OAK Assertiveness Training Course Degree 1: Stop Apologizing For Your Existence

Assertiveness isn't actually about being loud or forceful; in fact, the very first step toward finding your voice doesn't involve speaking at all, according to Joe Bandel's OAK Assertiveness Training. Most of us jump straight to the conflict, but Bandel argues that Degree 1 is really about identifying that internal spark—that quiet yes or no—before someone else’s expectations have a chance to overwrite it. It’s this idea of becoming perceptible to yourself before you try to be perceptible to the world.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Assertiveness isn't actually about being loud or forceful. In fact, the very first step toward finding your voice doesn't involve speaking at all, according to Joe Bandel's OAK Assertiveness Training. Most of us jump straight to the conflict, but Bandel argues that degree one is really about identifying that internal spark, that quiet yes or no, before someone else's expectations have a chance to override it. It's this idea of becoming perceptible to yourself before you try to be perceptible to the world.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

That distinction is vital because we often mistake assertiveness for aggression. If you look at the psychological literature, like a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, researchers found that the act of standing by your position, even something as simple as refusing to apologize when you haven't actually done something wrong, can significantly boost self-esteem and feelings of control. Bandel's course taps into that by starting with the notice, name, allow, express movement. You aren't fighting yet. You're just learning to acknowledge that you have a preference in the first place.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

It sounds almost like a form of internal mindfulness. Instead of just reacting to what a partner or a boss wants, you pause to see what's happening inside. He calls it notice, name, allow, and express. But I wonder, for someone who is a chronic people pleaser, doesn't allowing a feeling exist without judging it feel like a massive hurdle? The instinct is usually to suppress it immediately because having a different opinion feels dangerous.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

It feels dangerous because many people unconsciously equate kindness with compliance. Bandel points out this first blind spot, the confusion between empathy and agreement. You can understand exactly why your friend wants to go to that specific restaurant and still not want to go there yourself. The course frames this through three movements: expansion, containment, and exchange. Expansion is just admitting I have something here. Containment is holding that feeling long enough to identify it, and exchange is letting your reality meet theirs without one of you having to disappear.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

That disappearing part is a powerful way to put it. It's that feeling of self-abandonment where you just melt into whatever the other person wants to keep the peace. But Bandel says peace isn't silence. He points to the body as the early warning system. Before your brain even knows you're annoyed, your shoulders might be up by your ears, or you might feel a sudden wave of fatigue. He suggests we just notice these signals before we even try to justify them.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

Exactly. Research by R. B. Zeance at the University of Michigan has shown that emotional responses, or affect, often occur way faster than cognitive ones. We have these gut feelings or physical reactions before we've even processed the facts. In degree one, the practice is to sit with that data. Three times a day, for a week, you just ask, what is actually true for me right now? And identify if it's a want, a need, or a preference. No action, just reconnecting the wires to your own signal.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

I like that there's no immediate pressure to act. It makes the threshold lower. But eventually he moves into what he calls micro expressions, which are like these tiny acts of sovereignty. Instead of the default whatever you want, you say, I'd prefer the other one. It seems like low stakes training for the bigger boundaries later.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

Those low stakes are essential. A study from Reichmann University found that when people say, I have no preference to appear easy-going, it actually makes the decision-making process harder for the other person and often leads to a less enjoyable experience for everyone. So being assertive by stating a small preference, like which movie to watch, is actually a gift to the relationship. It removes the guesswork.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

It shifts the dynamic from a one-sided burden to a shared reality, but then we hit the big one in degree one. The clean number Bandel is very specific that a clean no doesn't need a courtroom argument or ten reasons. It's just no, that doesn't work for me. And then, this is the hard part. You just stop talking.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

The silence is the exercise. We usually fill that silence with apologies or excuses because we're trying to manage the other person's disappointment. But Bandel argues that your task isn't to control their response, it's to remain present and accurate. This is what he calls the reciprocal test. Can you allow their disappointment to exist without surrendering your own reality?

SPEAKER_01 4:06

It's a tough shift because we're taught that if we disappoint someone, we've done something wrong. But if you're just stating a boundary, you haven't committed a crime. You're just existing. He describes this as loving duality, two people being fully present even when they disagree. It's not about winning, it's about not disappearing.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

That leads into the completion markers for degree one. You know you're ready for degree two when you can distinguish discomfort from actual danger. For a lot of us, someone being unhappy with us feels like a survival threat. Learning to tolerate that minor disagreement without apologizing for your existence is the ultimate goal here. You're becoming perceptible to yourself first.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

It's about building that internal foundation. You can't negotiate or lead or handle complex conflict if you don't even know where you stand on the small things. The course starts at the first spark because that's where the power actually comes from. The ability to appear clearly in the presence of another person.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

And it reminds us that assertiveness is a skill of presence, not dominance. It's the difference between saying, I am here, and saying, you shouldn't be here. By the end of degree one, the student realizes they don't need permission to have a preference. They might not get their way every time, but they no longer lose themselves in the process.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

It's a foundational shift in how we relate to ourselves and others. If this perspective on reclaiming your own signals resonated with you, consider sharing this episode with someone who might benefit from finding their own first spark.