Faces we hide: Life after losing our person

Welcome back to another powerful episode of Kouch Konversations hosted by Venus Chandler. During Mental Health Awareness Month, we continue the important conversation surrounding grief, healing, emotional survival, and the faces people wear while hurting in silence.

In this heartfelt episode, we sit down with Toray Green for a raw and honest conversation titled:

“The Faces We Hide: Life After Losing Your Person.”

What happens after the funeral?
What does loneliness really feel like?
How do you continue living when a piece of your heart is gone?

This episode shines light on grief, mental health, depression, loneliness, emotional exhaustion, and the silent battles many widows and grieving individuals face behind closed doors. Far too often people smile on the outside while quietly breaking on the inside. This conversation is for those carrying pain they rarely speak about.

If you or someone you love is struggling with grief, hopelessness, depression, or suicidal thoughts, please know you are not alone. Help is available. Call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Please like, comment, subscribe, and share this episode. You never know who may need to hear this conversation.

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#KouchKonversations #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth #TheFacesWeHide #Grief #WidowSupport #MentalHealthMatters #HealingOutLoud #DepressionAwareness #SuicidePrevention #LifeAfterLoss #HealingJourney #YouAreNotAlone #TraumaHealing #MentalWellness #PodcastCommunity #VenusChandler #TorayGreen #GriefSupport #EmotionalHealing #988LifelineThank you for watching, make sure you check out my website for any further information. kteimpact.org

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:03

So, hey guys, hey, welcome back to Couch Conversations. I'm your host, Venus Chandler. Hey. So you guys know that it's still mental health awareness month, and we are continuing with this series. Um, the face behind the faces we hide. Um, today we're going to be talking about losing your person, okay? Life after losing your person. Okay. And I just want to put this disclaimer out there is that this can be very triggering to some. So, you know, listen with your own discretion. And if you have to, go ahead and just log off. Because I'm telling you, this can probably get deep and it is serious, okay? So just do me that favor. So today we have Tori Green, and she will be discussing life after losing her person. Hey, hey, Tori. How are you? Hey, Venus, how are you? Good. Thank you, thank you, thank you to your yes for coming to the couch and discussing this sensitive, sensitive subject. Um I wanted to talk to you about it because uh I want people to understand what really goes on behind the scenes after losing your person. Okay, Tori, can you just tell us a little bit about who you are? Tell us a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Well, I am an image consultant, I'm an entrepreneur, um, I am a Christian woman, and um I'm a lover of Italian food. I'm a mother, um, amongst uh so many other things. Um, and my favorite color is red.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

Really?

SPEAKER_02 1:36

And you're mother of how many children? Just one. Just one? Well, wait, I have two. One one I carried, one I did not. So okay, that's what's up. And how old are they? Um, my daughter is 26, and uh my son, I always forget, he's like in his late 30s. He's my he was my he's my husband's son.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Okay, that's okay. That's my son. Yeah, I know that's right. I got a whole bunch of little adopted kids running around here, and sometimes that's just how it be. Tori, I know this is a sensitive subject, and you let me know if you're like, yo, I just can't talk no more about this, and we'll we'll, you know, gracefully just log off.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

I'm ready, I'm ready for it all.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

All right, all right, Tori, tell us about your husband. Who was he?

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Oh, that dark-skinned bald head man was a beautiful man. Um, he was first before he met me a track coach. So he has always been a mentor. Um, he was a young father, and so I believe that he poured all of what he didn't get to pour into his son, into his track kids. And he was coach of Bookto High School, Bookdo CLC as we know it. Um, so when we met, he was already coaching. So I can say it was just about 30 or so years that he was a coach. Oh wow, he's a very quiet, uh, soft-spoken man. He did not yell a lot unless he was on that field. So when he was at home and when he was coaching, he was like two different people.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

Wow, wow. So he did the reader coach part of it home.

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Yeah, he he I never seen the coach part unless I was at a track meet, and I didn't like that part of him because I I didn't I wasn't used to hearing him yell, right?

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Okay, oh wow, wow.

SPEAKER_02 3:36

So how long were you guys married? We were married 25 years. We had just celebrated our 25th anniversary that June.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

Really? Oh wow, 25 years. I know the secret to staying too married 25 years because sometimes my husband, I want to punch him in the head.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

Oh, it's okay. I wanted to punch him in that ball head many a times. Um, at the end of the day, um, I believe it is first of all, I for most people, you have to have a commitment to just loving that person beyond their faults. Yeah. Um when you and then you grow together. So when you learn to accept that person for who they are and who they're growing to be, um, and then communication is key. You, I mean, you can you can do it. It's not like it's happy every day. I didn't like him every day. He didn't like me every day. But at the end of the day, baby, we loved each other, right? And that's really that's really what it really all boiled down to.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

Yeah. You know, I I always said I used to be a runner, I'm not a runner anymore. And I always said that it takes us, it would take a special man, you know, to to teach me to stay, you know, because I'm telling you, uh I one little thing, oh, I'm out of here. I will pack a whole house and throw it on my car and leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My husband, he's he is an amazing man. And I'm like, how do people like I know it isn't supposed to be roses every day, but how do people do this? Stay married 25, 30, six, 30 years or whatever. And you know, how do they do that? Because when I get mad at him sometime, oh my goodness. No, we don't, and we're not the ones that yell and fuss and cuss, we don't do any of that. I sort of kind of just pow, and then you know, it's over, you know, in a couple days or what.

