Solitary Confinement with Vanessa Valente

Intensive Caring: Voices from the ICU is a podcast that explores what happens after critical illness, bringing forward the voices of patients, families, and healthcare professionals who have experienced the ICU firsthand.

Hosted by Dr. David Hornstein, Director of the Critical Illness Recovery Center at the McGill University Health Centre (MUHC), the series focuses on the realities of recovery, physically, emotionally, and mentally, and the lasting impact of compassionate care.

In this episode, Dr. Hornstein sits down with Vanessa Valente, whose life changed forever after a severe infection led to an extended stay in the ICU during the height of the first wave of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

Isolated from her loved ones for weeks, Vanessa endured multiple surgeries, dialysis, delirium, and months of recovery, all while navigating the uncertainty of critical illness without the comfort of family by her side.

Through an honest and deeply moving conversation, Vanessa reflects on the lasting psychological impact of her experience, from vivid ICU memories and emotional triggers to the anxiety of returning to the hospital for follow-up care. 

She also shares how finding a community of fellow ICU survivors helped her move from simply surviving to truly healing, reminding listeners that recovery is not only physical, but emotional as well.

This episode is a powerful reminder that healing doesn't end when the patient is discharged. Sometimes, the most important part of recovery is knowing that you don't have to face it alone.

This podcast is presented by the MUHC Foundation, supporting patient care, research, and innovation across the McGill University Health Centre. To learn more or make a donation, visit muhcfoundation.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hi, my name is Dr. David Hornstein, and I'm an intensive care physician at the MUHT here in Montreal. Welcome to Intensive Caring, Voices from the ICU. My guest today is Vanessa Valenti. Hi, Vanessa. Thank you for coming in.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Hi, Dr. Hornstein. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Oh, we're gonna have to work on that.

SPEAKER_02 0:25

Dr. H.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Okay, that's better. Can you do better? David? Yeah. Okay. No, I like that. I can do it. We're good. Really glad you came in today uh to talk. And uh setting the table a little bit, can you tell me when you were in the hospital and a little bit why?

SPEAKER_02 0:44

I was in the hospital um May 2020 in the heart of COVID. And uh I was not having a good time. I was living by myself and um not really taking care of myself, uh, didn't have a job, didn't really have much um other than watching the news 24 hours a day. And then during that time, I guess I was drinking a lot of Coca-Cola Classic and not eating enough to counterbalance it. And I put myself into a diabetic shock during which I uh had an abscess in my body that I guess exploded and carried in it a bacteria that uh most people know as uh flesh-eating disease. And I became it was extremely painful, didn't know what I had, too scared to go to the hospital though, which is ironic. And so I lived in pain for four days, and then the last day I woke up and I couldn't feel my leg like it was a dead weight. So at that point I was like, I need emergency care. So I went to the hospital, and um then they took a long time to figure out what I had because I didn't have any, I guess, normal symptoms. Like I didn't have scratches or it wasn't outdoors, and I guess they were having trouble diagnosing me. And by the time I went in to uh surgery, I was my kidneys were failing, they said. So I needed to have surgery or die, and it was uh Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_00 2:21

So for people to understand what was going on in the world at that time, this was May of 2020, so we were in the bread smack in the middle of wave one of COVID. Right. There were no visitors, uh, and and what you mentioned uh we have seen a lot is people understandably is nobody wanted to come anywhere near a hospital at that moment in time, and a lot of diagnoses were delayed because of that. So you came in May 10th, yeah, and you were in uh until August.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

In ICU for 88 days, I think. Um over a little over 80 days, uh, then two weeks in recovery here at the Glen, and then uh 21 days in Mount Sinai. So the whole hospital experience for me, I count Mount Sinai too, and that's uh May 10th to August 19th.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

And I had a look when we were I was preparing for our talk today, uh, because you had so much go on that it's hard to keep track without looking. You had many operations May 10th, 11th, 14th, 18th, June 17th, so many times back and forth to the operating theater and the intensive care unit. We'll we'll get to more of that later. And during that time, how many visitors did you have?

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Uh zero for the first months, and then my mom was allowed in for one hour a day. Best hour of my day. And the nurses were very nice though, because there was nobody, and uh, they did give her a little leeway in that hour to stay a little bit longer.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

But for a month, nobody was in, and during that month you had surgeries, your kidneys were closed down, you had dialysis, many procedures.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

Many and coma, like the I think there's a big difference. Being part of the support group, I can tell even when you feel the people around you for that brief instant, you open your eyes, you can sense people around you. I was very, very aware that there was nobody around me. Part of my delirium was I was trapped in a place and my parents were trying to get to me, physically ripping down barriers to try and get to me. So I was very aware that I was isolated.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

What did you need in that moment? What what what do you think would have helped in the in that time? Obviously, visitors were not allowed, but what could the personnel have done?

