LIVED - Rachel Hilditch: The Courage of Gabe

Eight years after the loss of her son Gabe Smith to brain cancer at just 13 years old, Rachel Hilditch joins us to share her story. 

Rachel reflects on Gabe's extraordinary courage as he faced his illness, the heartbreak of losing a child, and the reality of navigating life and motherhood in the years that have followed. She speaks openly about grief, faith, hope and the enduring bond between a mother and her son.

This is a conversation about profound loss, but also about love that never fades, the resilience of the human spirit, and the ways we continue to carry those we love with us through life.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to our podcast Lived. I'm Mary Ann Sayers. Today, our guest is an extraordinary woman. She has endured one of life's most cruelest and devastating experiences. Her son Gabe passed away in 2018 at the age of 13 from brain cancer. And Rachel Hilditch is here today to tell us a bit about Gabe's story and also her own journey over the last eight years. Welcome, Rachel. Thank you. Thank you, Mary Ann, for having me. Lovely to have you here. So, Rach, I'll also mention as well, you and I are good friends. Yes. I've known you for around, I was trying to work it out, around seven years. Formerly known as Carol Baskin. Carol Baskin. Still in my phone, is there? Am I? Yes. Am I? I was like, hey, Siri, call Carol Baskin. Calling Carol Baskin. What was the name? What was the name of that? What was the name of that series? Carol Baskin. Tiger King. That's right. Anyone who hasn't watched Tiger King. Yeah, at the time during the song Carol Baskin. Carol Basman. Rachel, okay, so let's go back. Let's go back to say 2015 before all of this unfolded. What did life look like for you? Your single mum? Yep. Let's let's hear about it. Well, the kids were um Gabe was 10, turning 11. Um we moved into a place in Evoka just up from the beach. Beautiful little beachy three-bedroom home with our dog Tully and Memphis was a teenager, and Gabe was excited because he could run down to the beach and surf. And it was the first time I'd would started letting him go down in the morning on his own, which was, you know, hard at first. And then uh in the afternoon he'd do the same after school. And um one time we were like, he should be back by now. And we went down there. I couldn't find him, and until he died. Anyway, um, Memphis goes, There he is, and he ditched his surfboard and he'd got someone else, someone's cubby board and was mucking around in the shawries, just having in the time of his life while I was dying, going, Where's my son? So he loved the water, loved it, loved it. He didn't care if it was a surfboard, uh a body board, a clubby board, he or just doing shawl dumps. He loved it. Wow. Yeah. And so, okay, so your days, so lots of days at the beach. Yeah. Um, and how sorry, how old was Memphis, did you say? So diagnosis, so we'll talk about that, but he was 11, so she was 15. Right. Going on 15 when he was diagnosed. Okay. So let's move forward to that time. So 2016, 15. Yeah. Yep. So so tell us, just set the scene for us and lead up to what was happening there. So I guess it was about three weeks, the lead up, I'd say, of the first time he was at primary school at Copa Cabana Primary, and they'd schooled ring and go, Gabe's doesn't feel well. He's had a bit of a vomit, and I'd go and pick him up and be like, man, you alright, because yeah, yeah. And he said he had a headache. And I went, okay, come home, you'd have a sleep, totally fine the next day, back surfing, back at school. And then I think the next week, so that happened once in that week, and then the next week it happened again. And then he complained of a little bit of a headache, and I thought maybe he needs glasses, you know, and um had another vomit at school. Same again. He would back to normal. Um, but it was the third time it happened, and I'll never forget it because it was a Wednesday, and not because it was a Wednesday, but I'm remembering it was a Wednesday. Um school rang, Gabe's unwell again. So I picked him up, came home, I put him on the couch with a uh Duna, and I've actually took a photo of him that day. He was asleep, and I know lots of mums do that with their sons and or their kids because they're so cute. But I don't know, I just took a photo of him and I thought, gosh, he looks unwell. And then my mum instinct just kicked off. And I'd had a friend that long time ago that had had a child that had a benign tumour that was inoperable but still totally fine. And I don't know why. I rang her and was like, what are the symptoms to I didn't think anything like brain cancer at all. Um, anyway, and then I thought, you know what, I'll just take him, I'll make an appointment. And I got him into the doctors that day, and you know, I you know, I have a strong faith. I firmly believe this was God absolutely um stepping in because I took him to the doctor's, explained to him. Gabe's walk was a little bit wobbly that day, and his um, I think his right eye was quite dilated. Anyway, the doctor said, Look, I said, I want to get a scan. Again, it was just coming out of my mouth, and I just wasn't going, Oh my god, he's got a tumour at all. These things just were coming out. Yeah. Anyway, he said, Oh, okay. And I said, And don't, I don't want to CAT scan on MRI. Now, doctors don't give you MRIs first. So you were saying this is saying all this stuff, yeah. Can I just ask, just just to backtrack a bit. So, you know the episodes that he was having and of vomiting. Over what period? Was this over a month? Was it three weeks? Okay, so it was over three weeks, but it was only three times in the three weeks. Right. Yeah, it was really strange. But the third time it was just something in me that kicked off again. I believe it was God saying, move. Right. And so got the MRI, um, and I said, I'll go down. He goes, Oh, you won't get an appointment. And I went, Yeah, watch me. Don't mess with the lioness type thing. Yeah. So I rang them, got him in, eventually said they said no. And I said, Well, I'm bringing him down. There was this sense of urgency in me that I've never experienced before. Did it, went down there, and then sitting in the in the hall, a gentleman came out and he was like, I remember looking at him, looking up at him, and I was like, I was saying, Are you okay? And he looked at me and he said, There's a there's a mass on your son's brain, near this brain stem, and you need to get back to the doctor and go to the hospital. And I just remember tears just started pouring down my face. And I didn't, it was just like they just came out. And