My Mess, His Message

In this episode, I share my personal testimony! At least the highlights. To touch on all of it, would take all day! Lets take an honest look at where I've been, what I have been through, and how GOD has met me in every part of it! This isn't a story of perfection, but of grace, redemption and transformation in the middle of real life. If you have ever felt broken, overlooked, straight up invisible or unsure if your story can be used, this conversation is for you! My hope is that through my journey, you're reminded that God doesn't waste pain and that there is always healing and hope ahead for you too!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, hello, hello. What welcome to the Born to Win podcast. For the ones who stumbled, the ones who have wrestled, and the ones who decided not to quit. Welcome. I'm HD, and this space is about real people, real stories, and a very real Jesus. Here we share testimonies of what happens when you stop running aimlessly and you start running with purpose. This podcast exists because none of us were created to live accidentally. We were created and born to win on purpose with Jesus. Whether you're brand new to faith, coming back after a long hiatus, or walking closely with Jesus, but hungry for more, you belong here. And if you're someone who doesn't believe, you belong here as well. And I hope we can change your mind. These stories aren't about having it all together, they're quite opposite. They're about what happens when surrender meets grace. And ordinary people say yes to an extraordinary God. So take a breath, lean in, and let these testimonies remind you that your past doesn't disqualify you, your pain is not wasted, and your race is far from over. So life has been lifing, you guys. Life has been liping. And it's been a couple weeks. We haven't had an episode. And I apologize for that, but I also said in the first episode that I wasn't going to let this stress me out because I know that sometimes life just happens. And so I decided over the last couple of weeks that I'm feeling like maybe I should. Sorry, the wind just blew my door shut. I feel like I should take this opportunity to kind of touch on my testimony as we go forward, since I'm the host, that you kind of know a little bit about me. So I didn't come from a place of having it all together. I came from the in-between, a place where I was constantly searching, questioning, trying to make sense of my story while carrying pieces that felt broken. I felt broken most of my life. And for a long time, I lived somewhere between who I was and who I knew I was meant to be. But on the outside, things could look fine, but on the inside, there was a deeper longing for peace, purpose, and something real. And my testimony isn't about perfection, it's about transformation. It's about the moments when God met me right where I was, not when I had it all figured out, but when I was honestly, when I was honest with myself enough to admit that I didn't. It's about grace that found me in a mess, love that didn't walk away, and a truth that slowly began to reshape how I saw myself in my life. You know, I have to say God is the only man who hasn't walked away from me in my lifetime. Three dads, all gone, boyfriends, husbands. And this is the story of how God took what felt ordinary, broken, and uncertain and began turning it into something intentional, whole, and full of purpose. So I have been a believer since I was seven. I was at vacation Bible school in a little tiny town in Oklahoma where my grandma Jackson lived. And if I could describe grandma in two words, Jesus and Billy Graham. And she showed me church, she showed me Jesus, she showed me Billy Graham and many others on her little TV screen and her record player that was always playing old gospel music. And so Grandma, I think, prayed for a lot of us. I think a lot of us in my family who have actually are still here, I think it was from the prayers of Grandma J. Um, my mom was raised a believer as far as I know, but I think she definitely walked away from that. We never had a conversation really about it. It wasn't something she really ever wanted to talk about. It's for some reason it made her angry. So I just never really had a lot of conversations with her. But when my dad, um, I don't think my dad was raised in church. I don't know if my dad was even raised a believer necessarily. Um, but when he remarried, he married my stepmom, and later in our life she became a youth pastor at a church in Maintonford, Oklahoma. And so I guess you could say, as a PK, that came with all that it means. I felt like on one hand, it was pretty cool. On the other hand, people were always watching us. And I felt like we lived at the church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night. And sometimes that was great, and sometimes that was a lot. I remember being at the church, but I don't ever remember us being in the Word at home. I did get grounded once because I hit my sister with the Bible. Um, so I knew