SPEAKER_02 5:34

But yeah, I got um two words for you. Okay, as I grew as a woman, I wasn't I was very young when we got married, he was young too, but um as I grew, and um the foundation of my life is is biblical. And so as I learned more about the love of God, and as I learned more about who I was as a woman and his place as a man and my place as a woman, I learned and and these two words is sacrificial love. So when you when you know about the sacrifice of Christ on the cross for the sins of the world for people, then that's the lens that you should learn and should love your mate or anybody else. And so when I learned that, I'll promise you my world changed. And so I I could love him through whatever, and and I did, and he loved me through whatever, because he let me grow. I promise you. I I didn't, I wasn't who I am today. He groomed me well. So this this next one that's gonna get me, baby. I'm ready to go. Yeah, because he he he groomed me well, he he was patient with me.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Yeah, so sacrificial love, that's really what it's about. That's my husband all the way. And my husband's actually a deacon, and um, I think the reason why I've learned not to run is because he has that patience. He has that patience, and not to mention he oh, talk about knowing that Bible, honey. And what's so crazy is that um this is the first time in my whole life I've ever got to be soft, I've ever got to be a woman, a girl. Like some some girl just asked me today, oh, how much how much do it cost to fill up your motorcycle and gas? And I had to, I said, Oh I don't know. I don't know because I don't pump gas. I don't pump the gas. I don't know. I don't know. So Tori, how did you and your husband meet? Oh goodness.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

Um I was I was in the right place, the let me say it right. Okay I was in the right place being wrong. So I met him, uh what everybody knows is Amazon, and we know it as Rolling Acres Mall in Akron.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 8:08

Uh we were just in the mall one day, and he walked past me, and I walked past him, and I don't know what happened. But if you really I didn't believe in love at first sight, I didn't under I that that no, but I promise you, right then and there, it was something that happened. Yeah, and you couldn't separate us from that moment.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Yes. And you know what's so crazy? I hate to keep saying my husband too, but what's so crazy is that I do believe in love at first sight, and that's how me and my husband have a 37-year history, and one day we're gonna do a podcast about it because it was not always pretty, it was pretty messy and uh uh God is good. So I do believe in love at first sight. I'm wondering, is it really, really love or what is that thing? But for me, like to this day, 37 years later, I am still in love with my husband. Even when he makes me mad and I want to punch him in the head, yeah, I'm still in. I look at him and be like, Oh, but I'm in love with you.

SPEAKER_02 9:13

Can I share something? Yes. Um, this is like schoolgirl kind of stuff. So those that would watch and listening, and they not really in love, they um they ain't gonna know nothing about this, but I'm gonna just share it because I believe in being transparent. Um, he would pull up, our room was in the front of the house, and I would hear his car pulling up in the driveway, and I would still feel the feeling that I would feel when we when he would come and pick me up when we were just dating. That feeling never went away. When he pulled up in the driveway, this little schoolgirl-ish, I don't know what it was comes over me every time he pulls up in the driveway. Isn't that crazy? With his R. Kelly pumping. Turn it down.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

I digress. I we ain't going there. So I I I know I know the feeling. I'm gonna tell you that right now because like when I'm at work and I come home, it's like, oh, I'm pulling up. I'm gonna see him. What that thing is, but I'm gonna tell you what. I hope it never go away. I hope it never goes away. So what what do you think made your relationship special?

SPEAKER_02 10:24

We I'm and this is uh um a little story from you know, when you're a child, so it depends on, you know, what you what were what you read, or you know, the tortoise and the hare. Oh yeah. What made our relationship special is that he balanced me out. Um, I am a fast mover, want to get it done right tomorrow yesterday, and he is very um, I thought he I called him a procrastinator, and he was a little bit, but I I think he procrastinated to me because I was just too fast. Um, the tortoise and the hare, and we would have these conversations, and he would say to Ray, you running, you know, because the tortoise won the race. If you watch that, you know, little cartoon, and in your mind you go, how did that happen? To this day, you know, you still can't really figure it out. But what made it special is because he would always say, You're running the race, you're running through, you you just gone, you just running, I just jerk your way. He said, I didn't stop, I didn't smell the roses, I didn't take a nap, I didn't looked at this, I didn't looked at that. He said, and I still he said, I still get to where you're going. But I, you know, it was like I I took my time and you're racing through this, and so he balanced me out. Um, he was always a good listener, and um he never really said a whole lot when unless he needed to, but he was a good listener, and so one of the things we love to do, uh, my sister came to stay with us at a time so she can do some things for herself, and she couldn't understand this. We would be up in the middle of the night, Friday night, whatever it is we weren't going anywhere, and we would be just on YouTube, listen to all these songs and whatever, and we would just be singing them. And after a while, she it would get on our nerves, but then after a while, she would just come in our room and just sing with us. So we just had these little special things. Um, yeah, ever since we met, he would come and get me from work on like a Friday if I had to work or something like that, and we'd go get something to eat. I didn't know from that moment all the way until the last day, um, that was his love language for me. And he would say, Yes, he would say, Babe, and Gino's was his spot, or Numing, and you know, and Akron. We would get something to eat or whatever. And he had been doing that since we met. And I realized that that was his love language to me. And um he would make sure, I'm gonna get a pizza, and you know, uh, I'm gonna get extra sauce, I'm gonna have to get you your own pizza. Yeah, um, or we would get Chinese food and just sit and watch a movie. Uh Law and Order was one of our favorite shows on Sunday. We binge watch it. Oh my gosh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those little things, those little things that you know you you shouldn't lose.