SPEAKER_02 5:02

For the major most part, actually, the personnel was quite lovely because they knew the circumstance I was in. And I was a very, very longtime patient in ICU, which is rare that somebody can be talking and actively participating, mind you, very drugged up. Uh so not really aware of what was happening, but I can converse with people and stuff. They didn't have to like crush my pills into things or uh anything like that. So for the most part, they were nice. I just think it's very conscious. You have to be very conscious of the way that you uh touch people, the way that you uh communicate with them because people get very automatic in their day-to-day work. And to be honest, the most beautiful experience I have in ICU is vivid to me. And it's uh a nurse that came in, and all she did was literally she saw my skin was dry, and she started rubbing my arms and my my neck, and just she told me while she was doing it, I started crying because I hadn't been touched in a non-medical probing kind of way in a very long time. And then I she was like, Why are you crying? And I told her, and she just softened and continued doing it and said, I'm rubbing you like I rubbed my baby when he was little, you know, when you moisturize your child. And I was, I have not been that grateful. Uh I had not been that grateful for a nurse the entire time. And I had her for a brief moment because she was taken away from me and it was devastating. There was another patient that was in more need, but that really, really makes a difference. How you interact and touch and uh communicate with a patient, especially when you know that they're isolated, makes a really big difference.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

You mentioned earlier that that that you had some delirium.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

Um, do you want to share a particular episode?

SPEAKER_02 7:14

I uh was psychologically linked to a dolphin for um while um I thought he was being tortured in another room. I was very angry uh that people were probing him. I don't know why I thought I don't I don't know if I was projecting um because I was sick and of being that patient, but I had a long time in the ocean surrounded by many marine animals. And that was when I was like awake. My coma dreams were more dark, and I saved the world numerous times, so you're welcome. And it was uh tough. I think I died many times in my coma. And I I it's not rational, but uh when I was awake, it was a little bit more I was trying to figure out what was happening to me. And there was uh noises, I guess, that were coming from this vacuum that they had attached to me, and there was saline in the air. I don't know, maybe. Uh, but I constantly thought that I was surrounded by dolphins and communicating with them to the point where I was talking to my cousin because I had family that would call me at any hour of the day because I didn't really sleep normal hours. And I even in the middle of the conversation, I was talking to her and I was like, Oh, Maria, I'm so sorry. Like, these dolphins, they're really making a lot of noise and like interrupting me all the time. I try to keep them quiet. And she's like, the oh, there's no dolphins. And I was like, trust me, they're here. And they were all around me. Like I I could touch them, I could see them.

SPEAKER_00 8:56

Uh and six years later, these images are still present.

SPEAKER_02 9:01

You can real, vivid, vivid memories.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Yeah. What do you think about that now?

SPEAKER_02 9:08

I'm grateful that it gave me uh a little reprieve from where I was. I think if I was constantly thinking about where I was and the state that I was in, I think I would have felt it was a long road because it was uh constant pain and anticipation of a new debrinement schedule that gave me a lot of anxiety. So to get lost in a world full of amazingly smart and fun marine animals was a blessing.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

This episode is presented by the MUHC Foundation. The MUHC Foundation helps fund life-saving equipment, groundbreaking medical research, and programs that improve the patient experience across the hospital network. If you'd like to learn more or support the incredible work happening at the MUHC, visit muhcfoundation.com. Together, we can help shape the future of healthcare.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

I I know that a part of your journey involved having to go back to a hospital for a follow-up surgery. And and I I do remember the lead up to that uh and the stress that that almost inevitably caused you. Maybe you could tell us a bit about that.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Yeah. It's uh one of the reasons I'm very most grateful for you, to be honest. I know you weren't fishing for that, I'm sorry, but and you don't like it when I say that, but it's true because when I was in a support group meeting, I spoke about the devastation because I had a colostomy bag as part of my trauma. I had to uh get this colostomy bag put in. And they told me that I only needed it for six months, which is the minimum. And then as soon as my trauma was over, it was going to be out. So when that time came, I started making appointments with specialists around the city in different hospitals. And every single specialist, when I went to them, said to the same thing to me: this bag is not doing anything bad to you. You're not suffering because of it, you're living your life. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't die, but you will always be put to the bottom of the list because there will always be someone with more urgent need to either receive or get rid of a colostomy bag. So to have that surgery. So I uh the whole time I was in the ICU and especially at Mount Sinai, there was there was this black hole of we don't know when this is gonna end for you. We don't know when the last day you're gonna be here is, we don't know when you're gonna get out. So that last part of my physical trauma stopped me from really beginning to emotionally heal from the whole thing because it was a block. And you managed to find this little niche and create this uh opportunity for me because it was part of my trauma for a trauma surgeon to take care of it. And although it came with its own extreme triggers, because going back to the hospital, all of it was very anxiety-filling for me because it's the same. You go in, you have the same sounds, same smells. Being completely uh at people's whims, like not being able to do anything for yourself, is uh overwhelming, to say the least. To know exactly how that feels is even worse. So I had a lot of trouble with that. But uh in the end, I I think that because I got that surgery at that time, I was able to really begin my emotional healing process.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Can can you talk a little bit about triggers? Anniversaries, I recall we we have spoken about those. When normally somebody might think, oh, an anniversary is a good thing, um, they're very stressful.

