she's not like that anymore so like you know but they're just gonna keep reminding you so you're like you know maybe I'll just stay a bitch then you know but no you should always want growth for yourself not just for other people you know but it will help your relationships moving forward as well um is misplaced anger more about emotional immaturity unhealed trauma or something else all of the above I believe that once you it's different for everybody but you have to get down to the root of it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah you have to get down to the root of your emotions where things are stemming from when it happened how it happened you have to get to the root of it I always say like you have to feel it in order to heal it.

SPEAKER_02

Um I can attest to that because that's something I was in I was stuck in I was stuck in a cycle of like like kind of like realizing it but then unrealizing it like oh yeah maybe I should grow up at this part grow at this part and then I'm like wait no this is not my fault like no I'm just gonna this is your fault you know projecting onto other people letting other people dictate my emotions like you know letting other people pull out parts of me that I knew I've grown from you know I'm saying it's just stuck in that cycle and I was like you know what this is only gonna stop if I make it stop you know if I choose to be in control of my own emotions my own body everything that I'm feeling and learning how to express what I'm feeling because that's something I really struggled with and that's why I had so much inside of me because I just want to be strong all the time.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

How much does pride or ego play into blaming the wrong person? I feel like it 80 90% of it to be honest for sure for sure I had a big ego thing like I told you I was very arrogant I felt like it was a trauma response for me like you know what nobody cared about my feelings so I don't care about nobody else's feelings and it was really just like I'm right and I feel like that is a big part like pride and ego is a big part of why you treat people the way you do and don't really feel remorse because you feel like they either deserve it or like you tell yourself that and you tell you make excuses for your behavior and you just you put yourself as like this is my world and nobody else is in it. And I feel like that is just a big arrogance thing. So like I do agree I feel like it's almost like you said 90% like the reason other other than unhealed trauma and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00

It's like lack of emotional intelligence because to believe that the world just revolves around you to believe that everything is me me I I I I I what world are you living in? You know how many people come on like that it's just not realistic.

SPEAKER_02

It's not realistic so you gotta get out of that bubble you gotta get out of like self and I feel like it's hypocritical at in a stance too because you those be the same people that expect everyone else to cater to their emotions and to understand where they're coming from and their perspective but they can't do that for other people. So it's like it make it make sense like if you want empathy if you want sympathy if you want support you have to give that to other people and you're not so if you can't that's kind of like just gaslighting at that point. Because it's like why the hell are you why do you expect so much out of me and you can't give me a drop of empathy you know like it's just kind of sad. But you know I do feel like it's not like I'm not judging I'm just I've been there we we we talking from personal experience like but we just saying like that is a big part of it you know um why do you think accountability is so difficult when emotions are involved because it's hard to see ourselves it's hard for some people it's hard to accept truth and if we're being honest we're not right all the time would you like to be right all the time?

SPEAKER_00

Of course so I feel like it's hard it's hard to digest it's hard to accept it it's hard to sit in it for a little bit um and then you got a game plan I I want to say it's best a game plan with yourself or with God whatever you believe in per se um to then figure out how to move forward and to not be that way. So I do just believe that like it's a it's a lot everything has to do with like self. Like can I accept myself am I actually is it okay for me to be wrong? Like is it okay for somebody else to correct me? Do I know how to receive that and digest it and actually comprehend it without projecting maybe playing victim or like dislaiming other person thinking that they judging you when whole time they see you for you. It's hard to see ourselves I'm as it's 90 90% of the world don't see themselves. We live in a world where everything is like perfect. Yeah it's a show it's false performance we see glimpse glimpses of performances and we think that that's life and that's not everything that we see is not real. It's not I've always been somebody of like what you see is not real. Yeah do not believe what you see like believe what you feel I'm very intuitive and it goes up and down sometimes but I'm I don't believe a lot of things I don't like everything that that glitter and go.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah I truly wholeheartedly believe that because everything everything is made to look pretty and that's why I literally started this podcast because I like to talk about things that are not glitz and glam that are not the popular topics that are not the things that are just gonna give me viral clicks and I feel like they're so undertalked about and people just feel like everyone is perfect and nobody's going through what they're going through. And that's why mental health is so messed up right now because everybody just feels like what they see on Instagram is real and they have to measure up to that and I just want them to see like I I'm looking I'm on camera and all that but look this is what I'm going through. Absolutely this is what I've come from this is what I'm still going through you know and it's like on top of that like even believing in God like when I was young when I was arrogant and all that I used to be like I don't believe God is real. He wouldn't be letting me go through all these things he wouldn't I wouldn't be in so much pain. I wouldn't be in this abusive relationship I wouldn't be in this abusive household I wouldn't be like you know I would just blame all my circumstances of the world onto him and it's like what you just said was so real don't believe in what you see believe in what you feel and I had to remember like I always felt something there protecting me in some sort of way or form. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00

