Hi guys and welcome back to the Skin Dustry. This week we have a really exciting guest. We've got Rebecca Harrington here. So I'm gonna swing straight on over to Rebecca and get her to introduce herself and tell us a little bit about what it is that she does.
SPEAKER_00Hi Paige, thank you so much for having me on the podcast. So you can call me Bex. Rebecca is quite formal. Um my friends call me Bex, so please call me Bex. So I am a self-leadership coach for ambitious working mums who are ready to stop abandoning themselves to keep the peace and to start prioritizing what they actually want. So a tiny bit about me, I'm ex-corporate leadership. I built a 15-year corporate career. So self-leadership has always been a part of who I am.
SPEAKER_01Okay, perfect. And what was it that initially led you into the self-leadership coaching and specifically why like mums?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, good question. So I think for me, I had a moment about a year into building my coaching business. I had this moment where I was I really wanted to launch my women's circle. So I do one-to-one coaching, group coaching, but I also hold now I hold a um a monthly women's circle as well. And about a year into my coaching, I you know, I was really holding myself back from launching this circle, and I honestly like it was all it was a big part of the work that I wanted to do. So it had been about a year, I was still holding myself back, and I was sitting there one night, and I really distinctly remember the moment. I was sitting there one night doing some shadow work journaling about about this, you know, this circle like what is it? Why am I holding myself back? And it suddenly hit me that I wasn't afraid of not being good enough, which is what I really thought it was. I wasn't afraid of that, I was actually deeply afraid of rejection. And when I that like hit me, like it really hit me, and when I stood back, I realized that all of the business decisions that I was making at that time was really being directed by that fear of abandonment, and it was a really pivotal moment because I realized at that moment my coaching couldn't be. I was calling myself a spiritual coach at the time, like in that first year. I really thought that was my direction, and I realized at that moment that my coaching couldn't only be spiritual and mindset, it really needed to be about self-leadership, it needed to be about those moments where you lead yourself through the fears, the beliefs, the doubts, the who you're being every single day. And everything shifted. So from that point onwards, my own practices, my training, and how I worked with my clients were all about taking radical responsibility for who you are being every single day versus the woman that you say you want to become, and really um identifying that gap and like working out how we bridge that gap. And then the mum, you know, the mums is because I am a mum, I've got a four-year-old, and I can really identify with the struggles with you know the mindset and all of the things that we have to go through. And the reason I left my corporate career initially was because I became a mum, and I wanted to build something that really worked around my life and me building a family, and I absolutely loved my corporate career, and it wasn't because I didn't leave because I hated it, I left because my purpose and my drive and my ambition changed directions essentially.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I can totally get that as well. And like, I'm not a parent, but I genuinely do not know how mums do it. Like, I struggle to run my business and look after myself, and that's it, and my cat. Like, just us two and the business. Add one or multiple children into that that are literally dependent on you for life and sustenance. I actually genuinely it blows my mind. I do not understand where people find the time for everything. It's crazy. So I feel like especially in the skin industry as well, because it's never just you come in, you do your clients, you go home. That's it. You come in, you do your clients, you go home, you do your skin plans, you do all your admin, you do your account, you do your content. It's it's never-ending. So I think uh having a space like someone with you can be really, really beneficial because you can help put in those foundations, I assume, to be able to manage everything.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. So I think it's so true, isn't it? I think I hear it often. If you want something done, ask a mum to do it because we know like we yeah, I don't know. I honestly don't know. Like, there's I mean, I I have got one child, and you know, I know women who have got multiple children and who are doing things, and it's so impressive, and um yeah, it's a lot, it is a lot, and I won't try and play that down because it is hard work, so you know, I'm not gonna I'm not one to sit here and like be like, Oh, it's so easy breezy. It it isn't, um, but what I would say to the whole trying to do it all is you. I'm a big fan of Emma Greed, and I don't know if you hear you've heard her say this before, but it's like you can have it all, just not all on the same day, and I think that's such a really strong, empowering thing to live by because we can have it all, we can have the business, we can have the family, we can have the life. It's just that some days you might feel that you're more of one thing than you are of the other. So some days you might need to work late, some days you might need to have a short day, and you might need to be there for your for your child, you might need to do sports day, you might need to be there for whatever it is that they need from you. And I think that's okay. It's it's not about trying to be everything all the time. And something I do with my clients is I really get them to look at what are their non-negotiables. So, what do they need to get done that day versus what they would like to get done that day, so that we can end our day with that. I feel really good about where I am, I'm not gonna shame myself into the things that I haven't done, and like you say, there's there's you know, there's the accounts, there's the content, and you know, that goes for all women in business out like the content on the social media side of things is just it's consume it and it's a full-time job in itself, it is, it is, and I and we have to, you know, especially when you're at that beginning, you have to realise that it actually is a part of your job, and you just have to see it like that. I think we we complain about it a lot, but we have to. I mean, in my job as well, like it's just it's a part of my my job, and it's a part of what I have to get done each day. But it's building these things into your non-negotiables, and we underestimate us, we overestimate what we can do in a day, but I think we underestimate what we can do in a week. It's like that classic we underestim overestimate the year, but underestimate 10 years, and I think that's the same for a day in a week. So we then beat ourselves up, we try to do so much in a day, and then we don't get it done, and then we you know off the back of that can feel shame and disappointment, and like we're not doing enough, and we're never doing enough, and we're not good enough. And but it's like, no, I think you're just setting unrealistic expectations for yourself in that day, and if you actually just say these are the things I need to get done over this week, and my non-negotiables today are this, this, and this. By the end of that week, I think you'll feel really good. But at the end of the day, if you're trying to get a week's worth of work done in a day, that's that's not you know, it's unrealistic.
SPEAKER_01That's not realistic, no, yeah. And I think it's finding that balance, isn't it? Of like you say, what you can and can't do, like what is achievable and what's not achievable. Um I find writing lists, writing a to-do list is my favourite thing to do because the dopamine that I get from ticking something off and then looking at my list at the end of the day and most of the things or everything being taken off, I just think what a day, what an achievement. But then also I think sometimes it can be maybe a a negative because if you've got to the end of the day and you've not got as much done as you want to, you look at the list and you think, but I've done nothing today, even though you have, yeah. It just might not be on the list, or it's just the stuff that you do every day, so you're not gonna put it down. It's just the general day-to-day stuff, which takes a lot of time anyway. Running a house takes a lot of time, having a child takes a lot of time, and I think it is just finding what works for you and the process that you need to, I guess, like organise it in a way.
SPEAKER_00Definitely, and I think that's where the non-negotiable list really comes in, but it's setting the standard for yourself as well, isn't it? You know, a question I like to ask myself at the end of every day is where did I lower the standard? Where did I, you know, and and the standard is something that you set in advance. So if it's something that you've told yourself you're gonna do that day, at the end of that day, when you ask yourself, where did I lower the standard? And if you haven't done something, you want to be really honest with yourself about why you haven't you done it? You know, because so often we negotiate, well, always we're always negotiating with ourselves about oh, I don't need to do that now, oh I'm tired, oh I've done this, oh I've done that, and it's it's like okay, but did you actually not get that done because you was actually at full capacity, or did you not get that done because you sat on your phone for two hours? Do you feel exhausted because you are at full capacity, or did you sit on your phone for two hours? So, you know, it's also like with my clients, I like to get them to be really honest with themselves. It's about self-honesty, like that is what self-leadership is. It's about being honest, and it's not about letting the excuses and be a victim to your life. Because we're ambitious, hard-working women, we've got things to do, and we don't have time to allow these excuses. Things are valid. I'm not I'm not saying things aren't valid, there are things that are valid, and there are times when you know you know, but that's when you know I'm at full capacity, and I didn't get that done today because I genuinely am at full capacity that will have to wait until tomorrow. So I do also think there's that that honest conversation with yourself at the end of each day. These were the things I said I needed to do today. This was my standard. Where did I lower that standard after telling myself I was gonna do it? And was there was it valid or was it an excuse?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think this is where things like journaling can come in really really like handy, can't they? Because you are actually having that element of self-awareness but also self-forgiveness in a way as well.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's I think the moment you can start being true with like truth to your truth, uh true to yourself is that's the game changer. Because when we are when we're letting the excuses run our life, that's when we we feel the guilt, we feel the shame. Whereas when you're being truthful to yourself, I was a full capacity today, I could not get that task done. I really wanted to do that, but I only got half of it done. But I know I did my absolute best. Where's the shame? Where's the guilt? There's none, but it's when we're we're living that you know, living on that sort of wheel of thinking we should have done something, well, not even thinking, knowing we should have done something, but we didn't do it, and if and it was an excuse, there wasn't there wasn't really a valid reason why we didn't do it. I think that's when we then beat ourselves up, and that's where we fall into that. Oh, I'm just not good enough, I'm not you know, I'm not doing enough. Well, is there truth to that? Maybe you're not doing enough because you are scrolling on your phone, you are making excuses, you're letting your mind negotiate its way out of doing the things that you know you need to do because that feels uncomfortable and it feels more comfortable to sit over here not doing it and to you know watch Netflix or to whatever it might be, you know, just to find that thing that gives you comfort over the thing that is dis you know that that is uncomfortable essentially.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, and I think sometimes it can come from a space of like action paralysis, like when you know you've got a lot to do, and none of it's sort of like organized in your head, you've just got I know I need this and I know I need to do that, and I've got this, and I've got that to do, and I've got this to do. I can be really, really guilty of it, and that's why I find in uh find writing to-do list really good because if it's all just floating around in here, it feels like a lot. So then actually getting it down and going, right, I'm gonna do this, this, this, and this today. That can be done tomorrow. That doesn't have to be done until that day, so that's fine. I think that is when you make more space for yourself and you can be more what's the word like I said before, like forgiving with yourself. You've not got a million and one things to do today, you've got four, and then the rest can be done a different day.