SPEAKER_03 13:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

And you and you're never gonna lose that. You're never gonna lose that. And I can when I when I tell you that I can relate with everything you just said, the turtoise and the tortoise and the hare, I'm gonna have to keep that in mind. Because my husband always tells me, he's like, You are so fast, like just slow down. But my husband is slow, he does everything slow, but he always I don't know how that happens. He finishes way before me. I don't know what that is. It's just it's just crazy. So I do get that. I do get that, and I didn't realize just how special that is, just hearing you talk about that, you know, that's special. So we're gonna pivot just a little bit, and I'm hoping that you you're okay. I'm excited about this. All right, I want to know what was the hardest part about losing your husband.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

The hardest part about losing him was that I had to let me be honest, I had to find my own identity. Um, the scripture says the two shall become one. And for 28 years, I was becoming, because we were together, you know, before, I was becoming Mrs. Orlando Green. And um I had to really take the time to discover me. Um and uh it's okay for you to lose a little bit of yourself in your person and your mate. Yes. Um, and then it's uh it's okay for you to keep a little bit of yourself as well. That's the balance, but that was one of the hardest things. Um the other hardest thing was we were on this schedule because he was a track coach. So our our rhythms of life were like very um, sometimes it seemed like static. They just stayed sane. They just and and um it was a hard, it was hard for me to get off that um that ride because those rhythms were um in my life for almost 30 years. And um, I think if we talk about grieving, I think that was one of the things that troubled me the most because I it was uh difficult for me to kind of get out of that rhythm, make my own rhythm.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Well, that's so crazy because I was just gonna ask you. Um, do you think grief looks different than what you thought it would?

SPEAKER_02 15:58

I had no idea um what it would look like. I've I've you know, I've lost a couple of family members, um, and I know what that looked like. You know, you're sad, but the relationship is different, so you don't you don't take it like you know, their mom or you know, or whoever they were close to. I didn't know what it looked like and what it was going to be. So I had no idea what I was facing. I just knew it was going to be a long journey.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

Yeah. Wow. You still feel that way? You still feel like it's it's long?

SPEAKER_02 16:36

No, no, I'm here.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

Do you still do you feel that gave me the chills? I'm that's what I was gonna say. Do you feel like there's light? Do you see light now?

SPEAKER_02 16:46

Yes. Um it was 2023, 24, I think 23 was like a it's like a blurb, you know. It was just so many things going on that, you know, that year after. But 24, I believe, was the hardest because I had to I had to learn how to do some things and I had to learn how to sit in some things so that I would not still be grieving. Okay. Yeah. Grief, grief can hold you longer than you should be held if you allow it. If you allow it, yeah, if you if you allow it. I would not allow it to hold me longer than it was supposed to.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Wow. That's indeed. That's so what do you think? What do you think of some of the things that people don't understand about becoming a widow, like having that label?

SPEAKER_02 17:46

Hmm. Well, I'm glad that you asked that. Um, I actually was talking to a group of women the other day, and I looked up the definition of a widow, looked up the biblical definition of a widow. Um, if we really be honest, I'm not a widow because a widow is a woman, a widow is a woman that never remarries. I'm getting married again.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

I was gonna ask you that. I was gonna ask you. Okay, go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 18:11

I I'm gonna be married again, so I'm I don't even call myself a widow. Yeah. When I introduce myself or somebody says, Oh, you you were married to Orlando. I say, Yeah, I was. I never from from day one, um, I knew that I was, you know, let me not day one, but just as it progressed, I knew after I got over a lot of the fears and the anxieties and all of the emotional distress and trauma, when I settled in myself that, you know, uh once I got to this point, and then I can see myself being in a covenant with someone else, I know that that's gonna happen. So I never I don't even say widow. Yeah, I don't, and I told the group that I was talking to the other night, I said, I'm not a widow. You are a widow. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Come on, somebody. Uh-huh.

unknown 19:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Love that. I love that. You know what's so crazy is um I know someone who um actually lost their person. And um, she told me the first year, like that was it was just a blur. She said that if I would have just drove into traffic, yeah, I she said she wasn't trying to kill somebody. She, it would have been fine by her, you know. And she said that she thought she would never, like, never love again because that was her person. That was her person. And she actually ended up going to Bali. She came back a different person. She's a totally different person, she even looked different. But um, I asked her, I said, do you think that you will ever get married again or or date or whatever? She said, definitely. Prior to going to Bally, she was like, No, because that was her person, you know. Do you um do you ever feel like you're pressured to stay strong?