So that's why that I feel like what you said was so real because a lot of times we just believe in everything we see but we don't think about that gut feeling that we get when we're when we're looking at that or when we're we're seeing those people behave the way they're behaving like do you do you see that and and feel connected to that or do you or do you just see it and want to be that absolutely you know oh that's so real like you do you literally give me chills when you said that um what does it do to a relationship when someone is constantly on the receiving end of misplaced anger I feel like it begins to just deteriorate like you weaken people's trust you weakens people like their trust in you their faith in you their just ability to just show up and how they love you. Yes you know what I'm saying you you then you start to receive love like hardened like they dish and out what you give to them. You know what I'm saying? Now you actually like it gets it gets tough. It gets really really really tough so yeah or they disconnect from you completely.

SPEAKER_02

Absolutely like I'm gonna get real vulnerable I have a situation where I had to cut somebody out my life that is very very close to me but it was to a point where for years and years this year since I can count this person has just put all their problems onto me and projected all their anger onto me no matter how supportive I was no matter how loving I was and I at one point I just have to tell myself like I'm not no one's punching bag. You know what I'm saying? And and you have to tell yourself that just because you love somebody doesn't mean you can't love them from a distance. Just because you know like sometimes that sometimes it takes that for people to grow and self-reflect. Absolutely so sometimes don't look at it as I'm I'm gonna hurt this person or I'm gonna I'm I don't want them to think they don't I don't love them. Let them think what they're gonna think because they're gonna think what they think no matter what but you know what you know and I know how my how pure my heart is I know the love that I have for that person. So I don't have to prove that by sticking around and dealing with trauma more trauma than I've you know I've already grown I'm I'm already growing from my childhood trauma. I don't want to keep putting myself in situations where I just feel misused all the time you know like that's just not fair to to you as a person especially if you're trying to grow absolutely and I feel like it was pulling out old parts of me that I did not like like you said giving it back dishing it back out.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah and I think the hardest part is like you detaching from a person or whatever the case may be it's it's hard to I've detached from people that like love bad. Yes like would never whatever um based upon just being in different seasons of my life to just be like this isn't fair to the both of us. Yeah it's not fair to the both of us to whatever space you are in life that you think that this may be okay or that you just maybe haven't learned yes how to maneuver. Yes. How to be accountable how just different character development you know what I'm saying so I think that like detaching from someone or something that you may love wholeheartedly deeply maybe unconditionally I think that's that's harder because you're walking away from maybe all that you know all that you felt and do you really want to probably not no but is it what's best for you absolutely and I do believe that like absence is required for sometimes you gotta I'm it sounds bad but like I go cold turkey with a lot of things like I go cold turkey and like when I was doing like I used to cut people off cut them off. Straight and from a simple point of like yes that hurt my feelings yes this was wrong or maybe I don't know how to communicate with you maybe I don't even know how to deal with this but I know that like enough is enough per se um and I used to feel shame about it. Because I do believe that people do need closure yes and people do need to like you know just that just that safe space to just be like okay this is enough you go this way you go that way but then also to just be like no no like you're better than this I'm better than this this is where you are and I love you regardless. To walk away from something and to not have no animosity no envy no hate no nothing in your heart just pure that's always my ultimate goal. I would just hate to at this big old age I would hate to just be like cutting off connections or relationships that I built just because you upset me. Yeah yeah I agree if it's something deeper than that and we can't have a conversation about it then okay.

