FACES WE HIDE: NOW LETS HEAL

Join us for the final episode of the powerful series Faces We Hide on Kouch Konversations: “Now Let’s Heal.”

This heartfelt and transparent conversation dives deep into childhood trauma, the long-lasting effects it can have on us as adults, and the difficult but necessary journey toward healing. Together, our panel discusses how unresolved pain can impact relationships, self-worth, mental health, boundaries, parenting, trust, and the way we navigate everyday life.

For many, survival became a lifestyle, but healing is possible.

In this final episode, we break the silence surrounding trauma, unpack the masks people wear to hide their pain, and explore what it truly means to begin healing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. This conversation is raw, real, and designed to remind listeners that they are not alone in their journey.

If you’ve ever struggled with the effects of your past, battled silent pain, or wondered if healing was possible for you, this episode is for you.

Because surviving was necessary… but now, let’s heal.

If you or anyone you know of anyone who is struggling mentally call 988 nationwide

Your healing doesn’t happen in silence; it happens in conversation.

If this episode spoke to you, join us inside the community and continue the dialogue.

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Because here… we don’t just talk about it.
 We do the work.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:02

But hey y'all, hey, welcome back to Couch Conversations. And we're about to finish up this series on Faces We Hide, but today it's all about now. Let's heal. Let's start to heal. Okay. Now, some of this stuff can be triggering. I just want to let you know because we are going to be talking about some childhood trauma things. And some people still cannot deal with that right now. So if you cannot deal with it, I'm going to have to ask you to keep on going, okay? Keep on going because you know this is going to be a deep conversation. And uh I don't want anybody to get triggered. And of course, y'all know me, I'm just a life coach. I'm not a therapist. So I don't want to um open up no can of worms for people that I cannot close. Okay. So today we got a couple of people that's joining us for this conversation. We have Robin. Welcome back, Robin. Hey girl, hey. Are you there, honey?

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Yeah. I'm sorry, I couldn't get it off of you. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to get this conversation going. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:12

And then we have Miss Vernita. Hey Bernita, welcome back. Hey, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Hey. And then my boo. Hey, Miss Jul.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Hey, you know I'm excited to get into this. Here it is. Thank you for having me back.

SPEAKER_03 1:33

You're welcome. You're welcome. So, y'all, we're just gonna jump right in there. We're gonna start this conversation. And it's gonna probably be a deep one. I know that when it comes to childhood trauma, I know that we all have some form of childhood trauma. Um, and me for myself, I went through quite a bit. So we're gonna dive into just a little bit of it today, and but the most important part of this is that I want to start talking about how do we heal from it. Okay. So when you hear the word childhood trauma, what comes to mind? Robin?

SPEAKER_00 2:20

This mute button is gonna be the it's gonna be on my nerves today. I'm so sorry. When I think of childhood trauma, what comes to mind to me is um just some unfavorable, unfavorable circumstance that has occurred in someone's life. For me, sadly, my first, I'll say my first memory of you know my existence on this earth happened to have been a childhood trauma. And I don't know if that's by default from trauma or if that's just what it is, but um it happened around the age of about four or five, four or five. And um, yeah, it just stuck with me for my whole life.

SPEAKER_03 2:59

Wow. Okay. Does anybody else have anything to add to that? Just unmute if y'all feel like you want to answer. I'm gonna tell y'all when childhood trauma, when I hear the words childhood trauma, um, what comes to mind for me is fear, um, neglect, um, lost. Um, oof, ooh, lots of lots of things. Because I because the thing is, I can't ever remember having a childhood because of the trauma, because of the the type of trauma that I went through. And the type of trauma that I went through was sexual, physical, emotional. Um, I was sexually abused by multiple people, multiple people, men and women. And then um, I was abused by family members, uh, physically, mentally, emotionally, and with all that, when I'm still thinking about that word childhood trauma, I'm I'm I'm even thinking about throwaway. I'm thinking about throwaway. So um when did you realize that your childhood experiences was of affecting your adult life, Vernita?

SPEAKER_02 4:15

Oh gosh. Um I keep having flashbacks, and then I'm overpro it, it made me overprotective of all of my children, especially my daughter. And then um I had outbursts. What that means for me is that you know, some of the things that you remember from your trauma that all of a sudden you could be having a great conversation, and something will trigger you to say, Well, or not like a person or flat, I would I would crash out, like for instance on my brother because he didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

Kids be using the kids be using crash out.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

Yeah, I would crash out. I would crash out, be like, you don't understand. You didn't do this, this, this, this, this to protect me, blah, blah, blah. You know, so crash out maybe or um yeah. You still do that to this day? I do. Yeah, I've gotten better. I've gotten better. Um because even getting ready for this conversation brought back a lot of stuff. And um so at this at this age, this ripe age of fifty, I think I'm fifty-seven, of fifty-seven, I am still like triggered and still wondering or or realizing um that I'm just not something something that needs to be thrown away, or um that I am worthy. So I have to tell myself that, like, you know, I I do my affirmations now, but before no. But that makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 5:56

But you still crash out.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

I do. I mean, I forgive. I have forgiven. Uh-huh. I have forgiven. Yeah. But I don't forget because some of it still if people see me today, they might remember an instance from 1989 or 19. I don't even know when I graduated, I forgot, but 1985. Yeah. Because the whole Akron, Ohio knew, like the whole school knew. So it's like, you know. Wow. So you so for me, I would cover my I still cover myself up. I I still dress a certain way, I still carry myself a certain way, and I'm still very quiet. If that means if every anybody ever wondered why I'm quiet, that's why.

unknown 6:40

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

But yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:42

Well, Jewel, Jewel, we want to hear from you a little bit. What's what's your take on that?

