From betrayal to her best life: How Alyssa turned heartbreak into happiness

Alyssa thought she'd married the love of her life. What she didn't know was that her husband had been deceiving her in almost every way imaginable - an affair, gambling debts, drug use, and lies that unravelled her entire sense of reality. When he told Alyssa he wanted a divorce, she was completely blindsided.

What followed was one of the hardest seasons of her life. Severe anxiety and depression. Months of barely functioning. And the slow, painful work of rebuilding herself from the ground up.

In this episode, Alyssa shares the real story of how she got through it - the therapy, the medication, the army of support, the comfort TV, and the one decision that changed everything. She talks about solo travel as a path to rediscovering herself, what she learned about trust and red flags when she started dating again, and how she went on to double her salary, remarry a genuinely kind man, and build a life she never could have imagined.

This is the episode to share with a friend who has just been blindsided. It's honest, it's warm, and it's living proof that the other side exists - and it's even better than you might have hoped. 

Links Mentioned

- G Adventures (group travel for solo travellers): gadventures.com

- Wi-Fi Tribe (remote work travel community): wifitribe.co

If You Need Mental Health Support Through A Tough Time Don't Hesitate To Contact:

- Beyond Blue - Anxiety and Depression Support (Australia): beyondblue.org.au

- Lifeline Australia (24/7 crisis support): lifeline.org.au

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Learn more about our membership and divorce support: womensdivorceacademy.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

I'm glad I didn't get what I thought I wanted. That's what today's guest, Alyssa, said to me that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. I speak to a lot of women going through divorce. I hear stories of betrayal, of grief, of having the life that you planned ripped out from under you. And I know that when you're in it, when you're on the bathroom floor, when you can't eat, when you can't get out of bed, someone telling you it's going to be okay feels like an insult. It feels like they just don't get the pain that you're in. But Alyssa gets it. Her marriage ended after a devastating betrayal. An affair, financial deception, drug use, you name it. A husband who had become cruel through the divorce process. She was utterly blindsided. Alyssa was diagnosed with severe clinical anxiety and depression, neither of which she'd experienced before in her life. That's how bad things got for her. But she came through it and she arrived somewhere she never expected. Somewhere much better. In this episode, Alyssa shares with us what got her through those early days. She talks about the one thing her therapist suggested at six months that it sounds kind of left field and terrified her, but it did change her perspective on everything. She opens up about learning to trust again after being lied to about almost everything, and she shares the mindset shift that helped her stop waiting to feel better and start building something new. That quote, I'm glad I didn't get what I thought I wanted, is the thread that you'll hear running through all of it. If you're in the thick of it right now, if you've been betrayed, if you've been heartbroken, this one is especially for you. I'm Carolyn Tate, founder of Women's Divorce Academy, and your guide to turning a divorce into the best thing that ever happened to you. This is Divorce with Carolyn. Alyssa, thank you for joining us today. Alyssa is coming at us from Tampa Bay, Florida. So I think this is our longest distance guest we've had so far. Welcome. Thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. Now, tell us a little bit first about your marriage. What did that marriage look like?

SPEAKER_00 2:07

So I uh got married to my ex-husband when I was 28 years old, and we were together for three years before getting married, and we were married for three years. So I I mean, there's it's a bit of a long story. I'll I'll spare you of the details, but ultimately um I loved him with all my heart, and I meant every word of those wedding vows, and I never broke them. And unfortunately, um, you know, I think things started unraveling a bit in 2020, and I think we would have had the same fate regardless, but but COVID certainly kind of progressed things a bit faster.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

It was a catalyst for a lot of things, I think. It just sped everything up, didn't it?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

Yes, it really did, yes. And so um, long story short, uh, he uh he had a premeditated affair and he lied about honestly everything. Um he he started using hard drugs in the name of self-development and um you know gambling, using his poker money, our money, um, and and not sharing things with me, you know, in regards to that gambling fund. The list goes on, but the divorce was excruciatingly painful. And I I begged for marriage counseling. I I wanted so badly to to try and make it work, and he refused to even try, and he completely shut me out and wanted to go separate ways and do his own thing. And um I was absolutely devastated. I I mean he shattered my heart into a million pieces, and uh, I mean, I'm I'm no stranger to adversity. I I've I was an athlete my entire life. I was a division one athlete, and um, you know, I've I've torn my ACL four times and I've I'm no stranger to physical pain, but uh the emotional pain was unlike anything I had ever experienced. At the end of the day, it was it was extremely traumatizing, um, you know, not only, not only because of how he betrayed me in every single capacity, but um, you know, how he was treating me throughout the the separation and divorce process, it was nothing short of cruel. And this person that I loved so much uh just turned into a monster. And it was the hardest experience of my entire life, and very, very grateful to be on the other side of that now.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