SPEAKER_02

That's real. And I feel like that that's when you know when you have to cut it off though like if you don't even feel comfortable to express you know I'm saying because I feel like in my case that like it's like how many times am I gonna tell you that you're hurting me. You know what I'm saying for you to just not care. You know what I'm saying? Like I I and especially like you said like we're grown and at some point you have to be accountable for your own actions. And we can't just continue to blame how hard life is and how this is and this is we have to be self-accountable and self-aware of how we're treating other people especially when they're telling you you know I'm saying when they're telling you that you're hurting them and you're you're claiming to love people you're claiming to want people in your life treat them that way. Treat them like you want them in your life like you said you're gonna make mistakes but for example like if me and my best friend get into it or if she feels like I said something a little judgy or a little like she can call me out on that and that's not gonna end our friendship and it's not gonna make me gaslight her into thinking that how she feels it's not what she feels. A real friendship knows how to just wow I hurt you even though I didn't mean to wow like I'm sorry that that was that's not my intention and that it I will do better next time. You know what I'm saying? But that's real friendship. And I feel like we get in this world where we feel like real friendship is enabling and just allowing you to be whoever you are no matter how it affects me. Loyal loyal that's not loyalty that's not love that's not respect like anybody who respects you wants you to operate at your highest frequency. Nobody wants you to be down in the dumps creating all this chaos for yourself and others. Nobody would want that for anybody that they love. So I feel like true love and and just respect comes down to just caring about how the other person feels and how you're affecting them.

SPEAKER_00

Consideration I always say consideration is the highest form of love for me.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you. Consider me consider me consider me.

SPEAKER_00

And that's just like in like especially in friendships. Yes especially in like partnerships especially just like in any type of intimate relationship you know what I'm saying and that's platonic as well all of it is of it all consider me.

SPEAKER_02

That's it for sure consider consider how everything just affects not only me but both of us you know I'm saying because half the time you're not just hurting me you're hurting yourself. Absolutely yeah um do you think love sometimes causes people to tolerate behavior they shouldn't like I know we just talked about that like I think that's one of the main reasons we tolerate things that we don't accept because you love people so much that you think you can love them into changing or you think you can love them out of those dark spaces but really people have to want to be better.

SPEAKER_00

I feel like love kind of blinds you it like blurs your vision a little bit your senses and stuff like that from all the emotions that is um entangled into it. Yeah. Depending on it doesn't have to be a relationship it can be friendships. It can be completely platonic. Yeah it can just be in your daily encounters it could be with coworkers. The relationship I feel like it doesn't really matter but I do feel like if you have any form of love for somebody you can be blind to somebody's ways way of life way of thinking way of being until you like separate yourself get still get quiet and really just be real. Like the veil has to be lifted at some point in time. Yeah. For you to be real with yourself and for you to see what's actually in front of you. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02

And I feel like it's an empathy thing too because like when you love someone and you know what they've been through or you know like you know these things then you make excuses over and over again for their behavior. You like oh well maybe it's because of this you know and they never learned this and but then it's like I have to I have to look at myself and be like wow like you've been through this you've been through that and you've grown from that because you've chosen to grow from that. Absolutely so it's like at some point I do have to hold you accountable. You know I can't just keep making excuses because of love and that's why I say love is the ultimate consideration and love and respect all go hand in hand and you can't just love somebody out of trauma. You can't just love somebody out of treating people bad. Like they're good they have to see it and they have To want better for themselves. So yeah, I agree. It'll resurface. It always like a cycle.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Um, at what point should someone set boundaries with a person who is projecting onto them? And I feel like I said something about this. Like, I feel like it's when you feel like there's no conversation that can be had. Like when you constantly bring this up or say you do express how you feel and it gets shot down or you're gaslit in that moment. I feel like that is when you know it's like, okay, maybe it takes separation, maybe it takes isolation, you know, from that person for them to see the good that you put in their life. Because sometimes people just will act like you you you're nothing good to them. Like I said, projecting all that misplaced anger onto you and whole time you're the mo number one support system for them. So I feel like maybe sometimes isolating from them is the best thing. But yeah, I would say it's when you just there's no conversation to be had.