SPEAKER_00Exactly, definitely, and that's where um time blocking. Have you done time blocking in your diary? Yeah, that's where that's been really recently started to do it. Yeah, yeah, and that exactly that because when you look at your week, so on a Sunday night to get ahead of your week, you might sit there and go, right, you don't need to map out everything, it depends on the kind of person you are, but it might be like, I know that my things I need to get done this week are these five things. Like for you, it's like you've got your clinic, you've got your podcast, you're gonna be like, right, these are the things I know I need to do, and I know what needs to happen by what day. So, you know, by Tuesday, I know that I need to have done XYZ for the podcast. So you're gonna map out your Monday and you're gonna put that in, but you you know, you also know you've got five other things for the clinic, but you're gonna put them in on the days when you know that they need to be done rather than when you feel like you they should be done. And that's how you're gonna get you're gonna feel less overwhelmed, you're gonna be more in control of the things that need to be done, and they're gonna actually get done. Because again, it's like when we're trying to do everything on Monday, and it's like, oh no, I haven't done it, and you feel that sense of urgency over everything, but it's like not everything's urgent, not everything's a priority, and that's why it's called a priority because a priority is the top one or two things that need to be done next, not everything. So it's being able to lead yourself through that, and I personally find that time blocking is a great self-leadership tool because you can really own it, you can own your days, you can own the things you're not gonna feel that guilt over not getting something done because you're like, I'm doing that Thursday, that's okay, it's in my diary. I'm not even gonna o overthink it, I'm not gonna feel anxious about it, I'm not gonna worry about it. It's happening Thursday, and that's good.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think that's it, isn't it? It's having it planned out so then you do have that peace of mind that it doesn't all need to be done today, and if I don't get it all done today, I'm not a failure. Um and I think as well, factor in time for yourself as well. Like I've recently dropped a day in clinic so I can give myself a full admin day every week because I was struggling to get everything in, and it was then having an impact on I was having no free time, I was having no actual days off. I was hitting burnout very, very regularly, and I thought, right, the only person that can do anything about this is me. No one else is gonna fix it. I need to do something. So I uh cut a day off in the clinic to give myself that space and that time, and oh my god, it's made such a difference. Because now I know even if I've not sat and planned everything out to the minute, I've got Tuesday, I've always got Tuesday, and I've always got a full day with nothing else on to just get stuff done. So I think that is I think we really do struggle to actually put ourselves first in these settings, but I think obviously a question for you would be why do you think that ambitious women struggle to put themselves first?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we do struggle, don't we? We definitely do. I think there's a couple of things to that. I think that you know, there's the conditioning, there's the social conditioning, you know, even from when we were young, and you know, it's we we struggle to put ourselves first because even when we're young, we're told, you know, be a good girl, share your toys, you know, make everybody else feel comfortable, don't boast, don't brag, no one wants to hear that. And we're really taught from that young age to prioritize what everyone else thinks and feels over what we be small and being small, yeah, over what we think and feel. Yeah, exactly. So we're we're already being pushed down, like dull your light because you're making everyone around you uncomfortable because they don't want you to be loud and noisy and in their face. So let's make sure they feel comfortable and you don't worry about how you're feeling. Like that is we all we all feel that right, like we know that's true. Um, and I think even as mums, I certainly like notice myself saying things to my daughter sometimes, and I think, oh my god, I'm saying it. So I don't think this is any of this, none of this stuff is necessarily like intentional from our caregivers, from our parents, from society. It's just it's it's all it's a repetitive cycle, behavior, isn't it? Behavior, exactly. So we just learn it and they've learnt it, and so on. So it's about breaking, trying to at least break that cycle, isn't it? But then that leads us on to being an adult and prioritizing still what other people think more than what we want. So it's that cycle of unless we start to check in with that as an adult, then we are still making our decisions, we're still showing up as the seven-year-old self because that's where we learn everything from. So, right now it's like, well, I'm still gonna put everyone else ahead of me because their needs, their desires, their wants, what they think is more important than what I think. So until we can honestly work on that and check in with ourselves, check in with ourselves on who we're being, what we believe, um, you know, where our behaviour is actually being driven from, i.e., our fears of being judged and criticized for putting ourselves first and for actually focusing on the things that we want in life, until we really look at that, that is that is where our behaviour will be will be driven from.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think we are slowly coming to a better place with that. I think you see sort of like my generation, maybe the generation younger are very I think quite loudly starting to parent in that way. Obviously, not everybody, but you do see a lot of it online of I'm not gonna, you know, push the things that were pushed onto me onto my children kind of thing. And I said the same as well. Obviously, when you're actually doing it, it's easy for me to say, I'm not gonna do that with my child. But I think it's different when you're actually in it because those learned behaviours and that just like natural feeling because that's how you were raised, will probably come through, and you'll actively have to be like, Oh, nope, we're not gonna do that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, 100%. Yeah, you do I catch what that's what I mean. I do catch what I mean. I I'm at least catching myself saying it. So I am con I am aware of it, and it's like then choosing something different in the moment, and that is essentially what it's all about. It's bringing these um unconscious behaviours, these unconscious beliefs, patterns that we see playing out in ourselves all the time, bringing them into our conscious awareness so that we can start to choose differently, um, and that is all we're doing with our kids as well. And I think we're so much information available to us now, so there's no like hate on the generation before us who did it differently. We are all just doing the best we can with the information and the tools that we have available to us. But I would say that is why that we struggle so much with putting ourselves first. It's as you say, learnt behaviour, and it's being driven by our fear of judgment and criticism for putting ourselves first because it's not something we are that we believe to be normal.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think as well, like this is something I say all the time when people complain about their parents or I complain about my parents. I think we have to remember it's their first time too, it's their first time being alive, it's their first time being a parent, they have nothing else to go off other than what they were taught. And obviously, like my mum is you know in her 50s. There was no internet then, like when she was growing up, it just wasn't a thing. Exactly, that's it.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. That's what I mean. Like the you know, there's so much information available to us now to learn and do things differently, to be so much more self aware, but yeah, that just wasn't available. That wasn't Available to your parents, to my parents, and yeah, everyone's just doing the best they can with the tools they have at that time, and so it's not about shaming or blaming. It's again self-leadership is about who am I being now and how can I show up differently to become the woman who I say I want to become, to be the parent, to be the business owner, to be the leader, to be the woman that I say I want to be, versus you know, just always falling into that victim of life. Like, how can I consciously create the life that I want?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think it is just the taking the accountability, isn't it? And like you say, you're the only person that can do it, nobody else is gonna come along and do it for you. People can help you and people can guide you, but no one can physically make those changes. It is down to you, and it's down to changing those habits and those beliefs, and how you're gonna do that. And obviously, that's where someone like you would come in to help with the the guiding of that. But I think there is a lot, and I know I'm guilty of it as well. Going back to what you said before of just making the excuses and not actually going, have I just sat and scrolled on my phone for two hours instead?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, and we're all guilty of it, Paige. Like you're not the only one. It's but again, it's bringing those, um, bringing that into your conscious awareness because it was so we're mindlessly doing these things.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it becomes a habit that your brain just automatically does it. You just grab your phone, phone goes off, you think, oh, what's that? And then next minute you've been on TikTok for two hours, just yeah, scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, and then you think, I can't believe two hours have gone by.