SPEAKER_02 20:08

And yeah, no. Um and I agree with a lot of what you just said about that the one person you're talking about. I felt like that too. I was like, uh, and uh, but that's this is a process um that you you have to go through. And some people don't really desire to be married again, yeah. And um, so it's different for everybody. Um, the Bible says that when your person dies, when your husband or spouse, your wife dies, you're not in a covenant with them anymore. So you're free. I could have got married the day after if I wanted to.

SPEAKER_03 20:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

But um, no, I don't feel I I'm a I think I came out the womb with this strength. Yeah, I and I know that the strength that I have is from my relationship with God through Christ, you know, uh God through Christ. I but in this, I did not try to be strong. Okay. I actually told a lot of people that were coming over to visit me and to comfort me and my daughter and my family. I said, if you come in here and I know the relationship that you had with my husband, and you're not crying or sad, you gotta go because I'm not I'm not looking for you all to hold it together for me because I'm not holding it together for you. This is how I know I was serious about that. Now I'm an image consultant, so I have to walk around in a certain manner. Now that's pressure because people expect that you be on game all the time. Sometimes I don't want to wear no lashes and no lip gloss and no makeup. I don't want to do my hair. So, in this instance, I knew that I was serious about not trying to be strong. I was outside, I didn't even realize it, standing in front of my house with my pajamas on, my robe. I think I had my scarf on my head, and I had my pajamas on in my outside house shoes, and I was talking to my neighbor. And when I looked, I think when I walked in the house, I said, Wow, I can't believe that I did that. But I was just like, I let all everything go. There was no reason for me to try to hold this together. This thing rocked my entire being. So there was nothing that I could try to be strong for nobody. I couldn't even be strong for my daughter. I could not. And I would not. I didn't want I did not carry that weight. I would not carry it. I was as limp, like they say, as a wet noodle. And I let people see that. The thing is, that scared people. When people would tell me afterwards, and I would have these little intimate conversations with people, they said to Ray, we're so used to seeing you together. Wow. We're so used to seeing you handle business. When we seen you like that, it broke us because we didn't know how to help you. And we have never seen you like that before. So we felt helpless.

SPEAKER_03 23:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

I agree. So uh oh. I'm sorry about that. So I can remember going back to my friend when I first met her. Um, I seen a picture of her and her husband. So I was like, oh, he's a good looking guy. I said, that's your husband. And she just started crying. I was like, oh no. I didn't know, I didn't know what was up. So that's when she told me the story about she was the one who found him. And she was, I mean, like she was, I felt hopeless. I didn't know how to help her. You know, and that's why when when I'm well, when I'm at, I don't think I've been knowing you, I don't know, but when I even heard about your story, I said, I want to do this. I want to do this because I'm gonna let me be be honest about something. I'm scared to death. I found my my person. When I wake up in the morning, I love seeing him. When I'm mad at him, I love seeing him. When I'm uh when I come home from work, I love that's my person. He just gets me. That is my person. And I'm scared to death. You know, I know I can't control what God says has to happen, but if I'm gonna lose my person, how are you the friend that I know? And you how? Like how right now I'm looking at you look beautiful, you know, and you don't you don't look all broke broke down. And I told my friend, I said, you know, I don't want to speak this over my life, but it's something like that. I don't know. I don't know if I could ever come back. I don't know. So to to listen to her story and to hear your story, I'm telling you, it is mind-blowing, and I just I pray, I know we all have to go, but I just I just pray I never have to deal with that.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

I want to share something with you, and um this is this is just real. Um I had always I was ready, I was prepared, but not ready, meaning that there's some things that transpired um prior to and just just the events that happened even a few years before 2022. Um I had always been prepared, but never ready. Um and I did not believe at first, this is what I whispered in my room. I think it was like the day after. Um that morning, I don't even remember. I said to myself, this is me and God was the only ones in the room, and I said, I'm gonna lose my mind because I did not know in those wee hours of the morning that I woke up, I was like, How do I live without this man? I I'm not, I'm not gonna, so I'm being honest. I was like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna make it. This is not going to work, and so um I didn't lose my mind, my mind was very sharp, and I know that that was that was the Lord, but let me tell you about that January. That was the quietest noise that I've ever heard in my life, if that makes sense. But my daughter had just had surgery on her tonsils, and I was sitting in his chair, and I could still smell the essence of him in the chair. My daughter was laying to my left on the couch, and with tears in my eyes, I can see myself in that moment, and I said, God, if you just come get me now, it'll be all right with me. So I wasn't thinking about killing myself, anything like that, but I just didn't want to live another moment with the pain that I was experiencing. And so, in that quiet and those tears, I heard the Lord say, Look to your left, and I looked to my left with tears in my eyes, and it was like the Lord said, I can't. And so I said, God, this is me and my conversation with the Lord. I said, if you, if if I have to stay, you have to heal me today. Right now, in this moment, you have to heal me now. I've never had anything, I've never, what is it, impaled or anything? I've never had anything in me like a really bad except for a splinter, you know, stuff like that, maybe a small piece of glass. So I only know that feeling. But I do know that I was walking around as if a two by four was lodged in my chest. And I felt God do surgery on me in that moment and pull this two by four out of my chest and close the wound in my heart. In that moment, I can't explain any of that, but I know that the presence of God visited me in that moment. Wow. And from that moment on, um I can say I was healed, but I had to arrive at where I am today. So I had to walk through the process. I couldn't skip what what I want people to know, and what I want you to understand, is that I knew that in efforts for me to be healed today, I had to do the work then because I was not going to carry that with me until into today.