SPEAKER_00

I believe that, and this is not something that I practice. This is something that I want to start practicing. But I honestly believe that boundaries should be set in place the first time you see it. Like the first time you see something that may just shift your energy or may raise a little bit of question or anything like that. I do believe as adults, yes, um, this big old age, I like to say, because I love how that sounds. We wrong. We should just be able to just be like, hey, this, this, this, this, this, depending on the situation, depending on all the things. But I do believe, like, at first sight, lay your boundaries out. I always say put yourself, I like to put myself in a position to be like, lay it out all on the table. Yeah. So then I'm giving you choice, I'm giving you free will opportunity to then choose. Because as long as I'm vocal enough with you where my boundaries are, where my wants, where the needs, in any type of relationship is, that is now your choice. And then now for me is to discern how you maneuver with what I've given you. And going back to this fact of like like consideration is the highest form of love, will you consider the fact of these are my boundaries? Well, that's because I don't want to give somebody the opportunity to like, okay, I caught it. You did it again. Third time's a charm. Now let me say something. Because I feel like I've done that prior. And I've given too many times too many opportunities. Yeah. And then I put myself in a position where it's like, should I say something now? Or I'm gonna let her get me on a good day and she's gonna just hear it all. You know, I don't feel like that's fear. I feel like at that point in time it's manipulation. Yes. I know what I'm doing. Yes, and I know that like I know what I'm capable of doing. So that's not fair to you. Yeah. So let me just lay it out on a table because I love you and I care about you, and I don't want this to go any further. Yeah. So let's just lay it on the table now, and then let's see where it goes from there. Right. Because then it'll you'll be able to discern, you should be able to discern how to maneuver forward afterwards.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I feel like that's a big reason why also like when you do come to people after they then did something to you four, five, seven, eight times and you let it slide, it's hard for them to take accountability because they're like, Well, you didn't like you've never expressed this before. Like you've never expressed this before. But if the first time they did that to you and you're like, I don't accept that. That is not okay. I won't be talking to this way, you know, I I need this type of respect or whatever. I, you know, like when you set those boundaries from forefront, it's easier for people to respect you because they know they know who they're dealing with. You know what I'm saying? But like you said, when they don't know who they're dealing with, it kind of comes off as manipulation, like, oh, you waited to tally up all these reasons. Yeah. Like it's like kind of like you're you're writing down in your playbook how many times it takes for you to cut them off, or like it's like you're waiting for that opportunity. And it's like you have to give people the opportunity to meet you where you're at, see, see what they're doing wrong, and grow from that. So that's real. How can people start identifying the real source of their anger?

SPEAKER_00

Sitting with themselves.

SPEAKER_02

Gotta go see my girl.

SPEAKER_00

I think we have to I truly think we have to sit with ourselves. We just gotta sit with ourselves, sit with ourselves when we're upset, sit with ourselves after a conversation, after our argument, after anything that may have just shifted our spirit any form of way, whether it made you sad, whether it made you mad, or anything to that capacity, sit with yourself. That can literally just be for five minutes. Five minutes can be long. It can be long. And I am, I believe in silence, I believe in stillness. Um because we're always moving, probably going in this, that and a third, or we need to hear something, a beat, a something like that. Watch something, yes. No, no distractions, just sit with yourself. Write it down, say it out, go outside, get in touch with yourself. I think that will just help you.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. I feel like uh yoga really helped me a lot. Like when I started doing yoga and stuff, that helped me a lot. Like as far as like just balancing my emotions, especially in the mornings, like before I would go to work and stuff, like doing that before I even like touch my phone or do anything like that, it really helped me ground myself and figure out how I wanted my day to be and not to let anybody, you know, dictate how I'm gonna move about my day, how I'm gonna react to things when it doesn't go my way. That helped me a lot. So if you're someone who struggles with like, you know, what like you you're you're having a good morning and then you get to work and somebody says something wrong to you and oh, I have a bad day. Like I was one of those people, and I had to figure out what worked for me. Like I need to, I noticed that slower mornings work for me. Like when I take my time in the morning and I do something that pours into me and it makes me feel good and it makes me feel happy, and you know, like I get to work and it's like I have more empathy, I have more patience, I have more, you know, just I'm able to see things for what it is, but also just move on from them and forgive and not be so stuck in emotions that I feel like aren't good for me, you know? Like it just messes up my day, and now I'm just putting that everything that that person just did to me, I'm putting that onto everybody else. When I just woke up and I was having a great morning, like, you know, like so just having control of your emotions all starts with that stillness, and you know. So go see my girl too, because she's gonna she gonna get you right. Um do you think emotional intelligence can be learned or does it come naturally with life experience? Or do you think it can be taught to someone?