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Uh so for me, I realized my childhood experiences were affecting me mostly in how I repeated cycles in relationships. The way I watched a lot of the women in my life be in relationship, um, reactions to certain things, you know, arguments, yelling, you in relationships, and they raise their voice. I'm shutting down because I grew up in an abusive home. Um, boundaries, people pleasing, you know, just not wanting that walking on eggshells, the way I handle my emotions. I always just dealt with everything on my own because I had to do that as a child, right? There was nobody there to hold my emotions. I was pretty much holding everybody's emotions, including the adults. So I had to grow up fast. I had to have a lot of emotional maturity early. So I always just took whatever I was feeling in private.

SPEAKER_03 7:49

In private. So, what have you done different to change that? Like, are you still operating that way or you're in the process of changing that?

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Uh, I definitely feel like I have transitioned out of the people pleaser, um, not being vocal. I'm very much gonna say, yeah, no, I'm not okay right now. Um that wouldn't be me. You know, I with y'all, I'm like, yeah, no, today I'm like, you know, I'm getting to that space where I'm comfortable letting people know like I don't have the capacity today. I know a lot of people come to me for that strength, and I don't think that they humanize me enough to realize, you know, some of the same struggles you're dealing with, you know, I I I'm here walking earth too, living through these things and going through, um, and just being more vocal about my story. I think I kind of carry a presence that doesn't look like I've been through anything. Um, so now I'm being able to share that story, and I have a lot more people that are like, oh, okay, okay. That makes a little sense.

SPEAKER_03 8:57

Being in this line of business, I don't know why people look at us and think, oh, they have it together. They're perfect, nothing is happening with them. Look at her. Robin and look, Robin is one of the prettiest people I've ever met. And it looked like she has not never been through anything. If you look at her, you would think that that's one of the happiest people on earth. You know, you wouldn't think that she'd been through anything, but people do not understand we are human. I cry. I cry. I'm going through something right now with the a friend of mine who passed away, like a sister. I'm listening, I still have an obligation to my platform, but on the same hand, I'm still human. You know, I cry just like the next person, you know. And you're right. You said you said the the perfect words that they don't humanize, they don't humanize you, you know. So that really, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:57

So sadly, I just wanted to be back off of that. I feel like sometimes too, you're not, they don't humanize you until you blow up or until you crash out, as Bernita said, or until you go through things, you know. I feel like I didn't start feeling like I was being humanized by certain people who used to be in my life until I was going through, you know, everything I was going through. But it took for me to almost literally be in a position of not being able to take care of myself and um, you know, be at the mercy of other people for them to even see me as human. So I I totally agree with that.

SPEAKER_03 10:35

Yeah. Yeah. And I was gonna ask Renita is when you say that you crash out, do you feel like you crash out because you feel like people are not humanizing you and because they're they feel like, oh, you should just forget that, or you well, I'm I guess I'm trying to figure out how to say it. Yes, I'm trying to figure out this crash out thing.

SPEAKER_02 10:59

So the crash out for me to crash out is for me to speak what's on my mind. Okay, because I'm known as the quiet, nice, subtle, always happy, go lucky, Nita. Yeah, but when I say exactly what's on my mind because hey, this happened. Uh no, it didn't. Oh, but it did. Or you know, you weren't there, no, you didn't do this, no, you didn't do that. I don't crash out where I'm cursing someone out. I state the facts, and this is what happens. And most people are like, Oh, I didn't know. Oh, I uh oh, why didn't you say something? But what if I did? I did. So my trauma is I have a lot. So it's sexual, mental, um, physical, it's all the things, right? You know, imagine being eight years old and someone's trying to sell you to somebody, right? Or imagine someone trying to rape you. There's a bunch of people, but all of a sudden the people are gone. But when you make a phone call or say, you know, when you run across a grass field and be like, This is what happened, why are you calling me? I'm at work. So it's like a burden, right? So then you feel like a burden, right? And so then you go to school the next day because you have to still go to school the next day. The whole world knows. But no one has any capacity to, you know, pull you aside, have a conversation or tell you what you should be doing. Then you go to court and because you smile when you're mad, something's wrong with you. Right? Right. So it's those type of things that people push under push under the rug because they don't want to deal with it. And then you're still left to deal with that as an adult, still not knowing how to handle it or how you're supposed to handle it. So you go through it, and then so now you're overprotective because now you have these children that you're trying to protect, and you don't want them to have the same trauma that you have. So, you know, it it just goes from generation to generation to generation if unless you stop it. Unless you stop it, unless you stop it. So the buck stops here, right? Right, yeah. That's why we're having these conversations because a lot of in our generation, I think a lot of people swept sweep things under the rug. I don't think in this generation they're doing it as much, but I'm sure it's happening everywhere. Yeah, I didn't mean to talk that long.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

No, you're good, but I I would love to say this to you, Bernita, because it's on my spirit. Stop calling that a crash out.

SPEAKER_02 13:29

Come on, so what is it then? Because I'm about to cry. I don't want to.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Um, I don't know, it's just on my spirit, but um, I don't know. I feel like stop saying that that's a crash out because you're speaking your truth. Because it's your truth, and um that's not crashing out. That's you finally allowing the young girl who felt unheard to be heard, and you allow that. Whether anybody receives it, I get it out and say it because that's what they say in you.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

Thank you. I'll try not to cry, but it's hard when it's just hard, you know, it's hard to say because people don't see you for who you are or what you've been through.

SPEAKER_03 14:18

Just saying just like this. Fuck what other people what fuck what other people think and say and feel, Vernita. This has listen, listen, just like you said, this is your I wrote a book, it's called My Story, My Truth. When I wrote that book, everybody shut down on me. They came for me, and I was already warned that they was coming for me, but I'm like, well, why was somebody come for me for me telling my truth? You know, I didn't ask to be raped, I didn't, I didn't ask to be beat, I didn't ask for this be for these things to happen to me. Why am why are you mad at me for telling my truth? You're right, and that's the reason why I kept asking Jewel, why is this? Why are you calling it a crash out? It's not a crashout, it's just that Vernita has been quiet for so long, and now you're I know you I've been knowing you for years, and now Vernita is starting to talk. She's starting to talk. And I was gonna ask you, are you afraid to tell your story?

