NO MORE FAMILY SECRETS: I FOUND MY VOICE

🎙️ Kouch Konversations with Venus Chandler

Episode Title: No More Family Secrets: I Finally Found My Voice
Guest: Charmaine Harper

Some stories are whispered for years. Others are buried beneath fear, shame, loyalty, and silence.

In this deeply moving episode of Kouch Konversations, Charmaine Harper courageously shares what it means to finally break free from the weight of family secrets. With remarkable honesty and strength, she opens up about the hidden pain, the emotional cost of staying silent, and the life-changing journey of reclaiming her voice.

This conversation is about more than one person's story. It's about the countless survivors who have been told to "keep it in the family," protect everyone else, or pretend nothing ever happened. Charmaine reminds us that healing begins where silence ends.

Together, Venus Chandler and Charmaine explore:

• The emotional toll of carrying family secrets.
• Why finding your voice is one of the most powerful acts of healing.
• Breaking generational cycles of silence and dysfunction.
• Navigating family relationships after speaking your truth.
• Choosing freedom, healing, and hope over shame and fear.
• Encouragement for anyone who is still afraid to tell their story.

If you've ever felt unheard, dismissed, or silenced, this episode is for you.

Your story matters.
Your voice matters.
And your healing matters.

This is more than a conversation; it's an invitation to believe that you can survive what tried to silence you and discover the freedom that comes with living in your truth.

 Watch, listen, and share with someone who needs the reminder that they are not alone.

Kouch Konversations is available on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, and other major podcast platforms.

#KouchKonversations #NoMoreFamilySecrets #IFinallyFoundMyVoice #CharmaineHarper #VenusChandler #SpeakYourTruth #BreakTheSilence #HealingJourney #TraumaRecovery #GenerationalHealing #MentalHealthAwareness #SurvivorStrong #HealingOutLoud #YourStoryMatters #HopeAndHealing

To reach out to Charmaine Harper

Phone: 234-706-8959

Email: Heartothehome10@gmail.com

AL Petrosino: Free classes to learn to protect yourself

Phone: 330-434-1611

Email: petrosinostreet@gmail.com

If you know someone who is being sexually abused call

RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline): 1-800-656-HOPE 4673

AVAILABLE 24/7, CONFIDENTIAL SUPPORT AND CAN CONNECT YOU WITH LOCAL SUPPORT

Your healing doesn’t happen in silence; it happens in conversation.

If this episode spoke to you, join us inside the community and continue the dialogue.

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 👉 Follow for more real, unfiltered conversations
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Because here… we don’t just talk about it.
 We do the work.

 💚 Interested in being a guest on Kouch Konversations?
We are always looking for powerful stories of resilience, healing, transformation, and triumph. Reach out to kintsugitransformations@yahoo.com for guest opportunities. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:03

But hey guys, hey, welcome back to Couch Conversations. Thank you for stopping in. Today we got a good show, y'all. And um, I'm gonna introduce my friend here. We are talking about no more family secrets, okay? So let me just give my little disclaimer to you all that are listening. Listen, um, there may be some things that is gonna be said today that may be triggering, okay? I am not a therapist, I am just a life coach, okay? So if you think that you'll be triggered by talking about um family traumas and things like that, I suggest you probably log off and maybe just take care, you know, take a listen at it a little bit later. But today I got a treat for y'all, and we are gonna be introducing today uh Miss Um Chaplain Charmaine Harper, or should I just call you Charmaine Harper? Charmaine. Okay, well, so you guys listen. Charmaine is a devoted wife, a loving mother, proud grandmother, and the heart behind a large blended family. She is the founder and CEO of Heart of the Home Foundation, a nonprofit organization she established back in 2010 to provide support, advocacy, and hope for women and children impacted by domestic violence. I love this. Today, the foundation is expanding its mission to also serve youth who are at risk of entering or transitioning out of the child welfare system, helping them to build brighter futures through guidance, resources, and compassionate support. Known for her servant's heart and unwavering commitment to others, Charmaine has been a giver since childhood. While she considers herself an introvert, me too, who prefers meaningful one-on-one connections over large crowds, she has faithfully answered God's call into the ministry, where she continues to encourage, uplift, and serve those in need with humility and grace. Outside of ministry and nonprofit leadership, Charmaine enjoys singing, dancing, cooking, journaling, watching movies, and spending quality time with her family. She is also passionate about songwriting and is currently working on her first book, where she hopes to inspire others through her faith, life experiences, and testimony. Charmaine's life is a reflection of compassion, resilience, and purpose. Through every season, she remains committed to creating safe spaces where healing begins, hope is restored, and lives are transformed. You guys, I want to introduce to you my friend, Miss Charmaine Harper. Hi, Miss Charmaine. Hi. How are you? I'm doing well. So I just want to say thank you for saying yes, you know, to the interview coming on and being a part of this segment right here, um, No More Family Secrets, because I'm gonna tell you something. People um are really afraid about telling their stories. They are really afraid of that. What made you say yes? It's just time for me to come and talk about um, you know, my family secrets or whatever it is that you want to share with us today.

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Um, it's time for it to be shared because sometimes generational things happen and people don't find out until years later. And the biggest concern that I have is in order for you to break those things, you need to speak up so that children can be protected. And if it's people that's adults, they need to be protected also.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

So, with that being said, what does the phrase no more family secrets mean to you personally?

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Um, personally, to me, it means breaking generational cycles, it also means healing, um just healing, but also being able to be able to overcome those battles that others have gone through so that the next set of um family members won't have to go through those things.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

You're right about that. And do you believe that um there was like a defining moment where you felt like, okay, these family secrets are they don't they're just causing more harm?

