Episode 5: How Child Loss Changes a Parent Forever | Beyond the Loss

In this episode of Beyond the Loss: Life and Identity After a Child Dies, I explore the often unspoken experience of moving through familiar relationships and environments while quietly feeling changed within them.

Over time, many grieving parents begin to notice subtle shifts.

Conversations may feel harder to enter.
 Certain relationships may no longer feel as natural or comforting.
 Even moments that once brought ease can carry a different emotional weight.

In this conversation, we explore:

•  How child loss can change our experience of connection and community 
•  Why grief often creates distance in relationships 
•  The tension between who we once were and who we are becoming 
•  How discomfort around grief affects meaningful connection 
•  A gentler way to understand identity after profound loss 

This is not a conversation about “moving on.”

It is an invitation to recognize the ways grief reshapes us over time—and how healing sometimes begins by allowing our full story to exist without explanation or apology.

If you are grieving the loss of a child, walking beside someone who is, or seeking a deeper understanding of grief and identity, I hope this episode offers a space for reflection and compassion.

Take gentle care.

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Transcript: Here

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Welcome to Beyond the Lost. This is a space for parents who have lost a child in any way at any age, where no grief is ranked, explained, or excluded. I'm Dr. Sharon Spano, developmental coach, systems thinker, and a parent whose life was forever changed by the death of my own son Michael. When a child dies, life doesn't return to what it was. Identity shifts, meaning fractures, and yet life continues to ask something of us. These conversations are for parents living this reality and for the professionals who support them. My intention is to offer a space where loss is not compared, judged, or explained away. One of the things parents often discover after the death of a child is that grief doesn't just change their lives, it changes where they belong. I'm Sharon Spano, and this is Beyond the Loss, life and identity after a child dies. One of the quieter dimensions of grief is the question of where we belong after the loss of the child. Depending on the age and the circumstances of that loss, many parents report that conversations feel different, social spaces feel different. And I can give you an example of what I experienced on my very first Christmas without our son Michael. Michael died September the 17th, and that first Christmas was quite a shock to us. We were still pretty numb, but we were used to having Christmas Eve dinner at our house with friends and family. And this first year, my husband and I were just not ready to do all of that. So we decided to go away, go somewhere differently. And we really were sure that we didn't want to go anywhere where we had been with Michael in his lifetime. It had to be somewhere really different. But the challenge for us was not the need to just be in solace and grief, but that we didn't feel one, we didn't feel we belonged. We didn't feel we were up to hosting a bunch of people. And of course, friends invited us to their place, many, but we felt very strongly that we didn't want to be those grieving parents in the room in the midst of other families celebration. We knew that we didn't belong because we had been in so many other celebratory moments with Michael. We felt it would just feel very awkward to be there without him. So these are the kinds of things that parents often report. Relationships change, certainly traditions and holidays begin to change. And we're trying to figure out in this new family structure where we belong and how to belong. So one thing I want to call to your attention is that loss then does in fact disrupt your social world. I think society asks us to get on with it and we try to go to things as normal, but we know in our heart of hearts and we don't feel normal, and we know that the people around us don't necessarily feel normal about our being there either, even though they're trying very hard to accommodate us in this space. So as a reminder, then, child loss doesn't only disrupt the family system, it disrupts the social system around it. People often ask me, what do I mean by system? Well, everything in the universe, in the world, is a system. You yourself, as a human being, have multiple complex systems that live within your very own body. And so there are always systems that we live in, work in, play in, and we move in and out of those systems and the human dynamics around them. And so grief then often can feel kind of like a cloud around these systems, depending again on the nature of the relationships. So parents often report that some of the things they notice is friends may become unsure what to say to them. Invitations may change as conversations can become cautious or even avoidant. And I've had situations where people are talking, for instance, about a celebration in their life. Maybe a kid, I remember right after my son died, one of the women's sons got included into some big golf event. And he was invited to this big tournament, and she was gladly telling the story and then looked over at me and realized, oh my gosh, she just lost her son a few months ago, and you could almost see the embarrassment in her and she didn't know what to do. So conversations may change. What we need to be aware of as parents who step into these situations is that people are not either avoiding or saying things in anything other than the desire to just get on with their lives or to be as forthcoming as they know how to be. None of it is intentionally designed, at least not in my experience, to harm or make us feel bad. What that does, though, is it reflects again the collective consciousness that we have around grief as a society. We are traditionally, and this goes back years and years and generations, if you come from a family like mine, grief was a big thing. People wailed at funerals and that kind of stuff. That's what I grew up in. People were uncomfortable with the idea of grief, but they were very dramatic about it in my family. So I would love for us to start having a different conversation about grief and to help people understand, even while we're in our own pain, what it is that we need and how we can create a new paradigm for what grief is. So let's talk for a moment then about why it makes people uncomfortable. I think, particularly if the loss is a child, that is the greatest fear that any parent has, is that something catastrophic will happen to their son or daughter. That's part of the stress of being a parent. And I always knew because I was in the disability arena, my son Michael was disabled. I knew, and in fact, I did a keynote for a large group of people in the state of Florida, family members and persons with disabilities. And I remember as I was preparing for that, thinking, oh