that it was important, but I don't remember us ever opening it. I don't remember Bible studies or Bible stories or anything like that outside the church building. And so in the summers, I spent my my summers living at the church, church camp, you know, two weeks out of the summer. And then nine months of the year, I would go to my mom's, and there was no talk of Jesus. My mom was a believer, like I said, but there was no fruit. My stepdad was not a believer in any any real sense of the word. I remember going to church, I think, one Easter. I don't remember any other time we went to church. So one Easter out of my life with my mom. So I feel like I always kind of lived with one foot in each world my whole life. And that continued on until after 50. Um I can remember times in my life where I I look back now and I definitely believe that God got me through them, my faith got me through them, whether that was the loss that I experienced over and over and over. Um, when I was 15, my cousin was killed. He was 16, he was like a brother to me. And then my brother was killed at 18. Um, and then that was 2001 and 2008. Then my mom died of cancer, and then my sister got cancer, and my sister died of cancer, and my dad chose to leave us because honestly, I can't even tell you because why. I don't know. Anyway, my dad wants nothing to do with us. I've reached out and I've reached out and I've tried, I've tried, and finally to the point where um, yeah, there's nothing else I can do. But I had a great stepdad growing up, although looking back, he wasn't alcoholic, he was just a happy alcoholic. Um, life at the party, so much fun. He when my parents got divorced, um, he moved away. That was my senior year in high school, and um the loss of my brother did him in. He got off into drugs and he never was right again. I don't even know if he's alive at this point, but um that was a perfect example of to me of having even the faith of a mustard seed or having none at all, because my mom came through that pretty well, um, considering I've never lost a child, and I pray I never do. But if you compare the two, she definitely came out better, and I do believe that her faith was part of that. I know it was because she wrote about it in her journal, and um yeah, I think that her faith became a lot stronger when she knew that she was running out of time. But anyway, um, I was married for 18 years to the girl's dad, that was my second marriage. Um, the first one just really didn't work out. There's we're still friends to this day. We just it just didn't work. Um, I don't have anything negative to say about that one. It wasn't toxic, it wasn't, it just didn't work. Um, we were both too young, and there was other circumstances, but um 18 years of marriage to the girl's dad, and we were we started off, um, he was Catholic, his family was Catholic, mine was faith was non-existent. So, in the beginning of our marriage and having kids, we tried to raise our kids in the Catholic Church, and I could not do that. So when my mom got sick in 2006, we moved to Oklahoma and they converted and we started going to the Baptist church there. And once we came home to Kansas City in 2009, we were in the church that I still go to now, and we were very involved in that church. Um, he was an usher, I was a youth leader, our kids were on the worship team. Um, outside looking in, everything looked really, really good. And although we were doing all the things right, I use right in quotes. Um God was not leading our house. He was not the head of our house household, and um we were not in the word, we were living again one foot in one world. We were one way with some friends and another way with other friends, and it just um didn't align. And um, I look back and I think, gosh, I I there's so many things I would have done differently for my kids, and I should have I should have done things very differently. I should have been doing Bible studies with them, and we should have been reading the word as a family, and maybe things would have been different, but can't change um can't change that, and so here we are. Uh my kids, neither one. I have one that comes to church on an occasion, we'll call it um Easter and Christmas, and the other one who's no longer involved in church at all, and that breaks my heart because I feel like I could have done better. I was not a good example of a godly mother a lot of times in their life. Um, but you know, you can't undo things, they're just they are what they are. So in my marriage, um, I will say there was a lot of suicide threats, bipolar living and fight or flight most of my marriage due to his health issues and things that he just refused to take care of. And so it was always wondering when the next low blood sugar would be when he would I would get the call from the police he had wrecked when I um would get the call from his work that he wouldn't wake up, that they were calling the ambulance, like all these things was constantly going on. And um although I had lived most of my