Stupid Criminals

Ready for a wild parade of bad ideas? We dive into the most baffling, hilarious true-crime blunders—schemes so flimsy they practically turned on their hazard lights. From a personal check made out for $360 billion to a robber who thoughtfully redeposited the cash at the ATM, every story spotlights a universal truth: when ego outruns basic planning, gravity does the rest.

We walk through a fugitive who applied for a job at the sheriff’s office, a bank thief who tried the same branch two days in a row, and a home invader who accepted payment by personal check. Then it gets even bolder: a would-be robber choosing a karate studio as a target, lottery ticket bandits returning to the exact store they hit to claim winnings, and an ATM heist that left the car’s bumper—and license plate—behind. Toss in a cash-register tape that literally led police to a suspect’s door, a baseball bat waved inside a gun shop, and two masterminds who used permanent markers as “masks,” and you’ve got a masterclass in unforced errors.

Between laughs, we pull out the patterns that matter. Banks train tellers to flag anomalies. Warrants don’t forget. Cameras, transaction logs, and license plates create overlapping trails. When plans depend on no one noticing the obvious, they implode. These tales offer more than comic relief; they’re a lesson in attention, foresight, and how systems quietly work together to surface the truth. If you love true crime with sharp humor and clear takeaways, this one delivers.

Hit play, share your pick for the dumbest caper of the bunch, and tell us what lesson you’d steal for everyday life. If you’re enjoying the show, follow, rate, and leave a quick review—it helps more curious listeners find us.

Transcript

Welcome, Theme, And Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Well, hello there, little creepy. You know what time it is? Time for another episode. Hopefully you have plenty of diapers on hand. You're going to need them this one.

Why Stupid Crimes Captivate

Billy’s $360 Billion Check

Fugitive Applies At Sheriff’s Office

Robbing The Same Bank Twice

Home Invasion Paid By Check

Karate Studio Robbery Fail

Lottery Tickets That Snitched

Trooper Station “Motel” Stop

Robbing Your Own Bank Account

ATM Theft Loses A Bumper

Cash Register Paper Trail

Bat Versus Gun Store

Leave Your Number For Arrest

Permanent Marker “Disguises”

