Calibrated Leadership: What Your Team Actually Needs From You

When did you last ask your team what they actually need from you?

 Not what you think they need. Not what you have been giving them. What they actually need, right now, in this season of their growth, in this particular challenge they are facing.

 Most leaders give their team what they are most comfortable giving. Or what worked for them when they were in the same role. Or what they have always given because nobody ever questioned whether it was still the right response.

 In this episode I introduce a simple but powerful framework for reading your team more clearly the Calibrated Leadership. Does the person in front of you need training, mentoring, or coaching? The response that feels most natural to you is not always the one they need. And getting this right changes everything

Ready to go deeper? If this episode has named something real for you, I would love to support you. I offer 1:1 coaching and individual leadership programmes. 

Download the free guide Before You Lead at desleywilliams.co.nz/start-here

Or join the waitlist for the Whole Leadership Programme 

You can find me at https://www.instagram.com/desleywilliamscoaching/

or www.desleywilliams.co.nz

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Lead with heart. Live with purpose. I'm Desley Williams, leadership and life coach, and reflective guide for women who want to grow with clarity and courage. This is a space where leadership and life come together, grounded in values, alignment, and the freedom to evolve. I'm so glad you're here. Let's begin. When did you last ask your team what they actually needed from you? Now I'm not talking about when you're having a formal check-in or an informal conversation or at a performance review where everyone says what they think they're supposed to say, and what do you need from me? I'm asking about when you sat with genuine curiosity, with no agenda, and really asked individually, what do you actually need from me? And this is a question that I'm asking more when I walk into rooms with leaders, and I understand that the answer I get more often than not is some kind of version of this. I ask it all the re all the time, as in what do you need from me when they've set a goal or they've set some actions, but in the context that you're talking about, no, not really. I haven't asked that question. And I understand this because most leaders are giving to their team with what they believe is genuine care, attention, investment, and they're really trying to be supportive. There is a difference though between giving your team what you are most comfortable giving and giving them what they actually need. And this difference matters enormously. Thank you for joining me again in Lead with Heart, Live with Purpose. It has been some time between episodes, and I appreciate you returning and taking the time to re-engage with this podcast. And today I'm starting to talk about the different arc than I have been speaking about, and Desley Williams coaching has three arcs, and the middle one is see yourself. And today we're turning the lens outward from looking honestly at yourself to looking honestly at the people you lead. Because seeing your team clearly, really seeing them, reading what they actually need rather than assuming is one of the most important skills that you as a leader can develop. And today I want to talk to you about a framework that I have been working on and I use in my own leadership. And it's the work that I have done with women that I coach, and I call it calibrated leadership. You are calibrating yourself as a leader, and by the end of this episode, I want you to be able to look at someone on your team and ask a better question than what should I do here? I want you to be able to ask what does this person actually need from me right now. Let's talk about a default response. And this is where most leaders lead from, and it's something that you do when perhaps a team member comes to you with a problem, a challenge, a gap in knowledge, or a question they cannot answer. A leader will often give them what they would have wanted in the same situation, which sounds reasonable, makes sense. This could even be quite empathetic of the leader of you, but it's actually one of the most common reasons leaders miss what their team really needs. Because you as the leader are not your team member. You don't have their history, you don't have their experience level, you don't always know their confidence, and you don't know their particular relationship or preconceived ideas that they might have around this particular kind of challenge. What would have helped you in that situation is not automatically what will help them. So as a leader, we can often tend to default to the response that we are most comfortable giving. Some leaders, for example, are natural teachers. When someone comes to them with a problem, they explain it, they walk through the answer, show them how it's done, this feels helpful, and it is helpful. Sometimes, but not always. So you need to coach and mentor. Well, there's also training and mentoring and coaching are two different things. So we need to address that. And the calibrated leadership is a simple framework that I have used together by pulling lots of different people's knowledge, and it helps you read what someone actually needs from you in a given moment. And there's three different kinds of needs, and these three different kinds of needs have different responses, but the one question underneath them all does not change. It is what does this person need from me right now? Now I'm going to name