life in fight or flight, it wasn't to this level, and now it was a constant state of fight or flight all the time. And um finally, um, after 18 years, I got free and I found myself right straight into an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. It took me four years to walk away from, and um not gonna go into a lot of details about that because it doesn't matter, but I spent three years after that healing and working on myself and working on the relationship with my girls. Again, I wasn't setting the best example of a godly mom or a godly woman or anyone who even had value for myself, and I showed them really bad examples of marriage and love and relationships, and then just when I thought that I was in a really good place, I was I was attending church, I was closer to the church world than I was the other the secular world, but still half in, half out, and then I met someone who came in and swooped me off my feet and convinced me to he was gonna take care of me, and so I closed my business and I walked away from my home of 12 years and um went to start this life with him, and then what four months in six months in, six months in, he decided to take off with no notice, and um said he was gonna go visit his brother because he was not doing well and never came back, and so I had given up everything for that, and um, he had bought me a new car, which then he let them take back, and so just a lot of stuff that led up to then another relationship with a friend that became more than a friend that should never be more than a friend, and just living a life that I was never meant to live, and doing things and seeing things I was never meant to experience, and then um one week I lost my job, lost my car, my sister died, and the boyfriend left all within uh the boyfriend left the following week, so within two weeks, and so then I spent you know the winter hearing I gotta find a place to live. Like basically, I'm homeless with no car, what do I do? And and the Lord laid out steps for me that were exactly what I needed them to be at the time. I can see that now at the time I didn't see that at all. Um, I expected him just to poof, give me my life back, and that just doesn't happen. So um, just when I thought I was back on track, then um somebody else came into my life who I'd met previously through the previous boyfriend, and that was six months of pure chaos toxicity, and I say that to back up and say there were a lot of really good times. It was one of those things when it was good, it was really, really good, but when it was bad, it was really, really bad. And um the third time he decided to put his hands on me, I walked away. That was October of 24. Yeah, October of 24. So, in the process of all that, um, after that breakup, I hit rock bottom because I had not really dealt with any of those other losses. I just kept moving, I just kept going, and there was um a lot of drinking involved for six months. Um after the one person left, I'm not gonna say names, but after somebody left, there was six months of a lot of drinking on my behalf, which I had never done before. But this person I was with that was the lifestyle that they led. At the end of that relationship, I realized I had become allergic to alcohol, and at the time it made no sense, and I was just like, Oh my gosh, how could this be? And then um the next relationship, I will I can look back now and say, number one, I think God took the alcohol thing away because I would have it would have been a problem because I don't have been simple, things would have gone in the last relationship, one of us probably would have gone to jail, and um in the breakup, I could see where it would have become a problem because I just wanted the pain to stop. Because, like I said, between the the breakup, breakup, the job, the car, the sister, the breakup, it was too much. I was I wasn't done like depressed. Like I wasn't I had a moment where I called a friend, so I just can't do this anymore. And I didn't mean I think I said I don't want to be here anymore, but what I meant is I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I can't handle any more pain, rejection, toxicity, like all of the stuff that I had been dealing with my entire life, abandonment. I couldn't deal with anymore. I was done. And I remember he told me to go somewhere and write it down and pray. And so I went home and I literally laid on the floor and cried. And I can remember in that moment that I felt Jesus wrap his arms around me and pick me up, and from that moment on, I just started working towards Jesus became the only man in my life. It's been a year and a half, a little over a year and a half. I've not dated, I've not really talked to anybody. I've I'm being very specific. Anyone that comes across my path that is not what I'm looking for, I have to, you know, I can offer them friendship, but that's it. I have nothing else for them until it's exactly what I know I'm worthy of, what I deserve, and what God has for me. And so I've been spending the