SPEAKER_00

I believe emotional intelligence can be learned and taught, um, but it does come through experience. If you weren't, if you haven't grown up around people who are emotionally intelligent, yeah, to know if you don't do the self-work to maybe read a book or to figure out what is emotional intelligence. Let's figure out the definition, let's figure out what this looks like. Let's try to put this in practice. What does this look like for me? Not for this person in this book or this personal television. What does this look like for me? I feel like yeah, so it can be learned, it can be taught. Um, but I all believe that it does come through experience because sometimes you can read about you can read something and be like, okay, I like this, and then it's time to put it in a play. And you're like, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and it's hard. Like, you read the book let them and it took me a while to actually start practicing those models.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Mm-hmm. So it's easy, it's easy to learn about something, but like I believe life experience in itself is gonna put you to the test of actually figuring out have you been able to let them you've been able to put into practice what you learned. I feel like a lot of times we're gonna learn. We may learn, we may pick up on things, anything like that. But you put into practice what you learned. Last year I did a um I did a course, I did a leadership course. And it was something just about networking, just in business and stuff like that. I really was trying to get P's and Q's. Yeah. Just learning and just uplifting, trying to elevate my like business portfolio, my network. And I'm like, okay, leadership, leadership, leadership, leadership. After I did a leadership course, I did three more courses. I had to slow myself down and say, Ayana, why are you doing all these courses? What have you put into practice? You're gonna learn whatever you want to. It's easy for me, it's easy to learn. I love knowledge, I love information, I'm always seeking it. But when am I gonna put it into practice? When I'm faced with something, no. So I've been on a quest to like if I'm learning something, if I'm trying to do something, giving myself that time to put it into practice.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Wow. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, like you said, I I struggled with that too. Like just retaining all these self-help books and all these knowledge and stuff like that. And then I'm like, wait, I love a self-help. Right. But it's like you have to practice using those things, you know. Like, if you don't practice, then it's really just words going in one ear and out the other. It's just like watching something and just not letting it resonate with you. You know, you have to sit with it, you have to practice it. Like you said, what does this look like for me? Because everybody looks, everybody looks at things differently and it's different for everybody. So you do have to find your place in it. And yeah, that's something I've I feel like I found a good balance with now. Like one, giving myself grace and knowing that I'm doing the work and at least I'm accountable and self-aware. Because I feel like, like you said, a lot of people lack that right now. So it's like I'm just happy that I'm at a place where I'm even able to be teachable. I'm not sure. If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02

Um, but I do agree. I feel like it's it's a it's you learn with that with life experiences because, like I said, people were telling, like, I've met my friend Sarah, and she was telling me certain things that you know, like she feels like I should work on, but at the same time telling me things that she thinks are great about me. And I feel like that helped me like become self-aware. But I had to do the work. Absolutely. I had to go through life and start in that moment catching myself. Oh, you're doing this now. Oh, this is what that's happening right now. Okay, this is what you're feeling, you know? And I had to do that work. So even though I was made aware, I had to do the work. So either way, it I feel like it goes hand in hand. You could teach yourself or someone can teach you, but you have to want to to learn and grow with it, you know? So yeah, I do agree. How do we hold ourselves accountable without drowning in guilt for past behavior?