SPEAKER_00Exactly, yeah, exactly. And I think particularly for um, you know, like it just numb us. It numb us, we feel overstimulated, and then we're complaining that we feel exhausted, we feel overwhelmed, we haven't done the things, you know, like what we were just speaking about, we haven't done the things that we wanted to get done that day. So it's a big spiral of how you feel, yeah, how you're showing up, and actually your productivity, and a lot of it can all come down to how much time you're on your phone. That's certainly been my experience. It really came into my conscious awareness a few months ago, and I was starting to just feel really like a lot of brain fog. I was feeling really just overwhelmed, and almost like this, like I could almost like feel it here. I don't know if you can like relate to that, but like this feeling just here where you're just like, Oh, I just feel really overstimulated and just a bit overwhelmed right now, and then I was like, Okay, screen time, it's it's too much. Like, I'm scrolling in the morning, I'm scrolling in the evening, I'm you know, because I have to create content as well, but then the bad habits seep in. It's like you know, you like you say, you then next thing you know, you're looking at other people's content, and it's like, and then I've really become aware of that, and I've really reduced my screen time, like in the mornings and in the evenings predominantly, and I don't feel like that anymore. Like, I genuinely don't have this like feeling in my brain, it's honestly gone.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so it definitely has like a scientific effect on us, like obviously, it has all of the the dopamine um responses and stuff, doesn't it? You get all because we're getting that constant dopamine hit from scrolling, it exhausts your brain. It does, and it's it does.
SPEAKER_00We're overstimulated, we're constantly overstimulated, and then we wonder why.
SPEAKER_01Like our brain cannot cope with the amount of information that's just constantly being shoved in our faces.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's far too much, it's far too much, and then we're just like, but then so as you say, then our brain's exhausted, and then we're wondering why we can't think straight. Why can't we create a piece of content for our business that felt so easy? Like, why can't we think of anything? And then it has like that knock-on effect, then we're relying on like Chat GPT and AI to then think for us, and then you're then stuck, but then that's more screen time. Oh, and then it's like this whole spiral of events. Whereas if you could just cut back in the first place, just at least try that, cut back in the first place. Set yourself, you know, we have to create content. We know we just like said that it is part of our business. So set yourself time when you do that. Don't go onto other people's pages, maybe even set yourself. I mean, we can do content in other ways, we can like write it out on something else, we can use edits now. Like, we don't even have to go into Instagram to create a piece of content before you create it, you know. So it's just set yourself some boundaries around those, around how you're using your your phone essentially, and just set a timer. There's loads of great apps out there now that you can use as well in terms of actually reducing your screen time, and see if that makes the difference into how tired, overwhelmed, overstimulated you're feeling, and whether you're then getting your to-do list done.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, a really good one I've seen, I don't know if you've seen it, is it's brick, so it's like a little square that you you physically have to tap your phone on to basically unlock everything so you can go back on it again. Which for me, if I had an app, I would find a way to to stop it from working, or I'd just never use it. Whereas if I've got to physically get up, tap that phone to get it to unlock, I think that I would be more likely to actually utilize it. Like going to bed. Um, a girl that I know has one and she says she leaves it in the kitchen, so before she goes up to bed at night, she'll go and she'll tap it. She can't get it on her phone then until the morning when her alarm's going off, which she then can't turn off until she goes downstairs to tap it. Oh, I love that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that sounds great. I love that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because I think that again will have like a for me anyway. I am not great at getting up in the morning. So that's like a double-edged sword in a positive way. Because it'll make me A not be on my phone and be actually get out of bed when my alarm goes off.
SPEAKER_00100%. It's gonna that'll yeah, that sounds amazing because that cleans up your yeah, your nighttime routine. You're gonna get better sleep because you're not scrolling on your phone, and then yeah, you you're forced to get up at that time when you said you wanted to get up, but then you still hit that snooze, you're forced to get up, and once you're up, you're up. Like, yeah, it's fine, isn't it?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think as business owners, we I I'm not gonna tie everyone with the same brush, but I do know a lot of people do the same thing. I use the excuse of always being on my phone as it's work. It's work. Yeah, I'm working. And then my partner will be like, that doesn't look like work to me. I'm like, well, I was, and then I got distracted. But I think again that can because we feel like we've always got to be doing something, we've always got to be productive and take every minute you can to get something done, I think that pushes that burnout situation as well. Um yeah. So what do you why do you think female business owners and mums are so prone to burnout?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I think I'm gonna lean in again on the screen time stuff, but I think there's a some people are genuinely burnt out, you know, and we're overworking ourselves, but then I also want to pull it back to that whole what does your day actually look like and how are you actually spending your time versus how you think you're spending your time. So, again, the screen time that for me is just one of the biggest things because in my experience, when I feel that sort of like close-to-burnout feeling, it's actually because I'm over-stimulated, I'm over-consuming, I'm overlooking at everything. And it's like when I pull back, I create more space for myself, like you said earlier, about creating that space for yourself to actually get things done, um, to be productive over busy, we busy ourselves exactly like what you just said. We feel like we need to be doing something all the time, but that's not actually true, we just feel that way, and that can come from that feeling of you know, feeling like we're not doing enough, feeling like um, yeah, like we're constantly having to be proving ourselves and feeling worthy of the things that we're doing. But if in your day, if you're getting the things done, if you're leading yourself through your day, time blocking your diary, for example, on the days where that's possible. You know, I know that you obviously you'll have clients, and but on your admin day, time blocking your day, knowing what you need to get done that day, actually ticking off all the things so that at the end of the day you can go, cool, I've created my content, I've done the five things I needed to do for my admin. My phone can be put down, and I can just chill this evening or go out or go on date night or you spend time with my kids, or and just do it really consciously. But we're always trying to catch up, and I do honestly believe it's because we're over-consuming, we're overstimulated, and we think we're doing things, we think we're being productive, we're just being busy. There is a big difference, and we need to own that, and we need to be truthful to ourselves about what are you actually doing versus what you think you're doing, and let's clean that up. It doesn't need to be huge shifts in who you're being sometimes, and it's just simply cleaning up your day, cleaning up your screen time, and really looking at that because it we're all like we're all falling into that trap. Everybody, you look around, you walk around the streets, you walk into coffee shops, head down, everyone's looking at their phones. It's rare to see someone now just being. Yeah, it's like let's just practice that. Let's practice balancing our feminine and our masculine energies a little bit and just practice the being, the feminine side of ourselves. Let's just lean into that a little bit more and create that that time so that burnout doesn't, you know, burnout is a real thing, but I don't think it's as I think we use it quite the term quite loosely now. I think, oh I'm burning out, I'm close. But actually, have you looked at how you're leading yourself through your day and have you cleaned up some of those things so that you can actually tell me for sure that you actually are at full capacity? Yeah, that you actually are aren't doing you know the things that you don't need to be doing. Are you being productive over busy? And I think that also comes back. Go on, Paige, carry on.
SPEAKER_01Sorry, um, one thing I was gonna say about the the word busy is yeah we use that, and I think again, me personally, anytime anybody asks me, like, oh, how are you? How like how are you doing? I'm busy, I'm so busy, God, I'm just so busy all the time. I've always got stuff on. And I worked with a therapeutic coach a couple of months ago, and she was explaining like the way that we talk, obviously, your brain registers it, and if you're telling yourself and everybody else, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, that's what your brain believes, and that's what your brain then works off. That's your baseline. And I was like, Oh my god, it's so true.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so it's yeah, it's so true, and we use busy like a big thing. 100%, yeah, 100%. And we use it like a badge of honour, you know. If we're busy, then you know, we must be successful, right? Because it's a badge of honour, like being busy is a badge of honour in our culture, at least, anyway. And you know, it for somebody just saying just to not say that, I think we're all guilty of being like, oh, just really busy, life's so busy right now. But it it it's like that's how we make ourselves feel good about ourselves as well. So it's can we stop that?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think it almost is you portraying to other people, like you say, I am successful, I have got a lot going on. Because I think again, like you said, in our like culture, and especially when you are working like a service-based business, when you work with clients from a diary, you don't want people to think you've got no one booked in because then you're a failure. If you are fully booked back to back all day, every day, you're successful. That's what everybody's idea of success is. But I think the tides with that are shifting a little bit, and people are starting to actually realise that isn't what I want. That's not my idea of success. My idea of success is being busy enough to sustain the life that I want without it impacting my life. Yeah, and that's where I thought about that. Yeah, yeah. I think a lot a lot of people I know are now trying to pivot a little bit, do more online stuff, dropping clinic days, not working as longer days, having less clients in, putting their prices up so that they're still earning the same, they're just doing less so they have more free time.