So which is a wonderful perspective to have. But you know, it's really interesting. Something we see in Women's Divorce Academy all the time is the worse the husbands uh and it's and it's men. We have same-sex couples too, but in this instance, it's it's seems to be always the men. Um the the worse their acts are in that lead up to the divorce, the worse they treat their ex during the divorce. It's almost like they have to convince themselves that you're a terrible person in order to justify their behavior or something. I don't know, it's a phenomenon. Someone needs to study it. I don't know if they have, but we need to look into this later. But for now, obviously for you, this must have been just incredibly traumatic. What got you through those early days? How did you get through that?

SPEAKER_00 5:50

It was extremely traumatic and it was really hard. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Uh I I struggled with regular like activities of daily living, like getting out of bed, taking care of myself. I was still trying to work and didn't want to lose my job through throughout this process. And um, fortunately, I have a very strong support system with my family, with my friends, if if not for having a literal army of support around me with my family and friends and also incredible doctors, lawyers to support me during this process. I I honestly don't know how I would have done it, but um, you know, during this time, I I struggled, I was diagnosed with severe clinical anxiety and depression. And I I had never experienced depression or anxiety before. Anyone who knows me uh knows that I inherently am one of the most optimistic and innately positive people that that that's just my natural state. And so uh, you know, struggling to that extent was was really, really it was just completely debilitating, honestly. And um I had never done therapy before, and I I interviewed with a few therapists and uh fortunately found an incredible, incredible therapist who I still work with to this day. She's absolutely amazing. And, you know, it was it was a blow to the ego, you know, needing to suddenly like take medicine in order to help take care of myself, you know, and my mental health. But ultimately, you know, coming going through that process and coming out on the other side, recognizing that we we have medicine and we have all of these tools for this reason, in order to help us, you know, you if you take medicine for physical pain, then being able to take medicine in order to help with your mental health, like there's no shame in that, there's no harm in that. And so getting over that initial barrier of like recognizing that it's going to be a long, hard road, but I have the ability to slowly but surely work through this. And it was it was really, really hard to remind yourself of that when you're going through that, right? Like, I mean, you know, people tell you over and over again that it's gonna be okay, but it's impossible to believe them because at that point in time your entire world is has already crashed down. And with every conversation with your your soon-to-be ex, and like as you're navigating the logistics of all of this, it's like you're as soon as that wound even begins to start scabbing over, you're just ripping it open all over again, over and over. And so it it feels like this impossible hole to to crawl out of. But ultimately with with time and patience, it's it's hard, it's hard to have patience and it's really hard to trust the process. But with a lot of hard work and you know, working with experts who um, you know, can help guide you and support you every step of the way. And again, surrounding yourself with a support system who is going to be there for you and ultimately um, you know, continue lifting you up when you need it the most. That's what got me through it. Even even years down the road, there's still triggers, there's still things that that might come up. However, you know, it's one thing that my my therapist said I still talk about is, you know, now I have all of these tools in my toolbox. And unlike before, I know which tools I need to utilize and in order to help me get through those difficult moments. And it takes practice, it takes experience, like anything. But here I am. And uh ultimately it's it's not only was it for the best, things are so much better now.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Yeah, and and I think as well, you know, you've proven to yourself that you can do really hard things, right? So that's a confidence that you know, you uh yes, you're an athlete and all that sort of thing, but as you said, like going through something so traumatic was new. Um, but now you know you can do that, and so whatever comes next, you can draw on that and go, Well, yeah, I I know I've turned up for myself before and I have all these tools. Um, but something else that struck me about that as well was that you talked about how lucky you were to have this army, but what it also takes is for you to put your hand up and say, I need you, I this is what I need from you. And and I think sometimes as women it's really hard to do that. And so, like, well done for asking for help in the first place, and you went looking for it everywhere, which is amazing. How long did it take you to start feeling better?