SPEAKER_00

We gotta it's a level of grace and forgiveness that comes with it. You gotta be, yeah, you have to be like you have to give yourself grace. I feel like we most times people are their worst critics. So we can state this, this, this, this, that, and a third, maybe incorrect or areas in which we want to, like areas of concern per se. Um, but then you also have to give yourself grace to be like, okay, well, I just like I said, I just learned this. So let me actually give myself some time to put it into practice. And time, you may not be able to put a cap on the time. You may not be able to say 30 days, 60 days, 75 days, 90 days.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Like, I feel like life and God will humble you in a way of like, okay. And then you may just get like this burst and be like, I'm free, enough is enough. You get what I'm saying? So I think it just comes with like a level of grace and forgiveness you gotta have with yourself because you have to want to do it, you have to be willing with yourself, and then on the journey to forgiveness, like you have to, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Like you said, grace and like just knowing that you're not the only one. Like everybody, like, I feel like that's really the thing. Like, everybody thinks that they're the only ones suffering with these thoughts and these feelings, or feeling like they're not doing enough, or they're not being, you know, a better person, or they're not being the best version of themselves. But like, we all face those thoughts. We all, even the best of people that I know still face the thought of am I doing enough? Am I growing enough? Am I am I putting enough into myself to grow? And I feel like that's just a natural human reaction to have, a natural human thought to have. Like, and that just shows, first of all, that shows enough, like, like give yourself a pound of back for even thinking that because that you know how many people walk through life and they do not care about, you know, like anything that is going on. They just they just going, you know. So just be happy that you are aware of those things and you even think about those things because that is a true testament to character as well. Absolutely. Like, like I said, people don't be caring.

SPEAKER_00

You also have to celebrate like the wins, the wins, the little things, all the things. You have to I'm huge on romanicize your life. Yes, romanicize it. So, whatever it looks like for you, I live for myself. At the end of the day, I was born alone. I will die alone. So it's like, how am I creating this life for myself? How do I love this life for myself? How do I love myself? You know what I'm saying? So, yes, celebrate them. Yes, be happy, be happy about it. Yeah, in the little things. You had a good day.

SPEAKER_02

Yes, because it'd be hard. I do. I'd be so happy when I have a whole good day. Because I'd be like, wow, like you really got through this day without cussing nobody out, getting the attitude, nothing.

SPEAKER_01

Like, okay.

SPEAKER_00

How far you've come, you know how hard that is. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes we like mislook those things. We had a good week, we had a good day, we we we got good grades, yeah, we got dean's list. Like, you know, like like acknowledge that that's big. You deserve to rec be recognized for that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, and I feel like, like you said, like self-love is a big thing because I feel like that plays into how we really talk to ourselves, you know, like like make sure you're talking nicely to yourself and reminding yourself of all the good things about you. Like, yes, you have things to grow from, but you have things that maybe make you stronger than others, or maybe make you more resilient than others, or maybe make you just it makes you, yeah, literally, and and that's something I had to do too. Like, because I think that's another reason why I had so much misplaced anger. From growing up in such a trauma-filled environment, you begin to think that you are that trauma and you are that person, and you are that evil, mean person all the time. But there's parts of you that are beautiful that are that people love, you know, because it you know, like, and I feel like that's something I had to learn and reteach myself. Like, you're worthy to be loved, you're worthy to be seen, you're worthy to be a part of these rooms. You know what I'm saying? So be be nice to yourself in the way you speak to yourself, be kind, you know, and just remind yourself of who you are, girl. You were that girl, like you that boy, you know, you that man, you know, you have to like talk that way to yourself. Like, just be kinder to yourself. In this hard world, you have to. What advice would you give to someone who realizes they may have hurt someone who didn't deserve it?