SPEAKER_00100%, yeah. And I think that's where a lot of women struggle. Um, you know, the service-based uh, you know, skin industry and not just the skin industry, but women in general when they're running um, you know, any service-based business essentially, it's being able to put their prices up and actually still and feel confident enough to do that, believe in themselves and back themselves, and that a lot of that comes down to their fear of judgment, criticism, rejection, because they're afraid that if they do that, then people won't still come to them, or they'll find somewhere else, or the you know, they'll drop they won't come back to me if I put my prices up, and they're afraid of doing that, and that's when the fear is the thing dictating their behaviours. But as you then say, it's then driving them to you know work more, maybe get to that point of burnout. But if they can actually put up their price, you know, see their own value, that's really what I want you to do. It's like see your own self-worth. Yeah, like not tie your self-worth to your output, but see your value enough, see your own value that you can put your prices up so that you can see less clients but earn the same amount of money. Yeah, like that's what you should be doing. I'm not saying you do that in the beginning, you have to get to that point, but you need to be working up. But I mean, I work with clients who are like, I'm like, when did you last put your prices up? Two years ago. I'm like, what?
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_00So you you know, that's not okay, but you need to be doing you need to be putting your prices up, but a lot that is a it's an internal belief system that's holding them back from doing that, and you know, I really have to push clients into it sometimes. I'm like, come on, you know, this is the right thing to do. You're you know, I know what you're afraid of, and it's a you're afraid that people won't come back, but not only that, we use it as an excuse to like I always hear, but you know, I've got such loyal customers, I don't want to, I don't want to upset them, I don't want to raise their prices, and I'm like, Well, that's also a convenient excuse for you to stay very comfortable where you are because it is uncomfortable to put your prices up, it is uncomfortable to say to your loyal clients, my prices are raising by you know by whatever amount, but you're running a business and you've got a life to support, you know. This doesn't everything else around you is raising, all the other prices are raising around you, so you know you need to push that through, but it is a very, very easy excuse to say, Oh, but I've got loyal customers, oh, but you know, I don't want to upset anyone, I don't want to lose anyone. So I sometimes have to dig a bit deeper with that because saying that is the surface level reason, but the real reason is that they're trying to avoid the discomfort of actually doing it in you know in that next phase. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, so that leads on to the next question really, really well. But why do you think women in particular struggle so much with saying no or setting a boundary?
SPEAKER_00So I think we struggle to say no because again, it comes down to our fear of you know, not being liked, our fear of being judged, our fear of being rejected, criticized. Because when we're saying no to things, we're essentially well sorry, when we don't say no to things, we're we're abandoning ourselves in that moment because we're prioritizing what everybody else wants over what we want. So we're prioritizing their thoughts, their feelings, you know, how they perceive us over ourselves, over what we want. Does that align, does that yes that we say today, does that align with our goals? Does it align with our vision? Does it align with what who we want to be this week? And when we say yes, but it aligns with none of those things, we're completely abandoning everything that we've said that we want. And that's what I see so often, which is why, you know, that is why I work with women to to create that, you know, to overcome that, because we do it all the time, we do it so unconsciously, and a lot of the time it's might be because we're not clear on what our goals are, on our vision, on our reason for showing up every single day. And I think we need some clarity around that. I don't think everyone's always very clear on that. They're very clear, we're always very clear on what we don't want, but we're not always clear on what we do want. And I think when you can bring that clarity to your purpose, your mission, um, to your wants, your needs, your desires, then suddenly saying no to something becomes a whole lot easier because you can you can literally check it off. Does that align with who I want to be today, this week, this year? No, so it's a no, it becomes a very easy no, but we struggle with it because we're always prioritizing what everyone else wants over what we want, yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I think as well, for me, I have got a lot better at saying no and setting boundaries. Um I think what I really struggle with is I struggle with conflict, so I worry about how that person that I'm saying no to is going to respond, and then obviously having to deal with those emotions, and then how that will then evoke emotions in me, and then it becomes like a whole spiral situation. Like I cannot just let things lie. Like, I will think about it and think about it, and think about it. Like, if somebody upsets me or annoys me, that's in there for six months. Like, I just really struggle to let that go. So I and I think that is a really common thing again for women is feeling responsible for everybody else's emotions as well, and especially if we've been, in a sense, the direct cause of it by putting in that boundary or saying, Well, actually, no, I don't want to do that, or I'm not going to do that. What why do you think that we feel responsible for that and for people's emotions?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I think when it comes to other people's emotions, the most important thing is to ensure that you are showing up with integrity. So, you know, when we're putting in boundaries, it's like is that coming from an integral place, from a place of um neutrality, you know, where it's very neutral, it's just this is just something that I'm doing for myself. It's not, you know, it's not about revenge or getting back or doing something nasty. It's you know, are we showing up in integrity? And if we are, then we're not responsible for how everybody else thinks and feels. And one of the one of the ways that I certainly have overcome this is by taking responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings because it is hard, and you do think, oh, I don't want to upset people, but you know, when you start to take responsibility for yourself, so for your own emotions, anger, upset, you know, whatever it is that's coming up for you, then it's easier to then expect other people to do the same, but I think we have to lead ourselves in that way. We can't um we can't we can't be responsible for everybody else, it's draining. We can't not make decisions in our business, we can't make not make decisions in our life because of how it might make somebody else feel. I'm not suggesting here for a second that you show up and be an absolute bitch, but it's like you know, we're showing up from a really neutral, you know, place. This isn't about um anything other than just you meeting your own needs, and again, it comes back to because we feel responsible for everybody else because we're so worried about what we can't put our own thoughts, feelings, wants, desires first over everybody else's. We're just not used to doing that. So we feel responsible for everybody, but yeah, it's not the reality.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think, like you say, as long as you're not, you know, after listening to this podcast episode today, go right, that's it now, I'm only thinking of myself, I'm number one priority always and forever, and nobody else matters. I think it is it's fine to set boundaries, it's fine to say, Oh, I actually don't want to do that this weekend, I would much rather have some time for myself, or I actually don't want to, you know, take that opportunity because it just doesn't feel aligned with me right now. You don't have to do everything, you can say no to people and that'd be fine. And like you say, we're not responsible for other people's thoughts and feelings and reactions as long as you
SPEAKER_00Handle it in like a respectful manner, yeah, always, always, of course, exactly. And you know, and if anyone takes it any other way, then obviously that's just kind of how they're filtering it through them. But 100% it's it's being able to honour. I think once you're clear on your values, your goals, your purpose, like your reason why you're doing something, it makes it easy to like like you say, like maybe even turning down an opportunity or turning down something like that. If it's not an absolute yes, then it's a no. If it doesn't align with your goals, with your vision, with the reason, you know, and maybe you know, your goals and your vision include your family, include your life. It's not just about business, it includes everything. So this isn't me saying, yeah, like everything's suddenly self-centered and you're self-absorbed. It's saying, Well, one of my goals this year is to be a really present mum. It's not just about business, but that means that that is gonna dictate some of the decisions I need to make in business and about how I show up and maybe what I say yes and no to in my personal life. So, do you see what I mean? So, when you've got your goals, it makes it easier to make those yes-no decisions. So, where do I want to actually be spending my time this week, this month, this year? Okay, well, that doesn't align with that, so it's gonna be a no to the girls' trip this year, but you know, make sure you include me on the invite next year because it's probably gonna be a yes. Do you know what I mean? It's like things like that. It's like we get so worried about not being invited again, not being asked again, being rejected from the social group, and that isn't that doesn't need to be the truth. I think as long as we're showing up with integrity, honest, honesty, and being true to ourselves, there's nothing else for it to be, there's no reason for it to be taken in any other way.