The Leaders Who Shaped You

Nobody taught you to lead. You absorbed it.

From the leaders who came before you, the ones who inspired you, the ones who let you down, the ones whose habits you quietly took on without ever choosing to. You are carrying all of it into every room you lead in.

In this episode we explore where your leadership really came from, what you inherited that is genuinely yours to keep and what you absorbed that was never yours at all. Because seeing yourself clearly as a leader means being honest about what shaped you. And deciding, perhaps for the first time, who you actually want to be.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Lead with heart. Live with purpose. I'm Desley Williams, leadership and life coach and reflective guide for women who want to grow with clarity and courage. This is a space where leadership and life come together, grounded in values, alignment, and the freedom to evolve. I'm so glad you're here. Let's begin. I want you to think about this statement for a moment. Nobody sat you down and taught you how to lead. Most of us stepped into leadership roles without any real preparation for the human part of it. I have spoken about this before, where we're pointed into leadership because we're really good at the work and the job that we were originally hired to do. And because of that, often other leaders looked at us as a person to be promoted, appointed, or asked to take on some leadership role. And then you were doing your job that you've always done, you've felt really competent at and you're thriving, and suddenly you've stepped out of that role and you're now leading people. And often this is for the first time, with very little guidance about what that actually requires of you. And when we don't have this manual or support to be a leader, or that guidance into mentoring, what we do is we look around us and we watch the leaders above us. We notice what seemed to work and what did not. And we absorb the culture we were placed in. And often without even realizing it, we have developed a way of leading based off what we've observed, what we've experienced, the culture of where we're at, and sometimes from previous jobs or employment that we've had. So my question around this is whose way is it that you are leading? And how much of how you lead today is a conscious choice? How much of it did you actively decide with that overall question? This is how I want to show up, this is the kind of leader I want to be. And how much of how I show up and how I lead has been absorbed from what has been modeled around me. For better, for worse, and long before I've even had that self-awareness to choose the way that I want to lead. Thank you so much for joining me again. We are now in what I call the see yourself arc, the place where you look at yourself as a leader. In today's episode, it's one that I think will land somewhere personal for most of you. Because we're talking about leaders who shaped you, the ones who came before you, the ones you learned from, whether you meant to or not. And we're asking a really honest question today. What did you inherit that is genuinely yours to keep? And what absorbed into you that was never really you at all? So, in other words, in your leadership, what is really true for you, and what have you taken on that is not you and does not sit well with you. So let's talk about how we absorb leadership and the psychology behind that. There is a concept in psychology called modeling. This is an idea that we learn by observing and internalizing the behavior of others, particularly when those others have power or authority over us. So if we think back to our childhood, we possibly did this as children, watching our parents, we did this in our own schooling life, watching what our teachers did, if you're in a sports team, learning that social interaction, maybe how your coach coached you, and of course, how we engage in society, there is a modelled way of being, and we feel like perhaps that's how we have to be within community, and we also do that in our workplace, watching our leaders, and this could be about watching how they treat people, what they walk past, how they show up. So the thing about modeling though is that it's largely unconscious. You don't sit down and go, okay, right, I'm going to copy my manager's communication style, and I'm going to copy the way that my direct report or my manager handles conflict. You don't sit down and go, right, now what did they do? It just happens over time through repeated exposure and experience of that. So it's through the slow accumulation of watching how these things are done in an environment. And here's what makes this particularly significant for leaders. The habits you absorbed are not neutral. Now I talk about values all of the time, and I truly believe that your values represent how you show up as a leader. But the habits you're absorbing from others, they also have values attached. They have beliefs about what good leadership looks like, assumptions about how people should be treated, how decisions should be made, and how authority should be held. Now, some of those beliefs or some of those values will absolutely align with you and they will serve you well. However, some of them will not. To ask yourself some questions about where they came from, and then decide consciously and deliberately whether you want to keep them. Remember, I believe that a true leader sits in a place of