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Great question. Um, you know, grief isn't linear, and you know, it's um it's challenging when you know this it feels like a death, but this person is still very much alive. And um a better ultimate ultimate.

unknown 11:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:19

So um as far as how long it was until I really started feeling better, honestly, a year at least, um, you know, my I met with my fair my therapist really frequently. I um, you know, was staying with family and I had to work really, really hard every minute of every day in order to get myself through it. And slowly but surely, even if it was a millimeter of progress, you know, it like I I had to try and celebrate the small wins of like, okay, I I might not be happy yet. I might not be genuinely back to my old self yet, but it doesn't hurt quite as bad as it used to. And I'm feeling just a little bit better than I did a month ago. And so for me, benchmarking was so critical. And it helped me prove to myself that even though it didn't feel like I was making progress, there was proof in the data that it's like, all right, it's hard to measure this, but I know that I'm feeling even just a little bit better compared to a month ago. And yeah, I mean, my my therapist actually recommended I start dating um about six months after the fact.

SPEAKER_02 12:40

And to me, that was terrifying.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

To me, that was terrifying. I I wasn't sure I was ready, but I trusted her. And um, you know, obviously nothing serious, but I I casually dated for a couple of years. You know, I I enjoyed being single, I enjoyed traveling, you know, I explored solo travel. You know, I've I've always been passionate about seeing the world and and being able to experience I I kind of wrongfully thought that I needed my ex-husband or you know, someone to do that with in order to enjoy it. And throughout the the two years post-divorce where I was single, I I traveled to I think over 10 countries and I I lived in uh Buenos Aires, Argentina for a month, and I lived in Gran Canaria, Spain for a month and was working remotely and just learning so much about myself and what I ultimately wanted and and needed in a partner. And um it took a long time to get where I am now, but uh trusting the process and um doing the work, you know, make making the choice every single day that even in the difficult moments, like I I have the power to control what comes next for me and in my life. And my ex-husband doesn't have power over me anymore. And so I'm going to make the most of this opportunity that I that I now have to not have to um not answer to him. That's not that's not the right word, but more so just um, you know, live my life on my own terms in a way that makes me happy because I know that I'm worth it and and his his choices and his decisions, you know, with with you know such low character, that is not a reflection of me. And I'm going to advocate for myself and um, you know, live the life that I want to right now and make the most out of out of the time that I have here.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

So and it sounds like you really did. I mean, were you when you decided to go traveling for the first time by yourself? That must have been a really big decision if you hadn't done it before. How did you, how did you get over that feeling of, oh, I don't know what's gonna happen? Is it a bit scary? How did you manage that?

SPEAKER_00 15:07

It was a bit scary, but uh ultimately uh I decided to do it for the first time. Uh because so my birthday's in December and you know, right around the holiday season. And so um, you know, at I I knew that the holiday season and my birthday without my ex-husband, and you know, normally we would travel for Christmas to be with his family and everything. And I knew that it was going to be a particularly hard time. And um ultimately I was like, you know what, I'm not going to let him have that power over me where I'm going to sit at home and cry and and think about how how terrible he has treated me throughout this whole thing. And so as a birthday present to myself, I booked a trip to the Galapagos. And I wanted to see the wildlife and the animals. And uh was it scary? Yes. But um I I connected with some other solo travelers while I was there and signed up for this awesome uh like G Adventures, essentially like travel excursion type experience, and uh got paired with a a lovely Swiss roommate who I had never met and met some beautiful people. So that kind of kick-started the journey around you know, recognizing like how I felt so empowered being able to do that and simultaneously being able to continue working. And I felt myself like laying the bricks, you know, like brick by brick of my new foundation, of what this next chapter is going to look like. And so it really inspired me to lean into that and and keep on um you know doing things that I enjoyed that I didn't need anyone else's permission to do.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

