Take Your Brain Back from Porn Addiction: How to Rewire It NOW

Continually going to pornography makes you less human. Your brain has been hijacked by porn. But neuroscience proves you can take it back.

In this episode, Nick and I break down the brain science behind porn addiction—and how to reverse it. Real, actionable steps you can start TODAY to rewire your neural pathways toward genuine freedom.

What you'll discover:

🧠 Why porn addiction is an intimacy disorder (and how your brain's attachment system keeps you stuck)

🔄 The replacement principle: Getting healthy dopamine without porn

👥 Building relational scaffolding when you have zero close friends

💭 The ABCs of cognitive restructuring: How automatic thoughts control your behavior

✍️ "Write it, think it, confess it" - The practice that rewires your belief system

🌱 The SEEDS framework: Five habits that change your brain without you realizing it

The hard truth: Continually going to pornography makes you less human. It isolates you and traps you in a cycle where you're trying to get the reward of intimacy without the risk.

The good news: Your brain has neuroplasticity. Those pathways can be weakened. New ones can be built. You can change.

CHAPTERS:00:00:00 - Introduction00:02:30 - Building Healthy Relationships (The Replacement Principle)00:07:15 - Why You Need Relational Scaffolding00:12:45 - The Neuroscience of Attachment & Oxytocin00:18:20 - How Porn Makes You Less Human00:22:10 - Practical Steps: Recovery Groups & Accountability00:26:40 - Cognitive Restructuring: Changing Your Thought Processes00:31:15 - The ABCs of Restructuring Your Brain00:36:50 - Write It, Think It, Confess It00:42:30 - The SEEDS Framework & Neuroplasticity00:47:00 - Take Action NOW

Key quote: "Your life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts." - Craig Groeschel

This is Part 3 of our neuroscience series. Listen to Parts 1 and 2 first for the full foundation.

FREE RESOURCES:📥 Quit Porn Quick Start Guide: rscky.com/quickstart or text 502-858-5859💬 Free community: rscky.com/community📞 Book a free call: rscky.com/get-started

Connect: @mikekamber & @nickwbuda on Instagram | rscky.com

Don't just listen—ACT. Download the guide. Reach out. Your brain rewires through action, not passive listening.

Subscribe and share with someone who's ready to take their brain back.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hey, welcome to the Restoration Skull Care podcast, where we have honest conversations about faith, neuroscience, and hope. I'm Michael Camper, a relationship and recovery coach.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

And I'm Nick Buda, a mental health and relationship coach. If you feel stuck in shame, addiction, or pain, you don't have to face it alone. Join us for some real stories, real tools, and a real path forward. Let's dive in.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Well, here we are. Welcome back to the Restoration Soul Care Podcast. We're back in studio today, again in a balmy 111 degrees studio. It's 20 degrees outside, and it's 100 degrees in here. Yeah. And it's not relative. It's literally just very hot in here. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

Well, major life update. Oh. Michael and I now have the same hair stylist? Barber? Uh what's the term? Enthusiast. Hair enthusiast? I'm just kidding. Hair extraordinaire.

unknown 1:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

No, mine moved away to my home state of Michigan. Yeah. And so now Michael and I, once connected at the same business, are now connected with the same person. So this individual moves or does something that changes, we're both in bad shape.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Yes. Uh in big picture, this is really helping us on our goal to just become the same basic looking white dude. So our hair will eventually start morphing together. We're getting there. Kind of quarter zip situation. Brown shoes. Look, we didn't even talk this morning about it. We're both married to women. I'll cut that out. Please don't. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Um our neuroscience series here. Yeah, get us back on track. Come on. We gotta get we gotta regroup. Uh we're excited that it's gonna culminate in this uh third episode, which we hope to finish today. So we'll see what happens. We're gonna do our darndest. We wanted to unpack some of the neuroscience behind uh porn addiction and compulsive sexual behavior because it really informs our healing process. And I would even say a stronger way of addressing that is unless you are addressing these factors informed by neuroscience, you're probably not gonna walk towards lasting freedom.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

Do you disagree with that? No, I don't. And before we get too deep in the weeds, I want to talk about this real quick. Ooh, yeah. Speaking of informed, speaking of the case. Speaking of informed practices. Hey, uh, I gave away some of these last week after that episode aired, and I was super excited about that. Oh now. Um what I didn't tell everybody is that I ordered more of these than I said I was giving away. So let's give some more of these away. So if that's you and you want to dip your toe into how do I get started of quitting pornography, I mean, look at the same thing. Well, look, I was just gonna say the win is very, very chewable. Don't let that deter you because the quality is excellent, Nick would say. Yeah. Uh but I mean this we tried I tried to make this as simple and as easy as I possibly could to get started.