SPEAKER_03 29:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:05

So it had to, I had to drop it off somewhere, and I didn't know when, but I had to make sure that my today didn't have that with it. I just wasn't going to to live like that. In that moment when I felt that, I said, Oh, okay, I'm gonna be able to go on. I don't know when the sun is gonna come out, yeah. Um, but it's gonna come out and I'm gonna be there for it.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

Wow, that is the I listen. I'm all oh, I'm about to break all up over here. It's all right, I might break up too. That is deep, like that's deep, that's deep. It's something I cannot relate to, but it's something I'm totally empathetic to. You know, and yeah, I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you did it. It wasn't me. Yeah, it wasn't me. Well, yeah, that's true too, huh? Yeah, but uh what does what does what does loneliness look like to you? Or what did it look like to you? Or are you still lonely?

SPEAKER_02 30:09

Never been lonely. Wow. I'm just gonna be really, I'm gonna be real honest, girlfriend to girlfriend. Um the loneliness that I've experienced had nothing to do with him leaving and the train his transition. There are times in my marriage I felt lonely because I was selfish and I didn't really understand um his title and his task and his purpose, what he had to do. And I was immature in that. The loneliness that I felt connected to this was that January. Uh-huh. People stopped calling, people stopped coming. Um, my sister left, and what she doesn't know is that I was scared to pieces for her to leave. And my heart, I was screaming, going, if she could just stay another month and get me through another month. But she said with sadness, she said, Ray, Ray, I gotta go home. I gotta go back to work. I gotta, and I was so afraid of being alone. And that January seemed like the longest month in my life because the the the separation and the loneliness of nobody's calling, um, nobody's texting, nobody's stopping by because they grieving so tough too. Right um, that was the loneliness that I felt in the and in the quiet, but in that I heard God speak so loudly. So that's when all of that happened, that surgery that I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:50

In that quiet, in that lonely space, just me and God. My daughter was there, but it was just me and God.

SPEAKER_03 31:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:58

Um, it was quiet, but I heard his voice so loud.

SPEAKER_01 32:03

Would you say that's what helped you to start healing, and that's what helped you to cope?

SPEAKER_02 32:09

I I didn't have when I talked to you, I was like, I don't have nothing else but Jesus. I I can't I can't tell nobody it was anything else. Yeah, because had I not been anchored in the word of God because I was being assaulted by the enemy of my soul lies. You are never gonna make it, you ain't gonna get married, blah blah blah blah blah. And it was like a semi-automatic coming at me. And had it not been for the times that I spent late at night and you know, in the wee hours of the morning in my scripture, um, being built up in the word of God, yeah, um, I would not have made it because I would not have had anything sure. I could have, you know, went to the hospital, my doctor, you know, I was like, she says, I'm gonna give you some stuff to sleep. I said, first of all, I don't even like anesthesia when I gotta have surgery. You're not about to drug me.

unknown 33:06

Right.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

Um, she said, just in case you need it, here you go. But um I was like, I don't have anything else. I went to therapy right away. I went to grief counseling right away with Love Akron. I went to grief counseling right away. Um, and that was like an eight-week um series that you had to go through and you had to do homework, so it wasn't just you showing up and talking. I had to go home, I had to read this book, and I had to really connect, you know, the pieces and whatnot. Yeah, I went to one of my favorite boutiques and it was like this book was waiting on me. And this was one of the things that got me through. It was a book at a boutique that I used to go to, and it was a book, it was like sitting there, and it was like I forgot the title of it, but I can see it in my mind, and it was talking about grief. But excuse me, the book it had all scripture in it.