SPEAKER_02 15:17

Yeah. Well, see, I like you know, because you've been trying to get me to write my book forever, and so a reason why I will not is because I don't want to hurt anybody, right? Um a lot of the things that have happened. How do I say this? I don't think I don't want to hurt anybody. And it w it will hurt people that I still that I love, you know, but and and I'm grown. I've I've come a long way. So I mean my story matters, yes, but does it matter to the point where it might mess up someone else's like like uh life? It could, and I don't want it to because I I I haven't healed totally, but you know, I I do great for myself and I could talk to talk to people all day long about their issues and help them. But talking like this I think helps me, you know. But yeah, I I I d I shouldn't tell well, not that I shouldn't tell my story, but I don't I don't think I should just yet. There's a lot, there's layers, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As a child. That's as a child, and that's still with me today. I can still visualize it, I still see it. You know, so it's a lot.

unknown 16:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

I want to say, Bernie, that you your feelings are valid, and I think the reason why you feel like it's a crash out is because you haven't spoken up for so long, you don't realize the validity in your feelings, but your feelings are valid, and you do get to speak up for yourself. I wanted to say that, and then I also wanted to say as far as telling your story. My story, I'm sure that I ended up hurting a lot of people, but that wasn't the intent of my story. And your story, you know, I can't say what the call is on your life, but I'm willing to bet it's attached to your story. And so it's important for you to prioritize that, you know, whenever you're ready. But prioritize that over the fear of hurting other people. People are gonna get hurt, but that's not the mission that you're setting out to do. And there's also a way to articulate and tell your story without you know damaging anyone. You know, people, I mean, if the the truth does hurt for a lot of people, it will hurt for a lot of people, especially because they be they may feel like the villain in your story, but at the end of the day, it's still your truth, it's still your reality, it's still your perspective. So you get to share that because again, your purpose is is more often than not, it is tied to your story than it is of your need to protect someone else.

SPEAKER_03 18:10

Absolutely. I agree with you, Robin. Thank you. Yeah, I totally agree with you. And read even read Robin, reading your book, the way that you told your story, because you had a traumatic story. In your book, I was mad at some people. I'm not gonna lie, but the way that you wrote that book was so graceful. It was so graceful. You still gave people grace in that book. And I love how you how you presented it. You told your story, you told your truth. This is what happened to me, whether y'all like it or not. I but I still love you, you know. And I can remember uh somebody telling me, and this has always been my saying, I'm hoping I'm gonna get it right. If you wanted a different part in my story, you should have played a different. If you wanted a different character in my story, you should have played a different part in my life, you know, and that's the truth. But I give people grace that I grew up with that was around me that allowed, I hate to use those words aloud, but was there when these things happened to me, I give them grace because they were kids too.

unknown 19:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:24

When I look at some of my aunts, my aunt, I got an aunt that's only been seven, eight years older than me. They were kids too, you know. So, and then thinking about our family, our family dynamics, and how my grandparents used to think, you know, how was they supposed to know? You know, so I give them grace. However, these things did happen to me, and I have every right to talk about it, and I'm gonna keep talking about it because the one thing that I have realized that my story is part of what you say, a part of uh who I am and uh a part of my um my journey in life and my yeah, my purpose is is a part of all that. And if I don't move forward um and talk about what I've survived, there's I feel like there's people dying on my watch because I can remember there was a time, girl, I was crazy. There was a time I thought I was the only person in the world that this had happened to. And I matter of fact, I I didn't even think I was gonna live until I was 30. I was like, well, 30 is gonna be it. I don't know why that was the magic number, but I prepared myself and I lived my lived my life accordingly. You know, I didn't look at myself as a human. I'm the one who dehumanized me. And um, I just looked at my myself as just a um just a piece of nothing, you know. And so it was it wasn't until I hit my late 40s when I said something gotta change. I mean, I can't I can't keep living like this because um this trauma has affected me all these years. And if I want to turn it around and I want for my kids not to continue to be affected, I I have to do something different, you know, and I have to do some something major, and I did. I made a major move. And writing my book was one, it was part of it. So Julie, you're quiet down there, but I know I see you, I see you. I just think also I don't know if anybody else's phone is sounded static y I know yours is right now.

SPEAKER_01 21:51

Okay, yeah, it was sounding a little static y, so I hope that's not picking up on the request.

SPEAKER_03 21:56

It is what it is, and the devil is alive anyway.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

But yeah, I agree with what y'all are telling her. I just feel like she needed to hear that.

SPEAKER_03 22:08

Yeah. Yeah. So I know one of the one of the things that I struggled with as a result of this childhood trauma was boundaries. And I struggle with it with everybody. I was the biggest people pleaser. When you look in a dictionary under People Pleaser, you will see my face right there. I was that girl. I had no, I didn't even know what boundaries were until I started getting into the this coaching thing. And I was like, boundaries. I mean, I know what boundaries is, but boundaries, what's that? I mean, you mean I could tell people no? I could tell people they can't do this. I was allowed to do that. Did anybody else have issues with boundaries?

SPEAKER_00 22:49

I had issues with boundaries. Yeah, I had issues with boundaries. And I think to be honest, my issues with boundaries wasn't, it was more a matter of a lack of understanding and even being aware of what boundaries were. Or, like you said, I can tell people no. Like, you know, not doing X, Y, Z for a friend doesn't make me a bad person. You know, prioritizing myself doesn't make me a selfish person. Oh, yeah, we're about to run this up because I need to establish boundaries in every area of my life. Even my job, I don't ask for time off. I tell them what day I'm not gonna be there because I have something more important to do. I know it sounds crazy, but that's also a boundary, too, because a lot of times people don't even put boundaries in with their employer, and their employer be running them crazy the whole time. You get to really dictate, you know, when you can and can't be available, you know, depending on your role and the job you do. I'm I mean, obviously that's subjective, but it's one of those things where I think for most of my life, it was always, well, can't I gotta see if I can get off work or can I? But when I got sick, after I got sick and I went through all the things I went through, it was just like, no, I'm I'm never asking permission to do my own life ever again from anybody.