So I love that. So liberating, right? When I got divorced, I was really suddenly because we had three children and I so obviously couldn't go to the Galapagos and and all that, which would have been awesome. But um but but there was a sort of smaller version of that in that at first I was really anxious. I was like, I have all this free time because my kids were with me 50-50, and suddenly I didn't know what to do with myself. And a friend of mine gave me this beautiful piece of advice, which was just write all of the things that you always wanted to do that you never have time to do, write them all down, put them in a jar and pick something out and just go and do it. And it was so awesome because it really helped me to realize exactly what you realized, which is that you are you're free to do whatever you want, right? And it's exactly if you can if you can get over the intimidation of that feeling at first because it's the that paradox of choice of like, oh my gosh, I don't know what to do. But once you start thinking about it and you start doing it, you know, clearly it really empowered you then to sort of know what you're capable of, yeah, to experience all of these wonderful things and then to move forward with your life in a new way. It's cool. Exactly. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Again, what happened? Tell us what else that changed in your life.

unknown 18:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Yes. So uh I I started traveling and um I was simultaneously working and still very much healing. You know, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows immediately. But um, you know, in in this newfound independence and freedom, I I recognized that the world is kind of my oyster. And as much as I enjoyed my my previous role that I was doing, um, you know, I I loved working in education. I I have a master's in higher education and I received my doctor of education and educational leadership. And I I realized that, you know, my skills are transferable. And, you know, what else can I do? Like how how can I give back and what does this look like for me? And so um I kept my eyes open around, you know, what what other professional opportunities could I explore and um you know also pursue this while traveling. And so I I stumbled upon this this really incredible opportunity um with this group called the Wi-Fi Tribe. And this organization is, I mean, it's worldwide, and so people who work remotely will apply to be a part of this organization. Remote workers will come together from all sides of the of the earth and live together and work together in their own respective fields. And uh I decided, you know what, I'm I'm gonna do this. And so I uh I lived in Buenos Aires, Argentina for a month, and I was able to just meet some really, really incredible friends and people. And right after I got back from my first chapter in Argentina, um, you know, there's a big Slack community that that we all like keep in touch with each other through. And um, there was a job posting, and you know, through this community, I ended up meeting my now boss. And um, you know, I'm I'm a program manager and a business coach for an incredible organization. Um it's it's a business education program helping creatives start their businesses, and I absolutely love it. Uh once I got back from Argentina, I I reactivated my dating apps in uh the Tampa area. And a couple of weeks later, I met my now husband. And so um I I met the genuinely kindest man in the world, and he's so patient. And you know, obviously I I was very scared to to trust someone and and love again. Back back when I was going through the thick of it, I swore up and down that I would never be able to trust a man ever again after what I went through. But uh, as it turns out, the the right person and uh you know a lot of really intentional conversations early on and you know, a lot of meeting each other where we were at at that point in in our lives, it it took a lot of um a lot of really open and honest communication and and work to be able to to get to the point. Where I felt like I could move forward with a serious relationship. And we we dated for two years. And he proposed right after our two-year anniversary. And we just got married last October. So it was absolutely wonderful and beautiful. And yeah, we've been we've been married for six months now and just bought a house. And um my gosh, it's it's such a whirlwind experience and story. Um, you know, just thinking back to where I was six years ago, you know, not that long. I mean, it was a nice slice of life, the the the six years that I spent with my ex-husband. And now I'm a completely different woman now. I am I'm so incredibly happy that I didn't get what I thought that I wanted with him, because now I have I've truly leveled up in every area of my life. I've doubled my salary and you know, been able to focus on my career. And um, you know, I've upgraded the man tenfold. So all in all, I my mental health is is fantastic. And um, you know, all in all, it's been a very wild ride, but ultimately um, you know, the grass is so much greener on the other side because I worked so hard to to address the the things that I needed to and you know continue to put the work in every single day in order to show up as like is my best self for my marriage now. And um I'm I'm I'm just grateful that that I'm here and all of these things happened for a reason and they led me to where I am today.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

This show exists because women going through divorce deserve honest, warm, practical conversations. Not shame, not platitudes, just real talk. If that's what you're here for, please follow the show so you never miss an episode. And if today's conversation has helped you in any way, please share it with someone who needs it or leave us a review. Every review helps other women to find us. Thanks for listening. You know, you sound like you could be the poster girl for divorce. I mean, everyone should get divorced, right? It turns out amazing. I have a couple of questions, and one of them is is because I'm Australian, and so we're very um, we're always like, hang on a second. So you said you're working every single day, and I just want to go like, did you have some days where you just hid under a duna and ate chocolate and watched Netflix? Did that happen? Absolutely. Yes. Okay, I'm for better.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