then I remembered, oh Gabe's here. And I just had to just pull myself together, and I just thought, don't panic, just don't panic, you know. That night we're in Ramwick Hospital. Right, that's how quickly things moved. Yeah. So yeah, you've been given this couple of sentences from this guy to say you need to get to hospital. So you went up here to the No, we went straight to Ramwick. Right. So we went to we got the referral from went back to the GP, got the referral for Ramwick because I knew that that's where um the top brain surgeon and um chemotherapy ward, the the professors there were outstanding. Um, so I wanted to go there and that's where we went. And then they uh did some further scans and the same result. Yeah, he had a mass near his brain stem and had to have brain surgery. Right. Yeah. Do you remember at that time going down to the hospital? Do you remember how how was Gay? What was he saying? Like his dad came as well. I rang him and we all went together. We just kept it light. I don't think it really sunk in, yeah, any of us. Yeah. So we just chatted and you know, and gay being 11 and full of joy, just do do do. Oh, I'm hungry. Like life was going on as normal, you know. Yeah. Spent the night in hospital, and then yeah, he came home for a few days because we had to organize the surgery. They put him on steroids and um, yeah, go from there. Right. So what and so the process from that point, what happened from there? Yeah. So then we headed back for his initial first brain surgery, which was just as, you know, at that time you I had made a decision that I didn't know what this journey was gonna look like. You know, and I thought, okay, what I can do is break it up into points of time. So I just stayed in that day. And so I knew that day they're gonna operate on him. So that's all I'm thinking about. We don't know what it is. Is it benign? Is it malignant? I'm not going there. So I was really firm in that. And because I'm a big believer in, you know, what are we panicking about? We haven't even stepped into that yet. That, you know, and fear has a way of creeping into us and destroying and us being present in that time and in that day. And Gabe needed me, you know, as his mom and to be strong. And so goes in for surgery, you know, it was awful watching him go under, and then you've got to lift your hands up and trust those surgeons, yeah, to take care of your your child. And um, I knew we had the best team there, and Matt and I had ran around the hosp the hospital, and we got um people to look at his scans, even Charlie Teo's team. And Raj Reddy was the surgeon that we went with and was the best choice. Yeah. Right. And coming out of the surgery, so what did that look like? Yeah, so it was this, I think it was in total seven and a half hour surgery um on the side when he did this big fancy look like a lightning bolt off the side. Um he unfortunately suffered a bleed in surgery, and they got half of the tumour out. I'm grateful they didn't dig for more, because that could have done at that time more damage. Um, so he suffered stroke, so left side um couldn't move his left arm, couldn't use his, wouldn't walk. He had a droop on the side of his face and the sm the quite telling smile that we ended up calling his pirate smile. You know, and the side. So um seeing him in the ICU, I lost my mind and had to go find it again. Right. So I left because I went went in to see him, and it was just so confronting in there. It you know, it's a child children's ICU, yeah, and it's quiet, and there's machines and it's seeing your son hooked up to everything. Um, so I left, lost my mind in the bathroom, and then, you know, thought, okay, pull yourself together. Right. Okay, here's another time where you have to be present, you're not moving forward until this part's finished. So just constantly intercepting your thoughts when they constantly to run away and and he's here, he's breathing. Wow. We're not painting a picture that you don't know. You don't know how to paint that. How did you have the mindset for that? Because a lot of people would get lost in that having faith. Yeah, yep, 100%. I just kept saying to him, I said, Jesus, you've got to take the wheel. As Carrie Underwood would sing, you know, just take the wheel. I just, I fully, honestly believe that he really carried me through that. Because I imagine that people might think that with faith, in the face of such profound um hardship that you're going through, um faith can either be strengthened or it can fall apart. So how did that, how was that for you? How would you describe your faith during that time? Well, I think knowing God and having a relationship with him on the daily, in a non-religious way, because he's about relationship, not religion, like it's about this constant discussion with him, and he's got big shoulders, you know, so he can take my anger, he can take what's why is this happening, you know? And I might not get all the answers of why, but I know who he is, and I know that he is faithful, and I know that um whatever happens, he is still on the throne, and I'm why I'm his daughter, Gates, one of his children as well, and he loves us. And whatever happens at that time, I just kept thinking, okay, whatever happens, it's and I just kept hearing in my mind, or that he was speaking to me saying, These are chapters, you know, this go through this like a book, like it's we're gonna write this chapter together, we're gonna write the next chapter together. And there was a moment, or I just want to share real quick that um every month Gabe would have a lumbar puncture. So they he put him to sleep and they'd put um methotrexate chemotherapy through his spinal fluid. Um, and I remember what the first time he had that done, he came out, was in recovery, or walked in, and he's sitting there and um I said, Are you all right? And he's had tears. And this is the first time I'd seen him tear up. Actually, it was the second. The first time was when they told him he's gonna lose his hair. Oh, bless. Um, you know, because he was had this beautiful blonde surfy hair. But anyway, and I said, Are you all right? And he said, This is gonna be a big story, mum. And it was funny that he said story, because I'd been hearing chapters. You were right, right? And I said, Yeah, yeah, it is. I said, but we don't know the ending. I said, but we're gonna do a chapter at a time, and we get to decide how we walk through each chapter. So we're just gonna pull it back, yeah, you know, and let it unfold as it does. And he, you know, you had a cry and a hug, and next minute he's given flicking you the bird and saying, Oh, your your butthole, and