5 divorce mistakes I see women making – and what to do instead

If you're going through separation or divorce right now, this episode is for you. After seven years running Women's Divorce Academy and walking alongside over 800 women, I've seen the same 5 mistakes come up again and again – not because women aren't smart or capable, but because nobody tells them this stuff. In this episode I name each one clearly, explain why it happens, and share exactly what to do instead.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Getting independent legal advice early – even just one consultation – can change everything.
• Keeping things 'nice' is not the same as keeping things functional. You're allowed to have needs in this process.
• Equal and fair are not the same thing. 50/50 is not automatically the right outcome.
• Rushing to settle can cost you. Taking time to understand your situation leads to better decisions.
• Children are not primarily damaged by separation – they're damaged by sustained conflict. Having at least one stable, loving parent is what matters most.

RESEARCH MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

• Amato, P.R. & Keith, B. (1991). Parental divorce and the well-being of children: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 110(1), 26–46.
• Arcangeli et al. (2024). Does Time Heal All Wounds? Journal of Happiness Studies. University of South Australia & University of Adelaide. doi.org/10.1007/s10902-024-00853-5
• Clark & Georgellis, Kingston University London — 20-year longitudinal study, 10,000 participants.

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Transcript

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I've been running Women's Divorce Academy for seven years now, and in that time I've worked with over 800 women going through separation and divorce. In that time, I've seen the same five mistakes come up over and over again. That's not because these women aren't capable. They are, but it's because nobody tells you this stuff before you need it. You're not supposed to be good at divorce. Today I'm naming all five mistakes: what they are, why they happen, and what you can do to avoid them. This is Divorce with Carolyn. Let's get started. I'm Carolyn Tate, founder of Women's Divorce Academy, and your guide to turning your divorce into the best thing that ever happened to you. This is Divorce with Carolyn. If you're going through separation or divorce right now, this episode is for you. And if you're not yet but you're thinking about it, this is especially for you. I want to talk today about five mistakes that I see women making over and over again that make an already hard process even harder. Not as a criticism, but because I see it, I want to fix it, I want to make life easier for you. Because nobody tells you this stuff, and when you're in the middle of it, it's almost impossible to see clearly. And that happens to all of us. I've been running Women's Divorce Academy for seven years now, and in that time, I've walked alongside over 800 women through separation and divorce and onto something spectacular on the other side. I've interviewed countless lawyers, psychologists, financial advisors, and other experts as part of my work as a lifestyle journalist. And I've been through divorce myself twice. I grew up watching my mother disadvantaged by divorce, and I experienced that disadvantage myself. That's why I do this work, because I will do everything I can to make sure other women don't have to go through what my mother went through, what I went through, without the information and support they deserve. It's still a man's world out there when it comes to divorce, and I do not hate men by any stretch, but I want to see women armed with the information they need to do as well as they can. So today I'm sharing five things I wish I could tell every woman before she makes these mistakes. Mistake number one, taking legal advice from your ex. This is the one that gets me the most. It comes up all the time. And I understand why it happens. When you first separate, there's often a part of you that wants to believe it's going to be civilized, that you can work it out between you and that your ex is being really reasonable. Now, this might be true. Maybe your ex is reasonable, maybe they're a good person, but your ex most of the time is not a lawyer. And if they are a lawyer, that's even more reason to lawyer up. Because even a well-meaning ex is consciously or not looking out for their own interests first. I've spoken to so many women inside Women's Divorce Academy who were told by their ex that 50-50 was the only option, that they weren't entitled to any of his superannuation or his business, that the house had to be sold immediately, that this was just how it worked. And they believed it because he said it with such confidence and they didn't know any different. And, you know, you don't assume that the person that you've shared your life with is trying to rip you off. And look, like I said before, they're probably not. But your ex telling you what's fair in your divorce is a little bit like giving a fox the keys to the hen house, you know. Um, they might have good intentions, they might not, but they're definitely not playing for your side first. Here's what I would love women to do instead: get independent legal advice as early as you possibly can. It doesn't