SPEAKER_03 33:57

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 33:57

There was nothing, nobody just talking, giving their opinion. This book was locked with scripture, and I read every page, I read every page, I read every scripture in the Bible on grief, on sorrow, on death, on everything. I read it all. That's how I got through. And of course, you know, people encouraging me and things like that, but I'm not gonna give nobody credit. I'm not gonna give me credit. I know without a shadow of a loud doubt, and people can say what they want because I don't believe in nothing else but the Bible and scripture that's right that I'm anchored to. That's what got me through. One of his friends in Texas would text me because I ain't gonna lie and say I was dog dead in in the Bible. No, there was times when all I could say was Jesus help me and roll over and get two hours of sleep, or wake up after sleeping 12 hours or 10 hours, whatever it was, because I was exhausted, and say, God, thank you for waking me up. Can you get me through this minute? Yeah, okay. 60 seconds passed by. Can you get me through um this hour? Yeah, can you help me cook? I had to worship while cooking. I could not cook. That was the last conversation that we had. I was taking care of him all the way until he left here. Babe, you want to just eat some beavers and fries a day? And yeah, that's when I was cooking, when I discovered that he wasn't in this earth anymore. Yeah, so you know, he would his friend would text me every day uh a devotion. Yeah, and sometimes I couldn't even read the scripture, I just didn't have the strength. I'm talking about scripture that's locked in me. That's what I had that I could just verbalize, I can say out of my mouth. He would text it to me, and one day I would just read one scripture. I got stronger and I could read two scriptures, I got stronger and then I could read three scriptures because my mind, people don't understand when you have this kind of traumatic um instance happen to you, your your body, one thing, is trying to heal itself too. One, two, your body is in a state of fight, flight, trauma, you know, all these things are happening at one time. So I couldn't, I lost memory. Um, my body temperature changed. See, these are things that you know most people don't talk about. When you have trauma, it affects it can affect your memory, it could affect your sleep, it could affect your weight, your eating habits, all kinds of your faculties, all kind of things um that we don't realize. So uh I couldn't remember a lot of things. And he would just send me these scriptures every day, and I would just turn to it when I had the strength, it don't matter what day it was. That's what kept me. I can't give nobody nothing else. If somebody else knows something else greater than God, I you know, let me know because that's all I had. That's all I have today.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

Well, I see that faith, community, therapy, all that was very, very, very important to you and played a very big part in your life. What I want to know is how are you honoring your husband now? Oh I'm over here trying to fight these tears. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 37:16

No, you don't gotta fight them. You can you can cry because I may well up in a minute, you know. I don't want to ruin my spirit or whatever. Okay, but it's all right because this is real talk. Um, today, um, I don't even know where this thought came from, but I was just bent on doing it, and I'm just grateful that it it passed. So my daughter and I, well, she uh created a foundation in his honor, and I was like, Well, you know, I gotta do something too. It's called the Orlando Green Foundation. She gave scholarships out last year. We're on our second year of giving scholarships out. But the banger and the kicker is um my husband, my late sweetheart, the the love of my life. Um the they called him a little giant or something like that. The paper called him or whatever, because he was a short man, he was about five, eight, five, nine. He wasn't very tall. Um I'm going to we have the city council has approved a street sign in his honor.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 38:20

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So with the help of the councilwoman and yes, in Ward 4, and um just the support of the city council, they approved a street sign, and so we are in the process right now of planning a ceremony and a celebration, and that was my last thing. I was like, he he lived and died, uh, West Side, Akron, Booked High School. Yeah, um, and he loved those kids and he loved his job. And I kept saying, Babe, you're gonna have to move over and let somebody else come in. You know, you're gonna have to let this go eventually. Yeah, he wasn't letting it go, and out of my mouth, I don't know. I prophesied, I guess I did. I said, You're gonna you're gonna die being a track coach, you're gonna leave here being a track coach, and he did. And I said, The the greatest thing you could do for him, he gave so much that nobody I don't even know. Yeah, you're gonna make sure that somebody never forget his name. Come on, somebody, it's gonna be on the street sign, yeah, and nobody will ever forget his name.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Yes, that is so, oh my god, that's just give me the chills. I can rest now. I love that for you.

SPEAKER_02 39:33

I love that for you. This was my final thing. This was my final thing, and I told him, I said, Y'all know, y'all might not know, but I don't take no for when it comes to him. Yeah, I'm gonna go all the way because he deserved never wanted accolades when he was living, yeah. And I hate that, yeah. But um, babe, we did this one for you, and um, I can I can let go finally I can close it.

SPEAKER_01 39:59

I can you better let me know when that's serious. I want to, I need to be there. I need to see you in that. I I love that for you. I just love that for you. Um, let me ask you this too. What would you tell we we're not calling them widows anymore? What would you tell another person who have lost their person? What would you tell them about being strong or surviving or what would you tell her? Or him? I would tell them and especially if they feel like giving up, like I'm done.

SPEAKER_02 40:33

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I would tell them that that feeling is normal and it's okay to have that feeling. It's just really normal. It's a it's a react, it's a you know, we react to to what happened. Um, but I would say to them, don't let grief grip you. Just because you don't cry anymore doesn't mean that you didn't love them or don't miss them. Um, you're still living, and so you have permission to live past that moment. That moment um doesn't define your future, it happened to you in your past. And so um, I would just say trust the go through the process, but don't take that grief into your tomorrow when you're finally ready to say you're either gonna love again or you wanna live again. Don't it's it's not hopeless, it's it's just something that is new, and new is always uncomfortable, it's always scary, but you will get past um uh that heavy load that that we can carry because of that, and it's okay to let go of that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

Wow. So what would you say um healing looks like to you now?