SPEAKER_03 24:09

So got up and ran up out of this office and came back again. Because that's deep. That's deep. And let me tell you when I started learning the word no, I wrote a book about it. It's called The Power of Hell Naw. And when I started learning that word and exercising that word no, honey, that word has gotten me in a lot of trouble. My two kids and three grandkids I don't even have relationships with because of that word no, you know, because people really cannot take that word no. People do not like for you to set boundaries, they don't want you doing that. Because if you set a boundary, how am I how am I come over there and use you up? You know, and uh, and then especially me who is an ex-people pleaser, and I still struggle with it to this day. It's something that don't don't just go away. Okay, they want to know how can I get back over there and get I was an asset, okay? But I was an asset all all in the wrong way. All I girl, I was paying utilities, buying cars, flights, trips, um, giving money. Name it, name it. So learning these boundaries, it was tough. But I mean, I sort of kind of got it down pat now. I don't have no problem with saying, no, you know. But I see you over there shaking your head, Bernita. How are you with these boundaries?

SPEAKER_02 25:48

I'm just learning boundaries. That's a little late to the game, but no, I have my boundaries a little bit. Yeah, but I'm still a I'm semi-people pleaser still. Yeah, I don't say no very often unless I really can't do something, but I'm working on it. I'll you know. I learned certain boundaries now. I don't let people run over me anymore. So nothing.

SPEAKER_00 26:13

Let me help you, Bernita. Let me ask you this question. Why can't you say no? Like, why don't you say no?

SPEAKER_02 26:22

Because I don't want people to be mad. If I'm being honest, I don't want someone to be mad that I can't do something. Because yeah, I got issues over here. I got issues because I think you know, I just I don't know. I don't want people to be mad, or I I think I just want people to like me because yeah, that's probably why.

SPEAKER_00 26:45

I don't know. Here's the thing though. If people are only in your life because of your yes, they are not your people anyway. Like they don't need to be in your life. If you can't tell them no, if you can't tell them no, why are they that just reveals why they're in your life because they want to use you because they know Vernita is gonna always show up. But Vernita, you know, showing up for other people when it inconveniences you or is it something that may not be something that you absolutely want to do, you're abandoning yourself for these people who are using you. Like that's one of those things, and I hate to put it like that, but I don't really know how to sugarcoat stuff. But that's one of those things you have to think about the next time you decide what that you're not gonna say no. You have to think, like, okay, does this hurt me and help them? Or is this something that I actually want to do for this person? Because then it becomes a qu a question of heart posture. You know, what is your heart heart posture when you're saying yes? You know, if if it's a matter of you making sure you're protecting your blessings, if your heart posture ain't right, it's it's not doing the job anyway.

SPEAKER_02 27:53

Gotcha. Well, I did get hard at one time where I said, you know, this is what I want and this is what I expect. And then I had to cut, I did cut somebody off. It was hard, but I still feel guilty about it. But yeah, I did learn that.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

Cutting somebody off, cutting somebody off don't solve first of all, don't solve the problem, and it isn't taken care of you telling that person no. Only thing that you've done is just cut that you cut that person off. You know, this is one thing that somebody told my aunt taught me this. She said, Do you know how to tell people no? Just say no and run.

SPEAKER_02 28:38

I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna try that.

SPEAKER_03 28:41

No and run, or no and hang up. I remember my mother years and years ago, just before she passed away, and she told me because I didn't know how to say no. And I remember when I first started saying no, my cousin called my mother and said, Something is wrong with Venus because I asked her to do such and such, and she told me no. But my mother told me, she said, the way that you practice saying no, she said, if if somebody asked you for the time, look down at your watch and say, Oh no, I don't even have the time. Like she said, yeah, you just do it like that. And I was like, and I tried to practice that back then. This was way back then. This was when I was in my 20s. I girl, I was nowhere near ready, okay? But um, yeah, now I and then let me just say this too, Vernita, because I I fight with you a lot. I fight with Vernita a lot. She goes, No, I'm gonna, no, you're not. So Vernita has an amazing, amazing business. Um, she do all kinds Vernita, tell them what you do. Because I'm telling you, the girl is cold.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

I'm still working on my elevator pitch. But but no, I I I I am a crafter. I do, I create. Um, I like to bring people's visions to life. That's my thing. So if you have something that you're wanting to do for your business or for your home or for a party or whatever, I'm that person you call to get some insight on what you should do or what you can make or what can be done. So I do it from the router to the tutor. That makes sense. So I'm very multifaceted and I just love to bring people's visions to life from t-shirts to I sew, I crochet, I just do a lot of different things. Yeah, too much.

SPEAKER_03 30:26

Yeah. And I have to I have to fight with her because she's one of my vendors. And I'll say, Well, you know, I would like it like this, and okay, can I wanna, you know, have 10 of these. She said, Well, I'll tell you what, you know, you can get the 10 and I'll just charge. I was like, No, you will not. You're gonna charge me how much it costs. You know, stop this. I, you know, that's because I'm a friend too. You know, I'm not you're not gonna be a people pleaser uh to me. I won't shut you down, I'm gonna call you on it. I know um my husband had a really big issue with people pleasing, a really big issue with it. And I was like, okay, enough is enough. And I had to even help him with that. Now he's the extreme. And I'll be looking at people and people be asking him, because he's a um master mechanic, he do all kinds of stuff too. People be asking him about certain things, he'd be like, No, I'm not able to do that right now. And I'll be looking at that person like Philip's kind of feeling kind of sorry for him because he just like cut, like just cut dry. He don't make no excuses or nothing, be like, no, I'm not able to do that. No, not today. I'm like, oh my goodness. So look, I want to know, um, why do y'all think that people suffer in silence when it comes to this childhood trauma thing? Like, why is why would they rather just keep it buried inside instead of just talking about it and saying this is what's what's happening?