have to be expensive and it doesn't have to be ongoing. Even a single consultation puts you in a completely different position where you have the information you need to make an informed choice. Knowledge is power, and in this process, it can also be quite a lot of money. Mistake number two, making it your responsibility to keep things nice. This one is so common and it runs so deep for women, and it makes me furious because it's used against us all the time. Many of the women I work with have spent years and sometimes decades managing the emotional temperature of their relationship and their household. They keep the peace, they absorb conflict, they soften their own needs so that everything stays comfortable. And when separation happens, they keep doing it because it's what they know, because they're worried about the kids, because they don't want to be seen as difficult. So they respond to every message immediately, even the hostile ones. They agree to things they're not comfortable with because the alternative feels confrontational and like they're causing trouble. They take responsibility for how their ex is feeling, how their ex is coping, how their ex is managing. And in doing all of that, they run themselves into the ground. I want to be clear, I'm not saying be aggressive, although sometimes that can be warranted. And I'm not saying manufacture conflict. But there is a real difference between keeping things functional and keeping things nice. And the pursuit of nice often costs women enormously. Here's what you can do instead. Shift your goal. The goal is not nice, it's workable. What does workable look like for you? It might mean communicating in writing where possible so there's a record and so that you have time to think before you respond. It might mean not responding to messages late at night when your nervous system is already depleted. It might mean getting clear on what you actually need, not what keeps everyone else comfortable. It might be saying no to swapping the kids' time on the weekend because you had already made plans. You're allowed to have needs in this process. You are allowed to take up space, and looking after yourself is not the same as being difficult. And if your ex says it is, they're trying to manipulate you into doing what they want. That suits them well. But this is no longer about being their best friend. This is about being your best friend. Mistake number three: thinking 50-50 is a fair split. I touched on this earlier, but this is a big one, and it costs women so much. It sounds really reasonable, right? Of course 50-50 is fair. Split everything down the middle. What could be more equal than that? Especially if you've got an ex, you know, telling you that that's what's fair. But equal and fair are not the same thing. Property settlement takes into account so much more than who earned what. It looks at contributions, both financial and non-financial. So if you spent years out of the workforce or working part-time to raise children, that's a really important contribution. If you were running the household while your ex was progressing their career, that's a significant contribution. It also looks at future earning capacity. So if your ability to earn has been affected by the choices you made during the marriage, maybe to support your partner, to support your children, that's really important. It also looks at superannuation. It looks at what a just and equitable outcome actually looks like for both people, given their specific circumstances. One woman I spoke to recently in Tadar membership was told by her ex that she wasn't entitled to any of his super, and she believed him because he told her that he was trying to be fair. So she agreed to that and walked away, leaving hundreds of thousands of dollars on the table. I've spoken to women in the past who accepted a straight 50-50 split on everything because it felt fair and reasonable, when in reality they were entitled to significantly more because their ex was going on to earn so much more than they were. Here's what to do instead. Do not agree to any sort of split. Assets, super, anything, before you've spoken to a family lawyer about your specific circumstances. I cannot stress this enough. And I'm not a lawyer, so I'm not telling you what to do, but please at least have that conversation. What your ex tells you about what's fair is not legal advice. Your situation is your situation, and you deserve to understand it fully before you agree to anything. What happened in your sister's divorce, what happened in your friend's divorce, in your boss's divorce, in a divorce you read about online, or what a calculation says on an online app, don't take any of them as gospel. Please, please, please get advice on your specific situation. It is so unique and it's really important that you are armed with the information. And then whatever you decide to agree to is entirely up to you. No judgment. If you want to go easy and still agree to 50-50, that's fine. But please go in armed with knowledge and know what you're agreeing to. Mistake number four, rushing to get it over and done with. And sometimes your ex might also apply enormous pressure to settle quickly, telling you that that's what has to happen. Sometimes because they really want it resolved, and sometimes because a quick settlement suits them. Often, if your ex has moved