SPEAKER_01 4:41

They did for years. Um I broke free a few years back um because um of some situations that happened um in my life, and um it just I was approached and I was like, wait a minute, you know, and when they approached me, I had to break it down. I had told my mom years ago, but you know, she was doing her thing, she wasn't listening. But a few years back, she heard exactly what I was saying. Actually, it's been about six, about five years, four or five years. But you know, um, and she said, That's why you was acting like that. And sometimes we can carry anger and not realize it because of the hurts we've gone through continually, and even from childhood up to adulthood, and it doesn't feel good, but sometimes you don't even realize you operating like that until you start to get healed.

SPEAKER_02 5:39

Absolutely. So, what was it like when you finally told your mother, like, hey, this listen, this has happened, this has happened to me. What was that like?

SPEAKER_01 5:51

I mean, I felt freedom, you know, and I mean, we get along a lot better now. Yeah, you know, um, she just yeah, we get along a lot better now.

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Did how did she receive it though when you when you told it to her? Not initially, but the time when you said you believed that she really hurt you.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

This last time when I told her, I knew she heard me because the way she reacted, she said that's why you were so mean, Audio.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

Right. That's right, honey. It does change you. Yeah, yes, yes, yeah. So when when you told her though, when in that moment when you told her, what made you decide I'm about to say this again? I'm I'm about to tell this again.

SPEAKER_01 6:39

Um so I was being sexually molested as a little girl, and my stepfather, my mom's first husband, which is my brother's father who passed away, he was one of the perpetrators, but also another one of his relatives. One of his relatives is actually still living. And so he had told, you know, another one of my brother's relatives that he had me. And I said, no, he didn't have me, he molested me. And dude looked at me like, what? And I'm like, yeah, I said he's a child molester, you know. Don't put me out there like that when it's not the truth. If I had sex with you, that's one thing, but don't sit up there and lie and you know what I'm saying, try to make me have a bad name, right? And I had to tell my brother, which is actually their blood relative, because me and my brother have different fathers. And my brother felt some type of way, you know, because they waited till the guy that was supposed to be my dad passed away, and my first husband. So they didn't think I had anyone to protect me when they approach when he approached me. And so I felt free after that because I said he knows what he did, you know. So while he's trying to flip it, God knows the truth.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

And I've been free ever since. For a minute, I had anger, but then after that, I've seen him several times, and I look at him and I laugh, and I be like, Lord, you know, created me a clean and pure heart, renew within me a right spirit. Because if he doesn't have to suffer on this side, he will have to suffer on the other side, and that's the way I look at that because he has never apologized to me, and I am 48 years old.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

So, have you ever confronted this man? And if not, why?

SPEAKER_01 8:30

I have never confronted him because if I confront him, I don't think it will be anything nice. So I have to humble myself because I know me. If I approach him the way that I would want to approach him, I'm not using no words. And I'm gonna tell the truth because you already humiliated me once and I let it go. But as an adult, you try to humiliate me again.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

I know the feeling because um, you know, uh, every I think almost everybody I know knows my story, you know, the traumas that I suffered as a little girl. And I was not just molested by one person or one family member, I was molested by multiple people, multiple family members, and multiple boyfriends from my mother and my aunts. So um, you know, when I first started telling my story about, you know, what happened to me, because only thing people saw on the outside was this girl that was going around being promiscuous, bar hopping, man hopping, um, you know, doing all these crazy things, but nobody, not one time, ever stopped to say what happened to me, you know, and I never forget you it came to me like probably my late 40s. I was almost 50 when I said enough is enough. I I got to get this cancer out of me. Now, I'm gonna just tell you the truth. When uh my uncle was alive, I wanted to confront him. And the reason why I wanted to confront him is because he was one of the people I trusted the most. I loved him. I absolutely adored him. And when he violated me, I mean, it it took me aback. It took me aback. And even when I told, um, even when I told, I um, my aunt, she didn't believe me. She didn't believe me, she didn't get rid of him. He still was around and all that stuff. So, why do you think that some families protect um the person who caused the harm instead of the person who was harmed? Like, why do you think that that person all these years, you 48 years old? Why do you think that this man has been protected all this time, even from the time you first told your mother?

SPEAKER_01 10:58

I feel like um that it's a hush-hush thing. They don't want those types of things to be exposed, but it is out here, and unfortunately, a lot of people don't want to expose it. But the thing about it is you have to expose because we need to find out it was it had did it happen to them? Do they need mental help? You know what I'm saying? From what they went through, why are they feeling the need to be perpetrators as far as messing with children? Right, you know what I'm saying? And so that's the biggest thing with me. Why would you feel the need to mess with a child if you're oh and I mean, he's like 80 years old, so you know if I'm 48, you see what I'm saying? So that makes sense, it doesn't make sense, right?

SPEAKER_02 11:50

Well, I believe that the number one of the reasons why these uh sick people um go and mess with children is because and they don't just mess with just any children, they mess with children that they know is number one defenseless, number two, who feel some type of insecurity about themselves. Number three, where they know that that family, even if it if they did get caught, that who's gonna believe that person? Who's gonna believe her? You feel me? Because I can remember, like, I mean, I've always considered myself when I was little, always considered myself as a throwaway child. My mama, she walked out when I was a teen girl, left me with two of my with my brother and my sister. And um she went change, she went as far as changing her name, living under a whole nother identity, you know. So I felt like I always felt like I was just a throwaway child anyway. So who's who's gonna believe me? Who's gonna believe me, you know? And why would they believe me over these other people who they would they they absolutely loved? You know what I'm saying? And even after I I told finally told my aunt, I I told her this was for the second time, but I was an adult. When I confronted her and I told her about it again, shortly after that, she married him. She married my uncle, she married her husband. Yes, she did. Yes, she did. So I I I know, I I know that um even talking about it initially was very, very difficult. How old were you when you initially told your mother?