last time being all in for Jesus, and I'm amazed at the difference of my life. Um April of 24, I got a new job. I had a full-time job that was just everything I needed at the time. I loved what I was doing. Um beginning of 2025, I prayed. I said, Lord, this is the year of my comeback. Know what the word says that you're going to replace everything that I lost. In April, I got my own apartment, which is my safe space. I don't let a lot of people in here. I don't um I spend a lot of time alone because that's just for the first time in my life, I have a home that's safe and it's comfortable and it's happy and it's peaceful, and I want to keep it that way. So I do spend a lot of time here by myself, and I'm okay with that. I enjoy my own company, I enjoy being here in the time that I spend with the Lord and having conversations that are random and all over the place, but he understands. And so that was April of 2025, May of 2025. I was to a point where I needed to have a vehicle. The car that I had been using was no longer available, and so I needed a vehicle, and I kept going to the car dealership, and they would tell me that you know it's gonna be $680 a month, and I'm like, absolutely not, and I'm gonna be $640, and I'm like, absolutely not. I told him I said I need something um $425 is my max, and he was like, Yeah, we can't help you. So I left, and a couple of days later, the lady called and she said, I don't know really what to tell you. I said there's um a program that just hit my desk. We've never used it, so I don't know a lot about it, but the interest rate would be half of what we quoted you before, and your payment would be $455. And I thought, well, that's pretty close. I'll go ahead and do it. So I went in, I picked out my car, he got my car, we're signed the papers. He comes out, he's laughing, he kind of smiled, he goes, This is funny because I don't know why, but for some reason your car payment's lower, it's $423. $423 a month. When I said my max was $425 on a program that nobody had heard about, nobody had used. The only thing was that you had to have they put a GPS on the car. Okay, well, I'm gonna pay the payments, so there's I don't care if there's a GPS on the car. Cool, we got it, let's go. So then that's my car story, and then um everything from then on has just been blessing after blessing after blessing from people popping in my life and telling me something that I they're like, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I just feel like I'm supposed to tell you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's something that I've been praying about to somebody giving me an envelope with a nice sum of money in it at my church, and it just said, I hope your 2026 is blessed. I don't know who it was from. It was at a time when I was questioning a couple of things financially, and there was the blessing. And so God just keeps showing up in my life in these ways, and um I'm just getting to the point where I just can't deny how much he's active in my life, and that not only am I saved, I've been saved my entire life, but now I'm sanctified. I'm living my life for the Lord and living a biblical life. I I don't listen to secular music, I don't watch secular movies, I don't go out to bars, I don't, um, and it's not to say that I'm better than anyone else. It's not to say that I'm judging people who do. My point is it's a it's a slippery slope for me. And if I'm not careful, because I'm so new. Into this a year and a half, year and eight months, whatever, of being all in, I don't want to take a chance on sliding backwards. I don't want to backslide ever again. I've done that over and over and over and over and over. I don't want to do that anymore. So although I've been a believer my whole life, I'm a baby Christian, but I'm hungry for knowledge. I listen to podcasts about God. I listen to sermons. I listen, I read books. Like everything that I intake has Jesus behind it. And, you know, people call me Jesus freak, and I'm okay with that. I take it as a compliment. I've been called a fundy, which is basically a fundamentalist Christian. I'm okay with that. Um people have made comments about my Facebook is nothing but Jesus anymore. I'm okay with that. And the reason is because I've I've been I've been in the dark, I've been in the deep dark, and I don't ever want to be there again. And all I can do now, I can't undo what I didn't do for my kids growing up. You know, one of them does come to church occasionally, one of them absolutely does not. Um, one of them is with the believer, one of them is not. I can't undo that. All I can do is be the best example of a Christian mother, a Christian grandmother, a Christian woman that I can be going forward and hope that they see Jesus through me. And then I pray that Jesus does the work in them. But I can't undo the mistakes I made in the past, and I've spent a lot of years just feeling guilty and shame and all kinds of things for what I didn't do correctly. But then I also see people who have done