Wrap Up And Website CTA

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Well, hello, my little creepies. It is I, the Master of Creep. Tonight's episode is called Stupid Criminals. I started diving into the world of stupid criminals because it's funny. And I don't really feel that bad for making fun of stupid people who decide to break the law. Now in most cases, I'm not going to use their real name or their location because I don't really want to make their life any worse than it already is. However, I am truly amazed at the stupidity of their plan and actions. I do plan an ongoing series of these kinds of true crime stories, so this is the first of many to come. Let's jump right in. Billy Robinson steals a check. Billy had dreams of becoming a recording mogul. His plan was to start a music recording company and sign up several top rappers and make a ton of money. He perceived his biggest obstacle was the fact that he was completely broke and he couldn't afford the down payment on a free lunch. However, his real problem was he was a complete moron. Why, if he had another brain, it would be pretty lonely. One thing that Billy had going for him was the fact that he was pretty easy to look at and he attracted a girlfriend. Now his girlfriend's mother owned her own business and was considered pretty smart. The sad fact is just about everyone, including their pets, was smarter than Billy though. And Billy's girlfriend still lived at home, and one day, while visiting her, he noticed her mom's checkbook sitting on the table. Why, this was his big chance to make all of his dreams come true. Billy stole the check out of the checkbook and he headed toward the bank. His plan was to simply write himself a check and cash it at the bank. What could possibly go wrong? Billy started adding up all of the things that he thought he needed to start his recording studio. He made the check out to himself and he headed toward the bank. Now the alert bank teller immediately suspected that there was something wrong with the check. Perhaps it was the ten zeros on a personal check that tipped her off. Yes, Billy in his infinite wisdom wrote the check out for a whopping three hundred and sixty billion dollars with a B. Well I guess the thought of this might be too much never entered his microscopic brain. And as it turns out, just the weight alone would be pretty hard for Billy to handle, since three hundred and sixty billion dollars in one hundred dollar bills would weigh approximately seven million nine hundred thirty-six thousand five hundred and sixty pounds. And perhaps he was a little greedy, but of course he was arrested for forgery. Just looking for a job. Sandra Timberman was looking for work when she ran across a posted job at the sheriff's office, and the starting pay was twenty-two dollars an hour, which seemed to be a pretty good deal. And the job required you to be able to type and use a simple spreadsheet. Wow, I can do that, thought Sandra. Ordinarily, this would not be a stupid criminal story except for one thing. Sandra was a fugitive. The sheriff was already looking for her because she had several active warrants. She made their job super easy by simply walking into their office. Now her job would have included keeping track of active warrants, but it seems that she failed to keep track of her own. I titled this next crime as Let's Try That Again. Sammy Black robbed the Fountain Valley Chase Bank, and he got away with a large amount of money. He gave the tiller a note about having a gun. So I'm sure that Sammy thought this was an easy way to get rich. Maybe it was a little too easy because he went back to the same bank the very next day and tried to rob it again. Well, as soon as he walked through the door, employees recognized him and alerted the police. By the time Sammy made his way to the teller's window, the police were already there. As you can guess, he was caught and arrested. And it turns out they had several other warrants because of previous robbery convictions. I've heard of criminals returning to the scene of the crime, but this is ridiculous. Do you accept checks? A home invasion went south when Carlos broke into a home and demanded the owner give him cash. He made the homeowner drive to his bank to withdraw money from the ATM machine. The problem was the homeowner had only$90 in his account because he had recently paid all of his monthly bills. Carlos was super pissed off about this and he ordered the homeowner to drive back to home. Carlos said, I didn't break into your house for a measly 80 bucks. You better do better than that. And the homeowner said, Well, I do have another online account, but I don't have a debit card for it. Can I write you a check if you promise to leave me alone? And Carlos agreed, and the homeowner took out a check from his car's glove box and wrote Carlos a check for eight hundred and fifty dollars. And then he dropped Carlos off at a convenience store. Carlos said, If you put a stop payment on this check, I'll be back. Well, the homeowner called the police and reported the crime. But about a month later, the homeowner noticed that Carlos, who seemed to be a few tacos short of a combination plate, actually deposited the check into his bank account. The police were alerted again, and it didn't take much detective work to figure out where Carlos lived. He was arrested the next day. Our next stupid criminal is labeled Get a Kick Out of Crime. Bernard Wilson had the bright idea of walking into a karate studio and robbing them. Bernard, who seemed to be a couple of beers short of a six-pack, was immediately met with a full can of whipass. I wonder if you knew what karate meant. This is one of those times when a criminal is happy to see the police arrive. His robbery attempt netted him zero dollars. If only Bernard had shared his plan with someone who actually had half a brain, he could have avoided this. Why, if brains