SPEAKER_02 3:11

So listen, most guys are not gonna pick up a textbook or even a huge chapter book on recovery. They're like, give me some practical steps. Yep. And you did an awesome job with that. Well, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

I appreciate you saying that. Uh if that if that even feels like too much to text me to get one of these, you can go to the website rscky.com backslash quick start, and you can just download it for free. You don't have to talk to anybody.

SPEAKER_02 3:33

Yeah. Might as well get a PDF.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Might as well get a PDF. You can draw on it. You can um put clip art on it. You put click clip art. Clippy.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

I was just using him as a apple sticker the other day. So R.I.P. R I P is that really his name, Clippy? I think so. The paper clip. Yeah. The giant eyes. Yep. All right. Today. Back on track. Here we go. We want to give you four neuroscience-informed strategies or practical steps. Practical steps, I like that. That uh that can really, I would even say, skyrocket uh your recovery in terms of building lasting sobriety and uh obviously addressing what's going on in your brain-body connection. Here, here's the first one, and man, it sounds super simplistic, but we're gonna unpack it. And it's the whole idea of cutting your ties with porn, making a hard line in the ground and saying, I'm done, no more. No more. Not even a little bit. Uh you could use the term abstinence, seems kind of formal to say that. Uh, but whatever imagery you have in your mind, I kind of think of like, okay, I'm burning the bridge, I'm done, no more. Even though I may feel a desire to do it, I've made a mental decision in my brain to say, no more.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

Yeah. It's not just I'm quitting today, it's a hard line in the sand, like you said, swearing it off, I'm done with porn, I'm done.

SPEAKER_02 5:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

No more.

SPEAKER_02 5:04

And here's why we're starting here and why this is maybe arguably the most important one, is because unless you starve that uh chemical to action reinforcement, right? So unless you stop looking at pornography and releasing those chemicals and making those connections stronger and stronger, you're really just gonna be accommodating to that same brain structure throughout your life. Yep. Um same hormones are gonna be crying out, same connections are still gonna be looking to be reinforced. So, really, what we're looking to do is I get the image of like demolishing a structure. Like we're just trying to clear the building site. Yeah. Like let's start fresh. But maybe let's let's go back to uh the episode we talked about um baselines. Yep. So we said your brain is looking to establish a healthy baseline. It looks a little bit different for everybody, but what a healthy baseline does is allows you to be um able to use both parts of your brain, your front part of your brain and your limbic system. And it allows you to do that in such a way where you're not forced through a huge wave of chemicals to be to feel a certain way or to have your body respond a certain way. Clinical term is homeostasis. Homeostasis. Homeostasis for homeosapiens. Homo sapiens.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

My I'm gonna derail this for just a second because this just came to mind. My original exposure to the word homeostasis was from a little film from the mid to early 90s, I believe, called Biodome. With Polly Shore and I love that movie, dude.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

No, it's Polly Shore and uh Brendan Fraser.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

It's not Brandon Fraser.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

Not Brandon Fraser, uh no.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

It's one of the Baldwin brothers. Fact check guys. Bro, check me on this.

SPEAKER_02 6:58

No, who's the guy? He was also in Oh my well, okay, we're gonna find this out.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

We'll keep talking. There's uh yeah. The premise of the movie is that they get stuck in this uh what do you call it? A bio Yeah, like a biome. A biome, that that might be the word, where it's like an artificial enclosed rainforest system on Earth Day, they get sort of trapped in there, and the computer over the loudspeaker keeps telling that it's trying to reach homeostasis. But of course, these two buffoons, and they're totally just wrecking it like they're urinating into the the water river and they're leaving like uh beef jerky rappers laying around and just random stuff. One of the scientists who were there legitimately goes mad. It's just a goofy movie. Uh, it's I'm not saying classic. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, classic crass, goofy 90. Well, it's probably short. By the way, I need to learn to trust you more.

SPEAKER_02 7:50

It was definitely Stephen Bulber. So a win again for Michael Camber. Yep, that's right. Homeostasis in the brain. But we're talking about healthy, natural release of neurotransmitters. So the same ones that we referenced, go back and listen to the episode, please, uh, so we don't repeat everything here. Let me just focus in, especially dopamine is not we're not riding these huge, super normal ranges and then crashing really low. We actually have a manageable up and down cycle that is very um edifying to live through. So that uh regulation cannot happen unless there's first a period of what we would say is abstinence or uh cut and ties completely. Yep. Um here's a question. Can you go through like physical withdrawal symptoms with pornography?