curiosity, and so it's time to get curious about yourself. I want you to think about the leaders who have most shaped how you lead today. This is not about the ones that you have admired the most, this is the ones who have left the deepest mark, the biggest imprint, or perhaps the biggest memory for you, whether that is good, neutral, or negative. So for some of you, you're going to have a leader who has inspired you, who's believed in you before you believed in yourself, who showed you what it looked like to lead with both strength and humanity. And it's a presence of a person that you still carry with you, whose voice you can sometimes hear when you're in a difficult moment and you need to know what the right thing to do is. You might sit back and go, I know exactly what to do in this moment, or you might ask yourself, now what would that person have done in this situation? And used that alongside your values to guide that. So they may have been more of a manager or an authoritarian than somebody who was an inspiring leader. This is someone who taught you through their example exactly the kind of leader that you do not want to be. We often say, oh my gosh, I would never want to lead how that person does, and that's a really great reflection to consider and think about. However, both of these leaders have shaped you, and they both deserve your attention because there is something that I've noticed in women or with the woman that I coach and work with. The leaders who inspired us, we often underestimate how much we are still trying to be them, still measuring ourselves against their standard. Now, this is different from what I was just talking about, where you might be sitting in a moment and reflect back to how they possibly would have worked through a situation. This is when we're really still holding ourselves to be a carbon copy of them. We're still leading in the way they led. Maybe the contexts are different and the teams are different. And maybe you're in circumstances that they could not have been, it could not have been anticipated, or and as I said, sometimes that inheritance serves us beautifully and meets us and supports us, and sometimes it keeps us from developing from our own way. So this is when I'm talking about you're trying to be that person, and you stop yourself from really stepping into your own sense of leadership in a place of curiosity, a place of examining your values, and a place of examining what feels right for you. And the leaders who fell short. We often underestimate how much of their leadership we absorbed despite how much we didn't want to. The way they handled pressure, the way they responded to challenge, the way they also held or avoided difficult conversations. We watched it happen and we told ourselves I will never do that. However, you're human, you're a human person. And as we said, psychology tells us that modeling plays a huge part in what we do ourselves. And so perhaps one day you find yourself under pressure, you're really tired, you're stretched, and then we hear the words come out of our mouth, or we feel ourselves making the same choice they made, and we're really shocked about it, and we're feeling really disappointed in ourselves. This isn't about failing. This is what absorption looks like, and the fact that you notice it is the beginning of something really important. So let's talk about what you inherited that is worth keeping and building on. So not everything you absorb needs to be examined and discarded. Some of it, as I said, was genuinely really good. And some of the leadership that was modeled around you was wise and human and heart-centered, and it feels right for you. And you were really fortunate to have it modeled to you and to have a close experience of that. So I want to ask you to think about that as well. Not just what needs to change, but what is worth keeping. Think about the leader who showed you something true. Maybe it was the way that they gave their full attention to someone who needed it. Maybe it's the way they handled a mistake, maybe their own mistake or somebody else's. Perhaps they handled that with accountability and compassion for others and for themselves. Maybe they had a way of making sure that everyone in the room felt like they mattered. For some, maybe it's just the consistency of that centered leadership that you felt every time you were in the presence. The fact that you knew who you were going to get each day. So those things are really worth naming, and I would absolutely claim those. They're worth carrying deliberately rather than accidentally. Because there is a difference between leading the way you were led because you've never thought about it, and leading the way you lead because you looked at it and honestly decided, yes, this is something that I want to embrace, embody in my leadership, and that I want to pass on to others. So this is something that I'm going to keep. This is conscious leadership. And it's the beginning of a legacy that is actually yours. And then there's the other side. What was never yours to keep? The things that you've absorbed, the belief that a leader should always have the answer, that having uncertainty is a form of weakness, that asking for help undermines your authority, that people will see you different. Where did those thoughts come from? Did you choose it? Or did you absorb it from a culture that rewarded certainty and it was unsafe to be really vulnerable and