SPEAKER_00

Apologize. Like, apologize to yourself. Uh allow yourself to acknowledge what you may have done. Yeah, allow yourself to just see it and go right your wrongs. No, I don't believe that there's no time frame. And I know this may be different for other people, but I don't believe that there's no time frame. If you if you can see that, okay, alright, girl, that was not that was not right. Or I didn't say this right, or you know what? Something I'm big on, like if something was placed on my heart, if something was placed in my spirit, I need to acknowledge it. I need to make amends with it, I need to make it right. Apologize to yourself, forgive yourself, acknowledge what you have done, forgive yourself, but then for like go to the person because they need closure as well. Yeah, whether they want to believe it or not, they need closure as well. That ego may be big, and that's also a good lesson for you to learn. Yes. Cause to step up to that, to acknowledge that, to right your wrong to whatever capacity, to whoever it may be, that takes some, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So I'm gonna just say, apologize to yourself and the person.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02

Um, I had a situation like that too, and and I didn't even realize how much it was, it would, it healed me. Like someone apologizing to me for something that I forgot that they even did, you know, like, and well, maybe I thought I forgot, but when they said it, when they apologized to me when they came to me without me asking for that forgiveness, it was like, first of all, it reminded me of the pain I felt in that moment, and then it also like relieved all those feelings because I was just like, wow, like you, you see, you see what you've done, and you and you're aware, and like that is just so healing for both parties. Like, I know that she walked away happier and I walked away happier because even if we don't get to be like this, we are we we know that there's still love and and a connection there, and you know, and we're able to see each other from where we were at and appreciate the the bond that was there, and we also can choose if we want to grow from that, you know. So I feel like that is just comes with growth too and maturity because sometimes when you're immature, you can't really hear anybody's apology, but do it for you. If you feel like it's gonna make you feel better, apologize to that person because you know what you have done and how it's affecting you. Don't do it to get that that um what's the word, validation from them. Do it because you want to feel better about yourself and how you carry yourself in the world, you know?

SPEAKER_00

And I think it's good to like that's why I say apologize to yourself. Yes. Because you may come across people that's not gonna forgive you.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

That still may be rough around the edges and still may get you feel like whatever that comes back from it. But as long as you forgive you, you're doing it for you. So it doesn't matter how anybody else reacts or responds. It's for you. That's it.

SPEAKER_02

Agreed, agreed. Wow, that was great advice. Um, before we close out this episode, I want to leave you with something to reflect on. Sometimes the anger we carry isn't really about the person standing in front of us, it's about pain we haven't processed, conversations we've avoided, or wounds we've we haven't fully understood yet. And unfortunately, the people who love us the most can end up receiving the weight of emotions that were never meant for them. But awareness is where change begins. Learning to pause and ask ourselves, what am I really feeling right now? can be the difference between damaging a relationship and deepening one. So whether you've been the person who misplaced your anger or the person who received it, I hope this conversation encourages you a little bit more to be a little bit more compassionate, take some accountability and self-reflect for all of us. Um, thank you so much for this conversation. It was so good. And I really, really appreciate it. It was very healing for me. It was very therapeutic, and I hope it can help our viewers as well. Um, I like to end the episodes doing my little segments, you know, Watched and Read, um, and self-reflection of the week. So we'll start with Watched and Read. Um, I'm why I'm reading right now uh The Housemaid because I didn't watch the movie yet. I'm gonna watch the movie after I read the book because I heard the movie was really, really good, and I heard the book was really, really good as well. So I'm reading the book, it's pretty good. I'm I'm like five chapters in, but it's pretty good, and I'm it's very intriguing. Um and I want to see, am I watching anything right now? No, I really haven't had time to watch anything. I've been busy, I've been work, you know, working, recording these episodes for y'all, so I haven't really been watching anything uh other than the episodes. So, how about you? What have you watched or read recently?

SPEAKER_00

I haven't read, but the last book that I was reading that I need to pick up. So, yeah, I'm gonna pick this up this week. The last book that I picked up was Um The Bait of Satan. I can't even tell you. I can't tell you the author. I'm so I'll find it. I'll find it. It's called The Bait of Satan. I can take a picture of it and I'll give it to you. Um Melody gave me this book. Yeah, changes love her bad. But um, but okay, so The Bait of Satan, that's that this was something that has been on my must-reads for two years. And then I picked it up, I read two chapters, and I put it down, and I gotta take it back up. So this week I'm gonna pick it back up just to show some speaking about it. Absolutely. So The Bait of Satan, that's really good. Um, just some two type chapters that I read. What I'm watching right now. I'm not really watching I'm not really watching the Thimpa podcast.