my gosh, I am going to be on this stage talking about my son Michael and his death. And I am the worst nightmare for these parents. How am I going to balance that? And I did it by referring to the joy of Michael. I told many, many great stories about Michael and all the wonderful, joyful moments that we had while he was alive. Basically, grief makes people feel vulnerable and life feel very unpredictable. So it's really more about where they are than even where we are. That's the reality of it. And again, going back to the idea of our sense of belonging, to realize, and I often say this, that our original sense of belonging comes from knowing where we fit in the family system, our original family system, our mother and our father. And I'm often heard to say that if we, for whatever reason, that family system was disrupted or fractured, I find that people don't know where they belong from their own out. And if that's the case for many of us, then you can imagine how it might feel even more profound. I know it did for us when you lose a child because you've had this family unit and now again that family unit is disrupted. So the thing to realize about belonging is that it doesn't always disappear in very dramatic or sudden ways. It is again very nuanced. And sometimes it's a very quiet shift, especially if we're in that numb stage after the loss, where, you know, frankly, we don't know where we belong, but we don't even know that we don't know. And then suddenly it starts to appear where maybe people change the subject when a conversation rises up, particularly if it's about your child, they're uncomfortable. You might find friends avoiding stories around your child, I know I have, or even their name, or you yourself are being treated with such fragility that you don't even know how to respond to that. I know for me, the first several years, and I still do appreciate the thoughts. Even now I get texts and emails from people on Mother's Day saying, I know this must be a very hard day for you. And in reality, it isn't a hard day for me. And the reason that it isn't a hard day for me is because I saw Mother's Day as really an opportunity to teach my son how to honor and respect women. And I feel I did that. And I feel I did a very good job of that. So to me, Mother's Day is just another day. I don't feel it's a need. I don't miss him on Mother's Day any more than I do on any other day. I kind of go along with some of the plans for the sake of my husband because it's important to him to celebrate me on that day. And I'm sure he probably feels the same way on Father's Day. The point is that to pay attention is what I want to ask you to do to how your sense of belonging or lack thereof is showing up and how it's making you feel, and how perhaps you're feeling in the midst of other people. And then we can ask ourselves, well, you know, what other choices might I make in this moment? You know, what how might I educate the people around me, or how might I find some inner peace within myself when this belonging issue rises up? The thing that I want you to get is that when this whole belonging sense is feeling disrupted, because again, you're really recreating your life and you may feel excluded from normal life, is it's in part because you still are between two worlds. For any of you listening to this, and you know, if you were, and I'm sure many of you were around during COVID, you know, we tend to remember COVID as events before COVID and events after COVID. Particularly have trouble remembering what life was like before COVID sometimes. So many things have changed, and it's certainly that way in the context of loss of a child. And you'll find also that you may not remember a lot of things. I know in the beginning for me, I remembered only the trauma of those last months and years. And I had many years that I had just totally evaporated, but they will come back. And so the idea is to notice that no, I am not the same person that I was before, but to also notice that you can be something more, better, different. And that it is not easily this sensation of not belonging is really not something we talk about. And it's certainly not something that is easily understood by the world. So let's talk about and maybe think about a moment when you can first realize that something about your place in the world had shifted. I gave you an example of my own on that very first Christmas, and what did it reveal to me? It just revealed to me that we no longer fit in certain groups where everyone was a family of one or more children, and a lot of activities were going on around those children, and we were now a couple. And I was and still do feel very blessed by that reality that I had someone and have someone with me to share the memories of our son, but also to share in this exploration of self as we lean into this new way of being in the world. But I want you to think about the first time that you felt really and truly that you did not belong. And what did you learn about yourself or what is the narrative, perhaps even a narrative that is not even necessarily true, but what is the narrative or the story that you made up about who you are in this world as a result of that revelation? The thing is, we may find, just to reiterate, that we no longer belong in certain circles of celebration. In our case, we chose not to belong because to be in certain circles with old friends and their families often feels awkward and it creates even a greater sense of loss because these were people that we were always with and around when Michael was alive. Now, another thing that's interesting, though, as you move through the journey and down the path is you meet new friends. And it's hard to imagine that we now have so many friends that never knew him, but yet they know him through us. And it's just a different experience, a different sense of belonging that I feel very privileged and excited to be a part of because they know the joy of him, and yet they didn't have to participate in his long illness. Let's talk a minute then about why belonging changes, because I've said several things, and I want to leave you with some thoughts again to just reiterate the point that it's not so much about people excluding us as maybe not knowing how to hold the space. And I certainly experienced that. My son was disabled, so I experienced that in the early years of his life, or actually throughout his life, of not belonging, not fitting in with the other parents, the other kids who were able to do more. Michael was wheelchair bound. So here's the thing people often then around us feel helpless. We can help them feel less so. They're afraid of saying the wrong thing. And that's a very valid concern because frankly, they often do say the wrong thing. And then how do we hold space for that and maybe help them think about it differently? That's always the question that I'm asking myself. So they're unsure on how to hold your ongoing grief, particularly if they're friends or family close to you, but perhaps not close enough to feel