SPEAKER_01 13:31

I want to say I probably was like a young, a young adult. Like a young adult, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

I was a young adult.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

So when you first told her though, the initial time that you told her, I mean, what was her reaction?

SPEAKER_01 13:46

I don't believe you.

SPEAKER_02 13:47

Really?

SPEAKER_01 13:49

Yeah, but it was funny because my brother ended up in a situation and I never really said much. I was the shy type, you know, when it came time for that kind of stuff. So I never really, but you know, his situation was different. Mine, it was like, I don't believe you. And I don't know if she thought that because he said something happened to him that I was just saying that, but that's not the case. And then we found out years later, other generations that were over there, the same thing, you know, but it wasn't the same people. And the thing about that is um I thank God for me telling and teaching my children because my daughter told me, you know, as an adult, actually, she just told me a few weeks ago, Ma, I thank God for you. You dated different dudes, none of them tried anything with me, and I'm grateful for that because I taught my children. If somebody tried to do this to you, you tell me now something did happen to my daughter by another child, but it was not at my home. Yeah, you see what I'm saying? Because I taught my children and I talked to them. You see what I'm saying? So that that's a very big yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:10

So, how do you think that these family secrets have affected your identity and then how how it shaped your relationships with people? Because I like you just said, you know, you went through this, so you made sure this is something that you taught your daughter. I can remember me telling my kids.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

Yeah, I taught my parents also. Um, as far as relationships, um now when I had my daughter, I was 17, and it was rough because he broke up with me because I wouldn't get an abortion with her, so that was another type of hurt. You see what I'm saying? And so from there, going on and on and on, it just was hurt after hurt. But I started finding myself being more insecure, and I used to be very small, and so even when I had my daughter, people didn't believe I had a baby because I was still small, but then I had another daughter, and she was stillborn, so I started putting on the way because I had dudes that were they weren't physically abusive, you know what I'm saying? But I didn't really know how to receive the love because of the hurts that I had gone through. And so I went through a I went through a lot of relationships. Some of them I always say most of them were good relationships, they just were not the one for me, you know what I'm saying? Because I can't say they were all bad. Now I have had some bad relationships, they never physically touched me, but they verbally tried to mentally break me down. I had a few of those, but for the most part, most of the guys that I updated, most of them I can go back, you know what I'm saying? Hi, how you doing, but things of that nature, even my children's fathers. You see what I'm saying? Because I had to learn it wasn't them, it was me because of my insecurities. A lot of it was right.

SPEAKER_02 17:11

So you saying that you definitely saying that because of what you went through, is it shaped your your identity, it has made you who you were at that time, not to date, but at that time. No, whatever, yeah, yeah, right. Because I I know, like even with my children when they were growing up, they were not allowed to spend the night places. I didn't want my kids really like being alone in the room with other people, you know, uh unattended, because you know, kids are curious, you know, and especially you don't know what trauma this other kid has been through that they may come and introduce to your child, you your child, you know. So I had always told them, I said, listen, y'all can't spend a night nowhere, but y'all could they could definitely come over here and spend the night. But how do you think that um your trauma that what you went through, how do you think that it shaped your identity?

SPEAKER_01 18:07

It shaped my identity because number one, I have a little bit more, not a little bit, a lot more discernment. Number one. Number two, um I've learned to be able to just to be humble no matter what. Um it takes a lot for me to get angry, you know, whereas it used to be everything, I used to be, I used to get so mad because I used to be scary because of what I had gone through. And I used to get bullied a lot, and my mom made me start fighting. And so when I became a teenager, I would let stuff build up in me. And if you make me mad, you know what I'm saying? After so much buildup, I would just start swinging, you know, because I had so much anger, I didn't have self-control. And the Lord had to deal with me. I think I was about 19 or 20, my last fight. And he told me, he said, You either gonna kill them or you either gonna get killed. Wow, and so he started dealing with me, with my self-control and everything, you know, when it came back then. And I haven't had a fight since then, a physical fight, you know, because God has taught me. Now I will get angry, you know, and I might swing at the air sun to kind of let some air up, but I haven't physically had to lay hands on somebody, literally, you know, because I'm I've learned a lot more self-control, but I have to learn coping mechanisms for myself to help me. And when I feel people like that coming around me, I have to remove myself because if I don't, I know what'll try to come back up. So I don't even be around people who make me feel like that anymore. Because if anger builds up in me to where I feel like that, I already know what the outcome is gonna be. And it's not a good thing because I literally black out, right? Yeah, I don't I don't like that feeling.