SPEAKER_02 42:01

Um healing now looks like um I'm refreshed. I am um in September. Um I was at church, and a girl at church said to me, You look new. And what she didn't know is that in my prayer time, God said to me, I'm making you new. Wow. And um, so that was beginning the refreshing and the restoration and the living and the uh things that I'm doing now. Um, it that was like the beginning that it was evident that people could see, and even I could see. So healing looks like to me, you know, waking up every day, giving God the glory that um I can smile and it, you know, it's real, and I'm happy and um I can live, I'm living, and I'm doing the things that I've always wanted to do. And um I'm just experiencing a refreshing and a resurgence that I really didn't know when it was going to come. And um, healing just looks like, you know, sometimes if I get sad, I allow myself to get sad and and say, oh, you know, man, you know, you know, you gotta just miss you or whatever. But I don't uh I don't dwell there. I look forward to so many things every day, and um I'm just grateful to finally be in this moment. So healing is joy for me. Healing is getting to live out my purpose and live out my things that I've always wanted to do, and it's a beautiful thing um to be able to do that. I couldn't have done it if I would have carried um what would be about four years, if I would have carried four years ago into today. There's so many women that I've ministered to um sitting in my chair and and talking to them about you know, getting over something where. There's a loss of a mom or loss of a cousin or a family, whatever that it is, I wouldn't have been able to do that.

SPEAKER_03 44:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:07

So healing looks like me helping other people heal.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

And I would just tell you this too. When you came on the screen, I said, Oh my God. When I see you on Facebook, and those pictures do you no justice. Like you do, you look, I can't explain it. Like brand new, you look crisp. Like, I don't know. But anyway, yeah, you just you look rested and and relaxed and just, I don't know. Like you look. You really, really do. You have brand new. Yes, you have a glow about you. Um, even through this screen, you have a glow about you, uh a really strong, peaceful presence about you. So easy to talk to, so easy to communicate with you, and it's just it's amazing. It's amazing. So I just wanted to just tell you that too. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So, why is mental health um awareness and conversations like this important to you?

SPEAKER_02 45:15

It's important because we we hide behind so much. Um, you know, like I said, a real smile. You know, when you smile and it's really coming from a place of joy, it's not a fake smile. Um, it's important because people need to really just hear, yeah, um, and even discuss, you know, we're so I don't know. What's I'm a communicator, so things that's easy for me, especially about my emotions, um, that could that's not always easy for other people. Some people can't even verbalize how they feel, and that's where the you know um states of depression and anxiety and heaviness, all of these things that we're being diagnosed with, because we don't really know how sometimes to where to put them. So mental health, uh you know, being aware of just other people's state of mind, or even my own state of mind or my other other people's state of being is important because then you get a backdrop of of you know what they're presenting to you, yeah. And so conversations, it they they just help. Communication is is the best medicine for that argument with your husband, yes, that argument with your friend, you know, or that disagreement or whatever. Um, mental health, we have to be aware and and be you know cognate of of people and and what they carry until you talk to somebody, yes, you'll never know. Like if you seen me and didn't know what the girl told me that September, she said, You only if people knew, only if people knew what you have gone through. She said they would bewilder about how you look the way that you look. And I said, Well, you know, because people would see me and they say, Oh, Tere, you look good. And I said, Well, I thought I always looked good. You know, I wouldn't go wear that I wouldn't go and wear them ugly garments you know, too long. I don't like ugly stuff, you know, and I like nice cute stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:54

Oh, you have pros for a little bit there. That's okay. So, um anyway, listen, what legacy do you want to leave behind? Not just for you, but for Orlando as what?

SPEAKER_02 48:12

Oh, you're gonna make me cry. See, I was trying to I thought I was gonna be alright. I thought I was okay, they gonna come. These tears is gonna come. Um, you just got me off right there. Boom, it just hit me. Sorry. For him, if he was looking at me, um, I would say I would want him to know, or he would see that I did it. Yeah, I'm doing it. Um resiliency, the strength that um he's always seen me display even in the roughest times, but um, because he would always say, I want to say, babe, I did this, I did that. He'd be like, Yeah, I know. You know, he was never surprised at the things that I accomplished because he knew that I would do it. And so one of the things I would want to, you know, showcase if he could see, babe, I did it. Yeah, um, the legacy that I would want to leave for myself is that um of love and compassion. Uh-huh. Um, I believe that when people feel genuine love, yeah, they um respond differently. Yes. When people feel like you care, you can you can communicate with them. So legacy of resiliency, strength, uh-huh, a biblical foundation. Um, I know that when somebody gets all of my Bibles, they're gonna be like, oh my Lord, this girl, you know, you she really read her Bible, but a legacy of faith, um, that's important. And um, because we have to change some generational things in our families, and um, it takes people to do that. And um, I never uh I didn't, you know, cut set out to to be who I am, it just I I just became and um a legacy of of faith, a legacy of resiliency, a legacy of never give up. Um it's always a way. And um, I think if we would have, and please, I'm not judging anybody, but I there has to be a level of resiliency in us. Yeah, yes, we have to keep going, and we can't give up, and so they'll say that was a never give up kind of kind of woman. She left never give up in this earth, you know, no matter what happened. Yeah, she was gonna go a little bit farther, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:10