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think it's about who you surround yourself with and your circle, and in those situations, making sure that you do feel like you can, like you just said the example of like going on the girls' trip, feeling like you can say no and you're not then going to be ostracised. Like I know that I can say to my friends if we've got a night out planned at the weekend, and I've said, Yeah, yeah, I'll come, and then it gets to the day before or a couple of days before, and I just think it's just I'm just really not feeling it. If I say to them, look, I'm just really not feeling it, I'm not feeling it myself, I feel like I need some sprace or just some time to myself, I'm you know, I'm gonna dip out of this weekend, none of them are gonna come back and go, Oh my god, you're the worst person in the world, we had this planned, blah blah blah. They'll say, That's totally fine, do not worry about it. Whereas I know that some people will have those friendships that feel less like a friendship and more like enemies sometimes where they don't feel like they can be honest or set boundaries and it's a safe place to do so. Um and I think that can really be a struggle, especially going back to like the whole being a parent, feeling like they're your only sort of space away from that, and if you lose them, then you've lost that. But then are they enriching your life? Are they bringing positivity into your life, or do they just make you feel like shit all the time?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, oh for sure, yeah. I mean, you as you exactly as you said, who you surround yourself with and who you trust with your time. I mean, uh you know, that that is everything, isn't it? And that is what makes some things an easy yes, because it's like, yeah, I do want to go and spend time with them, but as you said, maybe just this week I can't make it, or you know, this whatever it is, it's but I just always lean in on the you know, as long as you are showing up with honesty, integrity, then it just can't be seen, it can't be taken any other way. And if it is, then as you say, then perhaps that isn't your group, and you know, when people are viewing you, they're viewing you through their own lens of life, and I think that's another reason why it's important that we just do what we need to do. Because if we did every we do everything the way you know that we're we're fearful of being judged for, you know, people are just projecting their views, their fears, their beliefs onto you. So you just have to again the honesty and the integrity piece because you have to know that what you're doing is aligned with you, your values. We're all so different and we're also unique, we've got our own journey, and we need to know that what we're doing aligns with who we are becoming, not who other people expect us to be.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, um to more like mom-focused questions now, because I know that a lot of the girls will be parents and will be mums to either younger children or older children or babies, or expecting or want to be a mum at some point. Yeah, obviously, as we have discussed, mums are crazy busy all the time, there's always things going on, and it is very unpredictable sometimes. So I was thinking before when we were talking about the time blocking situation, how would you navigate that as a parent of a young child that maybe can be a little bit unpredictable? Because the way I would imagine it would be right, I've set out this hour. I'm gonna do this, this hour I'm gonna do that, this hour I'm gonna do that, and then said child has meltdown, throws everything out of whack, then what?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, which is very common, not all the time, but definitely, you know, you can't anticipate sickness, you can't anticipate things like that happening, and so I think you have to like if you're not in a position where you necessarily you know have like paid help around you, and I'm not talking to those, probably those kind of women right now, and so I think the day-to-day run-in of the household is first of all, when these things happen, I lean back on the non-negotiable list. So it's like, what are the things that I really I know need to happen today? And everything else can wait. So it's like make your non-negotiable list not like really, really long. Maybe it's like three things, and maybe that is you know, if it's sickness, for instance, you know, you might have to close the clinic, like as an example, like that would be something obviously. I don't have to necessarily deal with that. I would have to cancel clients, I would have to move them. Um, I would say lean in on the non-negotiable list. The time blocking just it works until it doesn't, like, and you know, you'll hear people talking about it, and it's like you just have to roll with it sometimes. I don't think that there is an answer to to how you deal with those days where everything just goes like, oh my gosh, like I was supposed to do this, this, and this today, and now I've got my daughter on the sofa with the temperature, and she just wants to sit and cuddle me all day. Okay, well, what am I gonna do? What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna sit and cuddle her all day because she needs me, and I'm not building this life to be like to not be able to do that. That is the whole point, right? That's why we're building businesses, that's why we're taking risks, that's why we're being entrepreneurial and we're not sitting in an office on an I tour five because we want to build that flexibility into our life, don't we? Where we can say, like, okay, this isn't part of the plan, and this definitely sets me back. It might mean that I miss a deadline, it might mean that I've got to rebook five clients into a fully booked diary, but I will find a way to do that. But it but this is why I'm doing it, and I think sometimes we just have to have that perspective shift that we know we're not striving for perfection in life, we don't know all the answers, we can't anticipate everything. But how you lead yourself in that moment is is what everyone else is gonna feel from you, so your child, for instance, she's not gonna feel or he's not gonna feel um like a burden or any kind of panic. If you can just regulate yourself in those moments and just allow yourself to be flexible, honestly. I don't think there's there's not like um there's not an answer to that that that everybody can be like this. Is what I do when this happens, other than just allowing yourself to be flexible, and and meaning on the whole, you know, I say to clients all the time, I'm like, this is why you're building like you know, I had one client and she's like, Oh, you know, she got taken here, her kid was ill for about three or four days, and she had loads on, and it was like it was a lot for her. And I was like, But you're building this life and you're building a team around you so that you can be at home on these days. This is why you're doing it. So, how about start focusing on everything that could go wrong here, everything you're not doing, and just start focusing on wow, look what I'm building that allows me to now sit on the sofa with my child, maybe with your laptop. You know, I do that, like she's on well next to me. I've got my laptop on my lap, but I'm not seeing clients, but I'm still catching up on other things. I'm doing admin, I'm doing other bits, but it's just that degree of flexibility and giving yourself that grace because I think you can hear from women that you know you just need to push through, and but it's not the reality when you've got young children, it's just not. Yeah, you have to think about that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think for someone like me, pushing through is easy. I've got no one else to worry about other than myself. Whereas when you do have a child, they are your priority, they need you to be there and to support them and look after them and whatnot. So I think there can be a lot of that I don't know how to word it that like sort of toxic mindset of to do it, it'll be fine, you can do it, you can do it, you you've got it in here, you can do it. This is how we do it, this is how we get to where we want to be. And I think that is the point that makes women feel bad because if they're not doing that, if they're not doing a million and one things all the time, if they can't fit everything in and you know, be getting up at 5 a.m., going to the gym, coming home, making breakfast for everybody, getting the kids to school, going to work, doing a full day in clinic, earning 10k a week, like coming home, making everybody's tea, doing all the bed times, then sitting up till midnight, doing all your admin, then going to bed. It's it's not realistic. That's not, first of all, a healthy way to live because you're not looking after yourself. So that is gonna have an impact, whether it be mental health, physical health, in my you know, expertise, your skin, like that's where I see a lot of problems is when people are just overdoing it and not taking care of themselves. So I think we do have to be mindful of, like you've said, what your capacity is and how much you can do in a day.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's and it's showing up from a play, from a grounded space and a grounded energy, and knowing what you need to get done that day versus what you would have liked to have got done that day, and that's why I'm always leaning back onto the non-negotiables because I do find it so helpful to think, well, these are the things I know I need to do today, so I'm gonna get those done, but then anything above and beyond that, you know, and I'm talking about a day when you know something unexpected comes up, a normal day, you know, that's slightly different, but it's like when you know your child is unwell and that unexpected, and you have to you have to be able to be flexible because I'll say it again, but you know, what's the point in building all of this? If you can't, then give yourself that grace when you need to, and and but it comes from from truth, it comes from no the truth right now is this my child needs me, so that's where I'm gonna be. It's not you know, it's when we battle with um like a day-to-day way of being where it's like excuses versus truth. When it's it coming from a place of excuses, that's when we beat ourselves up at the end of the day. When it's come from a place of truth, i.e., I needed to be there for my child. There's no beating yourself up at the end of the day, and if you are, that's where you need to be checking yourself and leading yourself differently because that's when you need to ask yourself why am I building this if I can't do that? Like I need this is what it's all about. This is like I say, why we're taking all the risk, why we're doing you know, we're not sitting comfortable necessarily in a nine till five, which isn't always that comfortable, but you know, for different reasons. But you know, there's a lot on our shoulders when we're building businesses for ourselves, and but that should also come with being able to give yourself that flexibility and grace when it's needed.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think that's literally the whole point. Like, I saw a reel the other day, and it was captioned like I started a business to avoid the nine to five, and now I work 24-7.
SPEAKER_00Like, yeah, I saw something like that the other day.