you just all the gabe things. A flicking of the bird became a big thing, yeah, yeah. How long was Gabe in ICU for at that stage? I think it was a total, I think it was about a week. Yeah, yeah. And um, I was staying upstairs, I had like a parents' room area. Right. Because you weren't really supposed to stay in there, you could come down and there's certain times that you have to get out because they they like to do all their things. Right. But um, even in that moment, like he fought when he was coming to and he was still gr he was able to speak a little bit, you know, um, he was taking everything in, everything. I'll never forget it. He would hear everything, and then he started vomiting, and I I'm like, It's because he was flat. And so I reefed him up, and the nurse came over and he vomited all this green stuff, lots of medication and everything. And I was started to get a bit teary and a bit, you know. And he's going like this with his his hand he could use, and he goes, Mom, it's fine. They said this would happen. Oh, he was your he was your calm. Yeah, he's just like, oh, you know, he must have heard them say he's probably gonna have a moment, you know, it's fine. Yeah. So I'm like, okay. Um, and from that point, so we was was he able to come home? Um no, no. So we went straight into the neurology ward. Yeah. Um, and then pretty much he had his own room, it was in the um C2 South, and fantastic ward, and pretty much straight away physios type type stuff, like to have supports on his hand, because you've got to it couldn't move in anything. Um, we had to get him to sit up. So that was the first thing, getting him strong enough to sit. I remember taking a photo of him when he first sat up in the bed, like on his own, and just different steps to, and then it was sitting on the end of the bed, and then I've got videos of the physio coming in, we're getting him to do a sitstand. Right. All of that sort of thing. It takes so much time. So to get him home was a total of I think we were there for two and a half months. Right. And then um uh because he had to sit stand and transfer from a wheelchair to the car to the to home and make sure that the home was safe for him to come home. Yeah, a ramp at the door and so much, so much. What was that like when he did come home? Oh, it was so good. Yeah, just because there's that I I remember I did lose my not my temper, but I was a bit like he needs to go home. And the nurse is like, we know. I'm like, no, he needs the ocean. You don't understand? Because I thought he was ready a week before they were like, No, he's not ready yet. And now I know, you know, but at the time it was just so much living in the hospital and being overwhelmed. Anyway, yeah, we come home straight down to the ocean in the wheelchair just to sit and breathe it in and you know, have him there. And it was just yeah, really good. And all his friends, I imagine, he's a very popular boy. Yeah, come and visit, and everybody was so supportive, and the school was great. Because he was in, was he in year six when when the um year five. Year five. Halfway through year five. Right, yeah, okay. Yeah. And what about you? I mean, in terms of you, um, were you working at that b before the diagnosis? Because everything would have just had to have changed. Yeah, yeah, I was working at a local um cafe Sol Rondo, it used to be called in town, um, as one of the chefs said. Um, and that just stopped as a single mum. Yeah. Actually, I was working two jobs at the time. I was working at their bolo as well, but um just stopped. And then all of a sudden, all this support and love came in, and someone started to go fund me. And, you know, because there was rent to pay, yeah, all of that, fuel to get to you know, Ram Week and back and parking, and none of that's covered. No. So I was very, very blessed with the community and you know, God again making sure that the needs were met that you were looking for. But up far and above and beyond. Yeah. Yeah. So Gabe's home. What's happening from there? So at this point in time, what are the doctors saying? Okay, so while we were there, yeah, um while we were there, we um got the diagnosis. So we go into a room, you know, the professor's there, and Matt was there, and um and they said it's malignant and it's brain cancer. So that was the first time I'd heard brain cancer. And if you're not in that environment or you've never been, uh we haven't got cancer in the family, and you've never been, you don't when you hear that those words together, it just you think, what they can't the words kind of hang in the air. It's weird. Yeah, it was a really bizarre, and I just went, what does that mean? Like, what does that mean? I've never heard like I've heard cancer, but brain cancer, what do you mean? And then they said, okay, it's quite a rare and aggressive um brain cancer. So it's atypical pteratoid rhaptoid tumor, ATRT. Sounds like a dinosaur. Yeah. So, and then they went on to say, you know, um, it's a 12-month protocol. So, protocol being the recipe which is used to treat such a thing. And then the protocol was created at the Dharna Faber Center in Boston in America, and um, that's the recipe they use for that type of cancer. And we were like, Matt, I remember Matt going, 12 weeks. And he said, No, no, no, 12 months. Oh, really? You know, and you just go, whoa. Yeah, yeah, it was a lot to take in. I can't imagine. I can't imagine. So the next few months for Gabe. Yeah, so we didn't spend much time at home because we you have to get on with treatment. Yeah. So wheelchair outbound, um him and I became very close because when he he was very rarely home, but when he was, he was in my bed and with the feed machine and the everything and had to rely on me to take him to the toilet, get him dressed, and the same in the hospital. I slept by his side, like you know, it and I'm grateful for that because it's unheard of for a mum and her child to be 24-7 together, yeah, and we know the ending, and so I got two years of that before, and you know, I'm thankful for that. Yeah, definitely. We became like an old married couple, did she? Yeah, you know, you finish each other's sentences and go, oh, shut up, and like, yeah, whatever. Wick the bird. How was Memphis through this time as well? Because I guess you had a lot to yeah. We my parents would come up and stay at the house, and we tried to keep her life as normal. Normal as possible. And go to school, be with your friends. But it was hard. I mean, it and at the time I was so fixed on Gabe. So there were things at the time I missed, which later we tackled. Um, it was really hard for her. Yeah. Her mother was absent.