SPEAKER_00 8:46

For sure. For sure, man. It's like any well, like a couple episodes ago, we talked about the word dependency. Yep. And w anytime you develop a dependency upon a dependency upon a thing, a substance, a habat a habit. Gosh, I cannot talk. A habat. What's a habat? Habakkuk. Habakkuk, yeah. Habakkuk. Habak Excuse me. Anytime you develop a dependency upon something and then that thing is removed, you go through a withdrawal phase because your brain, your body are used to this thing that now doesn't exist. Yeah. Right? It would sort of be like if you broke a leg and were you were using crutches, and before your leg had fully strengthened and developed so that it could stand on its own again, somebody just walked up and kicked your crutch away and said, Hey, look, now you don't have this crutch thing. Yeah. You can just you can just walk now. And you're like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Now I have nothing to lean on. So of course I'm gonna fall over and not walk. Yeah. And my leg's gonna hurt more now.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

So And I let me break this down. We we like telling guys about this not because it's like good news or happy news or enjoyable to think about, but because it's not gonna kill you. Right. So like here's what we say most of the time, if you're true to your abstinence, you're not even messing around or you know, playing around the fence or stimulating some of that through arousal or triggers. If you're really being disciplined to abstain from uh any form of like sexual arousal outside of a healthy marriage relationship, usually that withdrawal and and what does it look like practically? Sometimes it's low energy. I've even heard people report um headaches, um, even some other somatic body symptoms like pain in certain areas. But most of it's mood. Yeah, have you mood energy? Uh I've heard of sleep disruption. Yeah. Um a lot of those things. Have you ever tried to quit caffeine?

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Oh, yeah. Probably similar.

unknown 10:36

Headaches.

SPEAKER_02 10:36

Somewhat relatable, yeah. Snuppiness. Yeah, Divi chemicals, very good analogy uh for another connection. Um But here here's the good news. Like the vast majority, this is actually uh proven in studies, is to re-regulate, right, to your healthy baseline, generally can take about two weeks. Just two weeks. Yep. And that's pretty quick. It is in the long term of things, two weeks when you're feeling like crap, I get it. Hey, it sucks. And we're gonna talk in a second how to uh walk through that. But at the same time, it's like I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like if I feel crappy for two weeks, but knowing that I've accomplished something super epic, like I've restored my or at least made my baseline a little bit more flexible, man, it's so worth it that we we say please just stick with it. Stick with it. Um yeah. Let's talk about maybe some some of those practical things that can sustain a person through that struggle period. Yeah. What comes to mind first when you work with guys in coaching? What do what do you recommend?

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Well, uh to piggyback on what you just said, I think it's really helpful to set expectations. If I can say, here's what you're gonna experience in the next few weeks, it helps people sort of go, okay. So when I hit a wall and I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind because I'm grumpy, I'm angry, I'm withdrawing, this is expected. It's part of the plan. You can say this is normal, okay. We can plan on this. It gives you a little extra fuel in the tank to go, okay. This is part of the plan. I can I can work the plan. And what I also try to teach you guys early on is when we're going through this, there is um I didn't come up with this, but there's so much truth to it. It's we call it the 90-second urge window. Most of those urges to um chase the dopamine or go to pornography use rise and fall and sort of crest like a wave and then come back down within about 60 to 90 seconds. Yeah. So if you can just take a deep breath and be present to what you're experiencing in that space, even just saying out loud, man, I really feel like going to porn right now, or man, I really feel like masturbating, and just sit and be patient with that. Um you will gain so much in terms of like what we talked about, like rewiring some of those pathways. Here's what I'm not saying. I'm not saying just sort of grit your teeth and power through and ignore the urge and stay on auto autopilot and try to power through it. That's not what this is. You do that, you'll wind up back in porn. Being present to the urge, the thing that's you feel like is disrupting you in the moment, paying attention to that, being present to it, is the path forward. When you can do that, you won't feel, I mean, you will feel the urge to chase the high, but you'll teach yourself in that moment. You'll tell your body, you'll tell your brain, we can survive this, it's okay. This urge isn't gonna kill me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:28