Oh, absolutely. I I didn't mention that, but yeah, you know, it and it took a lot of self-awareness and you know, recognizing like this is what my body needs. This is what I need to do right now in order to get through this moment. And uh, you know, something that I worked on with my therapist a lot, you know, so many people would tell me, like, oh, just take it one day at a time, right? But to me, even that was very overwhelming. Like I couldn't handle the idea of getting through the entire day because sometimes I just needed to curl up and watch my comfort show. For me, it's friends. So I would just curl up in bed and all I could do was watch friends. Um, and so rather than the one day at a time approach, something that we worked on together was, you know, take it one hour at a time. And that's still something that I remind myself of and utilize even even to this day when I'm having a hard time or feeling, feeling anxious about something, whatever, one hour at a time, just made it feel a lot more attainable and like, okay, like I can do anything for an hour. And this might be really painful and uncomfortable right now, but I'm just going to listen to whatever I need and do whatever it takes to calm my nervous system down. Um, maybe like taking a hot shower, watching friends. Um, you know, if I was able to go for a walk, that's great. But most of the time that was even too much. So all in all, yeah, you can do what you can do.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

Yeah, yeah. Um, my comfort show is 30 rock for the record, but um that I totally where that's coming from. Such a comment. Um and I know that you mentioned the people around you are really amazing. What was it that they gave you or what did they do that helped the most, do you think?

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Ooh, yeah, great question. Well, I um I was living with my parents for a time, which I mean, having having that support system of, you know, people who love you unconditionally and being able to pick up the slack with you know things such as you know, preparing meals and ensuring that you are taking care of yourself if you're having a really hard time that day. So, you know, being being able to text my therapist, um, you know, I recognize a lot of therapists might not offer that. But when I was having a hard time, you know, she recognized that this was a need. And so being able to have access to a professional in that capacity was was really, really helpful for me. And my girlfriends, um, I mean, my my best friend, um this is what makes me cry. My my best friend, she texted me every single day for I think it was like over four months. It was like so moving that like she showed up for me in that way. And and other female friends in my life would would come over and bring little like gift baskets and call and text and just remind me of my worth and how like I didn't do anything wrong. And you know, like during during that process, it was so hard to even like separate what was reality or not, you know, like with his manipulation and you know, all of the just the the lies and like textbook narcissist, textbook narcissism um tendencies, that it was it was really, really challenging to even know, like, was any of that relationship real? Did he even love me? You know, like asking questions like that, having people who have been there for me through thick and thin from day one, um, you know, even before my ex-husband came into the picture, who know me like to my core. I really value relationships more than anything. Um, relationships mean the world to me. And so though I wasn't able to necessarily, necessarily, excuse me, believe my friends and family when they told me it was gonna be okay, that was still what I needed in order to be able to get through that. And um, and and also my doctor's help too, and my lawyers' help in order to help me navigate all of these things because I just wasn't in the headspace to be able to think clearly and and do that. You know, I'm smart, I am capable. And at any other phase in my life, then I would have been able to handle that and I know that, but at that time, I just needed to recognize, like, hey, I need help. Like, I I am not able to handle this. And so, um, you know, exactly like you said, not being ashamed to ask for help when you need it and um, you know, reminding yourself that it's okay to not be operating at your best and recognizing that this is just a difficult season.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

Yeah, yeah. It's incredibly vulnerable, isn't it? Because because you don't have anything to bring to people and you're asking them to give you something. And we're just, I think, especially as women, we are co we're carers, we're nurturers, you know, and and but we and to so just to need that from other people without being able to give anything in return is really vulnerable and weird for us, I think. But it sounds like you're surrounded by a lot of love, which is I think it makes such a big difference. And whether you have that love from clearly the best girlfriend. What's your what's your best friend's name? Elena. Elena. Shout out to Elena, she sounds fabulous. And just you know, building that support network in whatever capacity you can, whether it's, you know, with friends that you have, or I know a lot of women we talk to don't know who their friends are because all their friends are couple friends, and so suddenly everything's split up, especially if you've been married for a really long time. So, you know, it's finding who those people are, and it can be professionals too, and I think it's really important to remember that too. So now obviously what you went through was an enormous betrayal. Um and you had this life planned out that you thought you were going to live, and then it feels like none of it was really real. How do you learn to trust somebody again? And do you something that I talk about a lot is I I'm I'm great at looking for red flags, you know, like once somebody has has treated you really badly. When I met my now partner, everything everything was like, Oh, that's a red, is that a red flag? Is that a red flag? You know, like when you met your partner, were you doing that kind of thing as well? Were you looking for reasons that this was not gonna go well?