SPEAKER_02 20:03

Yeah, yeah. I um I actually had to take anger management and I took anger management several times, but you know, it was that was way prior to telling my story. Once I was able to tell my story and get that cancer out, I was able to control my anger a lot more. Now people are like, mm, they don't know what to expect. Because, first of all, if I feel like you are going to unbalance my peace, I don't even let you in this space. I am very, very intentional about who I allow close to me. Very intentional, I never was that intentional. Because of the things that I went through, I lacked boundaries. I didn't have boundaries. I allowed people to do whatever they wanted to do to me, say whatever they wanted to say to me, I allowed people to use me, abuse me, including my own children. Okay. And a lot of it, especially with my kids, it was because it was, it was out of guilt, because, you know, not being the best mom. And I wasn't the best mom because of the things that I went through. I didn't know, you know, um how to fix myself. And even when I went to therapy, it was like um, you know, talking to these people, and it felt like the only thing that I was doing was talking. There were no solutions, you know. And I'm telling you, it was probably towards the end of my 40s, right before I uh started uh right before I wrote my book, my first book. And that's when God started dealing with me about about the situation. He was like, listen, you're gonna have to do something different, okay? You gotta do something different. So, and and I did, I started moving towards that. But let me ask you this um how do you begin healing? Um, especially when you have to still deal with these same people that either hurt you or allowed this hurt to happen.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

First of all, my biggest thing is learning to love yourself. When you learn to truly love yourself, like you said, with the boundaries, I even had to set boundaries with my mom because I used to be my mom's caregiver. And I still see my mom and everything, but once I started to set boundaries and stuff, um, I stopped working for my mom. Our relationship is better. I ended up meeting my second husband because my first husband had passed away. Once I started setting boundaries, he sent me another husband, which I had asked for because I do love, I loved being married. Um, not only that, but you have to take care of yourself. He had the Lord has me on a journey right now to where I was always taking care of everybody else. Back in 2022, I was right at 400, you know, and I've gotten all the way down to 334, and I've kept it all. And so I'm trying to lose more, you know what I'm saying? Um, I have some other internal issues that I'm finding out about myself, nothing major or anything, but I'm learning how to do better self-care, you know what I'm saying? I wasn't really into makeup and stuff. Now I'm selling Mary Kay and I'm wearing eyeliner and stuff. Yes. Trying to learn to take better care of me, not just mentally, but physically, emotionally, and financially. And that's the thing with me. I was so off balance because I was helping everyone else, including my children. And what I love about my husband that I have right now is he sets boundaries. He'd be like, babe, you need to sit down, you're doing too much. You tired. No, we're not doing that. And sometimes I get angry, but it's the truth. And I never had nobody to say, look, babe, you need to slow down, you need to sit down. You know what I'm saying? And I love that about him because he's making sure I am okay. And a lot of people don't like it. I have relatives right now that are blocked because every time I talk to them, my peace is gone. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not, I'm no longer doing that. So, you know, my relationship with my mom, I talk to her mostly every day. I talk to my brother on a regular, you know, but as far as, and I talk to my children, you know, but as far as all of that other foolishness, right?

SPEAKER_02 24:25

I'm not doing that no more. I'm not gonna do it. And it, you know what, people feel like, oh, that's my mom, that's my daughter, that's my cousin, that's my aunt, that you get to come in like anytime you want to undisturb my peace, and I'm supposed to be okay with it. Girl, let me tell you, my baby girl told me one time, and this is what where I made the hard pivot. I made the hard pivot and I made some hard choices. Um, my baby girl told me, she said, Mom, why every time somebody comes to you with an issue or a problem, why do you always have to make it your problem? And I was like, Oh, you know, that could, yeah, because my phone got cut off. Well, hold on, let me go get your phone. My electric is off. Well, hold on, you know, and she's like, you have got to stop. Yeah, yeah. And I started taking a look at myself with that. I was like, oh no, now, honey, it's a whole different story. And when I started telling people no, I wrote a whole book about it called The Power of Hell No. I have learned how to, yes, I did, honey. I learned how to tell people no, but lovingly. You know, if I don't want to do that, that's something I don't want to do, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it because it makes you happy, and that's how I used to be. That's who I was. But people think, yes, people, girl, I had that disease bad. I had it real bad. It's still something I struggle with because I I feel guilty. Well, I know let me take that back. That's a lie. I used to feel guilty when I told people no, but now I just feel like when it's people that I love and I care about, I'm like, oh gosh, but I get over it quick. It's it's nothing that really lingers. So it's you know, I'm a work in progress. I'm you know, hey, but I don't mind. I'll tell somebody no in a heartbeat before I tell them yes first. I sure will. I sure will. So listen, many survivors we all know struggle with this guilt about telling their story. Did you still struggle with that? Any type of guilt about telling your story at all?

SPEAKER_01 26:37

No, I don't feel any guilt. The reason why I don't feel guilt because it was not my fault. I was a child, and there was nothing that I could do to stop what happened. So therefore, now when I was younger, I used to feel guilty, but I haven't felt guilty in years about that because that was out of my control.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 26:59

It was something I could do nothing about except for tell.

SPEAKER_02 27:03

Yeah. Did you did y'all um did y'all uh parents or people in your the older people in your family tell y'all what's what goes on in this house, stays in this house?

SPEAKER_01 27:15

Not my mom. She really wasn't, yeah. My mom, she was so busy, she was doing her thing, so it was what nothing like that for her.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

Oh yeah. Well, what would you say to what would you say to somebody who tell you that, you know, listen, um Charmaine, I want to tell my story, but you know, my mom says, you know, what goes on in this house stays in this house. What would you tell that person?