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Yeah.

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You know, and she wouldn't have talked about it then. She was a teenager. Yeah. She just she just was getting on with it. But it did affect her. It really did. And I don't think she knew she didn't have the capacity or the whereabouts to where do I put this? Yes. You know, to even understand. Oh, totally. So did Gabe get to a point in that year where he was in what is regarded as a remission? Is that so through the year um lots and lots of different um things happened as far as getting severe peripheral neuropathy to severe nerve pain in his feet from the Vin Christine, one of the chemotherapy drugs, and having to have a a peg put in for feeding. Like there was so much to it. And lots that's what kids have to go through with cancer. It's not just the cancer, it's the collateral damage of it all. Yeah. Um, which set him that peripheral neuropathy put set him back from doing physio. Right. And so we got really slowed up on him walking again. So he did 15 months in total of treatment. Um, it got a little bit delayed with him being so unwell. Um then he was, I think it was Christmas 2017, November-ish, we got a scan that was he's in remission or Ned, no evidence of disease. So we used to call his tumour Gary. Gary, yeah. He would be like, fuck Gary, just die already. Um, and then we called it Ned. Yeah. And so because there was no evidence of disease. And we had Ned for December, January, February, March, April. Yes, about six months. Right. Yeah. What happened at the six-month? So every three months he'd have an MRI, which is standard. Um, so he had one in the December, which was um clear, and then March 26, 2018, uh, we had a routine one, and he was walking part-time. So he had a bit of a zombie limp on him, and his left arm was still quite weak. Um, could manage to give me a semi-bird out of the head. No, like part-time, just when he could. Yeah, because he was exhausted. Um, people probably don't realize when you have a brain injury, um, like he did, it's um exhausting mentally, and also because you're trying to walk, you're doing physio, your whole body is learning to operate again at a different level. So part-time he started high school, you know, with his best friend Max. And I've got him going into the school, and um, as he's doing his zombie walk into school, he's behind his back, flicking me the bird, as usual. But um, that was really cool. Um so then that scan, we went to Ramwick. I remember being up in the cancer, there's a clinic, it was called Clinic C2 North, and all the kids go in and have day treatment or they have um appointments, and Gabe's up there chatting away to the starlight captains and having a laugh. And then, you know, we get called in to the office, and I just said the the day before to Professor Ziegler, Oh, I'm I I've got sc've got scanxiety, like anxiety about the scan. Right. I said, he's had a couple of headaches. Should it's probably nothing, you know. I wasn't freaking out. So anyway, he came in and we got called into the office, and then we're all sitting there with the social worker and the fellows and prof, and he said, There's another mass. And I gave, I'd never seen a reaction like it. He went, he stood up and he went, No, no, no, not having it. And he he zombie walked out of the office, and the God love, the starlight captains, they caught him and they took him downstairs for a chat. And I just lost my mind. I just lost my mind. I just remember um one of the doctors handed me a vomit bag because I was just dry heaving, thinking, what, what? And I saw it on the screen and it was, you know, quite sizable and it was in a different area. So that was just such a a kick in the guts, you know, like after all that time. And I think I and even at that moment, I still uh seeing it, I didn't go there. I didn't go, oh, he he's gonna die. I just didn't, it wasn't in my mind. And I really think that was God protecting me at that time because he knew he knew what was gonna happen. And he and and he knew that this time was gonna be precious, you know, that for me to just stay, okay, until I have that again in front of me in black and white, yeah, he's here. Yeah, yeah. So track forward to again another brain surgery, which miracle happened, a small miracle, all these little small miracles through it, but um, it was Easter, and they never operate on Good Friday, ever. But he was quite unwell, he'd started vomiting again, and I rang and said, What's going on? And they said, Well, actually, we're gonna get him in. And Raj Reddy came in and he picked, hand picked a team to come, and he was operated on Good Friday. And um, I remember coming out of the theatre and crying, crying, crying, and one of the doctors came out and said, Look, I just want you to know that this is unheard of, and each one of us are here for Gabe today. Right, you know, right, and said, We've got we've got him. His personal team. Yeah, because I said to him, I don't, I I need him to come out of that surgery just as is, just as he is, not because he came out the last surgery, he couldn't walk. Yeah, you know, he had all those, like, so that was playing on my mind. And he said, Yep, okay, I understand. So he did. He came out, actually, he came out of that brain surgery with another lightning bolt down the back of his head, and he came out with less complications as last time from last time. Right, you know, so he was in ICU for less time. Right. Yeah. And I remember going in, you were not supposed to sleep there. And the nurse said, Oh, and I said, Oh, well, I'm about to see you move me. Well, exactly. What are they gonna do at that point? What are they gonna do? I thought I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving, so I stayed