they can bring their grief to you. I find this with grandparents, and we'll be addressing some of those other relationships and the challenges of those relationships as we move deeper into the podcast. People then will step back, but for parents, we often feel that distance is a secondary loss. And that's something to recognize as well. So we engage in this quiet search for belonging, often not even realizing that we're doing so. Parents begin, as I've often been told and certainly experienced myself, we look for spaces where our child can be named. And so if you're someone out there who has someone in your life who has gone through that experience, please don't be afraid to mention the child's name or to share a story. I think most of us, and again, every family is different, and you have to pay attention to what is going on in the situation for that family. I know I personally love to share stories about my son, and I'm always anxious and equally excited when I get an opportunity to do so. I love being around people who are not afraid of the topic where we can talk about the grief and the reality of it, and conversations that allow the full reality of my son's life with the good, the bad, and the hard. Communities of grieving parents can often be very helpful and meaningful, but I also know that many parents shy away from being with other parents, and that's fine. It's a natural instinct. We don't want to re-traumatize ourselves. And when we do shy away, it's not because we want to stay in grief, but because recognition, sometimes in a grief-shared type community, can help us restore a sense of belonging. I know one of my closest friends lost her daughter years and years before my own son, and they were both in kindergarten together. And I can share things with her that I would not say to anyone else because she gets it and she understands what I'm talking about. So there's a difference in how we belong. And over time, belonging will begin to look differently. Not necessarily the same circles as before. People will come and people will go. Perhaps you can generate some new spaces where grief is not avoided, where your child's life can be acknowledged and you'll find ways to do that. And we'll talk more about that in later episodes, not as a form of pressure, as in you have to do anything, but just some points to consider and to recognize the complexity of grief, that it just permeates every aspect of our being. And we want to be very kind to ourselves as well as hold space for the people around us to step into what they need to do in order to feel supportive as well. It's a place to share what is going on and to relate with one another as best we can. There's no right way and there's no wrong way. Wherever you are is exactly where you should be. I want you to think about one other thing, is that belonging becomes less about returning to the past. That part is complete as it stands. Whatever it was, that part is complete. But it's more about finding places where the whole story can exist and you feel that you can be accepted and belong in the midst of that story because it is your story. So if someone in your life has lost a child, belonging often comes from some simple things, remembering and saying the child's name. I love when my new friends refer to Michael as Michael, not just my son or the son that I lost as Michael. And they don't avoid the subject. People have asked me questions, and I know part of that is because I've created the space because I'm so open about it, and that's going to be different in how they can or cannot do that. You don't have to do it in any particular way. But I do know that if we create the space for the conversation, people are going to feel a lot more comfortable in sharing what they want to with you as well in terms of support. And I think a big, big piece is allowing and accepting that grief can exist alongside normal life. Something as simple as saying to another person, tell me about your child, can make all that difference. So we're never completely over it. I talked in some of the short videos that I've done on integration. It's always there. But I've also talked about non-dual thinking and the fact that we can hold space for both. We can have joy in our lives when the time is right and it comes to us, but we can also hold space for the grief and loss of that child. That will always, always be with us. And there's nothing wrong with that. More importantly, that belonging is not about fixing grief. It's about making space for it. So a closing thought. And I don't think that we do acknowledge that enough in society. And particularly for those around us, because they want us to get back to who we were. That helps them feel that we've healed and that we're better and that we're, quote, normal again. And that's just a normal part of loving and caring. But for those of us that have been through the experience, we know that life will never be normal again. It may be different, maybe even better in some respects. But we know that we're living a new normal. But the thing I want you to hold on to as a result of this episode is that belonging and your sense of belonging and the work you need to do around restoring that will also help you restore your spirit, your soul, and with dignity within the change that you're in the midst of. Finally, perhaps belonging after loss begins when grief is no longer something that needs to be hidden in order for someone to remain part of this world. It just is. Again, the new non-dual thinking. It just is. It's a part of life. And if you are a parent who has lost a child or a professional who supports them and you would like to have a deeper conversation, please feel free to go to my website, sharenspanel.com, and under podcasts, we have an application process there. Again, we're not looking at getting into the details of your story and making you relive the trauma of that loss, but really to talk about the learning, perhaps the integration, whatever life has evolved to for you in the process. And then the same for any professionals that if you would like to explore what's working or not working in your own field, I'd be happy to have those conversations. Here, let's advance the conversations around Greece. I'd love to hear your comments on the work that we're doing so far and any specific topic that you might have in mind that you'd like me to explore, I'd be more than willing to, to the best of my ability. Until next time, this is Dr. Sharon Spano reminding you gentle care. Thank you for spending this time with me. If this conversation stirred something for you, you don't need to make sense of it right away. There's no timeline for understanding and no right way to carry what remains. Beyond the loss exists to honor parents who've lost a son or daughter and all the complexity that this implies, and to support the professionals who walk alongside them without comparison, judgment, or explanation. Wherever you are in the long after, you are not required to arrive anywhere else. Until next time, take gentle care.