SPEAKER_00 32:00

I'll go. Um, that can to me that can be a little layered. I think it just depends on the type of trauma. So for me, I deal dealt with pretty much everything that you all said as far as, you know, mental and physical abuse, um, sexual abuse. I dealt with all of that. And um, for the mental and physical abuse, I can tell you that I did not know that I experienced that type of abuse, you know, in my childhood until having conversations, I would say early adulthood and realizing it was not okay, you know, some of the things that I went through that that wasn't normal because it was normal for me. So I didn't realize that it wasn't normal. And then for the sexual abuse, um, you start to they, you, you, depending on who your assailant is or whatever, they may make you feel like there's something wrong or like you did something wrong. So if they make you feel like you did something wrong, then you don't want to get in trouble for you know doing anything wrong, even though you know you didn't want it to happen or whatever. And so I think it just really depends on the type of trauma, the environment, and just the mindset at the time. So for me, that's what it was for me.

SPEAKER_03 33:19

Well, you said that um they they make you feel as though you did something wrong when we're talking about sexual abuse. And I was made to feel that way because I've always had a um I've always had a body. I'm just gonna say I've just always had what they say, a body, right? Not always my boobs, probably later on in life got bigger, but I've always had a body and I've always had hips. And I always thought that my hips is what got me in trouble because men, even when I was at a younger age, would always comment on my body. So I always thought that the sexual abuse was my fault. And so that's why that's one of the reasons why I sort of kind of kept it to myself. Because even too, when I um tried to even say something about it, I was shut down. I was shut down. And it was almost made it, it was, it was, it made me feel like when I even tried to tell, like how I received it, was like, if you didn't have those big hips. Now, it was never said to me like that. I'm just saying in my head, I'm thinking, if I wouldn't have had those big hits, then I don't think that that would have happened to me. That you know, so it's my fault, you know. So I know that's crazy. But how do how important do y'all think that uh faith and mentorship and coaching and um even therapy? How how important is it to y'all when it comes to you know trying to heal?

SPEAKER_00 35:21

No, it sounds like a robot, kinda.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

Well, that's okay. What about you, Miss Miss Robin? How important is it to you when it's we're talking about coaching and mentorship and therapy?

SPEAKER_00 35:42

Okay, so coaching and mentorship, I feel like are mandatory, absolutely mandatory for your life, for every part of your life. Um, I learned this late in my early 30s, and I learned that I needed a mentor for everything, a money mentor at the time I was married. I needed a marriage mentor, I needed a business mentor, you know, I needed a mentor for every area of my life, and um I pretty much have stuck with that. It's so important because it helps you to, you know, continue to elevate to higher levels in your life and to achieve goals, you know, personal goals that you have. Now, I will also say for therapy, it's it's kind of the same sentiment, you know, for your emotional, mental, physical wellness, all that is important to also uh just to be in alignment with where you're supposed to go and where you're at now. Like sometimes it's difficult to get through things. Like for me, I've been in therapy, it's been two and a half years straight. And while I'm not going every week, I go through my little cycle. Sometimes I have to go every week, sometimes it's bi-weekly, sometimes it's monthly. I was just on monthly and I just switched back to bi-weekly. You know, it's just it's important to me. It's like a maintenance thing. It doesn't always have to be when life is coming at you on all cylinders. You know, it can all it can just be someone to talk to who is, you know, trained to help guide you through overcoming certain obstacles and things in our lives. Like, yeah, we can talk to our friends and stuff, but nine times out of 10, the people that we want to talk to either haven't dealt with what we're dealing with or really aren't in the don't have the capacity, I'll say, to help lead us out of those cycles and lead us onto uh a higher ground.

SPEAKER_03 37:35

Um, Bernita, are you in any type of therapy right now?

SPEAKER_02 37:40

No, no, but I think after this, I I probably will. I mean, I work with therapists, I work in a counseling center, it's my full-time job. So I know the benefits of it and what you know, and I probably need to hire a coach. Uh uh, yeah. I need all the things. So that's why. So had I had information about these sort of things as a young person, as a young girl, um not that I'd be better off because I think I'm I think I manage my life pretty well, but uh had I had that type of mentorship, uh I probably would handle things a lot more better. I wouldn't crash out, I wouldn't like, you know, do all of the things. So I'm glad these, you know, you have college conversations and we're having these meaningful conversations. There's so many people and women, men, all the things, you know, in the black community, therapy is like, you know, you got to be crazy, you got to be losing your mind. You know, but I'm not losing my mind. But I think that these things are are are important. I wish I would have had this as a younger age, but now after after today's episode, I think I will be gone. I tried it once, it didn't work out well, so I'll try it again.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

Yeah, and that's the that's the thing. You just keep trying it out. I really wish that we could hear Jewel because Jewel have an amazing platform. An amazing platform. And um, I want you to, if you can, I want you to link up with Jewel. Um, she fired. She fires. So, um, and that's just it. I was gonna go back to uh what you were saying about therapy. Sometimes, you know, you go every month, sometimes you go, you know, every week. And I know I haven't had any therapy probably in the last year and a half, and I know that I need to find me a therapist. I I have to, and when I first started on this journey, you're right. I had me every coach there's I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm like, listen, I need this coach, that coach, that this coach, and I paid for them all too. I paid for them all because I knew that I wanted to get well. I knew that I wasn't I wasn't well, I knew it. So that was very, very important to me. What um what do you think are some practical tools and habits people can um have to help them start healing?

SPEAKER_02 40:07

Journaling is good.

SPEAKER_03 40:08

Oh, bomb.com.

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Yeah. Journaling. Um even if you do voice note notes to yourself on your iPhone if you have that, um, but journaling, because journaling has helped me. Um when I'm feeling a certain way, I just write, write. You know, and plus you know, do your daily affirmations. Um, I do those. I'm a person that um does not think very highly of herself. That makes sense. Like if you see me. I know it's all kinds of things. Um but you know, I I used to dress very baggy, you know. I I didn't show my body because you know that's the body is what got me in trouble in the first place, I think. You know. So it's like it's some it's layers, but I'm just saying, journaling, writing things out, that tends to help.

unknown 40:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 41:00

Oh Lord, I think I'm back. Can y'all hear me? Jesus Cridy, I had to get on the iPad. I'm so sorry, y'all.