with him in there. And then then track forward to being in the clinic after that, and I still was like, maybe it's uh radiation narcrosis, maybe it's from having so much six weeks of radiation, because that can happen. You get scar tissue, right? So there's all these things going in my mind because I still needed to see it that it was of an ATRT again. Anyway, it was. We got the news that, yep, it's presented itself. Um so now unfortunately, that's when the news of there's no protocol for a relapsed ATRT. There just isn't, which is mind-blowing to me over 30 years of research, and we still don't have in the situation where it reappears and represents itself. Yeah, right. And that's the mystery of the brain, is that they just can't seem to um over overcome it. You know, two out of ten children survive, which is it's it's the toughest of the lot, you know. And so we're like, well, what are we doing? So they put them on, he put him on immunotherapy, um, which at the time I was like, well, what even is that? It's uh to me it was like a band, like a band-aid, you know. Um so he was he came home and we did that, but yeah, it was really, really tough. Right. Yeah. How long was he home for? Okay, so they said, let's that's right. So we had immunotherapy, then we were due to have it again in another few weeks. They had MRI'd him and they said, We're gonna do another MRI in eight weeks. And I said, Oh, okay. We got to just on six weeks. I'd had him home for a few weeks. Um, and he was very lethargic, very tired, a bit vomity. And I said to his dad, I said, I I'm not waiting for two another two weeks, like this. And I kept ringing again, the lioness in me went, we better rise up, girl, because you've got to now be the biggest advocate, you know. So I kept ringing the hospital, spoke to the head of neurology, and I said, He needs an MRI this week. Like, and oh, well, you know, there's side effects too. And I said, No, I this this isn't happening. So I get a call, Professor Ziegler said, yep, bring him down and we'll get him in on the emergency list. So we went out on the Thursday, and then um they had we waited to have this MRI on the Friday. We had it at 5:30 on the Friday night, and then Gabe and I were up in C2 Um West, which is the chemotherapy ward, and we're talking to all the female nurses and having a great time. And then I get pulled into a room and told, you know, it's that's it. There was nothing more they could do. And it was it had taken over a lot of his, you know, brain. And at the time I didn't want to see the scan. It just knocked me. I just, I can't even I I remember falling into my social worker, Christine um McCursey, who was so beautiful. I remember falling into her lap and just yelling no, like, no, what do you mean? And then I instantly said, Does Eagle, what are you saying? Like how much time? And he said, Well, we get this wrong a lot, and it's a lot to ask a professor, you know. And he said, Oh, a week, if not days. And I just thought, I can't, I can't have it. That's too that's too short. What do you you know? So it was that moment, I it it it it's it's out of bodily, you know, because then all of a sudden the meeting's over. They leave, and you're left there, like yeah, what what do I do now? And life's still moving, you know. So he rang his dad, his dad came, and then of course we had to tell Gabe. And I said to Professor, you're telling him we'll be there, but you you need to tell him this. This is not on us, like, and he was so lovely. So we go into the family room, we're sitting there, and uh, Professor Ziegler's opposite Gabe, and he's he says to Gabe, I'm so sorry, but uh the the um cancer's back and we've got no more treatment for you. And um and you know Cade said, Am I gonna die? And he said, Yeah. And he you're gonna remember he was 13. And I'll never forget it. He stood up, looked at Professor Ziegler, put his arms out and said, Thank you for trying for me. He said, Thank you for trying. And he hugged him, and Professor Ziegler's face was white. All right. And we were like, like what an example of gratefulness. I know, you know, in the face of stuff. In the face of such devastation, you know. It takes me back to that scripture that says, Death, where is your sting? You know, where was his the sting in that moment for Gabe? It wasn't there because Gabe he had faith too. And I'm not saying that in that moment, like if there's still processing for Gabe, I get that, but to have that as your initial reaction is a sign of a child that knows his worth and knows he is loved, you know, and knows that whatever come what may. Yeah, yeah. You know, he he knew he knew eternity, he knew he knew he was gonna see me again, you know, and but just that moment was so beautiful and powerful. I never forget it. And he's Professor, you know, got an email and he said it he'll never forget it. Really? Yeah, ever. Yeah, yeah. And in his office, he's actually got one of Gabe's emoji cushions, the one that goes. And it's you know, but yeah, that was really powerful. So then we stayed the night in the hospital, Gabe and I. And um the next day we drove to Bear Cottage, him and I. So Bear Cottage in Manley. Yeah, it's a palliative and respite centre for children. So you have high needs, disabilities go there to have respite, and their family from all around Australia, and then their parents can go off and have a break and stay elsewhere, and but also young children from the excuse me, the Sydney Kids Network go there to to pass away. Yeah. And it's a beautiful, beautiful facility nestled into near Chili Beach and all in and around that area. Beautiful path down the back that weaves down to the water. So wheelchair, you know, you can go down there. All your meals taken care of, your washing, and it's not a hospital vibe. All the rooms are