SPEAKER_00 32:13

Absolutely. I mean, it it's impossible not to, right? And and it's hard because it's completely unfair to this new person. And so I would catch myself so frequently needing to talk myself down. I'm like, okay, he isn't my ex-husband. And just because I went through that does not mean that it's going to happen again. And it takes a lot of self-talk and therapy in order to be able to separate the the past and all of that trauma to what it is that you're building. And so um, yeah, I I what was necessary for me was someone who was patient because you know, my my anxiety still shows up. And, you know, especially, I mean, just hormone fluctuations as a woman, you know, like regardless of if you have anxiety, regardless of if you've been cheated on, you know, around certain times of the month, you're going to be naturally a little more anxious or hormonal, and it's truly out of your control, right? So um, for me, I I knew that I needed someone who I could be fully honest with and who would receive that information regardless of how I was feeling from a patient point of view who recognized and loved me for me. And even though I like I would sometimes I'm like, I hear that this is anxiety talking and this is nothing that you did wrong, but because of what I went through, it's continuing to show up. And so um ultimately it's it's really it's tough. I think for me, not jumping into a relationship immediately was crucial, and and dating a bit and ultimately learning what it is those red flags are. I mean, it's really, really easy to overanalyze. No one's perfect, right? Everyone has their own quirks. It's really easy to overthink and over-analyze every text or every tone of voice or, you know, God knows what, everything, right? So for me, dating again, it was it was a really interesting experiment because I felt like I I recognized that, like, I mean, in in my first, you know, I met I met my ex-husband in my mid-20s. And at that point, you know, painfully attracted to him, madly in love. And um, you know, coming out on the other side of that, recognizing like my needs are entirely different now. And dating, like, I didn't want to treat it as if it was like a business checklist, but in a way, like my self-awareness around knowing exactly what I needed and what I was looking for helped to eliminate things from the get-go around whether or not he was whether or not anything was a good match. It was frustrating. It took a lot of patience within myself too to be able to even reach the point where I thought that I would be ready to to pursue something serious ever. But with taking my time and doing that deep work within myself to know, you know, based on my past, like I can use that to inform my future. And I now know what that ideal life looks like based on what I went through. And like here, here are my firm boundaries that I am not going to budge on. And if this other person isn't in line with those, then that's okay. It's just not a match, right? Like, I'm rejection is terrible, it stinks, but at the end of the day, it's like it, it's it's not a matter of being lonely. Like I I've proved to myself that I can build the life that I want to create. And like I have my career, I have my family, I have my friends, I have all of these things. I'm looking for a partner who is going to supplement that, not just someone who is who is filling that like gap or void that I'm feeling because I was so accustomed to having a husband and being in a marriage that I wanted to work so badly and then shifting gears and realizing, oh wait, if I want that again, I can have it. But also if I don't want that again, then that's okay. And I actually really like my life now as it is. And so until I find the right person who is going to add to what I already have built that makes me happy, then life is pretty darn good as it is. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:26

And as we touched on before, I think, you know, you you've already proven to yourself that you are, you can handle hard things, you know. And so I think it it um I went through therapy after my divorce and I remember, you know, saying to my therapist that I felt um, you know, scared of being in other relationships. And she said, nobody's ever gonna hurt you as much as that hurt you. And you know, and we have these scars now, but they make us beautiful and they make us wise and they um teach us what we deserve and what we don't deserve. And I think it's um something else around around I think new partners and and from what you've said about yours, who sounds delightful, um is it you know, he makes you feel safe, right? And also that his actions match his words. So he's who he says he is, and he does what he says he will do. And over time you learn to relax a little bit and go, okay, that's that's that's his track record so far. And also I think making space as we get older, everyone's been through some stuff, right? So as we get older, somebody who makes space for that and isn't upset that you're triggered by something who can just go, I get it, I understand, you know, um, let's let's sit with it and you're safe, you're okay. I think when I when I was younger, if ever I had a a partner where I was upset about something, you know, it was always like, you know, oh that's not my fault, I didn't do it. And now we're all older and wiser and we make space for each other. We have the we we're all in my house, we're always like, I'm feeling really triggered by that. Is one of our favorite things to say. And we go, oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 38:58