SPEAKER_00 41:10

We can hear you now.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

Okay, good, good. Because I was I had a few things to say, but you know, yes, just jump right in there, girl. I'm like, let me figure, let me pull this iPad out. We ain't got it for nothing, right? Yeah, this is working better because then I can't hook up to my hotspot. But okay, I'm back. I'm back, y'all. Where we at?

SPEAKER_03 41:35

We were talking about how important this is um therapy, um, coaching, mentorship, and what are some tools that you know people can use so that they can start healing?

SPEAKER_01 41:50

I definitely think they're very important. I think the problem is our community, the black community, have such a stigma on therapy, but you want to know the root of where that started. I know everybody on here heard what what stay what happened in this house stays in this house. So we have learned to not talk about what we're experiencing in our homes and our whatever the case may be. So it's kind of this fear of being judged. I think life coaching is a little bit more digestible for our community because it ain't at it ain't a therapist, but I think um everybody need it. Everybody need it, everybody has experienced something that they should work through and they need to heal from, but that shame, that shame that's attached to most of your trauma keeps you from wanting to talk about it or hurting other people. But I think the thing about that is we don't even realize we're trying to make somebody else comfortable, and nine times out of ten, the person that we're trying to hold and not allow them to be affected by our truth is someone who hurt us, right? Right. So why am I coddling you? Because we're we're we're where was the coddles when I needed them. So I do, I think therapy is very much needed, but we have to make it we have to remove the stigma from it.

SPEAKER_03 43:23

Well, I I don't know what the problem is. Well, yes, I do, just like you said, but the thing is is that um people will run out and buy them $250 Jordans. I seen a line that was from the doorway of a beauty supply store. This was their grand opening down street and around the corner with all of us there, us folk. And we were there to get that hair or whatever it was, and it it kills me. That you will offer our community something free that you know is going to benefit you. It will benefit your children. It will it will address those social determinants of health, all that, and they will not pay no attention to that.

SPEAKER_01 44:22

Well, you know why.

SPEAKER_03 44:24

No, there's comfort.

SPEAKER_01 44:26

There's comfort in the chaos. We already, when you already know how something's going to end, this it's a little bit of this control thing that you need, right? Change is not easy. Healing is not easy work. And I think a lot of social media has made it so performative that they're not really giving people the real behind the scenes. So when they start calling themselves healing, they get to get hit with all of the emotions of it, and they'd be like, Yeah, and this is a no for me. I'm not gonna be able to do this. But that's where the resources come in, that's where the therapists come in, that's where the life coach comes in, that's where journaling comes in. But people are so comfortable in just knowing how the chaos ends that they'd rather just keep repeating that cycle. It's like, why not? I already know how this goes, I already know how it goes. So I'm already somewhat mentally and emotionally prepared, even though I know this is not what I really want to be doing. I'm already prepared for how it's gonna go, but they don't they have a fear of the unknown. Well, what's on the other side of healing? Peace, peace, period. Um it's hard to get there. I just was having a conversation with one of my friends, and she was like, You really just don't go. I have made peace. You do you know that it's so many people out here running from their cells? That's why they out every weekend, that's why they staying in these relationships, they staying in these friendships that they ain't even having any kind of benefit from because they can't sit with themselves. The minute they sit at home in quiet, they being attacked by their own demons, they shadows. So they're like, Yeah, let me go ahead and get outside and go be around somebody so I can uh deflect from what's really going on. But I think people fail to realize that's how you heal, sit in that, feel it, release it. The more you run from it, the more it's gonna chase you down, and the bigger it grows, yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_03 46:22

The bigger it grows. So now you got 45 other cycles to repeat to heal. You keep going. Well, then if that's the case, well then how how do we stop this thing? This this thing from growing, this just generational curse thing. How do we stop it?

SPEAKER_01 46:38

We're doing it now, talking about it, and and we we're trying to work and do it now. We just have to keep putting that awareness out there, we have to be the example, they have to see it in real time, and then they can be like, Oh, okay, I'm I'm noticing that just even stepping out here into the life coaching and being more vulnerable about the things that I've experienced, and now people are seeing how my life is turned around. They the peace is written all over me, and so they're like, Well, how you how you get there? Well, let me help you. Are you ready? Because it's scary, exactly, exactly. So we just have to keep being out there on the forefront, um putting it in their face. This is what you this is what you need. This, and you know, eventually we ain't gonna be able to help everybody, but it'll it'll be a domino effect because even if you help one woman and then she helps her child, or she helps a woman in her in her circle, it it you know, it just it that's how it goes. We just have to be the change we want to see, and it don't matter if all we help is one person.

SPEAKER_03 47:41

You're absolutely right about that. Because I'm gonna tell you, when I first got into life coaching, I'm like, honey, I had the the prettiest cape. Y'all should see my cape. I will get ready to go save the whole world, okay? I want look, this is all you have to do, and it just didn't work like that, you know. Um, I I can remember the day I took that cape off and I was like, I'm done with that. One-on-ones helping people was just not good for me. It took so much out of me, it took so much out of me. What I do love is group coaching. I love it. I love it. I love being in a setting with other women because I mean, just because I have the title life coach don't mean that I know everything, right? I like to give with other women. Y'all, you might know more than like I always tell Robin, I love hearing Robin talk. I always listen to Robin talk.

SPEAKER_04 48:37

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 48:38

I steal her words and everything. So I'm trying to, you know, learn my words and things like that. So I'm really trying to be around people that's smarter than me or know more than I do because I want to steal some of that stuff. You know, I'm that's that's that's a part of my healing too, you know. Yeah, not not feeling feeling like I was ever capable. So I never I never thought about learning different words or how to express myself. It has been a journey trying to articulate how I feel and what I think, you know, and now I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to learn to slow down and say exactly what it is that I'm uh I mean and um which direction I'm trying to go and all that good stuff, you know. So yeah, that's a part of my my healing. So what would you say, or any of you, what would you say to anybody that feels like they are broken beyond repair? Like I'm just too fucked up to fix. Simple as that.