it all right, and their kids are still not in church, they're prodigal. So I, you know, but I know that right now I am on fire for Jesus. I want to bring as many people to him as I can. Um, I am thankful for every person who listens to this podcast, whether you are not yet a believer, completely against being a believer, um a believer who may be different beliefs than me. Like, I want us all to come in here and be welcome, feel welcome and feel like we belong. And obviously, I want to. My ultimate goal when I die, when I leave this earth, is to leave a legacy that I can be proud of, to get to heaven and hear God say, Well done, faithful servant. And to have a line of people that know Jesus because of me. That's my goal. Nothing else matters. I can't take any of this with me. I can't take my car with me. I can't take my job with me. I can't take, I can't take any of it with me. And so I hope as you listen to this podcast, the episodes, you listen with an open mind, because some of them will have topics that maybe you're it's out of your box, it's out of your comfort zone, it's out of your thought process. I pray you listen to the entire episode, that you have an open mind, that it you allow for maybe it to give you a different perspective on some things. And I pray that you feel not that you feel, that you know once you listen to some of these of how people were so in such dark places and they were so dirty, but God took them and made them clean. He took them dirty and made them clean, and he can do the same thing for you. And I just I just hope that you know that your greatest wound becomes your most powerful medicine for another soul. Everything that you've been through gives you power. I also want to say that I had a friend tell me yesterday I was teasing her about not checking in on me and how I'm always having to check up on her, and she said, I just know whatever you're going through, you're gonna be fine. And yes, to a certain extent that's true because my track record is 100% that I've made it through. But I want to tell you that your strong friends need you to check in with them as well. Sometimes even the strong people struggle, and so um keep that in mind. But that's kind of what this podcast is is intended for going forward. Um I hope that you you stay and you listen and you learn and you grow. And um, if you need prayer, please email me the motivational mentor 2023 at gmail.com. Let me make sure that's right. Actually, my motivational mentor2023 at gmail.com or leave comments on this episode. Um, I'm a connector as well. Um, it's what God's called me to do, along with some other things, is speaking and sharing my story. And uh, if you need something, I have a huge network of people. I would love to connect you with what you need. And um, as I close, I just want to remind you that my story isn't about perfection, it's about grace. It's about a God who met me in my lowest places. He didn't turn away from my brokenness and is still shaping me every single day. I still fall, but he picks me back up. And if you're listening and you feel like your story is too messy or too far gone, I want you to know that you are not disqualified. There's hope, there's healing, and there's purpose, even in the parts of your life that you wish you could rewrite. Oh my goodness, I used to want to rewrite so many parts of my story, but now this last year I realized my story is what got me here. And um, I had to go through most of it to appreciate. We've got to we have to go through the lows to appreciate the highs. We have to be in the valley before we can appreciate the mountains. If we were always in the mountains, we wouldn't appreciate it. Be like, oh, here we are again, stuck up on this mountain. Isn't it beautiful? Pretty, pretty, pretty. And we wouldn't even appreciate it. Um, I went to Colorado and went to the top of Pike's Peak, rode up there on the Harley, and um I got to the top, and it was just I'd never been to Colorado in the summer. I'd always been snow skiing, cold, winter, or snowy kind of time of year, and I just could not catch my breath at the beauty. But again, I wouldn't have appreciated it if I hadn't seen the snow part. So anyway, we have to have the good to appreciate, we have to have the bad to appreciate the good. And usually in the darkness is when we grow the most, and the valleys is where we learn the most and we overcome the most. And so it's all it's all necessary. But I want to thank you for letting me share a piece of my journey with you. I pray it encouraged you, reminded you that you're not alone. And I hope that it points you back to the one who restores what feels lost. Wherever you are right now, keep going. Your story is not over, and there is still beauty ahead. So I hope you tune in to all the other episodes that are coming. We have some great guests coming up, and I'm super excited for the rest of this season, and I thank you, each and every one of you. I love you, and I thank you for being here and listening to my story. Thank you.