And I what I often partner with or have a side conversation with clients about is what does self-care actually look like? Like we use that term a ton, especially in our current culture of like maybe we're to honor self-care. And uh, and I think it's come become somewhat distorted in some conversations, but healthy self-care is giving yourself permission um to be in a state of need, yeah, right? In a state of I'm not feeling great, I don't have my same energy, I'm just kind of down today. Like honoring that, not feeling I have to hide it uh or avoid it or accommodate, but then also finding healthy ways to address it. So a lot of simplistic uh answers for healthy self-care is like just taking care of your body. So like if you're going through those two weeks and you're like, man, I'm just more tired, I have less energy, give yourself permission to take a nap or sleep longer. Um, give yourself permission to like I'm not feeling great today. I may take a an appropriate medicine, like ibuprofen or talentol. Um, or I'm gonna like take um some dig have some dignity for myself, and I'm still gonna like, I'm not gonna sleep and and stay in bed all day. I'm gonna maybe sleep a little bit more, but at the same time, I'm still gonna dress, go to work, be proud of myself, even though I'm not feeling 100% like take pride in my work or what I'm doing. Um, and maybe the most important one, which is gonna connect to another thing we're gonna talk about, but is staying connected to people. Yeah, so an integral part of self-care is I am known and connected to people who care about me uh and who are gonna walk with me, but also respect where I need space. So uh if in this two-week period you're living in isolation, that's not gonna not gonna be good. Not gonna work. So please try it. Like invite somebody into that season to say, hey, I'm really working on this step of cutting ties, resetting my baseline, brain baseline. Yeah. Um can you just check in on me? Can we talk? Maybe, you know, what whatever is most appropriate for that person. So bottom line, stay connected.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Yeah, and I like to encourage people out of the gate, and I just had this conversation meeting with a new client this week, that if you have a person in your life who's already sort of this accountability person, yeah, if you want to call it that, who you already have this relationship with where you can show up and tell the truth about yourself, it's a safe place. This is my person that I can trust with all of me. Yeah. And we start working through our relapse relapse prevention plan, looking at okay, well, if we relapse, here's our response to that. If we hit a trigger or one of our guardrails, here's our response to that. And what can feel overwhelming is somebody will say, I'm gonna be calling this person a lot in the next week. Yeah. And my response is, yeah, you are, and that's okay. Here's what I encourage people to do call them like before like the first thing you do when you leave my office, call them. Hey, uh, I'm working through this relapse prevention plan. I'm working with a coach. He's asked me to make sure I have somebody to check in with more regularly or more frequently this week. Yes. Are you okay if I call you a few times a day more than normal to check in relapses or check in my triggers? And of course, that person's gonna say every time I've heard.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Absolutely. And and they feel honored and excited to do it.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yeah. Yeah. So then we've just removed this barrier of uh well, it's probably a shame barrier, right? I can't show up and call you because uh you're gonna think I'm a piece of crap. Yeah. Or I think uh think that about myself already. But when we overcome that, like you've just hewed a you just cross a huge barrier. That's a massive milestone because you've taken the you've um taken the courage to call those people when you don't want to, when you don't feel worthy. And then when that other person picks up the phone and says, Yeah, I'm here for you, we're reinfor we're reinforcing all of the good things that we need to transition to away from the old way of thought. And in that, I love the word uh trainable, like we're training, because you trained your way into pornography use, and now we're training our way out of it. Exactly. And actually, yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

I was just gonna say it that same point. I know what you feel, it feels like you're not doing anything. You're just like, okay, I'm not going to pornography, but here's what your body is doing in the background. It's naturally saying, oh man, we're not getting those highs, those waves anymore. So it's naturally increasing those needed neurochemicals. Yes. Like you're naturally increasing your natural production of uh serotonin, uh dopamine, all those ones that we mentioned. And it's beginning again to reassociate it with um, I can't help but use the word natural, but like things that are are meant to be uh the normal fulfillments of those things uh in everyday, not these supernatural or supernormal experiences. And again, I actually I would say too, be careful of um, even if you call it self-care, be careful of replacing porn with something else. Right. Because you're like, well, I'm just caring for myself. Uh two big examples that I've seen with clients is uh sunscreen fixation, video gaming movies, um, social media, they're like, well, it's not porn. Uh but at the same time, you're you're kind of escaping again and you're reinforcing that I'm dopamine dependent on these things. The other thing that's I've seen most common is food. Yeah. Uh so sugar, carbs, uh, other forms of stimulants, um, they become dependent on that, kind of boosting them. So just be be careful of that. Um I can already tell we're not gonna hit all four in this episode, and that's okay. Because I think we want to slow down and not rush through it. Let's talk about really quick before we move past this point. Uh, what are kind of the top strategies to actually make abstinence happen? Because I think it's it's really foolish to think just hey, go out there and do it and be like, well, wait, like I'm triggered all the time. And I have all these things coming at me. I can't just like suddenly decide I'm gonna be absent in my own willpower. Right. That's never what we tell guys to do. Like, just as much as you have a plan for sustaining yourself through it, there's also a plan in place to guard yourself from temptation, if you want to use that word, uh, or being triggered, or even just being bombarded. Because your body's naturally gonna want to gravitate towards it. And that's again, completely normal. Um here here's one tactic I've uh used, uh, one really helpful tool. We call it an escape plan. Um, I've also heard it called a fire drill. I'm pretty sure we've mentioned it in other episodes. Uh here's what I'd say with it it's it's a memorable, so it's you can memorize it in your head. You don't have to look at a piece of paper and be like, what do I do again? Uh I I encourage guys to do three steps that engages your body, mind, and your heart. So what I mean by that is do something physically to reset your again, usually it's your aroused state. So I want to re-engage my body, leave the room, maybe do a physical activity, maybe jump in a cold shower or something. Their mind is I want to get my mind focused on what is true and good. So again, it could be rehearsing a statement. It could be um, I've even heard guys um have something that they actually physically bring up that gets their mind and their thinking on what's important to them. Um whatever we uh can help re-engage your thinking on what's true and good. And the last thing is your heart, uh, which means we want to engage the immaterial part of you, your emotions, but also again, your relational wiring, your relational reality. Relational reality. So that's why I encourage guys to say, at the very least, maybe what you can do is call a guy.