the three areas of this framework. So it's training, mentoring, and coaching. Because training, mentoring, and coaching are three different needs. Training is real hands-on. When someone needs training, they need to learn how to do something. They do not have that skill set yet, the knowledge, they might not know the process, and therefore they need to be shown. This is the most straightforward need to identify and often the most straightforward really to meet. You show them, you walk them through it, you give them the information or the demonstration that they need, and you check for understanding and you follow up. Training is appropriate when someone is new to a task, when they are being asked to do something that they have not done before. Now we must be careful that when we know someone has transferable skills or that they may have done a similar task before, to not assume that they don't need training. Perhaps somebody takes time more than once to be shown something as well. So this is where there's a clear skill or knowledge gap that could be getting in the way. And where leaders go wrong with training is whether giving someone training when they already know how to do the thing, and what they actually need is permission or confidence, or you withhold training because you assume that person should already know, and neither of those serves the person in front of you. The second part of that framework is mentoring. So this is head using your knowledge. So when someone needs mentoring, they need your perspective, your experience, your honest view from where you stand. This isn't about teaching them a skill, it's about helping them to think. It's about sharing what you learned from your own experience that might be useful to them. About offering a longer view when they're caught in the middle of something and they cannot see clearly. Mentoring is appropriate when someone has a skill but they're struggling to make judgment. Perhaps they're navigating something complex and they need someone who's been through something similar to help them make sense of it. Now, sometimes as a leader, you might not have great experience in the particular situation that your team member's coming to you with. So this would be a time where you would be honest about that and perhaps seek out the person who has had good experience in that particular situation and allowing your team member to spend time with that other person. And remembering that you're not always the person that might have the right answer or the right perspective there. So where leaders go wrong with mentoring is quite often they can make it about themselves, and mentoring slides into like a storytelling situation, and the focus shifts from the person in front of you to you or the leader sharing about their own experience. So real mentoring is generous with your experience, but it needs to be of service to the other person. I say that coaching is something that's really heartfelt. So when someone needs coaching, they do not need your answer, they need to find their own. Particularly leaders who are competent and experienced and genuinely want to help. Because coaching requires you to hold back what you know and ask questions instead, to sit with someone's uncertainty without rushing to solve it, and really knowing that you can trust the person in front of you has the capacity to work this out if you give them the right conditions. So coaching is appropriate when someone has both the skill and the experience, but is stuck. When the barrier is not knowledge or judgment, but something more internal, perhaps confidence, clarity, belief in themselves. So when you give them the answer, this would deprive them of growth that comes from finding this. So where leaders go wrong with coaching is either avoiding it entirely because it can be seen as the slower way or the less immediately satisfying way by then just telling them what to do, or applying it when someone genuinely just needs to be shown. Coaching someone who needs training is not empowering, it's frustrating. So you may be sitting with how do you know which response is needed? How do you read the situation clearly enough to give someone what they actually need rather than what comes naturally to you? So there are three questions that I find most useful. Question one, do they know how? So this is when you sit with, has a person been shown how to do this? Do they have the knowledge and the skill? If the honest answer is no, or perhaps not fully, or I know this person needs to have repetition of an experience to fully understand or to ingrain that training, then yes, training is likely what they need, not a coaching conversation, not hearing your mentoring perspective, but showing them. Actually training and teaching them. Question two have they faced this before? Or have they faced something like this before? If they have the skill but in navigating something complex or unfamiliar, a difficult conversation, a new level of responsibility, a situation that requires judgment they do not yet have, then your experience may genuinely be useful. This is where mentoring would serve them. But be honest with yourself about whether your experience is actually relevant, or whether someone else is best to share their experience and support this person through the mentoring part of this situation, or whether you're sharing it because it feels really good to be useful to this person. So the test here is does this serve them? Question three, do they actually already know the answer? So this is the most important question and one that leaders often skip. So before you advise, before you share your