SPEAKER_01 27:41

They need to go tell somebody because they need to start a healing um process, and it's different ways you can heal, you know. Um me, I'm into the music, but I also like water, you know what I'm saying? I like going to the lake or by the water. I just it just depends, you know, and whatever it is that can soothe you and help you to heal. Sometimes it's crying, hollering, screaming, whatever you need to do. You have to be able to do what you have to do so that you can be able to heal. Because holding all that anger in is slowly killing you faster than you need to be leaving here, and it's not worth it, it's not worth you leaving here early because of something else, something that someone else did to you. Right, what you don't need to hold that bitterness in, it was out of your control, it's not your fault. So forgive them, forgive them and keep going. Right, and that that's the way I look at it. You have to forgive because you're not forgiving them just for them, but you're forgiving them so you can keep your peace so your mind can stay right, so your heart can stay right. Because, like I said in the beginning, if they don't have to answer on this side, they'll have to answer on the other side. So it is what it is. Don't let nobody take your peace from you because of things that they've done.

SPEAKER_02 29:04

Let me get back on the forgiveness part. People, this is where people get it twisted too. Just because I forgive you don't mean that there's a reconciliation that's gonna happen. That don't mean that we become friends again. Forgiveness just means that listen, I forgive you, I'm giving you grace, but I'm born this way. And and that don't mean that you come this way with me, you know. And especially in in this situation, I have my aunt, or her husband was um one one of the people who molested me as a little girl. Um I I forgive her, even when I told, I forgive her that she did not protect me. But me and her, we will never have a relationship. We would we would just never have a relationship. When I see her, I'm cordial with her. I'm cordial. I'm never gonna disrespect, you know, or anything like that. Um, and then I give her grace too, because of some of the things that she's been through. And and and she was young, she didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to handle that. But on the same hand, you were still my aunt, and you were supposed to protect me, and you didn't, you know. So, like I said, I give her grace. I give her grace and I forgive her, but I just choose there do choose not to have a relate, there won't be a relationship, not ever, not ever. You know, and I do, I totally wish her will. So let me ask you this. Um, when it comes to your faith, because you know, we have the same father, right? Father God, when it comes to um your faith, how has that helped you when it comes to healing and forgiving people?

SPEAKER_01 30:52

Stand in the word. Stand in the word, and when I say stand in the word, I mean literally stand in the word. Um, number one, stand in the word can help um you forgive people, but it also can heal you, it can also help you boost up your confidence and your self-esteem when you feel like you're down in that slump, you know what I'm saying? Because we all go through those things, especially when we feel like we go here we go with this going through this thing again, you know. But you have to be able to keep your mind transformed so that way when you keep renewing it, you be like, Look, that was then, this is now, that's over. Look where I came from, look where I am now, you know. And once you realize you done came a long way and you still here, that means that you still have purpose. That means that you still God is not through with you yet, He's still breathing that life in your nostrils. So your assignment on this earth is not there. Somebody needs to be reached with that voice you have, whether it's through your song, whether it's through your testimony, whatever it is. So the word is what sustains me and always has.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

Yes. So, what do you think is some of the signs of trauma, unresolved trauma in people, especially like adults? What do you think some of the signs are? Because I can I can see them coming, honey.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

By the way, you have some of them, um, like you say, as far as promiscuity, you have some of them um that have like anger issues, you have some of them that have low self-esteem, or all of the above. You have some of them who um just downright, they they don't, they just don't don't. Um you have a lot of people because I've worked um with a lot of people since 2010. Um it's sad because I've had people that were just turning 18 coming out of foster care and stuff living with me. And the one young lady, I still consider her my daughter, but I had to let cut her loose. You know, she's been through a lot. When I say she went through a lot, she went through so much, and I feel bad for her, and I know she grew a little bit, but she's still doing some of the same stuff, and I I mean, she gotta want to help herself because I'm not her personal Jesus, right? But it's a lot of it's a lot of them out here that are like that, and I feel for them. All I can do is pray for them. Like sometimes I might ride by and see one of them or get a text from one of them. All I can do is pray for them because that I'm not their personal Jesus. They God gotta draw them in like He did me, because I remember when I was running from the call and I wasn't trying to hear nothing.

SPEAKER_00 33:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 33:47

I'm like, look, I believe you, God, I love you, God, but I'm about to do me. And I was I ain't gonna lie, it is what it is. I was doing me, right? Laid up and everything else. So I mean, you know, but all we can do is pray for them because if we've been there and we know where they are, we gotta pray for them. Pray, somebody had to pray for us to come out, so we gotta pray for them. That's right. Sometimes he might not want us to touch that, he might just want us to touch it with our prayers.

SPEAKER_02 34:17

That's right. So, what about the people who don't believe in God? Because in this business that we're in, Charmaine, unfortunately, not everybody believes in God. But do you do do that mean that we write them off? Do that mean that you know um that we we just ignore them? What about those people who don't believe in God or believe that there's a higher power?

SPEAKER_01 34:40

No, because you can show people by your lifestyle that you live. So even if they don't believe, you know what I'm saying, they can learn to believe, you know. I've been around those types of people too, and then I'd be around people to say they believe in God, but they also are into other things. So, you know, you just have to be able to just ask the Lord to help you, you know, how to deal with them and how to be able to show them love regardless. Because he said the love covers a multitude of sin, but it also will help people get healed, and that's the key thing. When you love on people, regardless of their nationality, their race, they creed, whatever, you can draw them in. Well, God can draw them in, but you can help them, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 35:24

Absolutely, absolutely, honey, absolutely, and especially if that person is assigned to you, they don't have to believe in that moment, not at all, you know. But when they're assigned to you, they're assigned to you, and that's it, and that's all. And it's sometimes I know there's been many, many of girls, you know, that I've I've assisted, you know, um, that I'm thinking that I thought, there's no way that this this little girl can be assigned to me. There's just no way, or that there's no way that this woman can be assigned to me. There's no way. She hateful, she cusses everybody out, she wants to fight. God will pull a you on you, isn't that so?