SPEAKER_00 21:04

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 21:05

Um it's ideal if part of your escape plan was like I'm gonna go be with this person, but that might not actually be um feasible at all times. Right. Uh but like you if you have that person in your life in your recovery that they're saying, hey, is it okay I call you at 2 a.m.? Just if I'm in that state, can you be part of my escape plan? Man, it's powerful.

SPEAKER_00 21:28

Yeah. And you gotta take advantage of that. Like nobody's gonna force you to do that. But you have to you have to own what you're after, the change that you're after, to the point where you take action to go get it. Yeah. Uh there's no there's no shortcut for that.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

What else do you think of in terms of like what what do I need to put in place to actually make abstinence happen? Well There was a very if there's only this practical little book that could be written about Gosh, wouldn't that be helpful?

SPEAKER_00 21:58

Uh Here's what I'm going to show you. This is the part two. Name your triggers and wounds. And I'm saying this specifically, uh, one, because guess what? There's a partner that says take action. So you can actually write this down. I can write in the book. You can write in the book. This is great. This is important because you can you'll have a really hard time making a good plan of attack if you don't do data gathering. And naming your triggers and wounds is data gathering. You're in the clearest sense that you possibly can, writing these things down, reflecting on it. What actually grabs my attention, what triggers me, what brings up this arousal state in me to want to start the pursuit of pornography. Be as crystal clear as you possibly can about that. Write it down, share that in community with somebody that you trust, ask them for input. Do you see any blind spots I'm missing? Yeah. And like work through that. Because when you get crystal clear on those things, well, then you go to make your fire drill or your plan of escape and it's concrete. Like it's grounded in reality and it's not like hypothetical. Well, I think if I'm driving down the street and I see uh a billboard with a woman in a bikini or in her underwear, then maybe I'll do this. That that you're not gonna do anything.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

Yeah. Like when we say, okay, be as specific as possible. We say like name the device, because it's usually device oriented. Name it. Or name the outlet. Like, so it's usually for most guys, it's on my phone. Okay, when? Well, it's most frequently like uh at night or right away in the morning when I'm waking up. What specifically is the trigger? Is it like tied into I start on social media, then I spiral out here, or I start on YouTube, and then that goes to this, that, and this. Uh, be as specific as possible to that chain effect, those triggers. And also the wounds. So when we're talking about, it's like it's usually when I'm bored or it's usually when I'm lonely, it's usually when I'm sad or overwhelmed. Man, know that and identify it. And that's uh to piggyback on that. Man, I'm so glad we cited that. Is the idea of barriers and uh boundaries? Yeah. And what I mean by that is to say, okay, if I've identified my phone, social media eventually leads at or something like that, and I'm acting out. What are the boundaries and barriers I need in my play in in those spaces to logically protect myself? Yeah. Is that a filter on my phone? Is it giving somebody else the right to put restrictions on this device? Is it to say I'm gonna stop using this device altogether? Um Michael and I are big fans of saying you will never regret going to the extra mile to protect yourself. Um, every time we've given we've seen guys give themselves wiggle room, it always ends up being a doorway to relapse. So uh a mentor of mine used to say, like, Nick, put yourself in a corner where there's no way you can get around it. Yeah. Um, and and that's difficult. I get that. It's very difficult. You gotta think through uh how could I possibly get around? How could I skirt around these barriers? And how can I protect myself even from that? Yeah. So yeah, take some work. I get it. Um but I'll tell you again, if even if you're like, what's the what's the nth degree I can go with guarding myself? Um actually a friend of ours, won't say name, um talked about how difficult it was to basically go from a smartphone to a dumb phone uh and how but how impactful it was to for this journey. Um I I applaud him significantly for it.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