SPEAKER_02

So yeah. That's good, though. We on our you know, self-reflection, we're on our growth journey. We're not really, you know, into the the theatrics right now, but as long as you know you're doing you, and I'm really happy about your business. I feel like it's such needed in this community, and I love that you're very intentional about where you want to go with it and the experience you want to give to those people. So make sure y'all shout out to her and follow her and make sure you guys um support her business and book her because I'm gonna be in there first though. So don't book it before I do. But yeah, we're gonna do self-reflection of the week. So basically, like something that you've grown from that maybe has resurfaced recently, and you were like, dang, and you had to catch yourself, like what'd you think?

SPEAKER_00

Let me think, let me think, let me think.

SPEAKER_02

Why do you think I'm gonna tell them mine?

SPEAKER_00

Okay, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02

The other night, I want to say like two or three nights ago at work, uh, I was really impatient. Like they was taking forever to let me in the door, and I kind of felt like they were doing it purposely, but I don't know if they were or if it was just my trauma really like coming up, like people trying to be funny or people like I don't know, it just came up, it surface level. Then I kind of like had a mini blow up. I didn't blow up, but it was a mini blow up, and it was like I caught myself kind of immediately and I was just like, let it go. And I feel like that kind of goes back to like the misplaced anger thing. Like I was a little cranky, I didn't get enough sleep. And then like I got there and I felt like they were taking too long to like do what I needed them to do, whatever. So it was like I just had to sit with that and be like, it really wasn't even them that pissed me off. It was just I didn't take enough time out of my day to take care of myself, and now I came in here in this environment where I'm highly, you know, elevated in my emotions, and it's like I let it get the best of me for a second, but I I I quickly calmed myself down, and I feel like I just had to give myself grace because at first I was a little hard on myself. I was like, damn, you're a bitch, and then I was like, you know what? No, you're not a bitch, you know. You just you had a bad moment, but at least you're able to look at it and be like, that was a bad moment, you know. So that was mine.

SPEAKER_00

Okay, so my self-reflection was I feel like lately I've been busy, so I've been boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, and I don't like that. Um, I used to want to be booked and busy and boom boom boom boom. That's not the life that I desire for myself. Um, that's not the life God desires for me, to be completely honest. I am a slow and steady woman. Yeah, I'm a slow and steady girl. I love a slow morning, I love to just like ebb and flow, just ease into it. Yes, I love structure and to be productive per se, but when I get too much into boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, it disrupts my nervous system. So I realized that I was boom, boom, boom. Maybe for like three, four days last week. And going into the weekend, I was super intentional about girl, slow down, slow down and be really intentional. If you don't have to do it all, I like to, you know, weekends aren't. Kind of like your time if you really don't have too much to do per se. So I want to whole to-do list, girl, no to-do list. Two things. That's it.

SPEAKER_02

Period.

unknown

Period.

SPEAKER_00

I love that. So I slowed it down, and this weekend I just felt like that girl. Like I was just soft. I was feminine. I was laughable. I was just able to easily connect with people and just not free-float, but like float per se. So definitely had to catch myself because Hustle and Bustle was trying to get me, but I said no.

SPEAKER_02

I love that. And I love that you have you felt better at the end of that. You know, that's that's what it's all about. Just making sure you put yourself first, that mental health first, your body first, everything. Listen to your body, listen to your nervous system, you know. But remember, healing doesn't just come from understanding others, it comes from understanding ourselves. So thank you for being here. And I thank you guys so much for tuning in. Let them know again where they can follow you at innate elements. Yes. So business.

SPEAKER_00

Your personal page as well. Um Instagram is AnnateElements. You can find us at NAELM www.anateelements.com for ayana, anything to do with me, you can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at all things ayana38s.

SPEAKER_02

Here we and all that will be linked in the description. Make sure you you guys again follow me on Briar's Purpose. All the fitness content is coming back, um, self-love content, you know, doing my skincare, all that is coming back, you know, my get ready with me's all the stuff that I love, even more fashion content. And also follow us on TikTok because I need y'all to move over to Blunt Talks TikTok, get that algorithm up, support over there, and thank y'all again for tuning in. And we'll see you on the next episode.