different, they have beach names, like there's Burgola, there's Clontaf, and um Clever Clair Valley and Um 40 Baskets, there's all sorts, and then downstairs there's some like bigger units, so your whole family can come. Our dog Tully was there, and um, they have the magic rainbow of medications, the palette of the old gamut. Yeah, yes, yeah. So they they put him on that, and for a child that was carrying what he was, he came, he he was good. You know, he was we were getting bucketless things. Mick Fanning came down and we had lunch with him. Yeah, yeah. Him and Ace Bucken took us out to the boathouse and um Mick Fanning was pushing him up the hill in the wheelchair, and because he was a massive supporter of Gabe throughout it. Yeah, right. Yeah, fantastic. He's just a lovely, lovely man. It was very, very kind. So this period now becomes about experiences and memories. Yeah, that's that's really what the focus is at this point. Um, stretch hummer rides with me to Pilu, the freshwater restaurant, you know, amazing. We had a beautiful, fancy dinner and um helicopter rides. Um always wanted to do paintball, wasn't old enough. So the the local MP age restrictions. That's right, okay. They got involved. Matt's partner Jenny got that organized, and channel nine came down and he got choppered to the place out at Rousehill, I think it was. We drove and he took the helicopter. The police helicopter, mind you, that picked him up in Manley. And choppered him down, and channel nine were there videoing everything, and he got to shoot the MP and a few police officers and his dad and friends. Oh wow. And they helped him with that because he only had the use of the one arm, but he did really well. Yeah. Yeah, it was so fun. So lots of things like that, and um lots of memories made, yeah, you know, really special. So that was um tracking back to what Prof. Siegler said, we were there for seven weeks and we had the best part of five and a half weeks to six before the the decline. Right. Yeah. Amazing miracle. Like wow to get all those things ticked off. Time with him. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And since then, Rach, just sort of moving through that time that gay passed away. What was sort of after that period? Yeah. So he um yeah, when he did pass, it uh shock of course, like just it's it's such a biz I can't put it into words because you knew it was gonna happen, but when it does, there's this thin veil that I say, like it's the before, then there's the after. Like you um people have touched on it that may have had kids that have been in a car accident or had cancer and they've had this time where it's like, are they gonna make it? But until that veil's lifted, until you actually pass through it's this different world. Yeah, you change. It's something is is broken, yeah, you know. So that was me. There was a part of me that was broken, you know, and I say that that gabe-shaped hole in your heart that will always be like that, you know, and it was deep, deep grief. And I I threw myself into kind of educating myself about grief. Right. Because you feel like you're going mad, you know, there's so many things that affects your body, everything. I couldn't cook a dinner for Memphis for four months, really, yeah, yeah. You know, and and then trying to mum, trying to parent, um, that went out the window. Yeah. Had to revisit that in counseling with mem, you know, like just and you change. I changed as a person, yeah, who I was before. Right. No, I I I don't even know who that is anymore. Perspective changes your needs, your wants, your the way you look at life. Yeah. And it's different. Like at the start, I'd be I'd walk down the street and be like, How are you having coffee? How are you happy? I wouldn't say it to them, but I'd think it. Because the rest of the world is going to be. The world still moots. Yeah. It doesn't stop for anybody. And bad things can still happen, even though the worst of the worst happened to me, life still goes on and it doesn't stop for nobody. And that was hard to go, oh, okay, wow. You know. But then I was also really blessed that I had been donated by a beautiful, beautiful person I'd met in um the Ronnie Mac house, was Michael Crossland, and he travels, he had cancer as a child, and he wrote a book, Kids Don't Get Cancer, a long time ago. He's a beautiful man, and he'd ended up with a premature baby who is still with us. And we connected, and he connected with Gabe in Ronnie Mac's. He paid for three months' rent at home. Right. Things like that. Just things like that. You know? Bought Gabe a drum kit because Gabe happened to mention, this is when he was here, you know, happened to mention that he wanted to play the drums. Thanks, Michael Croslin. Got a one armed drummer like the drummer from Def Leppard. Oh, yes. But he, you know, things like that happened. So in amongst the devastation, there were bits of beauty. Glimmers. And I I think at the time it's hard to see them, but over time you do you go, oh, it's that if you mirror moment, that's where you were working, that's where you were doing that, you know. Clarity comes with that, doesn't it? When you over time, yeah. And I imagine you formed some pretty close connections with other families that you met in the hospital. And how is it transpired since then? And that's the thing too. Uh going through the child that the hospital and meeting other families comes with again, it's so it you know what it is, it's sad. It's really sad. And that also changes you because not only were we going through our thing, but I saw other children not make it before Gabe lost his fight, you know? So learning how to traverse that as well. And and and and Gabe's walking through that, but still remaining, not becoming bitter, not becoming angry, you know, that's so important.