Yeah, I am eventually gonna finagle us a endorsement deal with uh a company called Lightphone. They don't know this yet, I've never talked to them. But I love their product. Every time I see it, I look at it, I'm like, is today the day I'm gonna buy this just to mess with it? Yeah. Uh it looks great. But another way that I used to think about this early on in my journey, uh, I used to I I I use this phrase, healthy self-sabotage. Because there's a version of you who uh what do you call post-nut clarity? There's a version of you in that space who is thinking way more clearly than the you that is loaded up with dopamine. And the part of you that's thinking clearly in that moment can work to sabotage the other part of you so that when you get to that dopamine-seeking phase, you are heavily limited and restricted in what you can actually go to and access in that moment. So if you're in that place, like take advantage of that. And one of the phrases I say with guys all the time is don't waste your relapse. Yeah. If you do relapse or you screw up or you do use porn or masturbate, like analyze the heck out of that. Like if you come into my office and you have a relapse and we've been working together for a little bit, we're gonna whiteboard the heck out of that. And we're gonna see where the breakdown happened, what went wrong, and then how we can pivot our strategy to keep keep moving forward in the next time.

SPEAKER_02 26:47

And if you want to start doing that on your own or with your accountability cart partner, go to rscky.com slash reflect. Yeah. And you can download the worksheet that we often give or basically work through in our coaching sessions. That's right. Um, and begin compiling that data to actually serve you. Um awesome. I I'm gonna move the second one because I think it's related. Uh, but it's the idea of learning how to be aware of and to calm your nervous system. Yeah. Uh we're like, what the heck's my nervous system? It's the part of your body that's actually coming down your spine. Sorry. Yes. No. Uh it's basically the whole electrical circuit system that is, man, flipped on to the highest degree when that part of your brain, again, the limbic system, says, hey, we're in alert mode. And it's not necessarily in fight or flight mode, it's in arousal mode and excitement and searching mode. So what we're saying is when we learn to recognize that, uh, that like, hey, I'm just on right now. Uh, some guys like to use the word, I feel flooded, I feel overwhelmed, I feel use whatever word that that makes the most sense of your sensations. But what we want to learn to do in that moment is what do I do in that physical state? Um, by the way, the reason I I hit this next is because in my mind, this is an appropriate uh application of self-care. Like, not just people who struggle with porn, every human being uh deals with having a nervous system that can be flipped on. Yeah. And again, it could actually be from being nervous, being anxious. Uh, it could actually be um other stimulating activities. But in this case, what we're talking about is specifically arousal. Um, or when I'm withdrawing from that relapse or the my compulsive behavior and my my nervous system's like, bro, we gotta go, like we gotta, you're starving me, and I need it. So, what do we do with our body? So, just maybe for the rest of this episode, we'll talk about how do you calm your nervous system? How do you regulate it? Maybe I can say uh because it never just turns off, it's a good thing, keeps us going, it keeps us awake. Yeah, and even when we sleep, actually it's important. Um let's go jump right to practical. I think we all kind of know what it's like to have like for me, if my service nervous system's on, I feel a little bit more on edge, I have a little bit of extra energy. Um sometimes I can be irritable. What do you tell clients in terms of what to do in that state?

SPEAKER_00 29:27

Yeah, step one, just notice. Oftentimes in life we get busy trying to go from one thing to the other, and we we might know that something's off, but for one reason or another another we tell ourselves that it's not worth the effort to slow down and attend to it. So we typically just keep sort of powering through. And then at that point I was gonna say and they by the way, I'm saying this as guilty of it.

SPEAKER_02 29:48

Oh, for sure. I use the energy uh without even thinking, hey, wait, I'm kind of dysregulated right now, but I almost feed off the energy and try to go get busy or do something else. Um yeah, and that that can actually be a disservice. But go ahead, yes.

SPEAKER_00 30:04

Yeah, well, yeah, to that point, I think a lot of people do that. I certainly do, and what happens is is that it doesn't just go away. Right, right? The expression time heals all things is far from true, and time doesn't heal your nervous system, or time doesn't regulate your nervous system. Yeah. It's part of it, but not all of it. Um and I'm saying that because it will just keep getting louder until you until it sort of makes you stop and pay attention to it. And that could be lashing out at somebody, snapping at your kids or your wife, or flipping somebody off as they're speeding by you on the road. It's gonna come out at some point, and then it like we just talked about, we're looking for relief. Yeah. So our brains and our bodies, like we said a second ago, like you've trained a way for your brain and a body your brain and body to get that relief. And when your nervous system gets sort of flared up and you're raging in in some capacity, it looks for the path of least resistance. Yeah. And which oftentimes is porn because if like we talked about if the primary mode of access is your phone, there is zero uh barrier oftentimes, because it's like pull it out of your pocket, a couple swipes, and you're there. Yeah. There is very little resistance.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