SPEAKER_00 49:50

I would say take it one day at a time. I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day. Um, take it one day at a time. I don't think that anyone or anything can be too broken to fix unless that's what you're considered to, unless you don't want to be fixed or you don't want to be healed. Some people like, you know, they're they're settled on the idea that they are, we'll go back to damaged goods. They're settled on the idea, you know, that they're they're no good for anyone else because of XYZ. It's a mind shift, it's a mindset shift that happened and a shift in the mindset. And once that mindset shifts, you can start rebuilding yourself piece by piece. Um, there's no linear roadmap, there's no straightforward path, but it is healing is possible for everybody. And I'm just gonna be the person to say it. And it's through God, you know. We we we have to tap into the God within us in order to heal ourselves sometimes. Sometimes we be looking so much on the outside of us to be healed, reaching for you know, all the journals and all the life coaching at XYZ. And sometimes it is as simple as first of all being honest with yourself and and doing the work within yourself and accepting who you really are. That that lack of I think the biggest issue for a lot of people, even the people who don't want to go to therapy, is the simple fact that they don't want to be honest with with themselves about themselves. They like they want to hold on to their their inflated egos and their idea of who they believe they are because it's safer there.

SPEAKER_03 51:30

You're talking about that mirror, Jewel.

SPEAKER_01 51:32

I know. I baby, she was hitting on. I said, Well, I got nothing to say because that's exactly it for me. The where of self-awareness we talk about you earlier, yes, the self-awareness is so key, and honestly, just it's is you're you're not broken beyond repair, but that is if that's how you think, that's what it'll be. And I'm one of those type of for my coaching. Well, that's what you believe about yourself. Wow, is that what you believe about yourself? Because I'll tell you what, everything you believe about yourself will manifest into your reality, right? And so if you believe that you are broken beyond repair, you made that choice. You made that choice, and you don't need to that's a choice you're now making, yeah. Because you are you are every day you get up, you are in control of you and how you decide to show up. So, absolutely not, right? Absolutely not. No, you just need to be aware and honest. That's the key. That's the key. Speak the truth and stop thinking about and worrying about anybody else and how they'll be affected by it because your truth is your truth. There may have been other parties involved in the environment that they have a different perspective, and that's okay. That's okay, but your perspective is as loud as well, right?

SPEAKER_03 52:55

And I agree with you on that, and I feel like without telling your truth, we're gonna go back to this one more time. Let me just say this. This was like a cancer that was growing in my body, and I didn't I didn't only crash out, I did some horrible things, okay? I did horrible things, and I did horrible things to people because of it. There's a cancer in my body that was growing. I was mad as hell, okay? But I am glad that God stepped in and was like, enough is enough is enough, girl. Now stop. Let's get this together. And I'm happy about that. And I'm happy about that. And even now, my relationships have changed with people because of my truth. But the one thing that they can't tell they can't say to me is that I'm a liar, you know, and that you know, I'm I'm not I'm not telling the truth. You know it happened, you know it happened, you know, it's my truth.

SPEAKER_01 54:01

It's mine, and I'm and like Robin said, you gotta go back to God. Yeah. I I I firmly believe that, and I know we got people in the world who may not, and that's okay, because there may not be the people that I'm trying to speak to, but I ultimately believe getting more clear and getting that relationship with him helps you see what he saw in you. You see the you see the higher version of yourself before the world dumped all of whatever it dumped onto you, whatever experiences were done throughout the course of your life, underneath all of that is still something worthy. You are still worthy, you are still enough. God already saw that in you, and sometimes we need to turn reframe. Had we not all been through the things that we've been through, would we be here trying to turn the world around?

SPEAKER_02 54:56

Come on, no, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 55:00

So, like, I have to really look at my trauma. Yes, it was yes, it was rough, but like, look where I'm at now, look where I'm standing at now, and now I can help somebody else walk through theirs. We have to be that light sometimes at the end of the tunnel to help the other people in the dark see their way through.

SPEAKER_03 55:21

You better say it. And you know what else? What else? I I used to ask God, and he would never answer me either and piss me off. But I used to ask God, why me? Why, if you love me, why did you love why? Why would you let that happen to me? You love me? Why me? He said, What better person? Anybody else would have would have died from it. Would have broke. Do you hear me? They would have broke, died everything else. He knew I can handle it. I was the one. Come on, I was the one, honey. And I always say this about when it comes even in my family. There was there's so much trauma that has happened in my family, starting all the way back to my grandmother. Just this trauma, you know. My mother was 14 when she gave birth to me. 14 years old. 14. That should say something. Another one of my aunts was 12 when she gave birth to her first. She wrote a book about it. That says a lot about what was going on, and that thing that goes back to what you said, Jewel, was what goes on in my house stays in my house. Okay, so listen. Anyways, but we we about to go to a little deep, a little too late. You know, we always end up in the D in the D pen. Okay, y'all. What does peace look like to y'all now?

SPEAKER_02 56:55

Peace looks like y'all. Y'all have given me peace.

SPEAKER_01 57:00

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_02 57:02

It looks like y'all, it looks like women empowering women, um, talking about the difficult things. Like back in the day, nobody talked about the difficult things, and now we have these platforms where you can see strong women that have been through the same thing that you have been through, and that can help you. Like this is peace for me. So I just want to say thank you.

SPEAKER_03 57:26

You're welcome. So I'm gonna ask each one of y'all this question if your younger self could hear you right now, what would you say to them, Robin?