SPEAKER_01 45:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:08

Um, we'll never understand why these things happen. I think one day we will. Um, but it's no one's fault, you know, and God doesn't set out to do these things, you know, He sets out to make it right. Yeah. You know, and however that looks, whether I see this side of eternity or not, he sets out to make it right. Yeah, yeah. And in terms of you since then staying on the central coast at that point, yeah. How did because that would have been extremely difficult, but also, you know, this is your home as well. And like Gabe, you are so connected to the ocean. So, how were those ensuing years after that in terms of you trying to to get back? Yeah. I think yeah, the ocean was a had a big part to play, and I started swimming a lot more doing ocean swims. And I talked to him a lot in the ocean, and his memorial stones up on the point. So tell us about the memorial. Yeah, how does that come about? Well, it it's right at the end of the footpath behind where there's a like a fishing sign and there's it a book of beach. Yeah, yeah. So out on the central coast, so out looking the ocean too, so it faces the ocean and where a lot of the guys walk their surfboards and they go down the rocks and jump in. So um I got this beautiful sandstone um what would you call it? It's like a slab on the rock. It's got it's beautifully done. Yeah, you know, it's got a um a photo in there as well. It's done on porcelain, and it's and I just found this flat spot perfect for it, and we I think we liquid nailed it down, I'm not sure, but it's there, definitely. Yeah, and it a little place for me to sit, because I think a place of remembrance is really important, you know, where you can go and have a minute and breathe in the ocean. And um, and that's it was very, very special. You know, sometimes I go down there and someone put a little flower there, and you know, that meant a lot. I often go there. It's just as you said, it's just so peaceful there as well. Yeah, looking at other waves, just crushing. Yeah, you'd love it. Yeah. So life for you now, Rach, because you're no longer living on the coast at the moment. So talk a bit about the last few years because I know you had some struggles with just Yeah. I look, I had to move from the house, and again, that happened at the right time. We thought it was going to be sooner, and then the owner was like, no, no, no, you can stay. That was another little gift that was beautiful. And as time went on, I started finding myself getting a little bit scratchy, kind of, I'm not too sure. Like I loved the ocean, I loved where I was, never thought I would leave. Um, but I kept going back to going to Cunabarabran, where my friends lived, uh, for country breaks. And we'd met in hospital, that's a whole other story. And just quickly touch on that. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Because I think it's a lovely place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, it is. And so Trish and Pete Knight, I met in Ronald McDonald House. This is when Gay was doing rehab to learn to walk. And their son, Charlie, was 16, and he'd suffered a bleed on the brain at school in Coonabaraban, very nearly died, got choppered to Ranwick. Um, very touch and go, massive brain surgery, full craniotomy. Um, he'd lost left side mobility, couldn't walk, couldn't use his left arm, um, had a bit of a pirate smile. Anyway, we we caught wind of him. I talked to Pete, her husband down there, and you know, Gabe caught of it too. And he said, Oh, I'd like to meet Charlie, you know. Um, he'd had someone pay it forward to him. As when Gabe first came in, it was a young boy called Cooper who'd come off his skateboard and had to learn to walk again. And Cooper had said to Gabe, you know, you can do it. And I've done it and talked him through. So there's that whole pay it forward thing that Gabe had, you know, and that kindness thing that was coming out. I said, okay, yeah, yeah, we can we can go up and meet him. Poor Trish was wide-eyed, just fresh in, didn't really want to meet anybody, you know, but said, Yeah, okay. And then um we went up there, and I'll never forget it. Gabe again, zombie walked into the room, and there's Charlie laying on the bed. And Gabe shook his good hand and just started saying, Hi, I'm Gabe. And I had this, you know, had a stroke on, you know, and and lost left side, and you learn to walk again. And and Charlie's just looking at him, just wow, you know, and I've got a photo of them both together, and and it was just this pictures of Cuna Barabran all on the walls, beautiful horses and their property and everything, because Charlie was a massive, uh big horse rider and a very, very good horse horse rider and show jumper, and six foot three at 16. And it was a beautiful, beautiful moment. And then Trish and I connected, and Charlie has never forgotten it and remembers that moment, and he said it changed everything in him that day. Right. Seeing a young boy who was on his feet and he was laying in bed, not even there yet. Coming and giving him words of encouragement and wisdom. Yeah, yeah. Your beautiful boy. Yeah, I know, I know. And God love Charlie, he's walking, he's here, yeah, he's got the zombie walk, and it's I see when I see him, I'm very connected to him via Gabe. It's there's a real tangible feeling, and I get quite teary when I see him because there's so much about him that's very much like Gabe, but not in physic just physically, but they've got the same kindness and the cheekiness and and the pirate smile. So I kind of live vicariously watching, as I do with a lot of Gabe's friends, but Charlie, there's a very special spark. So you'd spend some time up in Cooper again, some country jaunts. Yes, and then and you know, every time I went, um, I just go exhale, yeah. Just calm, no chaos. Um, you could hear the roosters, the cows mrrrr out the window, and the horses, and of course, um our journey with Big Gabe. Yep. And um was retired and ended up going up to Kernabarab. That's right. And I was at Mag he was at Mangrove Mountain for a while, and I'd visit him nearly every week and brush him and nervously walk this giant thing back to the paddock. And um, but he was meant to go there. And the the guys at Warwick Farm had affectionately named him Gabe. Yep, and he had the charity name Love Like Gabe. Yep. But God love him, didn't want to run very fast. Did he? Wasn't going to be a race horse. But that's absolutely okay because look where he is. I know, and it's been a few times that Trisha and I have stood there and gone, full circle moment, like going, look at this horse. And the therapy I've done on that horse. I've, you know, look to ride him, and you know, just our connection is unbelievable. Yeah. And we laugh about it because Trisha's been around horses for her whole life. And when she met Gabe, she said, I've never met a horse like it. He's affectionate, he's a pleaser, he's kind, yeah, he's everything my son was. And I know people think, Oh, it's the horse. No, no, there's something so special in him. And I feel like, thanks to you and James Moss and Tri-Colours, that he didn't know. James thought he was just going to raise a race horse. Yes. He was raising a love horse.