And I'll tell you, it uh if you're like, oh man, I don't I don't know if I'm really dealing with a dysregulated nervous system. Here's a good self-check. Okay. So if you notice that you go through your day to like, I'm cruising and then I hit kind of a crash, a physical crash or emotional crash. The reason for that, that go up and then crash down is because what you're doing is riding this wave of nervous system energy. And at some point, you basically burn all the fuel in the tank, and then emotionally, physically, you're just like, oh. Uh so again with guys, when I see that cycle of man, you're riding that wave, and then you're like you're stuck and you're lonely, and you're just unmotivated and you're sad. Um, it's like, okay, that that's a get out of that cycle. Like, let's learn to notice first when I'm I'm the nervous system is turned on and it's cranking up. Um my first question I ask people is what are you feeling? Yeah. Can you name the feeling? And actually, I think what you've helped me with too is to even slow that down to say, uh, what are you sensing? Yeah. Like before you start kind of categorizing it, what do you notice in your body? Yep, that's right. Like, oh, I guess I didn't notice like all my traps were tense, and I'm like, I got this. Yeah, right. Relatable, relatable. Um, I'm gonna jump one uh right into one practical exercise. Do it. Uh the go-to I start with with guys, because it's so easy and so powerful, is a breathing exercise. Learning how to breathe well. And here's why I say this is because most often when your nervous system is hijacked, uh your body uh kind of relies on very short, shallow breaths, uh, which starves your body of oxygen. Uh, and it just trust me, it does some bad things. Uh, and it reinforces the idea in your brain and your body that I need to be on the go. So when you breathe deeply and slowly, not only do you give yourself more oxygen, um, you slow some systems down, and you're basically just through this exercise sending the message to your body, it's okay. Yep. You have permission to calm down. Yep. Uh man, it's so fascinating. Um so the easiest way I know to practically do this is what's called a four by four or box breathing. Yeah. And so it has four stages, and then each are done at at least four seconds. So the four stages are breathing in through my nose, pause, first for four seconds. Breathe out through my mouth for four seconds, and then again pause for four seconds. You want to try it? Let's do it. Okay, here we go. I'm just gonna do because we're gonna memorize it. All right, here we go. Do this with us if you're watching. Here we go. And we'll count to four in our heads. Here we go. I love asking the question when I do this with a client. How does that feel? Even just doing it once. Yeah. It's like I can eat just a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

I already feel more relaxed.

SPEAKER_02 34:38

I noticed it immediately. I know. Uh imagine doing that that cycle at least three or four times. Yeah. Um so good.

SPEAKER_00 34:47

Okay what's another nervous system. I want to say one thing about the brain why that's so important. Um your brain runs on oxygen. And the easiest way I can illustrate this is thinking about how long could you go without food? I forget the You could go a while. Weeks and not die. Yeah. Uncomfortable? Sure. Yeah. Uh how long could you go without water? I think that is it three days? Something like that. With zero water. Yeah. How long could you go without oxygen? What is it? Minutes.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

Is it's minutes? Minutes. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

Yeah. Before you just heal over, pass out, and die. So I'm saying that to illustrate the importance of oxygen. Your brain has to have enough oxygen to function optimally. Yeah. So that's why breathing is so important as an initial exercise to sort of pull your uh pull you from your limbic system back up to your prefrontal cortex, right? Your thinky thinky parts, not your reacty reactive parts. I like thinky thinky. Thinky thinky. Uh I don't know why I thought of that. Was this Jurassic Park when uh making jokes, Tim's making jokes to uh Dr. Grant and he says something about a do you think he sores? I don't know. That's what I think about. That's dumb. It's like a great movie. Uh yeah. And it again, it's also calming your nervous system. So breathing is so dramatically powerful that it's like that's one of the things that we teach early on, like lock this in.

SPEAKER_02 36:07

Yeah. Uh the other thing I would say uh that I give to clients, and sorry, I'm just piggybacking here and just throwing out ideas. Um if you can get the mental image of a child, uh, if you're a parent, you you know this firsthand. But think about when a child is really on edge or dysregulated, uh, what is most impactful for them? And so one thing is a safe, um, appropriate touch. So, like coming close to that child, maybe putting your arm around them, maybe if it's received, giving them a hug and holding them. Uh, that is a very powerful way to regulate your nervous system because now you know oxytocin and serotonin are very relationally driven neurochemicals. So, yes, they regulate our mood and tell our body it's okay. Yeah. But they need to be engaged through relational interaction. Yep. So, goodness, I know that's tough for guys to be like, man, I don't touch me. I get that. Uh, but sometimes it's just physical presence. I need to be with somebody, and that helps my nervous system be like, hey, I think I'm okay. I can calm down. Um the other thing I say with a child too is if you if you give them the space to talk it out, it could be garbled, nonsensical stuff when they're irritated or you know, dysregulated. Just them getting it out is what needs to be done. Yeah. Um, they just needed to vent, I feel sad. Or they just needed to vent, like that situation was really frustrating to me. Yeah. And then once that, the brain says, Oh, okay, I can file that, it's completed. We don't need to hold on to it anymore. We adults need the same thing. Right.