SPEAKER_01That's literally it. That is exactly what we have done. The whole reason that we do this and do become self-employed and take on all of the extra work that you wouldn't have with a nine to five, is for flexibility, but then when it comes to actually utilising that flexibility, we feel guilty and like a failure because oh you know, I shouldn't have a day off, I should have a day full of clients making money. But then if you're doing you know seven-day weeks, which I know some girls that do every single week work seven days, when are you finding the time to enjoy the benefits?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like, what are you getting out of that essentially? Because if it's all about the money, then when are you enjoying that money? And you know, money isn't it, it shouldn't be about the money, it should be about the options and the choices that it gives you, and you know, that's what the money is, it's the freedom of being able to take the day off if you need to, and giving you that flexibility without guilt. Um, but also if you're working yourself, you know, into the ground, I would also question what are you getting out of that? Like, what do you gain from being that person? You know, do you get to say, Oh, I'm just the burnt out mum? Do you get that valid? Do you get your validation from that? You know, at home, maybe from your partner, you know, maybe it's like, oh, but I feel this way just because you know I'm so burnt out, I work so hard. And you almost get your validation from that. Like, that is literally you realize it, like this isn't something you're consciously aware of, and we do it all the time in our life, where we we do things, but we are you know, from that identity, we then get our external validation, whether it's through you know, being the victim, being the burnt-out mum, being the overworked, you know, whatever. And it's something to just clock because you really want to ask yourself from doing this, like by doing this, who do I get to be? Who do I get to say I am? What identity am I am I really claiming here through being that girl who works seven days a week? Because nobody's really applauding you for that, like, yeah, you know, so it's like what do you actually get out of it? And really question yourself.
SPEAKER_01Just like you say, who are you doing it for? Are you doing it for validation from yourself, or are you doing it for validation from everybody else? I think that's the the key point, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00Definitely, and and I say that with a lot of like love because I have seen that in clients, and it's not something they've been consciously aware of, and then when they've had that like light bulb moment, it's like, oh, I I really hadn't clocked that that was why I was really myself. Yeah, and once she'd had that moment, and I'm thinking of like one client in particular, and she had we had that moment, she was like, Wow, I hadn't realized that I was then going home and almost complaining about it, and that's how I was getting my validation. And like, actually, you can flip that around and get your validation in other ways in a healthier way. So once you clock it, we can then be like, Okay, cool, you want that validation. How do we get that in a healthy way? How do we get it through you actually going home going, I did all of my to-do list today, now I'm not gonna work the weekend, or you know, it's so, and then you get your validation in that way, like, well done, like you're smashing it, and you've got time off, and you're getting that like feedback from your partner or from whoever in that way, rather than it being from something toxic and negative, because really our mind doesn't like it, doesn't really care how you get it, like it just wants that validation, and it's an unconscious behaviour that we're not aware of, obviously. And but we can get it in a healthy way, but until you clock that, until you really notice that about yourself, it's just something it's just autopilot, it's it's completely autopilot, and so there's no shame, or you know, I'm not telling I'm not saying not making anyone wrong if they're working that seven-day week, but it's like I just urge you to question yourself and why are you doing that? What are you getting from doing that? Who do you get to be from being that person? And could you actually get receive that in a slightly healthier way?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think as well, like for me personally, this is something I worked through in therapy and with my therapeutic coach a couple of months ago. Was my whole sort of reason for doing as much as I was doing was money, and it was coming from like a scarcity standpoint from things from like my childhood and growing up and all of that sort of stuff that I just did not even realize I was doing, and then it was to a point where right, so my brain was stressed about not having any money, so I would work and work and work and work and work, but then as soon as I had the money, I spent it, it's gone. And that was because in my brain, unbeknownst to me, money equals stress, so not having money equals stress, but also having money equals stress because it doesn't understand the negative, so it just is money equals stress. So I then had to work through that and realise right, this is what I'm doing, this is why I'm doing it. I now need to be aware of it and put better things in place to try and like combat that, and just that realisation of oh my god, I can't believe that's what it is.
SPEAKER_00Definitely, yeah, exactly. That's it. It's clocking the behaviours, isn't it? And clocking the you know, what's actually driving my behaviours? What's the pattern that's playing out in my life? And can I actually yeah, can I bring that and can I can I break the pattern essentially? Yeah, it's not always easy, and it's it's having to choose consciously choose different every day, which is why so many of us are just not doing it, and we're just you know, just kind of almost life is just happening to us rather than for us because it's we're not consciously choosing differently, so it's it's effort, it's effort.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think it's the uncomfortability of facing those things as well, isn't it? Like our brains don't want uncomfortability, they want to be comfortable, they want to be safe, they want to protect us and essentially just keep us alive. That's like the the goal. Yeah, moving towards those things that can be perceived as uncomfortable and having those uncomfortable conversations and maybe realizing things that you consciously didn't even realise that can then bring things up can be really difficult. That's why a lot of people do obviously avoid things like therapy because they maybe know deep down I really should do that, but I just don't want to deal with it right now. I'll deal with it another day.
SPEAKER_00Exactly, yeah. Our mind is a very powerful and clever thing, as you say, and it will convince us that nothing's wrong with nothing to look at, we don't need to change because, as you say, it will always take the path of least resistance. Um, it doesn't want it wants to use the least amount of energy, it wants to keep us safe, it wants us to be loved and belong, and anything that goes against that, it will throw worst-case scenarios at you, it will tell you all of the negative things that could be happening, you know, always that is just something that we have to learn to recognise as that is just our mind, essentially, as you say, it's just protecting us, yeah. But when we can when we can realise that, when we can actually be aware of that, then it allows us to actually bypass it and choose differently. But when we're just sort of you know not consciously aware to any of it, then it is extremely difficult, it's really difficult because the mind is so powerful, obviously.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think that's where working with somebody else can be really beneficial because when you're obviously talking and going through everything, that to you is your normal, you're not gonna recognize as something that, like, oh, what's that? Whereas somebody else that hasn't you know experienced your brain can pick up on those things and go, let's have a look at that a little bit more.
SPEAKER_00Definitely, yeah, for sure. Like, honestly, with the conversations I have with my clients, and and I'm always in coaching myself. Like it's I'm always being coached as well, but it's like they're called blind spots for a reason because we are blind to them. Like you say, it feels so normal to us, and there's so many reasons and justifications, and and they always feel so real because obviously otherwise we wouldn't believe them. There's always truth to all of our justifications and our excuses and whatever else. And um yeah, when I'm sitting with my clients, and I I love it when we just spot something, and there's like the light bulb moment of like you know, like I said earlier about the valid the external validation, it's just like hmm, I've been doing that for years, and I just totally hadn't had that. It makes sense now, and it all makes sense now. Yeah, she's like, I do this all the time, and it's a real recurring pattern, and that is what we need to bring into our conscious awareness. It's just and there's no shaming, there's no blaming, there's no, oh why haven't I seen this sooner? It's just like cool, I've learned something new about myself. Now I can begin to choose differently. It's simply that, it's like seeing the pattern, shifting it so that you can become the woman they say you want to become. That's really what it's all about. Because when we're you know building businesses, all of our insecurities are thrown at us, all of our fears are amplified, and it just becomes like crazy. That was definitely my experience of like leaving corporate and coming into like building my own coaching business. Like, I thought I'd like had it all together, thought I knew everything, and then I was like, Whoa, there are so many insecurities, so many fears, so many wounds that are coming up for me. And I think when you can just start to see the patterns that are playing out for you, like the self-sabotage patterns that are playing out for you, then you can shift them, and then you'll see the difference in terms of how you show up and um how easy it is becomes to take different action.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I think if someone that's listening to this now feels just completely overwhelmed, what would your first port of call be? What would your advice be to start with?