experience, before you tell them what to do, ask. Try some of these particular questions. What do you think? And pause. What have you already tried? And pause. What is your instinct here? And pause. Now when I say pause, often when a person is coming to you and they need coaching, because it could be an internal experience that they're having, and such as lacking in confidence, you can often find it uncomfortable if they take some time to answer. So that is why I add the pause. So you will be surprised how often the person in front of you actually already knows. They're not stuck on the answer, they're stuck on the confidence in the answer, or on the permission to act, or the belief that their view is worth trusting. And it's in those moments that the most powerful thing you can do is not give them the answer, it's to help them trust theirs. So I want to paint a picture of what it looks like when a leader reads their team well. When you have moved in and you've developed the habit of asking what someone actually needs before deciding what to give them. So it does not require a long conversation, it does not require you to get out a tick box, and yes, I have created this framework for you to build the skills and have the training of how to recognize what your team needs, but it's actually more about a moment of genuine attention for yourself before a response. It looks like a leader who pauses before stepping in, who resists the pull to fix immediately. It's the leader who asks one question, What do you need from me here? And actually waits for the answer. It looks like a leader whose team know they'll be heard before they're advised, who trust that their leader will not project an answer onto them before understanding what they're actually facing. It looks like a team where people feel genuinely developed, not managed, not just supported, but actually able to grow. Because the leader is then responding to where they are and not where you as a leader assume they should be. And it looks like a leader who has done enough of their own self-awareness work to know what their default response is. Who knows whether they are most comfortable training, mentoring, or coaching? And it's a leader who deliberately takes time to widen their range because their team needs more from them than just one response. So that is the leader that I'm describing. A leader that can switch training, mentoring, and coaching based on the needs of their team. And the individuals within it. And you're not going to be perfect, and you're not always going to get it right. But you're somebody who genuinely. You're calibrated, leading in a way that actually meets people where they are. So before I finish off today's podcast or conversation, I want to come back to the question that I opened with. When did you last ask your team what they actually needed? Not in that review, not in that formal or informal setting, but in the everyday, just a real honest one-to-one conversation with sit with someone when they've come to you and said, I want to make sure I'm giving you what you actually need. What would help you most right now? Now I know that as a leader, sometimes asking this question can take courage because A, the answer might reveal a gap. Maybe it might show that you've been given too much of your experience when actually that's not what's needed. Or perhaps you're asking too many questions, and the person really just needs you to show you, really needs you to show them how to do something. And sometimes that can be uncomfortable. But it's in this the beginning part of this leadership. It's about leadership that develops people rather than just managing them. And it's leadership that leaves people better than you found them. So when I say that, it's about developing other people to grow. It requires you as a leader to sit a in a place of curiosity about yourself, where your default might be, what assumptions you might be making, and a place of curiosity about what this person might actually need. It's about being calibrated. It's about training, mentoring, and coaching. Now there's not going to be one response for every situation. It's about the right response for that particular person or team member in that moment with that particular need. And this is what it means to lead your people well. And I guess it really starts with being willing to ask. So before I close off today, there's two things that I want to talk to you about. If today's episode has created curiosity in you about the calibrated leadership framework, and it's something that you want to explore further, then this is the kind of work that we do in the whole leader program that I run, which is an eight-session leadership program. It's a small group of women where we work through the three arches of know yourself, see yourself, and lead yourself. So you can DM me the word whole on Instagram or visit my website and we can talk about whether this is the right fit for you. And if you are just at the beginning of your leadership journey and you want to know more about the first part of know yourself, I have a beautiful values free guide and then a values workshop as well. But you can go to my website and download the free guide. And my website is desliewilliams.co.ced and I will link this in the show notes. If this conversation has resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need this. And if you're ready to explore your own leadership and alignment more deeply, you can contact me through Desley Williams Coaching. You'll find all the details in the show notes. Until next time, lead with heart and live with purpose and trust the season that you're in.