honest? Maybe it's the habit of managing from a slight distance, of being professional rather than personal, of keeping your emotions out of the room, even when your humanity was exactly what was needed. So when I talk about that, absolutely, as a leader, you need to remain professional. However, there is a line between being vulnerable and transparent and showing up with human emotion rather than wearing that manager hat and separating the human from the work when actually you need to bring the human first. So did you then make a decision that you would always remain professional rather than have a personal side? So obviously, my slogan is lead with heart and live with purpose. So leading professionally but with heart. Did you absorb it from leaders who believed that the job required a certain kind of performance? So performing and holding that firmness rather than softness when needed. The tendency to take on more than was then is sustainable. Is there someone that you were led by who absorbed the pressure, who held anxiety, who make sure that nobody else felt the weight of the tasks that you had and maybe they carried it all? Do you consciously choose to lead that way? Or did you learn it from watching someone you admired do it? So maybe you are, maybe you're somebody who says yes to everything, and you hold all of that pressure because you believe that you need to as the leader. These are not character flaws, they are inheritances that you have brought on. And you can examine this without condemning the person who left it to you. The leaders who shaped you were doing their best. Most of them were working with what they had been given, leading the way that they had been led, carrying their own inheritance and their own model stories from leaders who came before them. But you have something they may not have had. You have the opportunity to look at it clearly to decide what you want to carry forward and what you want to put down that was never really yours. So I want you to sit with three questions. So question one. Who is the leader who most absorbed? Not necessarily who you admired most, but who left a mark on you and how you actually lead today? What did they do that you still do? What did they believe that you still believe even if you've never said it out loud? So question two What is the one thing you inherited from your leadership experience that you are most proud to carry? The thing you want the people you lead to one day say they learned from you and question three What is the one thing you absorbed that you know honestly remain curious with this that is not serving you or your team? Remember this is not a character flaw, but an inheritance of modelling. Something that maybe made sense in another context for another person in another time, but that you have been carrying without choosing to. And what would it mean to put that down, to no longer have that as part of your leadership makeup. I know that seeing yourself clearly as a leader is not always comfortable work. I am constantly re-looking, readjusting, reevaluating, and staying in a place of curiosity about my leadership. And so this requires us to look at ourselves with honesty. And you have to give yourself compassion to stay in the room with what you find or what might surface. So part of that honesty is recognizing that you did not arrive at your leadership style alone. You were shaped by people, by cultures, by experience, by leaders who were themselves shaped by those who came before them. Understanding that does not excuse it, but it does make it easier to look at. Because when you can see where something came from, you then can decide what you want to do with it. You can choose to keep it because perhaps it's really genuinely good. You can honor the leaders who showed you something really true and to carry their best forward into the rooms that you lead in as well. And you can also choose to put down what was never yours, to lead from your own values, your own voice, and your own honest knowing of who you are and what you stand for. And this is part of the see yourself work that I talk about in leadership. And it begins exactly with this: being willing to look at where you've come from, what you believe, and then making the decision of where you're going to go. So if today's episode has opened something for you, if those three questions are sitting with you and you want to do this work properly, perhaps in a small group of women who understand exactly what you carry, I want to tell you about the whole leader. This is an eight-session leadership program when we move through the full journey together. Knowing yourself, seeing yourself, and leading your people from that place. I offer this as two options: an intensive weekend with weeks following, or just one night a week for eight weeks. So if you are interested in that on Instagram, message me the word whole and I will chat to you about that. As my website is still being updated, I'm unable to link you there right now. But let's have a conversation about whether that is the right fit for you. Thank you so much for being here. If this conversation has resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need this. And if you're ready to explore your own leadership and alignment more deeply, you can contact me through Desley Williams Coaching. You'll find all the details in the show notes. Until next time, lead with heart and live with purpose and trust the season that you're in.