SPEAKER_00So I think when it comes to feeling overwhelmed, someone described this really in a way that just really made me understand it recently. And it was oh being overwhelmed is indecision multiplied. So, in other words, what that's saying is is that you've got loads of decisions and you're not making them. You've got loads of decisions to make, but you're not making them. So when we're overwhelmed, it's because we've got all these things going on. So I would always recommend that you maybe write your write them down, get clear, like what am I overwhelmed about right now? Right, I've got all these things in life, all these things in you know that's going on, I've got to think about for my child. This is what's happening in business, like etc. etc. And then going, okay, so what are my priorities? And again, it comes back to that. What's my priority today? It's like just getting clear on what are the decisions that need to be made that I'm not making right now. And honestly, when you just start to approach it from that way and make decisions, we avoid things because we're uncomfortable, but when you start to lead yourself differently and make those decisions, the overwhelm drops away. It's when we're avoiding making these decisions that's when we feel overwhelmed. And I'm not suggesting then that life's just easy breezy, of course it's not, because we're always having things thrown at us, but we need to learn the tools and we need to learn how to show up differently so that we can make the decisions. Why are we avoiding these decisions? Like, can we just unpack that? You know, why am I avoiding making this decision? Oh, because actually, maybe like you said earlier, because that's something to do with money, and I feel I've got a real scarcity mindset, so I actually don't want to make this decision right now. Okay, cool, I understand that. So now I'm gonna lean in and make that decision. Like, it's just like getting clear in your mind, I feel overwhelmed because I've got a thousand things, but a thousand things that I'm ignoring, yeah, most of the time. Yeah, and doesn't mean you get to everything in that day, but even if you can make three decisions a day, like it's slow, you just start to feel more in control.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think writing it down or writing everything down is so beneficial. That's where I really saw a change in my overwhelming. If I start to drop off doing it as well, I can feel that building back up as well. And I think write it down. We know what to do, we're just not doing it. But I think being able to just get everything out just quiets everything. Like for me, especially everything just flying around in my brain. One, if I don't write it down, I won't do it. I will forget it, and I will remember it at another point where I physically can't do it. I'm in the middle of something else, I'm with a client, blah blah blah. So I have to do, I will all the time I'll stop doing what I'm doing and be like, I need to write that down right now, otherwise I'll never see it again until I've got to the deadline of it, and I think shit, I've not done it. Yeah, I was supposed to do that. So I think that is it sounds like such a simple thing to do, like oh just write it down, but it honestly does make such a difference, just get everything out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I love the fact that you said it's very simple because simple things are effective. We have we overcomplicate everything. If it seems simple, we're like that's too easy. Yeah, it doesn't have to be difficult.
SPEAKER_01No, like you can't just do simple things, and they can be really, really effective and helpful.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. I think like if, like, for instance, if you're not sleeping as well, and this is something like I was spoken to like my husband about a lot, you know, where he's like he's got a really busy busy like business as well, and um he's like, Oh, I just wake up in the middle of the night just thinking about all the things I need to do, and it's like, well, before you go to bed, write down your to-do list for the next day, and actually think about it so that you know you're not waking up in the middle thinking, oh, I've got to remember this, I've got to remember that. So if you're at a real point right now where you feel really overwhelmed, like you know, where it's waking you up, each night sit down and get into this practice of I'm gonna write down what I need to do, like what all the things that are running, it might not even be a to-do list, it might just be all the things that are going through my head right now. I've got a run-in list, I'm just gonna check it and I'm gonna add to it. Oh, these are the things that came up today, and I'm just gonna add to it, and you just have a little journal next to your bed and just get into that practice of just offloading before you go to sleep, and just see if that just starts to just calm your mind for you. And if you do wake up at 2 a.m. and you've got something in your mind, roll over, write it down rather than sitting there trying to make yourself remember it, which is what I've been doing before, and then you wake up in the morning, like, oh my god, I thought of like five things, I can't remember any of it. Just write it down every day. It's so it's simple but so effective. So the simple the simple things work, don't overlook them because they seem simple.
SPEAKER_01It's something I tell my clients to do a lot as well, because I get a lot of clients who really do struggle with their sleep, which then internally affects their skin. And I always say a really good thing to do before bed is to journal, just write everything down, your thoughts, your feelings, what you need to do, just get everything out, so then you can just go to bed with a clear mind. Or if you're having a lot of like negative thoughts or thinking, oh well, obviously, mine is more aimed at skin, so if people are having like a bit of a crash out about their skin, write all that down and then reframe it into a more positive way. So, yes, you might be having a flare-up, but I'm doing X, Y, and Z to help my body, to help heal my skin. So you can do the exact same thing as well. If you think, oh god, I've got nothing done today. Is that true? Write down some things that you did do, even if they're not necessarily working towards your goals. You got up, you got dressed, you made breakfast for everybody, you got the kids to school, you did this. They're all things that you have got done today. You've not done nothing. Yeah, so I think again it's like reframing things can be really, really beneficial as well, and turning the negatives into positives, which sometimes in the moment can feel really, really hard. But I think when you're writing it down and you can physically see it, you can almost detach from it a little bit and go, is that true? Or did I do this?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I think something's a really good thing to ask yourself, like, particularly like more towards the business side of things, is how is this happening for me? And you know, because something you know, what you perceive might just be annoying, negative, like not what you wanted, happened in the day, or you know, there might be something that's just like not really working out for you in your business right now, or just not going your way, and just writing that down and saying, How is this happening for me? What do I get to strengthen off the back of this? What do I get to work on? Who you know, what do I get to learn? What do I now need to go all in on? And really looking at that because that's gonna then allow you to know what like what you need to do next, rather than and also it allows you to be the creator rather than the victim. So when we're in victim mindset, it's just everything's against us, and you can't expect to change anything at that point. But if you can change it around to how is this happening for me right now, then suddenly you become the creator of the next step, and it's like okay, so you know, maybe this isn't going well in my business right now, but that means I get to work on this part of myself, I get to strengthen this part of myself, I get to change this belief, I get to tap into this behaviour and actually change it, which is going to benefit, you know, XYZ. So it's just another way to become the creator versus the victim in your life, which is what self-leadership is all about.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, it makes a lot of sense, and I think a lot of people will listen to this and think, oh my god, of course. Like now that you've said it, it sounds so simple. Actually implementing it is the harder part. It's like building those new habits and getting into those new routines, is where a lot of people do really struggle and where a lot of people will drop off from it. Um but I think it is just it's holding yourself accountable and making sure you're always checking in with yourself of have I done this today? Have I done that? Have I said what I was gonna do? I'm have I done what I said I was gonna do. I think it is there's a lot of lack of self-awareness just in the world in general, I think. But I think it's really, really important for us to hold ourselves accountable for things, and not in a you've been bad, you've done a bad thing, where it's not a negative thing, it's a really positive thing.