SPEAKER_01 36:15

That is something so um I say he always assigned to people that people don't want to be bothered with to me, and I'll be gonna be like, Really, God? Yeah, but then I had to think about myself like Charmaine, you know you was a trip. I was a girl, I was off the chain.

SPEAKER_02 36:33

Do you hear me? I was off the chain. I be I'll be asking God, I'm like, oh you were there, honey, because I should have been dead. Let me I'm telling you, I have done at some things and I have put myself in some very dangerous, dangerous situations, and it wasn't nothing but God that you know he don't he take care of fools.

SPEAKER_01 37:03

Look, and you're right, because I'ma say it like this. I was born and raised in Cleveland, and my mom came here my last year of high school, so you already know. Uh-huh. Man, it was so bad up there. We used to have riots outside the school. Really? Man.

SPEAKER_02 37:24

Now you know my husband, that's where he's from. That's where he's from. Cleveland. Uh-huh. Hold on one second. Oh my goodness. I wonder if this sorry about that. I think it cut off. Let me see. It might have. Hold on one second. Oh, okay. No, it didn't. But um, I'm sorry about that. Um, yeah, he's from Cleveland. And I forget what school he went to, but he said his school was off the chain. He said his school was off the chain.

SPEAKER_01 38:00

I went to John Adams until they had closed it down and was getting ready to tear it down to rebuild it. And then before I came here, I was going to Jane Adams. And then when I came here, I graduated from um East High. But John Adams, it was so bad over there that if you touch somebody's car, they had the police up there all the time, up there off 116th.

SPEAKER_02 38:23

I think that's where my husband went to school. I think that's where he went to school because he said they used to have wreck in the basement and they would have DJs and they'd be partying. And yeah, I think that's where he said, but I'm not really sure. I'm gonna have to ask him. But I'm you have my answer. What about you? That you went to school up in Cleveland. Yeah, my mom, all of us are from Cleveland, most of us. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

My mom moved back there, but yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:50

Wow. So, Charmaine, how do we break these generational cycles without becoming bitter, without uh becoming uh pissed off at the uh at our families, that these things happened? I was initially, I was pissed off. I ain't gonna tell you I'll tell you the truth for a long time, for a long time. But how do we go along now that we have spoken our truth? We have said, oh, this is this is what happened to me, and I'm not keeping no more secrets. And so, how do we break this generational curse or whatever you want to call it?

SPEAKER_01 39:28

By continuing to tell the truth, but also by teaching our children so that they can teach their children so that they can become aware that predators are out here and that we need to stand on the on the line and stand in the gap for them because who's gonna protect them if we don't? And so, with that being said, you know, and when they find out, or if anything happens, seek help immediately, you know, because a lot of times people, I don't need no counseling, I don't want to go to counseling. If you're holding in bitterness, anger, and rage and things of that nature, you need to go get you some help because they can teach you coping mechanisms to help you be able to. They're not just therapists, like I found out for myself. I like to paint. Yeah, I done got so mad a few times where I done painted two or three rooms. A matter of fact, three, I done painted the hour, I done painted my bedroom and another one of the rooms. So, you know, because I was angry, but that was a coping mechanism from me. I like to play the uh games on the phone, I like to do my crossword puzzles, find out what, and I love watching stuff that makes me laugh because I'm goofy, but but um you just have to find out you can enjoy yourself even though you have gone through things, and laughter is always good for us. Some people don't want to laugh. Why you walk around here mad at the world? They ain't do it too, you know what I'm saying? Get over that mess and enjoy your life because it is what it is, it happened, you can't change anything about it except for helping the next generations that come along after you to teach them so that they can be aware and understand these things do happen, so you need to be able to protect the best you can, right?

SPEAKER_02 41:22

And I used to ask God, why would you allow this to happen to me? You said you love me, and so why would you allow this to happen to me? When I finally got my answer, I didn't get my answer until a lot like when I was almost 50 years old, and God said, What better person for it to happen to? Somebody else would have broke, and I know people who did, I know people who did, somebody else would have gone crazy. But I gave this assignment to you. This is the assignment I gave to you because I knew you can handle it. Okay, and I'm like, wow. And it's the truth, and it is the truth, it's the truth, but I want to circle, I want to circle back to forgiveness real quick. This person um who violated you. Um has there been forgiveness and and and and what does that look like?

SPEAKER_01 42:17

Forgiveness for me is like you said, being cordial. I will not disrespect unless and I feel I'm being disrespected, but um I will speak, you know, I will smile, I will let them know I'm not bitter anymore, you know, because I laid that at God's feet and he's taking care of that. So, with that being said, that is no longer my burden to carry because I laid I laid it at God's feet. So he has to answer for his consequences. We all have choices to make, and I choose to forgive him. I laid it at God's feet, and that weight and burden is up off of me. I seen him a few times, you know. The first time when I seen him, I'm like, then I'm like, Lord, you know what? And I seen him several times after that, and I had to go to the word, Lord created me a clean and pure heart, renew within me a right spirit, oh Lord. Don't take your Holy Spirit from me. I haven't done anything like that to anybody, but I'm sure I've probably offended some people myself. Absolutely. So that's the way I look at that, and I have to keep going because nobody is perfect, but at the end of the day, that's something that I choose to do. I choose to forgive and keep it moving, yeah, you know, and it is what it is. You know, we all have choices. Some choices we make are wise, some are foolish. And in that situation, I feel like he made a foolish decision towards you know, so it is.

