Episode 2: Losing a Child: Who Am I Now? (Identity Crisis) | Beyond the Loss

In this episode, I want to begin where many parents find themselves—often without language.

When a child dies, we tend to talk about grief.
 But what is less often named is something more fundamental.

Identity.

For most parents, being a mother or a father is not something you do.
 It is something you are.

 It organizes your time, shapes your relationships, and gives meaning to your life.

And when that structure breaks, it doesn’t simply return.

You may still be a parent, and yet the role no longer functions in the way it once did.

That tension can feel disorienting.
 At times, even invisible.

In this conversation, I explore what I often call the loss beneath the loss—
 the quiet disruption of identity that unfolds over time.

This is not something to fix.
 And it is not something to rush.

It is something that evolves.

If something here resonates with you,
 know that you are not alone in the experience.

Listen & Connect
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For inquiries or to connect directly: sharon@sharonspano.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Beyond the Lost. This is a space for parents who have lost a child in any way at any age, where no grief is ranked, explained, or excluded. I'm Dr. Sharon Spano, developmental coach, systems thinker, and a parent whose life was forever changed by the death of my own son Michael. When a child dies, life doesn't return to what it was. Identity shifts, meaning fractures, and yet life continues to ask something of us. These conversations are for parents living this reality and for the professionals who support them. My intention is to offer a space where loss is not compared, judged, or explained away. Welcome, I'm Dr. Sharon Spano. I'm glad you're here today. In the last episode, I talked about what this space holds and why it exists. And today I want to begin where many parents find themselves, often without language. And even the people around them don't often have the language to talk about what it means beyond the loss. That moment when identity breaks for a parent. So when a child dies, we often talk about grief and mourning, but what is less often named is something more fundamental, and that is the disruption of identity. For most parents, the role of being a mother or father is not something you do, it's something you are. And it organizes time, it shapes relationships, it gives meaning to effort, sacrifice, and love. And when a child dies, that organizing structure collapses. Not temporarily, not symbolically, but structurally. The loss beneath the loss is how I like to think about it. And one of the reasons that parental loss is so difficult to speak about, I want you to really think about this because I know it's something that came up for me every time I was on an airplane and someone would ask me if I had a child. Think about this. There is no word, at least not in the English language, for the loss of a child. We have words like widow and orphan, and you can say those words and people know immediately what you mean. But for us as parents who've lost a child, that word, those words that signal identity change are not available to us. But when a child dies, that parent then is left without that language to describe who they are in the here and now. You're still a parent, and yet the role no longer functions the way it once did. And that tension creates a kind of identity fracture, one that is often invisible to others and difficult even for parents themselves to articulate. And here's another word that we often use, bereaved parents, but most of us don't really like that phrase. Most parents tell me that they don't think of themselves as bereaved parents, not because the loss isn't real, but because the label doesn't quite capture the experience. It defines the person by the loss without accounting for what has been reorganized or is in the process of being reorganized underneath it. Identity after a child dies isn't simply marked by grief. It's marked by disorientation, ambiguity, a sense of being between two worlds. You may feel like the person you were no longer exists, but the person you're becoming hasn't fully emerged yet, hasn't formed yet. And that in-between, that liminal space, as we sometimes refer to it, can feel profoundly lonely, like no one gets you, no one understands, and you don't often have the bandwidth to either explain or participate in the relationships that you had before the loss in quite the same way. Why the disruption lasts? We often hear phrases like you'll always be a parent, and you still have other children if that's the case, or your child will always be a part of you. While often will intention, these phrases can unintentionally flatten the reality that you yourself might be experiencing. And the reason is is because they try to resolve something that fundamentally cannot be resolved. And I think that's one of the things that parents experience a lot, the people around them trying to make things better, trying to fix something that cannot be fixed. The truth is, identity doesn't snap back into place after a loss like this. Again, it reorganizes and it does so very slowly, sometimes painfully over time. And for many parents, that reorganization happens quietly, long after support has faded and attention has moved on. So again, identity is not something that you fix. This is where many parents feel pressure by those around them, loved ones who are again well-intentioned, to be okay again, to reclaim a version of themselves that no longer exists. But identity after loss is again not something to be repaired. It's something that evolves over time. And evolution doesn't follow a timeline. I remember for me feeling for the first several years after my son passed away that, you know, I was functioning, I was working, I was doing all the things, I had a social life, whatever. But it wasn't until year five that I started to feel like I had really come alive again. And I'm often heard to describe it as it felt like I had a paper bag over my face for those five years. And then someone lifted it off on year five, oddly enough, and I was able to see and hear and breathe again. So for every parent, it's different. But again, evolution doesn't follow a timeline. It's going to occur when it occurs, and only you as a parent will know. So there is no moment when you might suddenly know who you are now. I didn't know who I was now at that five-year mark, but I was beginning to feel a sense of becoming alive again. And then the rest of that process took many, many years. So there are only moments of recognition then that may pop up, like the one I just described. Sometimes fleeting moments, but what I want to call your attention to is the opportunity to pay attention and acknowledge those moments because, again, it's information. The body, your system, your nervous system, your physiological system, your psychological and emotional systems, they're all giving you signs that you are evolving and that something is occurring within as you move through this process called grief. And when something feels a little more settled than before, you want to acknowledge that as well. One of the things that can help you is to name the break at the very beginning. And that's going to, again, depend on your type of language, your specific situation. But one of the most important things we can do is name what has happened. We don't have to explain it and we don't have to solve it, but to acknowledge it. Because when identity breaks, it's not a personal failure. And that's a really, really important and key point to remember. I know after the loss of a child, I just had lunch yesterday with a dear friend of mine who lost her son a few months ago. And of course, we go through all the reasons and scenarios of what could have been different and if this hadn't happened or if I had known. And that's part of that process. But eventually to accept that none of this is a personal failure. It just is. It's a natural response for us to try to figure it out or solve it or resolve it or get over it when we've experienced such a profound disruption. And when we don't name the disruption, parents often turn that confusion inward, wondering why they still feel unmoored, if you will, even years later, even when life appears functional on the outside and everyone else has moved on. I would say that for most of us, we feel unmoored or at least definitely changed for life, no matter how many years go by. So I'm going to be doing a few solo casts for the beginning of this new podcast that we've just launched. Again, Beyond the Loss, Life and Identity After a Child Dies. I'll be doing a few solo casts. So listen in for those as I kind of lay some of the foundational work. And then we'll begin to interview parents who are experiencing that identity shift in the long after, and eventually some professionals as well. So in the next episode, I want to talk about what comes after this identity break. Again, what I call the long after, and I've been referring to in some of my shorter videos. The period when the world expects life to return to normal, but nothing quite fits the way it once did. For now, if this episode has put language to something you've felt or experienced but couldn't quite name, know that you're not alone in the experience. I'm happy that you were able to perhaps find some language here in this podcast as we begin to unpack some of these concepts. And I want to remind you again that you don't need to arrive anywhere and you don't need to rush whatever is still unfolding within you. Thank you for listening. This is Dr. Sharon Spano reminding you to take gentle care, and I'll see you next week. Thank you for spending this time with me. If this conversation stirred something for you, you don't need to make sense of it right away. There's no timeline for understanding and no right way to carry what remains. Beyond the loss exists to honor parents who've lost a son or daughter and all the complexity that this implies, and to support the professionals who walk alongside them without comparison, judgment, or explanation. Wherever you are in the long after, you are not required to arrive anywhere else. Until next time, take gentle care.