Right. Right. Absolutely. It's so important to be able to hold space for regardless of the reason, right? And you know, I I think that that comes with that wisdom and that maturity in and that growth that happens throughout this process, right? Uh yeah, I mean, trusting my my now husband, it took him proving to me over and over again that he was a man of his word. And you know, not not all men are cheaters, not all men are liars, right? So with uh, you know, with that patient and overall, you know, like like actions, like those those behaviors over and over again, like that is a language that he's speaking. And so for me, like that's what I needed in order to prove to myself that he was the real deal. And and and so I I think holding firm to what it is that you know you need. And when the two of you are actively making the choice together to prioritize the relationship and to prioritize um your needs and the other person's needs, then you really can rebuild that trust and create something extraordinary and create something beautiful together. It just takes that intentional work where both people are making that choice and that sacrifice for each other every single day. It's it's not easy, but it's so worth it once you are able to reach that point in yourself and find someone who matches that energy and has just as much love to give and receive.

SPEAKER_01 40:46

And who who either has done the work or doesn't need to do the work in the first place because they, you know, are already a an evolved human being. I don't know if those people exist. I feel like everybody has to do some work, but um agreed, agreed. I actually had a rule when I started dating that I wouldn't date. Oh, I was I I was dating, but I wouldn't get serious about anyone that hadn't done therapy after their divorce because I feel like everybody has to do therapy. Um so I excluded quite a few very quickly. Australian men don't do therapy, so great. Um, Alyssa, what would you say to women who are in the thick of it right now, who especially those ones that have been blindsided, who have been just, you know, the person that they married is not the person that they thought. I speak to women all the time who just finding out about long affairs or gambling problems or you know, secret accounts and all this stuff. It's so shocking. What would you say to them about how to get through that?

SPEAKER_00 41:49

Oh, that's it's so tough. And I I just feel for you from the bottom of my heart because that's exactly where I was. I was completely blindsided. I I knew that we weren't great, but I did not know the extent of the betrayal on so many levels. And I was absolutely shocked when when he asked for the divorce, and everything felt like it it truly came crashing down on me. So I would say to to someone who's going through the thick of it that I know it feels impossible to believe me, but you will be okay. And uh you are stronger than you know, and uh take it one hour at a time and his actions, all of that betrayal that you just left, you know, whether it was cheating or gambling or drug use or you know something, something dreadful, it is not a reflection of you or your value. And these are reflection like lying and cheating. This this is poor character, you know, that's a reflection of his character and absolutely nothing to do with anything that you did wrong. And so like for me, I started questioning my own value and comparing myself to not only the mistress, but like, like, why am I not enough for him? Like, what did I do wrong? And and that just leads to a really, really difficult spiral and and vicious cycle that feels impossible to break. And so if you do start questioning your own worth, then seek out everybody in your network who you can rely on to lift you up and remind you that you are a badass and you're going to be okay. And even during the hardest moments when you are sobbing on the bathroom floor and vomiting from you know this this heartbreak because you know I I I was that girl that that truly was me for for months for honestly. I mean I I cried for years and um even though it feels like the entire world around you is moving in slow motion during those moments, like life will go on and ultimately like you will learn to be able to love again and trust again and recognize that his behaviors were a reflection of his own BS that he's going through, and you have the power to build the life that you want to create. So not right now, like right now, you need to just focus on getting through this, but in the long run, with help and work and making a plan, you can focus on your career, you can focus on your children, you can focus on your dreams and and your skills and building exactly what you want to do and create without him in it. You know, even even if you're co-parenting, even if you know you you still need to, you know, have him involved in your life for whatever reason. Remind yourself that like he no longer has that power over you to dictate anything around how you want to live. And so it's it's not gonna be easy, but one day, I promise you will be grateful that you didn't get what you thought you wanted.

SPEAKER_01 46:03

Thank you so much for joining us today and sharing your story. It was so wonderful to chat with you. You are just a ray of sunshine. Thank you so, so much.

SPEAKER_00 46:10

I appreciate it, Carolyn.

SPEAKER_01 46:17

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