I love that for you. Oh my god, it this was just an awesome conversation, and I know that um there is somebody out there who need this, who need this, and you giving you your your yes to come to my little old podcast as much as you can, and I have um there's so many takeaways from myself and I'm grateful, just even in the way I treat my husband, I don't treat him bad, but when I'm a brat, I'm a brat. And just remembering that one day it's gonna be our turn. We we that we can we can't avoid that, and that the time that we have the very best time that we have in life is the time that we have right now, yeah, and that taking that for granted, especially, you know, my husband is such an amazing man. He's just he reminds me of which when you speak about Orlando, he's he reminds me so much of my husband, you know. And I'm a brat, I know that I am, but talking to you today, I'm telling you, you have um, you have um done some things for my marriage. Wonderful, just in these few moments. So I I love and appreciate you for that. I really do.

SPEAKER_02 52:55

That's why I said yes. I said yes when I seen it, I didn't even think about it. And and honestly, I was like, is she gonna get in touch with me? And you did, and I've been telling everybody about this, and um, I said to the Lord, even in the greatest of pain, I said, if you want me to tell this story, whenever you want me to tell this story, I will I will do it. And um it seemed like this whole week I've been telling this story, and I'm grateful for your podcast, and I'm grateful for the platform to be able to share, and so never call your podcast little old anymore. Yeah, you're right, right. You're doing something that's so needed, it takes courage to continue to do this, and you know, the other things that you shared with me, it takes courage to continue to go and do and to give back. Um, a lot of people are selfish and they just want it, they always want it for themselves. Yeah, but you are I've been watching you since the books and everything that just releasing, and you've been on Facebook and just sharing your story. And I thought you were so amazing. And I was like, I wonder one day will I ever get to talk with her? Wow. And here we are, and you made this available for me to voice and and just help somebody else. So thank you for all your sacrifices and the hours that we don't see you up and crying or praying and all the things that you do to bring couch conversations to the forefront.

SPEAKER_01 54:40

Yes, I appreciate you. You just don't know every day. I wake up and say, I'm done with this. But uh, and then I'm telling you, I'm like, I'm done. And then next morning, I'm like, so okay, I'm gonna, you know, do this or handle that. But I really appreciate you so much. Um, Tory, where can people find you if they wanted to say, I need to talk to her?

SPEAKER_02 55:08

Oh goodness. Um, I'm my my image agency is on Instagram and I'm becoming more visible on social media because I've never really wanted to do that. So the H I M Girl on Instagram, um, Herimage Makeup on Facebook, and just my regular page on Facebook. My website is uh www.artofim.com. And um just that's the business part of it. The ministry part of it has really not surfaced yet, it's on its way. But if you reach out to me um just for any anything like that, or just you just need to DM me and say, hey, you know, can we talk? I'm always going to to make myself available. So um my business and ministry is one and the same. They just they are two separate things, but one at the same time, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 56:06

All right, you have anything that's coming up?

SPEAKER_02 56:10

I'm planning a um bra um collection. I'm a bra recycler and uh ambassador, and so uh collect bras for women and young girls in need. And so I'm gonna be scheduling that, and um that'll be coming soon. That'll be uh hosted from the salon. So you bring a bra, you get entered to get a free makeover, uh, image makeover. And then I'm hoping to be able to schedule some um uh like a sweat, some sweat therapy with uh sweat therapy LLC here in Akron, a workout um event, so we can take care of our mind, body, and spirit, you know, it all goes to get the workout in. So just some things that you'll see eventually, um, you know, in the next coming months.

SPEAKER_01 57:04

Okay, well, girl, thank you so much. I'm telling you, you have no clue what you just done to my marriage, what you have just done for it. I'm telling you, I can't wait to go down and tell my husband, honey, I love you. I know I'm a brat, but I really appreciate you coming to the couch. And one of these days we're gonna have a couch, honey. My husband working on it, okay? But I appreciate you coming and um telling your story, this sensitive, sensitive subject. And it feels like I know Orlando just talking to you, seeing him through you. And and so thank you for sharing your husband with us, and I will be talking to you again soon. Okay, thank you. Have the most amazing evening. I am. I'm gonna go get me something to eat. All right, I'm gonna go and get back on that motorcycle before it starts raining.

SPEAKER_02 58:00

I've always wanted a motorcycle. Whenever you're ready to ride, let me know.

SPEAKER_01 58:05

I'll teach you.

SPEAKER_00 58:08

All right. See you later. Bye, you guys.