were dynamite, he wouldn't be able to blow his hat off. The next stupid crime is called Lucky Scratch Offs Identify Crooks. It was Jim Peterson and Jose Benilla who learned the hard way after breaking into a convenience store in Texas. They entered the store from the back door and immediately walked behind the checkout counter and took several packs of$10 and$20 Texas lottery scratch-off tickets. Each pack contained 100 tickets. They also stole a couple of cases of beer. The videotape showed the pair with their faces covered with ski masks. It was obvious that they knew exactly what to go for and what to grab. All in all, they were in and out of the store in less than three minutes. Even though the alarm sounded, by the time the police arrived, they were gone. It seems that these two geniuses spent the entire night getting drunk and scratching tickets and finding winners. After working feverishly for hours, they had collected more than three thousand two hundred dollars in winning tickets. Since neither one of the two had an ounce of brains, they decided to return to the store the very next morning to collect their winnings. The store manager told them it would take about twenty minutes to cash in all the tickets, and in the meantime, the police were called and the crime was solved. The next crime is called Being Able to Read Has Its Advantages. It was 5 15 in the morning and Mitchell Peterson had been driving for hours. He had been visiting a nearby town where he spent the entire night burglarizing businesses after they had closed for the evening. His car was full of his ill-gained profits, including beer, merchandise, watches, and cash from cash registers. On his way back home he decided to stop at a small motel and spend the night. He got into an argument with the motel clerk because there were no rooms to rent. Mitchell just wouldn't take no for an answer and continued to harass the motel clerk. Well, the problem was that it was not a motel clerk, it was a state trooper. And he didn't stop at a motel. He had stopped at a state trooper station. They gave him a room for the night, alright, without a checkout time. He was charged with DUI, and in the process of booking him in, they searched his car, which was parked in front of the state trooper station, and that's where they discovered all of the stolen loot. The next crime, a bank customer robs his own bank. Robert Williams decided to rob a bank, and for some unknown reason, he decided to rob his own bank. He handed the teller a note and got away with a large amount of money. Well, there's really nothing new or strange about robbing a bank, but this genius stopped at the ATM machine on the way out and redeposited the money into his own account. You see, that's what happens when cousins marry. Well, this case pretty much solved itself. The next crime? Car parts pointing to the guilty thieves. Why, this happened in the UK where three criminals had the bright idea of stealing an ATM machine. They cased out a location where the ATM was stationed on the outside of a store. These three stooges wrapped a chain around the machine and attached it to their bumper. The idea was to drag the ATM machine around to the back of the store and then cut it open with a blowtorch. Well, the ATM was bolted into the ground, and when they tried to yank it off its base, it ripped the car's bumper off the back of the car. In the heat of the moment, they didn't realize that their bumper, with the car's license plate still attached, was left at the scene of the crime. So these three morons were quickly caught. Paper Trail catches stupid criminal. This crook wins the award for the dumbest crook in the century. Dave Baskins lived next door to a small shopping center in South Carolina. He decided to break in and steal cash from a cash register at a local fish and chips restaurant. Well the problem was he wasn't much smarter than Fishbait. He waited until the restaurant closed and then he broke into the back door and stole the cash register. I guess he didn't notice that the cash register's tape got caught on something and was rolling a paper trail behind him. The paper trail continued to unroll all the way out the back door to his apartment's front door about fifty feet away. So when the police arrived, all they had to do was follow the trail of paper, and they found Dave still trying to break into the cash register. Robbing a gun store with a baseball bat. Yes, as stupid as that sounds, it happened. D Mosley decided to rob a gun store armed with only a baseball bat. Well of course the owner pulled out one of his mini guns and held D until the police arrived. How stupid do you have to be to even think that this was going to work? Here's my phone number. Ruben decided to rob a muffler shop. He pulled out a gun and he told the staff to fill up the bag. The employees told Ruben that most of the money is locked in the safe and could only be opened by the manager, and the manager wasn't scheduled to arrive for several more hours. Ruben, being the mental giant that he was, gave them his phone number and told them to call him when the manager arrived. So, as you can imagine, he was caught and arrested. And now it's time for the last stupid crime. I call it the worst disguise ever. Joey and Matthew decided to go on a robbing tour. They didn't use a mask or hood, but instead they drew all over their face with permanent markers. Well, a permanent marker is very hard to wash off, which is the reason that it's called a permanent marker. And this left the men extremely easy to identify. Kind of like a turd in a punch bowl. Back at the police station, these two were nicknamed as Dumb and Dumber. Well that's it for this week, my little creepies. Once again, thanks for tuning in. We'll see you next week. You know, we do have a website, creepradio.com. Oh, you can hear this episode there. And you can watch other episodes. Yes, you should watch.