SPEAKER_00Definitely, no, it's it's taking responsibility for who you're being, it's taking responsibility for how you're showing up and how you're moving the needle that day. And you know, we're talking to other ambitious women who want to do big things, right? So if we want to be that woman, then we need to do the things that we can't just sit back and expect things to happen for us. No one's coming to save you, like it just does life, just doesn't work like that. So if you really do want to create change and you really do want to um, you know, create a business, do the things that you say you want to do, then you have to be doing the inner work that goes along with it, and that is self-that is taking responsibility, doing the self-reflection, looking at who you said you're gonna be versus who you're actually being, looking at where you, you know, you how you think you're showing up versus how you're actually showing up, and that's where the self-reflection comes in at the end of each day. You know, something I mentioned earlier was about you know, where did I lower the standard today after setting and committing to it? It's like where did I say I was gonna do something, and then I talked myself out of it because I was tired and all those things. It's like actually getting really truthful and honest with yourself about who it is that you'll be in, and then making making the changes off the back of that. It's really simple, you know. When you start to ask yourself these questions, let that be your work. It doesn't need to be, you know, always so complicated. It's like, okay, so I said I was gonna do that, I didn't do it. That's my work for tomorrow. I'm gonna make sure I do that because that's where we build self-trust. Everybody always wants confidence. I'm not gonna do this until I feel confident. And what I say is confidence, you know, we don't wait for confidence. Confidence is something we build. What we really wanna, but we've what we really want to focus on is building self-trust, trust in ourselves to show up for ourselves, trust in ourselves to follow through, trust in ourselves to not beat ourselves up when we have a day out of our control, you know, all of those things, because that's that's really like where it's at. That's when you know that you can do anything.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I think, like you say, with the self-trust and actually following through with what you say you're gonna do, if the night before you go to bed, you go, right, I'm gonna go to the gym in the morning every day, and you never do, you're then building that belief in your brain that I can't I can't do that, I'm not capable of that, I don't have the time, I'm too tired, and that's what your brain is then gonna start believing. Whereas if you just get up and do it, do the thing that you said you were gonna do, that solidifies in your brain, oh actually wait, no, I can do the things I say I'm gonna do. No matter how like small and simple they are, it doesn't need to be I'm gonna get up and find the cure for world peace today. It can be I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna make myself a healthy breakfast.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. It's following through things, yeah. If you don't ever follow through, your brain, as you exactly as you say, but that filters through to everything that doesn't just stick on the point of like, oh I don't believe I can go into the gym. It's like I I don't believe I follow through, I don't believe I can do the hard things, I don't believe I can show up when I feel uncomfortable, and that filters through to everything, so that when you've got you know a challenge in your business, a challenge in you've got to put yourself out there in a new way, you've got to start, you know, maybe you're at the very beginning and you're you know just getting comfortable on camera and you're gonna have to start speaking on things like this or on social media or whatever, you you you think you can't do it because it's uncomfortable, and the fact that you haven't followed through so far, you you don't trust yourself, and so most people don't even get started, let alone stop. Like, do you know what I mean? So it's like you need to follow, you need to build a set of something that you really want to do, whether that's just a basic morning routine, like if you're struggling with self-trust right now, which a lot of my clients bring this up a lot. You know, it's like I'm just not trusting myself. It's like, can I have some tools maybe around that? And it's like the tools are doing the things that you say you're gonna do. So set yourself some things, whether it's a morning routine, I'm gonna do my rituals. It might be 10 minutes, I'm not talking about like a big morning routine, but something that you know you do that that really helps you in your day, that keeps you grounded, and then follow through on it, like for like a month. Follow through on it, don't try and do everything all at once, but just small things and start to build that self-trust of like, cool, I said I was gonna do that, and I did it. I feel really good about that. You're reaffirming that belief that you can do the things that you say you're gonna do, and then the next thing comes up that feels a bit out of your comfort zone. Cool, I didn't think I could do it, but I you know I can do that, and then you follow through on it, and it's like it's just the building blocks, and the compound effect has it's is huge, it really is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think, like you say, the consistency is the key part. It's like it takes 21 days to start building a new habit, so it's 21 days where the pathways in your brain start to then actually form, and then I think is it 90 days for it to be a set thing that is in your routine that your brain just recognises that that's just something we do now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, just it it's got to be longer. I think people think, Oh, I've done it for a week, so I'm good. It's like, no, that's just you that and that's you being consciously aware and putting conscious effort into it. It's after that first week that everything then becomes harder because it falls off of your kind of priority list. The dopamine's uh the dopamine hit has gone because the excitement of doing this new thing is is well and truly over, and so now it actually takes you being consciously aware and consciously showing up, like you say, consistency over perfection is just it's so important in terms of building self-trust. It really is, and it's so undervalued, it's so we don't think about it like fully about how much it impacts us when we let ourselves down, when we break a promise to ourselves, we just think, oh, it doesn't matter. It does matter, it really matters, it really does, and I think particularly when you are building a business and you're you know we're having to push through hard things all the time, it's really important. And if you can't trust yourself, then you won't trust anyone else either.
SPEAKER_01So a hundred percent um we have got a couple of QA questions from the box that I've got on the Instagram story. Some of them we've kind of already answered, but I will read them, and then if there's anything else you can add in, then feel free. So, what one thing would you suggest putting into practice to help juggle work, admin, and life admin all while being a mum?
SPEAKER_00So I think it's probably what I've said so far, which is the non-negotiable list. It's like getting really clear on what do I need to do today versus what I want to do today. Because if you've got the extra capacity to do the one, great, but you need to know what it is that you need to do so that you can show up as a present mum at the end of the day, a present wife, partner, whoever it is, you know, whatever other hats that you wear. Because when you don't do that, I certainly speak from experience here. I do not show up as the present mum and wife, like I know that. So knowing what you need to do versus what you want to do, it also stops you from shaming yourself, beating yourself up, always feeling like you're not doing enough. That just goes away because you know what you need to do, and if you want to do a second point there, it would be the time blocking. But the one thing would be the non-negotiable getting really clear on that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, the next question is quite similar. So, how do you clean your house, remember dress up as a number day, remember pack lunches, fit hobbies in, scale a business, working face to face, and then come home and work on the admin? How do you actually juggle it all? Which again, I think we have covered I think the starting your week off by writing everything down as what you need to do each day, what is on that week if you've got dress up as a number day on Friday, write it down. Yeah, I think just having that plan that you can have another on the wall somewhere or in your phone or what however it would work best for you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, definitely. I I personally like to like on a Sunday evening, I might be sitting in bed or just whatever, but I'd have a look at my diary, like what's coming up this week, what needs to be done, and that's another thing I put everything in my like I use my diary on my phone. I'm not really a paper diary person, um, so I can see like what's coming up, and I'm like, cool, okay, what do I need to think about now? And do I need to time block some days? Do I need like it doesn't I don't time block everything, but I might just like a morning or just put certain things in and be like, cool, that's when I need to think about this. Get ahead of your week, and that is self-leadership. That is literally saying who do I who do I need to be this week and how am I gonna show up as her? So, yeah, Sunday night, look at your diary, get ahead of the week.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then the majority the majority of them are very similar questions, so we'll leave like that sort of one there because they're all kind of just the same answer, and then one more that I do want to ask is how do you overcome mum guilt?
SPEAKER_00Oh, I had this conversation the other day, it's so common, isn't it? I think with mum guilt again, it comes down to knowing why you're doing something, like why are you choosing to build the business? Um, why are you choosing to have a family? Why like really getting clear on the different pockets of your life so that showing up when it feels really difficult becomes easier because you can lean in, and not only that, but it's like it's clear to everybody, isn't it? It's clear to the family what then what the business means to you, it's clear to the business what the family means to you because you understand your reason why, and there'll be so many times when life feels really, really hard, it feels really difficult to show up. It you know, oh I'm gonna have to commit so much time to this, and but if you know why you're doing something, that emotional anchor will pull you through every single time, and that's one layer to it. And I would say there's another slight other layer to it, which is it's the it's the the concern again around what everybody else thinks over what you want. So I feel guilty about being a present business, you know, owner this week because I'm worried what everyone everyone thinks I'm a shit mum. Everyone think I'm a bad mum because I'm at work, or you know, vice versa. And so it's also getting again getting really clear on what you want, so that there is no guilt, it's like I know. Who I'm being this week. I know that you know I've communicated that today I'm gonna be at work longer. I've communicated today, I'm not gonna be at work, I'm gonna be at home, and it's like maybe your team needs to know that. Maybe your team needs to know on Thursdays I am gonna be doing this or that or whatever it is, you know, or committing to doing school runs, committing to being at home for dinner, like whatever your thing is, but just being so clear on why. Why are you doing whatever it is? I think that's so important, and it's the emotional anchor that you can draw upon every single time things feel difficult.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for sure. I think that makes a lot of sense and will be very, very helpful to a lot of people. That is it for questions. I've asked all the questions I had for you as well. If you want to tell us a little bit about what it is that you actually offer for women, yeah.
SPEAKER_00So I do my one-to-one coaching, and that's very intuitively led by the client, depending on what they need from me. But essentially, you know, as I've said a thousand times, but I'll say it again, I'm you know helping ambitious working mums really shift from prioritizing what everyone else thinks so that they can prioritize what they want from life, so that they can, you know, lead the business, launch the ideas, you know, and really live a life that feels aligned with who it is that they truly want to become. And I do that through one-to-one group coaching. I've got a programme called Fully Seen where we focus specifically on really overcoming your fear of um, your fear of rejection and your fear of being seen. So it really focuses on that, and it's eight weeks, and I've run that once before, and that was really really incredible. And I'll be running that again, I think, in July. But something else which your audience might really enjoy is my free seven-day self-sabotage challenge, which I'm running, and starts on the 22nd of June. So it's just seven days to identify your patterns of behaviour that are potentially sabotaging your success.
SPEAKER_01Hi guys, so unfortunately, we've had a little bit of a technical issue, and the last three minutes of the podcast didn't record. So, what Rebecca was talking about was her free self-sabotage challenge. So it begins on the 22nd of June. So if you see yourself repeating the same patterns and putting what other people think before the things that you want, then this could be the perfect place for you to begin. So you can find out more information about this by heading over to her Instagram at IamRebecca Harrington to join the challenge, or just drop her a message if you want any more information about it or anything else to do with working with her. But the rest of it did, as it was a long episode, and we got through so much amazing stuff. So as always, if you've enjoyed the podcast this week, share it, post your story, tag both myself and Rebecca in it. The more we push this out, the more amazing guests that I can get on for. I hope you all have an amazing week. And I will see you next week.