on, I see this all the time too, with somebody else, maybe they've got a new partner, they just want to get things done so they can move on. It suits them, doesn't mean it's the right thing for you. The result is women agreeing to things before they've had time to think clearly, before they've had time to have proper advice, before they even know what they need moving forward and what that life looks like. And you know, those emotions are really high, right? At that time. And we all know it's not the best to make a decision while you're feeling so emotional. And some of these decisions, once they're done, you can't undo them. You get one bite of this financial separation cherry, and it's a really important one that can have a big impact on your life over the coming years. Here's what I've seen over the past seven years. The women who take the time to get proper advice, to understand their situation, to make considered decisions, even when that process is slower and feels harder, almost always end up in a better position than the women who rushed through it. And more than that, they feel better about where they land because they know they made informed choices and this is about is and the outcome is about as good as they were going to get. Now, I'm not going to say drag it out indefinitely. There are real reasons to get your property settlement done within a reasonable time. There are legal time limits, and the longer things are unresolved, the more complicated they can become. Also, your mental health is more important than anything else. And if this separation is causing you to have a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety, perhaps depression, first I would say please go and see a mental health professional and have support in that department. Talk to your family, talk to your friends, make sure that you're supported. Nothing is worth your mental health. But also, if you can just step back and take a breather, that can be helpful too. There is a significant difference between moving at a sensible pace and being pressured into decisions you're not ready to make. Here's what to do instead. Take the time you need to get proper advice and understand your situation. If your ex is pushing to settle quickly, that pressure in itself is helpful information. Getting it done and getting it right are not the same thing, and there is no prize for finishing fastest. And mistake number five is thinking divorce is going to damage your children. This one is really close to my heart because I am a child of divorce and I have three children as well. And I hear it all the time. I was speaking with a coaching client just this week who said she's so worried about how her children will come through this divorce. And she's worried about being apart from her children, you know, for half the time. And I see the weight that this creates on women. We are the nurturers, right? We are the ones that care for our kids. And the fear that by separating and by ostensibly choosing your own happiness here, um, and by ending something that isn't working, that feeling that you're doing irreparable harm to the people you love most is really visceral. I understand that fear completely. I'm going to lean on some data here because I could tell you that every week I speak to women whose children are happier after divorce as well. But this is what research actually tells us. Children are not damaged by the fact that their parents are separating. What they are damaged by is sustained conflict between parents. A meta-analysis that compared children from high conflict intact families with children from divorced families found that children living in a high conflict home scored lower on measures of psychological adjustment and self-esteem than children whose parents had separated. Just think about that for a moment. Oh hi, I'm interrupting this podcast to ask you a quick favour. If this episode resonates with you, if you find something useful about it, would you mind sharing it with a friend who might need it right now? Sometimes the right conversation finds us at exactly the right moment, and it can really help. You can also follow divorce with Caroline wherever you listen, and if you have two spare minutes, a review would mean the world. It helps other women find this show when they need it most. Thank you. That's going to with the episode. It's not the divorce that's the problem, it's the conflict. And I think when we look historically at quote-unquote children from broken homes sort of damage, divorce often came after a long period of conflict. And also people were ostracized by divorce in the past much more than they are now. It wasn't an accepted part of life. And I think what we have today is that divorce is pretty standard. It's pretty normal. A lot of kids have parents who are going through it or have been through it. My kids have lots of friends whose parents are divorced. It's not a big deal socially like it used to be. And that's not to say it's not stressful, and that's not to say it's not hard on both you and the children and the family. But being a child of divorce is not socially a big deal. What's more important is the way that we handle it. The thing that children need most is at least one stable, present, loving carer. A mother who is staying in something that is making her miserable in the belief that it's protecting her