SPEAKER_01 53:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:20

A heart horse, for me especially, that I can connect with. And he puts his head on my chest and we breathe together. And there's been many moments like that where it's been very special. I think there's something pretty incredible about equine therapy. Yeah. That's proven and you're living it and you're experiencing it. Yeah, and him and I are learning together, and we've done cross-country now together, and we've learnt show jumping, and I did break through your ribs for a little bit there. So you're riding a lot up there, Henry. Yeah, excuse me. I am. And um, that was again tracking back to feeling I got to his place, and I think in life that you can't rush things and you can't push things. I think when they're right, everything falls into place. And God's really gentle like that, you know. And I remember laying on the beach and I had to find a new place to live, and I thought, oh, I'll just cuna parain and realestate.com. You found yourself doing that? I just did it straight away. And and sent Trish the emoji going, hmm. The thought emoji, yeah. You know? Could it happen? I was laying literally on the the beach, just and I found a house. And then it was just like this light bulb moment. And within three days I had the house. I think I moved within two weeks. How long have you been up there now? 18 months? Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Got two dogs now. Yep. Uh, beautiful country three-bedroom home. Um I get to ride most days. Yeah. The property, um, Coonamon, it's called beautiful property that they had. They've got Devon Cattle, is only 15 minutes out of town. So this is um Peter's property. Which when I'd go, I'd say I'm going to my heart home. That's what I'd call it. Because I'd go and just feel, oh, and I feel like in my grief journey, um, which is always going to be ongoing. It still goes, it doesn't stop. I needed less chaos in my life. God love Evoka, but it was getting hectic. And I got to a place in my life where I just went, I need a my nervous system was going, help. And there were things that I needed to be in a position, and I fully believe, and I've started therapy again, and we're tackling some traumas, and I hadn't dealt with the trauma of watching Gabe die. You know, it's who does? Who who I'm not saying that, and neither is the counselor saying that we're gonna heal your grief and you'll be fine, but I wasn't there's things that I um I need to tackle to move forward in in my life and and find joy because joy's been a bit fleeting, and I think not tackling some of it, I'm preventing myself from experiencing total joy without the grief chaser, if that makes sense. Yeah, it does. So coming to Coonabaraban, finding myself, you know, I'm in a space where I'm ready to look at different things. And you needed to get to that point. It couldn't be before, absolutely not. Sorry, but before in raw grief, which people can say raw grief is one year, two years, five years. For me, it was quite a long time, is self self-soothing. Yeah, you're doing a lot of self-soothing, you're not dealing with anything. Yeah, could be drinking, could be going out, could be retail therapy, all of that sort of stuff. Um which whatever it takes, right? To get through the day. But it then God starts to go, Hey, hey, what are you doing? Yes, what are you doing? You know? So that's where I'm found myself. I think that's going to be incredibly helpful for anyone listening who has gone through an experience of losing a child or looking after a child who's going through a terminal illness, and just as you said, the journey of grief, you've just you've kind of got to allow it to take you along that pathway and not try and resist it or overcome it. Yeah. Would that be what you would yeah? And also what I've come to realize is when grief shows up unexpectedly, sometimes it can be triggered from something you've seen or watched or smell or or it's not, it it just turns up. And I think the the hope is that it's welcomed, it's become of become a friend of some sort. It's an unwelcome friend, and you go, Oh, hello. Righto, buckle in, have a seat. And I think I wrote this thing once about it that that's you know, because if you resist, you can resist all you like, but it's it's gonna come and and and you you'll feel it here, and and however, if it's tears, if it's you need to just stop and rest, or you've got to allow it. And sometimes it's still hard for me because I when I do get the heavy grief waves, because they are like swell, right? It'll come, but it will pass as well. That's the thing, isn't it? It is, and remembering in it, when you're deep in it, this too shall pass. This will, but it's man, it's hard. It's hard because sometimes it doesn't pass for a little while, especially in raw grief. Yeah, you know, especially raw. Um, and then all of a sudden it has, and then you might be with a friend or you're out for dinner and you're having a little chuckle, a little laugh, and you know, and then you go, Oh, I'm in the real world, yeah. You know, welcome back, sort of thing. Yeah. And then you say to grief, I'll see you soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So life going forward, Rach, for you? Um horse rides, raising my new puppy and my other dog. Because you've got two dogs. We've got two dogs now. Forest and Bubba, like factionally known from Forest Gump, which was mine and Gabe's one of our favorite films. So, um, and hopefully a husband. A husband, want to find a husband? That would be nice. I'm really put it out there. Just yeah, just saying. Um hopefully over six foot. Like, just saying. Just saying. Anything else? Uh, all his teeth. Look, I'm I I I keep saying I'm ready. I've been ready for probably since I moved to Kuna. I moved to Kuna Baravin, yeah. And was like, hmm, okay, smaller community. Yes. Some of them don't have their teeth. No, they love, I love Kuna. I love it, but yeah, it's not as big a community. Yeah. But look, I just it yeah, I would like it, you know, and um, but also joy. I wrote something on a post recently that joy in its fullness, sometimes I don't often experience it. And I'm getting as time goes on, I'm experiencing some of it, and I'm trying the best I can to live a happy life. And people go on in honor of Gabe, and I get that, I do, but he's not here. And I wish with everything I could change it, but he's not here, you know. So for me, and for Gabe, but for me, I I want to be happy, you know, I want to feel that full joy. So that's more that important than a husband. He's out there. Tom Monday. Yeah, anyway. So yeah. That's on the forecast. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And we've got his anniversary on Thursday, we should probably say that. Coming out eight years in a couple of days, yeah, yeah. So um, there'll be lots of ocean swimming this week, even if it is raining. Yeah, for sure. It's still beautiful. Well, I want to say a massive thank you to you, H, for coming on and being so raw and open and vulnerable and sharing Gabe's story and your story with us. I'm sure, as I said earlier, that there'll be many people listening to this that do take a lot out of it, but just hearing your story is just so amazing. And I want to thank you for coming. Yeah, well, thank you for having me, and it's just been really crackhydic. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Um, so I appreciate it. And I guess taking anything from this is how you lean into stuff that happens in your life will affect the whole experience of it. So, you know, that old saying, um, life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% is how you react, you know. I love that. So be mindful of that and lead with kindness. It's not hard. No, you know, we can all just love each other. Absolutely. Thanks, Ray. No worries.