SPEAKER_00 37:50

Like we have to be reminded of this. Our nervous systems were literally built for co-regulation. Oh my goodness. When I'm dysregulated and I'm in the presence of another nervous system who is not dysregulated but very regulated, my nervous system starts to regulate. Yes. And the same is true of the opposite. That's why we say our souls are permeable. Yeah. Right? We're relational creatures. If you're dysregulated and I don't have a good handle on my stuff, I could easily become also dysregulated. Yeah. Right? If you're married and you your spouse is upset for something, not even at you, but just angry in general because of something that happened. What do you notice about yourself? Do you find yourself like elevating and like panicking and getting your nervous system all hopped up too? Or are you able to go, oh yeah, I see that she's angry and upset right now. Um, I don't have to be. Yeah. I can be present with her in that, but I don't have to do that.

SPEAKER_02 38:33

So a negative way of saying it is if you're in these nervous system cycles or high elevated states and you're just trying to gruel through it in isolation, you're only feeding the problem. Right.

SPEAKER_00 38:43

I don't want to say it's impossible, but you can.

SPEAKER_02 38:46

Man, it's very difficult. Yeah. Yeah, because there's there's still that part of you, that human part of you. It's not what do you want to use the term, your inner child. Yeah. I don't there's a lot of reasons I don't like that. But there's a part of you that still needs those same things. Uh I need to be connected, I need to be uh, I don't know, touched or heard or uh even just seen. And then my brain can say it's okay. Um all right, we're gonna wrap up here for today.

SPEAKER_00 39:15

So we've covered two out of four, which I know it's like it won't, and I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_02 39:23

Stay tuned. Uh in the part two of this conversation, we're gonna actually talk about something we just keep on hitting at, but we're gonna go into a little bit more depth of uh how actually connecting with people regulates your brain. Yes. Uh and what it has to do with what we know in neuroscience. And we're gonna help you think that through because we know, especially with a lot of guys, forming solid, meaningful relationships is a challenge. We get that. We know what it's like. The other thing that we're gonna talk about too is informed by what's called cognitive behavioral therapy. Sounds really epic. CBT. I thought it was DBT. That's dialectical behavioral therapy.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 40:06

There's a lot of letters thrown out there.

SPEAKER_00 40:07

I I I was going back to dognitive behavioral therapy.

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Oh, well, there's that too that we we invented. Right. Um Thanks, Lulu and Jax. To calm their systems they need the therapy, not they're not ready to give it. They don't provide it, they need it. That's right. The last thing is what's here, let me give you a really epic term. Cognitive restructuring. What's behind that is saying I have the ability, I have the agency to actually change the way my brain thinks and operates. It builds structures of thinking and patterns. I have a lot more freedom and say in that than I think. Yep. So we're gonna talk about that too, in terms of a lot of the thoughts that play in the background, and we're gonna say, hey, actually, we can totally rebuild that.

SPEAKER_00 40:52

Yep. So come back next time and we will teach you in the most practical sense that we possibly can how to restructure your brain.

SPEAKER_02 40:59

Yeah. Thank you guys for listening. Again, uh, if you're curious about next steps or if you think that we could be helpful on that journey, please feel free to reach out to us uh through our website, rscky.com. Uh you'll see a form that you can fill out to reach out to us. Uh, you can also reach out to us with a phone number too, and we will, a real person will answer the phone.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

Yeah, that's right. I gave my phone number the last episode. I'll give it again. 502-858-5859.

SPEAKER_02 41:24

So please connect. We want to text you in person. This is not uh a sales pitch. We want to say, hey, how can we think through resources next steps, even if we can refer you to another uh excellent person on the journey? So stay tuned and stay connected.

unknown 41:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:42

We haven't said don't do this alone in a long time. I know we can't lose it. Do you want to do it now? One or two go. Don't do this alone.

SPEAKER_02 41:52

See you guys.

SPEAKER_00 41:54

Hey, thanks for joining us today. If you found this helpful, do us a huge favor and subscribe on YouTube or your favorite podcast app. Or better yet, send this to someone who needs encouragement.

SPEAKER_02 42:04

For more tools, resources, and information about our coaching, check out rsdky.com. Keep showing up. Yeah, we'll catch you next time.