children is often not able to be that parent. I know for me in my marriage, where we had two children together, there wasn't conflict in that relationship that they saw, but what they did see was a pretty icy environment. We were detached, we were disengaged, my ex-husband and I. And I didn't want my children growing up looking at that relationship and thinking that's what love looks like. So for me, it was about wanting more for myself, but also wanting more for my children and knowing that things went beyond the damage that could be done during that divorce. It was about the damage being done by staying in that relationship. I know from my own experience that my children both think that it's hilarious that I was ever married to their dad because we're really different people and they can't imagine us together now because when we got divorced, they were quite young. But also, I'm now in a relationship that is much healthier in its expression of love and partnership and commitment. And it's something that I'm very happy and grateful for my children to grow up around because that's the sort of relationship I want them to see. It's the sort of relationship that I want them to aspire to. And I also want them to see a mother who expects more for herself. I want them to see parents who ask for more, who want to be loved and appreciated, and who can communicate their needs to each other in a safe and loving environment. It's really important to me to model that for them. So here's what you can do instead of making that mistake. Focus on being that stable, calm presence, that carer for your children. Communicate with them honestly and in an age-appropriate way. But don't put them in the middle. But model what it looks like to make hard decisions with courage and with dignity and with optimism that things will get better. And trust that children are more resilient than we think they are, particularly when they have a parent who is doing the work to be well and present and grounded. And you might just surprise yourself also by finding that you have a closer relationship with your kids after divorce than you did before, because you get that intimacy and that one-on-one time, and you don't have to compromise on the way that you're parenting them. So there they are. Five mistakes that I see women make. Not because they're careless or uninformed, but because they're doing their best in an overwhelming situation without the information that they need. You're not supposed to be an expert at divorce. Hopefully you only go through it once, maybe twice, if you're me. So let's recap those five mistakes. One, about taking legal advice from your ex. Two, making it your responsibility to keep things nice. Three, thinking 50-50 is a fair deal. Four, rushing to get it over and done with. And five, thinking divorce will damage your children. Every single one of those comes from a good place. I know. Wanting to be fair, to be kind, to protect the people you love. That's really human. But knowing about them gives you a chance to do things a little bit differently, to see things differently. And if you need one final reason to believe there is light at the end of this tunnel and that you're doing the right thing, research is on your side. A study from the University of South Australia and the University of Adelaide tracked over 1,400 women through separation and divorce. And they found that within three to four years, women's life satisfaction returned to where it was before the split. And then, this is my favorite bit, it kept climbing higher, eventually exceeding that of women who had remained in long-term relationships, regardless of whether they were good or bad. And a separate study out of Kingston University in London followed 10,000 people over 20 years and found that women reported a significant increase in for up to five years after ending their marriage, despite the financial challenges that divorce can bring. Now, this is not a guarantee that it's going to be easy. We know it's not. But the evidence says that you will be okay and that it's worth it. And from what I see every single day in Women's Divorce Academy, I totally believe it myself. I'll pop a link to those studies in the show notes if you'd like to learn more about that. And I just want to say on a personal level that I do see this every day in Women's Divorce Academy. Women are doing the hard things. Women are facing those fears, learning from their mistakes, and moving forward. They're creating community for each other, they're cheering each other on, and they're getting through it. And then they find this incredible world afterwards that is better, that is happier, they have new careers, they have new passions, they have renewed relationships with their kids, they have renewed relationships with their family and their friends, and most importantly with themselves. There is so much beyond divorce that is really glorious. I know it feels hard, and I know it's really scary, but it's totally worth it, I promise. See you next time. If doing this alone feels heavy, Women's Divorce Academy offers clear guidance, practical tools, and a supportive community for the legal, financial, and emotional realities of divorce. Whether you're considering separation, in the middle of it, or rebuilding afterwards, there's something here for you. Find us at Women's DivorceAcademy.com.