SPEAKER_00 57:43

You know you that bitch. I don't know if that's terrible, but that's the short version, and you told me to keep it short, so that's the short version. But I say that twice, like I said, because the way, the way, the things, the like just thinking about the things that my younger self went through growing up, like from being bullied in the home to being bullied when I left the home, to, you know, second guessing myself, to, yeah, it's so many different things that I could say, like that, you know, really piled on my psyche on top of the things, you know, that I went through as a child. And it was just like, oh my God, I had to peel myself back layer by layer by layer. And even still, you know, in my mid-40s, I am still peeling back the layers. But believe and trust, I now know who I am. And because I can stand on that and believe that everything that the younger me believed about myself is not true, those things are not true, you know. And so that's where that came from. I wasn't trying to be really cocky, but at the end of the day, that you like I really had to tell her, like, yeah, you were really that girl.

SPEAKER_03 59:03

So thank you for that. I love it. I love it, Jewel.

SPEAKER_01 59:10

Who if my younger self, if I could talk to my younger self, I would tell her that yes, it's going to be a rough road maintaining such a pure heart through all that you're going to endure, but ultimately you end up becoming everything that you knew you were outside of everything that you experienced.

SPEAKER_00 59:34

Come on, Woo-Boo. Look at Jules being all classy. I love it so much.

SPEAKER_01 59:44

Baby, she always knew. I literally, when I look back at my pictures, like you would never know I was going through the things that I was going through. And she maintained, like, I have so many people that tell me that, like, when you go through, you've been through the stuff that you've been through, like, how is your heart so pure? And I just never let none of that stuff make me bitter. Like, there was just always a nagging thing in me that said, Oh, it's gonna be worth it in the end. Just stay, just stay kind, stay gracious, stay graceful, um, and keep pushing. Keep pushing.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:19

That's what's up. Okay, Bernita, come on with it.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:25

It would be that you are more than just your body, you are smart, you are intelligent, and you do have a pretty face. You are beautiful, you have such a sweetheart, and you are just you might not be everybody's cup of tea, but you are somebody. That's what I would tell my younger son.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:46

I love that. Yes, you ain't gotta be everybody's cup of tea, but you still will be sip. Ain't that what they be saying?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:58

You still won't be sip, Tanny. Yes, well, as for me, what I would tell my younger self, and I always do, girl, listen, they're gonna pay for what they did. Okay, and we ain't talking about fighting, cussing, and fussing. We're gonna prove them wrong. And that's it, that's all. God, I've got I'm special. I'm special. You might not see me as special, but I am. God didn't allow me to go through all that I went through, all that I went through when I think about it, I be like, How? He didn't allow me to go through all that just to be some ordinary person. He gave me an assignment. This assignment is hard as hell, I ain't gonna lie. But he gave me an assignment, and I ain't backing down. So whoever don't like it, whoever don't like me telling my story, whoever don't like me telling my truth, whoever don't like my nose, whoever don't like my boundaries, all of them can go to hell, and that's just how I feel about it. Okay, that's right, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:13

I love that, I love that.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

Period, period. Well, ladies, do y'all have any last words, anything that you want to leave with people about healing, about about this childhood trauma? Because this this is a deep subject, and there's no way in the world we can cover this in in one hour. There's there's just no way, there's no way. We all have stories um that we can tell about things that happened to us in our childhood that can help a lot of different people, and but we we just we just don't have all the time in the world for it. So starting with Miss Vernita, do you have any last words, boo? And then while you when you get done with your last words, tell people where they can find you in your business.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:04

Um, my last words would be don't be afraid to tell your story. Um just think outside the box, it'll be fine. I can be found at Simply Made Customs1 on Instagram and TikTok and Facebook.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:24

Thank you. You're welcome. Miss Robin. Any last words?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:29

I would say, yes, I would just remind everybody, just a brief reminder. Like, yes, you went through that. Yes, it hurt, yes, it sucked, yes, it bruised your ego. Yes, you feel like you might not look quite the same in the mirror after going through all of that. However, you are not the sum total of what you've been through. You you are not what you've been through. That's a part of your story. So allow that to push you into purpose and not push you away from it. Um, I can be found at one to empower o-n-e, the number two, m-p-o-w-er.com or on IG.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:08

Thank you, Robin. Miss Jill Carta. You of course, honey.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:14

Miss Jokar. I would have to say, in in regards to the childhood trauma, um, you didn't deserve everything that you went through and experience, but you do not have to stay stuck there. As an adult, you do have a choice to turn that pain into power. Um, and you know, I can be found at the Jewel Carter on Instagram, Facebook, and The Mirror Speaks on TikTok.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:45

That's what's up. Thank you so much. And my final words is that I love you all. I do. We love you. You are just, you know what? God is so good. I said, God, you need to send me my try. I mean, they take too long, and then it just started trickling.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:05

But I kept saying, Okay, I'm about to have to do this by myself, God. Come on, no.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:10

Jesus girl, don't give me such a heavy assignment, and I yeah, but I love y'all.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:17

No, it's funny you said that. I literally just got done telling somebody all my friendships end up turning to me, turning into me being uh uh they're the person who carries that weight emotionally, coaching them. And I don't I don't get can I just get some can somebody pour into me too?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:37

Can somebody pour in my cup?

SPEAKER_01 1:05:39

So I'm so grateful for you ladies. Y'all have no idea. I love y'all down.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:45

Exactly. And I want I want to say this too, Vernita. I want you to get with Jewel. I want you to get with Jewel.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:53

Jewel take her information down. I probably will. I like her spirit. You know, I go off vibe.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:58

Right, yes. I'm So uh, but anyway, ladies, we're gonna check out of here, and I'm hoping and praying that somebody got something from this conversation, and you can reach out to any one of us, any one of us. Of course, I am on Facebook at Venus Chandler, on Instagram, the real Venus111, and on TikTok, Venus Chandler. You can reach out to us, and of course, my number, I have a business number and a website. My phone number is 330-696-2260. Or you can reach me um via email, info at kteimpact.org. Okay, you guys, thank y'all for joining me today. Yes, I'll see you again. Bye, ladies. I love y'all.