SPEAKER_02 43:46

What advice would you would would you even give to parents or grandparents or even people who are taking care of children about creating a safe space or a safe home? Um, for for kids that they're caring for.

SPEAKER_01 44:03

Talk to these children, let them know that they are special and that they have a safe space. Let them know that if these things are trying to occur or they do occur, that it's safe for them to let you know so that you can protect them. Because if not, they're gonna be afraid. See, my mom, she never told me, you know what I'm saying, or taught me about those things. But at the end of the day, I can't fault her because he was the one who threatened me. They were the ones who threatened me. You see what I'm saying? And so that was the thing. They threatened me. You see what I'm saying? So that's what made me not want to tell my mom or anyone else until I was older. You see what I'm saying? And so that that's the difference. No matter what these people say, you need to tell on them.

SPEAKER_02 44:57

That's right. I believe that all children um should be heard and that their voice, my voice was taken away when I was a young girl. Yeah, I was gonna say, and yours was as well. Listen, rather somebody wanna believe this. I'm gonna always my if one of my grandchildren come to me and say this was done to them, I'm gonna believe them. I'm gonna believe that's what they said until until I could until it's proven different. But I'm gonna believe, I'm gonna believe them. I'm gonna be a safe space for them to come, you know, and and tell me that this has happened to me, or any woman, or any girl. You know, it's safe over here. You can talk to me.

SPEAKER_01 45:42

People are so they're so perverted, it is ridiculous.

SPEAKER_02 45:46

It is. But they told us about this in the Bible, honey. It's not a surprise to me. I knew it was coming. You got teachers, you have teachers sleeping with their students, and I'm not talking about high school students, I'm talking about grown women, grown men sleeping with their elementary students, you know, and I think that if we do not open up our mouths and start really talking to our just we need to just listen, be straight with them. It is what it is, and be honest with them and let them know. You know, there's no we don't need to be beating around the bush no more about this thing. You know, it needs to be talked about. People always want to sweep this subject under the rug, and I don't, I'm gonna keep talking about it until I'm blowing the face. I know they say, oh, you you you 60 years old and you still talking about your childhood trauma. I'm talking about it because I want to educate, not that it it doesn't, it doesn't bother me anymore. I could talk about it whenever, however, with whoever. It doesn't bother me anymore. And the effects of trauma from that trauma is gonna always be a part of my life, but it's it depends on how I want to carry myself. Now I was carrying myself like a crazy fool at one time, but then I decided, you know, especially with God, so sort of kind of saying you better do something different, girl, you know, that I don't operate that no that way no more. And I I'm learning along the way. I'm learning along the way. My voice was taken at one time, and I it it I would never allow anybody else to come and take my voice from me. Not ever, not ever. So if somebody was watching today and is still living with a family member or a family secret, I should say, what is what is the what is some advice that you would give to them?

SPEAKER_01 47:45

They need to speak up and they need to go ahead so that they can be healed and they can be delivered.

SPEAKER_02 47:54

But what's the first what's the first step? What's the first step that you would say if if somebody came to you today and said, Miss Charmaine, this is happening to me, or this has happened to me, and I don't know what to do. What would be the first step that you would give them? From a child, from a child.

SPEAKER_01 48:13

From and it's somebody in a house, yeah. Or anybody, or anybody somebody, somebody need to be called or something. We know no wrong conversation right there. They done messed up getting me in that because we going straight to talk to somebody and it's a period, it's what you call it supervisors or something.

SPEAKER_02 48:38

You say oh, we're going to talk to somebody, yeah, because we not doing that, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:43

And they need to go to the hospital so that they can check them and everything, depending on where they work. Yeah, and they can file a report because yes, you said we're going to tell.

SPEAKER_02 48:56

Yeah. I know um I've had like several people come to me, girls and women who come to me and say, This happened to me, what do I do? And the first thing I always tell them is to talk to somebody they think that or they feel like they can really trust, you know, to get this out. And when it comes to a child, you're right. A child but not come over here talking about this is happening to me. I could be all wrong, but honey, people are gonna be involved.

SPEAKER_00 49:30

Say, for instance, like tell the police, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:36

But then if this is but if this is happening, I always encourage anybody to go and tell somebody. You need to tell somebody that's where it needs to start. That's the first step. You don't have to keep this secret, you know. And if somebody's saying, Well, I you know, you did I'ma kill your mama, like I used to tell my kids, you don't have to worry about um if they're talking about they're gonna kill me for uh you telling, they have to worry about me killing them for putting their hands on you, so you don't have to worry about me, I can handle myself. Okay, but that's what I told my children. That's what I told my children. So let me ask you this too. So what legacy do you um hope? Uh oh, I'm sorry, I apologize. What legacy do you hope that you can leave behind for your children, for your grandchildren? Now that you've gotten your voice back, you've gotten your power back, you've spoken up about what's happened to you, and you know, and you are you in the process of healing.

SPEAKER_01 50:41

So make sure they speak up so that they'll be able to tell it, so that just tell the truth, you know. And if these things are happening, just keep telling on them. Yeah, because somebody somewhere got to stop this foolishness.

SPEAKER_02 50:54

It's gotta stop. It's just it just has to stop. It really has to stop. And um, you know what? I would love to see the look at the statistics again, too, because I remember I used to study the statistics. The statistics was alarming, and I gotta admit that I have not studied the statistics probably in the last five years because my uh not that my focus has changed so much away from um this subject, but just that I have moved on to other things in reference to helping women heal and you know, helping them to find their voice and things like that. But it's definitely um gotta stop. And I'm noticing too that there are a lot more people who are who are speaking up, you know, and I'm proud about that. I'm proud about that. I want to um I want to ask you too about your nonprofit, and I want you to speak a little bit about what your nonprofit is about.