SPEAKER_02 13:15

Yes. Triggers come in many different forms. It's uh it's not rational. So you you can't really plan for them, they just happen. Uh anniversaries are very, if you think about like uh birthdays and how people have trouble with birthdays, it's the same kind of thing. You as uh somebody who survived a critical illness, you're always grateful for your life. And you have this perception of life that is beautiful because you're aware that it can be taken away. But at the same time, you're very fragile. So anything that reminds you of that, any smell, any taste, any date that reminds you of a certain thing is triggering. And for me, unfortunately, the day I went into the hospital was Mother's Day. And Mother's Day has changed completely for my family, my nuclear family. And my mom doesn't really talk about my trauma. So that day became a day where we show our emotions and we are very raw. And sometimes that's when we talk about it the most. So having those pressures around anniversaries is uh it's a big thing. You start taking stock about how far you've come, if you've come far enough, if you've done enough, uh, where you wanted to be, where you will be. There's a lot going on.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

And and uh I I know because we've talked in our groups with other people who've mentioned anniversaries, and I know you like coming to the group sometimes. Our group is very fluid. People come when they want, they don't come when, you know, and it it's a come as you desire situation. But I know that uh there was a time where, well, I know that you find community in the group and it breaks the isolation, but I wanted to remind you of a particular thing that you guys did when you visited one of our group members who was re-hospitalized and maybe talk about that.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

I there was a support group where we have people on hybrid. So there was a background that I saw one of our support group members uh with the backdrop of a hospital room. I knew that he was in a hospital room. It was obvious. So when I saw that, I kind of messaged a few people and I asked you, like, is he in the hospital? What's happening? And you said that he didn't have a lot of visitors. And when somebody, I think that I'm very sensitive when somebody doesn't have people around them, especially in a hospital setting, it's brutal. So knowing that, I got two of our fellow support group members and we went to visit him, and I continued to visit him uh until he passed.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

And he was incre I had seen him after you visited, and he was buoyed up about 10 stories above uh by that visit. It's the power of community. I'm glad. You had a bit of trouble going home after your initial hospitalization.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

I did have a lot of trouble going home.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

Not uh trouble getting discharged from the hospital or discharged from the rehab center. No, but going home.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Yeah, and not even to like I stayed with my parents for a long time, and that was fine because it was in my parents' home. I was triggered, interestingly, the first time my mom made a meal for me in the hospital, it was the best meal I had had because I obviously was eating hospital food, which is horrendous. I'm sorry to say. For a reason, I'm sure I know. I know we can't have certain things when we're in the hospital, but my there was this assembly line of things. And the first meal that it had, I just devoured it. And the first time my mom made that meal when I was home, I couldn't eat it. I I I vomited. I it I don't know why it just brought me back. And I was very devastated because I um I got over it. I can eat it now that same meal, but that time, at that time, so it was a trigger. It was a huge trigger. So the biggest trigger I had when I was at my parents' house was going back to my apartment where I lived by myself, where I was suffering, where I was in extreme pain. Nothing about that felt doable for a very long time. And I really had to work myself up to it. I don't know why that is. Maybe uh I just associated it with almost dying because they kept telling me if I had stayed in my apartment overnight and waited till the morning, like I thought I wanted to, because it was a Sunday and it was Mother's Day, and I'm like, I'm not doing this today. I'm obviously gonna do it tomorrow because it's not nice for my mom for me to be in the hospital on Mother's Day. But my friend knocked some sense into me and told me to uh to go to the hospital, and I'm happy I did because I would not have lived to see the morning, they said.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

So what would you say to people, anybody out there who's either gone through something like you did, uh, a critical illness period, who's struggling and uh doesn't hasn't met that community of people who kind of get it without having to explain it.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

Honestly, I would say you are not alone. And it may feel that way, and it is a horrible feeling to have, but you're not alone, and there are people out there, and there is a community, so you can research things, and I know that there are things that you think you are the only one that has thought or has lived through, and I can guarantee you that there are others who feel that same pain. And I hope that it comforts people to know that they are not the only ones that have felt the things that they felt because across the board, our support group is full of people that suffered from completely different traumas. I there is nobody in my support group that went through the exact trauma that I did, but we share a link, a perception, uh, and have lived through something that nobody else understands except each other. So know that there are people out there that do feel it, that you are not alone and that everything you're doing, the ups, the downs, the good days, the bad days, they're all part of the journey. So don't be discouraged. Uh, allow yourself to have a bad day. Allow yourself to give in to whatever pain that you're feeling in the moment, because that moment passes and it doesn't last forever. So I hope that they know that there's a little light at the end of the tunnel.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

Vanessa, I couldn't thank you more uh for having come in to talk today. Let's talk some more.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Anytime. All right. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

If you enjoyed today's conversation, make sure to follow or subscribe to Intensive Caring, voices from the ICU, wherever you get your podcasts, so you never miss an episode. To learn more about the work of the MUHC Foundation or to make a donation supporting patient care, research, and innovation, visit muhc foundation.