SPEAKER_01 52:03

So, Heart of the Home, when we first started in 2010, we were helping people, um, actually, like I said, that was coming out of CSB, but they didn't, they weren't no longer in CSV, and I had a few of them stay with me. Um, I've helped like women like live with me that needed to be able to get their children back, or they were young, you know, like 17 eight, and a family member had custody of one, they were pregnant, and so um CSB had to come do an inspection for them to stay with me for them to be able to bring the baby they were pregnant with home from the hospital. Um it's a lot, and then um I've had a lot of people live with me, and after I got married this time, I was like, nah, because it was too much, you know. Um, and so I'm trying to actually get this property that I'm in fixed so that I can start housing people again, but I actually have um a resource to where um women that have been battered or their children or sex trafficked or anything of that nature. I have a gentleman whose name is um Al. He's on Cuyahoga Falls Avenue, and um he's willing to put them in his program to teach women and their children self-defense. Um, I lined up a few people, but they didn't ever show up or call him. But he can grant, they won't have to pay for it. He can get grants for them to be able to come and he will teach self-defense and things of that nature to them and their children if they have children, you know. So there are programs out here, you know. I can give resources as far as those of them who um until I can get them housed again, like as far as like 211 with the utilities and things of that nature. Um, we've given away clothes, we've given away Easter baskets at CSB this year, a few of them. I have a picture with that for Mother's Day. Um, I didn't take pictures, but we gave away a few baskets and things of that nature. I have one lady, um, I just found out she actually just had her baby on the 4th of July. So I'm getting ready to do a basket for her, you know. So it's just different stuff. We get donations as far as like clothes. Sometimes we get like food, different stuff, you know. Now we're trying to do like the personal hygiene and things of that nature, also. So it's amazing. Yeah, and also like um, I'm gonna see if I can get bus tickets donated for people who don't have cars, but they have like to get to and from work or to get like to appointments and stuff and don't have a way to get there.

SPEAKER_02 54:54

I love I love all that. When uh we get off, make sure you text me Al's information and any other um resources that you have, make sure you text that to me so I can put it in this podcast, and people can, you know, go to that, go to the podcast, you know, the description section, and they'll be able to get that information off because that's that's very, very, very important. Um, before we go, I want to read this. Um, this is something that I posted today, and um this is one reason why um um well, just listen at this. So listen, sometimes telling your story or hearing someone else tell theirs can be very, very uncomfortable, especially when the story involves family or even our own children. But here's the truth: you cannot stop someone, you cannot stop someone from telling their story or speaking their truth. Their story is told through their own lived experiences, their own perceptions, and the impact, um, and the impact those experiences had on their life. So now let me be clear. I am not talking about spreading blatant lies or intentionally trying to destroy someone's character, because people will do that. I'm talking about people who have survived real pain, real trauma, and real life experiences. As someone who has endured profound trauma, I know that um healing often begins when when we finally find the courage to give our our pain of our pain a voice. No one gets to decide when, no one gets to decide how or if a survivor is allowed to tell their story. At the same time, I also believe there is room for grace. Some people caused harm because they were trapped in generational cycles. They never learned how to break. Some simply don't know any better. That doesn't erase the pain they cause, but understanding and accountability can still exist in the same space. And remember this: if people wanted a different part in your story, they should have played a different role. Your story belongs to you, your healing belongs to you, and no one has the right to silence either of us. I wanted to read that because I want people to understand that your story is your story, and you have a right to tell it. Period. And I'm gonna reiterate this to people out there because this goes for me too. My stuff, my kids have a story about me, you know, but I can't say that's not true or whatever, because it's their perception. But just like I said, that telling blatant lies on people, that's one thing. But if this is your perception, if this is how you perceived it, this is your truth, it's your truth. I can't fight you on that. The only thing that I can do is take responsibility and accountability for my part in that story and say that I apologize. Okay, but I'm gonna reiterate this so people will understand this. If you want a different part in someone's story, you should play a different role. If it's your job to protect, then that's what you should do. If you failed to protect like my aunts did, like my mom did, like the people that was around me did, listen, it happened. You failed to protect me. And I'm not saying that I hate you, I'm saying that I forgive you and that there's grace there because I get it. I get it, you know, the same way I will ask my own children, you know, to please forgive me and give me grace because I was young and I didn't know any better, you know. But when you learn better, you do better and you teach better. So, Miss Germain, where can people find you if they want to reach out to you and talk to you and say, hey, I I I gotta I want to talk about this?

SPEAKER_01 59:28

Um, they can call me at 234-706-8959, or they can email me at Heart of the Home, H-E-A-R-T O-F-T-H-E, H O M E 10 at Gmail.com.

SPEAKER_02 59:47

Okay. Make sure that you um give me that information in the text. I can put it in the description so people um could um reach out to you. So again, I just want to thank you for coming on, for telling your story, for telling your truth. I love it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, and letting people understand that you know that you you you have a voice. You have a voice. Use it, use it. So God bless you and God bless your you and your mom's relationship. I'm glad that it's getting stronger. I'm glad to, you know, even be associated with you. I'm proud of the woman that you've become, and you know, I I can't wait to, you know, be able to get to to know you a lot better. So thank you for coming on. You are so welcome. All right, you guys, until the next time. Bye. Bye.